Severus was not having a good month, or year to think about it.

After the humiliation at the end of fifth year, after the big fight with Lily, he was more then tired. He was exhausted enough to not be able to think about what happened.

Why she had smirked?

Why she had not defended him with her wand, and just started flirting with Potter?

Why she had ended things like that? Did their friendship mean nothing to her? Why she was allowed to defend Potter and Black sort… while he was not allowed to do so? Why what they did was any different than what Mulcibor and Avery did? Was it different because it happened to a girl? Why no-one laughed at her, but they were allowed to laugh at his pain?

Was it his ugliness? His poverty? His house?

Because Black was more efficient in dealing with dark magic than he ever was, and Potter was more crual than Micheal ever was. All they did to Macdonald was a laugh, she was not even naked fully, while Severus was fully on display for all to see, choked by soap and dropped on his head so his neck would break.

Maybe so he could die. Did they nocturne him for his existence?

What they did notknow was that Severus was not that lucky to die this easily, or else Tobias had offed him years ago.

Why Lily had not even tried to defend him like a friend would? What use were there for meaningless words and shouting to 'leave him alone' if she didn't bother to get a bloody teacher? Suppose she could not take points or give detention for whatever reason, but surly she could do more than acting like a flobberworm?

He imagined, in his drakest corners of his mind,it was damn hard but he imagined if the tables were turned and it was Lily…

He would have done more. Much more. He could name hundreds of hexes and curses and dark charms to use on them.

But Lily had just watched.

Everything Severus had done meant nothing next to a word, a word that slipped out of his mouth in anger. All those days he had comforted her when Tuney hurt her, all those days he had explained the bases of tough potions and magical theory, giving her his best parts , sharing his dreams and hopes…So what if he called her that? Did it hurt her? Was it choking her like those watery soaps in his mouth? Did it hurt her like the whole school having a laugh at his expanse?

Sometimes he regreted it, sometimes he thought she deserved it, sometimes he didn't even know what to think.

The house was empty, like always these days. His mother was not feeling well, and they both knew their time was limited at best.

Severus had still hoped to find a way, a way to heal her. She was ill, years of suppressing her magic and not using it had done serious harm to her body and mind. Muggles thought she had liver and kidney deficiency, some form of malignant cancer, but Severus knew better. She was now resting in a hospital, Tobias was where the hell he was these days.

So he had to come up with a way to earn money, to keep his mother in the hospital, to let her live a little longer so he could compelete his research.

-because Severus just knew he could pull it off, he could save her, make her life better, leave spinner end and live happily.

So he went and found himself jobs.He had several odd jobs. He tutored stupid brats in latin and math at weekends, and on week days he painted walls and fences. Sometimes he would work in garden, getting rid of pests with his own handmade pesticides. Sometimes he even fixed cars, working as a mechanic of sorts. Fixing brakes, flat tires and small easy tasks.

And he tried not to walk to her house, or go to the park, or think about her at all.

Try being the word, cause he failed at that too. Such a failure he was.

It was one of the warmest days of the summer of 1976, practically hell on earth. Severus had to paint the wall of a shack facing the Evans hosue directly. One would think that he was mad to get this job, and maybe the hotness of the sun rays scorched parts of his brain, but it was what it was. He just couldn't resist not seeing Lily for the whole summer and it was about a month he had not seen her.

Not her vibrant green eyes.

Not her gentle smiles.

Not her soft spoken words

Severus was an idiot and he knew it, but what could he do? He had been at the hospital just yesterday, and the wasy the nurses looked at him, made him shudder. The look, that certain look when adults had in their eyes when they wanted to disappoint a kid, or give him a sad news, like when Slughorn told Rosier his owl had been caught by the willow and died, or when Amadeus – a halfblood transfer student- mom had been diagnosed with Cancer. The look of pity, of worry and of fake sympathy.

It was all too much. His head was hurting, and his heart was beating madly. hands shaking like he was an old man.

Would he be alone in the world in a short time? No friends, no family, no nothing.

-"oi snively , listen and remember, you are a filthy scum, who's gonna live alone, remain alone and die alone, cause nobody would want to associate with the likes of you"

Was it true? Black said it, and Potter said it, and Avery and Mulcibor never said anything in his defence.

No, it couldn't be. Lil's would come around, he was certain of it. When she could see Potter for who he was, a spoilt misantropic Bully who never thought before he acted, she would come back.

Or wouldn't she? After all,Potter was indeed wealthy,and loath as he was to say it, handsome. Lily herself was not that well off or else their family had left cokeworth till now. She could play being a lady, a princess. She could have all those dresses Severus could never hope to buy for her, she could live in a palace , when severus would never hope to buy a tenth of a Manner in a life time.

Would she be as materialistic as her sister? Glued to the side of a half-wit like Vernon, because he was wealthy compared to her?

No, his Lily was nothing like that. She was the one who went to cheapest fish and chips stands cause they needed to eat too. She would share her food with a mangy hungry animal and smile when her stomach made a protest. Things Severus could never see a rich pureblood heir only child do. His kind of generocity had a limit, had too many conditions attached to it. Severus sometimes saw in Pettigrew's eyes, the fear of being in his shows. He could see doubt in Lupins posture, as if he was not certain of when others would leave him. Lily was not like that. Even if she had no interst in Severus ever,she would not turn into a backstabbing bitch overnight and date the nightmare of his nights, Potter. It was too low a below, and Lil's had honer.

So he would apologise when her anger was not burning this hot, and explain to her. He didn't give a damn about death eaters propaganda. He needed protection in his dorm. He needed connections to get a job after graduations and when they won- because they would win if they used dark magic while ministry used stupefy – he could keep Lily and his Mom safe.

It was too early for his mom to wanna …. She was young still even by muggle means let alone for a witch, and she had not lived a happy life at all. he could think about a thousands things he wanted to do with his mom.

He needed time. Time and his mom to live a little longer for him to find a cure.

He needed his mom, they had only gotten rid of Tobias, Severus needed a little time to design a cure, get his NEWTS and make a life for himself and his mom. Mother was recently more like herself, smiled like herself, and had even ruffled his hair like she used to. He was so not ready to say goodbye.

And his heart could not take it anymore. He had to talk to her. If not for their friendship, or their shared memories, or the fact that her mom had taught her things too, for the sack of honoring their time together. Because he – pathetic boy he wa- did not have anyone else to talk to and it was killing him…

So imagine his face.

Imagine him, standing in front of their door, half hiding in the bushes, again.

A mistake, really.

A huge mistake at that, the whole taking the job that forced him to be involentierly in front of his house. To make himself to be near her house so he could muster up enough courage to go and talk to her.

Imagine his face, when he was frozen in shock and horror, watching as Potter – a silly smile plastered on his polished face- talking to her.

To Lily.