A Big Piece of Garbage
A large ball of space garbage causes problems...
Plot
Planet Express Board Room and dining room. Oscar, Leela, Bender and Fry are at the table. Oscar is typing up this very episode.
"So this adventure is called A Big Piece of Gargage." said Oscar.
"I think you're a big piece of crap." He threw his voice to pretend his French frog plushie Jacques Pierre Antoine said that to him.
"Ay!" Oscar yelled at his plushie.
The Professor came in with an announcement.
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet." said Farnsworth. Oh god!
Oscar was in hysterics. He fell off his chair laughing.
"Professor..." Leela frowned.
Oscar was still in fits of laughter.
"Why can't they go today?" Hermes asked.
Bender glared at Hermes.
"Yeah why not?! I wanna die from one of the freaky viruses they have there..." said Oscar.
Fry winced at him.
"Now Oscar, I know you are eager to go on this mission..." said Farnsworth.
Hermes wanted his query answered. He cleared his throat.
"Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors' annual symposium." said the Professor.
"Wow! I love symposia." said Fry.
"Well I love Ambrosia." said Oscar drinking Ambrosia brand custard.
Bender lunges at him and strangles him.
Leela face palmed, because Oscar's smart Aleck responses were exasperating.
"It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the Academy prize." said Farnsworth.
"Sounds extremely boring..." said Bender. If robots could yawn, he would be yawning right now.
"Oh, my, yes. But not this year, because my latest invention is unbeatable. Behold! The death clock." Farnsworh places a black box shaped device on the table.
"Oooooooooh!" Everyone is fascinated.
"I like DethKlok from Metalocalylse..." said Oscar.
"Shut up meatbag!" Bender yelled.
"Simply jam your finger in the hole and this read-out tells you exactly how long you have left to live." said Farnsworth explaining how the clock worked.
"I like to jam my fingers in a few holes..." Oscar was now being a pervert...
Leela frowned at him.
"Can I please kill Oscar..." Bender sighed.
"Does this Death Clock really work, Professor?" Leela asked.
"Well it's occasionally off by a few seconds. What with free will and all." said Farnsworth.
"Sounds like fun. How long do I have left to live?" Fry tries out the device. He puts his finger in it.
The device beeps and a time of death is read out.
"Dibs on Fry's CD player!" Bender cheered. Basically the punchline is that the clock predicted Fry was gonna die very, very soon...
...
We cut to the opening titles.
The title gag is, "Mr. Bender's Wardrobe By Robotany 500."
The classic cartoon gag on the screen that the ship crashes into is Elmer Fudd in Corny Concerto.
...
Evening, Outside a large university building. Next to it is a tiny house lit up with a party going on inside. The Symposium is taking part in the tiny house instead of the huge university...
At a party full of scientists, some drinking out of test tubes... The white lab coat wearing boffins chat. Bender is there wearing a top hat.
"Oh my, oh yes." Farnsworh was in a profound and dignified scientific discussion.
"The last time I went to one of these Simpsonian-" said Oscar.
"Symposium." said Farnsworth.
"Yeah one of those. was a thousand years ago when my friend Hugo dragged me to one to see Professor Frink unveil one of his inventions." said Oscar.
"I say old bean, some more liquor in my vessel, chop, chop!" said Bender wearing a top hat and a monocle.
A human servant was topping everyone up.
Fry was gawking at paintings of the scientists that decorated the place.
"Who's the gross nerd?" Fry asked. He pointed to picture of the professor when he was much younger.
"That's me at the very first symposium. I'm the Academy's oldest living member, you know. These youngsters all look up to me." said the professor.
"Yeah about that old timer... can you please not take out your dentures when we are a party..." Oscar sighed as Farnsworth took out his teeth and polished them.
"Oh and do paintings move and talk in the future?" Oscar asked.
"No, they do not..." said Farnsworth.
"Well, well, well. Look who decided to show his wrinkled face." said a smug old man who obviously dislikes Professor Farnsworth.
"Why don't you just leave me alone, Wernstrom?" said Farnsworth agitated.
"Face it, Farnsworth, you're over the hill. It's time to leave science to the 120-year-olds." said Wernstrom who presumably is some sort of bully.
"You young Turks think you know everything. I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile." Farnsworth retorts, his glasses fog up with rage.
Wernstrom laughs, taunting him.
"Go home before you embarrass yourself, old man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap before the ceremonies." said Wernstrom.
Farnsworth seethes. "Grrrrr!"
"I'll handle this Professor." said Oscar. He turns to Wernstrom. "Your Momma so fat! Her waist size is equator!"
Wernstrom squealed in a girlish manner and ran off sobbing.
"How did..." Farnsworh asked.
"You old people have a lot to learn..." said Oscar grinning.
...
They head to the ceremony where the nerds show off their inventions.
"Who's that jerk?" Fry asked about Wernstrom.
"A hundred years ago he was my most promising student at Mars University. But then, after one fateful pop-quiz..." said Farnsworth. We cut to a hundred years ago at a university on Mars.
Farnsworth grades Wernstrom's work. He gives him an A minus.
"A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom an A-minus!" Wernstrom ranted.
"I'm sorry but penmanship counts." said Farnsworth.
"I swear I'll have my revenge even if it takes me a hundred years." Wernstrom swears his revenge...
"You haven't seen the last of Ogden Wernstrom!"
The flashback ended.
"And here it is: Slightly over 99 years later and still no revenge. I'm essentially in the clear." said Farnsworth.
In a hall with round dining tables. Everyone sits down to watch the show.
Bender orders wine from the wine list.
"I've been perusing your fortified wine list and I've selected the '71 Hobo's Delight, the '57 Chateau Parté and the '66 Thunder Chevitz." said Bender.
"Excellent choice sir." said the maitre D.
"And mix them all together and serve in one big jug." said Bender.
The maitre D sighed.
The host a head in the jar spoke. He in vented Mr Microphone, whoever that is.
A microphone in a stand waved at everyone.
He also invented the spray on toupee.
"At last!" said Jay Sherman's head in a jar. "Now if only i had a new body..."
Popeil also invented the means to keep heads alive in jars.
"Which was already discovered by Princess Mombi from Return to Oz..." said Oscar.
Fry winced exasperated at him.
Anyway various scientists are invited on stage to show their weird inventions ie such as Self-eating watermelons...
Wernstrom was up.
"Boooooo!" Farnsworth jeered.
"Feh!" said Wernstrom.
He showcased a reverse scuba suit that allows pet fish to walk on land!
Farnsworth scoffed.
"He's a jerk Professor but you have to admit that is useful. Now I can take Abraham, my pet melanistic goldfish for a walk!" said Oscar.
Farnsworth sulked.
...
Wernstrom was still showing off his invention. He got the fish wearing the reverse scuba diving suit to fetch a stick. Then he ordered it to sit. The fish would not sit.
"I said sit! Bad fish!" he smacked the fish with a rolled up newspaper.
Everyone clapped.
Oscar winced.
Another scientist came up with something weird. The boffin clears his throat to speak.
"More wine!" Bender yelled.
Leela hushed him.
Back stage someone else had beef with Wernstrom.
"Hey your reverse scuba gear is a thousand years too late rip off of my stilts for whales and laser ocular implants!" said Larry a whale man hybrid.
Wernstrom sighed. "Come along Cinnamon." He walked his fish...
"And my whales on stilts idea would have been a success! If it weren't for them meddling kids!" Larry yelled.
Front stage. The boffin finished showing off his invention.
Other nerds clapped.
"Don't worry Professor. Your Death Clock will rock." said Fry encouraging Farnsworth.
Wernstrom arrived to mock Farnsworth again.
"And what will you be presenting this evening, grandpa?" said Wernstrom with a goldfish in a reverse scuba suit on a leash.
"Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place!" Farnsworh ranted.
"And keep off his lawn! Damn kids..." Oscar was mocking old people by talking in a wheezing old man mumbling tone.
Farnsworth frowned at Oscar.
"Let's just hope it's not as lame as that death clock you presented last year." said Wernstrom.
"Last year?" Fry asked.
"Oh confound it..." Farnsworh sighed.
Wernstrom laughed.
"Your Momma so ugly! That when she looked out the window, she was arrested for mooning!" Oscar taunted Wernstrom.
Wernstrom ran away sobbing again.
"I'm surprised that works so well on him... even I find Yo Momma jokes lame..." said Oscar.
...
The evening events continued. Along with numerous Simpson references...
"And what do you have to show tonight, Johnson..." Wernstrom berated another boffin.
"Come along Cinnamon..." Wernstrom soon was finished driving nerds to tears and went off with his walking fish.
However Marge Simpson was there, dressed up nicely for a fancy dinner. Ie in her church or court clothes with plenty of make up.
She gasped when she heard the name Cinnamon. It held a special place in her heart. She started whimpering and tears caused her eyeliner to run. "Oh... (sobbing) Cinnamon! It should have been me who chewed through that extension cord!"
"Yeah we kinda cross reference each other..." said Bender.
Farnsworth quickly came up with a Smell-o-scope...
"Pencils down.. Prune-face..." said Wernstrom. As it was considered bad form or unprofessional to be doing things at the last minute, Like Oscar does with his homework...
Suddenly...
"Hi-diddly ho! Prune-face!" said Young Ned Flanders as a boy.
"Oh jeepers! He's in that phase again..." said Oscar.
"Take that Prune-face! Now I'm Dick Tracy!" Young Ned beats everyone up.
"Oh my!" said a boffin being beaten up.
"What is going on?" Farnsworh.
"Don't ask..." said Fry.
"Dr Smith you're up next..." said Popeil.
"Oh the pain! The pain of it all!" said Dr Smith.
Oscar chuckled.
Later on that evening. Bender was still drinking. Well Robots don't get drunk, and they need fuel.
A scientist resembling Larry Fine from The Three Stooges was showing off a cartoon helicopter beanie hat that also allowed the wearer to fly by turning the crank.
Everyone clapped.
"Ace really needs one of those..." said Oscar thinking about his vampire friend's helicopter beanie hat.
Soon Farnsworth was up. With his new invention, the Smell-o-scope.
"Now Telescopes allow us to see very far away objects. But what if we want to smell very far away objects?" said Farnsworth.
"Then you should have thought about being born as a dog..." a boffin heckled.
Everyone laughed.
Farnsworth groaned.
Plot 2
At Planet Express the next day.
Professor Farnsworth was still humiliated from last night.
"Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a scientist." said Farnsworth.
"Yep." said Bender drinking a beer.
"No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up." said Fry.
"You're just saying that Fry because we're family..." said Farnsworth.
"Well..."
"But you're right. I will invent that Smell-o-scope." said Farnsworth.
He went off to invent...
"Oh and you four are supposed to be on a suicidal mission to Ebola 9, the virus planet! Chop chop!" said Professor Farnsworth.
Oscar laughed. "Hehehehe... virus planet..."
Leela sighed.
Fry, Bender, Leela and Oscar were on the Planet Express ship.
"Engines full?" Leela asked.
"Check." said Fry.
"Oscar is in battle position, Ie in the left gun pod." asked Leela.
"Locked and loaded." said Oscar.
"Seat belts on. And lift off." The ship took off into outta space.
They did nothing much. Oh and Bender burnt their dinner.
Fry groaned staring at his burnt food.
"And? This may well be your last meal meatbags! Why are we going to a planet you three will certainly die on?"
"Because the Professor is senile..." Leela sighed annoyed at being sent on stupidly deadly missions.
Oscar chuckled as he has a death wish or something...
Fry sighed as he poked at his burnt dinner.
The ship passed a small moon where Mooch Bart in his horrible Hawaiian shirt was having a party inside a dome with alien ladies and R2D2. Bart's moon party in outer space! Doo doo doo doo...
Bart was grooving and wondering why no one was eating the hor d'oeuvres.
...
In space...
"Are we there yet..." Fry whined.
"No..." Leela sighed.
"Are we there yet?"
"No Fry..."
Eventually they saw an orange planet.
"Are we-"
"Yes Fry, this is Ebola 9." said Leela.
Oscar chuckled.
"Now let's see if this ship has some Hazmat suits." said Leela.
Oscar pouted.
"Oz I want to come back from this mission alive..." said Leela.
Oscar huffed and sighed annoyed.
"Well I want to contract Smallpox!"
Leela sighed.
"Hemorrhagic fever..." Oscar grinned.
Fry winced at him.
"Encephalitis..."
"Kid seriously..." Bender sighed.
"Herpes..." Oscar was still going on about viral diseases..."
"OZ ENOUGH!" They all yelled at Oscar.
Oscar pouted.
"I am starving..." said Fry as he put on his Hazmat suit.
"I made dinner..." said Bender pointing to the horribly burnt food.
Fry sighed.
Oscar still wanted to go onto the virus planet without a Hazmat so he could pick up some horrible illness...
"Oz for the last time no! If you go out there and get infected, we are leaving you there!" said Leela.
Oscar pouted.
...
Back at Planet Express base after the mission to Ebola 9. Because apparently it wasn't amusing enough to be a B story...
Anyway everyone got back home alive and uninfected.
"I picked up some herpes from Ebola 9..." Oscar whispered to the fourth wall.
"Eureka!" said the Professor from the attic.
Everyone heads to the attic to see why he is so joyful.
"Did you build the Smellescope?" Fry asked.
"No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter." said Farnsworth pointing to a large device.
Fry whistled. "So uh how does it work?"
"Well I thought you would see how! You see, we look into a telescope with our eyes so to use a smell-o scope..." said the Professor.
"You rest your nose with the two probe sensors up your nostrils got it..." said said Fry.
"I'll just clean any boogers off the sensors." said Farnsworth polishing the two pointy sensors that go up your nose when using the Smell-o-scope.
Oscar cracked up laughing.
Leela sighed.
"Now the device is already pointed at Jupiter. Take a whiff..." said the Professor.
Fry rested his nose on the sensors, with them stuck up his nose. He sniffed and sensed something. "Smells like strawberries."
"Ah, note to self. Send the crew to pick up strawberries from Jupiter." said the Professor.
Leela sighed, they had just got back from a mission.
"Try Saturn!" The Professor adjusted the device to point elsewhere.
Fry sniffed. "Smells like pine tree needles."
"How odd..." said Farnsworth.
"Well as long as you don't get me to smell Uranus." Fry chuckles.
Oscar laughed in hysterics.
"I don't get it..." said Farnsworth.
"Well you see..." said Fry ruining the joke.
"Fry, Scientists in 2060 AD renamed that planet, to stop those idiotic jokes." said Farnsworth.
"Spoilsports..." Oscar pouted.
"Now what's it called?" Fry asked.
"Urectum." said Farnsworth.
"That's still funny..." Oscar chuckled.
...
"I can point the device at Urectum for you Fry." said Farnsworth.
"I think I can find it...":Fry sniffed and moved the device about thinking he could predict what Urectum smelt like.
Suddenly he recoils from the device and retches and heaves.
"What is it Fry?" Farnsworh asked.
Fry gags and chokes in disgust.
"I dare say Fry may have discovered a horrible new smell. Why the Funk-o-meter is reading off the charts!" said Farnsworth.
Oscar started singing Funky Town.
Bender sighed annoyed.
Farnsworth cleaned the Smell-o-scope sensors of Fry's boogers and sniffed what ever he smelt. "Oh my! That's awful! And I've been choked out of the conference room by the combined odours of Oscar's and Nibbler's diapers on many occasions..."
"Nibbler's worse..." Oscar pointed to Nibbler.
Leela sighed. "Your diapers stink far more..."
"According to these readings, the object is moving."
"An asteroid?" Leela asked.
"Hold on... Oh god!" said Farnsworth.
"What?" Fry asked.
"This object is heading right towards Earth! If it crashes into us millions will die!" said Farnsworth.
Fry screamed in horror.
We cut to commercials. Ie Little Caesars.
We return to the episode. Everyone is now in the conference room.
"Oh my, oh my this is terrible..." said Farnsworth.
"Professor?" Leela asked.
"Well you see, the stinky object Fry found is a large ball of garbage." said Farnsworth.
"Why is there garbage in outer space..." Oscar winced baffled.
"Well up until the twenty sixth century, Humans were a particularly lazy and slobbish species." said Farnsworth.
Fry finished off a can of Slurm and tossed it carelessly across the room.
Leela frowned.
"This video I found on the internet should answer some questions." said Farnsworth.
The video was an informercial PSA thing. Hosted by Rudy Giuliani.
"I am Giuliani... you will obey me! I am Giuliani... You will obey me! I am Giuliani..." Homer chanted holding up a picture of Rudy.
The crew all glare at him.
...
Anyway the video...
Oscar was reading a Space Boy comic.
"Oscar this is important. This is about your century." said Leela.
Oscar frowned and put his comic away.
Bender was looting. He stole a stereo.
"Give a hoot! Don't loot!" said Woodsy Owl.
Hermes shot Woodsy with a laser rifle because owls are vermin in the 31st century.
Basically as stated by the professor, humans back in Fry's time were disgusting, lazy pigs and created a lot of litter. Eventually they had to send garbage overseas. When that didn't work They sent the garbage into space on a rocket.
A garbage ball was stuffed on the nose of a rocket and launched into space.
The video ended...
"Wow... You got all that from the internet? I thought the internet was just for downloading porn..." said Fry.
Oscar laughed.
Leela made a disgusted gasp.
"Well that is still true." said Farnsworth.
There was a sex scene on the video with a male scientist doing it with a lady.
Oscar got very aroused...
"Take them off!" Fry cheered.
Leela sighed and switched off the video.
"Hey!" Fry whined.
"Fry, how could your people be so reckless!?" Leela lectured him.
"What about your people..." Fry frowned.
"31st people don't litter, we recycle everything." said Leela.
Lisa Simpson's head in a jar sighed delighted by such green policies.
"Silence! Democrat!" Oscar snapped.
"Yeah, geesh... Fry everything is recycled." said Amy. "Robots like Bender are made of old beer cans."
"Beer cans are made from old robots." said Bender.
"Sandwiches are made from recycled sandwiches." said Leela.
Oscar winced baffled.
...
They went to warn the mayor.
"Mayor Poopenmeyer, A crazy old mad man an his handlers are here to see you." said the receptionist.
The mayor sighed and allowed them in.
"Mayor Poopenmeyer..." said Farnsworth.
Oscar laughed hysterically. "Poopenmeyer..."
"Yes?" asked the mayor.
Farnsworth tried to explain but Oscar kept laughing in hysterics at the mayor's surname.
"Hehehehe... Poopenmeyer..." Oscar chuckled.
"Oh my! This is awful! A giant ball of garbage you say?" asked the mayor.
"Oh yes." said the Professor.
"Not this phoney baloney thing like Global Warming or second hand smoke..." said Poopenmeyer.
"Global Warming is real..." Lisa Simpson as a head in a jar said sharply.
Poopenmeyer did not want to argue his point any further.
Poopenmeyer gives the Professor permission to blow up the garbage ball.
Suddenly Wernstrom arrives.
"Wernstrom!" Farnsworh seethed.
"Well look what the cat dragged in..." Oscar said coldly.
Plot 3
"Farnsworth... submitting another used napkin..." Wernstrom taunted.
"Your Momma..." Oscar started. Wernstrom shrieked.
"No I am here to warn the mayor about a giant, stinky ball of garbage is about to head straight for us!" said Farnsworth.
"Garbage ball?" Wernstrom scoffed as he did not believe Farnsworth.
"Smell on the Smell-o-scope Poopenmeyer." said Farnsworth having brought the device with him.
The mayor smelt a horrible smell. "Oh geez! Jiminy Crickets that's awful!"
"And it his heading straight for us." said Farnsworth.
Wernstrom smelt the stench. "That could be anything... a faulty stench oil, some cheese on the lens... a dirty diaper..."
Oscar winced. "I'll have you know I've recently changed my diaper..."
Hank's head in a jar seethed.
"Mr Mayor, We have a transmission from Neptune."
Neptune aliens gasp and wheeze and retch and hurl. "Awful... stench... just passed..."
"My god! The senile old man is right!" the mayor gasped.
"Him or me?" Wernstrom asked.
"Him!" Poopenmeyer pointed to Farnsworth.
Wernstrom sulked.
"Oh yeah! Go Professor Farnsworth! Woo!" Oscar taunted Wernstrom.
"Yes my wonderful crew but we mustn't dilly dally! There's a crisis afoot!" said Farnsworth smiling, glad karma was burning Wernstrom for once.
"Feh! This makes me angry! Very, very angry indeed!" said Wernstrom. He soooooo sounds just like Marvin the Martian...
Oscar chuckled.
In town, Everyone is watching the news.
New New York News.
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" said Morbo dramatically. He was a green alien that resembled the aliens from Mars Attacks!
Oscar winced.
"Uh the news Morbo..." Linda sighed.
"Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic city of New New York." said Morbo.
"Makes me glad we're live from Los Angeles!" Linda giggled.
"Yes quite so Linda." said Morbo.
...
The Planet Express crew, the mayor, Wernstrom and a military guy are at a hologram of the garbage ball.
"Yeah, that's yer garbage ball..." said the military colonel guy.
"Can't you just fire a missile at it and blow it up?" Leela asked.
"No we ran a simulation and the garbage ball is too gooey." The military guy explained. On the hologram the missile went straight through the slimy garbage ball.
"Yeah the same thing happens if you try to shoot cartoon slime monsters like Sid with a shotgun..." said Oscar.
There is a green cartoon slime monster with a big, bulbous nose and a quiff of slime for a hairdo. Oscar blasts a gaping hole in him with a blast from a shotgun. The slime simply merges himself back into shape.
"See?" said Oscar.
"However... if a crew goes up there and plants a bomb in the fissure between the coffee grounds and the pile of floppy disks. in theory the garbage ball will blow up, saving us all!" said Farnsworth.
"In theory this could work!" said the Military guy.
"Uh, in theory, perhaps. But you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous." said Wernstrom scoffing.
Farnsworth looks over at Fry, Leela, Bender and Oscar. He smiles.
"Oh crap..." said Bender.
They um suit up in astronaut costumes at get ready for their mission.
"To blow up some garbage." said Oscar grinning.
"Caused by your wasteful century." Leela muttered.
Fry sighed and grumbled.
"This bites..." Bender sighed.
"Name one thing the Twentieth century gave us Fry..." Leela sighed.
"Um the lightbulb..., Cotton gin..." said Fry.
"Fry those are from the Nineteenth..." said Leela.
Fry sulked.
"Name something the Twentieth century gave us..." Leela repeated to him slowly.
"Easy! Bakelite plastic." said Oscar. "Look it up..."
"Feh..." Fry scoffed.
...
They are heading to the garbage ball.
"Stench rating at Magnitude 7." said Leela.
The ship shakes.
"Magnitude 12."
It shakes even more violently.
"Magnitude 18!"
"She can't take any more Cap'n!" Oscar yelled doing a Scotty voice.
"Okay turn on the anti-stench shield." said Leela.
A shield formed round the ship. It landed on the garbage ball.
They arrive on the garbage ball.
"Ugh... so wasteful. Look at all this crap..." Leela sighed.
"It's not crap... Look! A beanie baby!" said Fry.
"That's clearly a Tigger plush..." said Oscar.
"A Spock dinner plate!" said Fry.
"Star Trek is illegal on Earth now..." said Leela.
"Look! Bart Simpson dolls!" said Fry.
There was a pile of Bart Simpson dolls.
Bart's head in a jar winced.
Bender picked up a doll.
"Eat my shorts!" said the Bart doll.
"Okay!" Bender took the doll's shorts off from the doll and ate the shorts. "Mmmmmm! Shorts..."
Bart gave him a seriously freaked out and alarmed look.
"Thank god I won't live to see that!" Bart was creeped out.
"But you are alive, well as a head..." said Oscar to the head in a jar.
The garbage ball had life forms... Cartoonish furry creatures with huge fluffy hairdos like the tops of the Truffula trees, antennas and big, round, red, shiny, wet noses arrived.
"They're from a cartoon I like." said Oscar.
Leela sighed.
...