Chapter 31

Amanda and Carisi are waiting for them as they're unloaded and rushed towards the emergency room. Their relieved yet worried expressions ground him in a way that he didn't know he needed and he's grateful when they follow him through to the ER. Noah had refused to let go of him so Rafael carries him to an exam room as the nurses and doctors move quickly around him.

The paramedic is relaying as much as she can, which isn't much, and Rafael is a little relieved that Dr. Wilder is on call in the ER.

Noah is shaking in his arms again and the noise and the people can't be helping.

"Dr. Wilder," he begins quietly. "Can we just….slow down a minute?"

She nods. "I've got it covered everyone," she addresses the room. "I'll page if I need any assistance."

The nurses one by one exit the room until it's just Amanda and Carisi with them.

"Noah, I'm Dr. Wilder," the woman begins gently. "I work with your mom sometimes."

Noah doesn't respond.

She continues anyway. "Would it be alright if I gave you a check-up?"

His arms tighten around Rafael. "It's ok, mijo, you're safe."

Noah doesn't budge.

Dr. Wilder breaks the silence in the room. "We need to complete a full examination."

Rafael swallows the lump lodged in his throat. "You're going to check for….trauma?"

Dr. Wilder nods, understanding all that he's not saying. She presses the call button and two nurses join them.

"Noah….Dr. Wilder has to examine you-"

"-don't …leave me," he pleads.

Dr. Wilder shifts uncomfortably on her feet. "….I'm so sorry, Mr. Barba….you're not Noah's guardian; legally you're not even supposed to be in the room right now."

"He's as good as!" Amanda defends. "Liv would want him to be here!"

"I have to follow hospital policy and Olivia's directives," Dr. Wilder explains.

"Which are what?" Rafael questions.

Dr. Wilder flips through the paperwork on her clipboard. "Trevor Langan is listed as Noah's temporary guardian."

Amanda shakes her head and Carisi folds his arms against his chest.

The nurses are prepping for the examination around him and the longer he waits the harder it's going to be to leave the room. "Noah, I can't stay with you-"

"-don't leave me!" Noah sobs immediately.

"I'll be right outside, mijo." He gently pries his arms from around his neck and Noah fights him helplessly.

The nurses approach them, one lifting Noah from his embrace and towards the exam table and the little boy comes undone.

"UNCLE RAFA! DON'T LEAVE ME! PLEASE! NO! UNCLE RAFA!"

The nurses attempt to keep him on the bed only Noah is struggling against them, reaching for him.

Carisi attempts to steer him towards the door.

"PAPA!"

Rafael's heart shatters.

He struggles against Carisi as he pulls him out into the hallway. "Let me go!"

"PAPA! PAPA! PAPA!" Noah screams.

"Let me go, Carisi!" He barks.

Amanda closes the door to the exam room and Rafael pushes against Carisi, shoving him, pulling at him.

"Rafael, stop!"

He can't stop.

Noah's screaming fills the hallways and he can't breathe, can't see or hear beyond anything else.

Carisi's arms wrap around him tightly. "Stop."

Rafael struggles against him, only he holds him tighter. "I can't just leave him!…He's calling…for me!"

"I get it, Rafael, I do," Carisi empathizes. "You and I both know Liv would want you in there but we gotta do this right. We gotta play by their rules."

Noah's screaming stops.

He struggles again to little avail, Carisi pushing him further down the hall. He finally manages to get them into an empty hallway and it's only then that Carisi releases him. "Amanda's with him," he reassures.

He rakes his fingers through his hair, pacing.

"Do what you gotta do, here, now, because Liv and Noah, they need you focused and together, Rafael."

Liv.

"Where's Liv? Is she ok?"

"Last I heard from Fin, they were about 20 minutes behind you and Noah. They had to wait to get her stabilized before they could transport."

There was so much blood.

He needs to focus.

He paces.

Just breathe, babe.

He inhales deeply several times until he feels more steady.

"You good?" Carisi questions.

Rafael nods.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

They make it back to the emergency room just as they're bringing Liv in on a gurney, Fin right by her side. They're ushering her into an empty room and the nurses quickly stop Fin at the door, closing it behind them.

He bangs against the closed door, cursing.

"We can't afford having security called," Carisi warns.

Fin's gaze meets theirs, and he exhales. "Fuck security. How's Noah?"

"They're examining him now," Rafael answers.

Irritation crosses Fin's face. "Why aren't you with him?! He's gotta be traumatized, Barba-"

"-you think I want to be standing in this fucking waiting room right now?" He fires back angrily.

Carisi steps between the both of them. "Langan has loco parentis."

"Of course he does," Fin replies bitterly. "You're gonna fight him on it right?"

"Of course I am," Rafael assures. "How's Liv?"

Fin sighs, rubbing his goatee. "She lost a lot of blood…she wasn't stable enough there for a minute to even think about transporting her….she was conscious most of the ride, though."

"That's good," Carisi comments. "Langan's here." He gestures down the hall.

Trevor Langan making his way through the hospital, the briefcase in his hand out of place against the jeans and t-shirt he's wearing. "I got here as fast I could. How is she?"

Fin gestures to the room behind them. "They're working on her now."

Trevor nods. "And Noah?"

"Dr. Wilder is examining him," Rafael answers.

"Ok….look, I know this isn't what Olivia would want," Trevor begins. "I'm not going to fight you on any decisions you want to make concerning Noah's care, Rafael."

"I need in that exam room, Trevor."

Langan nods. "Consider it done."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Amanda is waiting for them when they all get off the elevator, Noah being moved to the paediatrics ward. "Dr. Wilder is waiting for you, Langan….check in at the nurses station."

Langan nods, heading down the hallway.

"How'd it go?" Rafael questions immediately.

"…..They had to sedate him, Rafael."

"Dios," he sighs, rubbing his forehead.

Amanda continues. "Mild concussion, bruising on his arms and back….his wrists have been bandaged." Amanda gestures to her cheek. "The cut on his cheek didn't need stitches, but was bandaged."

He worries his lip. "Any sign of sexual trauma?"

She shakes her head. "No."

The tears well in his eyes and he wipes them away quickly, exhaling. "Thank you…for staying with him."

"Of course."

Dr. Wilder makes her way down the hall, Trevor on her heals. "Mr. Langan has cleared things up….I'm sure Detective Rollin's filled you in on the exam."

He nods.

"I'm continuing him on the nebulizer for now, but his symptoms align more with a severe panic attack than his asthma…being sedated right now will give his body a chance to regulate itself. We'll keep him overnight, and re-evaluate in the morning."

"Thank you."

Dr. Wilder nods. "Sit with him….I can't guarantee that he'll rest peacefully even under sedation. Be prepared for night terrors."

His chest tightens. "Ok."

The doctor gives him a reassuring look before heading to continue her rounds.

Rafael turns to Fin, Carisi and Amanda. "…..I can't be in two places at once…."

"Sit with Noah. We'll go check on Liv," Fin answers. "The minute I know anything, you'll know it too."

"I'll text Lucy, see if she can bring by a few things for Noah," Amanda offers.

"Eddie," he provides. "His elephant…and some pyjamas…"

Amanda nods, taking his hand in hers. "I've got it…what do you need, Rafael?"

Rafael looks between her squad, his squad, exhaling. "….contact Dodds, try and get ahead of this before the press does….touch base with my office; Carmen will know what to do….and I could really use a coffee." He manages to draw a smile from each of them and he takes a minute to hold each of their gazes. "Tucker will be here shortly; take the 48 hours… You've all been working around the clock and you need to be clear headed when you give your statements." He turns to Fin. "She needs you to be acting command right now. There's no one she trusts more."

Fin nods.

"And whatever version of events you're planning to corroborate between each other, don't." He doesn't know what happened in that house but he does know that Shelia Porter is dead and Liv had been shot and given everything that happened with Lewis and the grand jury, she can't afford any cracks in their stories. "Liv's not going to try and hide the truth and neither should you."

"Anything else?" Carisi asks.

"Thank you," he adds sincerely. "For finding Noah, for being here."

Rollin's squeezes his hand.

Before he can enter Noah's room, another Doctor comes jogging down the hall towards them. "You the family of Olivia Benson?" He questions.

"Yeah, why?" Fin asks.

The doctor looks at the papers on his clip board. "Any of you a Donald Cragen or Elliot Stabler?"

Carisi frowns. "No, why?"

"I need to speak with her next of kin."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Rafael sits next to Noah's bedside, watching as his chest rises and falls in his sleep. His breathing seems to be better and he tries to focus on that, and not the bandages around his wrists and on his cheek.

He hasn't even asked about Shelia, and he's not sure he even wants to know what happened in that house because he can't take much more.

Amanda had volunteered to call Don.

Fin muttered something about Stabler, cursing and walking out of the waiting room.

Trevor hadn't hung around, but assured him that the papers would be updated as soon as possible.

He allows himself a minute to rest his head against Noah's bed, closing his eyes.

They need to take Liv into surgery.

The bullet had torn through her abdomen, no clear exit.

She's stable.

They won't let him see her.

Won't let any of them see her.

Won't tell them anything beyond that because they are not her next of kin.

He can't be angry with her that she hadn't thought to update her directives. He can't be mad that he doesn't get to make those decisions for her because he may be the ADA and he may be the one man on this earth that knows her heart and her soul and her body and has cherished and nourished and worshipped every part of them, the one that has seen her scars and her trauma and is the one that she lets her guard down for, the one that she loves, he can't be mad because he's just Rafael.

He's not Don, the man that has helped shape her into the brilliant cop she is today, the man that has raised her and protected her and has supported and pushed her in this male dominated world.

He sure as hell isn't Elliot. He doesn't have 12 years of having her back of beating the pavement with her and the interrogations and the stake outs and the late nights and early mornings and the things they've seen together and the irrevocable trust that they shared, regardless of how it might have all ended.

He's not even Brian or Ed who have seen parts of her he never will.

He's just Rafael.

And she's the love of his life.

The woman that has seen every part of his soul.

The woman that he'd go to hell and back for and then some.

He has no right to feel the anger that he does and yet he can't shake it. He can't temper it or reason with himself because she is lying in that hospital bed at her most vulnerable and he can't protect her.

There's a gentle knock on the door and he looks up to find Amanda leaning in the doorway, a cup of coffee and Noah's duffel bag in her hands. "Don's here….I can sit with Noah if you want to…"

He quickly wipes his eyes, nodding. Leaning over the bed, he presses a kiss to Noah's forehead, looking him over just to make sure that he's still ok.

"Lucy dropped off a bag for Noah. She said to text her if you need anything. Dodds is dealing with 1PP and Carmen assured me she's got everything under control." Amanda offers him the cup of coffee. "And your coffee, counsellor."

He accepts the coffee gratefully, and Amanda is enveloping him in her arms.

Rafael hugs her back tightly.

"…Don't take any of this personally, ok?…Liv loves you, Rafael…there's no one she'd rather have in that room with her than you-"

"-except Don and Stabler," he cuts in sarcastically, pulling back. He regrets it the minute it leaves his mouth and he inhales in an attempt to get himself together. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Amanda reassures. "I get it…everyone's a little, heightened, right now. Go. I'll call you if he wakes up."

He nods, heading for the elevator.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"You look like hell, counsellor."

Rafael can't muster a smile and Don doesn't really expect it, pulling him into a hug when he takes his outstretched hand. It's unexpected, but not unwelcome and Rafael let's the older mans embrace steady him.

"Fin filled me in; how's Noah?" Don questions.

Pulling back, Rafael relays what he can. "Sleeping now…Dr. Wilder is working on getting his breathing regulated."

Don nods and their joined almost immediately by the ER doctor and Elliot Stabler. Where he's appeared from, he has no idea and he doesn't have it in him right now to ask questions.

"Elliot," Don greets.

"Cap," Elliot greets back. "Good to see you…wish it was under better circumstances."

Don nods, embracing him quickly.

"Now that everyone is here, we have some decisions to make," the doctor begins. "The bullet didn't make a clean exit and is lodged in Olivia's abdomen. X-rays show that fragments migrated to her large and small intestine and her uterus. We won't know the extent of the damage until we're in the OR."

"What are you saying?" Elliot questions impatiently.

"In the event there's extensive damage, we may have to perform a hysterectomy."

Rafael can feel his world spinning and he's shaking his head. "No."

Elliots blue gaze narrows in on him. "Who the hell are you?"

"Man, don't come in here with all that," Fin warns. "We all know damn well that you're the last person Liv would want here right now-"

"-maybe so but she obviously didn't pick you, Fin," Elliot throws back.

"-the hell with you, Stabler! You're the same son of a bitch you've always been!"

Carisi steps between Elliot and Fin, pushing Fin back, and Don is in Elliot's space in an attempt to keep him from escalating.

"Do I need to call security?" The doctor questions.

"We're good," Don answers, looking pointedly at them all. "Rafael, your call-"

"-Cap-," Elliot interjects.

"-Shut up, Elliot," Don warns.

Elliot bristles, shaking his head as he makes his way out of the waiting room.

"No," he repeats. "Do what you can to avoid the hysterectomy."

The doctor looks to Don for confirmation and he nods. "You heard him."

He scribbles something on his clip board quickly. "Ok….we're looking at a 3 hour surgery, provided everything goes as planned. We'll try and keep you updated as we can."

"Can I see her?" Rafael questions.

"You are?" The doctor questions.

"He's her fiancé," Fin answers.

Carisi manages to keep his cool, and Don doesn't correct him, so the doctor nods. "She's in and out of consciousness. Nurses will be by shortly to take her down to the OR."

He doesn't wait for anyone to change their mind or stop him, following the doctor down the hall and behind the double doors into the ER. The doctor points to the first room on the left and he lets himself in. The door closes heavily behind him, shutting out the hustle of the ER.

She's hooked up to machines and they beep steadily in the silence. Her hand is laying by her side and he takes it in his own, sweeping his thumb back and forth over her knuckles.

Her brows furrow together and her head is turning towards him. "Rafa?" She whispers.

A brief smile ghosts his lips and he leans down closer. "I'm right here, amor. Right here."

She squeezes his hand. "…everything's numb."

"They're prepping you for surgery…they've got you on the good stuff."

It's a beat, but a small smile tugs at her lips and she manages to open her eyes to meet his.

"Noah's safe," he continues, reading the questions in her eyes. "I've got him."

She closes her eyes, squeezing his hand. "….Rafa…."

"Everything else can wait, amor," he assures gently. "Let me take care of it."

"…love you."

He leans down, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Love you."

tbc

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