136. Lost Flow
It hurts so much because of you
너 때문에 너무 아파
Somin, Mia and Teho
October week 3
A new week crawled up on Somin with pressing demands. An email from Mr. Ha caught her unprepared, rescheduling the open painting class for Wednesday because the teacher's personal reasons demanded him to be gone for the rest of the week.
She had to make an inventory of what had to be done for school, feeling she was starting to fall behind on her projects.
I haven't started the figure assignment. She realized.
Fuck, I don't wanna. Now I don't have enough time to prepare.
Mia was back early from school along with Somin, who wanted to seize the opportunity of her own class being canceled that day. The gorgeous dancer shone once again, with no signs of distress from the break.
Fake it until you make it. She reminded herself to not be brought down, to not show any weakness.
"Whatcha doin'?" Mia asked Somin, who nervously walked into the apartment unable to make the final decision to get working. She paced back and forth like an animal caught in a cage. She played with her new bracelet, feeling up the leaves in order to not bite her fingers from the stress.
"Deciding." Somin chuckled uncomfortably with building anxiety, all the drama crushing her.
"I can decide for you if you wanna," Mia offered.
"Alright. Here's my problem, I have to paint a figure, but I'm scared because I'm shit at it. I don't like figure painting, drawing, anything. I want my trees and moodiness, not a 'body' work," the stressed girl spat out.
"It's schoolwork, right?" Mia asked.
"Yeah, that's making it worse, because I actually had to do it. On top of everything, I have only two days left. It's due Wednesday," Somin said, stretching her hands, and fisting her hair in desperation.
Where did my focus go?
The sound of the charms on her wrist and its cold sensation was taking her away to her betraying thoughts of Teho's sweet lips in conflict with Mia's love.
"Do you want me to model for you, I'm pretty enough," Mia sang happily, wanting to cheer Somin up.
"Would you do it? It's kinda unpleasant and boring to sit as a model," Somin reiterated. "Don't look for glamor, only for cramps," she giggled.
"I'll try for you," Mia said. "Do you need something specific?"
"It's a bit embarrassing to ask, but would you strip down a bit. I need the body, you know, figure and all," Somin said.
"Now we're talking." Mia smirked and went to her room to change into a sports bra and simple shorts.
"Better? You didn't need garters, right?" The dancer felt good to finally have the boyfriend worries out of her mind, at least for the time being.
"That's too classy for class," Somin joked back, but the unsettling feeling lingered.
The almost blonde Somin prepared her papers on the wooden portable desk and instructed Mia to pose as needed. The cold jewel slid onto her wrist again, and Mia smiled.
"It suits you well," Mia said happily.
"I love it." Somin smiled back, hoping it would help her to order her thoughts.
"Come closer," Mia asked Somin, looking at the bandaged hand, which she hadn't noticed earlier, as it was covered with the long sleeves of Somin's sweater.
"How is it?" Mia asked.
"I got it stitched up. You were right, the doctor gave me a major shit about it," Somin said.
"I'm so happy you listened to me. Would you be able to paint though?" Mia asked.
"I can move with it somewhat, I just have to be careful and take more breaks," Somin explained.
"Good," Mia said. "We have to care for ourselves, nobody will do it for us you know." She vocalized sentiments that were ringing in her head.
"I know, but we have each other," Somin said, hurting with that sentence.
"I'm really grateful I got to know you," Mia sweetly continued and sat straight.
If I was Teho I would never leave you.
Somin thought, looking at Mia's flawless body.
She's the manifestation of perfection.
The blonde friend gushed and it only got her mind more messed up.
She started to measure proportions, building the outlines of a grid in which to put a body, but her head wasn't in it. The flow was missing.
Normally she would get lost in the creative process easily, barely noticing it started. Drowning in the strange feeling of needing to fill the blank space. It was this strong pull from within her like sleeping or eating. Equally demanding and loud.
The time would fly and she would paint without eating, drinking, almost not breathing while rendering the tiniest details. Such an almost euphoric state in which every piece was finished with an immense feeling of pride.
But now only dissatisfaction and bitterness were present. It didn't help that Mia fidgeted a lot. Sitting in the right position was impossible due to her restlessness. She constantly focused somewhere else and was moving, changing the angles.
"Be still for a bit," Somin pleaded. "Can you turn your head the way it was, please?" The process was torture for both. Somin was feeling like she hadn't done justice either to Mia or the paper it cost. She kept erasing every try she had and it all culminated in tearing the paper apart.
"Sorry, I just don't seem to get it right," Somin apologized after a good 40 minutes.
Mia stood up, "It was harder than I thought, how can people do it?" she asked.
"Our models at school have to sit through three hours," Somin answered. "But of course with thirty minutes breaks," she added, "but your endeavors were admirable."
"What the hell?" Mia opened her mouth. "I can cross out being the muse, I wasn't carved for it. I'm sorry, I really wanted to help," she apologized.
"Don't be sad, I don't feel it too," Somin said. "I'm the one really sorry for wasting your time."
Somin went to trash the used papers, filled with the black mush of nothing.
"Fuck," she cursed, playing with the leave charms absently.
The process of mourning the absent inspiration was disturbed by knocking.
"Why would you keep letting him in?" Somin guessed the visitor by the dinner hour and Mia stood up, quickly putting clothes on.
"Keep your enemies close," she joked. "I kinda like him as a friend."
"Isn't it weird?" Somin asked again, a bit worried to see him after their secret closeness.
"I think sometimes we have to face our failures to remind ourselves to do better next time." Mia zipped her jeans, the night was too cold for a dress.
"I can't imagine being friends with HIM," Somin said nervously, thinking about Cholsu.
"I can't even guess the horrors of it. Like, how would I feel if he slept, I dunno, maybe with you right? That would be unbearable," Mia joked lightly.
"Being constantly reminded of my inadequateness seeing you together. Honestly, it's a nightmare, not that I don't want you to be happy, but you know, right?" Mia buttoned up her black blouse.
"Haha," Somin laughed excruciatingly. "Yeah, it's a fucked up scenario," she lied and remembered how she imagined it the whole morning.
Fuck.
"I know you would understand." Mia smiled warmly and the knocks kept getting louder.
She was putting her hair into a high ponytail while letting the unnerved photographer in.
"I started to think I was excommunicated from here," Teho joked, feeling the awkwardness so close to the pretty ex.
"This is gloomier than I expected," he said when nobody talked.
"We have some artist predicament here." Mia smiled and went back to Somin.
"Maybe you could make yourself useful," she asked Teho a little sarcastically as she put an earring in.
"Oh, that's not good," he said theatrically. "Let's analyze the unbearable horror."
"Yeah, thanks." Somin was leaning against the cupboard, head in her hands. She felt like crying out of frustration.
If I worked instead of parading around and reading smut, I wouldn't be here again.
Fortunately, the absence of the right mood wasn't as big of a problem as the artist's block would be. Usually, it was a matter of that day, two tops. But still, it was uncomfortable to find out, this is that day.
"Fight your fight love, imma gonna get some fresh air." Mia kissed Somin on the cheek
"You won't stay for dinner?" Somin asked.
"Not really, sorry, you'll be working anyway, right?" Mia asked.
"I have to, I'm starting to fall way behind," Somin said.
"He'll keep you company, you like to work together right? It's way too silent for my taste and I feel better knowing somebody is checking on you." Mia caressed Somin's hand, where the white cotton bandage hid the scar now.
"I don't need it, really, I'm perfectly fine on my own," Somin said, her voice trembling.
"Hey, I'll be lovely," Teho sang, sensing the tension. "You both know I can be quiet as a grave."
"As if." Mia chuckled in disbelief.
"I have an urgent project to finish so I'll be just right with silence," he continued more seriously. "It's a loud mayhem at my flat, gaming tournament you know."
"Great, don't say anything stupid to get my roommate angry," Mia joked, taking her jacket and closing the door behind her.
😳 Author's corner 😊
Have you ever drawn a figure with a real-life model?
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🎨Illustrations of each chapter are available on my Wattpad acc, AO3 acc -klubickoArt🎨