Not sure what's going on with the site...haven't had any engagement with the previous update, so I'm not sure if the new update will post or not?...in any case, I've update 25 and 26 *fingers crossed*...TIGGER WARNING for chapter 25 (discussion of SA)

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Chapter 25

Noah had fallen asleep not long after they left, and the car ride back had been silent. So when he drives them back to his apartment, she's a little surprised, assuming that he would have dropped them off at hers.

He pulls into the parking garage and into his spot, and he slips out of the car silently, rounding the car to the back seat. He maneuvers Noah out of his seat, lifting him into his arms and she follows him to the elevator.

Noah doesn't stir on the way up, and he lets them back into his apartment. He heads right to his guest room, pulling back the covers and laying Noah down. She gathers the extra pajamas he bought, gently wrestling Noah out of his clothing and into them. He leaves her to it, heading back into the living room.

She takes her time, giving him a few minutes. Seeing him like this, so quite and withdrawn rattles her a little.

Once dressed, Noah snuggles further in the pillow, and Liv pulls the covers up over him. Flicking on the star light she gives him a kiss on the forehead. "Sleep well, sweet boy. I love you."

Taking a deep breath, she closes the door to the guest room behind her heading back into his living room. She isn't all that surprised to find him at the bar and she watches as he pours himself more than a finger of whiskey. He stares at the glass, twirling the liquid before deciding he doesn't want it after all.

"Talk to me, Rafa."

He shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about it."

Liv moves towards him, running a hand across his back, down his arm. "You may not want to talk about it, but you need to," she points out gently. "…you're safe with me."

He wipes his eyes quickly, taking her hand and leading her to the couch. She settles beside him, lacing her fingers with his tightly. His gaze is focused on their joined hands and Liv just waits, giving him the time to gather his thoughts.

"….my childhood, despite what my mother may say, was a…difficult chapter in my life."

"It was shit," she offers, using his owns words.

Rafael nods. "….I was different…I liked art and music and literature…all of the rich music and food I was exposed to…I was relentless teased, bullied at school, by my own family…I was everything my father hated and he made sure to tell me that everyday."

He worries his lip, swallowing hard.

"….my abuelo…he took me to my first theatre show and I fell in love….I loved everything about it. The way…the music and the acting and the dancing made me feel…he nurtured that inside me and it didn't matter when the the kids at school teased me relentlessly because I knew….I knew….he'd always support me.

Then he died and I was….crushed."

She rubs his back and a pained expression crosses his face.

"….my father raised his fist at me for the first time after his funeral." He's shaking his head, rising from the couch. He paces a little until the words finally come out of his mouth, strained. "….the sexual assault would come later."

"Rafa."

Tears fill his eyes as he worries his lip. "….'you want to be a f*gg*t so bad?' He'd say…."

She's off the couch, reaching for him only he steps out of her reach, putting the couch between them. "Rafael-"

"-so when Yelena came along," he continues. "…he thought he'd fixed me."

"There wasn't anything wrong with you," she pleads gently.

He's wiping his eyes, leaning over the back of the couch. His shoulders shrug. "Wasn't there?…I let him touch me…force things inside of me…"

She circles the couch towards him and he shakes his head, moving away from her.

"Don't," he warns.

She stands helplessly in his living room, forcing her own tears not to fall. "You were a child, Rafa…he was supposed to love and care for you, protect you-"

"-I never told my mother and when he fell into the diabetic coma and the doctors advised us to let him go I said no. My mother assumed I didn't want to loose him but the truth is I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to lay in that hospital bed and feel the pain and the agony he…." His voice catches in his throat as a new bought of tears fill his eyes. "…. made me feel."

She holds his gaze, wiping her eyes. He's physically shaking and he's biting his lip so relentlessly she's afraid he might actually draw blood.

"….when I found out about Yelena and Alex….I spiralled. Maybe he was right….so I fucked anyone who'd let me….I was reckless…I let men use me…use my body because I felt I deserved it….it's a miracle I even made it through law school….it saved me."

She nods. "Being a prosector, the suits, the move to SVU?….it's all to protect others the way no one protected you," she says softly.

"Yes."

Her heart aches for him and she wants to hold him, comfort him, tell him how brave and how strong he is and how none, none, of this is his fault.

"Let me protect you, Rafa."

He physically falters at her words and she slowly circles the couch towards him.

"I love you, just the way you are, Noah loves you just the way you are."

He's turning towards her and she reaches for him, pulling him into her arms. His face buries into her neck and his arms wrap around her like a vice and she holds him just as tightly.

"You are not at fault, you did nothing wrong, Rafael."

He cries into her neck and it takes everything inside of her not to give in to her own emotions. She cradles his head to her, sweeping her fingers through his hair, down the nape of his neck, rubbing his back, holding him as he exorcises everything that's inside of him.

"I love you so much, Rafa," she says gently. "I'm all in, babe…you don't have to carry this alone anymore."

He squeezes her tighter.

The minutes pass, and she just holds him, tries to soothe him, be present for him.

When he eventually pulls back, his eyes are red and he looks physically exhausted. "Liv…"

She frames her hands around his face, letting her thumbs caress his cheeks. "You've been there, through the worst moments of my life. Let me be here for you."

He nods.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Driving across town at this time of night isn't what she wants to do, but Rafael had assured her he'd be alright while she snuck back to her apartment to pick up a few things for her and Noah.

He'd look at her with such vulnerability in his eyes and her mind is racing, for him, for Lucia, for all the secrets and the things unsaid between them.

There's an empty spot outside of her building, and she thanks the universe for this little thing in an otherwise whirlwind of a weekend. Her doorman lets her in, and she gives him a warm smile. "Evening, Frank."

"Evening Ms. Benson…before you go, something arrived for you yesterday."

She stops, and the man heads into the back room returning with a box. "It wouldn't fit in your mailbox and I didn't want it left outside of your door, just in case."

Accepting the box, she glances down at where the return address should be, only there isn't one. "Thanks….did you get a name?"

He shakes his head. "Arrived by delivery."

"Ok…Thanks." Heading towards the elevator, she judges the weight of the package in her hands. Whatever is inside doesn't move around. Her name and address is the only thing written on it, and she tears into the brown paper as the elevator stops at her floor. She's got the box halfway open as she enters her apartment, and as she swings the door closed behind her with her foot, she wrestles the box open.

Inside is a soccer ball.

She stares at the ball for a minute before the realization hits her.

Shelia.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Do you think he'll like them?" Noah questions.

"I think he's going to love them," Liv answers. She helps him plate the chocolate chip pancakes they've spent the morning making, as he hops down off the chair beside her. Liv hands him the plate as she carries the cutlery and his mug of coffee. "Ok, let's go. Be careful not to drop them."

Noah heads towards Rafael's bedroom slowly, holding his plate of pancakes between his little hands. Liv opens the door for him, and Rafael is still sound asleep. She takes the plate from her son so that he can climb across the bed towards him. He snuggles down into the bed beside him, shaking his shoulder gently. "Uncle Rafa, wake up!"

He stirs immediately, reaching for the boy and pulling him into his arms. "You're up awfully early, amiguito," he comments, his voice thick with sleep.

Noah giggles, wrapping his arms around him. "We made you breakfast! You gotta wake up and eat it before Momma and I have to go!"

Rafael hugs him a little tighter, kissing the top of his curly head. "Just what I needed."

She sits on the edge of the bed next to him and he pulls himself up, rubbing his face. He doesn't look any worse for wear, but there is a tiredness in his eyes that has nothing to do with the amount of sleep he got. She sets the plate into his lap, offering him the cutlery and he reaches for the mug, taking a sip.

"They're chocolate chip pancakes," Noah clarifies. "Mom let me put them into the batter!"

He sets his mug on his nightstand so that he can take a bite. He hums dramatically. "The BEST chocolate chip pancakes I've every had!"

Noah beams, leaning into his side.

She knows that he's not much of a breakfast eater, but he finishes the pancakes nonetheless, listening to Noah talk about school and the science presentation that's supposed to happen today. His gaze has softened several times throughout the one-sided conversation and she notices the emotions settling in his eyes.

"Ok, sweet boy. Go get ready to leave for school."

"Have a great day, Noah."

Her son wraps his arms around his neck. "You too, Uncle Rafa. Love you!" He scrambles off the bed skipping out to the living room.

"…just when I didn't think I could cry anymore," he wipes his eyes, exhaling.

She rubs his leg. "Sorry….I just wanted you to start your day knowing how much you're loved."

He nods, wiping his eyes again.

"…Dr. Lindstrom has time in his schedule this morning. I told him you might drop by."

He runs his fingers through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not ready to…tell people. I've barely processed last night myself."

"I'm not saying you have to tell anyone," she clarifies. "He can help you process, heal."

He nods again, swallowing hard. "I've never told anyone about this, Liv-"

"-and no one is going to hear it from me," she reassures. "I've got you." Scooting across the bed, she takes him into her arms. He hugs her tightly and she rubs his back. "…I gotta get Noah to school."

He lets her go, wiping his eyes. "Of course. Go, before you're both late."

She presses a gentle kiss to his lips. "I love you."

"Love you too."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"I'm not really sure how this works."

Dr. Lindstrom gives him a patient smile. "Why don't we start with having a seat?"

Rafael nods, taking one of the empty armchairs in the doctors office. "Liv speaks very highly of you."

"The same could be said about you, Mr. Barba."

"Please, call me Rafael."

Dr. Lindstrom nods. "What brings you here today, Rafael?"

He worries his lip, looking at his hands. "I….I was sexually assaulted…by my father."

"I'm so sorry, Rafael."

He bolts out of the chair, pacing the tiny office. "I've never told anyone….besides you and Liv."

"Olivia is a safe space for you."

He nods. "….there's so much….guilt, and fear and shame inside of me…I don't know how to process it all."

"Many survivors of sexual assault feel the same way, Rafael. It's a very normal response."

Survivor.

His stomach churns and he sinks back into the armchair. "I've never considered myself a survivor."

"You've managed to persevere in spite of the trauma you've experienced. You've become a productive member of society, one would even say a success. You've entered into a stable, loving partnership not only with Olivia, but with her son. I think that makes you a survivor, don't you?"

"When you put it like that, yes."

"You disagree with me."

"…I think it's the guilt talking."

Dr. Lindstrom nods. "What do you feel guilty about, Rafael?"

"A lot of things," he admits. "….mostly for letting my father suffer."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"How was your weekend off, Liv?" Amanda questions.

She stops for a minute. "Busy," is all she provides before heading into her office.

Carisi looks between Amanda and Fin. "That feel loaded to anyone else?"

Pushing away from his desk, Fin makes his way to her office. He knocks quickly on the doorframe before letting himself in, closing the door behind him. "Everything ok?"

Dropping her bag in to the drawer of her desk, she sinks into her chair, starting up her laptop. She's not about to divulge Rafael's trauma, so she goes with the soccer ball instead. "Shelia Porter sent a package to me."

Fin shakes his head in disbelief. "What she do, send it through the mail? Cause Carisi and I have been watching that monitor all weekend; she never left the house."

"Delivery," she corrects. "It was a soccer ball, which makes me worry that she's been watching Noah for longer than we thought."

"What's Barba saying?"

Putting on her glasses, she adverts her gaze to her computer. "…I haven't had the chance to tell him."

"You two good?"

"Yeah….just, relationship stuff."

Fin nods. "You need me to talk to him?"

She smiles over her glasses at him. "It's not like that, promise….where are we at with Ellie's case."

Fin brings her up to speed on the case worker lead. "The agency is giving us the run around. Might be good to have Barba with us when we go talk to the supervisor, have him talk all his legalese."

"Maybe go without him?"

He doesn't ask any questions, just nods. "Sure. Will keep you posted."

"Thanks, Fin."

Before he leaves her office, he leans against the door. "Look, I know we don't talk like that, but if you ever need to talk like that, I'm here."

She meets his gaze. "Ok."

"Ok."

He let's himself out, and her phone buzzes beside her. She had been fighting the urge to text Rafael, so when she finds a message from Dr. Lindstrom, her stomach clenches.

Handle with care.

She sends him a quick Thank you text before calling Carmen.

"ADA Rafael Barba's office, Carmen speaking."

"Hey Carmen, it's Olivia."

The young woman's voice brightens. "Hi Olivia. Mr. Barba isn't in right now; I can get him to call you, or swing by the precinct if you'd like?"

"No, that's ok. I'm actually just calling to give you the heads up that he's not quite himself today…it might be an extra snack and lots of coffee kind of day."

"Noted. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be sure to tread with care."

"Thanks Carmen….and if Lucia should call, maybe just take a message."

"Got it."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

By the time he makes it into his office, the morning has already slipped away. Meeting with Dr. Lindstrom has left him raw in a way he's never felt before and the myriad of emotions had been too much on the drive from his office to his own. His eyes still feel puffy as he steps off the elevator, and either Carmen doesn't notice or decides not to mention it, greeting him with her regular smile.

"Afternoon, Mr. Barba."

"Hey Carmen. Could you give me a few minutes before you brief me?"

She nods.

He heads into his office, shedding his jacket. There's a pot of coffee already brewed, a box of his favorite pastries from the bakery on 9th waiting for him and he knows Carmen is good, but she's not that good.

Pouring himself a cup, he pulls out his phone, calling Liv.

She picks up on the second ring. "Hey."

His voice is caught in his throat. "Hey….thanks for the coffee and the pastries."

"I figured you could use something comforting."

"Yeah," he laughs shakily.

"I know how raw you're feeling right now; it get's better, I promise."

He nods, willing his emotions not to overcome him again. "I'm going to go; I'm barely keeping it together as it is….Thank you…for…" he sighs, rubbing his forehead. "Loving me through this."

"Always. Try and kick some ass today."

He smiles and he can feel his chest expanding just a little. "Only if you take some names."

"Deal. Love you."

"Love you."

Tbc

Chapter 26

"Can I help you?" The receptionist questions.

Amanda flashes her badge. "NYPD. We're looking to speak with a Carly Montgomery."

The receptionist turns to their computer. "Carly's out on a home visit, but she should be back in about 45 minutes. You're welcome to wait."

Carisi leans against the desk. "Any chance you could just give us the address, we'll just meet up with her there? It's a pressing matter."

"Let me give her a call."

He shares a look with Amanda, waiting as the receptionist makes the phone call.

"Hey Carly….I've got NYPD here looking to speak with you….yeah," they look between the two of them. "They say it's pressing. Is it alright if I give them a spot for you to meet up with them?….ok, great. Thanks." They hang up. "To protect the rights and privacy of our families, I can't give you the home address she's at right now, but she agreed to meet you a coffee shop nearby." They scribble an address on a sticky note, handing it out to them.

Carisi takes it, folding it into his pocket. "Thanks."

"Should I notify my manager that you're here?"

Amanda shakes her head. "That's not necessary; we're just following up on an old cold case."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"You didn't know about any of these?" Rafael questions.

Liv notices the slight waver in his voice.

"No. How could I?" Janette Grayson answers.

"How could you not?" Rafael implores. "Are you the most incompetent manager in the world who can't tell the difference between a false report and a legitimate one? Or, did you instruct caseworkers to falsify reports to meet productivity goals?-"

"-objection! Badgering."

"I'll allow," the judge responds. "The witness will answer."'

He turns to address the defendant again. "So which is it, Ms. Grayson?"

"I didn't want any of this to happen-"

"-you didn't want to advance your career by ignoring innocent children's pain and death, or you didn't want to get caught?" He questions angrily.

She watches from the gallery as he clenches his hand, shoving it into his pocket. For as together as he seems right now, Liv knows otherwise.

This case has been tearing him apart.

"Objection!"

"I'm asked to do what the courts can't do, what the cops can't do-"

"-You're asked to do your job!" He argues, shaking his head. "Your job, Ms. Grayon," he reiterates. "They one where you're supposed to protect innocent, helpless children."

His voice catches and the courtroom is so silent, it's almost unnerving.

"God himself could not do this job!" The defendant explodes.

Rafael shakes his head again, returning to his desk as she goes on but he hears none of it. His hands are shaking and he can feel his chest tightening.

The defence attorney is calling for a recess and the judge grants it. The court room is a bit of a flurry as the bailiff escorts Janette Grayson out of the courtroom, the jurors leaving shortly after.

He can feel everything around him narrow in and before the panic can claw it's way up his throat, he's pushing away from the desk, through the gallery into the hallway. He doesn't stop until he's outside on the courthouse steps and he plants his hands against the cool, concrete wall in an attempt to ground himself.

"Rafa."

Exhaling, he closes his eyes. "I'm ok." She's there, next to him and he inhales deeply, catching hints of her perfume.

"You're not," she points out gently. "….this case….stopped being about Keisha a long time ago, didn't it?"

He shakes his head, worrying his lip. "I can't do this right now." Pushing away from the wall, he side steps her to head back inside, only she catches his hand, holding him back. "….Liv, I'm hanging by a thread here," he warns softly.

She waits until he turns to face her, his gaze dancing with hers. "You can do this."

Swallowing hard, he nods.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"I didn't realize the NYPD made coffee shop visits," Carly Montgomery comments. She slips into a chair opposite Rollins and Carisi. "I've got a busy schedule today, so do you mind telling me what this is all about?"

"We'll do our best not to keep you long," Carisi offers. "We just have a few questions about an old case of yours, Ellie Porter."

The woman physically tenses at the mention of Ellie's name. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did you tell her the Hendersons that Ellie's parents were dead?" Amanda questions.

Carly pales. "She made me," she answers quickly. "She knew where I lived, where my parents lived and she'd show up, all hours of the night and harass me. My mother was so terrified that we thought she had a mild heart attack!"

"Who, Carly?" Amanda presses.

"Sheila Porter, Ellie's mother….she said that her daughter was a lost cause, that she and her husband were afraid of her behaviour when she was under the influence."

Carisi shares a look with Amanda. "What did Sheila ask you to do, exactly?"

"She asked me to change Ellie's records to say that her parents were deceased."

"Would you be willing to testify to that in court?" Amanda questions.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Barba ok?" Fin questions.

She sighs, watching him head back into the courtroom. "…he's dealing with a lot right now."

He nods.

Her phone buzzes from her pocket, and she fishes it out accepting the call from Carisi. "Hey Carisi."

"Lue, we got her," he says immediately. "Sheila Porter is looking at a very long stay at Rikers."

Exhaling, she rubs her chest. "You're sure?"

"Positive."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Well?" Carisi questions impatiently.

Rafael nods. "I'll call Judge Linden."

Her detectives smile and she releases a sigh of relief. "Do you think you can get a hearing for tomorrow?"

He unfurls from his spot on her couch, buttoning his jacket. "I'm pushing for this afternoon. Call Langan and I'll keep you posted."

In an uncharacteristic move, Rafael presses a quick kiss to her lips before leaving her office.

Carisi's jaw almost hits the floor while Amanda is grinning from ear to ear.

"Were we supposed to see that?" Carisi questions. "Cause, I can act like I didn't if we weren't."

Liv watches him head towards the elevator. The case had gone south quickly, however he still managed to get a plea deal out of Grayson and Sheridan.

Not the outcome any of them wanted, but one they can live with.

Hopefully one Rafael can live with too.

She bites back her smile. "He wouldn't have done it if he didn't want you both to know."

Amanda turns to Fin. "How long did you know?!"

"I'm not answering that question…Liv, we good?"

She nods. "Yeah, you're good. Thank you."

"You know I got your back," he replies, heading back to his desk.

Carisi can't stop grinning, following Fin out, and Amanda hangs back. "Have you two disclosed?"

"Yes."

"And Dodds is alright with the two of you still working together?"

"I wouldn't say he's alright with it," she reasons. "But he recognizes what's best for the department, for the victims."

"Well, that's good…I'd hate to see Barba go."

"Me too." Amanda holds her gaze for a beat to long and Liv gives her a questioning look. "What is it, Rollins?"

"Nothing," Amanda quickly waves off. "…it's just that after everything you've been through, it's good to see you happy, Liv. You are happy, with Barba?"

"Very happy," she assures.

"Good."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Given this new evidence, I'm dismissing Mrs. Porter's petition for visitation."

Sheila erupts from her chair. "You can't do that!" She implores. "What they're saying isn't true! They're LYING!" Rita attempts to cajole her back into her seat only she rips her arm from her grasp, continuing. "He is MY grandson! I'm his ONLY family!"

"Mrs. Porter, control yourself or I'll have you removed," Judge Linden warns.

It's a tense minute before Sheila returns to her seat.

"I'm deeply disturbed by the evidence ADA Barba has presented. However, it is not my place to hand down a verdict of guilt. Until your trial is over, Mrs. Porter, the order of protection will remain in place-"

"-She and that lawyer," Sheila points to both Olivia and Rafael. "Are sleeping together! They've been working together to fabricate all of this!"

Judge Linden frowns. "Those are serious allegations, Mrs. Porter, that I will not entertain in my courtroom. Your petition has been denied. You will follow the order of protection our you will be remanded. Do you understand?"

Sheila doesn't respond, and Judge Linden takes her silences as compliance.

"Court adjourned," she announces, stepping down from her bench.

The minute Judge Linden retreats to her chambers, Shelia explodes again. "YOU CAN"T KEEP HIM FROM ME!" She's circling the desk and Rita attempts to hold her back only she pushes her off.

Langan has enough sense to get out of the way as Carisi and Rollins spring into action from the gallery. Shelia manages to get into Liv's face, grabbing her and it's a flurry of arms and hands as Carisi, Rollins, and Liv wrestle her hands from around Liv's arms.

Rollin's manages to wrestle Shelia's arms behind her back, forcing her down on the table, cuffing her. "Shelia Porter, you're under arrest for the murder of Ellie Porter."

Sheila pulls against the handcuffs and Amanda. "I DIDN'T KILL MY DAUGHTER!"

"Shut up!" Rollin's bites back. "Nobody wants to hear it. Let's go." Rollins hauls her out of the courtroom, Carisi on her heals.

Rita shares a tense look with them all. "She's going to make bail," she warns. "There's only so much I can do."

Langan nods. "I'm sure the Lieutenant will have it covered."

Rita holds Rafael's gaze for a minute too long before leaving the courtroom behind her client.

Liv exhales for the first time that afternoon, sinking back into her chair.

"It's over," Langan reassures. "…I don't know how you managed to dig all that up, but good work."

She nods silently, her face in her hands.

"Could you give us a minute, counsellor?" Rafael requests.

Langan nods. "I'll be in touch."

Rafael waits until it's just the two of them in the courtroom before circling the table towards her. He takes Langan's empty chair beside her, rubbing her back. It's a minute before her head turns towards him, her gaze connecting with his. There's tears there, but more importantly, there's relief.

"Rafa…"

"I know," he assures. "….I'd move heaven and earth for you, amor."

Leaning across the table, she presses her lips to his.

He tugs her chair closer to him, tangling his fingers in her hair. She's got him by the tie, and she softens into his kiss.

"….I'd pull you onto this table if I could," he breathes against her lips.

She smiles a little, pulling back just as he does. "If it weren't for the camera's, I'd let you."

His green eyes dance with hers, and despite the relief and peace she finally feels, the turmoil in his own has her tempering it. "You've had a day."

He nods, looking down and Liv lifts his gaze back to hers. "I'll be ok." The look she gives him relays her doubt, but he kisses her again quickly, rising to his feet. "….I've got to head back."

She rises to her own feet. "See you later?"

He exhales, gathering his briefcase. "I've got an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom this evening…I think I'll just head back to my own apartment afterwards."

His attempt at nonchalance falls flat and she searches for his gaze with a hand on his chest when he adverts it. "You don't have to do this alone, Rafa," she says gently.

"I know…I just…" he shakes his head. "…I'll call you later?"

She nods, and he gives her hand a quick squeeze before leaving the courtroom.

tbc