Chapter 58 – Good, Or Don't Be

Rei stood petrified within the staff room of the school, her heart thundering, her breath coming in short and ragged gasps as she stared back at Yui-sama. This wasn't possible. She wasn't supposed to be here in the perfect world she'd made for herself just like Shinji wasn't supposed to reject her. None of this was supposed to be happening! "H- h- how are you here?" she stammered, barely able to choke out the words.

Yui-sama's smirk didn't waver as if the question was inconsequential. "The better question is how are you here?" she responded evenly.

Rei winced and closed her eyes at the question as if she'd been struck, the memory of how she'd gotten to this place screaming through her mind's eye. "I- I m- made this place," she stammered out. "I- I chose this place..."

"Indeed you did," Yui-sama's voice filled her ears. "And why?"

Rei pulled her arms tight around herself, digging her fingers into the sleeves of her school uniform, shutting her eyes tighter in an attempt to block everything out. It didn't work. All the memories stabbed at her like daggers. All the pain, loss, fear, hopelessness, despair, and regret in all of her lives came roaring back to the forefront of her mind. She didn't want to remember it. She wanted nothing more than to simply forget and live in the perfect world she'd desired. "Stop!" she cried out, taking a step backwards, holding her head in her hands. "I don't want to remember! I don't want to feel that pain again!"

She felt a pair of hands on her shoulders and jolted, her eyes flashing open. Yui-sama was standing right in front of her, holding her in place, her expression having turned decidedly frigid. "Pain is a part of living," she responded. "You need to accept that."

Rei looked away from her, biting the inside of her lip. She didn't want to deal with this. Reality was too painful to deal with. That was why she'd ran away and built this perfect world... "I'm sick of the pain..." she whimpered, her eyes stinging. "I'm sick of getting hurt... I'm sick of everything... I don't understand why existence has to be so painful."

"You never understood anything," Yui-sama replied flatly.

Rei grit her teeth, her throat tightening up. "Everything I ever did amounted to nothing..." she whispered bitterly. "No matter how hard I tried it wasn't enough..."

"Did you ever really try or did you let your fear paralyze you?" Yui-sama countered.

Rei's breath became ragged gasps as she fought back the tears to no avail. She had a point... her fears an inaction had kept her from acting many, many times... "I didn't want to hurt anyone..." she murmured softly. "I didn't want to get hurt myself..."

"And yet all you did was bring that pain on others and yourself," Yui-sama stated in reply. "Because you were afraid..."

Rei closed her eyes and bowed her head, starting to sob. "That wasn't my fault!" she croaked out. "Everyone betrayed me! They betrayed my feelings! They never understood me! All I received for opening my heart was suffering! What's the point of understanding how I feel, what it means feel, if all it leads to is pain!?"

"That's the same for everyone else," Yui-sama returned. "And you were never truly honest with them. How could you expect them to be honest with you? How could you expect them to understand you?"

Rei held her head in her hands, desperately trying to stop the torrent of emotion that was flooding through her soul. "What's the point in trying if nothing I do ever succeeds? What's the point in living if all it means is more suffering?" she whimpered in despair. "I might as well just give and stop trying..."

"Then what are you living for?" Yui-sama inquired.

Rei didn't want to hear these things. It was too raw, too real, too painful... "Nothing ever changes..." she whimpered. "I couldn't save the world so I might as well just die..."

"Then what is your hand for?" Yui-sama countered.

"All I've ever gotten for caring about anyone is pain," Rei hissed through her teeth, the angry, despairing tears streaming down her cheeks. "They might as well die too..."

"Then what is your heart for?" Yui-sama responded.

The tears just kept coming. Yui-sama's words were powerful but she didn't want to listen to her. The pain was too much... "No one ever understood me. No one ever loved me... not even Shinji..." she croaked out between sobs. "It would have been better if I'd never existed at all..."

"Then why are you here? Why did you choose life oh so long ago?" Yui-sama inquired.

It was a poignant question, one she wasn't sure she knew the answer to anymore. Even if she did, she wasn't sure if her choice was worth it... Rei opened her eyes and looked at Yui-sama, meeting her gaze with hot tears clouding her vision, her heart beating fast in her chest. "Was that the right choice for me to make?" she asked. "Was it right or just another mistake?"

There was a lingering pause. A tense, icy silence lingered in the air before Rei got a response a moment later. "That's a question you have to answer for yourself..." Yui-sama responded with a soft grin, placing a hand on her shoulder momentarily before stepping past her, out of the staff room.

Rei turned around to follow her but she'd disappeared. To her surprise, instead of the hallway, the dimly lit school auditorium was where the staff room exited into. For some reason she felt compelled to enter and as soon as she did everything went black, punctuated by the sound of a spotlight switching off. Before she could even process the plunge into total and absolute darkness, the lights turned on again, again punctuated by that clicking noise, and instantly she was standing front and center on the stage within that space...

She looked around and examined her surroundings. There was nothing on the dimly lit stage beside a single folding chair just like the one Ritsuko kept in her office for her. The floor was empty, not a soul or a single chair in the expanse before her, but when she turned around she flinched at what she saw. There was a red, paper mache cross standing at the back of the stage, an effigy of Lilith pinned to it...

"Sit..." a baritone voice commanded, calling out to her from the shadows.

Rei recognized that voice, and even now when he spoke in such a ominous way it sent shivers down her spine. She turned to her right and there he was... Commander Ikari was standing on stage left, regarding her with an expression of displeasure, if not outright contempt. Even so, she did as instructed. Even now in this place, where ever or whatever it was, it was so hard to go against him...

He stepped forward until he stood directly in front of her, looking down his nose at her. "Do you know why you're here?" he asked, his tone level and nearly emotionless.

Rei shrunk in her chair, unable to look him in the eye, too ashamed to look him in the eye... "I... I merged with Adam and Lilith..." she murmured in reply, the words tasting bitter and shameful as they left her mouth. Guilt and despair in equal measure rolled over her in waves.

"Why?" he asked, his voice bordering on a snarl. "Even after I gave you freedom to decide your own fate, after I abandoned my plans, you still chose this end. Why?"

Rei hunched over, holding her head in her hands. "What was I supposed to do!" she wailed. "It was hopeless! Everything is hopeless! I-"

"You gave in to despair," Commander Ikari cut her off. "You chose to run away from your sorrows and embrace the only escape left to you."

Rei shuddered and dug her fingers into her hair. His words rang true but she didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to be enduring this. She didn't want to be here right now. She didn't want to have to hear these kinds of things, especially from Commander Ikari. "Stop it..." she whimpered. "You don't understand..."

"What don't we understand?" a chorus of voices sounded in unison.

Rei jolted back in her chair, her eyes snapping open. Commander Ikari had disappeared and now it was Asuka, Misato, and Ritsuko standing before her.

"The choices you've made?" Ritsuko asked with a look somewhere between pity and disappointment.

"Or why you made them?" Misato added, her expression showing visible disappointment.

"Why you kept your secrets and told your lies?" Asuka pressed, sneering down at her in disgust. "Why would we want to understand those things?"

Rei looked back at them, trembling as the emotional hurt and pain welling up in her chest. "Because we're friends..." she replied just above a whisper. "B- because you care about me..."

"Why should we care about you?" Asuka scoffed, wrinkling her nose at her.

"You lied to us," Misato added, that stony expression of hers unwavering.

"You turned your back on everyone, on the world itself, and on reality as a whole," Ritsuko stated flatly, her look of disappointment intensifying.

Rei balled her fists and grit her teeth, the tears flowing down her cheeks yet again as anger took the place of despair. "Stop it!" she cried out, wincing her eyes shut once more. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Make it stop!"

"I trusted you..." spoke a new voice. "And yet you never trusted me enough to ever let me in..."

Rei opened her eyes to find Shinji had taken the place of Misato, Asuka, and Ritsuko. Her heart practically stopped when she saw the expression on his face. It was the same empty, bitter, angry, and despairing expression he'd had on his face when she'd happened upon him in Asuka's hospital room. "I- I wanted to..." she croaked. "I really, really wanted to... but I was afraid..."

"I don't care," he responded, his tone cold as ice. It terrified her. It reminded her of his father... "You hurt me. You kept me at arms length because it was easier, even though deep down you knew how much I wanted to be there for you..."

Rei stood up from the chair, her emotions overwhelming her. "I was afraid!" she screamed between guttural sobs. "I was afraid you wouldn't understand!"

"I would have," he replied with a frigid expression, his voice as icy as it had been moments ago, his eyes boring into hers. "But you never gave me the chance."

Anger now took the place of guilt though despair remained. "No you wouldn't have!" Rei screeched back at him, coming completely unglued. "You can't understand! You have no idea how hard it is being me!"

The spotlight above her head switched off, plunging the stage into darkness. Half a second later it switched back on. When it did, Yui-sama had replaced Shinji opposite her on the stage. "And who is Rei Ayanami?" she asked.

Rei teetered backwards and collapsed into the chair behind her. The question was so simple and yet... and yet it hit her harder than anything she'd ever experienced in any of her lives. She hunched over her knees and held her head in her hands, letting that question sink in. Who was she? What made Rei Ayanami Rei Ayanami? What genuinely made up her person, her character, her soul? It terrified her that she couldn't answer that question...

"I'll tell you," Asuka's voice shook her from her contemplation. Rei looked to her left and found the redhead standing there with arms folded, a scowl on her face. "She's a bit like this..."

The world swirled around before Rei's eyes until she was looking at an image of herself. She watched herself confronting Asuka on the aircraft carrier, herself playing video games with Asuka, herself trying to comfort her after Nagisa went to his death, along with so many other visions. In all of them she looked cold, closed off, and stoic, emotionally unavailable... The way she moved and the way she talked felt off. This was how Asuka saw her. It hurt... "No..." she murmured aloud. "This isn't me..."

"I'll tell you..." Misato's voice rang in her mind.

Rei watched as the visions changed. Now she was watching how she stood by the doors to the medical ward after Shinji was nearly incinerated by the Fifth Angel's particle beam. She saw herself sitting and eating dinner with Misato, Asuka, and Shinji the first night she'd slept over at their home. She saw herself confronting Asuka when Shinji was absorbed into the Angel that created that portal in the ground. In every memory she was an overly concerned, overly nervous, overly emotional girl who seemed driven by her emotions. She disliked seeing this... "No..." she murmured softly. "That's not me..."

"I'll tell you who Rei is..." Ritsuko's voice sounded in her mind.

Again, the scenery before her swirled and twisted before materializing into something else. Rei watched as yet another series of scenes took shape before her. She saw herself holding hands with Shinji after the incident with the Fifth Angel. She saw herself suspended, naked, in the testing tank used to log her memories as Commander Ikari stood by stoically. She saw herself hunched over in the folding chair in Ritsuko's office looking absolutely terrified. In every single scene she appeared visibly nervous, worried, appearing almost like a scared puppy. She hated it... "No..." she murmured. "This isn't me..."

"I'll tell you who Rei is..." Shinji's voice spoke to her, coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once.

The vision before her spun and warped before yet again becoming clear. She saw herself through his eyes. Both moments when he'd pulled her from her entry plug after the Fifth Angel played in her mind. Then she saw herself by his bedside after the Angel that he'd been absorbed in. After that she saw the scene of herself showing him the tank filled with clones followed by her confession of her feelings. In the first two she'd appeared caring and warm. In the latter two she'd appeared needy, desperate, full of despair and sadness. She wanted to believe she was that warm and caring... but she knew she'd deceived him, and hurt being perceived as so pitiful... "No..." she murmured before protesting louder. "This isn't me. This isn't me!"

"Then who are you?" Yui-sama's voice pierced her ears.

"Who are you?" Asuka's voice stabbed at her ears.

"Who are you?" Misato's voice rocked her soul.

"Who are you?" Ritsuko inquired of her pensively.

"Who are you?" Shinji's voice punched her in the chest.

Rei shut her eyes and grimaced, grabbing the roots of her hair in her fists. "I don't know!" she screamed in desperation and despair, shaking her head in desperation. "I don't know! I don't know!"

The spotlight clicked back on and once again Rei was in the school auditorium, sitting in that awful folding chair. Now Yui-sama stood front and center before her with Misato, Ritsuko, Asuka, and Shinji hanging behind her, partially in the shadows. "There are multiple beings known as Rei Ayanami," Yui-sama stated evenly. "The Rei Ayanami who you know, the Rei Ayanami within the minds of others, and the Rei Ayanami who actually is."

Rei sat there confused. "So... which one am I really?" she inquired nervously. "Which one is the real me?"

"None of them," Ritsuko stated.

"And all of them," Shinji added.

Rei frowned. It was an interesting answer but also one that was completely unhelpful. How was it possible to exist in such an existential paradox? "I don't understand..." she responded in a low whisper. "How is that possible?"

"What, are you stupid?" Asuka scoffed. "How could you be oblivious to something so simple!?"

"It means that the real you can never be fully known by others," Misato stated. "And because you can never truly know the image of yourself that exists within the minds of others then you can never fully know yourself."

"You can only know the self that you perceive and be mindful of the self you present to others," Shinji stated flatly.

The gears within her mind began to turn. "So... what I just saw wasn't me?" Rei asked, slightly confused.

"The things you saw are just the way you perceive yourself to be perceived in the minds of others," Ritsuko responded. "All you saw was your own warped perspective. Do you understand?"

Rei looked down at her feet and fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. It was a bitter truth but she did understand it. She could never truly know what other people actually thought of her. At the same time, the self that she did know was a person she despised... "I hate myself..." she murmured softly. "I hate the person I perceive as myself... if I ever let anyone in, if I ever let them know the real me... they'd never understand me then they would hate me too..."

"How can you expect anyone to care about you if you don't care about yourself?" Shinji inquired.

"How can you expect us to be open and honest with you if you're too afraid to do the same?" Asuka pried.

"Is that why you feel the way you do? Is it that fear of rejection and the sadness born from that flawed perspective?" Ritsuko asked.

"Is that why you chose to escape from reality?" Misato added. "Is that why you chose to run away from yourself and the world?"

Rei covered her ears and roared in anguish. "I didn't know what to do!" she screamed. "What would you have done if you were in my position!?"

"So you think that everyone would have reacted in the same way you did?" Yui-sama's voice filled her ears. "What a self centered way of thinking..."

"So what if it is!" Rei wailed. "The alternative is pain! What's wrong with running away from reality if reality is painful!?"

"Because reality is something that one can never escape. One can enjoy a dream but eventually they must awaken. The only permanent escape is death," Yui-sama replied evenly before her lips curved up in a somewhat sadistic smile. "Do you want to die, Rei?"

Rei's pulse quickened. She remembered the sensation of Naoko Akagi's hands around her neck. She remembered the fear and regret she'd felt every time she'd been close to death. She remembered the fear she'd felt when Third Impact was ending and she felt her consciousness pulling away from her toward the void. She remembered how she'd been ready to start flailing, screaming, reaching out to anything and anyone to avoid that fate when Yui-sama first appeared to her in that other life... "No..." she responded. "I don't want to die... I just... I want to be free..."

"Define such a term," rang the voice of Commander Ikari in her ears. "What is freedom?"

Rei looked up and found him standing at the forefront of the group gathered around her, the rest now standing a ways behind him. He looked down at her with a contemplative, somber expression, almost regretful. It reminded her of the way he looked when he'd bestowed Adam to her. "Shall I show you true freedom?" he continued.

Rei nodded her head. "Yes..." she whispered out in reply. "I want to be free of everything..."

Commander Ikari said nothing as he raised a hand into the air and snapped his fingers...

Instantly the stage was ripped away in a swirl of color, ultimately being replaced by an endless white expanse. Rei found herself floating, weightless, looking around at the formless plain around her. Everyone had disappeared, leaving her totally alone. She didn't like this place. It felt strange... "What is this place?" she called out nervously.

"This is a place of total freedom," Commander Ikari's voice sounded from everywhere and nowhere at once. "This is a world where there are no constraints and anything is possible."

Rei bit her lip. This place reminded her very much of the place she'd brought Shinji oh so long ago. A place with no pain, no happiness, no fear, no pleasure... a place of nothingness. "I don't like this..." she murmured. "It's confining... and yet empty all at once..."

Instantly the endless white void turned black. "So you understand now," Commander Ikari's voice sounded in her ears. "A place with total freedom and possibility is a world devoid of form or thought."

"A world absent of other people," Yui-sama's voice spoke to her.

"A world of total freedom is also a world that is empty, which creates a world that is limiting by its very nature, and therefore that freedom or its possibilities cannot be enjoyed," Commander Ikari spoke again. "It is a paradox."

"A world such as this, possibilities are endless... but there is nothing to define those possibilities," Yui-sama continued.

"Indeed," Commander Ikari stated. "Without limiting factors there is no path for growth or change."

"In a world like this one cannot even perceive themselves as there are no others to compare oneself to. There is nothing separating you between yourself and nothingness," Yui-sama added. "It is the same as death... and you've learned this lesson already."

The sound of a spotlight turning on sounded above her head and once again Rei was sitting in that folding chair within the auditorium of her school. When she looked around everyone was gone. She was alone... until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up and Yui-sama was standing there with a soft smile. "Are you ready to face the truth?" she asked. "Are you ready to face your reality and what your choices have brought you to?"

Rei turned away from her and stared down at her knees, the enormity of her situation laid bare. She had to face her choices at some point. She just couldn't stay in some fantasy world of her creation because it was just a substitute for reality. Any happiness she could get here would be false. At the same time, leaving would probably mean her death. It was such a bitter thing... "What was the point?" she murmured. "What was the point of me even getting another chance at living? I had many chances and even though I tried my best they came to nothing... so what was the purpose of your gift to me?"

Yui-sama laughed. "My gift?" she responded. "You really think it was me that sent you back?"

Rei was puzzled by her reaction. "What do you mean?" she asked, unable to bring herself look at her.

Yui-sama stepped around her and lifted her chin, forcing Rei to look at her. "Rei, the choice was yours," she stated flatly. "The power was yours, it always was. All I did was help you make your choice... and help you define the reality you'd awaken to."

Those words felt like a punch in the stomach. After a moment, Rei's shock turned to anger. "What was the point then?" she hissed. "If the power was mine to begin with then why would I awake in another world different from my original one? Why would I make things more difficult for myself to change? What was even the point? Was it just you trying to drive home the lesson that the future can't be changed!? It just seems cruel..."

Yui-sama stood back, retaining her grin. "The specifics don't matter, but to answer your question I'll levy one to you... how much could you have learned about yourself and others if you knew exactly what to expect from the world around you? Life doesn't work that way," she responded. "And besides, as someone on the outside looking in, it was rather fun to watch... well... for the most part at least, until you gave up."

Rei balled her fists and looked at the floor. "What was the point of learning about other people if I couldn't change anything?" she hissed. "What's the point in continuing on if I can't change my fate? Why couldn't I have awakened in a peaceful world like the dream you just pulled me from?"

Yui-sama shrugged her shoulders. "Why didn't you?" she countered.

Rei thought on that for a moment, the anger diminishing. Perhaps subconsciously she'd wanted things to be different when she'd gone back to the beginning. In addition to that she hadn't had any real comprehension of what a peaceful world without the Evas or the Angels would be like... "Because it was all I could think of... a world with Angels and Evas..." she admitted. "Because it was all I knew..."

"Our experiences are what determine how we see reality," Yui-sama stated in reply. "You drew on your own experiences and entered a world that you could comprehend, one that was familiar yet new."

Rei scowled. "So what does that mean?" she asked. "Are you saying that everything I've been through in the last few months was nothing but a dream? Was any of it real? Was any of it any more real that this place right now?"

"That's for you to decide," Yui-sama responded. "Reality is at the end of a dream and dreams exist within reality. Our reality effects our dreams and forms our memories which in turn allow us to shape our perception and impact on our reality. Make of that what you will."

Rei was becoming more and more confused, more and more overwhelmed. "So... what you're saying is that what's real to me is determined by my experiences and my dreams," she replied, deep in contemplation. "And when I ran away from reality I retreated to my dreams?"

"Yes," Yui-sama returned. "Now answer your own inquiry... was any of it real?"

Rei closed her eyes and allowed her memories to play over in her mind. Her experiences in both of the worlds in which she'd lived played over in her head. Even though both worlds she'd lived and experienced were filled with pain there were still moments of genuine kindness and warmth... but they were unreachable now. She knew that deep down in her heart to be true. "Yes..." she responded as the sorrow rolled over her in waves. "It was all real to me... but there's nothing I can do now. Third Impact is happening. There's nothing I can do to stop it... other than just going back to the beginning again."

Yui-sama laughed yet again. "So you'd prefer to live your life running forever in circles instead of going forward?" she countered. "That's no way to live. Even if you did go back to the beginning, or any beginning, would you be able to change anything?"

"I could try..." Rei protested meekly.

"But if you can't put your trust in others then how could you succeed?" Commander Ikari's voice sounded in her ears.

Rei looked up to find him and Shinji on either side of Yui-sama. "If you can't accept things as they are, and accept yourself as who you are, then you'll never be able to change your reality for the better," Shinji stated flatly. "You'll repeat the same mistakes over and over again in any reality."

Rei regarded Shinji with a somber expression. "Why should I accept myself?" she asked. "I'm not even human... no matter how much I wish I was."

"What defines as human being?" A new voice mused with an airy voice. "Is it merely one's form or is it how they interact with the world?"

Rei turned her head and on the right of the stage stood Nagisa, his hands in his pockets, that light and carefree smile on his face that she knew all too well. "It's a question worth answering, don't you think?" he continued.

Rei yet again looked down at her feet. He had a point... but she had no way of answering that question. "I don't know the answer..." she murmured aloud. "I wish I did..."

She felt a hand rest on her shoulders. "From what I've seen, you're just as human as anyone else," Ritsuko's voice filled her ears. "Genetics don't account for everything."

"So what is it that you really want?" Yui-sama inquired. "Is that what is the root of your despair, that you don't see yourself as a person?"

Rei thought hard on that question. There were so many things that fed her depression. That was certainly one of them but it wasn't the entire picture, just a small piece of it. The fact that she couldn't change reality, the fact that her reality and her place in it was so absurd, the fact that the bonds of friendship she'd formed had come undone... but the biggest thing was that Shinji had pushed her away. "I want to be with Shinji... that was all I ever wanted..." she murmured softly. "If I could just be with him then everything would be alright..."

"So your happiness is based on attachment and dependency!?" Asuka's voice shouted out. "Jesus Christ, Wonder-Girl, that's toxicity if I ever heard it!"

Rei bristled at the comment. She looked up and everyone else had disappeared, leaving just her and Asuka alone on the stage. She glared at the redhead, her heart pounding in her chest. "I love him!" she protested. "What's wrong with that being the source of my happiness!"

Asuka planted a hand on her hip and returned the expression in kind. "There's nothing wrong with that making you happy, love is supposed to make you happy," she stated flatly. "The problem is letting that be the source of all your happiness, when that's the only thing that you live for or cherish in your life. Look at what happened between me and Kaworu for fuck's sake!"

That response was unexpected... but it was true. She'd never thought of it this way but her dependence on Shinji to validate her existence was indeed rather unhealthy. But how could she change that? How could she reconcile her love and attachment with him and still find a way to be happy? How could she be happy even without him? The idea scared her... but Asuka did have a point. She should be capable of being happy without outside factors or people validating her. "I... I suppose you're right..." she responded with a bitter frown.

"It's me!" Asuka scoffed, smirking and folding her arms across her chest. "I'm always right! And besides, don't you see a bit of irony that you became just like that idiot in your original world? Don't you see the irony that you're sitting here, learning the same lessons he did after you yourself helped him comprehend them?"

Rei sat silently as those words stabbed at her. Indeed it was quite ironic...

"You need to accept that rejection and pain are a part of living," Spoke Commander Ikari as he stepped out of the shadows and stood beside the redhead. "Otherwise you'll never be able to move forward."

"And besides..." Misato spoke as she also emerged from the shadows to join the group. "It's that pain that allows you to appreciate the good in life. Without the threat of it we'd never be able to cherish happiness or appreciate our triumphs."

Rei shook her head. "It all seems so absurd..." she muttered. "It's all so absurd... it seems so pointless."

"Reality is absurd and there is no deeper meaning to life," Yui-sama responded. "There is no rhyme or reason for any of it. All you can do is accept that and keep living."

Rei's frown deepened. "But if reality is so absurd then what's the point in doing that?" she asked. "If I don't have something to live for then what purpose does living serve? What purpose do I have for existing? Is life even worth living?"

"The fundamental question of philosophy centers on that question, whether life is, or is not, worth living," Yui-sama returned. "All the rest comes secondary..."

"Man is a creature who's existence precedes its essence, unlike you. You were created with a purpose," Commander Ikari stated. "Unlike normal humans, your essence preceded your existence."

"And when you cast off that purpose for which you were created you were free to decide your own," Misato added.

"Which means that you chose to face the circumstance of all humanity," Ritsuko stated. "You embraced the human condition through your own will to self determination."

"But this existential emptiness, this void of purpose, is at the root of all humanity's despair," Commander Ikari continued. "The fact that we are all born without purpose in a meaningless, random world. We stand alone, abandoned by nature and by God, left to shoulder the burden of being conscious of our place in the world and of our own mortality. This loneliness, this curse... is mankind's cross to bear."

"So to combat this dread, mankind chooses his own purpose and assigns meaning to existence to combat this absurdity," Yui-sama stated. "The attainment of your aspirations and your goals becomes your purpose in lieu of one assigned to you."

"In the absence of a defined purpose you assigned yourself one that yourself chose," Commander Ikari said, elaborating on Yui-sama's point. "You did this to make sense of the world in which you found yourself. You took a leap of faith..."

"And it's the same for everyone else at one point or another," Misato spoke. "We assign ourselves purpose in an attempt to answer the absurd, to resolve this loneliness and emptiness, this lack of meaning."

"But it doesn't work in the long term, it's merely a veil we use to block it out." Ritsuko added. "The absurd is too strong for that veil to last forever. When this happens, when our faith in ourselves and the idea that purpose or order exist, even one we choose, the charade is over and we are left with nothing. When we realize the futility of our existence, and the purposeless of our lives amid the random, meaningless chaos of reality, we are faced with two options; a hopeful suicide... or revolt."

"So which one will you chose?" Shinji inquired. "What now does your heart desire?"

"Will you run from your problems and pass through the doors of death in the hope that what lays beyond is better than the trials of living?" Yui-sama asked. "Or will you revolt?"

Rei sat there silently, taking in what she'd just heard from everyone gathered around her. What they said spoke to her deeply. It described so much of the things she'd been through. She'd certainly gone out of her way to block out the absurdity of reality. She'd given herself a reason to live by seeking to prevent the end of the world and in failing she'd given in to escapism in a way that was no different from a suicide. It was true... her leap of faith had failed. She didn't want to commit suicide... but that last term perplexed her. Revolt... what did revolt mean? "I don't understand..." she murmured. "What do you mean by revolt?"

"What are you, stupid?" Asuka scoffed. "How can you not understand after everything you've been through!?"

"Rebellion," Commander Ikari stated flatly. "Rebellion against the absurd itself."

"Accepting all the hurt, and the pain, and the paradoxes, and the absurd nature of reality itself... and continuing to exist in spite of all of it," Yui-sama added. "After all, anywhere can be a paradise so long as you have the will to live."

"So long as you have the will to live you can shape your reality and bring your dreams the life," Misato stated.

"But if you decide to live in dreams then all you're doing is running away," Shinji added. "But if you accept who you are, that you are the collection of your yesterdays, then you can learn to accept reality as I did in that other world..."

It seemed like such a hopeful way of looking at things... but... "I don't like myself," Rei responded bitterly. "I don't like the parts of me that are too afraid to act, the parts of me that close myself off to others, the parts of me that are weak and deceitful. It's so hard... I want to believe that what you're saying is correct but... it's hard to embrace it when I don't like the person that I am."

"Then work to change those things, idiot!" Asuka squawked.

"You are the master of your fate. You are the captain of your soul," Ritsuko stated. "You are the only one who can change who you are."

"Someone who hates themselves can never truly love or accept others," Commander Ikari stated flatly. "They can never accept reality or the absurdity that is the human condition."

"Why don't you like yourself?" Shinji inquired. "What reason do you have to hate yourself?"

Rei dug her fingers into the hem of her skirt, fidgeting in her chair. "Because I failed to make a difference..." whispered out. "Because I let everyone down and there's nothing I can do about it..."

"And so you're just going to give up because you screwed up once or twice!?" Asuka spat. "That's not the Rei Ayanami I know!"

"That's not the Rei Ayanami I know," Ritsuko stated.

"Nor the one I know," Commander Ikari remarked.

"And that's not the Rei Ayanami that I know either..." Shinji added, his lips curving upward slightly.

Rei let those words sink in. "So... what you're telling me is that... so long as I keep living and I embrace living, no matter where it leads me, I can still find happiness?" she asked.

"Yes," Yui-sama stated firmly.

"It's all a matter of perspective," Shinji added. "You can choose to give in and accept that nothing will ever get better or you can strive, seek, and fight onward until you find happiness, even if it's fleeting, and cherish the journey. It's nothing but a choice we all make and the choice left to you. That is the truth of things."

"The truths that we live by are always changing," Commander Ikari spoke up. "They grow and evolve with us, tempered by our experiences. You can lay down and accept things as they come or you can be proactive and change the way you look at things."

"There are as many truths are there are people," Misato stated. "But only one truth that is unique to you."

"Your perception of reality is shaped by that truth," Nagisa added. "In a way, the truths that you hold within yourself are the reality in which you live; what you perceive as real."

"You can let how you perceive reality control your actions," Ritsuko said. "Or you can work to change your perspective which in turn will change your reality."

"Running away from your problems only delays them catching up with you. Until you face the hard things in life you'll never be able to grow. The choice of how you live your life and how your see it is yours..." Yui-sama spoke. "It always has been and it still is. So long as you're alive, anywhere can be paradise. It's just a choice..."

Rei's breath caught in her throat,. For the first time in forever a small ember of hope was burning in her chest... "So... I can make up for the mistakes I've made?" she asked, looking down at her feet. "I can overcome them?"

"Yes," Yui-sama replied. "So long as you're alive and have the will to keep moving forward you can work toward a better future."

"One where you can overcome the mistakes of your yesterdays," Commander Ikari added. "One where you can be the person you wish to be so long as you work toward that end."

"But it's up to you to choose how you go about that..." Yui-sama stated quietly, her voice reverberating throughout the auditorium. "You can run or you can revolt... now choose."

When Rei looked up everyone had disappeared, once again leaving her alone. She stood from the chair and looked around, soaking in the poignant silence that enveloped her. Everything that everyone had said to her whirled through her mind and slowly she began to piece it all together. She drew a deep breath and turned around, facing the effigy of Lilith pinned to the cross at the back of the stage. "This is all in my mind, isn't it?" she asked.

Silence answered her...

Rei closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. She pondered the question of what reality was and what it meant to her. Yui-sama was right that she couldn't simply keep going back and forth and running in circles, repeating things over and over until she was satisfied. She couldn't simply retreat into a world where she had command over everything as that would make everything she'd suffered through ultimately meaningless. Even so... she wished she had an answer to the biggest lingering question of her existence, that being which world was the real one? Was it the original world before she'd met Yui-sama or was it the world she'd spent so much time trying to save? In the first one she'd been empty for most of it and she'd never really lived. She'd spent her lives living in a fog, barely even her own person. In the latter she'd learned what it meant to live and feel like a human being.

The choice was obvious...

"There's still so much I don't understand and I don't know if I ever will..." she murmured, staring up at the effigy. "But... the world where I truly got to know Misato and Ritsuko, Asuka and Shinji, even Commander Ikari... and I had the chance to just... live... that's my reality. That was real..."

Again, nothing but silence answered her...

Rei closed her eyes and drew a deep breath, trying to center herself. If she was a human being, if she wanted to live as one, she couldn't simply remake reality... but what could she do? How could she come to terms with what it meant to be human being? The lesson that her friends tried to impart of her filled her mind; that she could change herself... and right now she had the power to do so. She had all the power in the world at her fingertips and she still didn't know what to do.

So she sat there in the silent, empty auditorium, contemplating what the right choice was.

She'd messed things up before, through inaction and secrecy. She'd let her fear and other emotions control her actions. If she just went back to the world she knew then there was no telling how broken the world might be, no telling how other people would see her for what she'd chosen to do. Even so, she couldn't just do nothing. If she did nothing, like she had so many times, then that was equivalent to running away from reality. It was running away from the absurd. No... she had to fight it. She had to draw the lines of battle out and see things through to the bitter end. Even if it was hard, even if it might lead her to despair and regret, even then...

"I want to see them again..." she murmured. "I know that it might be painful and I know they might push me away, that nothing lasts forever... that reality is absurd and devoid or meaning or purpose... but those bonds I shared with them made it bearable."

Only silence answered her...

Rei opened her eyes and stared up at the effigy. "If I try to change reality then I'm just running away from pain..." she murmured. "But I can change myself. Because I can change myself, in how I perceive myself and how I carry myself, I have the power to change my reality... and maybe... just maybe that can ripple out across existence. The changes I make for myself can effect other people and spill out over the world at large. If I look within my heart and dislike what I see I can always work to change, improve, and grow..."

Yet again, silence...

Rei bowed her head as the ghost of a smile formed on her lips. Yes. That was the path forward, something she'd forgotten amid the chaos and absurdity and pain of her situation. She took a deep breath and continued putting her thoughts to words. "No matter what happens, no matter how painful existence gets or how little it makes sense, so long as I persevere I can work to amend my mistakes and any broken bonds," she stated firmly. "I can be the person I wish to be, a person worthy of acceptance, a person worthy of love..."

Once again, silence filled the room.

Rei's smile grew and her heart swelled. She didn't need anyone to tell her her that the conclusion she'd come to was right, not Commander Ikari, not Yui-sama, not even Shinji. It was simply the truth, her truth, one born from having this moment, extraordinary chance to reach into her own heart and mind and see things clearly... "Maybe... maybe I can accept myself," she spoke, her voice growing in confidence. "Maybe... maybe I can learn to love myself as well..."

Once more, nothing responded to her, but the walls around her began to crack like splintering glass.

Her heart began beating faster. Her gaze snapped back to the effigy pinned to the cross. The smile cresting on her lips expanded as her resolve rose from an ember into a roaring flame. "I am I!" she shouted. "I am nothing more or less than I! I am a human being! I am the human being known as Rei Ayanami!"

WHAT DO YOU WISH FOR?

Lilith's voice sounded within her mind, accompanied by the cracks in this plain of existence growing. If this was all in her mind then she had control over it. She could make it whatever she wished. She could be whatever and whoever she wished to be! "I want to go back!" she shouted. "I wish to live as a human being! I wish to see my friends again!"

WHY?

The cracks grew yet again, spreading to the floor and the ceiling. "Because this place is just fantasy! This isn't my reality! My reality is with them!" Rei declared.

WHY?

The cracks in the walls, ceiling, and floor of the auditorium began linking together. "Because even though existence might be painful, even if it leads to me getting hurt again, those feelings and those bonds with others I forged in that world were real!" Rei cried. "I want to move forward! I want to strive for a better future for those I love and for myself as well!"

WHY?

Rei squeezed her eyes shut and the emotion burning in her chest exploded out of her like a supernova. "Because my life is a life worth living!" she shouted out at the top of her lungs.

The walls surrounding her shattered in a swirling vortex as applause and cheers filled her ears. She was standing atop a miniature earth with everyone she'd ever known standing around her, utterly bewildered by this development. Directly in front of her stood Yui-sama, clapping her hands and smiling at her warmly. She nodded her head approvingly, her eyes twinkling with goodwill. "Congratulations!" she exclaimed.

Misato followed suit, wearing a huge grin and applauding her. "Congratulations!"

Then Ritsuko, regarding her with a smile. "Congratulations!"

"Congrats, Rei!" Asuka chirped with a playful smirk.

"Way to go!" Suzuhara and Aida chimed in. "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!" Class Representative Horaki cheered.

Off to the side, Misato's pet penguin squawked happily.

Rei turned her head to her left and there stood Lt. Ibuki, Lt. Aoba, and Lt. Hyuga. "Congratulations!" they all chorused.

Nagisa stood slightly behind them, applauding just as vigorously as everyone else. "Congratulations!" he declared with that airy grin of his.

"Congratulations!" Kaji called to her cheerily, appearing beside Misato.

"Congratulations," stated Vice Commander Fuyutsuki as he appeared adjacent to them.

Rei looked to her right. There stood Commander Ikari beside Shinji, the former's hand resting atop the latter's shoulder. Both of them wore expressions of joy and pride. "Congratulations..." both of them spoke warmly in unison.

Rei felt her heart beating faster and her eyes began to sting but it wasn't unwelcome. She was crying now but those tears weren't tears of sadness. No... this feeling in her chest was one of pure joy. It was a level of joy, happiness, and self acceptance that she'd never experienced before in any of her lives. She smiled back at everyone before issuing a respectful bow. Even if all of this was simply happening within her own mind, those words of praise that everyone had shared were exactly what she'd needed to hear...

She closed her eyes and allowed herself to smile ever wider. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to scream. She wanted to jump for joy, but even if this was within her own mind, even then she didn't want to ruin this beautiful moment. She wanted to bask in this glorious, beautiful feeling for as long as she could. "Thank you all..." Rei replied with happy tears running down her cheeks as she responded to their applause with a small, respectful bow...

Author's notes

Well, there you have it folks. The majority of Rei's character arc has built up to this moment. I hope that it satisfies. Also, I hope that it's rather clear now why I chose the title of the story that I did. Rei finally accepts her mistakes, accepts herself, and is ready to move forward, ready to end the cycle of indecision, deception, and pain she's found herself in. The slow descent into existential despair and the ultimate conclusion Rei comes to is purposefully meant to mirror that of Shinji in canon. Also, I will note, episode 26 is perhaps my favorite episode of the entire series proper. How could I resist an overt homage?

This one and the previous update were originally going to be a single chapter in my original outline. However, I thought the themes would be better displayed over two separate parts. I must admit, when I first conceptualized the story, this was one of the first moments that I knew I wanted to bring to the page. In addition, I wanted to answer the existential thematic resolution of the original series with an absurdist counter argument. They are two very similar philosophies but with some marked differences. As such, the resolution of Rei's existential crisis, while very similar to Shinji's in canon, is more in line with those ideas. Hell, I even lifted some terms directly out of Camus' "The Myth Of Sisyphus" for example. Like I said in my author bio, I'm really just a hack...

But the story isn't over, there's still a ways to go. Rei may have realized that she has to accept her choices and accept reality, but that doesn't mean her arc is over. It doesn't mean that the story ends here. Besides, as we see with canon Shinji in EoE, just because you can change your views on yourself and the world doesn't mean you get a free pass for your mistakes or the shitty things you've done. You have to live with your mistakes and hopefully grow past them. That's my takeaway from the utterly magnificent ending we got in canon.

As for what comes next and how this situation is resolved... well... you'll only have one week to find out.

Please read and review, and congrats on getting this far.

Regards,

A.F.