...motivation is pretty non-existent...BarsonLover, this is for you!
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Chapter 33
"I'm not waking them," Amanda says firmly. "One of you can do it."
Carisi looks through the window at Rafael and Noah. The little boy is sound asleep curled into Rafaels chest as the man holds him protectively. "The way I pulled him outta that exam room? Rafael is likely to murder me if I do it." He turns to Fin. "Besides, you're acting CO; you do it."
Amanda smirks, folding her arms against her chest. "I like the sounds of that, Carisi."
Fin shakes his head at the two of them. "Bunch of chickens." He let's himself into the hospital room, approaching the bed. He flicks on the light by the beside hoping that will stir him, only it doesn't. "Barba," he calls gently, not wanting to wake Noah in the processes. He shakes his shoulder when he doesn't get a response.
Rafael stirs, immediately looking down at Noah who's head is tucked into his shoulder, his face in his neck before registering Fin standing beside him. "What is it?" He questions groggily.
"Nurses said Liv will be outta surgery soon; the doctor wants to speak with you."
He rubs his eyes, trying to gather his bearings. He hadn't planned on falling asleep and it's caused his brain to be foggy leaving his emotions unregulated.
There's a toxic mix settling inside of him and even now, it takes a minute for him to regain his composure.
"…Rollins and Carisi are waiting outside."
Rafael nods. Extracting himself from Noah is no small feat and he thanks the powers that be that he doesn't stir. In the absence of the little boys weight, his warmth, he feels unsteady in a way he can't explain.
"You ok, Raf?"
"Yeah," he lies. Leaning down, he presses a kiss to Noah's forehead before heading to the door.
Both Amanda and Carisi greet him with reassuring looks, and all he can muster is to squeeze Amanda's hand before heading to the elevator. Fin enters behind him and he looks sideways at him. "I never thanked you, for having my back, with Stabler."
Fin shrugs. "S'all good, man….just promise to have mine when I beat his ass."
The elevator stops at the ER and the doctor is waiting for them. "Everything went well," he begins.
Rafael exhales.
"We were able to remove the bullet fragments and repair the damage sustained to her intestinal track. Her uterus will have some scar tissue, but overall, I'm hopeful that it won't cause any fertility issues."
He nods. "What's her recovery going to look like?"
"We'll keep her a few days for observation. Once home, it will be important that she rest, give her body time to heal. She'll be scheduled for a post-op check-up at the 3 week mark, with a full recovery at 6 weeks if everything goes as planned."
"Thank you, Doctor."
They smile, nodding. "She'll be moved to recovery on the 3rd floor shortly."
Fin grips his shoulder and it's the grounding that he needs in that moment because despite Noah being safe and Liv now out of the woods, everything still feels like it's spiralling around him. He moves to sink into one of the chairs in the waiting area, leaning forward to put his face in his hands.
Just breathe, Rafa.
"Raf, what do you need?" Fin asks.
He shakes his head. "….just….give me a minute."
He could have lost her.
Lost them both.
The system that was supposed to protect them, didn't.
The system they both live and breathe by.
Noah is safe, but far from ok.
Every time his sees the bruises, the fear in his eyes…he can't help but think of what could have happened.
What happened to him.
There's going to be a grand jury.
Liv is going to be put under a microscope again.
He wants a baby with her.
He wants to marry her and adopt Noah and he wants a baby with her.
He wants to see her pregnant and glowing and feel the life they've created growing inside of her.
He wants a house and probably a dog and a backyard and a white picket fence because why the hell not?
He wants the world with her.
"Minutes up."
Rafael wipes his eyes, getting to his feet. "I'm good."
Fin nods.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
"You'll probably be very groggy, dear. You should get some rest."
Liv attempts to smile kindly at the nurse but fears she's only managed to grimace. The pain is only just bearable and she wants to see Rafael before they up her meds and she's off in la-la land again.
"…Rafael?" She manages to get out.
The nurse adjusts her IV, presses several buttons on the machine. "The doctor is speaking with your fiancé now; I'm sure he won't be long."
Before Liv can question what they mean, the door opens and Rafael walks in, Noah in his arms.
The nurse smiles. "I've adjusted her drip, so I wouldn't expect her to be conscious too much longer." With a final addition to her charts, the nurse leaves, closing the door behind them.
He approaches the bed, gently laying Noah next to her. He's sound asleep and immediately curls into her body and Liv has just enough coordination to wrap an arm around him. She breathes in the smell of his shampoo and Rafael's cologne. "Rafa?"
"….he's going to be ok, Liv….just rest now, amor. We can talk once you've both rested."
She meets his green eyes. There's more than a five o'clock shadow on his face and if his eyes weren't holding the stress of the past 72 hours, she would have appreciated it more; it only adds to just how weary he looks. "You need rest too."
He smiles softly, leaning over the bed to press a kiss to her forehead. "I will."
Liv can feel the pain medication pulling her under. "…Send the squad home."
"Any other requests, Lieutenant?"
"I'm good, fiancé."
There's a smile pulling at her lips as she closes her eyes, and Rafael chuckles. "Rest, fiancé."
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Rafael is pulled from his sleep, such as it was, hunched in one of the hospital chairs, to the sounds of Noah in the middle of what he can assume is a night terror. The little boy is already drenched in sweat, his face contorted in fear or pain, he can't tell. Unfurling from his chair, Rafael attempts to wake him before he jostles Liv.
Rubbing his back, he speaks to him gently. "Noah, you're safe."
Liv stirs in the process. "What's wrong?"
"He's in the middle of a night terror I think," he answers.
Noah whimpers in his sleep. "No," he cries. "Stop!"
Liv attempts to soothe him, running her fingers through his hair only it has the opposite effect. Noah thrashes in his sleep and Rafael is reaching for him, lifting him from the bed so that he doesn't hit Liv. This only makes things worse and Noah trashes his arms and legs.
"Let me go! Let me go!" He screams in his sleep.
Rafael does his best to hold on to him. "Noah, you're safe, mijo."
The little boy's eyes open suddenly and he's struggling against Rafael, fear in his eyes.
"Mijo, you're safe. I've got you, Papa's got you, you're safe." The little boy looks right at him only there's no recognition there. "Noah?"
"She's going to hurt me," he cries.
Rafael shakes his head. "She's not going to hurt you, mijo. You're safe. Your momma and I've got you."
Noah blinks, and he's not even sure that he's awake.
"Momma?"
"I'm right here," Liv answers gently.
He's calmed a little bit and Rafael lowers him back into the bed next to Liv. Noah closes his eyes, snuggling back into his mothers side. Almost immediately he falls back asleep and the room is quiet again.
"Dr. Wilder said this might happen," he explains softly.
"What did his exam show?"
"….he's got a mild concussion….his wrists are raw from the rope she had him tied up with."
"His cheek?"
Rafael shakes his head. "I'm not sure what happened….I've been trying to just be present, love him through all of this."
The words sit heavily in her mouth and she practically has to to force them past her lips. "Any signs of sexual trauma?"
He shakes his head.
There's a shift in him, and Liv can practically feel his anger, worry and self doubt. "Rafa, look at me, babe."
His gaze meets hers.
"I trust your judgement. I trust you with my son and am so grateful that you were here when I couldn't be."
He's shaking his head, looking at his feet. "….I wasn't allowed to be present when Dr. Wilder examined him….I had to listen to him scream for me, Liv…they had to sedate him and I couldn't comfort him….the doctors, wouldn't tell me anything and it wasn't until Langan showed up, was I even allowed to be with him."
"Rafa-"
"-and you needed surgery and they had to call Don and Stabler because I couldn't make those decisions for you….I've felt so helpless, Liv….you two….are the most important people in my life, and I couldn't protect you. I couldn't be there for you both when you needed me most…and maybe you don't want me making those decisions, I mean, I get it; Don and Stabler…."
He's pacing, rubbing his face and she hates that she's confined to this bed because he's unravelling.
"….I'm sorry," he immediately adds. "I shouldn't have unloaded all of that on you…it's not the time or place nor is it your fault it's just been incredibly stressful and I'm trying, Liv….trying to do the right thing here."
"Come here."
He hesitates a minute before circling to the other side of her bed. She reaches for his hand, tugging him on to the edge beside her. It's obvious that so much has changed between he and Noah, between them, in the past few hours and she's barely just keeping the tears at bay.
Papa.
Fiance.
"Don't apologize….you're doing all the right things, Rafael. There isn't anyone I trust more."
There's so much he needs to tell her.
About her surgery and the potential hysterectomy.
About Don and Stabler.
About Noah.
About IPP and her job and everything that's happening outside of this hospital room.
About how he wants to buy a ring and put it on her finger and spend the rest of his life with her.
About giving Noah his last name and being his father and having more kids and building a family with her.
"Rafa?" She questions gently.
He exhales, reaching over her to rub Noah's back.
Liv can practically feel how much he's struggling, but with what, she's not sure. "You've been carrying the load….let me carry something for you-"
"-you just had surgery, I shouldn't be unloading all of this on you-"
She places a hand on his chest. "-look at me, Rafael."
His gaze connects with hers.
"I'm safe. I'm going to be ok. You don't have to protect me right now….Let me carry something. One thing."
His fingers twine with hers on his chest. "….he's covered in bruises, Liv….the fear in his eyes….all I can think about is what could have happened to him….how I should have done more to protect him."
-then why the hell did you let him get kidnapped in the first place, huh?
"…and rationally, I know I did everything within my power short of breaking the law but the guilt…" he shakes his head.
She squeezes his hand. "You can let go of it. You don't need to carry that, Rafa, because we both know that we did everything within the law to protect our son." The weight of her words wash over him and there's tears welling in his eyes and hers have already spilled over and she's pulling him into her arms tightly. "Let that go, babe."
He exhales into her shoulder, nodding, and she runs her fingers through his hair, over the nape of his neck. She can feel him physically relax in her arms and she wonders when the last time he slept, ate. There are a mountain of things they have to work through, emotionally, that neither of them can tackle if they don't take care of themselves physically.
Reaching for her call button, she rings for a nurse.
There's a soft knock at the door, and nurse Syndergaard let's himself in. "You rang?" He teases softly.
Rafael pulls back, wiping his eyes and she reaches for his hand. "Would it be possible to get a cot brought in? And is the cafeteria still open?"
"Absolutely, and there isn't any hot meals at this hour, but I can see what I can cook up."
She gives him an appreciative smile. "I really appreciate it, Rudy."
He smiles kindly. "No problem at all, Lieutenant.."
When it's just the two of them again, Rafael exhales. "…I should be the one taking care of you."
"Oh, you will be," she teases, trying to bring some levity to the room. "Let me do this for you, ok?"
He nods. "This is me, letting you take care of me."
She pulls him gently by the collar of his sweater down to her lips, kissing him. "It looks good on you, counsellor," she whispers against his lips.
His lips turn up in the slightest of smiles, and he kisses her back gently.
tbc