...replies/reviews = motivation = updates...with the site still wonky (though it looks like they're working on fixing stats according to X), it's hard to find the motivation to write when there's little engagement...anyway, here's an update! Hoping for more engagement!

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Chapter 34

The bandage on Noah's cheek had fallen off at some point during the night, and Liv has etched every inch of the cut to her memory. The bruising on his body and the bandages around his wrists hide the physical ways in which Shelia had harmed him, but she knows there's more than what she can see on the surface.

She presses what feels like the millionth kiss to his forehead, willing the tears not come again.

She's cried enough.

Ran through ever scenario of what could have happened, what should have happened and wrestled with the same guilt Rafael had.

And the minute she thinks that her mind just might have had enough, it wanders to thoughts of Elliot.

He had come.

He was here.

And in true fashion, turned her world upside down.

The anger and hurt that she has learned to live with, to compartmentalize, explodes in her chest as fresh as the day Don had told her he wasn't coming back.

What about me?

There's something inside of her, a tiny flame of hope that she had refused to stoke all these years, that simmers now, even after all this time.

What about me?

He had left.

Left her.

She looks over at Rafael, sound asleep on the cot. She can practically see it: Elliot using his presence, their history, throwing it around the waiting room in an attempt do what he thought was right, but only managing to make an already tense situation worse.

And if their history has taught her anything she knows that Elliot would have easily dismissed him, while Rafael would have given him far more respect than what he probably deserved.

Noah begins to stir next her, snuggling further into her, drawing her from her thoughts. "Momma?" He questions sleepily.

"I've got you, sweet boy," she says softly. "You're safe, and I love you, so much." His curly head lifts from her side, his blue eyes finding hers. His bottom lip quivers and the tears well in his eyes and Liv's pulling him best she can into her arms as the emotions pour out of him.

Rafael stirs from the cot beside them, rolling over. "Liv?"

"…I'm sorry, Momma," he cries into her shoulder.

Rafael unfurls from the cot, getting to his feet.

"Oh, honey," Liv soothes. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Noah pulls back, tears streaming down his face. "I knew she was a stranger but my chest felt funny and I needed my inhaler and I tried to tell them but they wouldn't listen!"

He's talking a mile a minute and she frames her hands around his face, catching his tears with her thumbs. "Slow down, sweet boy. Take a breath."

Noah attempts to pull a deep breath in, but he's already worked himself up that it results in a hiccup.

Rafael rubs his back gently. "Try again, mijo."

Noah pulls in an unsteady breath.

"That's it," she praises gently. "Papa and I've got you."

Noah looks up at him, and he sits on the edge of the bed with them. The lawyer in him wants to stop him from saying anything more, worrying about how what he may tell them now, will be picked apart later. "We don't have to talk about this now if you're not ready, mijo."

The little boy wipes his eyes, nodding as he attempts to regulate his breathing. "I'm hungry."

Liv presses a kiss to his forehead. "Do you want to press the call button?"

Noah nods, and she hands him the button to call for a nurse.

Rafael meets her gaze, and he knows she has a million questions for him that he can't answer with Noah sitting between them.

There's a gentle knock on the door, and nurse Rudy let's himself in again. "Good morning everyone," he greets brightly. "How's everyone feeling?"

Liv brushes a wayward curl from her sons eyes. "Good morning….I think we're feeling hungry, right Noah?"

Noah physically tenses, moving to bury his face in his mothers shoulder.

She can feel him practically shaking next to her, and given what she knows about his kidnapping, she can surmise that her son is wary of any and all medical staff. "Nurse Rudy isn't going to hurt you. You're safe, Noah," she reassures.

He doesn't budge.

"I heard that pancakes were on the menu this morning," Nurse Rudy cajoles. "How does that sound, Noah?"

Rafael notices before she does, and he grabs the blanket from his cot, wrapping it around Noah in an attempt to preserve some of his dignity. "I think that sounds great, thank you. Could you give us a minute?"

Nurse Rudy nods. "I'll have something brought up for you. Just ring if you need anything."

Noah is sobbing into her shoulder and she can feel the wetness at her hip.

"I'm sorry!" He cries.

"It's alright, mijo," Rafael soothes. "You're feeling really big emotions and sometimes our bodies have a hard time knowing what to do. Come here." Noah let's him lift him from the bed, wrapped in the blanket. His arms wrap around his neck and his head rests on his shoulder. He's still shaking and Rafael stands, swaying with him. "Momma and I are here. We've got you. We love you. You're safe."

It takes a few minutes for him to calm, and when he finally does, he's so exhausted that he's nearly asleep.

"Let's get you in the shower, huh?" He suggests gently. "Fresh jammies and then maybe some breakfast?"

Noah nods, yawning.

His eyes connect with hers. "I've got this."

She nods.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Neither Rollins or Carisi are surprised to find Tucker waiting for them when they arrive at the precinct.

"God forbid it be 49 hours," Rollins comments sarcastically, heading for her desk.

"We can either do this here, or down at 1PP; your choice," Tucker answers.

Before Rollins can answer back with something she'll regret, Carisi steps in. "I'll go first."

Tucker heads towards the interview room.

"Call Barba," Carisi instructs. "I'll try and drag it out as long as I can, but you and I both know he's gonna want Noah down here, today."

Rollins nods. "On it."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Man, I ain't go time for your bullshit," Fin warns. "Get the hell away from my car, Stabler."

Elliot doesn't budge, leaning against the drivers side. "Just two minutes."

"I'm not above shooting your ass right here, you know that right?"

"Look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm sorry."

Fin exhales. "You got one minute."

"Is she ok?"

"Surgery went fine, no thanks to you."

Elliot nods. "This isn't how I wanted this to go down, Fin. You gotta believe me….I get this call, from this doctor saying that Liv's been shot and that I need to get to the hospital ASAP….what was I supposed to think?"

"With your fucking head," Fin answers angrily. "I never said anything back then about you and Liv but I'm sure as hell gonna say something now: stay the hell away from her. She's happy. She's moved on and she doesn't need you to blow back in her life and mess that all up with your fuckboy mind games."

"Who's the guy?"

Fin shakes his head, laughing. "One of the best things to happen to Liv since your sorry ass left. Now get the hell away from my car."

Elliot takes a step back and Fin unlocks his car, slipping into the drivers seat. "You didn't just leave Liv, you know. You left the whole damn squad hanging and as far as I'm concerned, it was the best thing you could have done for all of us."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Is Dr. Wilder on call yet?"

Nurse Rudy tosses the soiled sheets into the laundry trolly, helping the attendant make the bed again. "She starts at eight. Noah is first on her patient list."

She nods, exhaling from the wheelchair. "I'm so sorry about this; I know you both are more than busy-"

Nurse Rudy waves her off. "-don't worry about it. You were scheduled to get up and moving today anyway; no time like the present."

They finish up, and the attending wheels the laundry trolly our of the room, returning with a walker.

"You were being serious?" Liv questions.

Nurse Rudy chuckles. "Like a cardiac arrest. I can wait, until you have something to eat if you'd like."

Rafael still has Noah in the bathroom and she doesn't want to think of her son's reaction if he were to emerge and find her gone. "I'd appreciate that, thank you."

He nods. "Unfortunately, no pancakes for you; no solids food for at least a week."

"Great."

The bathroom door opens, and Rafael emerges with Noah in his arms. "Nurse Rudy, would it be possible for Noah to get chocolate milk with his pancakes?" The little boy's face is buried in his neck, and he rubs his back in an attempt to keep him calm.

"I can certainly see to that for you, Noah," Nurse Rudy assures.

It's a minute, but a soft, thank you, can be heard muffled from Rafael's shoulder.

The nurse smiles kindly. "I'll go put in your order….but first, let's get you back into bed."

Liv attempts to gather her bearings as he helps her out of the wheelchair. She shuffles slowly back towards the bed, and he helps swing her legs up. Readjusting her IV, he clips the heart monitor back on her finger.

"There. Anything else, Benson/Porter clan?"

"I think we're good," she answers with a smile. "Thank you."

"I'll be back with your breakfast. With chocolate milk!"

Rafael is still swaying with Noah in his arms and she can tell by the way Noah's body has relaxed that he's sound asleep again. He lays him down in the cot this time, tucking the blankest up around him.

"He's never done that before," she begins softly.

"He has," he corrects. "While you were in surgery." Moving to sit on the edge of her bed, he rubs his face. He's in desperate need of contact solution, his eyes feeling like sandpaper. "Stabler showed up at his room, scared him….when I got there, he was cowering in the corner, wet himself."

"What was Elliot doing in his room?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," he answers. "Did they say when Dr. Wilder would be in?"

"Her shift doesn't start until eight, but Noah's first on her list."

He nods, exhaling. "Ok….look, I think we should call Trevor-"

She never doubted that there would be a grand jury, and obviously he has been thinking the same. "-I'm not letting him testify-"

"-I don't want him testifying either. Having Trevor present when he tells us what happened won't leave any room for cross examination."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"Hello stranger," Melinda greets.

Fin gives her a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'm sorry I've been MIA."

Melinda shakes her head. "It's alright. How are Liv and Noah?"

"They're safe…everything else will just take time."

She nods. "I heard through the water cooler Stabler's back in town."

Fin moves across her lab, sitting on a stool. "Still as arrogant as ever….but you know I'm not here to talk about him."

She folds her arms against her chest, leaning against the vacant autopsy table. "You're here about Sheila Porter. I haven't started her autopsy yet. Anything I should know?"

"Not from me," he answers. "I just need you to be thorough, Mel…you know this is going to a grand jury; there's no room for reasonable doubt."

"Understood." Melinda holds his gaze, taking in all that he's not telling her. "Did you give your statement yet?"

"Tucker's waiting for me at the precinct."

She nods. "Stick to the facts. I'll make sure I back them up."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"What happened in that house, Liv?"

Sinking back into her pillow, she recalls the pieces that she can remember. "….She had a weapon. She was…agitated, upset…on edge….we argued back and forth. There was no reasoning with her….I said something that made her snap, and I didn't move fast enough. She fired, Fin fired…the rest is a blur."

"You saw Fin?" He clarifies.

The details materialize in her mind. "He was there, on the threshold of the living room. He fired two shots after Shelia did."

He nods, exhaling. "Let's hope Fin doesn't try to change the events."

"He wouldn't-"

"-he would if it meant protecting you. They all would. I would."

She gives him a look. "No, you wouldn't, and I wouldn't want you to. Fin knows that too."

There's a quick knock on her door and they're interrupted by a nurse pushing the breakfast trolly. "I heard someone is waiting patiently for pancakes and chocolate milk."

They both look over at Noah, sound asleep on the cot. Rafael crosses the room to kneel down beside him. "Mijo, your breakfast is here."

"With chocolate milk?" He whispers.

He rubs his back gently. "Yes."

A small smile crosses his face, and for the briefest of minutes, Rafael believes that he'll be ok, that he won't carry this trauma with him like he has his entire life. Taking the tray from the nurse, he sets it on the cot next to him.

"Not exactly pancakes, but not the worst thing I've seen," the nurse comments, settling a tray on Liv's table, swinging it around over her lap.

She peers at the assortment of pureed food. "It could be worse."

The nurse chuckles. 'That's true." She turns to Rafael. "Can I get you anything?"

He shakes his head, sitting on the cot next to Noah. "I'm ok, thanks."

The nurse nods, leaving, passing Dr. Wilder in the doorway. "Someone had a sleepover I see."

Noah regards her warily.

"You're safe, Noah," Liv reassures. "Dr. Wilder just wants to make sure you're ok."

Dr. Wilder smiles kindly. "Blood work came back normal. Noah, would it be alright if I give you a check-up while you eat?"

He nods, taking a rather large bite of pancake.

"His appetite seems to be good," Dr. Wilder comments, kneeling down to his level. "I'm going to flash this light in your eyes. Can you look right at me, Noah?" He does as she asks, and the Doctor flashes her pen light in his eyes, testing their reaction time. "How does you head feel? Does it hurt? Feel fuzzy?"

"A little fuzzy," Noah answers softly.

Dr. Wilder nods. "How did he sleep?"

"….he woke up once, disoriented, like you said," Rafael answers. "He's been pretty up and down since…he's had a few accidents."

The doctor nods, plugging her stethoscope into her ears. "I'm going to listen to your lungs now, Noah. This part here," she shows him the diaphragm. "I'll place on your back so that I can listen."

He looks to Rafael who nods reassuringly. "It won't hurt. Promise."

Dr. Wilder slips the diaphragm under his shirt. "A nice deep breath for me."

Noah inhales deeply, exhaling.

"You're doing great, Noah," Liv encourages.

Dr. Wilder moves the diaphragm around a few times before pulling the plugs from her ears. "Everything sounds good. You're good to go home, Noah."

"Can I finish my pancakes first?" He questions softly.

Dr. Wilder smiles. "Of course."

Tbc