A/N: This is a really long fic and I'd apologize for it except I don't think it could've been any shorter so...oops? An introspective fic on all the times Donna had been proposed to over the years, from her point of view.
Heavily inspired by that one webisode where Donna and Rachel discuss someone asking her hand in marriage over the phone after a night out in spanish. (Third story in this one-shot)
Also I don't speak spanish so all the translation was from google take it up with them if it makes nooo sense to native spanish speakers.
As always, Darvey-centric, but mainly Donna-centric this time. Hope this helps ease all the suits fans who always wanted a deep dive on donna's love life. Critiques and reviews are always welocme Xxx
Proposals
The first time it happens, Donna is young, bushy-tailed and naive. She's 25, just recently finding her footing and flourishing at Pearson Hardman. She has a tight knit group of connections and networks in both the field of law and theatre and she's overpowering both of them, cunningly saving up or using her points of connections to get her what she needs and what she wants.
She had doubts about the balancing act she'd had to do with law and her passion for acting. Harvey playing hot and cold with how much he needs her as his secretary did have it's drawbacks but shes Donna- she's handled his fragile ego easily, countered every one of his abandonment fears and had proved to him time and time again that she isn't operating like he's her second commitment relative to theatre.
She'd managed to even get him on a high profile case that's putting him on the map at Pearson Hardman he's a big fish in a big pond now and she'd made it happen- used her connection at the D.A.'s office with Stacy to get the insider scoop on McAvail and managed to persuade Stacy to subtly let them know that Specter was available to take the case on if they wanted to go private and not public with their vendetta against the corporation of Ginsburts. It earned her appraisal from Harvey and a four figure bonus from Jessica.
She just got a second callback from Hawthrone & Company for the lead role in a play, she's friends with the casting director so she feels like a shoe-in with this off-broadway production and she knows the character like the back of her hand.
She's on a high, she's never been this fulfilled in all aspects of her life both professionally and personally, She's taking her nightly yoga and pilates classes, her body is reaping the benefits of her routine, and with all her work-related goals being hit simultaneously with her health ones she feels like a goddamn titan in black louboutin heels.
Not to mention her love life is a success- it's existing in the form of a year long boyfriend- Brad, sweet adjunct English professor at NYU, Brad Stelling. He's kind, has the soul of a poet, with warm brown eyes and a smile that greets her everyday and night as they cohabitate in their apartments. He waits up for her on late nights and bonds with her over love of Shakespeare, helping her out with her lines and giving her insight to the plays she thought she knew enough about but not nearly as much as he did with all his passion and research in his field. He lets her borrow his first edition books, and teaches her how to love them with every crack of the book's spine, every wrinkle of paper being turned. He shares his worries and his dreams and she shares her fears and her goals in between flannel sheets at his place, and the red couch at hers.
They fit like they're the exact same pieces of a puzzle. So on their one year anniversary, when she comes over to his place, taking off her louboutin heels, shedding the stress of handling Hardmen's asshat behavior and Harvey's trigger-response to it, she's a puddle of sap as she takes in the lit candles all over his breakfast nook thats platting a warm cooked meal of all her favorites of his (caprese salad, pasta, and chocolate molten lava cake). She squeals in delight and kisses him as a thank you.
Everything is falling into place.
So, it shouldn't have come as a shock, twenty minutes into their meal, with Donna twisting a bite of pasta onto her fork, when Brad suddenly said "I can't want any longer, I'm sorry." Half giddy, half nervously.
"Wait for what?" Donna chuckled as she moaned around the bite of pasta. "This is so- oh my god." Suddenly Brad was on one knee, dropped to the ground, pulling out a light baby blue ring box that Donna knows means Tiffany, and Tiffany on a teacher's salary in that tiny 2 by 2 area equals engagement ring.
"Oh my god." Donna repeated once more, a tinge of excitement in her tone. She didn't really think she even needed to think about it, this was of course the next step in their relationship, she loves him fully, and he loves her. What else could there be?
"Donna-"
"Yes!" Brad grinned, his smile splitting his entire face, he hastily rubbed a hand across his shaggy blonde hair as his brown eyes sparkled up at her. "At least let me finish the speech I wrote out in my head."
Donna nodded vigorously.
"Donna, I've spent a lot of years thinking a-" Before he could get the rest of his sentence out his fire alarm suddenly started beeping obnoxiously loud, cutting him off. The candles that had been burning all night had caused a lot of sudden smoke to travel to his kitchen.
"Shit. Shit, hold on a sec-" he got up and grabbed a kitchen tea towelette, frantically fanning it across his kitchen hoping to expel the smoke cloud that had formed while the beeping kept getting increasingly louder.
They were seconds away from the sprinkler automatically turning and Brad's sporadic maneuvering of the towel flapping in the air was not helping. Donna shook her state of surprise at everything that just happened out of her mind as she did the next logical thing: opening up all the windows in his apartment to let out the smoke. She got two windows up when the third one was jammed shut. "Brad- A little help here!" She snapped at him over the bellowing alarm as she kept pulling her hardest at the latch that was quite literally painted over white to appear less grimey thanks to the landlord. "Jesus this is literally a health hazard!" she mumbled under her breath as Bred lept from the kitchen to her side. He tried and she tried and nothing would get the damn thing open. Brad got the bright idea to head back over to the kitchen to somehow jimmy it open with a knife, perhaps peeling the paint would help he'd said.
Before he even got to the drawer, they lost the battle as the sprinkler got set off and Donna shrieked as water fell all over them.
Brad and her connected eyes, and it dawned on Donna that she just got proposed to by the love of her life.
Well, half proposed to.
Brad seemed to share similar sentiments and the absurdity of it all got caught in his throat and suddenly they're both laughing, shaking their bodies and holding on to their stomachs as they try to get a grip in the midst of all the chaos. Their laughs petered into chuckles and Brad's gaze suddenly turns serious, the love she's come to be familiar with shining in his eyes as he bent down on one knee, shrugged his shoulders, his blond hair matted on his forehead a shade darker now, his knit navy sweater sticking and molding itself across his toned body, as he finally asked. "Donna Paulsen will you marry me?"
Donna felt her breath hitch her eyes water as she flipped a strand of wet hair across her shoulder and nodded her response. "Yes!" Brad grinned again, lept off the floor as she came crashing into his arms.
She said yes and the beeping finally stopped.
Everything was falling into place.
She went to work the next day, eager to show off her ring to everyone. Louis, Jessica, fellow secretaries Jennifer and Winona, hell even Norma.
Harvey was another beast on his own. She knew she'd have to tell him first but she honestly had no idea how he'd react. He'd never met Brad, (thanks to her handy work) and she knew he'd feel threatened because no matter what was going on between them, he felt a certain sense of claim over her as his secretary and she knew he'd have some form of grudgement against her being engaged- at the very least she's expecting a quip about wedding planning not getting in the way of their work.
She walked into his office, and barely had a chance to get the beginning of her speech rolling, just uttering his name softly, when her ring glistened sharply in the sun rays beaming into his office, forming its own rays that bounced around in his office. It caught both of their attention and she saw Harvey's entire demeanor tense up, his eyes turning soft as he caught a glimpse of her ring and he swallowed something down his throat.
They both stared down as her ring kept shining, forming glistening rays in his office that danced around illuminating under the sun.
He knew.
She still spared him the hurt of having to address it first, and continued on with her rehearsed speech.
She expected him to throw a quip or two of annoyance, but she never expected him to show no real emotion.
"Congratulations." His tone was dry, barely amicable, the same tone he uses with Louis when he goes on for too long about his orthodontist's success with his brace issues.
"That's all I get?" She joked lightly, hoping she could get more sincerity out of him. He simply shrugged, his eyes meeting hers. "Are you happy?"
Donna nodded, "Yeah, I'm really happy."
"Then I'm happy for you." A beat passed with their eyes still boring into one another, before he looked back down to his files.
He goes on to be a dick to everyone that day, including her, and it took her all day running around like a chicken with its head cut off doing all his errands and filing work before finally confronting him about his piss poor attitude.
She stormed into his office and Harvey had his back to her, staring at the view from his office. "Not now Donna."
"Yes, now Harvey. What the hell is wrong with you today, you've been in a mood all day, you made Jessica mad at you, you made Louis cry, and you've been nothing but an ass to me all fucking day long!"
Harvey sighed as he whirled around to finally face her. Donna threw her hands up in the air exasperated. "Well? Are you going to explain yourself?" He frowned at her, like he was confused with her statement.
"Where'd your ring go?"
She blinked in response. "What?"
"Your ring, it's not there anymore." he pointed at her finger and she's taken back by him noticing it gone, she'd forgotten about it herself till now.
"Oh, I was going through the boxes of files and it felt like it was about to fall off so I took it off. It's in my drawer. Now back to the main point."
"No main point Donna." He went on with a sarcastic tone, high as he belittled her annoyance with him. "Look, I'm sorry if I came off standoffish and prickly today but I'm not one of your bridesmaids to be so I don't have to be -"
"You better take that back right now, otherwise you're an even bigger asshole than I thought you were." Donna's voice had an edge of defensiveness to it.
Harvey sighed, closing his eyes tightly. Rubbing his face before nodding minutely. "I am. Taking it back. I know I've been a dick it's just-" he eyed her naked ring finger and Donna rubbed it before clasping it with her other hand, obscuring his view from it as she felt self conscious all of a sudden.
She nodded slowly, knowingly. "You're bothered by it right?"
Harvey shrugged helplessly. Not a response. "I don't want to lose this."
"Lose what?"
"Marriage donna, changes things." he said sourly with a bit of a scoff. "You're… settling down with the guy, marrying him. Things will change- this," he gestured between them.
"Will not change. Harvey this isn't the goddamn fifties! I'm not quitting and unless you're planning on firing me we're still going to work together. Nothing has to change."
Harvey seems hesitant to believe her. Maybe she was being a little too optimistic or naive, some things will change. Of course they will. It wouldn't be the same, he'd have to be less of a priority but she didn't want to think of that now, she just wanted him to be happy for her. To understand that this wasn't something to be threatened by.
Something in her face must've compelled him to agree with her, maybe it was the confidence in her eyes, maybe it was her persuasiveness, or maybe it was just her desperation for it to be true. Because he simply nodded then, swallowing back whatever impulse response he had, as if to appease her.
"Ok. If you say so. I'm sorry again. Really. I am happy for you." He smiles a modicum off a smile and Donna nodded, sending him a small yet genuine smile as she saw the effort he was putting in for her.
"Thank you."
Later on that day she opened up her drawer and stared at the engagement ring. Princess cut, dainty, beautiful.
She didn't put it back on.
She walked all the way home, clasping the ring tightly in her palm and only put it on when she was in the elevator, wringing out and flexing her fingers, getting used to the feeling of it on her finger again.
When she enters her apartment greeting Brad with a kiss and a smile, her ring is back in its rightful place.
Everything begins to fall apart.
Work became increasingly more stressful, things starting to fly off the rails as Hardman keeps trying to push Jessica's buttons for having Harvey be her guy, testing him at every right corner blatantly making his- their- job ten times harder than it already is.
Her play was on pause, she never got the answer she wanted from the director because funding at the last minute was pulled out, so ipso-facto who gives a shit if she did get the part the role is nonexistent.
And Harvey had been… weird. Testy and nervous all the time around her. Like he's savoring every moment they have, like she's dying the very next day, vanishing from his life. He balanced out his awkwardness by doing a full 180 and putting so much distance between them she may as well have died, stilting any advances to talk to her outside of the realm of work, avoiding eye contact when he can, mumbling goodbye to her or ignoring her completely at the end of the day.
To top it all off her and Brad had been… different.
What once was a nice union of two mirrored souls had changed into one with cracked fractures all over it.
She thought they were on the same page, with same ambitions and goals but they seem to be on different chapters of the same book.
She wanted a long engagement, to fully get settled into the newness of this factor of the relationship, to take the time to meet each other's parents again and meld their families. He just wanted to marry her already. She wanted the right wedding at the right place with the right color scheme that represents them as a couple. He just cared about their wedding being special to them and their families.
She doesn't even know what their colors would be.
Would they be seafoam green and a pale blue?
Different shades of white and peach?
Perhaps a deep brown to represent Brad's dark academic look and general coloring and she'd simply be the offsetting classic ivory white.
She should know. It's futile and stupid but she feels like she should.
She thinks of her mom and dad and how their colors would be shades of light orange teetering on a peachy white with hints of blue everywhere.
She thinks of her best friend Margret and her long term boyfriend George, and how they'd be theatrically outside of the box with no white or pastels involved at all, just shades of intense navy blue and deep burgundy.
She doesn't let herself think too much about it, but when she goes down the list of relationships, she does think of her and Harvey, and she immediately knows the answer. The colors would be grey and purple. Grey like the moral ambiguity he works in on a daily basis, grey like the color of her favorite suite of his that they both know makes him look extra handsome, more in control than any of the other shades of Tom Ford he owns, grey like the tips on the side of his hair he'll eventually have one day, adding to his rugged look.
Grey like the silk tie and jacket he was wearing the other time.
It'd be grey and a light shade of deep pastel purple that looks like it belongs in the grey, offsets it just so with its own set of lighting that goes so well with that specific shade of grey it feels as if the purple was pulled from that exact shade of grey.
It would represent them quite nicely. Whatever them they were.
What hurt her heart and caused an ache in her soul was when Brad and her were discussing their future in hushed tones, in bed, wrapped around the white sheets at Donna's place, going over their wedding and their marriage in excited tilts, imagining their lives that they were about to start together.
She's not sure how it hadn't come up before, not sure how they got this far in, a year into their relationship and almost a month into their engagement till either of them brought it up.
"And then we can have kids and move outside of the city. Maybe a shitty brownstone we could rent. If it has the white picket fence and all." He snorted, knowing no such thing existed. Neither a brownstone his salary and hers could afford, nor a perfunct white wooden fence that would ever surround a brownstone.
"What?"
"Well yeah, we wouldn't want to raise our kids in the city would we? I mean.. I've met some of those kids in my classes and I really don't think I could handle birthing someone so… eccentrically new york. They're jaded beings outside the realm of Manhattan."
"You want to have kids? And move outside of manhattan?"
"Not immediately but… eventually. Do you not want kids?" Brad hesitantly raised his upper back so he was no longer laying across from her.
"I- '' Donna hesitated. "I don't know. I never really thought about it. How soon would you want kids?"
"Well.. maybe like after two years of marriage?"
Donna swallowed, nodding slowly, trying to gather her wits about her. She felt like they weren't even in the same book anymore.
"So in two years time, you'd want to be a parent?"
"well.. . yeah."
"Ok this is good we should talk about this more, um," she got up slowly resting her weight on her knees, tightening her robe across her waist as she faced him "What else do you picture us doing?"
"Well… We'd be living in a suburb near Manhattan so we could both commute to work easily. I'd hopefully be working my way up to a full time position as a professor at NYU. Maybe even become a head of my department one day. You'd be an amazing successful actress, maybe teaching at a theatre company part time too. In between all that we've had a pretty good marriage I'd say-"
He jokingly bragged and Donna smiled. "Oh the best one I've had by far." He laughed at that.
"And maybe you get pregnant after a few fun practices. Girl or boy I don't care as long as they're healthy. You'd stay with the kid for a while on maternity leave, and we'd raise them in our house, teach them the right books to read, what songs to listen to- absolutely no Radiohead in our household." He quipped and Donna let out half a chuckle, her throat feeling dry and her eyes turning misty with every descriptor he threw out.
"You have our whole lives mapped out huh?"
"No, not necessarily. What do you see?"
She doesn't know how to respond, doesn't know what she sees, can't really see that far ahead.
"I see that I'll love you, always. That.. we probably still live in Manhattan for the first few years of our marriage at least. Maybe we get a place in the west side. I see you, happy with your job and you're a full fledged faculty member- maybe finally writing your book. I see me, happy with you, still working at the firm and pursuing my acting, getting plays and yeah, it'd be nice to have a more concrete role in the theater. I don't know about teaching but maybe."
"So.. no kids?"
"Maybe kids. I really don't know. I just know I definitely don't want them when I'm twenty six or twenty-seven, still figuring out my career. And I don't think I'd want to move to the suburbs-" ever "for hypothetical children in our first few years as a married couple."
"Oh."
"Is this a dealbreaker?"
"No- god Donna no. We'll figure this out along the way ok?" He smiled at her reassuringly, but Donna felt like she could see a hint of panic in his eyes, a hint of disappointment he was trying to hide.
"Okay." Her voice rang hoarsely with a false sense of happiness, shaking as she tried not to react emotionally. He kissed her forehead and she laid her head on his chest.
It felt a lot like an impasse, like irrevocable differences as she realized he wanted more than just a change in relationship status, and she wanted more of the same just in the confines of a marriage.
It felt a lot like a goodbye.
Everything fell apart in the following day, as Donna realized Harvey's point had come to fruition.
Brad may not have wanted her to be a housewife embodying Betty Draper, but he was ready to settle down in a way she wasn't.
She was ready to love him, ready to declare herself his, but she wasn't ready for all that entailed within the role of forever he wanted.
She cried herself to sleep for the following weeks after her engagement was broken off. It was the first time she'd experienced firsthand how love sometimes wasn't enough.
She dreamt of colors- of deep brown, ivory, and grey and purple all whirled around in a mess.
She didn't have to tell Harvey it was over, not like her mother who told her she was so sorry, her dad who jokingly offered to beat him up, nor Margaret and George who sympathetically smiled at her, or worst of all her god damn facebook status, that riddled her private message inbox with questions and insincere apologies.
He simply knew. She'd had a more quiet demeanor all day, less bubbly or assertive, more demure and mundane, words not used to describe Donna at work.
He'd offered her drinks in his office, and she limply smiled a sure, walking on over to her place in his office, plopping down waiting for her drink.
He'd noticed it halfway through the work day, how her hand had the absence of its newly usual glint of a tiffany diamond.
He knew that, coupled with this inexplicable sadness tinged with resolvement in her, meant it was over.
"I'm sorry." He whispered hoarsely, hoping he could convey the sincerity in it, as his hand clasped around her wrist, his thumb rubbing soothing circles around her delicate bone. He meant it. He never wanted her to get hurt.
Donna simply sent him a watery smile as her eyes turned misty and she mouthed a thanks before taking a sip of scotch to cool her down.
"I told you nothing would change." he didn't comment, simply filled up her tumblr once more as Donna realized the truth in her sentiment. She'd continue working for him, she'd still live in the city, they could hangout, flirt, do it all really. Harvey could still call her whenever he needed to at midnight or six in the morning. Her life could stay the same. They could stay the same.
Nothing would change, and maybe that was a silver lining.
. . .
The second time it happens, she's not so naive. She doesn't go as far as contemplating her wedding colors, nor does she go as far as agreeing in the first place.
The second man to propose to her was Ben. Ben who she dated for all of six months, who was eight years her senior (38, on the brink of 40 and a midlife crisis). She'd suffered the jokes from Harvey constantly calling Ben an old fox, berating her on the daily with newly made up jokes about her dating grandpa, "is he ok staying up that late" he'd tease, and despite her snapping back he was only 6 years older than Harvey, it didn't stop the jokes.
Ben was mature, he'd been through the hardships in life, knew not to be naive, knew how to handle the rough tumbles that came at him with a level of grace, kindness and fairness she thinks only comes with age. He was exciting, adventurous, sometimes even Donna felt like she could barely keep up with him.
He was a sensible, handsome financial advisor with smoldering blue eyes and a head of hair that you wouldn't assume a senior partner at a hedge fund could pull off, but he did. Shaggy black hair with curls that Donna loved to run her hands through.
He proposed to her out of nowhere, after he took her to a Prince concert.
They stumbled into her apartment drunkenly making out with another, tearing each other's clothes off as they made their way into her bed.
After a round of pent up passionate sex, he'd laid leisurely catching his breath while Donna got up, cleaning up the pile of clothes they'd left in their trail.
When she picked up his leather brown jacket, it fell out of the pocket. A blue velvet box with the classic golden embroidered H for Harry winston.
"Oh my god." Donna clasped it in her hand, forgoing the jacket as she looked down in shock at what she's just found, standing in her bedroom still naked as the day she was born minus her white cotton panties she still had on.
Ben peeled an eye open and jumped out of bed. "Shit, you weren't supposed to see that."
"I wasn't?"
"You were, just not yet. I was saving it, for when the time was right."
"You were?"
"I was."
"And now?" Ben smiled slightly to himself, loving how she was always negotiating with him, pushing and pursuing him to reveal his thoughts to her. She may not have been a lawyer but she had the golden tongue that lawyers were gifted with.
"Now… is as good a time as any."
Ben slowly bent down to one knee and Donna's eyes widened. She put one hand up to stop his speech before he started. "Is this about you turning forty soon? Because this feels like another midlife crises moment and you told me to let you know when it stopped being-"
"It is not a midlife crisis" he snapped, slightly exasperated if not irritated at her glossing over his feelings. He usually loved when she did her Donna thing, but not when it came at the expense of his feelings.
"Then what is this about?"
Ben frowned. "This is about me, loving you. This is about me wanting us to have nights like these all the time, I want everyday and every night to be with you, like this- perfect."
Donna had to bite her lip from screaming they hadn't even exchanged keys yet. They hadn't slept consecutively in each other's places, hadn't been dating long enough, had just barely told one another 'I love you'.
Donna felt sometimes like maybe he was older than her in many ways- more than just a decade or so because her relationship with him, while exciting and loving and mature in a way her other relationships hadn't been, was always on the race track. He was going lightening fast with everything, their first date had been a weekend long getaway in the hamptons, she met his mom one week into the relationship, he hinted that he'd been in love with her barely two months into their dating- and Donna enjoyed all that except sometimes she felt like a shiny red car in his eyes, something he had to lock down before he turned forty to justify his life.
He was rushing into the next chapter of his life and he wanted to put roots down- into her. It was always a fleeting thought she pushed away, convinced it was just Harvey's voice speaking into her ear, but now, staring down at him on her bedroom floor, proposing, with the ring from the jeweler of the century, she felt her limbs go numb and her ears ring loud at the idea that maybe it was true, maybe their relationship is on the fast track because his light had been red then yellow all his life and now it was on green, ready to go through all the relationship's monuments till they hit the big one- marriage. Not because she was the right one, but simply because he was ready.
"Donna, will you marry me?"
He slowly took the ring out of the box, held it up between his index and thumb, and she had to admire the beauty of it- a lavish 2.9 carat diamond with a sharp square cut and encrusted detailing on the surrounding. It was gorgeous.
"I…Ben," she didn't know how to articulate it, how their relationship suddenly felt like it didn't fit right for marriage, how he was wonderful and amazing and sexy and fun and mature, but not for her, not in the long term.
She wasn't sure why seeing the ring solidified all these intrusive thoughts but it was true.
"Just- I know, this is out of nowhere, and you need time to think about it, please, just please, think about it ok?"
Donna nodded, avoiding his blue eyes because they'd pierce into her soul and she'd feel compelled to say no right now, to show no mercy as he upped the pressure she'd feel in her chest at the thought of committing to marriage with him.
He kissed her cheek and clasped her hand softly in his while passing her the ring. "Keep it. Look at it while you think on it. Have a feeling it might side in my favor." he joked humorlessly through a choked voice as he put on his pants and gathered his shirt and jacket off the floor. Before he left her room she whirled around clasping his wrist in her hand. "That wouldn't be why I'd say yes. The ring… is beautiful, but it wouldn't be why."
He nodded slowly, understanding she was conveying all the flash and lavishness that comes with him is not a swaying point. It's one of the reasons he fell so fast in love with her.
"I know."
She looked at the ring for a long time after he left, eventually trying it on, and it fit perfectly, not like the last ring she had on, when Brad had to take it back in to resize it for her because he was guessing blindly on her ring size.
No, Ben knew what he was doing, had been around the block enough times to probably discreetly steal a ring from her dresser, to have it sized up at his jeweler at Winstons.
She gave him the courtesy the next day to meet with him mid afternoon at his place to give him back the ring. "I'm sorry." she said sincerely not relishing in breaking up with him this way. She didn't see their relationship ending like this- ending at all truth be told, but she didn't think she'd have to end an engagement before it even started when their relationship would be over.
"I understand." he said around a sigh and Donna sniffled slightly, hating that he was being mature and level headed even now. It was one of the things she loved about him.
"Hope you don't hate me for skipping out on your play next week." Donna smiled wryly at him.
"I'll understand. This time." she quipped back giving him a kiss on his cheek before leaving his place.
It took her less time to get over Brad, than she thought it would, the guilt being more prominent of a feeling than anything. She wasn't as invested emotionally in their relationship as he clearly had been, and while she mourned the loss of a truly amazing relationship, she knew she'd made the right choice.
On her opening night, after a rave successful start to her play, Harvey and her grabbed some falafel wraps from a cart as he walked her home and she enticed him to grab a quick drink before he headed back to his place.
"God- and that guy what was his name again?" Harvey let out a laugh as pictured him in his head, as they walked into the threshold of her apartment.
"Buturs."
"Butrus- you mean that's his character's name in the play?"
"Nope." Donna popped her p, her eyes wide gleaming at him with amusement as they both laughed at the same time.
"God what else could he be besides in shakespeare plays"
"I have no idea. But I feel bad when I picture him in third grade with that name."
"I can't believe we're even talking about this when the real star of the night was obviously-"
"Me?" Donna let out an airy sigh, her brows raised in smugness as Harvey rolled his eyes. "Try Kevin!"
Donna let out a surprised laugh at that, Kevin being the stuffed bird prop that fell out of nowhere and she'd tried incorporating into the scene.
"Let me just put away my stuff and I'll make us some drinks." Harvey nodded as he watched her enter her bedroom and he took a quick glance at her couch before sitting down. He let his hand stretch across the back of her couch, before something spotted his eye.
It was a finicky cardboard, sleek and matted navy, and Harvey knew that box- had been living as part of the upper crust New York elites long enough to recognize Harry Winston's signature on it.
Part of him thought god did she buy it herself? Because he doesn't want to be rude but he doesnt think Donna could afford to spend money like that on jewelry and if it wasn't her it had to be him, which he was definitely going to tease her about.
He asked her about it when she came back, holding the flimsy cardboard that once held the velvet box in it. "Care to explain yourself, or will my bank statement fill in the blanks next month?" He smirked jokingly at her and Donna narrowed her eyes, freezing for a second before snatching it out of his grasp.
"So, scotch?" She asked as she moved towards her drinking cart, pretending he hadn't just inquired about it.
"Donna?"
She sighed, her back still facing him as she fiddled around with bottles. "It was Brad's."
"Brad? Silver fox guy?"
Donna rolled her eyes at the nickname and the fake pretending to ponder on who Brad was. She knew he remembered.
"He.. he proposed." She said nonchalantly, willing her voice to not waver as she continued pouring ice and the McCallen she had into their perspective drinks.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"When?"
"Two weeks ago. I said no." She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.
"Why?" He asked, his tone half bewildered, half struggling not to sound choked up with relief.
Donna whirled around placing their drinks down in front of them on the coffee table, slightly surprised he was inquiring when she knew he was happy she said no. Harvey doesn't like change.
"I couldn't see myself with him.. Living with him. Honestly, the more I look back at our relationship the more I realize it was more fun than anything else."
"So…you're ok?" He asked tentatively, unsure how to navigate the idea of her having possibly been engaged, or almost engaged a week ago, with him none the wiser as they went on with their daily work, as he went to her play and spent the entire night tonight just hanging out with her like they always did. He feels slightly stilted, not knowing it had happened but he figured he would be as lost with the information as he is now, not sure where to categorize it in his mind.
Donna smiled sensing his unease. "I am. I will be. Honestly I just felt a little guilty. Like I led him on or something."
"You didn't."
"How would you know?"
Harvey shrugged. His hand clasped around his tumblr. "I know you." Donna smiled, his comment tugging at her heartstring.
. . .
The seventh guy to propose to her, third with a ring and all, was Raul. A hot spanish yoga instructor she met at a night out that resulted in him drunkenly proposing to her.
She was drunk out of her mind too, had no idea what he'd said as he spoke in rapid spanish but she figured whatever it was sounded so hot and passionate and Donna was up for anything seven shots of tequila in. She took one look at his tanned toned arms gesturing around and she figured, what the hell, so she responded "si" and he yelled happily "Si?!" and they made out on the dance floor, then the couch at the nightclub's VIP section, then at his place, in his bed, after a glorious round or two of foreplay that may or may not have involved a few sextoys Donna hadn't familiarized herself with but thoroughly enjoyed. Still Donna snuck away in the morning, hungover and slightly ashamed while also happy with the ache between her legs and the fun memories she had of that night.
Except she went to work with over 10 voicemails frantically yelling at her in spanish and she had no idea what they meant.
"Oh hey Rachel, I need your help with something."
"You're Donna, you never need help." Rachel narrowed her eyes teasingly as Donna came over to her in the library.
Donna rolled her eyes at her. "I don't speak spanish."
"Te quieres?"
Donna deadpanned at her, her eyes going wide to reiterate her point "I don't speak spanish. Can you translate a voicemail message for me?"
Rachel sighed, a tilt to her head as she smiled at her "Who's it from?"
"I met up with this guy last night, he doesn't speak any english."
"Well then, how'd you talk to him?"
"I don't need words to communicate." Donna slyly raised a brow and Rachel raised one back in surprise.
"So you-"
"No!" Donna laughed out her denial "Okay, yes. But just a little bit." she gestured a tiny amount of space as she moved her index and thumb finger apart.
She paused a second, looked at her hand, and added some more space to convey a lot more than a little.
Rach frowned in curiosity "What does that mean?"
"Can you translate?" Rachel huffed in response, an amused smile on her face as she brought the phone to her ear.
"He says he's never met anyone like you before. He says your hair is like the color red like the fire in his heart. I'm not mistranslating that." Donna grimaced slightly at that.
"Oh my god! He wants you to marry him!" Rachel exclaimed loudly, and Donna shushed her, despite the fact they were alone in the library.
"Give me that." She grabbed her phone back from Rachel's hand.
"Are you gonna call him back?" Rachel's eyes eagerly widened like a puppy waiting for its treat.
"No, I'm blocking his number."
"You're just gonna leave him hanging like that?" Crazy or not, that seemed a bit harsh to Rachel.
"You obviously have never been proposed to by a guy you just met who doesn't speak the same language as you."
"Wha- you have?!" Rachel asked bewildered, not believing the conversation they were having at eight am in the morning on a Tuesday.
"I've seen more diamonds than De Beers." Donna quipped back, slightly joking, slightly not.
"You've been engaged before?" Donna nodded absentmindedly as she kept scrolling her phone for the block button. "Have you ever been married?" Rachel asked with the same excited and surprised tone that Mike usually had with Harvey in regards to… well everything.
"Mmm not in the continental United States." She poked fun at Rachel, technically she wasn't lying she had gotten drunkenly married at the altar in Vegas, but they never filed the paperwork and it ended up not counting.
"Who are you?" Rachel exclaimed with awe and fear in her eyes.
"Who am I not?" Donna winked.
"Wait a minute, who left the message again?"
"Raul, the yoga instructor."
"The yoga instructor I introduced you to on Monday?" Rachel squeaked and Donna winced sheepishly embarrassed and annoyed at her tone and look of judgement. She knew it was mainly lighthearted with a tinge of jealousy since Rachel confessed she'd had a tiny crush on him.
"It was monday night, I got bored!"
"Eress pelirrrojo por naturaleza?"
"What does that mean?"
"Nada!" Rachel replied while sashaying away from the conversation.
Donna frowned, convinced she was just insulted in Spanish by Rachel.
"So how many rings has it been now?"
Donna yelped at Harvey's voice appearing from nowhere, clutching the phone to her heaving chest as he snuck up on her from behind the shelves, smirking at her as he leaned his bodyweight against the shelves holding all the books for R-S.
"Jesus Harvey! Scared the lights out of me."
"Raul was it? Does that make it six, ten?" Harvey teased, pondering outloud, genuinely inquiring about her elicit number, as he grew excited at the prospect of getting an answer out of her.
"Nice try. And technically speaking Raul didn't show me no diamond ring.. Well, not traditionally anyways." Donna slyly smirked to herself fondly remembering the night before, till her eyes connected with Harvey's slight frown and she cleared her throat, remembering he wasn't Rach, and this wasn't a gabfest over their sex lives.
"What does that even mean?"
"Figure it out Harvard law." Harvey chuckled, rolling his eyes at her. "You know you made her poor head explode with all the info." He grabbed the book he must've been in here for as he strolled closer to her, gesturing for her to follow him as they made their way back to his office.
"Well she's gotta learn the power of Donna somehow."
"Oh you mean how she's like a black widow collecting broken hearts and diamond rings all over Manhattan?"
"I prefer: whimsical mistress with a heart of gold that can't be sold. It has a nice ring to it." Harvey snorted at her response.
"Bet Raul doesn't think so."
"Oh please, Raul will be fine."
"Paulsen, are you underestimating yourself?" He whispered teasingly, cockily into her ear and she fought back a shiver at his words.
Donna felt herself suck in a shallow breath as she let her eyes meet his smoldering ones, teasing her with the raise of his brow and the smile lines around his eyes.
"I think we both know I estimate just right."
. . .
Donna's last time contemplating her love life through proposals, happens on a Thursday night.
She's laying in bed staring at her ceiling and thinking about all the proposals she's turned down. She doesn't regret saying no, knows she wouldn't have wanted to settle for anything less than she deserved. Rarely does she ever think "I wish I was married", rarely does the thought that her life is lesser than without a partner ever occur to her. She was raised in the era of modern feminism, she knows better, has experienced first hand a fulfilling life without a man or woman by her side. She loves her life. She does, truly.
But sometimes… sometimes on nights like tonight she feels a deep rooted seed of doubt that makes her wonder if she was right in saying no to all those offers. On days from hell, where shes struggling as a COO, failing to play catch up with her life and the demands that come with it, when she's accosted with her failures and slip-ups through mundane and big things, from missing a delivery, to fucking up in a Partners meeting, or oversleeping and screwing up her laundry- she feels it.
She feels the cold enter her sheets as she feels the absence of someone warming her sheets and her body, feels the lack of security and love that she could have wrapped around her If she had played things out differently.
Was she right to choose being on her own instead of being with someone who was in love with her?
On days that turn into nights like this, she feels the weight of being alone a little too intensely. She may be an independent woman but she's only human and there is a limit to how much she can take and how much she can feel without the help and support of someone. She knows she has family and close friends but she knows first hand that the type of support you get from your partner is different. It's direct, it's powerful, it's comforting on another level. And she misses it.
She wants someone who'll remind her to slow down when she's working herself to the bone, plying her with sweet gestures to lessen her workload. She wants to be included in her friends' couples retreats, and wants to avoid the lukewarm looks of sympathy from everyone when they realize she's single. She wants someone who'll save her a seat at the movies while she goes to the bathroom, someone who'll split the grocery or laundry load with her. She wants someone who puts everything on hold to help hold her up- safe, and comforted not because they have to- but because they want to. She wants to be someone's priority again.
She also just misses being in love. She misses feeling, like everyday and every minute with the right person feels like sunlight beams on her soul. She missed the light they brought into her.
She feels her body shake slightly and her eyes turn misty as she thinks about how she's almost at the wrong side of forty with no person to love to show for it. No prospects of a true love and she's losing all sense of hope she'll ever find them- she isn't by any means an ageist, has seen first hand people find love well into their forties' and fifties and be happy but she doesn't see how it could possibly even happen to her this late in the game.
She can't understand how she'll meet someone at this age and fall irrevocably in love with them, because after all these years she feels a bit of a cynic, hopeless as reality and relationships keep chipping away at her leaving her all but empty with just cracks to show on her heart and soul where the light used to be let in.
And even if the impossible happens, if she meets the right guy and they fall hopelessly in love, at best they'll have barely a quarter of her life or so together if that. The long process of getting to know one another and dating each other before finally settling into the word exclusive seems painstakingly long at her great age of forty with some odd number of relationships and breakups under her belt. It doesn't excite her like it once used to.
She's jaded somewhat, and all she wants is to skip to the part where her partner holds her tight and soothes her worries, wants to get to the part where they love her and that ends up being enough. She's sick of having to do everything herself, sick of having to introduce herself all over again and convince them of her 'donna' ways, exposing her interests, her likes and dislikes, teaching them how to love her.
She just wants to skip to the part where they get her, where she doesn't have to ask them for help; they simply offer it. She wants to skip to the part where they already know her body intimately already know if she likes it rough or soft, if she wants sex toys or not, if she likes this position or that. She doesn't want to start from the ground up with someone new. Because she knows it's taking her longer and longer to open up to new people, and so she'll have, perhaps a year of casual dating on and off, then a year of serious dating, then maybe on the third they'll bite the bullet and commit to one another. She'll be forty-five by the time she'll feel settled and happy with this fictional person.
She sighs as she lets out a deep breath, letting her hot tears fall down gently on her cheeks as she clasps her face and rubs them off frustratingly.
She knows she made the right choice in not settling for less. But sometimes she thinks about how much easier her life would be if she had a partner picking up the slack and giving her a helping hand in her day to day life. If she just had anyone, anyone at all to lean on. She thinks of Brad and Ben and Paul and Clarissa and Serena and of all the men and some women she'd turned down. She thinks of how most of them are probably married now, better off with people who want what they want. She thinks of how happy they probably are, how easy their lives are. She thinks of how, even if their love didn't seem right in the long run, maybe she should've taken them up on their proposal of forever because right now, under the heaviness of a string of frustrating days and nights turned into months of turmoil- she can't imagine being upset with having someone who loves her take care of her.
She thinks of how they all gave her light, and all gave her cracks, and now she wonders if they'll ever be light again shining through the cracks in her heart and soul.
She thinks of how she's to blame for it all, one way or the other.
She thinks of how Harvey's name should be on the list of people responsible for her cracks.
She thinks of how his name is the only name that's responsible for the brightest of lights that used to shine through when she let it in.
She thinks of how she might have to seal her cracks shut soon to sooth her aching soul already, as hope dwindles down year after year.
She wakes up in the morning and everything stays the same, her cracks are still there, just a little bit wider as she forces her body out of bed and into her work wear.
She thinks of how maybe she's the most responsible for the lack of sunlight in her life these days.
. . .
The last time it ever happens, the last time she's ever proposed to was by Harvey Specter.
She never saw it coming, despite his prerequisite quasi-proposal over the phone with his mother, she truly never saw it coming at all, let alone in the midst of a quiet lunch at Louis's wedding with Mike sitting next to her rolling his eyes at all her prison jokes.
She saw from the coroner of her eye, as she jokingly tapped her champagne glass as a microphone, how his eyes sparkled for the first time in days with genuine happiness, something that had been lacking ever since she broke the news of his mother's death.
She saw him take a deep breath, a small exhale and inhale from his lips, as he cocked his head minutely to the side, his version of gearing up for something. And then all of a sudden he was clasping her hand in his, and asking her to make this wedding worthwhile.
Donna hadn't felt more flustered in her life. She never went so fast from settled, to confused, to surprised, then overcome with emotion, only to skyrocket into happiness then settle back down to peacefully content.
He asked the question, mirroring her happiness and choked up emotion, tears misting over in his eyes as he looked up at her with anticipation, happiness, and love, love so evident in his face.
Donna didn't even have to think about it, she already knew they were going to be together for the long run, had already pictured their future as clear as day, and so-
"Yes! Yes, Harvey I'll marry you." She tearfully chuckled her reply out as he clasped her hand in his, holding onto her so he stayed grounded in the moment, kissing her chastely almost as if that would seal the deal.
"We don't even have rings!" Donna exclaimed as she realized the absurdity for their spur of the moment decision.
For the second time that day, Harvey left her flustered and speechless as he slipped a gorgeous antique sapphire ring from the pocket of his suit jacket. Donna blinked in rapid succession as she saw the ring slip out.
She thought this was a last minute impulse reaction, she couldn't believe he'd already had a ring and could barely comprehend his explanation and how Lily was involved and the fact that this ring was his grandmothers- the only women in Harvey's family that ever surrounded him with unconditional, simplistic love.
Donna felt a tear or two shed down her cheek as she understood how momentous this really was for Harvey to do, how he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life married to her. He hadn't just decided this on a whim, he'd been wanting this, her, them for a while now. Long enough for his mother to pick up on it. Long enough for him to carry the ring around in his pocket, waiting to ask her.
So, Donna said yes. She said it easily, and willingly. She felt herself get choked up again at the realization that this was it- she and Harvey were finally together, in all the ways.
She knows they already were, that their lives had so easily and even unwillingly slipped into one another like slotted pieces, bending and molding to fit together. She knew that marriage, truly, wasn't going to change anything between them. They'd already been living together, already had decades together, already bickered and fought like they'd been together for years rather than the few months it'd been and in many ways that was true.
It's why she said yes, because while everything would change, they'd stay exactly the same, just different. This was years in the making in a lot of ways, and in many more she'd never thought it'd come to this, never truly having any expectations of her and Harvey and whatever forever would mean for them.
But this was a pretty great expectation to be met.
Now, her and Harvey were back in his condo, technically the morning after their wedding as they're in bed, facing one another, both drained physically from the whirlwind of the day they'd hand prior with the wedding shenanigans and his proposal and the night filled with dancing and scotch and champagne and an unbelievable amount of sex- they broke their personal best, going at it in the wedding venue's closet, then the back of ray's car, then a hospital room before meeting up with louis, and they both lost count of the times they got lost in one another at his place. The kitchen, the walls, his floor, their bed, his shower, and their bed again, and again and again.
It was nearing six am, neither of them having properly slept a wink, preferring being with one another than sleeping the night away.
"I know the way I asked wasn't exactly how you would've wanted me to but-"
"It makes my top 10 easy." Donna interjected and Harvey's eyes widened.
"Ten?! Ok, I wanna know once and for all- Exactly how many proposals have you gotten?" He narrowed his eyes playfully at her, curious of her answer after all the years of jokes and bittersweet memories attached to her engagements.
"Well… hmm.. Lets see," She started counting on her fingertips, showing off her newly minted engagement and wedding ring simultaneously. Harvey felt a pang in his heart as he realized she was finally his, the ring on her finger belonged to no one but her, and them. He got lost in the sapphire blue's glistening glint in his loft, as the sun set in the sky, admiring all the love it represented between them before straying his eyes back to Donna's hazel ones.
"If we're just going to count the ones where they bought rings with me in mind? Just seven. If we're counting all serious proposals maybe like 9. If we're counting the off the cuff ' will you marry me I'm so serious' literal who asked for my hand in marriage situations then maybe like twenty. But I lost count after that, it felt like a lot of work to keep track."
Her tone had its familiar teasing tilt to it at then end and Harvey couldn't tell when the joke ended and where the truth began but he crinkled his forehead in amusement anyways. "God, guess I am glad I even made the list then." He feigned a low grumble and pout that could barely stay on his lips, his mouth immediately widening into his signature cheshire grin as he recalled yet again the fact he was joking around about his proposal to her- Donna, his wife.
Just as he's about to lean closer to steal a kiss from his bride, Donna beat him to the punch, edging closer and giving him the softest kiss he's ever experienced, her plump lips savoring his own for a minute, pouring in all the love she had for him. It ended as softly as it had started, her lips parting slightly on top of his before speaking up again, murmuring her words against him.
"I loved it. I would have said yes if you asked me in the middle of traffic in the back of Ray's car. I don't care how you asked. Just that you did."
"Oh so you're saying you're an easy yes?" He quipped smugly and Donna rolled her eyes, yanking his hair slightly in brevet annoyance at his joke.
"Way to ruin a moment. No, I'm saying you're the reason I said yes."
Harvey smiled sincerely again at her words, not believing she'd said yes, that he even had the balls to ask, that they're really here- in his- their- bed, talking about their wedding that happened only 12 hours ago or so.
"I'm really glad you did" He said softly, his hands caressing the side of her waist, giving it a quick squeeze of gratitude that she'd gifted him his present and future.
Donna cocked her head to the side, not believing the shine of sincerity and awe in his eyes.
"Were you really nervous I wouldn't?" She didn't think it was a matter of if she'd say yes, assuming he knew how since day one of their relationship she was all in. Afterall, it was obvious this was it for them- that he was it for her.
Still, Harvey didn't give her a line of cockiness or a joke about how she was a sure thing, instead his nose wrinkled and his whole body shrugged as a tinge of abashedness spread throughout his entire face.
"Sort of? You have said no 20 times prior, started thinking maybe you had commitment issues."
Right on cue, there was the joke.
"Look who's talking!" She slapped his chest chiddingly and Harvey snorted as she barricaded him, resting her weight on top of his. He wrapped his arms around her waist, teasing her sides with his fingertips "Be honest, you're a little bit of a commitment-phobe."
"If I am, it's because you've rubbed off on me all these years."
"Hmm guess we… rubbed off all that fear last night huh?" Donna's eyes widened at his crude, cheesy, terrible pun, before she snorted loudly at his comment, which resulted in a fit of surprise chuckles and giggles from both of them, their bodies shaking as they held each other.
They shared twin wide grins taking in one another's every detail as they calmed down.
"Harvey… you have no idea how happy you made me when you asked me to marry you."
Harvey swallowed, caught up in the surreality of her words, of her saying that. "Really?" He asked hesitantly, not believing after all this time she was just as in love with him as he was with her.
Donna nodded, her hand cupping his face, her thumb finding its path on his temple then his jaw, before finally settling on his soft plump lower lip.
She thought back to the last time she'd been engaged, the only other time she'd ever seriously said yes, and how she thought she and Brad were two halves of the same puzzle piece, and how that was perfect.
She'd realized she doesn't want to be two pieces of the same puzzle, she needed to be the piece that fits perfectly into the other piece, complimenting one another- that's the relationship she wanted, and that the relationship Harvey ended up giving her.
"I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I've never really considered marriage seriously. Not once, with all those proposals, and the one engagement could I ever picture my life and theirs intertwining. But with you," she gazes down, suddenly losing the momentum as her nerves get the best of her. She looks back into his eyes, willing herself to be just as vulnerable as he has been. "With you I barely had to picture it. Our lives were already intertwined. And when I'd take that extra step it just… came so easily to me. I meant it when I said I didn't need to marry you, that I love you freely, with no strings attached. Because marriage or not, dating or not, when I'd think of my future you were always there. And I'm just so glad you did too." Harvey wiped a tear that had escaped off her cheek lovingly kissing the spot where it stained her cheekbone, before caressing her face and moving his lips to her temple. "I do. I always have and I always will."
Donna caressed his right arm till her palm found his, clasping their hands together till their matching wedding bands kissed one another.
She wished she could go back to her past self and save herself all the heartbreak that came with her engagements and broken proposals, wished she could tell herself to trust her gut instinct about why exactly Harvey would pop into her mind whenever someone popped the question, and she wished she could tell her that while the worst was yet to come when it came to heartbreaks and soul wrenching realizations about her love life- she wished she could give her past self even an ounce of the happiness she felt now.
"I love you Mrs. Donna Paulsen." He murmured against her lips before kissing her deeply, conveying his commitment into her, pouring as much as he could into it before descending onto her clavicle, ready to cherish her once more that bright morning day.
"I love you too Harvey."
She let the light shine in on her, her ring, and them.