Author's Note: Thank you, GraceMonroe for taking the time to write a review! They really make my week!
I'm sorry that I didn't post this last night! The website was down when I tried to upload, so here we are now.
I know last week was something of a break from all the spicyness. Well, WE'RE BACK, PEOPLE. This chapter contains explicit yadda, yadda. Uncensored version available on blah, blah. Let me know if you have questions, haha.
Last thing, just a brief **CONTENT WARNING** that this chapter contains a discussion about rape. Sadly, not the discussion about rape that you may have been hoping for. If you would prefer to skip, please feel free to leave a comment below and I will reply with a summary.
I hope you enjoy!
Chapter Twenty-Four: Halloween (Reprise)
Mairead fiddled with the sleeves of her jumper and tried to look normal while Remus was speaking. This was the third weekly Order meeting since they had taken up together, and while Remus seemed to have perfected his casual, carefree mannerisms when it came to interacting with Mairead in front of other members of the Order, Mairead did not have quite the same level of confidence in her own behaviors.
But then, Remus had had a lifetime to perfect the art of keeping secrets, and Mairead was, well, a Hufflepuff.
As it was, Mairead could scarcely look at him without blushing. She hadn't thought it was possible that her ardor for the man could grow any further, but the past two weeks had proven her wrong. They had spent every night together since Remus had returned from his mission among the werewolf pack. They had made love nearly every night, and even the nights they hadn't had been magical for Mairead, for instead they would stay up late into the night, listening to Remus's records, reading aloud from books, asking each other dozens of questions, talking and cuddling and holding hands - Mairead had developed such a preoccupation with Remus's hands that she wondered if it was healthy. She loved the feeling of his long, slender fingers intertwined with hers, she felt a pleasant squirming in her stomach whenever he talked with his hands, and she had become exceedingly familiar with just how dexterous and skillful his hands were at bringing her to the height of pleasure over and over.
In the sweet, quiet, beautifully intimate moments after making love, they would lie in one another's arms and murmur, heads close together, until they fell asleep. Remus always listened with rapt attention to whatever Mairead had to say in those moments, as though her inner thoughts were the most fascinating things he had ever heard, as though he had never wanted anything so much as he wanted to hear what she thought and felt. In turn, Mairead had learned things about Remus she had always wanted to know - things about his childhood, his time at Hogwarts, his thoughts and opinions, his wishes and fears. It felt as though Remus were slowly unfurling his soul to Mairead, and the more she saw, the more of him she wanted.
By day they were discreet, even around Sirius, who knew of their ongoing affair. Remus had no wish to draw attention to their relationship, and Mairead trusted him wholeheartedly. She hoped that one day she would be able to express her love for him openly, but she was in no rush.
One day in mid-October, after having stayed up nearly the entire night before with Remus making love, then talking, then making love again, Mairead had actually become dizzy with the realization that, despite all that had happened - losing her best friend, the second rise of You-Know-Who, the infiltration of Hogwarts by the Ministry - she was happier than she had ever been in her entire life.
She was so happy, in fact, that not even the prospect of spending her first night in two weeks away from Remus could dampen her high. Remus had told her that morning that he was on guard duty at the Department of Mysteries that night, and that he would be leaving immediately after the meeting broke up.
Mairead had hoped she would get to sneak in a quick snog with Remus before he left, but she had no such luck. Instead, she contented herself with making good use of the evening to herself and started on Remus's Wolfsbane Potion.
She was grateful that so many members of the Order stayed the night at Grimmauld Place following meetings, as she felt that the extra company would be good for Sirius. Remus had explained to Mairead in confidence that Sirius's mood had always been somewhat mercurial, and Mairead herself had been on the receiving end of Sirius's irritability at several points throughout the summer, but as October went on Mairead couldn't help but feel as though Sirius's 'fits of the sullens,' as Mrs. Weasley called them, were getting worse. His lows were lower than they had been and they lasted longer before he pulled himself out of his sulks.
Mairead spent as much time with Sirius as she could whenever she wasn't working, and she and Remus had both agreed fervently that they did not want their romance to interfere with their friendship with Sirius, but the Wolfsbane Potion was still quite the challenge for Mairead. She begrudgingly admitted to herself that brewing the potion was already daunting enough without trying to keep Sirius company simultaneously.
Fortunately, Bill, Charlie, Tonks, and Fleur had all decided to spend the night at Grimmauld Place, and they were all having a boisterously good time in the kitchen. Sirius was certainly more subdued than the others were, but Mairead had come to understand that loneliness was one of the biggest triggers of Sirius's moods, and she knew he could scarcely be lonely with those four for company.
Indeed, by the time Mairead left to attend to the potion, Sirius had perked up and was proving himself to be an outrageously formidable competitor in a game of Two Truths and a Lie. She smiled to herself as she slipped out of the kitchen on Sirius's turn.
"All right, here we go: I once went skinny dipping with the former Minister of Magic's daughter, I once spent the night in Dumbledore's personal chambers at Hogwarts, and I once enchanted a Muggle motorbike so that it could fly."
"May?"
Mairead woke with a great start. She sat straight up and was already partially on her feet when she got her bearings.
Remus was standing in the doorway of her potions lab, hands held up in front of him, looking apologetic, and she was -
Wait, potions lab?
"Shit!" she exclaimed as she scrambled the rest of the way to a standing position. "Fuck!" She dashed over to the cauldron in the center of the room, looked inside with squinting eyes, not wanting to see what state the contents must be in, and blinked.
Everything looked perfectly fine.
She looked up at Remus in confusion. "What time is it?" she demanded.
Remus checked his watch. "Half five."
"Oh." Mairead tipped her head back and took several deep breaths as relief washed over her. "I thought I'd slept through my alarm."
Remus frowned. "I don't like you going to all this trouble, Mairead," he said seriously. "You shouldn't feel the need to sleep in your lab over this."
"Don't be ridiculous," Mairead said, scoffing as she turned to one of her work surfaces and began preparing for the next steps. "This is important!"
"It's not worth it," Remus argued.
"What are you talkingabout?" demanded Mairead. "Of course it's worth it! What do you even mean by that? Wait -" She whirled around to face Remus again as a terrible thought occurred to her. "Has it not been working? Is it not worth it because it hasn't been working and you've just been too nice to say anything to me?"
Remus chuckled and shook his head. "No, it's not like that at all," he said. "I just don't want you going to all this trouble for me. I don't want you sleeping in here for me."
"But I would do anything for you."
If it hadn't been so early in the morning, and she hadn't been so addled by the sudden, jarring return to consciousness, Mairead probably would have been able to stop herself from spouting such a saccharine, pathetic sentiment. As it was, the words were out of Mairead's mouth before she even knew what she intended to say. The best she had been able to do was to get the volume of her voice down to a tiny whisper by the end of her sentence, but she knew that, with Remus's keen hearing, he had picked up every word. She felt her face catch fire and she stared at the ground, hugging her arms defensively around herself at her embarrassing admission.
Remus shrugged away from the doorway and crossed the small room to stand in front of her. He delicately tilted her face up to look at him with one finger beneath her chin. Mairead glanced at him for a fraction of a second before averting her gaze bashfully.
"What on earth did I do to deserve the esteem of such a lovely person?" he asked softly.
Mairead finally convinced herself to look at him. "You have the esteem of the whole Order," she said earnestly.
Remus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"I mean it!" she insisted. "Everyone lov- looks up to you. Everyone respects you."
Remus's funny little smile stayed in place. "Okay," he said, but Mairead was certain that he was only indulging her. She looked away, distressed and confused.
She could not understand why he was like this. It was as though he had no perspective whatsoever on what he was like and how truly wonderful he was. He was completely oblivious to the fact that he elevated every conversation he was a part of, that others rose to the example he set with his attitude of thoughtfulness, fairness, and compassion. The world got better when he walked into the room, and he could not be more blind to it. After all this time and all of her searching, it seemed that Mairead had finally found something about Remus she did not like.
She hated how much he hated himself.
Remus disrupted her fretting by closing the distance between them and kissing her. For the first time ever, Mairead did not return his kiss, but rather stood there stiffly. Remus pulled away to examine her expression, but Mairead once again refused to meet his eye. He leaned in and kissed her again, more intently this time. He began stroking her face and her hair, then curled his fingers around her neck and pulled her into a deeper kiss. It felt lovely, but Mairead could tell that he was trying to distract her from the line of conversation she had been pursuing. The thought only served to make her more distraught.
Obviously feeling the tension, Remus pulled away.
"Forgive me," he murmured. "It's been a long night."
"What happened?" asked Mairead, instantly on alert. She searched his eyes, desperate to understand the man she loved so helplessly.
"Oh, nothing," he said wearily. "Just a long night. I missed you," he added with a small smile. "I wanted to be with you."
He leaned in and brushed his lips against her again. His kiss was a soft, tender caress, and his long, graceful hands cradled her face. He gradually persuaded her to open her mouth to him. Mairead found herself returning the kiss against her better judgment, and she couldn't help but resent her traitorous body for beginning to stir in response to him.
Remus slowly ramped up the intensity of the kiss until Mairead was whimpering and clinging to his shirt. She felt like putty in his hands when he ran his fingers up and down her sides, dancing along her spine, rubbing his thumb along her ribcage, brushing the undersides of her breasts with featherlight touches.
By the time Remus's fingers traveled to the hem of her skirt and slipped up underneath, Mairead had forgotten what they were in a disagreement about, remembering only that she had been discontented about something.
Mairead groaned against Remus's mouth when she felt his fingers push her knickers to one side, exposing her to the cold air in the lab. She gasped and bucked at the first touch of his fingers.
Remus hummed, sounding satisfied. "Is this all for me?" he purred.
All Mairead could do was moan as Remus took his time exploring her.
"God!" Mairead whispered. Through barely open eyes, she saw Remus smile smugly. "Prat," she muttered vaguely. Remus laughed and kissed her again. Mairead did her best to kiss him back, but she was starting to have trouble concentrating.
Mairead could feel her release starting to build and was struck with trepidation. She wasn't quite sure how she was to manage this standing up. She braced both hands on the worktable behind her but was not confident in her ability to hold herself up - or rather, she was quite confident in Remus's ability to turn all of her muscles to jelly.
Remus came to her rescue then, wrapping his free arm securely around her and softly saying, "I've got you. You can let go."
Mairead dimly thought that he probably meant she could let go of the table, but her body had other ideas. Her knees gave out and she briefly lost all understanding of how her limbs worked. Sure enough, Remus caught her so easily that it didn't even throw off the brilliant work he was doing with his other hand.
Mairead's head was spinning. Remus pressed her back against the worktable and kissed her again. "Open your legs a little wider for me," he instructed her quietly. "That's it," he praised her when she did as she was told, then continued on without slowing.
"Remus," she whispered pleadingly as the pace of his fingers sped up.
"Come on," Remus urged her on. "Come on, sweet girl."
Mairead gasped in a choked breath and pushed her face into the hollow of his throat. "I - I don't know - if I can -" she panted.
"You can," he said confidently, not slowing his fingers.
Mairead's legs were still weak, and her knees gave out again.
"Here," said Remus, pulling away and placing both hands on her hips. "Hop up."
Mairead did the best she could, but her legs were still weak and wobbly. She gasped when Remus lifted her the rest of the distance that her meager jump would not carry her. Remus pushed her knees apart and immediately returned to his work, wrapping his other arm around her and splaying his fingers across her back.
"Come on, May," Remus urged, his voice low and dangerously sexy. He increased the speed of his hand again. His other hand slipped down her spine and pressed on the small of her back, pulling her closer to him.
"Remus, God - Remus!" begged Mairead, crying out as a throbbing, pulsating ache began to burn her up. He had never touched her quite like this before.
"Open your eyes and look at me," he ordered in his clear, authoritative voice.
It took Mairead a few seconds to sort out how to work her facial muscles, but when she mustered up the mental resources to open her eyes and pull back enough to look at him, she saw unbridled lust burning in his eyes. He made no attempt to hide how much he liked what he saw, and that, combined with the truly unspeakably pleasurable things he was doing to her with his fingers, did her in.
Mairead let out a long, loud wail as she came. Her fingers bore down reflexively on Remus's arms and she held on for dear life, until she was quivering and shuddering in Remus's arms, completely dumbfounded by her own pleasure.
She came back to a modicum of self-awareness at the feeling of Remus peeling her knickers off her. Mairead made a small sound of embarrassment. She saw Remus smirk with satisfaction and she felt her face catch fire.
To her shock, Remus pocketed the piece of fabric, then leaned in and captured her lips with his own. When he pulled away his hands went to his belt, loosening it. Mairead already felt slightly drunk, but she couldn't help but watch, hungry for a sight of him.
"Are you ready for more?" he growled. The look of lust was still smoldering in his eyes. Mairead felt a flareup of trepidation at the thought of having sex on her workbench, but she had rarely seen him so unguarded, and she would do anything to keep him open like this.
"Yes, please," she whispered.
Remus's lips curled up in an amused smile. "So polite..." he murmured as he stepped closer to her. "So sweet. Are you going to be sweet for me again, May?"
It took Mairead a few seconds to work out the meaning of what he had said, but when she did, she felt her face warm in a way that had nothing to do with their previous exertion. Remus was normally very respectful of her shyness. As in nearly every other context, he loved to tease her, but he always stopped short of saying or doing anything to embarrass her or make her feel horrendously self-conscious. Now, however, he seemed to be enjoying making her blush, as though it only added to his own arousal.
When she did not answer his question, Remus looked at her. "Do you want this?" he asked.
She nodded.
Remus leaned in and brushed a kiss on her ear. "You're sure?"
"Yes," she gasped.
Remus brought a hand up to the back of her head. She gasped lightly when she felt him card his fingers through her hair and pull her in for a searing kiss. His lips were demanding in a way they never had been before. He kissed her hard, and used the pressure to press her mouth open.
Mairead moaned in a mixture of surprise and pleasure. She had only ever seen hints of this kind of hunger in his eyes before. Though she lacked the experience to know for sure, she had started to suspect that Remus was always exercising considerable restraint when he was being physical with her. And though she would never have dreamed of complaining about Remus's skills in the bedroom, she had to admit she was wild with curiosity about just what he was holding back.
Remus broke the kiss and pressed his forehead into hers, looking downwards. Mairead followed his gaze and watched, transfixed, as he slowly entered her.
"God, look at you," he whispered, sounding almost worshipful. "You're astonishing."
"Remus?" Her voice came out as a tiny mewl, seeking reassurance.
Remus's gaze shot up to hers at once. Mairead felt a jolt in her belly at the desire in his eyes. Not for the first time, she wondered if the amber flecks in his eyes really did glow brighter when he was aroused or if it was her imagination.
Remus's lips sought hers again, needy and passionate. His hips began to move now, his hands holding her firmly in place. Mairead searched around with her feet, scrabbling for purchase but finding nothing. Without any leverage, she could not contribute, only take what Remus was giving her at a steadily increasing pace. She tried bracing herself on the table behind her, but Remus caught her hands and guided them around his shoulders.
"Here," he said, sounding out of breath. He curled his fingers around her knees and guided them to wrap around his waist. Problem solved, he pressed his own hands against her back and pulled her hard against him.
Remus's movements became so intense that the table began banging into the wall it stood against. Mairead looked down and saw that her bowls of carefully measured out and prepared potions ingredients were being jostled, some working their way towards the edge of the table.
"Stop!" she cried. "Don't let them -!"
Remus immediately froze, followed her gaze to the potions ingredients, precariously balanced on the edge of the table. Waving a hand over them, the bowls scooted back towards safety. "Immobulus," he said clearly. Turning back to her, he asked, "All right now?"
Mairead nodded. "Thank you."
"Would you like me to stop, or continue?"
"Continue, please," she said.
Remus smiled crookedly at her. "So very polite," he commented. With no further ceremony, he carried on.
Soon Mairead was moaning and crying out loudly. Remus had never taken her like this before. He had always gone slowly and carefully, frequently checking in to make sure she was all right. Now, however, he seemed to be losing his grasp on his self-control as he became overcome with his own pleasure.
Mairead's spine arched at the new feelings, the new heights Remus was driving her towards. Vaguely, she wondered why he had held back all this time. What he was doing felt phenomenal. It was rare for Mairead to let go of her self-consciousness completely, but there was simply no room for it right now.
Remus's eyes, which had been only partially focused, sharpened on her. "Good Lord, you're exquisite," he breathed. He leaned in and latched his lips onto the side of her throat, laving her skin with his tongue, dragging his mouth up to her pulse point, his lips almost frantic in the way they moved against her.
He carried on like this until she shattered, crying out her pleasure as breathing became difficult and black spots swam in her vision. His movements briefly sped up for perhaps another half minute, and then he shouted and dug his fingers hard into the fleshiest part of her hips as his own release overtook him.
It was Remus's turn to cling to Mairead. His arms wrapped around her and held her to his chest possessively as his chest heaved, his heart pounding so hard Mairead could feel it. She returned his embrace, closing her eyes and blissfully breathing him in, admiring the muscles she could feel under her hands, noting how his shirt clung to him. She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling full and sated and so in love with the man in her arms she could barely stand it.
She sighed contentedly. Slowly but surely, Remus was letting his guard down for her. Surely this was an enormous step for him, releasing some of the restraints he had put himself under with her. She felt her own happiness blossoming under the heady knowledge that Remus was starting to take down his walls for her, starting to let her in of his own accord, rather than waiting until she had burrowed a tiny passageway herself, which only allowed her to access certain information, still tightly controlled and warily doled out.
Perhaps soon he would allow her to remove his shirt. Perhaps soon he might start to love her. The thought was enough to make Mairead want to sing.
"Oh, God, what have I done?"
Mairead's eyes snapped open at the note of repugnance in Remus's voice.
"May? Are you all right?" he asked. He pulled out of her embrace abruptly and stared at her. His eyes were slightly unfocused, as though he were just coming to after waking from a dream. Once his head cleared, he was the picture of anxiety and guilt. "I am so sorry," he said remorsefully, pressing a hand to the side of Mairead's face before repeating, "Are you all right?"
Mairead blinked and furrowed her brow. "I'm fine," she said slowly.
"Did I hurt you?" Remus pressed urgently, eyes scanning over her body fearfully.
"No," said Mairead. "No, you didn't hurt me. Are you okay?"
Remus ignored her question, but reached for her throat, gently tipping her head back with his fingers and eyeing her neck sharply. "I didn't bite you, did I?" he asked. "I don't remember biting you..."
"You didn't bite me - Remus, you didn't hurt me," Mairead said, pulling his hands away from her neck and intertwining their fingers, staring at him in confusion.
Remus pulled his hands out of her grasp. He ran a hand through his hair, looking beside himself. "I - I got carried away," he said vaguely. "I'm so sorry, Mairead. I lost control of the situation. I lost my head entirely."
Mairead felt disappointment sink through her chest. He had lost control. He hadn't relinquished it; he had lost it. "Oh," she said softly.
Remus eyed her anxiously again. "Are you sure you're not hurt?" he said. Glancing down at where her wrinkled and mussed skirt just barely covered her, a line formed between his eyebrows. He lifted her skirt up then, and Mairead's eyes widened, utterly perplexed by what he was doing. "I don't see any blood..." he muttered.
Mairead felt embarrassment seep down her neck and looked away, too humiliated to watch anymore.
She stared at her potions ingredients, immobilized on the table, as she listened to him doing up his belt buckle.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," she heard him murmur. "Won't you please look at me?"
Mairead looked around at him, letting her distress show plainly on her face. "I'm fine," she insisted softly but firmly. "Why won't you believe me?"
Remus once again disregarded her question. He reached his hands up slowly, like he thought she would spook, and gingerly cupped her face between his hands. "This will never happen again, Mairead," he said in a low, solemn tone. "I promise. I will never touch you like that again."
Mairead wanted to throw his hands off. She wanted to grab him and shake him and tell him how entirely she trusted him, how devastatingly in love with him she was. She wanted to, but she knew it was no good. He was not listening to her, and something told her he would only find a way to twist whatever she said into further accusations against himself. So she merely nodded and said, "Oh. Okay."
Remus avoided Mairead for the rest of the day. Mairead ached to find him and talk to him, try to get him to see her point of view, but he was skilled at eluding unwanted company, and the potion required too much of her focus to allow Mairead to split her attention between ensuring its success and searching the house for a man who clearly did not want to be found.
Thankfully, the potion turned out, and Mairead eagerly ladled a serving into a goblet. That evening, the potion balanced carefully in one hand, a glass of water in the other, she made her way to Remus's bedroom door. In want of a free hand, Mairead kicked at the door with her foot, eyeing the goblet apprehensively for signs of a spill.
The door opened a crack, and Remus appeared in the opening, his eyes wary and his face looking tense and restless.
"Hello, Mairead," he said.
Mairead was instantly alert at the tension in his voice. Clearly he was not over what had happened that morning. "Hey," she said softly. "I've got your potion. May I...?"
"Oh," said Remus, looking caught off-guard. "Er... yes, of course." He stood back and opened the door wider.
Mairead slipped into the room, trying not to get her feelings hurt at the way Remus was acting as though he was letting her inside against his better judgment. Remus closed the door, but kept one hand on the doorknob as he turned to face her. Mairead wordlessly extended the potion towards him.
"Thank you very much," Remus said sincerely, accepting the potion from her but avoiding her eyes.
Mairead watched him down the potion, and even now when the tension was so thick it could be cut she couldn't help but adore him and the way he tried so hard not to let her see how disgusting the potion was. Remus finished draining the goblet and gave his head a little shake. Mairead offered him a tiny, shy smile and traded the glass of water for his empty goblet.
"Again, thank you," said Remus, raising the glass slightly to salute her before draining it, as well.
Mairead held her breath and waited for Remus to address her. She had been trying to brace herself for the conversation, but it didn't stop her from beginning to tremble when Remus finally said, "I think we need to talk."
"Okay," said Mairead, her voice not as steady as she would have liked it to have been.
Remus sighed and ran a hand over his face. "How are you?" he began abruptly. "Are you all right?"
Mairead took a step towards him, brought her hands up in a pleading gesture. "I'm fine, Remus," she said earnestly. "Really - I'm fine. I promise. You didn't hurt me, I swear."
This seemed to catch Remus off-guard. He finally looked fully at her, and he seemed surprised to find her all in one piece, as though in his memory he had mangled and mauled her. "Regardless," he said, frowning even in the lack of evidence that she had been harmed by their activities that morning, "what happened this morning can never happen again. We were... incredibly lucky that you weren't hurt."
"You wouldn't hurt me," Mairead broke in, unable to contain herself.
Remus took a step towards her. "You don't know that, Mairead," he said fervently.
"Yes, I do."
Once again this did not appear to conform to how Remus seemed to think this conversation would go. He paused, looking a little off-balance, before waving a hand dismissively.
"I am not going to stand here and argue with you over whether or not a werewolf is a dangerous creature," he said sternly. "You ought to know better than that. I taught you better than that."
Mairead's cheeks flushed at the reminder of the former nature of their relationship, and in his teacher voice, too. This felt like a low blow. "Remus -"
"Mairead!" he cut her off, raising his voice slightly.
Mairead balled her hands into fists. "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" she shouted.
"Do you realize we didn't even use protection this morning?"
Mairead froze, her self-righteous rant forgotten in light of this revelation. Shit. When was the first day of her last period?
Seeing that he had at last stunned her into silence, Remus went on, ticking items off on his fingers as he went. "We didn't use protection, we didn't silence the room, there was a house full of Order members - and this is all before we get into the fact that I raped you earlier today!"
Mairead's head felt light. The room was suddenly too warm. "You didn't rape me," she said, but her voice came out weak and shaky. She looked to Remus for reassurance, but saw only stress and frustration with her for taking so long to catch up with him. "Y-you didn't," she tried again. "I consented. We should've used protection but -"
"We didn't use protection for the same reason that this morning could very easily have been rape," Remus said, his voice hard and unforgiving. "Because I had no control over myself and the situation I led us into." He sounded so unlike himself that Mairead's anxiety only worsened to the point that it felt unmanageable.
"Sorry, I - I think I need to sit down," she said faintly, the room starting to swim.
In an instant Remus was by her side. His anger vanished without a trace and his hands were gentle and careful as he helped her over to the bed. He used his wand to refill the empty glass of water and helped Mairead take small sips of it, brushing her hair away from her mouth, his movements so tender they made Mairead want to cry. There was simply no way he would ever intentionally hurt her. She knew this more definitively than she knew most things.
When she had finished the glass of water Mairead rested her head on Remus's shoulder. She felt him sigh.
"Mairead," he said softly. "I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with myself - in fact I'm furious. I would never, ever want to hurt you, and I so easily could have done today. I don't think you understand - if you had asked me to stop this morning, I doubt I would have been able to."
"That's not true," said Mairead, raising her head off his shoulder at the sudden memory. "I did ask you to stop, and you stopped immediately."
She saw Remus frown. "When?" he asked in confusion.
"When, erm... you know... the table started to, erm, to shake...?" she said, feeling her cheeks warm and wishing she did not have to recount the details. "I was worried that the potions ingredients were going to fall on the floor. Don't you remember?"
"Vaguely."
Mairead cocked her head to one side. "You immobilized the potions ingredients so they would stick to the table," she reminded him. "You really don't remember?"
Remus's mouth tightened. "I do remember, but my focus was... on other things," he said shortly.
"Oh," said Mairead softly. "Well, anyway, my point is, I asked you to stop and you stopped right away. You even asked me if it was okay to continue once you'd fixed the problem." She reached down and took one of his hands in both of her own. "So... so I don't think you're right, about your not being able to stop. Because you did. And you really didn't hurt me or do anything I didn't want you to do."
She gazed up at Remus plaintively as he mulled this over. He still looked deeply unhappy and concerned, but he let her hold onto his hand, even going so far as to rub his thumb over the backs of her fingers as he thought. Mairead waited, her heart thumping heavily in her chest.
After what felt like ages, Remus sighed. "I... I still don't like what happened this morning," he said. "That's not a version of myself that I am proud of. But I'll no longer consider what happened to be assault if you don't see it that way."
"I don't," Mairead added quickly.
Remus sighed again. "I still don't like that things got so out of hand," he said restlessly. "I don't ever want that to happen again... I think it would be best that you not sleep here the week leading up to the full moon. The risk is just too high that something could happen."
Mairead opened her mouth to argue, but shut it just as quickly. She had begun this conversation convinced he was going to break things off entirely. This felt like the closest thing to a compromise they were going to strike. She nodded. "Okay," she said softly.
Remus visibly relaxed. He raised their joined hands to his mouth and pressed a long kiss into the palm of her hand. "Thank you," he said.
Mairead found herself tired and irritable for the rest of the week. She'd had trouble sleeping for as long as she could remember, but it wasn't until she was relegated back to sleeping in her own bed that she noticed that she slept better next to Remus than she had ever slept before. She slept so well, in fact, that even though their rigorous physical activities often kept them up late into the night, she awoke feeling more rested than if she had spent that time on her own.
She spent the nights leading up to the full moon tossing and turning in bed, arranging her pillows half a dozen different ways, adjusting her bedclothes, but only falling into a restless sleep after hours of lying awake wishing she were in a different bed, folded in Remus's arms, letting the soothing sound of his heartbeat and the delicious feeling of his hands skating up and down her back lull her to sleep. She even tried reading the dry, dull Silk Road book Remus had lent her, if not to feel nearer to him then at least to bore herself to sleep.
But as the full moon drew closer, there was very little she could do to feel nearer to Remus, as he pulled farther away even during the daytime. He had avoided her enough over the summer for Mairead to be able to spot when he was doing it now. Not even sharing the news of the arrival of her period served to pull him back into her orbit, leaving Mairead bitterly wondering why she had humiliated herself by telling him in the first place. She wanted to push back, to hammer away at his walls until they crumbled from the sheer might of her adoration, but instead she gritted her teeth and told herself to be patient. It was only a week. She had waited years for Remus. She could wait a week.
At the Order meeting the night before the full moon. Mairead tried to ignore the fact that Remus sat as far away from her as possible while still sitting at the same table. She had trouble concentrating on the contents of the meeting, distracted by Remus. This was the longest she had spent in the same room with him since their tryst on top of her worktable. His face was outwardly calm but Mairead noticed that his sharp, intelligent eyes darted restlessly around the table throughout the meeting, and that he looked more peaky than normal.
Mairead was grateful to receive a new assignment at the meeting. Following the success of the cloak she had fashioned for Remus, Dumbledore requested that she make similar cloaks for everyone in the Order. Each member was to meet with Mairead, discuss what specifications they thought would best suit their particular needs, and she was to craft something customized to each of them. Daunting as the task initially seemed, by the next day Mairead was grateful for the distraction, at least until the full moon passed and things returned to normal between herself and Remus.
But the full moon came and went, and though Remus permitted Mairead (albeit with extreme reluctance) to care for him the day after, and she was once again allowed back into Remus's bed, things were not the same as they had been. It wasn't just that Remus showed no interest in having sex with her - though he hadn't so much as looked at her suggestively since their time together in her potions lab - he was distant emotionally, as well. Their long, ambling conversations were a thing of the past. His mind constantly seemed to be somewhere else. Often it felt to Mairead as though Remus had forgotten she was even in the same room. His eyes took on a faraway, haunted look that was extremely disquieting to Mairead.
It felt as though Remus was entirely unreachable, which was bad enough on its own, but in Remus's mental and emotional absence, Mairead was left utterly alone to try to cope with Sirius's latest low. It was no secret that Sirius could be extremely moody, and Mairead knew that Sirius's depression had only worsened when Harry went back to Hogwarts and the Weasleys moved out. But his sepulchral mood seemed to have sunk to new depths recently.
Mairead could not put her finger on when exactly it had begun, but by midweek she felt certain that Sirius had not stayed low for this long before. He seldom came out of his room, and when he did it was only to fetch himself more wine or Firewhisky, or to wander over to Buckbeak's room, where he spent hours or even entire days. Mairead made multiple attempts at engaging him, from being bright and sunny, to mirroring his subdued attitude, to trying to get him to talk to her, but she was rebuffed each time, with varying degrees of civility from Sirius.
Mairead tried to talk to Remus about Sirius, but it felt like trying to enlist Moaning Myrtle's help cheering someone up.
When Mairead returned to Grimmauld Place after work on Wednesday, the air was practically crackling with tension. Sirius and Remus were in different parts of the house, and both appeared to be sulking. Mairead volleyed back and forth between the two for over an hour before she finally concluded that there had been some sort of explosive argument, though neither would tell her over what. Her attempts to reconcile them over tea again were met with polite disdain (Remus) and a long string of shouted obscenities and insults (Sirius).
Mairead had gone to bed by herself - it wasn't as though Remus would notice - and cried herself to sleep.
She was immeasurably grateful to have an excuse to be out of the house all day the next day. She would be traveling to Hogsmeade to meet with Professor McGonagall, whose cloak was ready for a first fitting.
Mairead did not enjoy air travel, but Hogsmeade was too far away for Apparition and Dumbledore had warned her that driving would draw unwanted attention, and so her options were limited to flying or traveling by Floo Powder from The Leaky Cauldron to The Hog's Head. Mairead normally would have chosen Floo Powder in a second, but what with her desire to get away from Grimmauld Place, she opted to take a broomstick, instead.
Nevertheless, it was with immense gratitude and relief that Mairead's feet touched down in Hogsmeade. She wobbled unsteadily upon dismounting from the broomstick she had unearthed from a broom closet at Grimmauld Place. She looked around, taking deep breaths of crisp, autumn air, and felt her first genuine smile in days spread across her face.
She loved Hogsmeade at Halloween. Pumpkins, both carved and unblemished, were liberally dotted around town: in windowsills and on steps, on the ground by lampposts and flanking the doors of shops. The trees were a riot of orange, red, and yellow, and their colors seemed even more vibrant in the late afternoon light. The sweet smell of dying leaves and autumn spices permeated the air. She felt a chill and her mouth started to water at the thought of stopping into Honeydukes for a mug of steaming hot chocolate, a cold weather favorite drink of hers.
Professor McGonagall met her at Gladrags. They pretended to run into one another by accident and spent several minutes staging a catch up for anyone who might be listening. The two said their fond farewells, embraced, and Mairead subtly passed the cloak to McGonagall, who tucked it under her existing cloak. When they broke apart, Mairead wandered over to a display of scarves and selected one for purchase, and McGonagall headed for the full-length black robes.
Mairead paid for the soft, charcoal-colored scarf, requested a bag large enough to slip over her shoulder for her flight home, and was exiting the shop with the merry tinkle of the bell just as McGonagall entered the dressing room with an armful of robes.
They "accidentally" bumped into one another again half an hour later in Scrivenshaft's. McGonagall laughed at the coincidence and reached out to touch Mairead's hand. Mairead marveled at the older witch's sleight of hand as she managed to use this touch to slip the cloak into Mairead's large shopping bag. Mairead knew that there would be a list of notes tucked into one of the hidden, interior pockets.
She and McGonagall made a show of chatting for a few more minutes before McGonagall said that she should let Mairead go.
"Yes, I should really be getting back to my delightful housemates," said Mairead, unable to keep the acerbic note out of her voice.
Professor McGonagall clicked her tongue. "Please tell them I am thinking of them today," she said in a soft, sympathetic tone that immediately caught Mairead's attention.
"What do you mean?" she said, frowning.
"Don't you know?"
Mairead shook her head, her frown deepening.
"I would have thought that - well, regardless..." Professor McGonagall sighed and looked around before lowering her voice. "For all of wizarding society, today marks the fourteenth anniversary of the night that Harry Potter defeated You-Know-Who. For all of our society, today is a joyous day of celebration," she said, then lowered her voice still further, until Mairead had to strain to hear her. "But for those two men, today marks the fourteenth anniversary of the day one of their own group betrayed them, and You-Know-Who murdered their two dearest friends. It marks the day Black was imprisoned for a crime he did not commit, and it marks the day Lupin lost all of his friends in one fell swoop. While the entire world is rejoicing all around them, those two are remembering the day their lives fell apart."
Mairead closed her eyes, feeling the heavy weight of this knowledge settle on her.
Of course.
She opened her eyes. "I have to go, Professor," she said. "I'm sorry. I - I have to go."
Professor McGonagall offered her one of her rare, tight smiles. "Good luck, Mairead," she said. "I don't know what can be done for Sirius, but if anyone can put Remus to rights, it's you."
Mairead pulled a skeptical face. "I don't know about that, Professor McGonagall."
"Oh, please," tittered Professor McGonagall. "That man has adored you from the moment he first laid eyes on you... we all have," she added, her face softening notably.
Mairead blinked rapidly, unsure of what to do with this new version of McGonagall. But just like that, the witch she knew and revered was back.
"Remus, though," the older witch concluded shrewdly. "Him you have wrapped around your finger. Be gentle."
With a sly wink, McGonagall turned and walked off, leaving a blushing and very flustered Mairead standing by a display of color-changing inks.
Mairead returned to Grimmauld Place, dropping her shopping bags unceremoniously on the floor of the entrance hall. She carelessly deposited her broomstick into the troll leg umbrella stand and headed straight for Sirius's room.
There was no answer when she knocked. She knocked again. Silence.
"Sirius!" she called, pounding her fist on the door. "Let me in, please!"
Mairead pressed her ear to the door and heard unintelligible groaning from within the room.
"Sirius," she said, knocking again. "I want to come in."
She heard another groan, this time louder. "Fuck off, will you, Mairead?"
"No, I won't fuck off, so you should just let me in."
Silence.
Mairead weighed her options. Huffing out a breath, she called, "I'm coming in there, so you have ten seconds to ready yourself for that inevitability."
Mairead heard the lock click. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me," she muttered to herself. "You'd better thank me for this later." Raising her voice, she counted down from ten out loud, then took out her wand, tapped the handle, and said, "Alohomora."
She had rightly assumed that Sirius would immediately lock the door again, and quickly twisted the handle and swung the door open before he could act. She stepped into the room and her eyes instantly began to water at the overwhelming smell of booze and cigarettes. Coughing and spluttering slightly, Mairead waved a hand in front of her face to try to clear the air she was breathing. It took her a long while to find Sirius in the dimly lit room. He was leaning against a wall on the floor, legs akimbo. He was surrounded by empty bottles of wine and liquor, and there was an overflowing ashtray at his right hip, over which he was irritably tapping a mostly smoked cigarette.
He fixed her with a withering stare. "I thought I told you to fuck off," he said, his voice hard.
Mairead pursed her lips and ignored the sting of his words. "Yeah, you did," she said, walking purposefully towards him.
Even in the low light, she could see Sirius's eyes flash maliciously. "Guess what Lupin said after the Malfoy mission was right: you can't follow orders for shit."
Wow, he can be mean when he wants to be.
"Guess not," Mairead replied shortly. She bent down and tugged both the cigarette and the half-empty bottle of Firewhisky out of Sirius's hands. This probably would not have been possible had he been sober, but he had clearly already imbibed so much that his reflexes were dampened.
"Hey - what the fuck?!" cried Sirius, lurching out of his sitting position and taking a swipe for the bottle. Mairead danced out of his grasp. Sirius fixed her with a menacing glare. "You know, just because you're spreading it for Lupin doesn't mean you can just barge in here like you own the place."
Mairead felt her face flushing and her heart rate rising at the degrading insult and had to bite back a sharp retort. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to say calmly, "If you want it, you have to come and get it." She held up the bottle of Firewhisky. "I'm taking this to the roof. I've moved all the other alcohol there, too."
Sirius rolled his eyes and fumbled for his wand. "Accio -"
"I've locked the door to the attic," Mairead cut him off. "If you summon the alcohol it'll just smash against the door."
Sirius glared balefully at her for a long moment before snarling, "God-fucking-dammit!" He struggled to his feet, where he swayed unsteadily.
"Come on," said Mairead, turning towards the door. "We have to go get Remus."
"Why don't you just show him your fanny?" sneered Sirius viciously from behind her. "I know you want to - you've been gagging for it all summer."
"That's enough!" Mairead barked, whirling around and fixing Sirius with a glare of her own. "Now you are going to follow me and together we are going to get Remus and the two of you are going to sit down and you are going to fucking talk, and I don't want to hear another word about it!"
She and Sirius stared each other down for nearly a minute. Sirius looked positively furious, and so it came as a surprise to Mairead when he was the first to back down.
"Have it your way, then," he said emotionlessly.
Mairead nodded, then turned and led the way to the third floor.
She knocked on Remus's door and glanced over at Sirius, who had slouched on a hip and was covetously eyeing the bottle of whiskey in her other hand.
Unlike Sirius, Remus answered the door. But like Sirius, Remus looked like hell. Mairead noted with concern that there were dark circles under his eyes, which were bloodshot. She suspected that he had also been drinking. His eyes darted from Mairead to Sirius, then back again.
"What's going on?" he asked, on alert.
"Your girlfriend's gone rogue," said Sirius vindictively. "She's holding the liquor hostage."
Remus frowned in confusion, looking to Mairead for answers.
"I'd like you to come to the roof with us," said Mairead. She spoke clearly, but the bravado was gone from her voice. She was not used to issuing orders to Remus, and despite the significant changes to their relationship, could not shake the worry that he would discipline her for insubordination. In a feeble attempt to avoid his annoyance, she added, "Please."
Remus scratched his head, but said, "All right..." and stepped out into the corridor with them all the same.
Mairead led the way to the roof. Behind her, she heard Remus mutter to Sirius, "Do you have any idea what this is about?"
"Who fucking cares?" Sirius's voice replied dully.
Mairead closed her eyes briefly, but continued on. When she opened the door to the attic stairway, Sirius looked at her in outrage.
"I thought you said you'd locked this!" he said indignantly.
"Yeah, I lied," she said coolly, gesturing with a hand for him to go ahead of her.
"Oh, for - God-fucking-dammit," he said again, trudging resentfully up the stairs.
Remus looked at her searchingly, but Mairead broke eye contact and nodded towards the stairs.
Remus wordlessly followed Sirius, and Mairead brought up the rear. Sirius and Remus were waiting for her at the top of the stairs, neither of them looking pleased with her, and she ducked her head and led them over to the double doors that led out onto the rooftop garden. She walked out into the cool evening atmosphere and gratefully took in a lungful of fresh air, hoping that it would be as rejuvenating for the two men as it was for her. She had always yearned for the outdoors when circumstances became too much to bear, and it had always served to clear her head and bring her some serenity. She wished that she could have brought the two friends to a body of water or to a copse of trees, but the little verdant escape she had meticulously coaxed to life would have to do.
Turning to the two wizards, Mairead took a breath, trying to steady her nerves. "I know what today is," she began, looking back and forth between them. "A-and I know how... significant... it is to you both. I thought it would be ni-" No, not nice, you idiot. "Er, goo- erm, beneficial for you to sit down and talk about it. Together."
Remus was looking at her gravely and regretfully, his hands deep in his pockets. Sirius, on the other hand, was glaring daggers at her.
"How dare you?" he demanded. "How fucking dare you try to make this about you? You know what today is? Well, congratulations, princess. You figured it out. Bravo. Everyone knows what today is. But by my count, you're the only one trying to co-opt it into some stupid kumbaya ritual."
"Leave off, Sirius," said Remus in a warning voice. "That's not what she's doing."
Sirius scoffed derisively. "Look, if you want to sing songs and hold hands, Remus, by all means, be my guest. It's not like it means as much to you, anyway."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Remus asked sharply.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Nothing," he said sourly. "I'll just leave you to it and get out of everybody's hair, just where Dumbledore wants me." He turned and started to leave. Remus shot a surprisingly acrid glare after him before looking over at Mairead apologetically.
"I'm sorry, Mairead," he said in a quiet but distinctly patronizing tone. "It was a nice thought, but -"
"No - stop!" Mairead shouted, cutting him off. She threw out a hand angrily just as Sirius reached the doors and they swung shut, slamming against one another. "Sirius, get back over here!"
Sirius turned and fixed her with a look of such fiery rancor that she was almost cowed, but she stiffened her spine and went on.
"I am not trying to make this about me, but it's not just about you, either!" she cried. "You are both acting like children! You're so caught up in your own suffering that you're not even thinking about the other person. You're best friends. And if best friends can't be there for each other at times like these, then what's the point?" Her voice temporarily abandoned her, but her anger and frustration drove her to talk through the hoarseness. "You both lost them. You're not alone in that loss and I know it's hard to see it right now but that is such a gift." Her shoulders slumped. At the risk of inviting further recriminations from Sirius that she was making things about her, she went on. "Don't you think I would kill to have someone else who was as close to Cedric as I was? Someone who knew exactly how special he was? Someone I could talk to about what it was like to lose him? Someone I could lean on? Who could lean on me? You're standing right beside one anotherand youstill don't see each other!"She rubbed the back of one hand wearily over her forehead, then concluded, "You're never going to get through this without each other." She let her hand fall to her side, feeling deflated and depressed. "But do what you want."
Shrugging her shoulders up to her ears in defeat, Mairead set her jaw in resignation and started for the doors, giving Remus and Sirius a wide berth as she went. She felt like a complete fool. Maybe Sirius was right. Maybe she was making this about herself. What did she know? She was just a stupid teenager. They were grown men. This wasn't their first go-round with grief and they certainly didn't need her telling them how to handle it. She felt tears rising as she considered the very real possibility that she had just destroyed her friendship with Sirius, as well as her... whatever it was, with Remus. Sleeping in her car tonight was probably a good idea.
She had reached the doors and was tugging on the handle of one, which had stubbornly adhered itself to the other, when she heard Sirius speak.
"She's right." Sirius sighed heavily, then continued. "James would be so disgusted if he could see us right now."
There was a long silence, and Mairead shamelessly waited to hear what Remus would say. Finally, after half a minute, she heard him speak.
"Fancy a glass of wine, Padfoot, old friend?" His voice was subdued, but friendly.
Sirius chuckled darkly. "Nah," his voice said ruefully. "I've had so much alcohol I could float to Australia on it."
"I could make you both some tea," offered Mairead in a tiny, meek voice.
Sirius hummed. "Mmm, tea would be great."
"I wonder if there are any biscuits..." mused Remus.
Mairead smiled to herself, her vision blurring with relief.
She hurried down to the basement and brewed a large batch of strong tea, then returned to the rooftop garden with teapot, mugs, and several packets of biscuits hovering in front of her. She found Remus and Sirius sitting on the roof, their backs propped up against the side of the house, and looking out over London. Remus smiled gratefully at her upon her return.
"Thank you, Mairead," he said, his eyes conveying that he was thanking her for more than the provisions.
She smiled shyly at him but didn't say anything. She had said her piece and now found that she was too intimidated by the men to speak. She set down the two mugs she had brought and headed for the door, intending to slip out and leave them to their memories. She was brought up short by a hand around her wrist.
Mairead turned to look and was stunned to find that it was Sirius who had arrested her progress, not Remus.
"Where are you going?" asked Remus, cocking his head to one side.
Mairead looked back and forth between the two, unsure of what to say. "I -" she faltered.
Sirius looked at her, his blue eyes sincere. "Sit down," he said.
Mairead continued to stand, rooted to the spot. "I - I d- err... I don't want to intrude," she managed to say.
"You're not intruding," Remus said quietly.
Sirius's mouth turned up into the ghost of his usual doggish grin. "You're one of us now, Gryffindor," he said. "God knows you've earned it."
Mairead's breath caught in her throat. She blinked rapidly, heavily aware of the significance of their offer, of the honor they were showing her. Sirius tugged at her wrist, urging her to sit down. Remus slid further down the wall to make a space for her, and Mairead allowed herself to be pulled down in between them.
Sirius wrapped both arms around her and hugged her tightly to his side for a moment. "Seriously, when are you going to throw over that boring old wolf over there and give me a go?" he said. Mairead looked up at him and saw, beneath the teasing, roguish glint, the apology, plain and bare for her to see.
She laughed thickly. "Sorry, not gonna happen," she said, her voice a little croaky from emotion.
Sirius faked a dramatic sigh of defeat, then tightened his grip on her and pressed a long, hard kiss into her hairline. Mairead let out a long breath and rested her head on Sirius's shoulder, and she knew that he knew he was forgiven.
"I'm watching where you put those hands, Padfoot," came Remus's voice, mock seriously.
"Yeah, watch and learn, Moony," Sirius replied smoothly.
Mairead scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You're both arses," she said.
Both men laughed, but the sound was heavy with grief. Mairead wanted to get them talking, convinced it would do them good after all their years of mourning in isolation.
"Tell me something about James," she requested softly.
There was silence for a long span, and Mairead feared she had overstepped. But then Sirius said, "James could not carry a tune in a bucket with two handles and a shoulder strap."
She heard Remus snort. "He thought he could, though," he added.
Sirius twisted to look over at Remus. "That was because of you!" he said. Mairead looked up and saw that Sirius's eyes had lit up with the memory. "He came out of the shower once - where he had been yowling fit to wake the devil - and you looked him in the eye and dead-arse said, 'You never told me you could sing. Why didn't you ever say anything? You're magnificent!' And James -" Sirius broke off and laughed, a carefree, joyous sound. "James just puffed out his chest and said -"
"'All the men in my family can sing,'" Remus finished, eyes shining happily.
Mairead smiled, tentatively joining in their laughter at the memory.
"From then on he was convinced that he had a gift," Sirius said, tipping his head back against the side of the house and laughing his deep, rich laugh.
"Do you remember the time he took his broom up to the girls' tower and serenaded Lily outside her window?" Remus asked eagerly.
Sirius barked out a laugh. "Shit, yeah! I'd forgotten that. One of the other girls in Lily's year was Irish and she thought a banshee was outside. And d'you remember..."
The three sat on the roof, drinking tea, eating biscuits, and sharing memories until it became too cold. When Mairead became so chilled that she could no longer mask her shivering, Sirius suggested that they go warm up in the kitchen with another cup of tea.
In the basement the two best friends continued to talk and reminisce, the tenor of their voices changing as their grief ebbed and flowed, the height of the waves softened by the strength of their bond. Mairead listened, occasionally asking a question, but mostly staying silent, content to listen and bear witness to the two men honoring the enormity of the loss of their friends.
Sometime in the small hours of the morning Mairead dropped off to sleep, her face resting on her folded arms. Had she been awake, she would have heard the conversation change directions briefly, would have been able to hear the tenderness in the voices of the two men as they spoke.
"I told you she'd be good for you, Moony."
"...Yeah, you called it, Padfoot."
Author's Note: Poor Remus and Sirius! Don't you just want to give them hugs and hot chocolate? What did you think? Was it too corny? Did thespicy potions lab scene preemptively make up for the kumbaya ritual, as Sirius would call it? Also, I hope the title of the chapter wasn't too Musical Theater-y. I just realized literally as I was posting the chapter that I had a chapter by the exact same lazy title in Part 1, so I felt the need to differentiate a bit. Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I hope you have a great week!
Song for this chapter: "Wolf," by The Ballroom Thieves (Remus)