Fred and George had been having a great day. Their status as the school's top pranksters had been truly cemented by the events of the evening prior. Plus, as an unexpected bonus, Colin Creevey had recorded the frog choir incident at the Three Broomsticks and gifted them a copy, so not even their mother's howler at breakfast had been enough to dull their cheer.

Aside from a brief pit stop to chat with Harry, they spent the train ride with Lee and the Gryffindor chasers. All in all, it was a very merry day, right up until they exited the train and came face-to-face with an unusually somber Bill.

"…Where are Mum and Dad?" George ventured cautiously.

Bill didn't even chide him for failing to say hello. "St. Mungo's." He said somberly, "Something's wrong with Ron."

Arthur and Molly Weasley were exhausted, both physically and emotionally. They had been in the hospital waiting room for over ten hours, worrying over their youngest son's unknown condition. Marcus had been updating them as best he could, but seeing as there were very few new developments, it was more like an hourly pep talk than anything else.

The 11th update, however, was different. Marcus ushered the Weasleys out of the waiting area into a private lounge where Healer Reis was waiting at a coffee table.

"Please, have a seat." The obviously fatigued healer gestured to the love seat situated on the other side of the table. Molly opened her mouth, but before she could get a word out the healer continued speaking. "I know that you've had a long and stressful day, so before we continue I want to assure you that Ronald is stable and we have him under continuous observation. Additionally, we've started an intensive course of pain relief and nutrient potions to help restore his strength."

Molly sagged against Arthur in relief as he let out a shaky "Thank Merlin."

"Now Marcus tells me that Ronald has been exhibiting these symptoms since before he came home for winter break. Do you have any idea of when exactly they started? Perhaps over a Hogsmeade weekend or during a class outing?" Healer Reis looked at the Weasleys with an even gaze.

"I- well, his brothers wrote home and said he'd been like this for weeks before the break started. As far as I know, his year hasn't had any additional outings other than Hogsmeade." Molly said worriedly.

"And Ron skipped the last Hogsmeade weekend, remember?" Arthur turned to his wife. "Ginny mentioned it in a letter a couple weeks ago; she was upset because he owed her Honeydukes and thought he was just trying to get out of it."

"So he started exhibiting symptoms on Hogwarts grounds?" Healer Reis confirmed. The parents nodded and the healer sighed. "I was afraid that you might say that. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, how familiar are you with compulsion charms?"

Now Molly was no slouch in regard to charms, but she hadn't looked into compulsion charms since studying for her NEWTS. Arthur, on the other hand, regularly looked into obscure charms and curses for his work at the ministry. He gripped his wife's hand firmly.

"Healer, you don't think—no, no one would be foolish enough to cast that on—not on a minor. Not while his magic is still developing." His face went pale as a sheet as he babbled, and Molly grew anxious once more. Arthur was a kind, congenial man, so people often thought that he was weak. In reality, however, Arthur was not easily shaken. When he became upset, it meant something was truly, terribly wrong.

"And these symptoms are so severe." The Weasley patriarch continued. "You can't possibly, there's no way, he's so ill—how long…he can't have been fighting so—" Arthur buried his face in his hands as a sob tore its way out from his throat. "At Hogwarts?" The now distraught man gasped. "At Hogwarts?"

Healer Reis looked at the horrified couple and nodded grimly. "Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, my colleagues and I have reason to believe that your son has been subjected to repeated compulsion charms for a prolonged period of time. Due to his age and the amount of time and energy he has spent fighting this, he is experiencing severe side effects, including magical instability and exhaustion, malnutrition, and anemia resulting in a moderate brain bleed. Based on the medical evidence and the timeline you've presented, we believe the compulsions were cast multiple times over the last few months by an adult wizard who has been in close proximity with your son." Mrs. Weasley let out a horrified sob, as the Healer Reis continued. "As a result of your son's status as a minor, I am required by law to report this case to wizarding child protective services, and an investigation will be opened." The healer paused, very obviously not looking forward to what she needed to say next. "In all likelihood, the caster resides in or has continuous access to the Hogwarts grounds."

Harry's experience on Boxing Day was much more pleasant than that of the Weasley family. He successfully made his way onto the train without getting called into Dumbledore's office, and the twins had dropped off a suspiciously happy Monty in his compartment about midway through the journey. He asked the snake what had him in such a good mood, but the python only mumbled something under his breath about mambas and the mambo, and Harry had decided that he really didn't need to know the details.

The young wizard exited the train and was promptly greeted with an armful of fluffy brown hair. "Hullo, 'Mione." He grinned, "You realize we just saw each other this morning, yeah?"

"Are you complaining about getting a hug from a pretty girl, Potter?" Hermione shot back at him.

Harry looked at her in shock for a moment, not expecting that kind of response. Had he acted weird during the last Hogsmeade trip? "I-uh, you," He cleared his throat. "This feels like a trap; there's no right answer, is there?"

She laughed and pulled him by the arm toward her waiting parents. "Nope!"

Harry let out a small sigh of relief; Hermione was just excited, she hadn't really meant anything by that comment. He smiled nervously as they reached the waiting Dan and Helen Granger. Harry had met them both a few times before, but only in passing. They were easy to recognize, however, as Hermione's dad had the signature curly hair, though it was much shorter than Hermione's, and Hermione's mother was a rather lovely woman in her own right. This would be Harry's first time spending any significant amount of time with them, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't at least a little bit nervous.

"Hullo Dr. Granger, Dr. Granger." He greeted them, holding his hand out to shake, "Thank you so much for inviting me to stay with you over break."

Hermione's father shook Harry's hand with a brief hello, but her mother pulled him in for a hug instead. "Oh of course! You're Hermione's oldest friend, you're welcome in our house any time. And enough of that Dr. Granger nonsense, call us Helen and Dan."

"Yes Ma'- er, Helen." He flushed, "Sorry, I'm not really used to calling adults by their first names."

"Are you calling us old, then?" Helen raised an eyebrow and placed a hand on her hip in a very familiar manner. Her hair was straight, but in that moment she looked remarkably similar to her daughter.

"This feels like a trap—" He started with a grin, and Hermione snorted as she attempted to elbow him in the side. Harry sidestepped it, however, and Mr. Granger let out a chuckle.

"You've got good reflexes there, son. She's got her mother's elbows." Dan laughed as he was immediately greeted by the aforementioned elbows. "Alright, alright, you can brutalize me later, Hel. Let's try to beat the evening rush, shall we?"

Harry had never encountered a household quite like the Grangers. Sure, he had been raised in a muggle household, but the Dursleys were about as far from a healthy and functional family as one could get. His only other experiences had been with wizards, namely the Weasleys and the Lovegoods, and even by wizarding standards those families weren't exactly typical. One could call his relationship with Sirius familial, but illegal visits in shacks and caves just didn't have the same feeling as a home visit.

In contrast, the Grangers were startlingly normal. They seemed to actually like each other, and they spent time together without major arguments or explosions. They planned family activities, but also didn't seem to mind taking alone time. In a word, it was so normal it was bizarre.

At first, Harry wasn't sure how he would fit into the Grangers' almost idyllic dynamic, but they were just so damn nice that by the fourth day he was basically a card carrying member of the Granger genus.

They would get up and have breakfast together around 9, then be ready for the day by 10. Then they'd go on some sort of excursion during the day, eat a home-made meal, and play card games to simply idle away their evenings.

Dan and Helen had taken time off work for their daughter's visit, so they had plenty of time for the daytime excursions. The group went shopping on the first day, and Harry got some sorely needed new clothes. He had been growing at an increased rate since he had bonded with the egg, and that along with the initial boost in height meant that his trousers were on their last leg (pun intended). The next day, they had gone sightseeing in London. The Grangers lived on the coast, so it wasn't terribly far. In spite of growing up in Surrey, Harry had never actually explored greater London. On day three, he and Hermione had gone to some of her favorite museums from childhood. Hermione had wanted her parents to stay home that day, and that evening the two teenagers endured more than their fair share of teasing for it.

The family spent a quiet evening in on New Year's Eve, wanting to avoid the crowds. Dan and Helen had gone to bed around 11, claiming that they were 'too old to stay up until midnight every year,' but Harry suspected they actually just wanted an excuse to tease Hermione about whether she had gotten a New Year's kiss the next day.

"Your parents are great." Harry mused between bites of popcorn, "Even though your dad won't let me win at Whist."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Just wait until he teaches you Euchre. Mum and I have kept him at bay so far, but his whole side of the family is obsessed."

"What's Euchre?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry. I have been a Granger my entire life, and I'm still not entirely sure what Euchre actually is."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

The two settled back into a comfortable silence, content to watch the timer on the telly slowly tick toward midnight. Harry couldn't help but be reminded of that fateful night when Hagrid broke in. He chuckled, remembering Vernon's face when he saw the gentle giant for the first time.

"Hmm?" Hermione asked, "What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking about the first time I met Hagrid. You know he broke down the door the second the clock struck midnight on my 11th birthday?"

"He broke down your door?" Hermione turned to look at him. "Why on earth…?"

Harry snickered, "It was the door of a shack, actually. My aunt and uncle were so determined to keep me from getting my Hogwarts letter, they spent a week burning the letters and running away. They were so desperate, they eventually brought us to this rickety little shack on an island off the coast. Uncle Vernon was so smug, thinking no one of 'that sort' could find us, and then Hagrid showed up in the middle of the night, forced his way in, and told him what was what." Harry was shaking with laughter at Hermione's horrified expression. "Oh, it gets better. He gave Dudley a pig's tail, and," Harry was losing it at Hermione's expressions, "and we literally marooned the Dursleys on the island the next day by taking the only boat with us back to shore."

Hermione tried to look stern, but Harry's laughter was contagious, "Oh my God, Harry, that is horrid." She was shaking with mirth, "Does your cousin-" She gasped, "does he still have a tail?"

Harry lost it again at that. "No, he had to get it surgically removed!" That set Hermione off again.

Harry couldn't believe he had never shared this particular story with her. Her laughter made him glad, however. Her eyes were shining and she was holding her stomach as she tried to catch her breath, "I just… I'm imagining them making that appointment, and trying to explain how a tail that wasn't there at his last checkup just sort of, well, sprouted, and—" She wheezed.

"TEN! NINE!" Harry and Hermione both jumped as the crowd on the television started the final countdown toward the new year. Harry was suddenly nervous; Dan and Helen had been just teasing them when they'd gone to bed earlier, but Harry had never been alone with a girl on New Year's Eve before. He and Hermione were friends, so he wasn't supposed to kiss her, was he? Or was he supposed to because it was a tradition? Would she be mad if he did? Would she be insulted if he didn't? Or did she expect him to—

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The crowd on the tv yelled, and a soft pair of slightly chapped lips gently pressed against Harry's cheek.

"Happy New Year, Harry." Hermione murmured as she pulled back. Her cheeks were a bit flushed as she glanced at him with bashful eyes.

That answered his question. "Happy New Year, 'Mione." Harry said softly, quickly pecking her cheek in return before he could lose his nerve. She startled slightly, apparently not expecting that, but gave him a small smile. The air between them felt warm.

"Oh my goodness, that was adorable!" The cheery voice of Helen Granger rang out behind them at the base of the stairs. "Dan, did you get that on camera?"

"MOM!"

Hermione was quite certain that she would never live this one down.

Flashback to Boxing Day, the Hogwarts Express

"I still can't believe Creevey managed to get this recorded." Fred said, looking at the omniprism in his hands.

"D'you reckon he got the whole thing?" Lee tilted his head. "Those things have pretty limited space."

"Well, only one way to find out!" George decided, "Gred, would you care to do the honors?"

"Of course, my slightly-less-handsome twin."

"I'll ignore that because I'm the bigger man." George sniffed as Fred activated the omniprism. The magical device projected its recording onto the door of the train compartment, and a moment later the audio started.

~~~~~~~~ Begin Omniprism Recording~~~~~~~~

Professor McGonagall was sitting at her usual table in the Three Broomsticks. Septima had drawn the short straw and was staking out Madam Puddifoot's for the day, but Filius's absence was a mystery to the Scottish professor.

Minerva was just about to settle her tab early and go off in search of her wayward colleague when he burst in the door. He stopped by the bar, and quickly made his way over to their table with a large bottle of fire whiskey and two large glasses. "I'm terribly sorry, Minerva!" The diminutive professor squeaked, wringing out his hands. "I can't apologize enough."

"No need to apologize, Filius, it's quite alright. You're just a few minutes late." Minerva was surprised at her colleague's reaction. His tardiness, while unusual, really wasn't a severe enough offense to warrant that level of remorse. Also, they typically avoided the stronger stuff during Hogsmeade trips, so she was quite puzzled by the whiskey.

"Actually, that's not what I was apologizing for." As if on cue, the doors of the pub burst open and the entirety of the Hogwarts Frog Choir filed into the already crowded room. "Again, I am so sorry." The Charms professor said morosely.

Lee Jordan blew into a pitch pipe, and it was in that moment that Minerva knew. She sighed, poured herself a glass of whiskey, and resigned herself to her fate. It seemed she was about to be subjected to one of the worst fates that could befall a witch: a choir concert.

"Ooooooh" The choir harmonized in the background as two soloists stepped forward. A Hufflepuff started beatboxing. It was terrible.

"Many years ago, a beautiful witch attended Hogwarts." One of the soloists spoke-sang dramatically. A house elf wearing a very familiar tartan print suddenly popped into the room, using the bar as a stage.

(Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts) The choir chanted behind them, fanning out using jazz squares and jazz hands.

"She impacted the nation (nation, nation), with her hot transfiguration (ation, ation)." The second soloist continued. As she spoke, a gnome appeared on the bar next to the house elf, wearing an orange bag that said 'Hot Cheetos' on its head in place of a wig. The gnome and the house elf began twirling.

Merlin's herpes-ridden left nut. This wasn't just an a choir performance; this was a new-age, a cappella, slam poetry, mini-musical with show choir choreography.

This was hell.

Minerva downed her glass and poured herself another.

The monstrosity went on for another 20 minutes. There was a rap break, an audience participation segment, and an interpretive dance number from the house elf and the gnome as the Frog Choir told the life story of a character named Athena McHere-agall and her long awaited, super sexy, much younger true love, Hottie McHotface.

It was during the gnome and elf flash mob finale that things really went to shit. The Athena house elf tripped and caught himself by grabbing the McHotface gnome by the 'wig.' Unfortunately, it seemed that the Hot Cheetos bag had not been properly cleaned out, as the gnome got an orange powdery substance into its eyes and proceeded to scream bloody murder. This caused the other gnomes, who had appeared at the beginning of the flash mob, to take up arms against the house elves. A brawl broke out and the students had to be evacuated from the premises.

When the fighting finally calmed down, Minerva turned to her colleague. "Would you like to assign the detentions, or shall I?"

Filius wrung out his hands once more. "…We can't." He said in a small voice.

Minerva's eye twitched, "What do you mean, we can't?"

"Well, you see, this wasn't actually arranged by Messrs Weasley…" Filius shrunk under Minerva's gaze. "Someone else booked the choir, the elves, and the gnomes. We were provided the script after signing the contract, otherwise I never would have given the green light! He said it was to promote the tournament!"

"Who on earth was behind this?"

"…Ludo Bagman."

"…What?"

~~~~~~~~ End Omniprism Recording~~~~~~~~

Fred and George's compartment sat in silence for a few seconds after the recording died out.

"So… think this was worth forgiving the money Bagman owed us?" George looked at Fred.

Fred pretended to wipe away a tear. "One hundred percent."

"...I can't believe she still agreed to dance with you after that." Angelina said in disbelief.

"Oh Ang," Fred said dreamily, "My Minnie is nothing if not a woman of her word.

A/N: Surprise.

So... I was bored. Then I found this on my old computer... then I reread it... then I read a bunch of its reviews... then I thought 'what if I just started on the next chapter, no pressure, and whatever happens happens?' ...and then I had written 3300 words. In all seriousness, I really didn't expect to ever come back to this. But I do have ideas; I have no idea if I have the discipline to make this happen, but I have ideas and I have free time, so we'll see. There are probably some more updates coming in the near future. Also, I know the Frog Choir thing is RIDICULOUS, but the rest of the chapter felt too serious, so this cracky manic flashback was born as a result. Please let me know if it was too much, or if it works with the vibe of the story.

Regarding where we're going: I think it's time we visit a dragon reserve in the next chapter, and we're going to focus on some relationship development between Luna and Hermione. Also, Ron's arc needs some attention, so we'll see-who's actually been cursing Ron? Is it who everyone expects? Or is it someone out of left field? Oh! I'm also super excited for the 2nd task; when I was rereading it suddenly hit me and now I know exactly what's going to happen :) but please tell me your ideas-sometimes I incorporate concepts from reviews into the story.

Side note: I also have a bunch of ideas for Hermione Throatslasher. I think this fic will be the priority, but I really love goblins so that might change ;)

Cheers!