Reflecting Light, Part 2

by katiebug5

Mairead O'Keefe made it through her final year at Hogwarts and is now a fully-qualified witch. But when the unthinkable happens, and an evil that has haunted Mairead all her life rises again, she will find herself thrust back into a war she believed had already been won - and back into the life of the man she has never been able to forget. COMPLETE

34. Only You

Author's Note: Aaaand we're back! Many thanks to Wikked (once on Part 1 and once on Part 2!), and GraceMonroe for your reviews!

Thank you all for your patience while I took some time off for the holiday. There will probably be another break towards the end of this month, but I'm not sure what that will look like yet. In the meantime, I hope this chapter makes up for the long wait!

And, just as a side note, can I just share that the cloud service I store this whole story on had some server issues this week and for a couple of days it was looking like I was going to lose SIXTY PAGES of Part 3? I had so much anxiety I couldn't even think about this story at all until it was fixed. Just had to share that with all of you. Anyway, on with the next chapter!

---

Chapter Thirty-Four: Only You

Remus was awoken by the sound of screaming.

He was out of his bed before he was even fully awake, reaching for his wand and flying down the corridor towards the staircase. On the fourth landing he met Sirius, who had also been awoken by the screaming. Behind Sirius, Remus could hear Arthur and Molly starting up the stairs, following by the clunking of Mad-Eye's wooden leg.

"How could someone have gotten to her?" Sirius shouted at Remus.

"I don't know!" Remus's heart was in his throat. He and Sirius hurtled down the fifth floor corridor towards the sound of the screaming. He had no idea how the Death Eaters could have found Grimmauld Place, much less gotten inside; all he knew was that he had never heard Mairead scream like this before. He and Sirius burst through the door to Mairead's bedroom, wands aloft and ready to fight off however many were inside. Sirius lit the tip of his wand and swept it in a semicircle around the room and Remus threw himself inside, but he stopped short at the sight before him.

Mairead was alone in the room. She was in bed, asleep - if something so violent could be considered sleep. She was thrashing about, limbs tangled in her bedclothes, shrieking and kicking at invisible assailants. Her face was contorted in terror, but her eyes were closed.

Remus exchanged a grim look with Sirius.

"Is it safe to wake her?" Molly asked breathlessly from behind the two of them.

Remus shook his head. "It's not safe to let her stay asleep," he said, handing his wand to Sirius and striding purposefully towards Mairead. Remus perched delicately on the edge of Mairead's bed and carefully took her by the shoulders.

Remus ducked just in time. Mairead's fist shot forward and almost broke his nose.

"NO!" Mairead wailed, twisting and thrashing in Remus's grasp, fighting him with everything she had. She was surprisingly strong, but Remus was far stronger, and he carefully pinioned her arms to her sides, trying not to hurt her. "NO! LET ME GO!" she shrieked. "GET OFF ME!"

"Mairead, wake up," Remus said loudly.

"NO!" she screamed again, struggling against Remus's hands.

"Mairead!" Remus shouted. "You're asleep. Wake up."

"NO - REMUS!"

Remus wasn't entirely sure what happened, but the next thing he knew, he felt a powerful blow to his side, Mairead was free, and he was on the ground, clutching his ribs. He pushed himself painfully to his feet, ready to go back to restraining Mairead, and saw that she had at last awoken.

Her eyes were wide and terrified, but when she saw him, she blinked in confusion. Taking advantage of her moment of uncertainty, Remus held up a hand and hastily said, "You're safe, Mairead. It was just a dream."

Mairead's eyes took in the room. Remus saw her look over at Sirius, still lighting the room with his wand, as well as Molly, Arthur, and Moody standing in the doorway. Arthur's arm was protectively encasing his wife. Finally, her gaze settled back on Remus. Her eyes flickered to where Remus was holding his side. "I'm sorry," she whispered. She looked down at her lap then, but before she did Remus saw her eyes fill with tears. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

Remus slowly lowered himself back onto the edge of her bed. "Are you all right?" he murmured, reaching for one of her hands.

"I - I must've forgotten to silence the room," Mairead said in a tiny voice. "I'm so sorry, Remus. Are you hurt?"

Remus twisted around, feeling a shooting pain in his side as he did, and looked at Sirius. He could tell that Padfoot had picked up on the same thing he had. Turning back to Mairead, he quietly asked, "Mairead, have you been having nightmares every night?"

"I'm so sorry," Mairead whimpered. Even in the low light, Remus could see her cheeks were burning with shame. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Remus smiled and forced his voice to be light when he said, "I don't even know how you got out of my arms."

"I kicked you," Mairead admitted, staring at her lap. "And I shoved you."

Remus shrugged nonchalantly and kept his voice light and teasing. "I'm sure I had it coming."

Mairead hiccoughed and clamped a hand over her mouth to stifle the sound. Remus sent another look over at Sirius.

"Let's go everyone," Sirius said, turning towards the door and herding the others out. "Remus has this under control." He shared a grim look with Remus before setting Remus's wand down on the bedside table and pulling the door closed behind him.

As soon as the door was closed, Remus pulled Mairead into his arms. She did not resist, but nor did she melt into him the way she used to. "Mairead, have you been having nightmares every night?" Remus repeated, stroking her hair and back gently.

Mairead shuddered. "I normally silence the room," she said thickly. "I guess I forgot to tonight."

Remus sighed and pulled away from her. "I'll go get you more of the Dreamless Sleep Potion," he said softly. "It's in your lab, right?"

Mairead shook her head. "I used it all."

Remus winced. "Can't you brew some more?" he asked.

Mairead sniffled and fiddled with her bedspread. "It's habit-forming," she said hoarsely. "It's not good to drink it night after night."

"But surely this is an excep-"

"No."

Remus thought for a moment. "What about the Draught of Peace?" he suggested.

"Same thing," said Mairead, wiping the tears off her cheeks. "It's the Sopophorous Bean. It's in both potions, just in different amounts. It's really good for soothing, calming, creating serenity, but it's really addictive. It's actually in the Draught of the Living Death, too. That shows you how powerful it is."

Remus looked at Mairead. Now that he was close to her, he could see the dark circles under her eyes, the glassy look in them. "So you've just been silencing your room every night so that no one can hear you scream?" he asked.

Mairead shrugged. "Well, there's no point in everyone losing sleep over this," she said simply.

Remus sighed again. "I'm so sorry, Mairead," he said.

"I'm sorry," she insisted. Her dark green eyes looked up at him and Remus felt his heart twinge painfully. "I woke you up in the dead of night and then I kicked you."

Remus cast about for something else that could help her. "How about some tea?" he said. "Some chamomile tea? I can go fix you a cup."

Mairead smiled wearily and shook her head. "I'm fine," she said. "Really. You should go back to sleep."

Remus felt his mouth tighten. He was still not quite sure where the lines were with Mairead, but he took a chance and pulled her back into his arms, embracing her tightly. "I won't let anything happen to you, Mairead," he whispered into her soft hair. "You're safe here. I'll protect you with my life."

He felt Mairead tense up under his hands. "Please," she choked. "Stop talking like that."

"Like what?"

"Like - like you plan to stand between my father and me."

"But I will stand between your father and you," Remus pointed out.

"No!" Mairead pulled away from him and gave him a distraught look. "You can't! Stop saying that! Promise me you won't!"

Remus smiled sadly and tenderly brushed her hair out of her face. "If I promised you that, it would be a lie, May," he murmured.

Mairead grabbed the front of his shirt with both hands and shook the material. "You have to!" she cried. "You have to promise me you won't fight him. Just let him have me. Don't - please don't fight him."

Remus placed his hands over Mairead's. "May," he began.

"This is what my nightmares are!" Mairead ducked her head and began to cry stormily into their joined hands. Remus watched her helplessly. "Please, Remus, please," she begged. "Please just let him have me."

"I can't do that, May," said Remus.

"Please!" she cried. "Please, Remus!"

"I'm sorry, but my answer is no."

"Why?!"

"Because -" Remus broke off abruptly, just managing to stop himself before he said something he had no right to say. Not anymore.

Because I love you.

Remus released her hands and wrapped his arms tightly around her again, rocking her soothingly back and forth. "Shh," he whispered into her hair. "He's not going to get anyone, all right? He's not going to get either one of us, May. I'm right here, and you're here, and we're together, and that's how it's going to stay. All right?"

Mairead buried her face in the crook of Remus's throat, but his words did seem to have a calming effect on her. Her tears resolved into sniffles and hiccoughs, and she very gradually relaxed in his arms. Remus ran his fingers up and down her back, and slowly felt the muscles under his hands begin to let go of their tension.

Mairead must have been truly exhausted, for, even sitting up as she was, it wasn't long before she fell asleep in Remus's arms. Remus waited until he felt sure she was in a deep sleep, and then lowered her onto her pillows with infinite care.

He pulled away and gazed at her face, taking in her pale skin, the freckles he adored, her hair, which he thought was absolutely perfect even when it was tangled as it was now, her lips, which were parted slightly in sleep. He recalled, when she was his, how he would sometimes wake in the night and kiss her as she slept. He never told her the way his lips would brush, feather-light, across her lips and her hair and her cheeks while she slept, never told her the things he whispered in her ear when he knew she could not hear him.

Remus would not allow himself to kiss her now. He had known then that she would not have minded if he kissed her while she slept. Now, he was certain she would never consent to it. He settled instead for lowering himself to the floor by the side of her bed - his rib protested sharply - taking her hand in his own, and, closing his eyes, letting his forehead rest against the backs of her fingers.

---

Mairead did her best to forget the late-night screaming incident. No one who had witnessed her nightmare had said a thing to her the next morning, for which she was grateful, but she could feel the increased scrutiny from Remus and Sirius.

Every time she was in the same room they were, she could feel their eyes on her, though every time she looked their way they were looking at something else. She supposed she couldn't blame them. Though she didn't know exactly what they had heard, if it was anything like what had been in her nightmares, it must have been disturbing, especially in the middle of the night.

Mairead had thought that her new weapon might help stem the tide of nightmares, but so far it had not had any effect on her dreams. Even holding it in her hands before going to sleep did not help. If anything, the weight of the gun only reinforced her certainty that she was still not skilled enough to use it.

Her lessons with Remus were also not doing anything to lessen her anxiety. Following her one successful meeting with him, Mairead's performance had progressively gotten worse and worse to the point that now, one week into lessons, Mairead felt as though she was starting over from scratch. Or worse than scratch, really, as Remus had identified a few bad habits she had picked up from her year at the Dueling Club and was now having to spend time working to reverse them.

Mairead now sat in the drawing room, staring at her knees and dreading Remus's arrival. She knew she had let him down, knew that he could see what a failure she was, how stupid and useless and most probably lazy and definitely ungrateful for all the time and effort he had put into coaching her the first time around, only to find that she had promptly discarded all that knowledge as if it had meant nothing to her. She had wasted his time then and she was wasting his time now. Nothing could save her and it was cruel of Dumbledore to make Remus responsible for keeping her alive, when it really wasn't his fault that she was a complete imbecilic loser who was truly beyond help, beyond coaching, doomed to -

"Good evening."

Remus's pleasant voice broke Mairead out of the shame spiral she'd been riding like a wave and she looked up. "Oh, hi," she said, forcing a smile onto her face.

"Ready to get started?" Remus asked, pushing the door closed and stripping off his jumper.

"Not quite," Mairead said, standing and reaching for the two goblets on the table in front of her. "First..."

"Ah, thanks very much, Mairead," said Remus, accepting the smoking goblet from her right hand. When he had drained the first goblet, he said, "While we're on the subject, how would you feel about pushing our meeting up next Wednesday? I'll need to leave early to get to Yorkshire."

"That's fine," said Mairead quickly. Then, glancing briefly at him, she gingerly suggested, "Or we could just skip it."

"Nonsense," said Remus briskly, after he had finished the glass of water. "I look forward to it." He smiled warmly at her, and Mairead felt like the worst person who had ever lived.

"Erm, okay, yeah," she said, taking the goblets from him and placing them on the mantelpiece, where hopefully they would be safe from the dozens of poorly aimed spells she was sure to fire off over the course of the hour. "If you feel up to it, that is."

"I'll feel up to it," said Remus, smiling confidently. "Well, shall we?"

Mairead tried to breathe through the knots in her stomach. "Yeah."

They dueled. Mairead lost after less than a minute.

They dueled again. Mairead lost even faster.

"Stance," Remus reminded her.

"Right. Sorry."

They dueled again. Remus had to wait while Mairead waved her wand hand in the air, sucking on the knuckles and cursing colorfully, having whacked it when she had backed herself into a corner and then flailed into one of the iron candelabras lining the walls.

They dueled again. And again. And again. Remus won handily every time. Mairead did her best not to let her discouragement show on her face, but anxiety was licking at her mind before they even reached the fifteen minute mark of their meeting. How exactly was she supposed to hold her own against her father - or any Death Eater, for that matter - if she couldn't even handle a Knockback Jinx sent by the gentlest man on the face of the planet?

They dueled again. They had only volleyed a few spells back and forth before Mairead missed an easy block and tumbled over backwards.

"Let's take a break," Remus suggested, walking over to help her up. Embarrassed, Mairead scrambled to her feet before Remus could help her, hoping he would take her flushed cheeks as a sign of exertion, not mortification for how poorly she was doing.

"You're doing well," Remus commented, offering her a glass of water.

Mairead accepted the glass of water with a word of thanks and busied herself with draining it.

Remus looked at her over the top of his own glass. "Anything on your mind?" he asked mildly.

"Nope," said Mairead shortly. It was bad enough Remus had to be the teacher of an unteachable mess of a human being; he didn't need to feel obligated to act as her therapist, as well. "Ready?"

Remus lowered his water glass and eyed her, one eyebrow raised. "You don't want a longer break?" he asked mildly.

Mairead shook her head. "I'm fine. Ready when you are."

Remus took his time finishing off his glass of water, then faced her across the room again. "Ready?" he asked, raising his wand.

Mairead nodded silently, watching his eyes, intent that she would last longer this time.

She only lasted three spells.

Jesus Christ, Mairead, stop faffing about and get your head together!

Mairead gave her head a little shake and pushed herself to her feet. Remus looked troubled, but continued. Mairead lost again. This time, she couldn't stop her frustration from showing on her face.

"Let's slow things down a bit," Remus suggested. "I think -"

"No."

Remus gave her a look of polite surprise, which Mairead thought was quite a measured response, given the fact that she had never once, in the entire time they had worked together at Hogwarts, talked back at his suggestions.

"I don't want to slow down," said Mairead, scarcely aware of the words that were coming out of her mouth. "In fact, I want to speed up."

Remus's brows came together. "Er -"

"You're holding back," said Mairead, putting a hand on her hip and regarding him impatiently. "I can tell. You should stop."

"Mairead," Remus said her name slowly, like she was an agitated beast he was trying to calm. "I don't think speeding up is the way to go."

Mairead squared her body against his. "You are holding back though," she said. "Aren't you?"

Remus's eyes flicked off to the side for a moment. "Yes," he admitted slowly. "But I think that's for the best right now. I don't think you're quite ready for -"

"Do you honestly think that a Death Eater is going to temper his actions the way you're doing?" Mairead shot back. "Do you think a Death Eater is going to ask me if I'm ready, or offer me a glass of water, or ask if I need to slow down?"

"Of course not," Remus said in a patient tone that only added oxygen to Mairead's fire. "But no one starts at a Death Eater's level. I think you're being too hard on yourself. You've only been dueling for two years now. The progress you've made in that time is truly remark-"

"That's not true," Mairead cut him off. "You know it's not true."

"It is true," Remus said. "And I think if you just -"

"No. I want to see what I'm up against."

Remus looked at her as though she were a maze he was trying to get out of. "Mairead," he said softly. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"I need to know what I'm up against," Mairead said, locking eyes with him. "I need you to show me."

They stared each other down from across the room until eventually Remus sighed. "Fine," he said softly, in a tone that sounded as though he was already apologizing. "But I'm not going to hurt you. I'll show you the speed and the tactics, but I will not agree to use any malevolent spells on you."

Mairead opened her mouth to argue, but she could sense that this was as good a deal as she was likely to get. "Fine."

Remus scratched his head. He looked like he was doing this against his better judgment. Which, Mairead supposed, he was.

"Get ready," he said shortly, turning his body.

Mairead didn't even have time to move. She was thrown backwards with such velocity she literally did not know what had hit her.

"On your feet," said Remus. Mairead began to get up, and Remus commanded, "Faster."

Mairead swung her feet underneath her and straightened just in time. She felt rather than saw the spell coming at her. She never saw Remus's wand move. Never saw his lips form an incantation. Instead, she was engulfed in the overpowering heat of whatever he had sent her way. Mairead's brain had only just articulated the need for her to raise her wand by the time Remus's spell hit her. She stumbled back to the ground.

"Get up," Remus ordered. Mairead looked up at him and saw an uncharacteristically hard look on his face. She immediately felt guilty for sending him wherever he had had to go in order to bring himself to attack her mercilessly like this.

She jumped to her feet, wand ready and poised by the time she had risen to her full height. Remus's eyes flicked in one direction, then another, then another. Mairead followed him as rapidly as she could, unsure where he would decide to lay the blow.

She yelped in surprise more than pain when she was hit in all three places at once. Remus's arm finally moved then. With one graceful sweep of his hand, Mairead was blown off her feet, and it was all she could do to keep her fingers around her wand. She landed on her back, the wind completely knocked out of her.

She lay there, stunned, until she heard Remus's voice barking, "Up!"

It took her a couple of tries to get the strength into her arms to push herself up. Remus was watching her, a cold, calculating look in his eyes that looked completely out of place on him. Mairead was surprised that Remus waited until she raised her wand. She was even more surprised that she successfully blocked his next spell, and the next one. She was just beginning to feel that this was just what she had needed when something shifted in the air. Mairead locked eyes with Remus, and she suddenly realized what was happening.

Remus was toying with her.

The next thing she knew, a series of deafening cracks, like a bundle of firecrackers going off, rent the air. Remus's wand let off a volley of rapid-fire spells, which hit her over and over - on the shoulder, in the knees, in her stomach, in her face, and, worst of all, right on her wand arm.

Mairead felt her fingers let go of her wand. As soon as Remus saw her wand begin to fall he moved his arm in another swoop. This time, Mairead was blown halfway across the room. She barely had the presence of mind to protect her head before she crashed down into the stone fireplace. As it was, Mairead still saw stars and was knocked nearly senseless by the droves of spells that were still raining down on her.

The shower of spells stopped. Mairead looked out from between her arms, which she had thrown up protectively around her face, and saw Remus standing silently over her, both wands pointed straight at her.

"Had enough?" he asked. He wasn't even out of breath.

A shudder went through Mairead. She nodded meekly. Remus deftly flipped her wand over in his hand, offering it back to her. Mairead slowly unfolded herself from her position, feeling her muscles and bones protest at the beating she had just taken. She couldn't bring herself to meet Remus's eyes when she reached out and took her wand back. "I - can we - I think I need another break," she stammered.

Remus nodded. "Take all the time you need," he said softly, returning to his mild, gentle mannerisms.

Mairead needed to brace her hand on the stonework of the fireplace to pull herself to her feet. Remus stepped forward, looking concerned, but she waved him off and staggered over to the nearest window, pushing it open. She leaned heavily on the sill, gulping down the icy January air. She could feel Remus's eyes on her back, but he did not speak, for which she was grateful. She didn't know how she could ever face him again.

She was a total failure. A complete and utter lost cause. What she had merely suspected at the beginning of this meeting was now absolutely confirmed in her eyes. She didn't stand a chance against her father. All of this suddenly felt like a cruel joke to her. Why would Dumbledore even suggest it? Was he trying to keep her calm, for some reason? To keep her from running by imbuing her with false hope? And if that was the case, how on earth had he convinced Remus to go along with it? What did Remus stand to gain from her continued presence around Grimmauld Place?

Irresistibly, her eyes darted over to the mantel, where the two goblets she had brought in with her still sat.

There's no way Remus would agree to deceive you like this just to have free access to the Wolfsbane Potion, she thought, and she knew at once that it was true. But just as quickly, the horrible voice in her head stepped in to fill the void. More likely he just feels bad for you. He knows you're useless and he just wants you to feel you did everything you could.

Mairead closed her eyes, wanting to shut out the thoughts, but now that they had started, they would not stop.

Come on - he's the one who taught you back at Hogwarts. He's known for years you'd be a goner up against a Death Eater. Even if you're too stupid to figure it out, he certainly isn't. He's known all along. He just pities you because of how pathetic you are.

Mairead felt dizzy as this thought struck home with her. It felt real. It felt accurate.

You're just wasting his time. You're wasting Remus's time and you're wasting the Order's resources.

Mairead tilted her head against the side of the window. It was all true. She was nothing better than a parasite, draining resources that were needed elsewhere. All she was doing was living, rent-free, at the Order headquarters, taking up the time and energy of one of the most valuable members of the Order - hell, she couldn't even hold down a job. Everyone here would be better off without her. Really, her father would be performing a service to the Order if he got rid of her.

Why don't you just leave? It's not like anybody wants you here.

Mairead closed her eyes and could feel the wetness that had gathered on her lashes. She really should just leave, but then, she wouldn't last two seconds outside the Order's protection.

Then what's the point? What is the point of your existence?

Mairead brought her hands up and ground the heels of her palms into her closed eyes. It was true. It was all true. Her life had no meaning. There was no point to her. She could die tomorrow and by the day after it would be like she had never even existed.

She had mostly made up her mind to slip off later that night when another voice sounded in her ear.

You don't honestly believe any of that is true, do you, Mairead? The sound of Sister Mary Margaret's voice rang as clearly in Mairead's ear as if its owner were standing right beside her. Mairead, you know what's happening right now. It's happened before.

Mairead blinked, and it dawned on her that she was spiraling. This had used to be a common occurrence up until about five years ago, when Sister Mary Margaret had stepped in and helped Mairead get her anxiety under control. Mairead released a breath and inhaled a lungful of new air. Her anxiety hadn't gotten its claws into her quite like this in years, but she knew what to do. Sister Mary Margaret had identified Mairead's tendency to catastrophize and had given her tools to combat it.

Mairead closed her eyes and took three long, slow, deep breaths, exhaling as much air out of her lungs as she could. She fluttered her eyes open.

I can feel the sun on my face, she thought. I can smell the smoke from the fireplace. I can see the rooftops of London. I can hear the traffic down on the street. I am currently safe.

Mentally, Mairead checked in on her usual coping mechanisms to keep her anxiety under control. Sister Mary Margaret had been the one to point out how calm Mairead became when she was outside in nature. At the moment, though, Mairead could not recall the last time she had spent any meaningful amount of time outside. She had also, she realized, cut herself off from most of her friends out of fear for their safety. And while she had been spending more time with Remus, she had to admit that they had certainly not been enjoying the easy, comfortable companionship they used to.

Mairead closed her eyes again and reached a hand back to massage the muscles on the back of her neck, carefully rolling her head around and sighing through the pops this elicited. She made a deal with herself. If she spent thirty minutes outside in her garden, she could spend five of those minutes worrying as much as she wanted to.

When she opened her eyes she felt far calmer. The nasty little voice was still there, but it was no longer quite so loud, no longer had a stranglehold on her mind. She was back in the driver's seat of her thoughts. Giving her head a little shake, she turned around and found Remus, watching her silently from across the room, a serious look on his face.

"Mairead, if you'd like to stop there for the evening, I would completely understand," he said. "I think what we did just now was a bad idea, and I'm very sorry that I agreed to it."

Mairead smiled, and was relieved to find that it was mostly genuine, if quite sheepish. "Yeah, that wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had in my life," she admitted with a shrug. "But I'm fine to keep going if you are."

Remus looked taken aback by the abrupt shift in her mood. "I'm fine to keep going," he said slowly, watching her carefully. "I just don't want you to be discouraged by what just happened."

Mairead nodded in agreement. "I was discouraged," she confirmed. "But I'm not going to get any better just standing here, am I?"

Remus stared at her as though he had never fully seen her before. After a few moments he chuckled softly. "You really are one of the most remarkable people I have ever met, Mairead."

Mairead felt her cheeks growing warm at the praise. "That's not true," she mumbled, looking away from him.

Remus laughed and let out a groan. "You Irish with your diffidence," he chided her softly.

Mairead fought down the urge to grin like a lovestruck fool. Instead, she rolled her eyes and said, "You English with your hyperbole."

Remus's lips tugged upwards into a smile. "I'm not English; I'm Welsh," he reminded her.

"Yeah, whatever."

---

Things began to look up after that. At the end of that evening, Remus suggested that they start meeting more frequently. Now that Mairead was no longer going to the Combat Arts Academy, only one evening of her week was spoken for by the Muggle library. Upon hearing this, Remus asked if she would be willing to meet every evening she did not work. Despite her earlier misgivings that she was wasting his time, Mairead found herself agreeing, if only so that she could spend more time in his company.

Not that being in his presence was without its challenges. The more time Mairead spent with Remus, the more she was reminded of all the reasons she had fallen for him in the first place. It was almost surreal, the way things had come full circle back to their original state between them. He was once again her teacher. She was once again his student. And she was once again caught up in fantasies of him while simultaneously doing everything in her power to keep him from noticing how smitten with him she was. As the days went on and they saw each other more and more frequently, the stiffness that had existed between them wore away until they were back to sharing the effortless camaraderie they used to. In a way, it felt almost fated, the way they were constantly being thrown together, and the way that being together inevitably became the state that felt most natural to Mairead.

She thought about Remus constantly. She never wanted to be parted from him. He still kept his distance during the day, and Mairead found herself aching for night to fall so that she could once again be in his company. And, while Mairead was still plagued nightly by her nightmares, she now also had to contend with other dreams - dreams in which the eye contact she had shared with Remus in the evening turned longing, until longing turned to hunger, hunger turned to heat, and heat turned to -

Mairead would awaken, sweaty and breathless and throbbing with need. The first night this had happened, Mairead had simply slipped a hand between her legs and seen to things herself. But then when she had met with Remus the next evening, all she had been able to think about were the thoughts that had gone through her mind - the ways he used to touch her; her memories of the way he had said her name; the things he had whispered in her ear, both sweet and sinful; the way he had felt, moving on top of her - and within her. She had been convinced Remus would be able to read her thoughts and had been overcome with embarrassment.

After that, whenever she awoke from one of those dreams, Mairead kept her hands resolutely pinned to her sides.

It certainly did not help matters that, as the full moon approached, Remus became more daring in his interactions with Mairead. Remus had explained to her back when they were seeing one another that his inhibitions lowered as the full moon approached. He had likened it to being tipsy, but without the impairments that went along with drinking. As a result, a few of their interactions had been charged with what, to Mairead, felt distinctly like flirtation.

But as the full moon drew closer, Mairead was forced to admit to herself that, even if Remus was flirting with her, she might not be the only one. The Saturday before the full moon, Mairead walked into the kitchen a few minutes before the Order meeting to find Remus deep in conversation with Fleur.

In French.

Mairead did not speak a word of French, and so she hadn't a clue as to what they were speaking about. But whatever the topic was, they were both smiling easily, and at one point Fleur threw her lovely head of hair back and laughed heartily, placing a hand on Remus's forearm as she did.

Mairead twitched her mouth unhappily and took a seat as far away from the two of them as possible. She tried to tell herself that Remus might not have been flirting with Fleur - indeed, it seemed highly uncharacteristic of Remus to flirt publicly with anyone, let alone the girlfriend of another member of the Order. Still, Mairead would have felt a lot better had she had a French-to-English dictionary, so that she could look up the 'fiançailles secrètes' they kept talking about.

Whatever that meant.

Mairead didn't think it was possible to feel worse about herself than when considering her prospects versus those of a quarter Veela who could speak a whole language Mairead could not even form a single sentence in, but an even bigger blow to her self-esteem occurred the next morning. Mairead walked into the kitchen for breakfast as Remus was leaving, and he asked if she would be interested in meeting in the morning instead of the evening. After a hasty meal, Mairead walked into the drawing room to find that, not only had Remus beaten her there, but he was not alone.

"Wotcher, Mairead!" Tonks said, grinning happily at the sight of her.

"Er, hi," said Mairead with a dorky, awkward wave. She looked questioningly at Remus, who smiled.

"I've been thinking," he began, "and I wanted to see how you would feel about starting to duel other members of the Order, in addition to myself."

"Remus thought it would be a good idea for you to get a feel for other people's dueling styles," Tonks piped up, looking enviably fit in her Weird Sisters t-shirt that showed off her slender but muscular arms and unbearably cool in her combination of cargo trousers and combat boots.

"Tonks heard me talking to Sirius about it and was kind enough to volunteer to help out," Remus added. He and Tonks shared a smile and Mairead wanted to return her wand to Ollivanders and begin a new life as a born-again Muggle. Preferably in Switzerland. "What do you think?" he asked.

What Mairead thought was that there was no possible way she could back out right in front of Tonks. What Mairead thought was that, if Remus truly respected her as a partner in this, he would have run his idea by her before making an entire freaking curriculum with someone else. What Mairead thought was that she would rather face off against The Dark Lord himself than have to have her arse handed to her by Tonks right in front of Remus.

What Mairead thought, however, had nothing whatever to do with what Mairead felt free to say. So she forced a smile onto her face and said, "Yeah, sure. Sounds good."

"Great!" Tonks said, tripping slightly over her feet as she headed for the center of the room. "Need a minute to warm up or anything?"

Mairead shook her head. Best to get this over with as quickly as possible.

It was fairly awful.

Mairead didn't want to be dramatic or anything, but she was pretty sure that it was the most humiliating experience that had ever happened to anyone in the history of the human race.

She was clobbered so thoroughly and so early on that Remus had to ask Tonks to slow down. Not that it helped much. Tonks's manner started off triumphant upon beating Mairead, but quickly transitioned into chipper and helpful. She would call out tips to Mairead, and Mairead did her best to smile and appear grateful, even though half of Tonks's suggestions weren't even options for her, which caused her to be further humiliated by how frequently Remus had to step in to explain the parameters of her disability to Tonks. Mairead wasn't sure what was worse: the way Tonks's demeanor gradually slid into a mixture of pity and guilt, or the unreadable expression on Remus's face at the spectator's view he had of watching Mairead's uselessness.

Mairead was holding back tears by the time Remus called for a break, and she prayed that he could not tell. She hoped the break would be a chance for her to rein in her emotions, but unfortunately Tonks took the opportunity to redouble her efforts to coach Mairead. For her part, Mairead felt she deserved an Order of Merlin, Second - if not First - Class, for how well she felt she did smiling genuinely and listening thoughtfully to Tonks's helpful hints - or at least appearing to.

But by far the worst moment in the morning was still to come. Mairead was handily trounced by Tonks in their second round of bouting, eventually resulting in Mairead turning her ankle and needing to sit down while her muscles and tendons shrieked at her. Tonks knelt down and helped herself to rolling up the leg of Mairead's jeans and examining the ankle.

"Ah, yeah, I've done that a thousand times, myself," she said briskly. "Just rest it for a few minutes, and it should feel better."

"Thanks," Mairead said with her best imitation of a sweet smile.

In one small mercy, Tonks did not seem to notice that Mairead was barely holding herself together and smiled brightly at her. "Hey!" she cried, whirling around and looking at Remus. "While she's resting, d'you wanna go a few rounds?"

Remus's mouth opened in surprise. "Er, I'm not sure..." His eyes flicked over to Mairead, and Mairead was suddenly positive that Remus knew she was not holding up quite as well as she was pretending to.

Tonks misinterpreted Remus's conflicted expression. "Honestly, Remus, I think Mairead's down for the count for today. She'd really better keep her weight off that ankle." She checked her watch. "We've still got fifteen minutes." She took a step closer and swung slightly from side to side, giving Remus a beguiling smile. "Please? I've heard you're amazing."

Remus tore his eyes away from Mairead - Mairead let out a relieved breath - and considered Tonks. He sighed. "Oh, all right," he agreed, smiling at her jubilant expression.

Remus and Tonks faced each other across the room. Mairead scrunched down in the chair, wanting to make herself as small as possible while she watched them jealously.

She had only faced Remus at his full power the once, and she had to admit she was more than a bit awed by the duel that ensued. By Mairead's estimation, Tonks was not as good as Remus, but she was still incredibly skilled. Mairead could barely even follow the movements of their wands. It almost appeared as though they were dancing. And in every move Tonks made, Mairead saw seduction.

Remus had never been remotely taxed by the dueling he did with Mairead, but Tonks was giving him a run for his money. What she lacked in experience, she made up for in dogged persistence. She pursued Remus tirelessly, wand slashing here and there. Her movements were grand and bold, and more than once she nearly got the better of Remus. Mairead could see more than ever the family resemblance Tonks shared with Sirius. She was brave, audacious, and good-looking.

Like Jo, her traitorous brain supplied helpfully.

Before long, the two were laughing as they struggled to maintain the upper hand. Tonks made a wide slashing motion that Remus had to dodge, and when he looked at Tonks in surprise, she winked cheekily at him.

"Fine, if that's the way you want it," Remus said, grinning wolfishly at her.

Mairead had never lasted this long against Remus, and that was even when taking into consideration how easy on her he normally went. But where Tonks was dramatic and swashbuckling, Remus was swift and clever. He kept his movements small and precise, and peppered Tonks with easier, less taxing spells. It dawned on Mairead what he was doing: while Tonks had initially led with an impressive display of energy, he was slowly and patiently wearing her out.

As Tonks grew tired, she grew clumsier. Finally, after they had been dueling nonstop for nearly ten straight minutes, Remus flicked his wand in a careless gesture Mairead recognized well and Tonks went down.

Tonks threw her head back and roared with laughter as if losing were the funniest thing that had ever happened to her. Remus grinned in a way that struck Mairead as almost bashful and walked over to Tonks, offering her a hand up. Tonks took Remus's hand, but rather than use it to stand, she gave his arm a mighty yank and he stumbled down to the ground next to her. He had to maneuver quickly to avoid landing straight on top of Tonks, which only served to redouble Tonks's laughter. Remus looked over at Tonks from his undignified position on the ground and started to chuckle himself.

"That... was the best... fucking duel... I've had... in ages!" Tonks gasped, her chest heaving up and down.

Remus's eyes were shining from the excitement of the duel, and he laughed breathlessly. "Ta, Tonks," he said.

For some reason, Tonks seemed to find this hilarious and continued laughing, leaning over and nudging Remus in the arm with her shoulder. "Merlin!" she exclaimed, still grinning broadly. "Sirius told me you were good, but holy fuck, Remus!"

Remus chuckled and looked away modestly.

Mairead wished she could be anywhere in the world but here. She wished she were invisible. She wished she didn't exist.

As it was, she may as well have been invisible, because both Remus and Tonks seemed to have forgotten there was someone else in the room. Which was just as well as far as Mairead was concerned. She sat awkwardly in her chair, fiddling with the seam of one of her sleeves. She had absolutely no idea what to do. She wanted to leave, but she couldn't get to the door without their seeing her. At the same time, Tonks was giving Remus what Sophie had always described in other girls as 'some very serious fuck-me eyes,' and Mairead most assuredly did not want to be around if they started to snog. She also didn't want to be around anyone if the tenuous hold she had on her emotions abandoned her.

She was saved from having to make an awkward decision by a knock on the door. Molly Weasley poked her head into the room.

"Tonks?" she asked, then gave a soft, "Oh!" of surprise at finding her quarry sitting on the ground next to Remus, both flushed and breathing heavily. "Erm, I'm sorry to interrupt..."

"You're not interrupting," Remus said quickly, pushing himself to his feet. Mairead glanced at Tonks and saw that the Auror seemed to beg to differ.

Mrs. Weasley's eyes went from Remus, to Tonks, over to Mairead sitting alone on the other side of the room, and back to Tonks. "Alastor is about to leave and he would like to talk to you before he goes, Tonks," she said.

Seeing her opening, Mairead pushed herself to her feet and half walked, half skipped out of the room, trying to keep her weight off her ankle.

"Oh, okay, thanks, Molly!" Tonks said, hopping to her feet like she hadn't just endured ten minutes of high-intensity dueling. "Thanks for the duel, Remus. Take care of that foot, Mairead."

Mairead managed to force one more smile onto her face as she hastily turned and looked at Tonks over her shoulder. "Thanks. Thanks so much for your help, Tonks. Thanks, Remus."

Remus opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to ask her to stay. She squeezed herself between Mrs. Weasley and the door as politely as she could and slipped out of the room.

Hobbling as fast as she could, Mairead made it all the way up to the rooftop garden before she began to cry.

---

Mairead steered clear of Remus for the rest of the day. She mercifully was scheduled to work at the Muggle library on Monday, and thus managed to avoid him the next day, as well. She made herself scarce around Grimmauld Place on Tuesday, opting instead to spend the day at Sturgis Podmore's empty flat, looking after his plants and dusting off the hard surfaces.

But by Tuesday evening she had run out of excuses not to see him, and reluctantly trudged down to the drawing room for their next lesson.

I swear to God if Tonks is in here again...

But Tonks was not there. Neither was Remus, but that much was not unusual.

I guess Tonks is the only person he bothers showing up on time for, she thought sourly to herself.

She waited five, then ten minutes for Remus to arrive. If the circumstances had been any different, Mairead would have left at the fifteen minute mark. As it was, she knew that if Remus didn't show up here, she would have to go looking for him to give him his next dose of Wolfsbane Potion. Mairead was just wondering darkly whether he was off having a quickie with Tonks when he hurried in, already apologizing.

"I'm sorry, I lost track of time," he said, closing the door behind him.

Mairead shrugged, trying to look carefree and knowing she wasn't pulling it off. "No problem. Here."

Remus looked at the Wolfsbane Potion in her extended hand but did not take it. "I owe you an apology, Mairead," he said, watching her seriously. "I got the sense that our session on Sunday was not overly helpful to you."

Mairead shook her head. "No, it was fine," she said, her tone ringing so obviously false she could not meet Remus's eye.

Remus's mouth tightened with regret. "I'd like to explain, if I may," he said.

Mairead was in absolutely no mood to hear him explain the nature of his developing relationship with Tonks, so she stepped forward and virtually shoved the goblet into his hands. "No explanation necessary," she said, still not looking at him.

Remus accepted the goblet but did not drink. "You see, Tonks overheard me talking to Sirius, and she volunteered to duel you," he said. "I should have run it by you first. It wasn't right of me to spring it on you."

"It's fine," Mairead repeated shortly. "You should drink that before it gets cold. If it stops steaming it stops working."

Remus looked at her for a long moment, silently assessing her. Mairead tried to meet his eye, but found she had to look away almost immediately. In the end she heard him sigh quietly before raising the goblet to his mouth.

If Mairead thought she was tense going into the evening, it was nothing compared to how she felt by the end of it. Remus watched her intently as they began, but Mairead couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't an element of heat behind his stare. Her feelings of discomfort only grew as the evening wore on and Remus began to tease her. Despite the unmistakable unease still lingering in the air between them, the sense that he was subtly flirting with her was back. His corrections and suggestions were still on point and very helpful, and Mairead walked away feeling certain she had benefited just as much from his tutelage as she always had, but there was something else, humming just beneath the surface. Something that made her feel as though she would receive an electric shock if he were to touch her.

Mairead lay awake long into the night after they disbanded for the evening. She stared at the ceiling, perseverating over what could possibly be going on. Remus had always been a tease, even when they were at Hogwarts. But he had always kept things professional, even during the weeks when, by Mairead's retrospective calculation, the moon had been nearing its peak fullness. And she could count on one hand the number of times he had touched her at Hogwarts; each instance was burned into her memory from having repeatedly relived it in her imagination.

Now, however, the teasing felt relentless. What was more, it felt designed specifically for the purpose of driving her to distraction. But compounding it all was the fact that Remus was so skillful about it, so subtle, that Mairead could not put her finger on any one thing he said or did that made her feel so strongly that he was flirting with her.

By their meeting the next day, Mairead was half-convinced she was going mad. Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe she was imagining things because she regretted passing up her chance to be with Remus again, or because she was jealous of his rapport with Tonks. Could she really make a definitive argument that Remus's gaze stayed on her longer than was normal? And if he touched her now and hadn't done so at school, what of it? It stood to reason that Remus had found other ways of instructing his students at school without taking the risks that came with a teacher laying hands on his students. And besides, it wasn't as though Remus was touching her anywhere inappropriate, or even unnecessarily. It was just a quick correction of her grip on her wand here, a fingertip alighting lightly on her elbow or shoulder there. And if his touch lingered after she had made the correction? Honestly, who was to say?

It made sense, really, that Remus was touching her more now than he had done in previous lessons. After all, one of the worst habits Mairead had developed in the year since they had worked together was blurring the line between her dueling stance and her self-defense stance. And in the two weeks they had been meeting, her stance had been her single most frequently corrected attribute.

It frustrated Mairead to no end that she kept defaulting to the stance she had learned in martial arts. It was so very different from the stance Remus had taught her. In dueling, the goal was to maintain as low a profile as possible. Mairead knew perfectly well that she was supposed to stand up straight, to position her body at a ninety degree angle to her opponent, to point her front foot at her opponent and her back foot in the direction of the rest of her body, and to keep her wand arm straight.

In Muggle self-defense, however, the goal was to blade the body, and face an opponent from a forty-five degree angle, with both arms bent and protecting the face, knees bent, and the front foot at a forty-five degree angle to her opponent. The positioning of the back foot was the only similarity between the two stances, and by now, it felt like the only part of her body Remus had not yet corrected.

"Stance," Remus called out for what must have been the dozenth time that evening. Mairead mumbled an apology and corrected her form. She felt doubly bad, not only for being so bad at remembering the note, but also for taking up Remus's last, precious hour before he had to go to Yorkshire to transform.

They only dueled for a few more minutes before Remus had to repeat the admonishment.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Mairead called, looking down at herself and fixing the alignment of her feet.

When he called it out again after scarcely two more minutes, Mairead snarled in frustration. "Fuckity fucking fuck!" she complained, stomping a foot childishly.

Remus arched a brow. "Don't make me come over there," he warned, a teasing, crooked smile on his face. His voice was low and sexy and made a frisson of excitement run down Mairead's spine.

Was he flirting, or was he just insanely attractive?

See, this is exactly my problem, she fumed internally.

Mairead gave her head a firm shake, determined not to break her stance, and they continued. She lasted a good few minutes this time before letting out a startled cry when one of Remus's spells hit her back hand.

"I shouldn't have been able to get you there," he reminded her.

"Mmm-hmph," she acknowledged, her voice muffled as she sucked on the knuckles of her back hand.

They dueled again. This time, the spells flowed seamlessly back and forth between them. Mairead had at last slipped into the flow she had been searching for all evening. She felt a thrill wash over her when she executed a flawless parry riposte on one of Remus's spells. She felt herself relax into the duel, and her relaxation allowed her to take in more of what was going on. She maintained an awareness of her surroundings, was able to plan out her counter-attacks even as she was disarming Remus's spells, and was even able to predict some of Remus's moves and countermoves ahead of time. She could feel her heart racing, her breath filling her lungs and bringing in strength.

And then a quick riposte from Remus hit her squarely in the chest. Which shouldn't have even been an exposed target to him.

Mairead flailed both arms, tripping backwards and trying to keep her feet underneath herself. She was so preoccupied with not falling right on her backside that she didn't notice Remus was coming towards her until he was right beside her.

"Stance," he said shortly. He wrapped his fingers around Mairead's wand hand and pulled it forward. "Keep this arm straight," he corrected her as he stepped behind her. Mairead's mouth fell open in surprise when she felt his hand on her belly, and she gasped when Remus pulled her backwards until her back was pressed against his front. "Fix your shoulders, please," his voice was a low growl in her ear that made her shiver, but she did as she was told. She tightened her abdominal muscles before he could tell her to. "Good girl," he praised her.

The sharp sting of indignation brought Mairead some clarity of mind. "Don't call me a 'good girl,'" she admonished him, shooting a reproachful look over her shoulder.

A teasing smile was playing around Remus's mouth. "My apologies," he said. His eyes were burning into hers. She could feel heat beginning to blossom where his hands touched her, spreading and coursing through her body, pooling and beginning to thrum in a very inconvenient location. Mairead swallowed thickly and looked away. She tried not to squirm. She tried not to let her arousal show on her face. But she had the sneaking suspicion nevertheless that Remus knew exactly the effect he was having on her. Just when she felt she must either break away from him or burst into flames, he murmured, "Spread your legs for me."

Mairead inhaled sharply and turned her head in his direction. "What?!" she said breathlessly.

"Spread your legs wider," he repeated. "You keep stumbling because you're off-balance. If you widen your stance you'll lower your center of gravity and have more stability."

"Oh," Mairead breathed, and did as he said. "Like that?" she asked, shooting another glance over her shoulder.

"Perfect," Remus purred.

Was it just her, or was there a wicked glint in his eye? A mischievous twitch in his lips? Had he intended for her to pick up on the double meaning? Was this whole thing an attempt to drive her mad with need? Or was it all in her head?

Mairead had nearly convinced herself she had imagined it all when Remus's eyes darted down to her lips. Mairead didn't dare move. Remus's eyes snapped back to hers, and she could practically see the wolf prowling within him, so close to the surface. He had never let her see it before. Never let her be this near to him this close to the full moon, not like this. He had stayed as far away from her as possible in the lead-up to the one full moon they had been together for. She had seen him the day after the full moon on plenty of occasions, but those experiences had done nothing to prepare her for the intensity that was Remus the night of the full moon. There was a wildness to him now, a sense that he was barely restraining himself. The amber flecks in his eyes were definitely more pronounced.

Before she could stop herself, Mairead's tongue flashed out to moisten her lips. Remus followed the movement. His hand was still on her stomach; he must be able to feel her heart pounding. His eyes met hers again, and it was all she could do not to whimper.

Then, so subtly Mairead almost didn't see it at first, Remus began to lean in. He kept his gaze locked on Mairead as with unbearable slowness, he closed the distance between them. Mairead's breath was coming in shaky gasps now. She put her hand over Remus's, trying to keep some semblance of control over the situation.

When Remus's lips were a breath away from hers, he stopped. "Do you think you'll be able to remember this now?" he whispered.

With that, he abruptly pulled away and headed for the opposite side of the room. Mairead gaped at his retreating form. When he turned back to face her, she saw that he wasn't even attempting to hide the smug glint in his eyes.

"You gobshite," Mairead snarled.

Remus's eyes lit up and he started to laugh. He was still laughing when Mairead raised her wand and began attacking. He just barely managed to block her spell. Mairead relentlessly continued her attack, anger and frustration driving her into a frenzy.

She let her fury drive her spellcasting. How dare he?! her brain was shouting. He knew exactly what he was doing - knew exactly how it was affecting her! He let her think it was all in her head.

Remus managed to look nonchalant even as he dodged her spells. He flicked his wand in a quick counterattack and Mairead flew through the air and crashed into an armchair.

"All right?" he called. Mairead looked at him through a curtain of hair that had come loose from her updo and couldn't tell whether his concern was genuine or just another part of his feigned innocence act.

She began to attack before she was even fully on her feet again. Remus's eyebrows went up in a show of mild surprise, but it wasn't enough to hold him off. It was incredible to her, how quickly he moved, how masterful his use of magic. Within moments she crashed down again.

Remus paused in his attack while Mairead got back up. Anger and frustration were coursing through her. She hated how hard this was for her. She hated that the only time they spent together anymore was time that Mairead spent looking like a complete fool in front of him. She hated that it was her fault that this was the only time they spent together anymore. She hated that Remus was more compatible with Tonks. She hated how clear it was that she, Mairead, would never be good enough for Remus; would never be as skilled or as attractive or as well-matched with him as Tonks was. Most of all, she hated the fact that she had shown her hand; that he had made her show her hand by teasing her with provocative double entendres and seductive touches. She hated that he now knew how much she still wanted him while she hadn't the foggiest idea whether he still wanted her or whether he had moved on. She hated playing into his hands.

When she went down a third time, it was because tears were starting to blur her vision.

"Do you need a break?" Remus asked.

"Fuck you!" she bit out, hauling herself to her feet again and raising her wand.

Remus held up his back hand. "Slow down, Mairead - take it easy," he said sharply.

Mairead conjured a set of false teeth out of thin air that chomped down on Remus's exposed back hand. Remus hissed in a pained breath and gave his hand a great shake to dislodge the teeth.

"I shouldn't have been able to get you there," she called mockingly, throwing his own words from earlier back at him.

Remus's eyes flashed. "Mairead," he said in a warning tone.

But Mairead was past reason. She was seeing red. The memory of her humiliating session with Remus and Tonks, the seething burn of jealousy at the sight of the two of them together, combined with the self-righteous indignation at what she now saw as deliberate attempts to confuse and torment her with flirtation, all came crashing down on her at once, and it was far more than she could bear. She gritted her teeth and let her wand fire off a volley of random spells. She couldn't see clearly; she couldn't think clearly. It came as no surprise that Remus blasted her off her feet within seconds.

Her tailbone protested at her landing on it for the fourth time in rapid succession. She pushed herself to her feet, but she was winded by the blows from Remus and wasn't quite as nimble as she would have liked to have been. One look at Remus told her two things. First: that she had finally succeeded in getting a rise out of him. And second: that he knew she was tired. And that was when he moved in for the kill.

Remus's wand, which until now he had simply been holding in a loose grip in his fingers, finally came up. Mairead was forced backwards as one spell after another after another hit her. Remus attacked rapid fire. None of the spells was crippling, but they hit her so quickly and were so disorienting that she barely had time to process what was happening, let alone muster the resources to fight back. Remus began to advance on her then, and his body language was so predatory, so intimidating, that Mairead felt that even if he hadn't been forcing her backwards with magic, she would have retreated anyway. He kept coming, a hard, punishing look in his eyes, his jaw set with resolve, and Mairead retreated.

She gasped when her back hit the wall. She had nowhere to go, and Remus was almost on her.

With a breathless squeak of alarm, Mairead threw her wand away - more concerned about what Remus could do with two wands than what she would do without one - and felt instinct take over.

In one move, she twisted her upper body to the right and brought her left arm up. She wrapped her fingers around Remus's wand, just above where he was gripping it, and with the speed and inertia behind her arm movement, forced Remus's wand over until it was pointing off to the side of her body instead of directly at her. Mairead's right foot came up and kicked Remus hard in the side of the knee. He buckled, grunting in surprise and pain. Mairead kept control of his wand with her left hand and drove the little finger side of her right hand into a spot just above his inside wrist bone. His grip on his wand went slack for less than a second, but it was the moment Mairead had been waiting for. She pulled the wand out of his fingers and charged forward in a burst of aggression. She grabbed his wand arm, forced his shoulder up in the socket, and shoved him with all her might. Remus, who was still bent double from the strike to his knee, overbalanced and stumbled into the wall. Mairead slipped out from between his body and the wall, dashed over to where her own wand lay, and snatched it up from the ground. By the time Remus had pushed off from the wall and turned back to face her, she was standing across the room, breathing heavily, but pointing both wands straight at his chest.

Mairead was barely able to see through the haze of tears in her eyes, but she could still see Remus hold both hands up in a sign of surrender.

"Where have you been hiding that?" Remus asked softly.

Mairead opened her mouth to answer, but all that came out was a sob. She was angry, she was ashamed, she was confused, and she was entirely overwhelmed.

Mairead ducked her head and made a line for the door. Remus tried to follow her, calling her name softly. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see that he was limping heavily. She pivoted on the balls of her feet and turned back to Remus only as long as was necessary to shove his wand back into his hands.

"Mairead," Remus said entreatingly, reaching for her.

She easily danced away from him and scuttled out the door as fast as she could.

---

Mairead avoided Remus like the dragonpox for the rest of the week. They had previously agreed not to meet the evening after the full moon, but they were supposed to meet the following evening.

Mairead stood him up.

She felt as though she had been torn cleanly in two - one half of her never wanted to have to see or speak to Remus again, and the other half loved him so desperately that if she thought too much about never seeing or speaking to him again, she broke down crying.

She didn't know how she could ever face him again. She felt so humiliated that the mere thought of being alone with him, taking any more lessons from him, was unbearable. And so she skipped their meeting on Saturday afternoon as well. She very nearly skipped the Order meeting that was supposed to happen right afterwards, too, but she felt she would have a much more difficult job justifying that choice - both to herself and to the Order. She knew that Remus would obviously be there, as well. Worse still, Tonks would also be there. But there was safety in numbers, and so Mairead arrived early for the meeting, scrunched down in a chair, and tried to make herself as small as humanly possible. With any luck, half a dozen other members of the Order would arrive before Remus.

But since when had Mairead ever had any luck?

Sirius and Remus were the very first people to arrive after her. They walked in together, voices low and deep in an intense-looking conversation. Mairead's hopes that they were not talking about her were dashed when Sirius looked up, spotted her, and exclaimed, "There you are!"

He looked massively relieved, but also not exactly pleased with her. Mairead squirmed in her seat and wondered if it was too late to skip the meeting.

"Where in Godric's name have you been?" Sirius asked, heading towards her. "Do you realize that you've missed -"

"I'll handle this, Sirius, thanks," Remus cut him off. He looked at Mairead, his expression guarded. "May I please have a word with you before the meeting starts?"

Mairead opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Her eyes went to the clock up on the wall. "Erm -" she said in a tiny voice.

Remus eyed her levelly. "Now." There was no room in his tone for argument, so Mairead unfolded her limbs, pushed her chair back, and followed him reluctantly out of the kitchen.

Remus led her to the drawing room, then stood back and waited for her to go inside first. He closed the door behind them, but did not speak for what felt to Mairead like at least seven years. "Did we cancel our meetings last night and this afternoon and I forgot?" he finally asked.

Mairead averted her eyes. She reached her fingertips up to prod at a twinge in her eyebrow. "No," she said softly.

"Then is there some other reason why you've stopped showing up?" Remus's voice was as hard and expressionless as his face.

Mairead opened her mouth to answer, but the probability was so high that she would either say something sharp that she would later regret, or start to cry, that she closed it again without speaking. She moved her hand to her mouth and pinched her top lip between two fingers, trying to distract herself with the pain. Remus took a step closer.

"Mairead, what's going on?" he asked, his voice softening considerably.

Mairead hugged herself tightly with both arms, mustered up all of her courage, and timidly said, "I... I don't want to meet anymore."

"... May I ask why?"

She backed a step away from him. "B-because I don't." She knew she was being childish, but she felt powerless to stop herself.

"I see," said Remus. "All right. I'll ask Mad-Eye if he would be willing to meet with you instead."

Remus waited, but Mairead could not answer. She was a few thin threads away from crying and was barely holding herself together. She turned away and walked over to the window. She leaned her forehead against the frosty glass, hoping it would soothe her. Behind her, Remus sighed.

"I wish you would talk to me, Mairead," he said quietly.

Mairead's eyes burned, and she squeezed them shut against the pain. "Yeah? Well, I wish a lot of things, too," she spat bitterly.

"Like what?"

Mairead whirled on him. "Like I wish you would quit fucking toying with me!" she said, feeling her anger burst back to life. "I wish you wouldn't invite your perfect new girlfriend to, to what? To guest humiliate me? Without even goddamn fucking asking me first?! And then you fucking duel her like - like - what were you playing at?! Were you trying to show me how much I suck? How much better she is than me? Were you trying to demonstrate how I'll never be good enough? Well, guess what, Remus? I already fucking know. So thanks very much for that lesson, Professor."

Remus raised a hand and swiped it slowly across his face. "I'm sorry about what happened on Sunday, Mairead," he said. "If you recall, I tried to apologize for that the next time I saw you, but you wouldn't permit me."

Mairead folded her arms. "Well, if you already knew an apology was going to be necessary then why did you fucking do it in the first place?" she snarled. "Is it all just part of some grand plan to make me hate myself?"

Remus looked stricken. "Of course not," he breathed. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Oh, I DON'T KNOW!" Mairead exploded. "Why would you want to taunt me, and torment me, and, and, and drive me fucking doolally wondering if I'm imagining things?!" She began to pace frantically now. "What - what - what do you WANT, Remus?! You bring Tonks in here and you set me up in a corner so that I can, so I can what? Be an audience to your, your duel-shagging, or whatever the fuck that was?! And then you turn around and, and the next thing I know you're - you're - you're smiling at me and you're teasing me! And then you're touching me and you're - you're - and you're telling me t-to - and - and then - and..."

Mairead wasn't sure when in her inelegant tirade she had started to cry, but her tears had now grown so heavy she could barely speak. She turned back towards the window, crying brokenly. "Just go away, Remus," she said, her voice breaking with despair. "I get it. I lost out. It's my own fault. You've made your point. Will you please just leave me alone now? Go be with Tonks." She rested her forearms on the windowsill and buried her face in them, feeling her hot tears soak through the sleeves of her cardigan.

When Remus spoke, it was from right behind her, but she did not turn. "I'm sorry, Mairead," he said. "I didn't mean to hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do." He paused. Mairead vaguely wondered if he was raking a hand through his hair. "I... I have been toying with you," he admitted softly. "I didn't mean for it to come across that way, but I can see now the effect this has all had on you. I wasn't trying to taunt you, or torment you. I was just trying to... to get your attention. I wanted to see if you still felt the same way. I should have just asked you, but I was too afraid of what your answer would be. And so instead I confused and upset you. I chose my comfort over yours, and that was completely unfair of me."

Mairead sniffled pathetically. "Why do you care if I still feel the same way?" she asked petulantly. "What does it matter? You're with Tonks now. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

"I am not with Tonks," Remus answered. "Look - I am very sorry about what happened that day. She overheard me talking to Sirius. I was planning to ask you how you would feel about Sirius joining us, but instead Tonks..." Remus broke off and sighed. "Tonks invited herself. I should have said no. I should have stood up for you. I knew you wouldn't like it, but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She... Tonks can be very enthusiastic about wanting to help."

Mairead considered this. This was very true about Tonks. She remembered from school how badly Tonks had wanted to be a Prefect.

"I'm not with Tonks, Mairead," Remus repeated. "But if you want me to leave you alone, I will."

Mairead's body turned sharply towards Remus without her making up her mind to do so. "She fancies you," she said hoarsely.

Remus sighed. "Yes, I gathered as much," he said, sounding uncomfortable. "I hadn't noticed before Sunday."

"She's liked you since she met you," Mairead said sullenly, picking at her jagged fingernails. When Remus didn't say anything, she added, "Tonks is really great."

"She is," Remus carefully agreed.

"She's an Auror," Mairead said, as if that much weren't already an established fact. "And she must be a really good one if Moody took her under his wing. He hand-picks his protégées, from what I recall. She's smart, and she's funny. And she's really nice and really pretty. She's older than me. She never used to be your student. And she's a really good duelist."

Remus nodded. "That's all true," he said thoughtfully.

Mairead felt tears fill her eyes again. "Tonks is a really good person," she said shakily. "I bet you'd be happy together."

"I'm not interested in Tonks, Mairead," said Remus softly.

Mairead shot a lightning-fast glance at him. "Why not?" she demanded. "She's incredible. She's - she's everything I'm not."

"Then you've spotted the problem," Remus said. He reached a hand out slowly, brushing the back of Mairead's hand with his fingers. "She's not you."

Mairead felt a tear slip out of her eye. She looked up at Remus, unable to speak.

"It's you, May," Remus murmured. "Only you. I'm beginning to think it always has been."

Mairead breathed in tremulously. Remus held her gaze as he wrapped his fingers around her hand. He raised her hand and pressed it to his chest. She could feel his heart pounding. "Remus," she breathed.

Remus began to lean in then. Mairead's lips parted in anticipation. He was mere inches away from her when she saw his eyes dart over towards the door for a moment before returning to her. "May I please kiss you?" he whispered.

Mairead nodded.

His lips were almost on hers when the door opened. Mairead jumped and pulled away from him just before Mrs. Weasley poked her head into the room.

"Nearly finished, you two?" Mrs. Weasley asked. "Dumbledore's just arrived."

Mairead dropped her eyes guiltily to avoid looking at the other witch, and it was then that she noticed something.

Remus had not let go of her hand.

Mairead looked up at Remus, eyes wide with disbelief, to find a small smile tugging at the corner of Remus's mouth.

"Thanks very much, Molly," he said. While he spoke, he slipped his fingers in between Mairead's and raised their joined hands to his mouth. "We're right behind you." With that, he turned Mairead's hand in his own, leaned in, and pressed his lips tenderly to the palm of her hand.

Right in front of Molly Weasley.

Mairead gaped at him in astonishment. When Remus pulled away, he simply said, "Ready?" He smiled at her again and began guiding her out of the room, still holding her hand in his own.

Mairead followed Remus down the stairs, her eyes shifting from the man holding her hand to the matriarch of the Weasley family, who was leading the way to the kitchen. When they reached the basement stairs, they were too narrow to walk abreast, and so Remus released her hand and gestured for her to go ahead of him, but he rested his hand lightly on her shoulder as they descended to the kitchen.

When the three entered the kitchen, Mairead saw that the entire Order were already gathered for the meeting. Remus kept his hand on Mairead while they approached the table. There was a seat on either side of Sirius, as had become their customary seating arrangement of late, but when the other wizard looked up and saw his best friend with his arm around Mairead, his eyes lit up with delight and he wordlessly slid over one seat. Remus pulled a chair out for Mairead and she dropped into it, avoiding his eyes shyly. She had no idea what temporary madness had overtaken him in the drawing room upstairs. But perhaps it wasn't quite so temporary, for as soon as Remus took his seat beside Mairead, he reached for her hand again. He slid her hand so that it was between them on the table, then rested his hand on top of hers, curling his fingers into the palm of her hand and stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

Right in front of literally everyone.

Mairead was too nervous to look directly at anyone else, but peripherally she could see that they were drawing stares from around the table. She shot a look over at Remus, but he merely smiled mildly at her and squeezed her hand lightly.

Remus held her hand for the entire meeting. She was so shocked that she could barely concentrate on the contents of the meeting. The only moment that stood out to her was when Dumbledore asked Remus how their defense lessons were going.

"They're going very well," Remus answered. "I've been slowly ramping up the difficulty over the past week, and Mairead has done an admirable job keeping up."

Mairead furrowed her brow and looked sideways at Remus. "No, you haven't," she said in confusion. Remus gave her a crooked smile.

"Yes, May, I have."

Mairead seriously considered the possibility that she was dreaming. Dumbledore interrupted her thoughts. "Well," he said with a smile. "I think I speak for the entire Order when I say that we are immensely pleased with the progress the two of you seem to be making."

Mairead heard several muffled laughs around the table. She glanced at Remus and saw that he was looking down at their joined hands and smiling softly.

---

Remus let out a long, deep exhale and looked over at his door yet again. Mairead had still been in the kitchen when he had bid everyone goodnight and gone upstairs. He thought the evening had gone very well, especially considering where it had started. Mairead had looked uncomfortable and self-conscious about the amount of attention the two of them had drawn that evening, but she had still let him hold her hand throughout the entire Order meeting. Remus rolled his neck and tried to relax the tension in his shoulders, telling himself that less than a month ago Mairead would not have even agreed to sit next to him at the table. This was definitely progress.

Was it enough, though? And was it in time?

Mairead had looked so shocked that he hadn't pulled away from her when Molly Weasley had walked in on them. She had been pleased, that much was obvious. But Remus hadn't expected the intensity of the guilt that had lanced through him when he saw the surprise on her face.

He really was the most incredible fool.

Remus had done his best throughout dinner to do little things to show that he was no longer afraid of others knowing about their relationship, even though it was not strictly the truth. His stomach had been in knots for the entire evening, even after Dumbledore had obliquely voiced his approval of their holding hands. Mairead had instantly jumped to her feet to help with dinner as soon as the meeting had ended, and for several long, dreadful minutes, Remus had worried that she would find an excuse to sit somewhere else for the meal. But then when they all resumed their seats to eat, she had sat back down beside him, and she had looked shyly at him, and she had smiled her sweet, timid smile at him, and Remus had wanted to fall to his knees before her and beg her never to let his stupidity come between them again.

He discovered that, when she looked at him like that, he didn't care in the least who was watching.

Remus sighed, checked his watch, and tugged at the neckline of his shirt.

She does know I'm interested, doesn't she?

Remus frowned at this. He had been obvious enough about it, hadn't he? He had held her hand for the whole Order meeting, though it hadn't been practical while they were eating. But Remus thought he had managed this fairly well by resting his arm on the back of her chair, occasionally reaching forward to brush her hair behind her shoulder. But then, Sirius often slung his arm around Mairead, and he had always felt free to touch Mairead's hair whenever he wished, and things were definitely platonic between the two of them.

With a discontented huff, Remus rose from his bed and began to pace his room.

Okay, so maybe Mairead wasn't coming to him tonight. What of it? If she hadn't gotten the hint tonight, Remus would just talk to her tomorrow after she got home from work. If she still didn't put the pieces together on her own, he'd simply grab her and snog her senseless.

Assuming she consented, of course.

Remus's feet paused. What if she did not consent? What if she had simply not wanted to make a scene in front of Dumbledore and the whole Order? What if he had made her massively uncomfortable all evening with all of this unwanted attention and she was piling furniture in front of her bedroom door at that very moment?

His mouth hung open in dismay, and he considered the very real possibility that she was no longer interested in him. What if she had been telling him to go out with Tonks because she wanted him to redirect his attention? What if she had truly meant it when she had asked him to leave her alone?

Remus ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Calm down," he whispered to himself. He took slow, deep breaths and tried to work out what was most likely.

She said I could kiss her, he remembered. I asked if I could kiss her and she said yes.

Remus slowly lowered his hands from his eyes. She might be having second thoughts now, but at least the last input he had gotten from her had been positive.

Remus ran a hand through his hair, tugging pensively on a fistful of the strands. He should go to bed. The ball was on her end of the Quidditch pitch. He was confident he had made it clear he was interested, and she had indicated that, at least at one point during the evening, his attentions were welcome.

He headed for his bed, toeing his socks off as he went, and slid underneath the duvet. Just when he laid back against the pillows, a sound out in the corridor caught his attention. He sat straight up, staring intently at the door. He had nearly convinced himself that he had imagined the sound when a faint knock sounded on his door.

Holding his breath, Remus crossed to the door and pulled it open.

Mairead stood in the corridor, peering up at him nervously. Her fingers were twisting around themselves. She was nibbling her bottom lip.

A smile tugged irresistibly at Remus's mouth as he felt the knots and tension melt out of his shoulders at the sight of her. He did his best to play it cool. He leaned one forearm against the door frame and considered her.

"Well, of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the w-"

His teasing was abruptly cut off by Mairead throwing her arms around his neck and crushing her mouth to his.

That worked, too.

Feeling dizzy with relief and happiness, Remus wrapped both arms around Mairead's back and pulled her close. Stumbling slightly, he walked backwards into his room, letting the door swing shut behind them.

---

Author's Note: Well? Was it worth the wait? Are you happy they're back together? Did Remus earn it? Thank you for reading, and I hope you all have a great week!

Song for this chapter: "Heather," by Conan Gray (Mairead) and "Arms," by Christina Perri (Remus)