Part V

Annabeth

The next month drags on. Percy and I go back to our apartment in New York. I throw myself into school, riding Blackjack to and from my Princeton classes. Percy starts training to be a fireman. We cry together as we learn that I'm not the only one who miscarried, Sahara lost her foal. And I pray my heart out to God for some sort of peace, some sort of rest, but it won't come. I keep trying to tell myself it isn't my fault but it is. I keep trying to let go of my anger at Percy for not making me stay but I can't. So I just keep quiet, I keep distance, I keep to myself. And it's easy enough when Percy's away at training, but when he's home it's almost unbearable. When he embraces me I get stiff. When he puts his arm around me on the couch I don't lean in. On the rare occasion when we do have sex I hardly feel any emotional attachment at all. And even though he doesn't say it, I know he can tell. I don't want to be retreating, but I don't know how on Earth not to. Everything just keeps festering and building, threatening to spill over. Until it does.

I'm in the kitchen cutting some vegetables for dinner when Percy comes through the door. I don't hear him, so when he wraps his arms around my waist I startle and cut my hand.

"Ow! Damn it, Percy!" I shout and turn towards him, pushing hard on his chest to make him back up.

"I'm sorry!" He says and puts his hand up. "Let me see." He reaches for my hand, but I slap his wrist and back up.

"No! You can't make it better! So stop trying. The only thing you could have done was not to let it happen in the first place!" I scream, not even thinking about the words I'm yelling, but realizing how true they are when I say them. Tears fill my eyes, spilling over and soaking my cheeks. Percy just stands there looking at me, his face filled with hurt, and anger too. He knows I'm not talking about the cut.

"I'm sorry. You're right, I never should have let it happen. But why can't you just Listen to me, Annabeth? I told you not to come! You wouldn't stay. I told you to take it easy, and you put yourself on the front lines of the quest! At that last battle, I begged you to go back to the boat and let me take care of it, and you refused to do it! You can't put all this on me! But you're right, and I should have left with Lassa and Jesse before you even knew we were gone when you wouldn't listen and that's on me!"

"Stop it! You think I don't know this is my fault? That my pride got the best of me, and instead of it costing the world it cost our son's life? I've been living with that every day since it happened!"

"And you won't let me in to help! You've been pushing me away ever since we got off that boat! You might still be in this apartment, but you're running, Annabeth. Why are you running from me?"

"I'm not!"
"You are! When things get hard you run! You hide! You leave! Because you feel so alone in the world you don't think anyone can be right there with you, but guess what, I am! I feel every bit as much hurt and grief as you do, but at least I'm still trying to be here for you instead of being a stone wall! And that's the worst part about all of it. You're here but shutting me out like you're not!" He says, and I can tell he's trying to keep his anger in check so the plumbing doesn't explode. Percy's plenty powerful, but I don't often think of him as scarry. Right now I do. His eyes are wild, and his face is hard. Every muscle in his body is taut like a bowstring. And I just need to get out.
"Well then I guess I'll make it easier." I whisper, then push past him and run out the door.