A/N: Parallel moments of Harvey and Donna seeking help from others during difficult times only to end up needing one another to feel at peace.
I really enjoyed writing this, especially Harvey's part, I hope you guys enjoy it as well.
As always, critiques, comments and suggestions are more than welcome Xxx
Silencing Voices with Yours..
Harvey was having an over-all shitty fucking day.
He never thought grief would be never-ending like this. Never thought he'd feel at peace with the loss of his dad and then down the line, something connected to his Dad's legacy would rear up out of nowhere and make the process of losing your dad ten times worse than it already is.
He thought his day was going to be bitter-sweet, reminiscing about his pop with his jazz producer Vic, tracking down rarely listened to albums in his office and drinking good scotch while hearing backstage stories about Gordon's recording sessions.
He never thought his day would end up with him fucking over his own business in the name of his father's legacy- the only thing he has left of him in this world. The worst part was he felt like he could hear his dad's voice in his head "What the hell do you think you're doing son? Get your head out your ass" ridiculing him for crossing legal lines for him, committing fraud in the name of Gordon Specter, was not something he'd ever have let happen. Especially after everything Harvey's gone through to get to where he was at.
He whirls around his chair staring back at the New York Skyline seeking comfort from one of his favorite views.
Now his night consisted of guilt and a sense of fear running up his spine and pounding the side of his head. A million thoughts whirring in him, wondering what the hell was going to happen with Vic's business, his fathers music records, Jessica ever finding out about all the money he's essentially stealing from her- their firm. An endless list of every way this could go wrong popping up in his mind. He's a lawyer who's trained on finding every possible worst case scenario and digging his way out of them- it's just how his mind works and right now he wants it to stop so he can manage to wrestle his grief away from his guilt. To manage to tell what's rational and what's making his heart pound so loud it might burst out of his chest.
He doesn't know what's making everything worse, him missing his dad, or the real possibility of the other shoe dropping and owing thousands and his career because of his choice to cover up Vic's bill, letting Jessica down in more ways than one..
The silence in his office is deafening, the voices in his head brewing a headache he doesn't have the urge to nurse with the drink in his hand.
He calls the one person he thinks could understand.
"Hey Dickhead what's up?" Marcus's voice rings across the phone and Harvey has a wistful smile on his face at the familiar greeting.
"Nothing, Asswipe just wanted to call and say hi."
"You never call to say hi. I have to call Donna, leaving you messages twice in a row to get your attention."
"Marcus-" Harvey heaves, not in the mood for a guilt trip.
"What it's true! Not that I mind talking to her anyways, she has a much better attitude than you. Nice gal, don't know she puts up with your dumbass all day."
Harvey rolls his eyes at the dig.
"Actually.. I called to talk about Dad." Marcus takes a sharp inhale at the mention of their father.
"Do you remember Vic, Dad's old producing guy?" Harvey launches into the story, going over the details and the emotions he has over everything.
Marcus chokes up about their dad and says it's a nice thing he's doing.
Harvey asks "Then why do I feel guilty taking this on?" Marcus just sighs, "I don't know, because I think you're doing the right thing."
Harvey wants to make a joke about how that's not a first, but his eyes sting a little at his little brother's voice struggling not to cry over the phone.
A comforting silence fills their call.
"Maybe it's an unfamiliar feeling and that's why." Marcus quips and Harvey laughs at the dig.
"Maybe."
Rustling occurs over the phone and Harvey hears Marcus mumble something to someone. "Look Harv, I gotta go Katie's hear. But thanks for giving me a call. This was nice."
"Yeah, it was."
"I love you."
"Love you too." Harvey chokes out before he ends the call.
He still feels wrong.
He doesn't know how long he stays sitting there brewing in his seat, reminiscing over his dad, Marcus, Jessica's legacy and his own.
Eventually he spots a flash of Red from the corner of his eye and Donna makes her way to his front door, just standing there. She says nothing. He doesn't acknowledge her yet, knows she knows he can see her in the reflection of the glass.
He takes in the view of her standing there, wearing a light blue dress with lace floral edging around it. He likes her hair complexion against the dress. He swallows a bit of his drink before finally turning around to face her.
She gives him a look as she stays standing at the doorway, leaning her hip against the glass wall with knowing eyes settling on him.
It unnerves him slightly.
"What?"
"C'mon you know what. You feel guilty because Jessica is like family to you and you feel like you're screwing her over for your other family even though Jessica's been there for you more recently."
Harvey bristles at how she put into words exactly what he was feeling. He is slightly annoyed that she read him so well, especially when he doesn't want to admit to any of it.
"You know why you shouldn't feel guilty?" she asks with a softer tone he likes to think she only uses with him.
"Because I'm doing the right thing," Harvey scoffs sarcastically and Donna shakes her head.
"Actually no you're definitely not doing the right thing. Choosing sentimentality over a smart business decision? Not so bright."
"Is this reverse psychology? Because it's not working."
Donna sends him an unamused look before closing the door behind her and entering his office, taking quick strides to the front of his desk, until she's standing right beside him.
"You shouldn't feel guilty because this is exactly what Jessica would've done in your shoes."
"No she wouldn't have, she always puts the firm first."
Donna chuckles slightly "No she doesn't. She almost always does and she always finds a way to reconcile what she wants to do and what she does end up doing. But I know for a fact she's done something like this before. Once. Years ago for her own dad. It's a long story but the point is- you and her did the exact same thing."
Harvey takes in her words her reassurance that he's not doing anything wrong that it might be selfish but worth it in the end.
He lets the words wash over him, lets them sink into his soul and wrap around his beating chest, warming his heart and easing the tightness that was there before. He closes his eyes and whirls his chair back to the skyline, wanting a second to cherish her words.
Donna's judgement is always right. He focuses on that fact for a minute before realizing something.
"How do you know Jessica did the same thing?"
"How do I know anything?" She's not gonna divulge Jessica's secret. Or her ways.
Harvey rolls his eyes at her comment while still feeling a gush of pride at how her loyalty knows no bounds.
Knowing Donna agreed with his choice did ease the guilt in his chest, not sure why or how she righted his head so easily with a few sentences when he'd been brewing with this feeling all day.
He doesn't care why he's just so god damn grateful for her.
He hands her his half drunk tumblr and she smiles softly at him. "He'd be proud."
He thinks about how Gordon always preached right from wrong when to stay career driven and when to let it go.
He thinks about his fathers success and his broken heart.
He thinks about how hard his dad pushed him to go out with Donna.
Donna is always right
It's like a mantra in his head, quieting every other voice that was hounding him all night.
He doesn't notice she left his side till music notes begin to flow in his office space.
Harvey whirls around as his dad's music begins to play from his record, smiling wistfully as Donna's favorite record plays.
She sets the record back in its place before walking her way back to his chair.
"And thanks to you, I'll have a chance to listen to my favorite Specter over the radio one day."
Harvey smiles at her, never not thankful she gets him in every way.
"Your favorite Specter is right here and you can listen to him day and night Donna." Harvey points to himself with a shit eating grin that reaches his eyes.
Donna chuckles into his tumblr before swallowing some down and passing it back to him. "Shut up, you're speaking over my favorite part." She squeezes his shoulder reassuringly and Harvey has to swallow the entire glass down his throat to stop himself from reaching out and placing his hand above hers.
Because he knows he'd never be able to let go.
Instead, he lets her talk about why this album is her favorite of all of his work.
Donna is always right; he wonders if there's ever any exceptions, like the rule she sticks to everyday, but he knows there's not. He takes comfort knowing at the very least he had her faith to believe in, even when he doesn't believe in himself.
"You did the right thing Harvey." Donna reiterates, noticing his quiet demeanor.
Harvey nods, before changing the subject, "Have I ever told you about how he came up with this title?" Donna shakes her head as he launches into the story.
Donna gave him the night he ended up needing afterall.
….
Donna lost out on another role. She sighs as she musters up the courage to finish walking the last few steps to Rachel's office getting ready to paint a forced smile on her face before heading out for pick me up drinks.
She knows what it means that she lost out on the show. It's the end of broadway season and the beginning of a new class of assholes being hired onto Pearson Hardman, which means longer hours at the firm proving Harvey is still the best and deserves to be made a junior partner, not one of the new hires which she knows includes Hardman's wife's nephew. His first day isn't till Monday and she's already preemptively putting out fires to ensure he's not a bigger thorn on her boss's side, making sure he's placed two floors down, gets the short stick with Irma the bumbling 80 year old as his assistant, and subtly blacklisting his name within her secretary network within the firm.
Losing out on this role means no more Broadway till the end of the fiscal year. Unless she finds some off-off-off Broadway production at some local theatre to participate in for fun.
Another year with no headways being made for her dreams. Another fuck-up at a casting call because she wanted this so bad she could taste it but her fears and anxiety had held her back. Sometimes she wonders if she still even really wants to make it, because she could point out multiple self-sabotaging choices she keeps making that keep pushing her away from the limelight she's always craving.
All Donna wants to do now is go home and commiserate privately with a bottle of wine, but Rachel wanted to cheer her up and Donna wasn't going to turn the bright eyed paralegal she now considers to be one of her favorite people at the office.
Donna knocks on the door labeled paralegal and Rachel's brown eyes shoot up to meet hers. "Ready?"
Donna smiles, "As I'll ever be. Come on, you're buying."
Throughout the night, Rachel pules her with compliments and blanketed statements like "Screw her! You're way better than her" pointed towards the woman who did get the role, which Donna appreciates, and thanks to her apparently sub-tier yet still better than average acting skills, she manages to convince Rachel she feels better, but she doesn't.
The venting helped, but Rachel kept interrupting her, insisting Donna did nothing wrong and that they'd be fools to not want her. And with three shots in her system, Donna didn't argue with her, laughing it off and ignoring the very loud voice in her head telling her Rachel is wrong.
Donna doesn't respond well is the thing with compliments that re-assign the blame away from her and to someone else. She just wished she could vent while thinking out loud what she could've done differently, really assess the situation critically to improve her acting skills. Was it her monologue choice? Was the role just not for her? Did she choose the wrong angle coming at this part? She wants the criticism, she craves for someone to just tell her point blank what the next steps should be to make this right.
Donna ends up going back to the office to collect her purse and coat shed forgotten there when she spots Harvey still at the office. She stops by his front door, her heels at the otherwise empty hall clearly alerting him to her presence as his head shoots up out of the file he was reading and up to her.
Donna smiles tiredly in greeting as she rests her body against the door.
"Hey. How were drinks with Rachel?" He asks kindly, genuinely interested as he had wanted to cheer her up as well after the failed audition, but was too busy with a case.
Donna shrugs with a close lipped smile. "It was ok." Harvey sends her a knowing look with a pitiful smile, "Paulsen, get your ass into this office." Donna bites back a smile, not wanting to give in so easily but always finding it amusing when he tries to boss her around.
Harvey gets up out of his chair and rounds his alcohol cart, grabbing another tumblr to fill with scotch, as Donna plops her butt onto his couch, sighing a little detachedly as she waits for him to come back with her drink.
She takes it gratefully murmuring a thanks, while taking a sip. Harvey takes one as well, settling down next to her.
"So, I'm assuming you didn't get it out of your system?"
"Get what out of my system?" Her back rests against his couch pillows, neck falling to the side as she lulls it to the side to look at Harvey sitting next to her, her body suddenly achey and tired from the long day she's had.
Harvey sends her a look with his signature tilted head. "Donna, I know you. One of the reasons we work so well is because you respond to tough-love, a little too well sometimes. You're still thinking about the audition."
Donna blinks in surprise, not entirely sure why when she should've known he'd be able to see it in her, afterall he'd been there all the other times this had happened.
"Drinks were fine. They were fun. Rach is great company." Donna defends, trying to steer the conversation away from her.
"Donna."
"I'm still thinking about it." She grumbles with a sigh escaping her pouty lips.
"I know you won't believe me, or Rachel, when I say you're one of the best actresses I've ever seen, and that they were idiots for not going with you. And that you killed it, because I know you did. So I'm not going to bother doing that."
"You just did." Donna teases, albeit reluctantly with mirth in her eyes as Harvey ignores her quip.
"And I know, Rachel wouldn't let you get an inch word wise to talk critically about yourself. So…tell me what you think went wrong?"
"You really wanna sit here, and let me rant about this stupid audition at 8:30 pm, instead of I don't know… going home?"
Harvey sighs out loud, not believing how stubborn Donna was being. "Donna, you do the same for me. I'm being considerate, just go with it."
Donna takes another large sip of scotch. "Ok, well.. For starters, I knew I should've just gone after my own iteration for what Beatrice should be like. I mean, they always think they want the exact same classical take, and it said so on the damn outline but it felt flat to me, and it clearly showed in my monologue."
Harvey nods, knowing it could be hard to go with your gut instinct over factual advice or guidelines.
"And I mean, maybe I just had too many thoughts or takes on her, it felt like I was struggling with which direction to take, I feel like I should've just simplified my character notes, I don't know why the hell I had to overthink it so much with all that background story-"
Harvey bit the inside of his cheek to not correct her, knowing his advice would fall onto deaf ears, that she wasn't overthinking it then but overthinking it now.
After she was done going over all the different techniques she should've done instead of the ones she used during her prep, which miraculously she managed to spend 20 whole minutes on. He asks "So what do you think you'll do differently next time?" Knowing, that was the main reason she needed to criticize herself.
"I think I'm just going to invest more time in focusing on one objective the character had, and honestly if I'm going to flail around with different takes I need to master both I can't just water it down. And I should've performed it more, compared them side by side. Maybe pick up self-taping."
"Good. So you'll get 'em next time." Harvey holds out his drink in a salute to her, before taking a satisfying sip.
"Thank you, Harvey."
"Anytime." Donna smiles, amazed at the fact he managed to help dissipate all the irritation she felt at losing out on the role, replacing it with the sense of silver linings she's usually much faster finding by herself. She was glad she had a friend like him, who knew exactly what she needed to save herself.
She marvels at how he knew just what to let her do and say to help her feel better. She wants to thank him once more but knows he wouldn't want that so instead she changes the subject and asks him about his latest case against Pullman.
. . .