Chapter 2 What Happened After: Raph

Mikey's cries for help nearly break me, but I gotta keep it together. Tears stream from his closed eyes as he relives the horror of having his arm slashed apart by Donnie's canines. In seconds, I'm on my feet leaning over him with my hands on either side of his face.

"Hey, little brother. You're okay, you're safe. I got you." I talk as softly as I can, so I don't spook him. I grin when I see a slit of blue as his eyes peep open.

"R-raph?" he hiccups through sobs.

"Yeah, buddy. I'm right here."

"It hurts." He squirms, his face etched with pain I wish I could take from him.

"I know, Mike, but we can't give ya any more painkillers right now."

"Raph, please… please… I can't take…please, it hurts!" His voice cracks as he begs me to stop the pain.

I blindly reach for the cup of herbal tea on the table behind me while trying to keep Mikey calm. Master Splinter said to give him this if he wakes before the night's over. "Drink this." I lift his body to a sitting position the best I can, trying not to disturb his wounded right arm. He gasps in pain at the sudden jarring of his body. "Sorry, sorry," I murmur as I press the cup to his lips. He must have smelt the tea because with the little strength he has he turns away. I don't blame him. I've been on the receiving in of Splinter's tea more times than I can count; the stuff tastes like dirt. "I know, buddy, but you gotta drink it. Stop fighting me, bro."

The game of 'avoid the tea' is over pretty quickly as Mikey starts to give in to exhaustion. I'm able to get three decent swallows in him before his eyes start to droop. With a gentleness that feels foreign to me I ease my little brother back down onto the cot.

The calm I'm struggling to maintain crumbles again when I turn around to find Leo gone. Anger doesn't even begin to describe the lava-like heat coursing through my veins and rushing to my face. I make a move to go after my idiot older brother only to be reminded of my current responsibility as the needle in my arm pinches a nerve. With a heavy sigh, I reclaim my post beside Mikey and watch him drift into what I hope is a more peaceful sleep.

I sit uncomfortably with my thoughts as I replay today in my head. I don't envy Leo being the leader. I experienced firsthand the decisions a leader has to make. I'm still angry at myself for how terrified I was as I hid in that dumpster with Leo unconscious and Casey ready to move on my mark. If things had been different, I would've fought those stinkin' agents, sais of fury blazing and taking no prisoners, but this time I didn't. I should've fought them off and saved Donnie, but I didn't. I could feel this weakness inside, keeping me glued to the bottom of that dumpster when I should've been fighting for Donnie's life. Coward…. I was a yellowbellied cow—

"Raphael. Where is Leonardo?"

At the sound of Splinter's voice, I jerk my head toward the door. There's a beat of silence as I hesitate.

"Raphael…"

"He went topside…. to look for Donnie." Master Splinter gives me a stern look that stabs deeper than my sais. "I-I tried to tell him to wait, but Mikey woke up and he was hurtin' bad, and when I looked up Leo was gone; I'm sorry, Master Splinter, I should've-" I plead my case until Splinter silences me with the rise of his palm.

"Raphael. I apologize if my expression seemed accusatory. It is merely misplaced frustration and concern for Leonardo. He should not be so foolish to attempt such a dangerous mission alone at a time like this."

"He wouldn't have to if I hadn't messed up."

His silence makes me drop my head in shame. I knew it. Splinter thinks I screwed up too. My vision blurs but the heat of my anger thrumming across my face sucks up any tears before they threaten to fall. Splinter lifts my chin with his finger. His touch isn't forceful, but I still feel compelled to look him in the eyes. Despite my embarrassment, I can't seem to turn away from his gaze.

"Raphael, my fiery son." There's no shame in his tone. There's a little sadness and something else I don't have a name for, but no shame. Only after his hand leaves my face to rub my head am I able to return my gaze to the floor. Splinter looks over to Mikey before taking my arm into his hands. He gathers a few items from the table and starts removing the needle from my arm as he continues talking. "Every flame has its time and place. Sometimes a flame is needed to set a forest ablaze; other times merely a flicker is needed to light a candle. Yesterday you showed true leadership by discerning the difference."

Master Splinter always calls me his 'fire child' but it never felt like a good thing, until now. He places a small gauze and band-aid over Mikey's arm and then mine as he continues, "You had a choice to fight recklessly at the risk of putting both Leonardo and Casey in danger and losing Michelangelo. Yet you were able to choose the lesser of the two evils, which is what any honorable leader would do. Your strength lies not in brute force but in your restraint, my son."

Was that pride in his voice? Why was it so hard for me to notice it before?

Restraint…. was that what I felt in the dumpster? Is that what kept Leo and Casey alive and brought me home in time to save Mikey?

"There were many things that happened yesterday that could not be helped, and the things that could be helped should be used to guide us forward, not hold us back. Raphael, do not carry blame that is not yours to keep."

Splinter always has a way of digging out my darkest thoughts with just a few words. I nod my understanding, not trusting my voice to keep its grit without wavering.

I finally clear my throat before asking, "Do you want me to go—"

"I want you to rest. I will talk to Leonardo when he returns."

He doesn't leave room to argue so I don't. "Hai, Sensei." I nod before leaving him at Mikey's side.

I look across the dimly lit Lair and see that April is still sitting at the kitchen table, her head dipping forward. The light of her laptop illuminates her sleeping face. Casey had a family emergency and left hours ago. I check my t-phone. My last text was asking if everything was okay. No answer from him yet.

I glance at the turnstiles at the entrance, hoping Leo's solo recon was worth the lecture he's bound to get from Splinter.

Thanks for reading!

~Poetique