Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original characters from Steins;Gate and Steins;Gate 0 which appear within the following work of fiction. I am using these properties under fair use and do not claim them as my own.
Disclaimer II: The following work of fiction is based solely on the anime Steins;Gate and Steins;Gate 0. References to other Science Adventure works, including the VNs, occur, but for the sake of this fanfic I am not considering the canon of these titles.
Content Warnings for this fic are as follows in Japanese to prevent spoilers to most readers. Content Warnings may be added as the fiction continues, as it is a work in progress. Translate them at your own risk of spoilers: 死; 自殺; 血と流血への言及; 心的外傷後ストレス障害; 鬱
Steins;Gate ∞
Worldline 0.571046ɑ
I
Finally, after all of those timelines, undoing D-mails, watching Mayuri die countless times, Okabe stood over the keyboard, ready to push the button. One more. Just one more. It was what Kurisu wanted. It was what he wanted. That's what he told himself. It wasn't true. It's what he needed to do. Who was he to decide who lives and who dies? That was God's job, not his. Daru and Mayuri watched with anticipation. They would never know any better. Who knew what would happen to them? Would these versions of themselves live on in his absence? He didn't know which answer was worse. Would Mayuri even live? Heart pounding, Okabe hovered his hand over the enter key.
The door slammed open to his right. His eyes widened. A woman with fiery red hair stood with one arm out, holding the door open. Desperation filled her blue eyes.
"Okabe!" she yelled. Everyone was already looking at her. "I feel the same! I love you!" Okabe stared at her. Everyone stared at Okabe. He let his hand fall to his side, straightening out. Tears welled in his eyes. "Okabe?" Kurisu blushed bright red and held her hands against her chest.
"Kurisu," he whispered. "I…" He looked at Mayuri, who avoided his gaze. "I…" Daru had nearly passed out in shock. "I can't do it."
"Can't do what?" Mayuri asked, much less chipper than usual.
"I can't…I can't kill Kurisu. I can't."
"It's okay," Kurisu said, folding her arms. Her earlier confidence shrunk back behind eyes that refused to make contact with anyone else's. "You don't have to hesitate. I just…wanted to say it." Her voice faded as she went on.
"But if I do it, you'll die."
"Is that really true, Okarin?" Mayuri asked, stepping forward.
"Yes."
"Then why does Kurisu-san say she wants you to?"
"Never mind that," Okabe said. "I'm not. I can't."
"I didn't come back to change your mind," Kurisu said. "But I won't make it up for you, either." Okabe looked her up and down. Only a few hours ago, he had cradled her face in his hands. If he pressed the button, that face, once so warm, would become cold and dead. Her heart would still. If he didn't push the button, Mayuri, his best friend, the one who made him who he was, would perish in some gruesome end. No matter what. It was inevitable.
It was inevitable.
"Daru," Okabe said, "end the mission."
After a brief silence: "Are you sure?"
"Do you want to decide?!" Okabe found himself shouting. Daru rolled the chair away with wide eyes. "I say this knowing I might as well be killing Mayuri myself. It'll be my fault! Mine alone! If you want the responsibility, take it. Take it, and kill Kurisu. Take it, and kill Mayuri. There is no Stein's Gate. Just meaningless chance. Meaningless sacrifice. I can't do it. I can't do it, since neither choice is correct. Neither choice is mine to make."
"Okabe," Kurisu said, seemingly shocked. "I died in the original world line. Doesn't that make this one a choice and the other the default?"
"You died in the world line Suzuha is from," Okabe said. "In the one with World War III."
"How will staying in this one change that?" Kurisu asked. He chose not to respond.
"I can't do it anymore. No one should have to deal with any of this anymore." He looked at Mayuri. She was shaking. "Mayuri," he said.
"Okarin?"
"Please forgive me. I can't…I can't do it."
"I don't understand what's happening. But…if this will make you happy, I'm okay with it."
"You are?" Kurisu asked.
"Mhmm. I don't really get it, but, for a while now, I've been thinking that Okarin looks so sad. That he's so far away. But I haven't been able to do anything. If Mayushii can do something to help him, it's okay."
Okabe felt the tears streaming down his face. He screamed, drying his eyes with his lab coat. "Don't say that!" He wailed, shaking furiously. "It's not okay! It's all my fault." He fell to his hands and knees.
"It's okay," Mayuri said. She bent down and placed her hand on his quivering back. "You already saved me once. I was so happy, you know, when it was just the three of us in the lab. But it was quiet, too, and now it's so much livelier. We have friends like Kurisu, and Ruka, and Faris, and now you don't need me to be your hostage anymore. It's your turn to be happy. I know they'll look after you. Don't keep hurting yourself for me."
For a few awful seconds, the clock ticked onwards. No one moved except Okabe, whose body shook violently. He stifled his tears and turned his head towards the computer. Daru sat there, a heavy shadow, contemplating the keyboard.
"It's over," Okabe said. "Shut it down."
"But…SERN…Stein's Gate…"
"Shut it down."
Everyone had left shortly after that. It was almost horrifying how quickly the decision had been made. Mayuri said all she wanted was to go to ComiMa with her friends and, well, who was going to argue with that? They had met up with Fubuki and Ruka at the station and her other friends at the venue. For once, Okabe hadn't even complained about the fare.
They walked around the convention hall for a while first. While Mayuri was trying, and mostly succeeding, to buy something for Kurisu, Okabe was watching every corner of the event hall. Here, even rounders wouldn't stand out, although he wasn't sure it would have to be them. His heart beat so hard that it drowned out everything around him. That was why, when Ruka suddenly started to tug at his sleeve, he had no idea what was going on.
"C'mon. Can't I get a hug? Your character would totally do that," some guy wearing a headband and anime t-shirt was saying to the cosplay-clad boy.
"U-Um…I…" Ruka stuttered. He pulled down the front of the short pink dress he was wearing. No matter how cute it looked on him, Okabe had to feel sorry for him. As Ruka tried to defend himself, Okabe caught Mayushii's eye as she walked away from a nearby stand with Kurisu on her arm.
"Are you harassing one of my lab members?" he asked as theatrically as possible. He whipped out his cell phone, flipping it open in one deft movement. "Hello? It's me. The organization's everywhere. They're trying to close in on my lab members. My position is—"
"Okay, okay!" the guy said, backing away. "What a freak."
"El Psy Congroo," Okabe whispered into his phone before shutting it. The stranger walked away with a decisive glare.
Ruka sighed and came out from behind Okabe. He tucked a strand of his silky hair behind his ear. "Th-Thank you, Okabe-san," he said. Okabe averted his eyes. He tried not to think about how this situation might have been very different in another world line.
"It's nothing," Okabe said. "The organization is everywhere. My eyes are always open."
Mayuri approached with a "Tu-tu-ru!" Kurisu laughed nervously, holding a small plastic bag. "They're no match for Hououin Kyouma," Mayuri added. "Sorry my cosplay got you into trouble, Ruka-kun."
"I-It's fine," he said, "but if it's all the same, I think I'll change back into my normal clothes."
"But it's so cute on you!" Mayuri protested. Her other friends all nodded. "And I want to get photos first."
"I'll be the photographer," Daru said from behind Okabe. He turned to see his friend approaching with a raised hand, Faris by his side in her usual maid attire.
"Ooh!" Faris said. "Make sure to really capture Mayuri-nya's work."
"Faris-chan!" Mayuri said, running up to hug the pink-haired girl. Okabe found himself watching her every movement.
"As if!" Kurisu cut in. "You just want to make them do creepy stuff, pervert!"
"Ah, so you know me that well already," Daru said, defeated.
"Maybe it's for the best," Faris added. "I have a better eye, anyway."
"Let's all get a picture together," Mayuri suggested. "Where do you think is a good spot, Okarin?"
Okabe suddenly realized he had been holding his breath. "U-Uh…It's probably best to ask someone else that."
"Maybe natural light would be good," Yuki suggested.
After prolonged banter which Okabe unintentionally tuned out, he found himself inexplicably outside. He pressed his eyes closed as Faris started to order everyone into a group photo.
"You okay?" Kurisu asked. He nodded, although his head was spinning. He opened his eyes to view the scene. Mayuri was adjusting Fubuki's outfit for the photo. "Maybe it will be different this time," Kurisu suggested. "After all, you undid most of the D-mails."
"Maybe," he said, not convinced. He avoided Kurisu's gaze, watching as Mayuri happily bobbed around and chatted with the others. He looked around. No rounders, no traffic, no sign of impending disaster whatsoever. Maybe Kurisu was right. Maybe it would be different.
"Kyouma!" Faris yelled at him. He blinked rapidly at her, unsure what brought on the idol's sudden rage. "Aren't you listening? Get over here. Stand by…Ruka— No! Mayushii-nya!" Mayuri waved for him to come over in response.
Kurisu's attention was no longer focused on Okabe, but she said, "You'd better get in there."
"Yeah…" he said and walked over to the group. Daru shuffled over to let him stand beside Mayuri. He looked down at her. Her hair blew gently under her hat in the summer wind.
"Are you okay, Okarin?" she asked, laughing. He could tell she was troubled, but what was there to do?
"Did I tell you to move, Daru-nya?" Faris chided.
"Sorry, Faris-tan!" he apologized with a military pomp. He returned to his position, squishing Okabe into the background.
"Yes, just like that! Now, Ruka-nya, make sure to leave room for Kurisu."
"Oh! Like this?" the dainty boy asked, shifting to the side.
"Get in there, Kurisu-nya!"
"Me? Are you sure?" As Kurisu protested, Faris's phone began to play a cutesy alarm tone.
"Ah!" Faris cried. "Yes, yes! Just hurry! I'm late!"
"Ah!" Kurisu said and dashed into the space between Mayuri and Ruka.
"Say cheese!"
No one said cheese. In fact, Okabe barely pried his eyes away from Mayuri long enough to look at the camera, let alone smile at all. Faris snapped a few shots with her phone camera and lowered it. Everyone, at last, relaxed, free from the tyranny of a model's perfectionism—everyone except Okabe. He began to check the horizon once again for enemies. He felt his head growing light and his legs growing restless. Stop that, he told himself. It's over. No matter what, this is the last timeline I'll ever enter. It didn't stop his heart from pounding or his teeth from clenching together.
"I have to go, nya!" Faris said, beginning to gather up a bag from the ground and shove her phone into her purse.
"Thanks for being the photographer, Faris-chan," Mayuri said. "Send it to me later, okay?"
Will there even be a later? What was the point? He looked at the clock. She had, maybe, one hour, assuming things didn't change this time. Do I want to be here when it happens, he thought, when I haven't even tried to stop it? When I've made up my mind to do nothing? He thought for a moment, watching as Faris began to leave.
"Wait!" he called out to Faris, his voice shaking. "There are a bunch of creeps out today. Let me walk you to the station."
"Kyouma!" She pulled her hands to her chest and flashed him a big smile. "What a gentleman. I knew you'd always come to my aid, my knight in shining armour. Together, we'll take down the organization." She struck a pose he thought was meant to be similar to his own dramatic stances.
"Yeah," he said. He wasn't in the mood.
"Dude," Daru whispered to him. "Normally, I'd say 'nice,' but today? What about Mayushii?"
"I'll be back," he said. He looked at Mayuri, who avoided his gaze. Kurisu, from over her shoulder, stared through his eyes and into his soul. He shivered. "It's just to the station," he said.
"Let's go, then, nya," Faris said, taking his arm. "I'm going to be late."
"Bye, Faris," a chorus of voices said. She waved back.
As Okabe walked away, he said, under his breath, "Goodbye, Mayuri."
"What was that?" Faris asked as they began to cross the street.
"Nothing. It's nothing."
Okabe had broken his promise. He had known he was going to, if he was honest with himself, but he wasn't about to admit that right now. The lab lights remained off, as if that would diminish his presence there and absence elsewhere.
He remained collapsed on the floor where he had stumbled over. He could still hear the panic in Kurisu's voice. She had known it was going to happen, yet she sounded so surprised. Okabe! Okabe, Mayuri just collapsed! She seemed fine until just now. We were just walking and…Fubuki's calling an ambulance. You should meet us at the hospital. Hello? Okabe? Are you there?
He had known it was going to happen, had experienced it over and over, yet he had hoped. Is that why he had left? Because maybe then, in his absence, she wouldn't die? Or just the opposite? Because he had known better?
His phone vibrated violently in his pocket. He pulled it out, clawing at the red case, and looked down at Daru's message: "She's being taken to the hospital right now. They say it's probably a heart attack." He let it fall to his side. He knew how this would turn out. He knew that, and yet…
He typed out a message: "Is she going to make it?" After staring at it for a moment, he deleted it without pressing send and stared at the blank screen.
He sat there, letting the tea he had made to calm his nerves soak into the cracks of the wood flooring. For once, he wasn't thinking of Mr. Braun's threats to raise the rent or even Kurisu scolding him for being so helpless. He was helpless. He had always been helpless. Seconds, minutes, maybe hours passed.
How much time had passed since he last heard? Time, now that he had chosen a way forward, mattered again. That's right. He had chosen. There was no such thing as admonition of guilt in this world—not when doing nothing had this much of a butterfly effect. He glanced at the Phone Microwave. All those D-mails, done and undone, what had they been for? To torment him, the only one left to remember? To trade one life for another? Was this the choice of Stein's Gate? No. He knew better. It meant nothing at all.
Eventually, a call came through the line. Daru. Okabe's heart slowed in his chest. His body shook with each beat. He answered.
"Yes?"
"Okabe…I…don't know how to say this. She…she's gone."
He let silence hang on the line for a moment. His vision blurred. "Not again," he muttered. "Not again!"
"I'm sorry. If you come down here…well…I don't know. It might help."
"How?! I killed her. Why should I go? What kind of hypocrite would I be? I stood back, I left, and let her die!"
Daru stuttered on the other end, but never got out more than, "That's not…"
"Yes, it is! You know it is. I never should have been born. This is all my fault."
"You never meant—"
"Why does it matter? I killed her. I killed Mayushii." Okabe stood slowly, eyes locked on the Phone Microwave. "I never should have pretended I could be a real scientist. It was all fake. I'm a fake. Look where it got us."
"But if it wasn't for you, she would have suffered this whole time!" Daru got the words out, despite Okabe's desire to cut him off. He grit his teeth.
"Because of me, she suffered more. I made that choice." He hung up, letting his phone topple out of his hands. His whole body buzzed with energy. Everything was still around him. Why was it so loud?
It seemed like lifetimes passed before the door opened. Kurisu, followed closely by Daru, rushed inside. Okabe, himself out of energy, frozen, looking at a picture of Mayuri on his phone, wondered why they had come. Why weren't they there, mourning? Outside, the sun had completely disappeared.
"Okabe," Kurisu said, marching up to him without pausing to remove her shoes. She pulled him by the shoulders, but he didn't look at her. His body hung loosely as she shook him. "You have to do it again. We can still redo it. Here." She let him go, stalking over to the Phone Microwave. She pulled out her phone and began to type a message. "It's my fault, right? If I just hadn't come in…"
Okabe shook himself from his stupor and approached her. Her blue eyes gazed up at him, those blue eyes that could have faded away forever with the push of a button. "No," he said, reading what it said on the screen. "I killed Mayushii. I made that choice. There's no other way. There's nothing we can do." He paused. "I can't do it anymore. Don't make me keep reliving this hell."
Kurisu pulled her phone back. Her eyes were red and puffy. Daru's were, too. "But if you undo the last D-mail, then…" Okabe felt himself beginning to weep once more. Tears streamed down his cheeks. Kurisu crossed her arms. "I never should have come back here."
"No," Okabe said. "You did nothing wrong. I killed Mayushii. I made that choice." He had done it to save Kurisu. He alone would bear the guilt.
"Stop saying that!" Daru said. His rotund body marched up, large fists tightened into balls. "It won't change anything. You should have been there, Okabe! You should have been there when she died if you aren't even man enough to go back and change it." Okabe said nothing. He just turned his face away. A pain seared through his cheek as the force of a wrecking ball collided with his face.
"Hashida!" Kurisu cried. Okabe cradled the site of impact but said and did nothing else. Kurisu stood in front of him with her arms out. "I know how you feel, but you can't take it out on him. Neither of us knows what he's been through."
"Kurisu…" Okabe said without control of his lips.
"That's because he won't tell us," Daru argued. "Because he thinks he has to shoulder it all on his own, even when he has a friend right here with him who wants to share in his pain." A few long moments passed when nothing moved except the dripping of a faucet. "You said you were coming back. Where were you? Why weren't you there?" His tone, although undeniably enraged, grew softer and softer. Eventually, Daru dropped his fist. "You know, I have all these dreams. Well, I don't think they're quite dreams. I keep trying to help this Okarin idiot, and he keeps rejecting me. That's why today when you started going off about "Operation Verdandi" or whatever, I thought 'This is it. Finally, he's asking me for help.' But in the end, you're just a coward." Kurisu let her arms slowly float down to her sides, opening a sightline between the two men, but Okabe refused to look at Daru's face. "You're just a coward, Okabe! Unless you change your mind right now. I can still help you."
"Remember what I said about living on in other world lines?" Kurisu asked, her voice barely a whisper. "I was wrong to say it was your choice to make. I said that before I felt the pain you've felt again and again so many times. Even then, I know this pain is nothing compared to what you must feel. You can still redo it."
"My pain won't change if it's you instead of her," Okabe mumbled. "No more." He straightened out, turning to face the Phone Microwave. "It won't end until this is all gone."
"What are you saying?" Kurisu asked, the breath leaving her voice.
"Let's destroy it."
"There's no coming back from that. You understand that, right, Okabe?" Daru asked, stepping closer. "We should at least leave it be—as an option."
"Hashida's right," Kurisu said. "We know for sure that there's no hope for Mayuri here, but there might be hope for both of us in the beta world line."
"But it's not a certainty. What is certain is that this thing has caused nothing but destruction and chaos. There should be no way to go but forward, as God intended. I will bear the consequences…" His voice faded.
"But, Mayuri—"
"I know!" Okabe cut Kurisu off. She backed away, shrinking into herself. He began to sob. Daru's expression softened as the tears fell. He, too, began to weep.
"You're serious then?" Daru sniffled. "She's gone?" No one gave any reply. Daru fell back onto the couch, his head hanging and eyes frozen open.
"I'm sorry," Okabe whispered. Kurisu laid a hand on his back. He shuddered at first, unused to the weight, but accepted her gesture. It didn't last long before she dropped it.
"It might do us all some good to go out and get some fresh air," she said. "You two go up to the roof. I'll make some tea." She picked up the toppled cup from the floor. Okabe wondered if he had the energy to try to stop her.
"I'm going home," Daru said, shaking his head. Kurisu opened her mouth, but not before he added, "But I'll be back tomorrow. I just…need some time." He lumbered over the floor and outside. Neither Okabe nor Kurisu said a word. It was just the two of them again, yet this time there was no joy in this sorrow. How is there no joy, Okabe wondered, when the only reason she's standing here is because Mayushii isn't? He continued to weep.
"Are you sure?" Kurisu finally said. No amount of time would have prepared him for that question. That was just it, wasn't it? There was no right answer. He just had to commit to the one he had chosen. He did his best to stop shaking, to stop his voice from breaking, but neither effort paid off.
"No," he wailed. He wasn't sure. No matter how long he waited, he wouldn't ever be sure. He leaned forward onto her and buried his face in her shoulder. She just stood for a moment before gingerly holding him by the ribs. They remained like that for what could have been seconds or years. It was impossible to tell anymore. Okabe at last pulled away and glanced at the clock through his tears. He couldn't read it.
They stayed together into the night, at Kurisu's insistence and Okabe's powerlessness to argue otherwise. Neither of them had said more than a sentence at a time since Daru left. Among them were: 'Don't sit there,' 'What do we do now?,' and 'I'm going up to the roof.'
Okabe stared into the night sky. The stars twinkled between powerlines and beyond buildings. A light sheen of rain glinted at his feet. He looked down at his hand and back up at the sky. He began to reach outward but quickly dropped his arm as the door creaked open behind him. He leaned onto the rail as nonchalantly as possible. For a moment, the chirping of the cicadas carried on their tune uninterrupted.
"You know," Kurisu said, "the stars are strange things." Okabe listened but said nothing. Her footsteps came a little closer until she was somewhere just behind him. "So impossibly far away, yet their light still reaches us." He didn't respond. He just gripped the railing harder.
She continued: "There's no way we can see it from here, inside our own little corner of the universe, but, out there, galaxies are passing through one another, forming pictures. We find images in the stars, but you have to connect the dots. On a grander scale, celestial masses intersect and collide."
"Sounds dangerous," Okabe sighed out. His heart hurt too much to appreciate her impromptu science lesson.
"It probably is," she said, lowering her voice to a mumble. "But it's also beautiful."
"How so?" He gazed down at his hands, rubbing them together for warmth. It was a cool night, despite this summer's typical heat.
"There's a pair of galaxies called the 'rose,' for example. Way out there, we've picked up readings that indicate that one galaxy passed through another. The effect is that of a stem extending down from a rose: petals and all."
"Why are you telling me this?" Okabe sighed again. "It's over. You can't change my mind." He looked over his shoulder at her but quickly turned away again upon seeing her expression.
"I'm not trying to," she said after a pause. She came up beside him and placed a cold hand on his. He bit the inside of his lip. She was looking up at the stars, and he was looking at her. He curled his fingers around hers. They stood in silence for a while.
"I just think it's beautiful," Kurisu continued, "although painful, that through two entities growing close, they permanently alter one another into a new shape." Okabe's eyes filled with tears again. He bit them back.
He thought of Mayuri back in middle school, stretching towards the heavens, trying to reach her grandmother. He thought of himself, putting on an evil smile to draw out his best friend's laughter. He thought of Kurisu, falling into his life, sticking by his side across more time than she had memories of. He thought of Mayuri, singing, reaching, dancing, sewing, smiling. He thought only of Mayuri.
Mayuri had stayed by his side through her sadness. She kept reaching out to him, despite her inability to understand what was happening around them. She kept coming to the lab, offering her soft smile and encouragement, even when Okabe knew she was hurting. She had reached her hand out to him over and over. She kept living for him, and, in the end, she died for him. He should have done more for her. He should have told her what she had meant to him. Now that she wasn't here anymore, he didn't know what he would do. He didn't know who he was supposed to be without her. Hououin Kyouma was dead, after all. He couldn't possibly survive without his hostage. And Okabe Rintarou…
"I'm sorry," Kurisu said, pulling away. He snapped out of it, having almost forgotten she was there. "I don't know what I'm talking about." He didn't correct her. He didn't even know if she understood how he felt. Her words said she did, but there was no way. She couldn't know.
"You should go home," Okabe nearly whispered. He hung his head and watched the empty streets below. For a moment, he caught a glimpse of a pale blue shape, but it was gone as soon as he blinked. His breath quivered through his chest.
"Are you sure?" Kurisu asked, also leaning over the rail to see where he was looking. He straightened out.
"Go home. I'll be fine."
"You saying that tells me you most certainly won't be fine," she argued, crossing her arms and shaking her head. He should have known better. A gentle breeze blew between them.
"This "rose" of yours," he said, changing the subject, "what good is it?"
"Huh?"
"No one can see it. It's a miracle we know it exists. What if the readings are wrong? Even if they're right, what good is it?"
Kurisu let out a giggle that was little more than a huff of air. Okabe turned to her, glimpsing her reddened eyes. "Isn't its existence enough?" He must have given away what he was thinking because she added, "Even if it doesn't exist in this worldline, somewhere it does. Actually…" she trailed off "...infinitely, it does. No matter what." She looked into the sky, the stars shining in her eyes. All around them, shallow pools of rain reflected the cosmos as if they were banished into space. It was so empty.
"But what's the use if it's not here?" Okabe whispered. His tears fell. Some hit the railing he rested on, and others plummeted down to the street below, creating ripples in shallow puddles like the petals of a galactic rose.