I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read and commented on this story, and how sorry I am that updates have not been more forthcoming. I think the truth is, this chapter was always going to be difficult to write, so I didn't want to. It is not the end of the story, but it will be heading in that direction.

A Cursed Choice

"So, when were you going to tell me that Dumbledore had a secret auror club?" James asked, as he threw a book at Sirius' head.

Sirius threw his hands up, narrowly dodging the flying copy of Hogwarts: A History. "I don't know what you're talking about." He claimed, looking swiftly around the common room.

"It's just us, I checked before I said anything."

"Oh." Sirius replied somewhat glumly. "When did you find out?"

"When Dumbledore told me to choose between Narcissa or joining his little club."

Sirius nodded in understanding. "This is why you were in such a mood when you came back from McGonagall's office? Dumbledore spoke to me about it…last year I think? Didn't give me all the details, just stated that my family would be a security risk. I told him I wasn't planning on having anything to do with them once I was old enough to leave home."

"And you were okay with that?"

Sirius looked at him as if he had just suggested drowning a puppy. "James, you, Moony and Wormtail are my family. Not those people I live with. They're a nightmare."

"No, I mean Dumbledore making you choose?" But Sirius continued to look at him as if he had grown a second hear.

"I think spending time with Narcissa has muddled your brain, Prongs. My family would be a security risk. What do you think would happen if they found out I was in the order? I'd be disappeared and tortured by death eaters until they found out every little detail. Or I'd be imperiused into carrying out their bidding."

"How would they find out though? I mean you've not told me any of this."

"I didn't tell you because Dumbledore made it extremely clear that if anyone caught wind of what was going on, he would hold me responsible. And he would take that as a sign of my unsuitability for the order. And I'm not saying I would tell my family, just that the closer I stay to them the more likely they would be to find out. The more difficult it would be if I ended up at opposing sides in a fight. I know you don't want to hear it, but he's right, both you and Narcissa would be at risk if you joined the order, and she was still part of the Black Family." Practically spitting the last part.

"I can't ask her to choose between me and them." And he knew he couldn't, not to live a life of wondering if he was ever going to come home. And what if he didn't? What if he died out there and she was left alone.

"Don't underestimate Narcissa, you need to talk to her about this, not make the decision for her."

"Yeah, no, I will." James responded half-heartedly, barely convincing himself let alone Sirius. "But why would she be a security risk? It'd only be me in the order."

"What are you thinking? You'd stay with her and just never tell her you were in the order? Or you would tell her, and just hope that she'd never slip up with anyone she is related to? All she'd need to say would be "James was working late last night," and they might put two and two together." Sirius did an oddly accurate impersonation of his cousin. "I know it's horrible. I do, but you'd be putting her as much at risk as you'd be putting yourself. It's not worth it."

"What would you do?" James finally asked.

"I'd be having this conversation with my girlfriend, firstly, rather than her cousin."

Which James thought was unfair, given that Sirius was his best mate first, and Narcissa's cousin second. But he was right in one regard, this was something he needed to talk to Cissa about. "How do I do that without mentioning the order though?" He said, not realising he had asked the question out loud.

"I don't know Prongs, don't mention the order just say Dumbledore thinks she would be a security risk if you were an auror."

"Maybe I should just play professional quidditch instead," he said, thinking back to a previous conversation with Narcissa.

Sirius didn't even answer him, just fixed him with a look that said he wasn't fooling either of them. And he wasn't, he knew he would never be able to sit on the side-line. He didn't know how anyone could when this war was ruining so many lives. The number of students who had lost family members was terrifying.

Narcissa looked down at the two journals in front of her, smiling again at her work. She couldn't wait to see James' face, although he was running late again. Honestly, maybe she should have got him a watch instead. Although he had seemed a bit burnt out recently. He constantly seemed to be distracted, she wasn't really buying that it was all about exams. Maybe he was planning some new complicated prank.

She should probably avoid the Slytherin common rooms if that was the case.

James finally shuffled into the room of requirement, a crate of butterbeer in one hand, and a basket of food in the other.

"You didn't need to get all this James, I've already had dinner," Narcissa said, as she went to help before the crate of butterbeer ended up smashing.

"Yeah, but I've not. Detention." He offered as a means of explanation before tucking into a ham sandwich. "Honestly, those house elves are the only thing keeping me fed."

"Hasn't that always been the case?" Narcissa laughed, "What did you do to end up in detention this time?" She was fairly sure James and Sirius had broken any detention related records years ago, but this was getting ridiculous.

James rolled his eyes "Second week in a row I've not done my transfiguration homework. McGonagall even threatened to revoke my quidditch captaincy next year if I didn't get a grip. As if quidditch is the problem. I mean we've got exams in a few weeks, why is she even bothering with homework!"

"Well, I might have a solution for if you get detention in the future and need to cancel," Narcissa charged on, James certainly seemed to be in a strange mood, but she was hoping this would cheer him up.

"You remember in charms when we were learning about the Protean charm?"

James just looked confused, "No," honestly, did he ever pay attention in class.

"It's a charm that links two objects?" Finally, she saw a flicker of recognition spark in James' eyes. "So, I linked these two journals. Anything you write in one, I'll be able to read in the other. When the journal changes colour, you know there's something to read."

Narcissa smiled as she looked at James it had been a difficult charm to master properly, and she couldn't help but feel proud of herself. Instead of being impressed, or happy though, James almost looked like he was going to cry. "Are you okay?" She asked, moving towards him.

"I'm fine, this is a great idea Cissa!" James responded a bit too forcefully to be convincing. When he smiled at her, it didn't reach his eyes.

"Something's wrong. What is it? Please don't say nothing again."

And just like that, James felt the pit at the bottom of his stomach widen even more. He needed to speak to her about the choice Dumbledore had given him, but he couldn't even think of how to start.

"Dumbledore came to talk to me, about career choices," He started, getting up to walk as he tried to explain himself. He didn't want to be looking at Narcissa when he explained this, didn't want to see how hurt she would be. "About me wanting to be an auror. And how us being together would be a security threat. He said that…that…"

"That you need to choose between being an auror or being with me?"

Narcissa seemed oddly calm.

"Or, that you would need to choose between me or your family."

"So, you've already chosen being an auror over me, and now it's my turn to see if I'm willing to ditch my family to come along for the ride?"

"What? No. That's not what I'm saying at all." Although the more James thought about it, the more Narcissa seemed to have a point.

"If I say no, that I'm not going to cut out my family so you can run off and play hero, then what?"

"You think I like this?" He snapped, "Do you think this is easy for me? I love you so much…but I cannot stand aside while this war goes on. While my friends fight and die. If I choose you, how long do you think it'll take before I start hating you for making me choose?" He could feel his anger leave him as he finished those thoughts, "And how long before you start hating me if I make you choose between me and your family?"

No…no this couldn't be how it ended. Narcissa could see her own anger mirrored in James' eyes. He hated this as much as she did.

"So, we don't choose. You go be an auror, I'll stay in touch with my family. No one needs to know the details. Fuck everyone who says we can't be together."

"I don't want you to get hurt because of me. I don't want them to use you to get to me".

"James I'm willing to take that risk."

"You're willing to risk your life, rather than leave your family?"

"If it was them making me choose, I would choose you every time. Because love shouldn't be about ultimatums, do you understand?"

And as she looked him in the eye, she saw that he did. Because it wasn't James saying these things, not really. It was someone else, who thought you could judge people because of their family.

And because she didn't know what more to say, she kissed him. James pulled Narcissa closer, until she was straddling him, and their bodies began to react to one another. As their clothes were quickly discarded, James hesitated for only a moment, checking that Narcissa was okay before they became one.

"You know I thought about it constantly when I was pregnant," Narcissa started. They had both lay there in silence, lost in all the questions they didn't want to ask. "I kept thinking about the world he was going to be born into. The family he was going to be born into. I might not have grown up in the most loving environment, but I felt safe. I wanted my baby…I wanted our child to grown up safe and happy and loved. I didn't want them to grow up scared that their dad would go out to work and not come back one day. Or worse, be raised by my parents because we'd both managed to get ourselves killed." She swallowed back her tears, determined to say what she had been feeling. She didn't want to look back on this and regret not saying enough. "I know you think you'd end up hating me if you gave up the fight for me. So don't give it up for me, give it up for you, give it up for a future with me. I'd rather have you alive and hating me, than dead and loving me." Because she had this awful, twisting feeling that this war would kill him. He was too goddamn valiant not to be in the middle of any fights that were to come.

With that she lay her head back down on the pillow, determined not to face James for whatever he would say next.

"I want all those things as well. But hiding on the side-line won't give us safety, or happiness. You need to fight for those things. What kind of person would I be if I didn't fight for the future. What kind of father would I be if I didn't fight for that for my children."

"The kind that's alive." She replied before pulling herself away from the bed. "Also, I'm not stupid. Dumbledore doesn't have a say over who becomes aurors, or who they are in a relationship in. The ministry has been compromised for years; it makes sense that the real fight is being fought outside of it."

She pulled her hand away, as James tried to grab her. Finally turning around, "But don't worry, Dumbledore's secret is safe with me." She said with a wry smile, knowing full well the irony of that. She felt cold though, there wasn't any coming back from this.

The two journals were still lying on the floor where she had left them, she picked them both up before throwing one on the bed beside James. "Keep it," she responded to his questioning look. "If you ever want to talk or need anything."

The silence was deafening. James had finally crawled out of the room of requirement, found Sirius, and told him everything. Now they were both sitting across from one another in silence. He really wished he had some firewhisky.

"Well, that's not how I was imaging it would go." Sirius finally added, rather lamely in James' opinion.

"Yeah, you thought she'd say screw my family. I'll ditch them so you can go be an auror."

"I thought she would choose you."

"I think if that had been the choice she would have. But it wasn't me that she was saying no to – it was me as a member of the order. She doesn't want that life." And I do, remained unsaid. Perhaps that was the curse of this sort of choice, no matter which one he went with, he would always be feel that it had been the wrong one. "I reckon…" He started, before deciding against voicing that thought.

But of course, Sirius asked, "You reckon what? Just say it – I can tell by your face that you've thought of something."

"I reckon if she'd never…if we'd never…she thinks like a mum now. I know we lost the baby, but she was saying she didn't want to bring a child into a life of never knowing if it's dad would come home. If she'd never been pregnant, I don't think she would be thinking like that."

Sirius half grunted in agreement. "No one wants to bring kids into this."

"So what? We just never have kids?"

"Suits me," Sirius responded, getting up to leave. "I'm sorry Prongs."