Author's Note: Thank you to GraceMonroe for reviewing!
All I have to say before beginning is... I'm sorry.
Chapter Forty: Remus and the Wolf
Remus thought he would go mad if he did not get news from Hogwarts soon. Kingsley had come by Grimmauld Place Tuesday evening to announce that Dumbledore had fled Hogwarts. He explained to an aghast Remus and Sirius that Harry's defense club had been discovered by Umbridge, and that Fudge, Dawlish, and Kingsley had been called to Dumbledore's office to enforce the expulsion and removal of Harry from Hogwarts. In a series of strategic moves that even Ron Weasley's chess skills could not have rivaled, Dumbledore had manipulated the narrative to the point that it appeared as though he had been the mastermind behind the secret meetings, that Harry was blameless, and that Dumbledore himself had been mounting a secret army of students to take on the Ministry of Magic.
Remus, Sirius, and Kingsley had all agreed that it had been a fine line to walk, playing to Fudge's paranoia and delusions about Dumbledore's political aspirations, but it had worked: Harry was still at Hogwarts, and Dumbledore had escaped Azkaban by what for any other wizard would have been an exceedingly narrow margin.
Sirius had dropped into a chair at that, a look of dread on his face that Remus had assumed was mirrored on his own. He had never imagined Hogwarts without Dumbledore. The two were inextricably linked in his mind, two halves of the same coin.
Remus hadn't thought that matters could get any worse. But then Kingsley had announced that Umbridge had been leapfrogged over McGonagall to the position of Headmistress.
"What?!" Sirius had shouted, jumping back to his feet.
"What about McGonagall?" Remus had asked sharply. "She's Deputy Headmistress. She is supposed to step into the role if -"
"I think we're a touch past 'supposed to,' Remus," Kingsley had cut him off.
"What are we going to do?" Sirius had asked. "We can't just stand here and let her take over Hogwarts! The only comfort we were taking from the idea of her being there in the first place was that her position is cursed and she was going to be forced out sooner or later. If she's no longer the Defense teacher -"
"-Does the curse still apply?" Remus had finished for him.
Kinglsey had made a weary gesture with his hands. "I don't know anything about the curse," he had said. "All I know is that Fudge has us working around the clock to try to find Dumbledore. This is supposed to be my dinner break - first break I've had in twenty-four hours."
Sirius had hurried off to fix something for Kingsley to eat at that, leaving Remus in the kitchen, his mind turning to the person it always turned to before very long.
"How is Mairead?" he had asked Kingsley. "Is she still at Hogwarts? Has Umbridge tried anything?"
"I don't know," Kingsley had replied with a sigh. "I haven't been back there since last night."
"This happened last night?" Sirius had emerged from the pantry then, his arms full of ingredients. "Why the fuck are we only hearing about this now?"
"There has to be an Order meeting," Remus had agreed. "We need to tell everyone. We need to make a plan for getting Mairead out of there before -"
"We need to wait until we hear word from Hogwarts before we do anything," Kingsley had disagreed, holding up both hands in a staying gesture. "Anything we do before then could jeopardize the safety of our people on the inside. We do nothing and we wait to hear from them."
That had been Tuesday. It was now Saturday and Remus thought that plenty of better men than he had lost their minds faster under lesser strain. They had heard nothing more from anyone. There had been no word about Hogwarts, no word about Dumbledore, no word about Mairead, no word about Harry, and Sirius and Remus darkly agreed that if no one from Hogwarts showed up for the meeting that was scheduled for that evening, they would figure out a plan to infiltrate Hogwarts.
Members began to arrive early for the meeting, and Remus and Sirius quickly gave up on the idea of getting everyone through to the basement without rousing the portraits. It appeared that everyone had heard some version of what had happened - either the account published in The Daily Prophet or other versions from different sources. Remus could smell the stress, uncertainty, and fear in the air; it was a sharp, tangy scent that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and only added to his alarm as more and more people filed into the entrance hall, none of them Mairead. His heart leapt every time he saw a ginger walk in, but it was always just one of the Weasley family.
Remus fought his way over to the staircase and climbed the first few steps, giving him a view of the door over the heads of everyone. The portraits were going off, but rather than move to silence them, everyone simply began shouting over them, to the point that the noise levels rose to a cacophony. The door opened again, and this time McGonagall's tartan travelling cloak could be seen - the first of the Hogwarts faculty. And just behind her -
"Mairead!" Her name was out of his mouth before it even occurred to him to stop himself. He saw her look around at the sound of her name and caught eyes with him. Relief suffused her face and she raised a hand in acknowledgement. Remus saw her trying to work her way through the crowd towards him, but was either too meek or too short to make any headway.
Remus was neither meek nor short, and he twisted and turned his body to maneuver his way through the crowd towards the door. He had lost sight of Mairead, but he headed in the general direction where he had last spotted her. Then there was a small break in the crowd as Sirius finally succeeded in beginning to herd people towards the basement, and there she was, right in front of him.
Her face was paler than usual, and her green eyes were wide with nervousness. She had her hair tied back in its usual messy updo, but large chunks of it had come loose and were falling around her shoulders. He had grown so used to her wearing Muggle clothing that she somehow looked smaller to him in her robes, like she was drowning in the fabric.
Remus started towards her and had begun to reach for her to pull her into his arms before he remembered himself. He halted abruptly, letting his hands fall to his sides. Mairead paused too at the sudden change in his demeanor.
"Hi," she said in a small voice.
"Are you all right?" he asked, searching her expression for signs that she was in danger. "Has Umbridge -"
"No," answered Mairead, shaking her head. "She's kind of... had her hands full this week. She's left me alone, for the most part."
"Thank God," Remus breathed.
She met his eyes, then, and Remus could see none of the anger that had been there when she had left him. The hostility, the resentment, the bitterness - it was all gone, though to his immense relief, he saw that the fire constantly burning in her eyes was still there, albeit somewhat diminished.
He needed her. He didn't know how he was supposed to exist without her. He clenched his fingers into fists to stop himself from reaching out to card his fingers through her hair and pull it free from the updo.
"How are classes?" he asked, uncomfortably aware of how hoarse his voice had become. His stomach gave a squirm of pleasure when Mairead smiled shyly.
"They're actually going well," she said. "Really well."
"I'm delighted to hear that."
"Thanks," she said. "I finally feel like I have a handle on things. A lot of the students seem to be coming around, and they're learning, which is amazing, and I even remembered to assign homework." She said this last with a small laugh, and she was so perfect it almost hurt Remus's eyes to look at her.
"I'm so happy for you, Mairead," he said softly.
"Thank you," she said again. "Thank you so much for your help. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Yes, you could have."
"I absolutely could not. You redid my whole syllabus, you designed the lesson plans -"
"You did all of those things yourself," Remus reminded her. "You redid your syllabus. You designed the lesson plans. I just gave you the information that had been kept from you."
Mairead shook her head stubbornly. "No," she insisted. "You -"
Remus laughed. "You impossible girl," he said fondly.
Mairead stopped arguing then. She met eyes with him again, and the tiniest spark of hope flickered to life inside Remus's chest. Her cheeks flushed, bringing some color back to her face and making Remus's heart ache with longing. The smiles faded from both of their faces as they looked at each other. After a breathless silence, Remus tilted his head slightly.
"May," he began in a whisper. Her eyes lit up at his use of her nickname. The spark of hope grew into an ember.
Before either of them could say or do anything else, though, the door opened again, and Professor Sprout entered, looking windblown and damp from the April rain. "Hullo, you two," she said, removing her hat and shaking off the rain droplets that had gathered there. "Meeting not started yet?"
"Oh," said Remus, remembering now why Mairead was even there. "I'm not sure..."
"Minerva thought it best that we stagger our arrival times," Sprout went on, apparently oblivious to the romantic tension she had just walked in on. "Severus will be along in fifteen or twenty minutes. He told us to get started without him. Filius and Hagrid are staying behind. We thought it might not be a bad idea to have two Order members at Hogwarts now that things are... less stable."
"Yes, that sounds like a good idea," said Remus, smiling at the Head of Hufflepuff. "Well, I suppose we'd all better head down."
He shot a quick smile at Mairead and was delighted beyond words to see that she looked a little miffed that their moment had been interrupted.
So am I, May. So am I.
Remus gestured for Sprout and Mairead to go ahead of him. He very nearly reached out and touched Mairead when she walked past him. To stop himself from doing anything similarly foolish, he stayed behind to do up the locks on the door.
The meeting was disjointed and disorganized. Conversation centered solely around Dumbledore's flight from Hogwarts. McGongall and Kingsley, who had both been in the room for Dumbledore's spectacular escape, gave their own version of events, correcting several false narratives others had heard, and Kingsley, Tonks, Doge, and Arthur spoke about what the atmosphere had been like at the Ministry in the days after. There was much speculation about where Dumbledore could be, and what he might be doing ("Of course he's not going into hiding here," Sirius said bitterly. "Who would want to do that?"), and McGonagall, Sprout, and Snape gave accounts of how Umbridge had already been given a run for her money in her first week. Molly and Arthur had looked as though they didn't know how to react to the knowledge that their twin sons had spent the week causing non-stop havoc to rain down upon Umbridge, though Remus personally felt delighted to know that mischief-making was alive and well at Hogwarts, and one glance at Padfoot told him that his friend felt the same way.
The Hogwarts professors collectively expressed relief that the Easter holidays were upon them, and conversation was looking like it was dwindling. Remus had listened with growing trepidation to the teachers detailing out the changes Umbridge planned to make. There were rumors of corporeal punishments being brought back, and even in her advanced state of busyness, Umbridge had managed to sit in on two of Hagrid's classes and one of Mairead's. The thought of what that sadistic woman could do to Mairead began to eat at him, until it was all he could think about. As the meeting began to wind down, he felt he had to say something before it was too late.
"What do you need from us?" he asked, looking at McGonagall - the acting head of Hogwarts, as far as he was concerned. "What steps should we take to safeguard Harry?"
"Nothing at the moment," answered McGonagall. "We haven't heard yet from Dumbledore, although I'm a touch surprised he's not here for the meeting."
"Still," Remus pressed, "I think it bears discussion. Should we install a few people from the Order in Hogsmeade, for example, in case an immediate response is needed?"
"It's not a bad idea," said Mad-Eye gruffly.
"The risk is too high of being caught," Snape spoke up abruptly. "Umbridge has eyes everywhere. And besides, it is not as though there are not already multiple members of the Order inside Hogwarts."
"About that," Remus continued, shooting a nervous glance at his target before continuing. "I think it would be prudent to discuss removing certain people from Hogwarts... Umbridge is targeting teachers, after all. Trelawney aside, if she were to go after a teacher who is a member of the Order -"
"Whom did you have in mind, Remus?" asked McGonagall, though Remus could tell from the steely look in her eyes that she already knew where this was going.
Remus took a deep breath and let it out slowly before responding. "I think it would be wise to discuss removing Mairead," he said. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Mairead sit up and look around sharply. Ignoring this, he went on, "She has already been placed on probation by Umbridge. What is more, there was a threatening addendum to her probation letter that I think merits some scrutiny on our parts."
"Addendum?" McGonagall asked, looking over at Mairead. "I didn't know anything about an addendum."
Remus studiously avoided Mairead's eyes, which he could feel burning into him. "Umbridge is threatening to turn Mairead over to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement," he announced to the table. "At any time, Umbridge could approach Mairead and demand that she perform a magical feat, and if she fails, her wand will be taken from her and destroyed."
There had been several gasps at his announcement. All eyes were now on Mairead, and Remus chanced a glance over at her. She was shrinking down in her seat at the attention, looking wary at the focus being on her, but she still looked over at Remus, and he did not miss the look of betrayal in her eyes.
"Why didn't you tell us this, Mairead?" asked McGonagall. She did not say it unkindly, but Mairead flinched as though the Head of Gryffindor had shouted at her.
Mairead set her jaw in a stubborn expression Remus knew well. "Because I was assured that she was bluffing," she said. He could hear the accusatory undertone in her words. She looked back at Remus then. "You said I didn't have to worry about that."
"That was before she became headmistress," said Remus. "Now, however, I think you should consider leaving Hogwarts."
"I don't want to leave." Mairead's voice was stronger now. She pressed her hands flat onto the tabletop.
"Umbridge has more power now," Remus reminded her. "And you have one fewer powerful ally in your corner at Hogwarts."
"Everyone has one fewer powerful ally in their corner at Hogwarts," Mairead argued. "That's why I think it's important to keep as many members of the Order at Hogwarts as we can."
"I agree with Mairead," Sprout said. "The more friendlies at Hogwarts, the better, as far as I'm concerned."
"At what cost, though?" asked Remus. "Is it really worth putting a target on her back just to have one more person at Hogwarts?"
"Dumbledore wanted me at Hogwarts," said Mairead.
"No, you wanted to be at Hogwarts," Remus disputed. "Dumbledore took you there because you asked to go."
Mairead's eyes flashed. "Yeah, well, I'm there now," she said, sounding angry. "And Dumbledore said I was to stay there for the rest of the year. I'm not leaving unless he tells me to."
"Dumbledore isn't here."
"I must beg you to forgive the contradiction," came a familiar voice from the doorway. Everyone whipped around to see Dumbledore, who had just walked into the kitchen wearing an indigo travelling cloak studded with stars. "And do, please, also forgive my tardiness. Alas, I had quite forgotten that I was in a different time zone."
There was a great deal of clamoring as everyone began asking questions all at once. Dumbledore smiled warmly around at them all and waited for silence.
"I am afraid that I have very few answers I can share with you at this time," he said, folding his hands and addressing the group. "Suffice it to say, I have managed to keep myself one step ahead of the law, as they say, and I plan to use my newfound free time to gather information that I very much hope will come in useful at some point in the future. With that in mind, I cannot guarantee that I will be able to be present for every meeting, but I shall do my best to make myself available as much as possible."
"Sit down, please, Dumbledore," said McGonagall, pulling out a chair, but Dumbledore smiled and shook his head.
"I have no wish to prolong what I'm sure has already been a long meeting, nor do I have any desire to dispel any of what I am sure must have been delicious speculation," he said. "But, if I may, I do wish to comment on the most recent topic of discussion."
Remus watched Dumbledore raptly, hoping against hope that the wizard would side with him and see how very foolish it was to keep Mairead in such a precarious, dangerous position. But when Dumbledore's blue eyes met his, Remus knew that he was to be overruled.
"I wish for Mairead to remain at Hogwarts at this time," said Dumbledore. "From what I have gathered she has been doing a remarkable job at teaching. If this keeps up, I daresay I am in danger of changing my mind about the merits of the study of Divination. I agree with Pomona's assessment that we cannot have too many friends at Hogwarts right now, and I am strongly disinclined to give Dolores the opportunity to install someone of similar sensibilities to her own in the position."
Remus detested the idea of Mairead being trapped inside Hogwarts with Umbridge out for her blood, but he knew better than to try to repudiate what Dumbledore said. He kept half his mind on the conversation, but the other half strayed across the table to where Mairead was sitting, arms now folded protectively around herself and wearing her kicked puppy dog look. Remus suppressed a sigh and felt the flicker of hope that had been warming in his chest sputter and go out.
Dumbledore adjourned the meeting only a few minutes after he had joined, but asked McGonagall to stay behind so that they could talk. Mairead shot to her feet instantly and made for the door.
"I'll just be a few minutes, Mairead," McGonagall called out to the girl.
Without slowing her progress out of the room, Mairead shot a smile over her shoulder that, to Remus, was very obviously forced. "No problem," she said, her voice strained and tight. "I'll wait upstairs." Remus waited until she had closed the door behind herself before going after her.
"I'd leave it alone, Moony," said Sirius wearily. "It's not going to go well for you."
Remus ignored him.
He found Mairead in the library. She was pacing around, breathing raggedly and looking around as though searching for something to smash. When she spotted Remus in the doorway, he got the distinct impression that his nose would have been her first choice. "What?" she demanded, stopping and squaring her body off against his. "What do you want?"
He had come up to apologize, but as he looked at her, he knew that her forgiveness wasn't what he truly wanted, what he most needed. Even now - her face white with fury, her eyes looking like she would set him on fire if she could, her anger so palpable he imagined her hair would send off shocks off electricity if he got too close - she was so lovely to him, so perfect and rare and precious. He knew that she was only angry because she was hurt, and the thought made his fear spiral out of control. If he could hurt her simply by trying to protect her, what could Umbridge do to her, who held nothing in her heart but malice and ill will and prejudice?
Dumbledore was no longer there to protect Mairead, to stand between her and the malefactor who had no decency, no shred of goodness in her soul. Umbridge had gone after Mairead when she had been just a young child. She had targeted the victim of horrendous abuse - abuse which had left Mairead emotionally scarred, disabled, and utterly defenseless. This was the kind of person Umbridge went after, someone sweet and lovely and kind and selfless - so selfless that she was blind to her own vulnerability. For who was there to protect Mairead, with Dumbledore gone?
These were the thoughts and fears that drove Remus to answer, "I want you to leave Hogwarts. I want you to come back here."
Mairead scoffed. "Are you mental?" she asked. "Do you seriously think I would come back to you after all you've done? After what you're still doing?"
"This isn't about me," Remus shook his head. "This isn't about us. It's about you. It's about your safety."
"Of course it's about you!" Mairead retorted. "If it were about me, you'd take my thoughts and my feelings into consideration. But you never do! You just do whatever you want to do and say whatever you think is best and you never ask me! You never include me! You say whatever will get you what you want in the moment and you feel no qualms at all about completely changing course the minute it suits you. I - I can't - you make my head spin! One minute you're telling me not to worry about Umbridge being out for my blood and the next minute you're throwing me under the manticore in front of the whole Order! Making me look unreliable; making me look like I'm lying and concealing -"
"I already explained to you," he cut in, trying to be patient. "Circumstances have changed since we spoke last. You're no longer safe at Hogwarts."
"That's for me to determine," said Mairead coldly.
"No, it's not!" Remus spoke sharply. "It's for her to determine! And she's already shown that she's after you, Mairead! Do you really think now is a good time to go gallivanting around right under Umbridge's nose when -"
"-I am not gallivanting around -"
"-your father and all of his friends are searching for you -"
"-Oh, for Merlin's sake! Even Snape said they're not going to take on Hogwarts over me -"
"So now you're taking Snape's word over mine?"
"Your word means nothing!" she shouted. "How could it when you change it anytime it suits you? How could it when you lie to me?!"
Remus clenched his hands into fists at her admonishments, but he forced his guilt to the pit of his stomach and took a step towards her. "I'm not lying now," he said earnestly, holding her gaze. "I am not lying when I say that you are in danger if you stay at Hogwarts, Mairead. You know it - you must know it!"
"I'm not leaving," she said, setting her jaw stubbornly.
"Why not?!" Remus demanded. "One week ago you were clamoring to leave Hogwarts! You hated being there, hated teaching. And now just because you've had one week of success you love it there and never want to leave?"
"No!" said Mairead hotly.
"Then why?" Remus persisted. "You didn't even want to be there in the first place. Dumbledore offered to let you go to Hogwarts when you first went into hiding, and you declined. Admit it: the only reason you fled to Hogwarts was to get away from me. You didn't have some hidden yearning to be a teacher - you just wanted to put as much distance between yourself and me as you could."
"Yeah?" Mairead shot back. "Well, as I recall, you've been working pretty fucking diligently to accomplish the same goals, now haven't you? To my recollection, you said that if you had the whole thing to do over again you wouldn't rest until you had sent me as far away from here as you could possibly manage. You should be thrilled I'm not here."
Remus's frustration had grown to the point he needed to shut his eyes and turn away from her for a moment. When he had regained some semblance of control, he said, in a tone of forced calm, "You know perfectly well why I did that. I did it for your safety, something no one else seems to care about at all - including yourself! Hogwarts isn't safe, Mairead! It's not safe anymore and you need to be somewhere safe!"
"Dumbledore wants me there," said Mairead through clenched teeth. "Weren't you listening? He said so himself."
"Yes, I was listening," said Remus doggedly, continuing towards her. "Were you? Because of all the reasons Dumbledore listed for why he wants you at Hogwarts, I didn't hear a single one of them being about your best interests, about your safety."
"MY SAFETY ISN'T THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS!" Mairead shouted. "THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME! This is bigger than just one person. Being in the Order means sacrificing your own individual wants and needs for something bigger than yourself. This is about the greater good!"
Remus felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He felt as though all of the air had been sucked out of the room. All at once, it seemed as if a parade of spirits were marching past him, heading straight for Mairead, their ghostly fingers reaching greedily for her, hungry for the next sacrifice to the greater good.
Feelings he kept buried so deeply inside that he could not see them or feel them, so they could not hurt him anymore than they had already done, were brought to the surface, as though Mairead had come along, gazed into waters that he fought so hard to keep still and peaceful, and dashed her hand across them. "How dare you?" he breathed. "How dare you talk to me about sacrifice?"
Mairead looked surprised, like she had taken a step and found there not to be any solid earth beneath her. She opened her mouth, and Remus was sure she was about to apologize. Here was his opening to reconcile, to make things better between them. His intuition, his knowledge of Mairead, told him that if he explained himself just one more time, if he reached for her now, she would accept him. But demons had ahold of him now, and instead he advanced on her, his voice lowering to a snarling growl as he backed her up against a bookcase. "Do you have any idea what I've sacrificed for the Order? What I've lost? And now you speak as though you had any right to call me selfish? How dare you? How dare you talk to me about the greater good? You have no fucking idea what I've lost! What I've sacrificed to the greater good, Mairead. Don't you dare presume to know! Don't you DARE lecture me on the greater good!"
Mairead's dark green eyes were wide and filled with surprise, and remorse, and something far worse. They were filled with sympathy. And the knowledge that she felt sorry for him - that she pitied him and yet would do nothing to help him - filled him with an anger that had sown its seeds in Remus fourteen years ago, an anger that had twined its roots around his heart and had been feeding off his love and his grief and his loneliness ever since.
She spoke in a small voice. "Remus, I -" She was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Mairead?" McGonagall said from the doorway. Her sharp eyes took in the scene: Mairead backed into a corner, Remus looming menacingly over her, and asked, "Is everything all right?"
Remus took an automatic step back, working to regain enough control to rein in his anger. "Everything is fine," he said, the strain in his voice readily apparent.
McGonagall looked at him for a moment, then turned her gaze back on Mairead. "Are you ready to go back to Hogwarts?"
Mairead's eyes flicked uncertainly from Remus to McGonagall, and back again.
"What's it going to be, Mairead?" Remus asked quietly so that only she could hear him.
Mairead's eyes searched his. Remus told himself to let his guard down, to let her see what she needed to see so that she could understand, but he was too afraid. He watched her, safely ensconced behind his walls and protections, as confusion blossomed in her eyes, followed by disappointment and sadness.
She dropped his gaze. "Yes, I'm ready to go, Professor."
April passed in a blur of work and grading and miserable Order meetings. At some point, the rain and wind had softened into gentle breezes and bright green living things resiliently poking their heads above ground, but Mairead was too unhappy to notice.
She spent her Easter holidays stressed, anxious, and sleep-deprived. Umbridge had left her alone so far, but she had no delusions that this would continue when the holidays ended and she had the chance to flex her muscles as the newly installed head tyrant of the school. Mairead lived in fear of being set a task she could not complete in front of Umbridge, and did her best to keep her head down and not draw attention to herself. She was certain that any day now she would be sacked, her wand would be confiscated, and she would be thrown out into the world, exposed, vulnerable, and isolated.
She had taken to sitting up most evenings, staying awake as long as she could before succumbing to sleep and the petrifying nightmares that besieged her every time she lost consciousness. She dreamt that her father found her. She dreamt that You-Know-Who decimated the Order. One night, she dreamt of Remus being captured and tortured while she was forced to watch him slowly die before her eyes. As if her unconscious mind was run by a cruel, sadistic spirit, this dream quickly worked its way into a regular rotation, until she could count on having it every night.
As much as she knew she shouldn't, she desperately wished for Remus in the moments after she awoke, her throat raw from screaming and her face wet with tears. She longed for him to hold her in his arms, to rock her and stroke her back and whisper calming things into her hair. She yearned to drift off to sleep to the sounds of him singing love songs in her ear.
But that version of Remus was gone, and the more time passed, the more convinced Mairead became that he was never coming back.
After his highly uncharacteristic emotional outburst in the library, Remus had completely shut Mairead out of his life. He hadn't spoken a word to her, hadn't so much as looked her way. He behaved perfectly normally at Order meetings, all easy smiles and kind personality and helpful contributions, but it was as though Mairead had turned invisible to him, as though she no longer existed to him. Even in their lowest moments, he had never been this indifferent to her.
Worst of all, he had followed through on his insistence that Mairead not make the Wolfsbane Potion for him. At the last Order meeting, she had made several attempts to speak to him, to try to persuade him to change his mind, but it was like she was a ghost. His eyes slid over her like she wasn't there; her efforts to get his attention went unacknowledged. She went so far as to use her free period when Firenze was teaching Fifth Year Divination to travel to Grimmauld Place mid-week and beg Sirius to speak to Remus on her behalf. The most she had gotten for her trouble was a lecture from Sirius (that she strongly suspected was secondhand) on travelling alone and a, "The stupid bastard still says 'no.'"
The summer term started. Mairead did her best to concentrate on her first day back at teaching, but her thoughts were consumed by the knowledge that it was now four days before the full moon, three days after Remus should have begun taking the potion, and five days after she would have had to begin brewing it. She was still thinking of him when her last class of the day was dismissed. She had gathered up her things and was making her way towards the silver stepladder when she saw a head of short, bright red hair poke its way into the classroom. Mairead watched as first one, then the other Weasley twin climbed into her classroom and smiled winningly at her.
"Top o' the morning to you, Professor O'Keefe," said one of them (probably Fred, Mairead presumed) in a cheeky imitation of Mairead's accent.
Mairead raised her eyebrows. "It's four thirty in the afternoon," she said.
The other twin checked his watch and gave a great start of surprise. "Would you look at that, Fred? She's right!" George thrust his wristwatch under the nose of his twin. "She really is a Seer!"
Fred opened his mouth in a great 'o' of surprise. "How did you know that?" he said in a tone of hushed wonder.
"Did you see it in the stars?" asked George.
"Or the cards?" Fred suggested.
"Did you throw bones?"
"Did you throw up?"
Mairead did her best to fix them with a look of stony annoyance, but it cracked almost immediately into her first smile in weeks. "What are you doing here?" she asked, trying not to laugh.
Their faces fell. They looked at each other with chagrin. "We thought you'd know," they said in unison.
A laugh bubbled its way out of Mairead before she could stop it.
"Well, you see," said the twin she had now identified as George, "over the past year or so we have come to look on you with a sense of... how shall we put it, Fred?"
"Fondness?"
"Mutual respect?"
"Mutually assured destruction?"
George clicked his fingers at his brother. "Precisely." Turning back to Mairead, he continued. "It is our understanding that you are in somewhat hot water in the eyes of our dearly behated Headmistress Troll Bridge."
"I think it's 'Bumbridge,' George," Fred spoke up.
"Forgive me," said George. "In any case, we have it on good authority that a certain... shall we say, outbreak of chaos? Is about to descend upon the fifth floor corridor in the East Tower, to be commencing shortly."
"It has come to our attention that you currently reside in the East wing of the castle," Fred picked up smoothly for his brother, "and that your regular pedestrian commute back to your residence brings you into alarming proximity to a certain corridor known to many as belonging to Gregory the Smarmy."
"What are you planning?" said Mairead in a warning voice, putting her hands on her hips.
"So quick to judge!" Fred cried, sounding affronted.
"Alas," added George. "And when we have come to extend the branch of goodwill and fellowship, at that."
Mairead pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows.
"Look," said George, shooting a glance at the trapdoor, "all we're saying is this: steer clear of the fifth floor corridor in the East Tower for the rest of the day."
"Find someplace else to while away the hours," Fred added.
"Preferably with eight to ten eyewitnesses who can be trusted to give sworn testimony as to your presence," concluded George.
Mairead looked at the two of them, feeling more concerned the more they talked. "You're going to get yourselves expelled," she said, folding her arms.
"Yeah, that's no longer the deterrent it once was," said Fred, unconcernedly flicking a piece of lint off his robes.
"Oh, really? Does the prospect of corporeal punishment do anything for you, then?" Mairead challenged. "'Cause that's what Umbridge has been talking about ever since taking office."
George looked over at Fred. "She sounds like Hermione," he commented.
"That's a comparison I'll be flattered to accept," said Mairead readily.
Fred sighed. "Bottom line, Mairead: we've made our choices. You're not going to change our minds."
"We just didn't want our choices to have a negative impact on you," added George. "So we just wanted to give you a heads up. Do with it what you will."
"Or don't," said Fred with a carefree shrug.
"We know Umbridge is looking for any opportunity to majorly bugger you over, and we don't want this to blow back on you," George said.
"That's... awfully considerate of you," said Mairead, frowning as she tried to conjure up another example of a time they had been this conscientious, and coming up short.
"Well, we like you," said Fred. "You're sort of like our stand-in big sister."
"A replacement Percy, if you will," George supplemented. Fred nodded and began ticking items off on his fingers.
"You're the right age, you've got the hair, freckles are a go, you check off the unfortunate wardrobe options -"
"But without the whole pesky business of being a steaming pile of hippogriff dung," George concluded.
Mairead scratched her ear and considered their words. "And the fact that I am going to be the one tasked with explaining to your mother how the two of you managed to get yourselves strung upside-down by your toenails while technically no longer being students at this school?" she said shrewdly. "I suppose that's all part of the honorary sibling contract?"
Fred and George grinned identical, mischievous grins. "Exactly," they both said.
Mairead wound up taking their advice and retreating to the library. She made a point of striking up conversation with her old supervisor, Madam Pince. She figured that if Umbridge would trust anyone's word that she was nowhere near the fifth floor corridor in the East Tower, it would be the forbidding, distinctly un-cozy librarian.
In retrospect, it was impressive to Mairead just how much pandemonium the twins were capable of creating all by themselves. Their final school prank - and their subsequent early exit - was all anyone could talk about for days afterward. Though aspects of the story were undoubtedly apocryphal, what was irrefutable was that Fred and George had conjured an entire swamp in Gregory the Smarmy's corridor. Mairead confirmed this with her own eyes when she took her usual route to class the next morning and had to turn back and find another way.
What had happened after that was less clear. It seemed that the stories Mairead had heard of Fred and George summoning their broomsticks - which had been held captive in Umbridge's office - and flying off into the sunset were true, for Mairead walked by Umbridge's office and noticed Filch installing a new door. The old door was leaning against the stone wall off to one side, two broomstick-shaped holes in it. But Mairead was less inclined to believe the rumors that they had swooped down on Umbridge, picked her up by her elbows, and flown with her across the grounds of Hogwarts before finally dropping her in the lake.
What was clear was that nearly every student had drawn inspiration from the two troublemakers. By Friday night, Mairead mused that it was almost as though Fred and George had been holding their fingers in the dam of mischief-making all these years, and now that they were gone, a maelstrom was raining down upon all of them, but none more so than Umbridge.
Students everywhere were calling out sick, setting off Dungbombs, and otherwise doing everything in their power to sabotage Umbridge.
Mairead had never been more proud of the student body of Hogwarts than she was now.
She was very grateful that the weather had finally turned warm, because she had taken to leaving the windows in her classroom and office constantly open to air out the smells of Dungbombs, smoke, and other vile odors that had permeated the air of Hogwarts of late. She did her best not to seem too gleeful at Umbridge's struggles, but on the other hand, the other Hogwarts professors did not seem to make much of an effort to stifle their giddiness when a staff meeting got cut short because a member of Umbridge's newly-created Inquisitorial Squad burst into the staffroom, bent double and gasping for air, to inform Umbridge that someone had turned a niffler loose in her office.
Peeves was delightedly leading the charge of mayhem. Mairead thoroughly disapproved of his cruelty towards Mrs. Norris, long having felt that it wasn't the cat's fault that her owner was horrid, but she did note with bemusement that Peeves's goals finally seemed to be in alignment with those of the Hogwarts faculty. Mairead was with Professor Flitwick on Friday evening, planning their travel to London for the meeting the next night, when they both learned that Peeves had unscrewed a valuable crystal chandelier and it had come crashing to the ground.
Flitwick had shrugged and simply said, "Ho-hum."
As Mairead slipped into bed in the small hours of the morning, it occurred to her that, with all the chaos and excitement around Hogwarts, she hadn't even had time to think about Remus.
Maybe I'm finally getting over him, she thought to herself as she slipped out of consciousness.
She was roused from a nightmare by a bang. Mairead's eyes flew open, her heart pounding. She could feel droplets of cold sweat trickling into her tangled hair. She sat up, listening intently for the source of the noise. Early morning light was filtering in through the windows. All seemed well. She supposed it was just another explosion of Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-Bangs, which had been very much in vogue of late, and closed her eyes again.
A pounding on the door to her private quarters quickly dispelled that notion. She jumped out of bed, throwing a cardigan on over her baggy t-shirt, and went to the door.
Professor McGonagall was there, her face pale and pinched.
"Mairead, you've got to come to London with me right now," she said breathlessly. "It's Remus. Sirius just sent me a Patronus. The transformation last night - something went wrong and he - Sirius says he's badly hurt."
Mairead barely took the time to change clothing. She and McGonagall ran for the gates of Hogwarts. The Hog's Head would not be open yet, and so the two witches Apparated instead, splitting the distance up along agreed-upon checkpoints.
Sirius was not waiting for them at the door when they arrived at Grimmauld Place. "He must be with Remus," McGonagall whispered to Mairead. Mairead nodded, already starting up the stairs for the third floor, the other witch close on her heels.
The door to Remus's room was standing open, and Mairead could see that lamps were lit and the fire was going. She bolted into the room, but stopped short at the sight that met her.
Remus was unconscious. His robes were hanging off him in bloody tatters, and Mairead could see blood staining the sheets beneath him. The parts of his face that were not covered in deep, bloody gashes were deathly pale.
Sirius turned towards her then and she saw barely concealed fear in his deep blue eyes. "He barely made it back here," he said, not bothering with a greeting. "He collapsed as soon as he walked through the door. It's lucky I had woken up to see him. Otherwise he'd be bleeding out in the entrance hall."
"Is - is this normal for him?" Mairead asked faintly. "For an unmedicated transformation, I mean?"
As soon as the question was out of her mouth it occurred to her that this was not normal. She had seen him twice the morning after a transformation without the Wolfsbane Potion. He had looked like he had been through the mill, but he had never looked like this.
"No," Sirius answered her question anyway, shaking his head. "I've only seen him this bad a few times."
"Unmedicated?" came McGonagall's voice from the doorway. "What do you mean, 'unmedicated'?"
Mairead closed her eyes. "Remus refused the Wolfsbane Potion this month," she said, her voice wavering as she spoke. "He doesn't want me brewing it for him anymore."
"What?" McGonagall gasped. "But that's preposterous!"
"You won't get an argument from me," said Sirius.
"We don't have time for this," Mairead said. "Sirius: I need you to go to my lab. On the shelves you should find Blood-Replenishing Potion and Blood-Clotting Solution. There should also be a stack of bandages. Bring me those, too. They have unicorn hair woven into them and should help."
Sirius dashed off without another word, McGonagall following close behind.
Mairead turned to Remus and pulled out her wand, unsure where to start. She took a step closer to him, her eyes sweeping up and down his body. It was immediately clear that she needed to get his clothes off, but he had bled so heavily in places that his robes were stuck to his body by congealed blood. She feared that he would start to bleed even more freely once she pulled the clothing free of the wounds.
"Oh, Remus, what have you done?" she whispered. She could feel tears welling in her eyes, but there was no time to shed them. Sirius and McGonagall returned presently, their arms full of the supplies Mairead had requested. Mairead took a breath and pulled herself together.
"Sirius, I need you to feed him the Blood-Replenishing Potion," Mairead instructed, stripping the cardigan off her back and tying her hair out of the way. "Professor McGonagall, I want you to pour some of the Blood-Clotting Solution onto a few of those bandages. Be ready by my side."
If someone had asked Mairead two years ago whether she would ever be bossing around an ex-convict and the Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts, Mairead would have laughed hysterically. But she had no time to dwell on politeness and deference now. She watched Sirius tip Remus's chin back and carefully pour the potion down his unconscious friend's throat. Mairead pointed her wand at Remus's throat.
"Anapneo," she incanted, ensuring the liquid went down the man's throat and not into his lungs. Mairead then said, "Diffindo," and carefully directed her wand to sever his robes.
The robes didn't so much fall away as slough off him, tattered as they already were. Mairead had to dislodge them in places, delicately pulling them free of puddles of blood and carelessly depositing handfuls of blood-soaked fabric onto the floor around her.
"Be careful, Mairead," came McGonagall's sharp voice. "His blood - don't forget that it's cursed."
"His blood isn't contagion-carrying," Mairead muttered as she worked. "It's his saliva that can infect you, not his blood." She pulled the last of the robes free and straightened. Her mouth went slack at the sight before her.
Remus's body was devastated. There were deep puncture wounds in his thighs and calves that were oozing blood, swelling, and turning purple with bruising. His torso was covered in so many scratch marks he looked as though he had been lashed with a cat o' nine tails. His right arm was bruised and at an extremely unnatural angle, and the right side of his rib cage was black with bruising. Worst of all, though, was the damage he had inflicted on his left arm and shoulder. It looked as though it had borne the brunt of the attack. His upper arm was viciously mangled, and Mairead could see the bone in places where he had torn the flesh away.
"Jesus Christ," Sirius breathed from beside her, taking in the same sight. "Mairead - his arm... can you save his arm?"
Mairead felt terror rise in her throat as she looked at the man she loved, and forced it back down. There would be plenty of time for fear and dread later. "His arm's not the priority," she said curtly. "We've got to make sure he isn't bleeding internally. It doesn't look like he targeted his organs, but..." Tearing her eyes away from Remus's arm, she turned to McGonagall. "Can you bring me a pot of boiling water and sterile rags, please?"
Mairead forgot to whom she was speaking. McGonagall gave the end of her wand a swish, like she was trying to shake water droplets off the end, and a pot filled with steaming water appeared on Remus's nightstand. Another gesture, and a pile of white cloth materialized next to it.
"Thanks. I need the two of you to help me wipe him free of blood. We need to see where the actual wounds are."
Each took a cloth, dipped it into the hot water, and set to work. Mairead joined them in clearing away the smeared blood until the first of the significant wounds became visible. Then she dropped her rag and set to work repairing blood vessels, restoring proper blood flow, and stitching together shredded muscles. She conserved her energy for closing up the larger, more serious wounds, ignoring the ones that would heal on their own.
They worked until the sun rose, streaming through the windows and lending them more light to work with. As horrible as Remus's wounds were, Mairead acknowledged to herself that they could have been much worse. He did not appear to have destroyed any of his internal organs. He had, however, broken three ribs, torn countless muscles, dislocated his right shoulder, and badly bruised one of his kidneys, most likely, as Sirius explained to her, by repeatedly throwing his body against the walls and door of his enclosure.
Once Mairead had ensured that Remus was not going to die from blood loss, sepsis, or multi-system organ failure, she turned her attention to his left arm, which was in a very bad way. The nerve damage Remus had caused was extensive, and she spent the entire day painstakingly working to restore sensation and functionality to the otherwise useless arm, several of Gus's old textbooks open and floating in midair in a semicircle around her head. There wasn't anything McGonagall or Sirius could do, and so she released them, instructing them to get some food and rest.
"I'd better inform Dumbledore of what's happened," said McGonagall. Then, eyeing Mairead closely, she said, "Are you going to be all right?"
"I'm fine," Mairead muttered vaguely, barely even listening as she hunched over her task, touching her wand to Remus's arm and sending small electrical impulses into him, peering down at his fingers for signs of movement.
McGonagall eventually left, instructing Sirius to inform her if her help was needed.
"What can I do?" Sirius asked, his voice low and uncharacteristically subdued.
Mairead sat back for a moment, wincing when her muscles protested the change in position. "Nothing," she said wearily. "You can go get some rest."
"Like hell," Sirius said dismissively.
Mairead sighed. "This is a one-person job, Sirius," she said. "Get something to eat or drink."
Sirius shook his head decisively. "No, I'll stay here."
Mairead bent to her task again. At first, Sirius just watched her work. Soon, though, he became so restless that he began jostling his knee up and down so frantically it was a blur in Mairead's peripheral vision. A few times a minute, he would sigh loudly, and eventually he got up and began pacing the room. Before long Mairead could not concentrate at all, so she instructed Sirius to clean out the smaller wounds that she had ignored and bandage them.
Mairead skipped the meeting that night. Though she knew they meant well, so many people interrupted her work, popping into the room to ask if Remus had regained consciousness, if she needed anything, if Remus was going to be okay, if there was anything they could do to help, that Mairead eventually posted Sirius at the door to turn Order members away before they could break her concentration.
The sun had long since set and the round, fat, waning moon had passed its apex in the sky by the time Mairead finally set her wand down and reached for the last of the bandages with the interwoven unicorn hairs, which she had saved for Remus's arm. She checked the rest of his wounds, force-fed him another Blood-Replenishing Potion, and then finally collapsed into the chair that Sirius had brought over from the desk for her.
"Is he going to be okay?"
Mairead looked over at Sirius. She could tell he had been holding the question back all day.
"We won't really know until he wakes," she said. Even her voice sounded bone tired. "I did my best with his arm, but I can't guarantee he'll have use of it. He did a lot of damage to himself."
Sirius sighed and passed a hand over his face. "I suppose it's at least good that it's his non-wand arm," he said. Mairead nodded, but was too exhausted to speak. "You should get some sleep," said Sirius. "I'll stay here and keep watch."
Mairead blinked hard and shook her head, forcing herself to sit straighter in her chair. "No, thanks. I want to be here in case he wakes or starts to run a fever."
Sirius eyed her. "I'd tell you that I can wake you if that happens, but I can see you're in no mood to negotiate," he said.
The two sat in silence, watching Remus, lost in their own thoughts. Mairead watched Remus's chest steadily rise up and down, as if he were sleeping. But he was not merely asleep. He still had not regained consciousness. He had not stirred once the entire time Mairead had worked on him. His face was still unnaturally pale, a fact which was thrown into sharper relief by the contrasting red slashes over so much of his body, and by the bandages, which were scarcely whiter than he was.
"What happened?" Mairead asked dully. Sirius stirred, coming out of his reverie with a grunt. "To Remus, I mean. What happened to make him do this to himself? Was it - is this some sort of buildup of violence from taking the Wolfsbane Potion for so long?"
Sirius's mouth was a tight line. "I don't think so," he said. "Remus never mentioned anything to me about a rebound effect from when he had taken the potion at Hogwarts. Plus... I mean, it's unlikely he could have survived this on his own, isn't it?"
A shiver went through Mairead at the thought of Remus not having anywhere to go after a transformation like this, of what could have happened to him if he had not had the strength to Apparate back here yesterday morning.
"You said you've seen him like this before," Mairead recalled. "What happened those times?"
Sirius was silent. Mairead looked over at him and saw that he seemed as though he were weighing whether or not to answer. Eventually, he said, "Do you remember the, er, the prank I pulled on Snape, my Fifth Year?"
Mairead nodded. "When you sent him after Remus on the night of the full moon, and James rescued Snape before it was too late?"
Sirius chuckled ruefully. "It seems to be my lot this week that I should look back on the various misdeeds of my adolescence." At Mairead's confused expression, he explained, "Did Harry tell you he broke into Umbridge's office this week to Floo me about something he saw in a Pensieve memory of Snape's?"
Even in Mairead's advanced state of exhaustion, she managed to sit bolt upright at this. "What?!" she gasped.
"Oh. Yeah," said Sirius carelessly, as though he did unspeakably reckless things like this every day of the week. "Seems Snivellus removed a few of his less pleasant memories and put them into a Pensieve to protect his wee little feelings from Harry when doing Occlumency. Left the room, Harry got curious, and, well. You know how it is."
Mairead did not know how it was, but she kept her mouth shut.
Sirius sighed heavily. "Anyway, back to the prank. James caught up to Snape and got him out of there before anything could happen, but not before Snape caught sight of Remus, mid-transformation. And Remus... he saw Snape, too." Sirius trailed off, and he brooded silently for a while before continuing. "We didn't go with Remus that night. We were too focused on damage control with Snape. So Remus had to go through the transformation, and the whole night, by himself."
Mairead closed her eyes. She could only imagine the anguish that must have gone through Remus's mind that night. The sense of betrayal, knowing that one of his friends had revealed his biggest secret to his worst enemy, the self-loathing of feeling like his friends saw him as nothing more than a circus attraction. The blind rage and impotent fury of being an unwilling captive to his own circumstances. When Sirius spoke again, she could hear in his voice that his thoughts were dwelling along similar lines.
"That night... wasn't a good night for Moony. We went and visited him in the Hospital Wing the next morning, as was our custom to dispel suspicion that we'd been with him the night before. Normally he'd be sitting up, a bit scratched and bruised and pretty tired, but otherwise his normal self. When we got there, though... there was a trail of blood smeared across the floor to his bed. We couldn't see him - the bed was curtained off - but Madam Pomfrey was frantic. We could hear Dumbledore's voice, as well as McGonagall's. We didn't know anything at the time, but we found out later on from Dumbledore that Remus almost died. He'd just... decimated himself. He had used to attack himself, you know, when he'd been shut up in the Shrieking Shack all alone, but it was nothing like this. It was like... like his self-loathing somehow got passed along to the wolf. Like his anger and misery manifested in the wolf and he just... he tried to destroy himself."
Mairead swallowed with an effort. "I'm sorry for bringing up such a painful memory," she said hoarsely.
Sirius shook his head. "It's been on my mind all day, anyway," he said. He frowned slightly. "Remus used to always say that there were two of him: himself - the Remus we all know and interact with - and the wolf. And they hate each other. Remus just... despises the wolf. And sometimes... it's like... they get into fights with each other. They just... they have it out. And it's always violent and it's always bloody and it always happens when there's some massive conflict in Remus's life. I remember the full moon after Jo left him was similar. And... after his mum passed and we reconciled, he - well, he told Lily, and Lily told James, and James told me - but he said that the first full after his mother had died was another bad one."
Sirius's eyes went to the unconscious form of his friend, then. Mairead's gaze followed. Silence fell again. Sirius's words rang in Mairead's ears. Remus had tried to destroy himself. The previous times this had happened, his self-hatred had grown so great and powerful that he had tried to destroy himself. As Mairead stared at the man on the bed, her thoughts inevitably turned to what must have been going through Remus's mind to bring him to have it out with the wolf again.
The answer arose in her mind just after the question. She knew it was her fault. She had done this to him. The turmoil in their relationship, the fight they had had, the anger and resentment she had inspired in him with her naïve and childish rant about sacrifice and the greater good, they were the reasons why Remus had done this to himself. It was her fault. It was all her fault.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sirius push himself down from the desk, where he had perched himself. He retrieved Mairead's cardigan from where it had been carelessly tossed over the bookcase and brought it over to her. It was then that Mairead noticed that she had been shaking.
"Er, let me wash up, first," she said quietly, pushing herself to her feet and heading into the en suite.
She turned on the tap and waited for the water to heat up. When she caught sight of herself in the mirror, she saw that there was not just blood on her hands. It was all the way up her arms, on her face, and in her hair.
Remus's blood.
Remus's blood was quite literally on her hands.
All at once, Mairead's strength and courage petered and went out. She felt her knees give out, and she slumped on the ground and began to weep helplessly.
Remus began to burn a fever late the next day. Sirius had made the mistake of nodding off, and when he awoke, Mairead was leaning over Remus, her face tight with concern as she dabbed a cloth against the undamaged parts of his chest. Remus's hair was dark and damp and his face shone with sweat. His breathing was ragged and there was a rattling in his chest that alarmed Sirius to no end.
"I must have missed something," Mairead muttered mostly, it seemed, to herself. "Maybe he punctured a lung and I didn't spot it?" She put down the cloth and then proceeded to run through every diagnostic spell she could think of. Eventually she pulled away from Remus and announced, "He's got an infection."
"That's hardly surprising," Sirius commented, trying and not entirely succeeding at masking his fear for his friend. "With all the wounds he gave himself."
Mairead nodded, looking distracted. Remus was shivering even as he burned up. Frowning, Mairead said, "I should've changed the sheets before now. I should have had him resting on a sterile surface."
"How were you supposed to change the sheets, Mairead?" asked Sirius. "He can hardly be moved, can he?"
Mairead nibbled on the tip of her thumb, then said, "We could levitate him off the bed."
Sirius liked that idea. He dashed off to the linen cupboard and returned with fresh bedclothes. Mairead made him levitate Remus while she changed the sheets, saying she didn't trust herself not to mess up the simple charm. Once the bed was made with fresh, clean linens, Sirius carefully lowered Remus back down onto the surface. Mairead fetched a pot of cold, clean water, and spent the next several hours tenderly pressing a cool, wet cloth to Remus's forehead, chest, and throat. Sirius regularly refreshed the water, but otherwise stayed out of Mairead's way.
Molly Weasley, Tonks, and even Dumbledore himself came by at various points throughout the day to see if they could be of help. Sirius still held onto plenty of resentment towards Molly over the way she had reacted to the revelation that Remus and Mairead had taken up together, but even he managed some begrudging appreciation for the meal she cooked up for them before leaving. Poor Tonks looked like she had not gotten much sleep the night before, and was clumsier than usual. Dumbledore said he would see about getting a fresh supply of unicorn hair from Hagrid and returned scarcely an hour later with a generous hank of silvery strands, defying Sirius's assumptions about how difficult it would be for the former headmaster to penetrate Hogwarts.
For her part, Mairead seemed scarcely aware that they had had any visitors during the day. When night fell, Sirius tried to persuade her to get some sleep, but she refused. He offered to make her a plate of the meal Molly had prepared, but she just smiled vaguely and shook her head. Around nine at night Sirius went down to the kitchen and brought Mairead a cup of broth. This was done against her wishes, and so Sirius was surprised when she smiled at him and accepted the cup.
"Oh, thanks," she said gratefully. Sirius then watched as she put a hand behind Remus's head and carefully tipped the broth down his throat.
"That was for you, Gryffindor," Sirius said, exasperation battling with fierce love at the sight of Mairead's single-minded devotion to Remus.
"I'm fine, thanks," she muttered distractedly, resting the mug on Remus's chest and catching a drip of broth that was escaping down Remus's chin.
Sirius and Mairead passed the night sewing the unicorn hairs Dumbledore had brought into a fresh stack of bandages. Fatigue made them clumsy, but Sirius found that just the brief contact his skin had with the unicorn hair while threading it through the fabric was healing enough to close any pinpricks he gave himself. When they finished, Sirius managed to persuade Mairead to curl up in bed beside Remus. He sat down in the vacant desk chair, which at least had a cushion on the seat. His backside was aching from sitting on the desk. Sirius was sure that Mairead would drop off as soon as her head hit the pillow, and he, himself, faded in and out of consciousness, but every time he startled awake, he saw that Mairead's eyes were open, gazing softly at Remus, watching for any infinitesimal change to his condition.
The next morning, Mairead announced that Remus's fever had broken, and that it was time to change his bandages. They carefully stripped off the old bandages, mindful of reopening any of the wounds they covered. Mairead carefully cleaned all of Remus's injuries. Sirius noticed that the skin surrounding some of them had become red and inflamed. He supposed those were the infected areas. Once all of the wounds had been cleaned, Mairead asked Sirius to go back to her lab and bring all the Essence of Dittany he could find.
On his way back to Remus's room, his eye caught on a clock on the wall of the third floor corridor. "Are you supposed to be teaching right now?" he asked Mairead when he returned, offering her the four bottles he had been able to find.
Mairead checked her watch. "Oh, I suppose so," she said indifferently. Without another word on the subject, she accepted the first of the bottles from Sirius and began coating Remus's wounds with the solution.
Sirius privately marveled at the tenderness and care she showed Remus when treating him. As the weeks had gone by and she had not reconciled with Remus, Sirius had begun to wonder whether Remus really had well and truly ruined things for himself this time. But looking at the way Mairead's fingers whispered over Remus's skin, the soft look in her eyes as she delicately dabbed the Dittany on the gashes on Remus's face, the way she briefly rested her hands over each freshly dressed wound, Sirius knew with certainty that Mairead's love for Remus was as strong as it ever had been.
If you play your cards right, Moony, you might win her back after this, he mused to himself.
Night was falling when Remus finally began to stir. Mairead, who had been lying beside Remus, stroking his hair with her fingers, sat bolt upright, staring at him almost fanatically. "Did you see that?" she hissed at Sirius.
"Yeah, he moved his head," Sirius confirmed, leaning forward.
As the two watched, Remus's brows came together in a fitful expression. He groaned. Mairead leapt out of bed and dashed off to the en suit, returning moments later with a glass of water. Sirius stood and got out of her way when she approached the bed. Remus groaned again. Sirius and Mairead both stood stock still, watching attentively.
Finally, after over a minute had gone by, Remus's eyelids fluttered and opened. Beside him, Sirius heard a sharp intake of breath from Mairead. He wondered if she was going to start crying, but instead she leaned forward.
"Here," she said softly, reaching for Remus. "Drink."
Remus made a move to sit up, but had barely moved his hands before he collapsed back onto the pillows with an agonized gasp.
"Don't try to move just yet," Mairead counseled him. "Just drink this." She slid an arm behind his head and shoulders and raised him up enough that he could drink the glass of water she still held in her other hand.
Remus gulped down the water in one long drink, then tipped his head back, panting for air.
Mairead drew back, holding the empty glass and watching him closely. "Would you like some more?" she asked.
Remus's reply was not what Sirius had been expecting.
"What are you doing here?"
Mairead blinked. "I'm sorry?"
"I said, what are you doing here?" His voice was a pained rasp, but Sirius could hear the dissatisfaction in his tone. He already looked more alert. But far from the beautiful moment of heartfelt reconciliation Sirius had been anticipating, Remus looked thoroughly displeased to see Mairead.
Mairead's shoulders shifted uneasily. "You were hurt," she said in a carefully guarded tone. "Sirius asked me to come."
Remus's eyes snapped over to Sirius's briefly, then returned to Mairead. "I'm fine," he said shortly. "Please leave."
Mairead let out a short, uncomfortable laugh. "You're not fine," she argued.
"We didn't know if you were going to live, Remus," Sirius spoke up then.
"Well, I did."
Sirius's temper flared. "Yeah - thanks to Mairead!" he said hotly. "Fine way to show your gratitude, kicking her out the minute you wake up."
"I didn't ask for your help," said Remus, glaring angrily at Mairead. "I didn't ask you to come here."
"No, Sirius did," Mairead responded, looking like she didn't know whether to smack him or break down crying. "You were too almost-dead-from-blood-loss to communicate your wishes, so forgive me for not reading your impenetrable mind."
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Now who's protecting without permission?" he said coolly. Mairead stared at him, looking like he had slapped her. Triumph flitted across Remus's eyes. "Doesn't feel too good to be on that side of things, does it, Mairead?" he said, sounding for all the world like he was taunting the girl.
Sirius looked over at Mairead. Her face had drained of what little color it had and her eyes were brimming with tears.
"Fuck you," she whispered as the first tears fell. "Fuck you! Is that what this was? Just some, some, some fucking stunt to get back at me? To get revenge? You - you nearly kill yourself, y-you tear yourself apart, you scare me half to death, you scare Sirius half to death, the entire Order half to death just so - so you can say, what? 'How do you like it?'" She stumbled back from the bed then, brushing a clenched fist over her eyes. "Fuck you, Remus. Fuck you!" she cried, her voice starting to rise. "Fuck you! God damn you to hell, Remus Lupin! FUCK YOU!"
She fled the room, slamming the door behind her with such force it made the flames in the fireplace gutter.
Sirius stared at the door for a long moment before turning back to Remus. Anger was lashing at him like a storm at sea. For an awful moment, the thought occurred to him that it would be extremely satisfying to give Remus a few more injuries to go along with all the ones he already had. The ones Mairead had lovingly treated, only to be castigated for it.
"What the hell was that?" he demanded. "You and I both know you didn't do this to yourself on purpose. Why did you let her think you did?"
Remus set his jaw stubbornly. "She's going to think whatever she wants to think," he said bitterly. "She always does. Nothing I say or do can stop her."
"You didn't try to stop her from thinking it, though!" Sirius argued. "You fed it right to her!"
When Remus didn't respond, Sirius breathed, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Remus refused to look at him, and this only made him angrier. "Do you have any idea how hard she worked to save your life? Do you have any concept of the lengths she went to in order to keep you alive? How afraid she was that she'd lose you? She dropped everything in order to come and be with you!"
"I didn't ask her to!" Remus snarled. "She did that on her own! She did that thanks to you!" He made another unsuccessful attempt to sit up. Sirius felt satisfaction curling sourly in his stomach at the obvious pain that was shrieking through Remus's nerve endings as he once again fell back in a heap.
"I see you're able to move your left arm," Sirius said coolly. "You know who's to thank for that? Do you have any idea the condition you were in when you got here? That arm was practically hanging on by sinew. She fixed it. And she didn't fucking do it for me. She did it for you and you know that perfectly goddamn well."
Remus turned his head away and glared at the fireplace. After a sullen silence, he bit out, "I'll thank her at the meeting tonight. Are you happy?"
Sirius barked out a laugh. "The meeting tonight? The meeting tonight? The meeting was on Saturday night. This is Monday night, Remus."
Remus's head whipped around and he looked at Sirius in surprise.
"Yeah," Sirius confirmed shortly. "You've been unconscious for three days. She's been working on you for three days. She missed her classes to tend to you. She hasn't slept. Any food I brought her, she just fed to you. She hasn't done a single fucking thing for the past three days except clean up your blood and reattach your muscles to your bones and spend an entire fucking day lining your ungrateful fucking nerve endings up so that you could still have use of both arms at the end of this. But sure. You didn't ask for her help, so fuck her, right?"
Sirius could see Remus's chest moving up and down more quickly as he took this in. "I don't know why she did that," he said softly.
"Yes, you fucking do," Sirius retorted. "You're just too much of a coward to admit it."
Remus's eyes flashed dangerously. Sirius knew Remus hated to be called a coward; any true Gryffindor did. But he was just angry enough that he wanted to push every last one of Remus's buttons, and so he added, "Don't think she'll be in much of a rush to do it again, though. So the next time you piss off the wolf because he's got more of a brain than you do, kindly ask him just to finish you off, will you? It'll make for easier cleanup."
Sirius glared at Remus, feeling his heart beating furiously in his fingertips. Silence stretched out between the two men. The anger in Remus's eyes faded to misery. His mouth was a tight line, and his throat bobbed up and down painfully as he looked around the room hopelessly. "The wolf is angry I ruined things with Mairead," he admitted hoarsely. "That's why this happened. He was punishing me..."
"You don't really seem to have learned your lesson," Sirius said harshly.
Remus closed his eyes in defeat.
Sirius could think of a thousand severe, cutting things he wanted to say to Remus. He knew he could easily hand the reins over to his anger and watch with satisfaction as Remus was ground into dust by his excoriations. It was certainly what he would have done when they were younger. But if the past week had thrown anything into sharp relief, it was that Sirius did not have much about his younger self to be proud of. And he had a godson to set an example for.
So even though Harry was not here to witness it, his godfather took a breath, let it out slowly, and said, "Look. Just... try to get some rest, okay? Get your strength back."
Remus's eyes opened, but he merely stared down at the bandages that still littered his body. He nodded without looking up.
"I'll go and bring you something to eat," Sirius said grudgingly. "Merlin knows I don't want to have to give you a sponge bath." He had intended the comment to be humorous, but Remus's mouth didn't so much as twitch. He was walking through the door when Remus finally spoke.
"The wolf loves her."
Sirius barked out a humorless laugh. "Right. The wolf."
Author's Note: Yeah... so... I'll just show myself out.
Song for this chapter: "Rock Bottom," by Hailee Steinfeld ft. DNCE (Mairead and Remus)