The Dustbin
Day 20: Social Studies Part 1
3rd of Garland Moon, Afternoon
"Rmmm," grumbled Cyrus as his hands fumbled writing in Fodlan language on a sheet of paper.
"Getting there," remarked Byron as he looked over the Battuian boy's shoulder to observe his steadily-improving writing, "granted, it's still not breaking past the 69% threshold but given the pace you're going, I think you'll do just fine."
"You're an awful teacher, you know that?" Cyrus pointed out, "you didn't teach me anything!"
"I know," answered Byron, "but today's my turn and the Professor has been pulled away from us for a certain meeting."
"... Yeesh, you think after last month running around like a pack of wild dogs they'd learn to treat us better," Cyrus grumbled.
"Clearly, we're not as appreciated as the others, so quit whining," rebuked Byron as he looked over Cyrus's paper, "also, you spelled 'intelligence' wrong."
Cyrus's teeth then snarled downwards to a frustrated grimace, "I, hate, Fodlan."
At the Audience Chambers...
"So, what brings this insignificant one to this revered place?" asked Karna with a sly sense of false humility.
"If you're going to speak with humility, make it genuine," Seteth deadpanned, "that aside..." he remarked as he leafed through the papers in his hands, looking over the written documents, "... we have a new job for you and your class."
"I'm listening," Karna's attention perked upon mentally equating job with more money.
"We'd like the Dustbin to act as forward scouts to the Gaspard region at Faerghus," Seteth informed, "there have been rumors of a possible insurrection being led by the region's Lord," he explained, "we'd like a full survey of the situation before we act."
"What's up the lord's britches to start stirring up the hornet's nest?" asked Karna, "I mean, I know a lion's share worth of people that have bone to pick with the Church but a regional Lord? That's... a... yeah. He must be really mad," the professor commented, "that or someone else is paying him."
"You depart by tomorrow," Seteth ordered, disregarding Karna's theories, "and before you ask, yes, we know the risks but your inclusion was-"
"Were my orders," the Archbishop cut in, "the best men are to be reserved in order to mete out the Goddess's judgement upon the unfaithful."
Karna then raises his eyebrow under his hood, "... I take that we're the most expendable, hm?"
Out the Doors...
"... Urgah..." groaned Karna as the doors that he laid before slammed shut, "... right in the throat this time..." he coughed out onto his sleeve before a slip of paper fell before his view.
It was another check, worth about 5000 gold for "travel expenses".
"... Aw," Karna purred as he snatched the slip of paper, "... they like me."
Above him, across the hall, Karna saw the pair of steel grieves walking towards him before stopping to crouch down and offer a hand up.
"Come on," Jeralt remarked, "there are better places to take a nap than on the ground, you know."
Karna is then picked up back to his feet after taking the sellsword's hand. "Thanks," the Professor remarked.
"So, what now?" Jeralt asked as the two walked down the flight of stairs.
"Just pointed out that my class is now the Church's penal battalion in front of the Archbishop," Karna answered as the two reached ground floor, "I feel as if I can seek a new vocation as the Archbishop's personal sandbag for all of her pent-up stress."
"Oh, you knew?" pointed Jeralt as the two walked across the hall between the dorms and the communal area.
"I'm savvy enough to be aware of the chains of commanding, especially when religion is involved," Karna groaned out as the two neared towards the monastery's entrance, "after all, that's how black powder is made: urine, fecal matter, sulfur, 6 feet of dirt and time."
"Do I even want to know what you're paralleling with who's what in that analogy?" asked Jeralt as his face crinkled in mild disgust.
"You're better off not," Karna remarked as he headed towards a vendor stall staffed by Anna before slamming his check onto the countertop before the red-haired merchant. "Hello! I'd like 5 [Vulneraries], 3 [Pure Waters], 2 [Torches], and an [Iron Shield]!"
"That'll be 4900 gold," the merchant replied as she took the check, "next time, pipe down, would you? Especially during weekdays."
Karna grumbles as he's then handed a sack of the requested supplies and 100 gold as spare change.
"Whoa, that much?" remarked Jeralt, "almost looks like you're about to head to enemy territory."
Karna smirks as he chuckled. "You're not exactly wrong about that."
4th of Garland Moon, Dawn
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for our assignment?" Karna greeted his class with an attempted show of energized bravado.
"We drew the short straw, did we?" Byron pointed out.
"Pretty much!" Karna replied faux-enthusiastically, "come on! We got lots of ground to cover!"
And thus, the Dustbin sets off towards implied enemy territory as the sun rose from above.
Normally, all advance scouting would be done during the cover of night's darkness but due to how sprawling Magdred Way was with people either traveling or heading to the monastery for their monthly pilgrimages going in and out of through between Oghma Mountains and Gaspard territory during the day, it was easy to blend in with the modest crowd, gigant short-haired horse notwithstanding.
"... Umm," Selene grumbled as a few glances from other travelers along the road were directed towards their group, "... isn't the point of this mission not to have eyes glued onto us?"
"Not my fault that their horses are pygmies compared to Darius," Cyrus boasted, his horse snorting in affirmation of its own superior breeding.
"Eh, worst case-scenario, we can just play off as traveling performers," Karna pointed out, "and of course, yours truly will be the ringmaster."
"Then what am I, the trick rider?" Cyrus pointed out, "... I can do that, if I can and if Darius agrees with me."
"Topaz can be the acrobat," Byron snidely suggested.
"Says you, ice sculptor," Topaz hissed back.
"My sister can be the strongwoman!" Selene suggested in a chipper tone, her prior worry of standing out dissipated, "we can perform what we're good at, right?"
"That makes me sister the trickshot," Sorcha remarked, "... what about Vidar?"
As the rest of the Dustbin all looked at the bandaged boy scratching his wrapped cheek, all of them thought "circus freak", whom none were able to muster enough courage to say that to his face lest theirs get eaten off like a layer of fat over a slab of meat.
"... Juggler?" Karna winced.
Vidar then runs towards the bushes before coming back with a few stones before juggling around all five of them and flawlessly catching all five uninterrupted.
"Juggler it is!" everyone nodded at the Professor's affirmation.
With all of them (sans Vidar) mentally shoving the awkward conversation into the deepest recesses of their minds as they approached the Gaspard Territory checkpoint.
"Okay, what's the plan?" asked Byron, "go for the fact that we're traveling performers?"
"Go to the very back of the line," Karna ordered quietly, "stall for time! Come up with cover stories for all of us!"
"You do it!" Byron hissed, "just because I happen to be a bibliophil doesn't mean I'm any good at making my own!"
"Uh, guys?" Selene remarked.
"Don't look at me!" Karna snapped back, "my real life is already too absurd to be fiction! What do you want me to do?! Tell that we're sharecroppers?!"
"... Uh, guys?!" Selene spoke again with a raised voice.
"And my life stories aren't exactly believable either!" Byron snapped back, "who in their right mind would believe that a six-year old was a bounty hunter-"
"GUYS!" Selene cried out.
"WHAT?!" the two eggheads barked back in unison, only to realize that their group were the only ones left before the checkpoint.
Ahead of them, an unimpressed-looking Knight waited for them. His armored arms crossed as the shaft of his [Steel Lance] rapped against his plating, paradoxically looking both annoyed and bored out of his mind.
"Well?!" the Knight remarked, "you lot coming in or not?!"
Karna then tried to shuffle through his coat and realized that he'd gone across Fodlan for too long as a pseudo-fugitive as the Black Cat of Fodlan that he'd forgotten that his passport has been rendered null and void/never there in the first place.
"... I need a passport, do I?"
The Knight then lets out a sigh before raising his horn and blowing a shrill note that signaled all surrounding units to converge towards where they were.
The rest of the Dustbin looked at each other with blank expressions of resignation upon finding themselves surrounded in an encirclement of [Steel Swords] and [Steel Lances].
And all of them were completely outnumbered 100-to-1 each, since after all, their mission was to scout enemy territory.
"Spotted dick."
11th of Garland Moon, Evening
"... They've been captured, haven't they?" asked Rhea.
"Shall I confirm that the situation has been compromised?" Seteth replied.
"We now have an incentive to strike," the Archbishop sighed out, "crass and unbearable as they are, the Dustbin is our responsibility."
"Shall send Catherine to resolve this issue?" the adherent requested.
"No," she replied, her expression growing a tinge darker with the corner of her lip slightly curled upwards as she looked out from her balcony, "I order you to dispatch her whole division and purge every last insurgent that she and her company finds."
Seteth gulps at the thought of an army of one-man-armies converging onto a single region just to cull a possible rebellion when they were more suited for actual warfare. It was the equivalent of sending a caravan's worth of wagons rigged with gunpowder towards a bear's cave to rescue one puppy.
Simply put, sending Catherine alone was overkill. Her personally-trained legion of Swordmasters on top of the former?
Pray be to those who'll have to redraw the map postmortem.
"Lady Rhea?" Seteth asked in protest, "... isn't there a better, more quiet way to resolve this?"
The Archbishop then turns her head back towards him and gives him the driest glare that he'd ever bore witness to.
"I want this little 'incident' resolved by the end of this month," ordered Rhea, "end of discussion."
Seteth then hurries out of the room and sprinted towards his personal study before slamming the doors behind him shut.
He then opens his drawer, pulls out a pillow before he caves his face into it and screams into it in frustration.
Even when you're not here, Professor Yuga, you sir, make my job harder then it needs to! he thought as his muffled screams filled the office.
"... Fine," Seteth remarked to himself as he whipped out his quill and paper before he placed both onto his desk, "'end of this month', she said?" he pointed out, "I'll do better than that."
He then began writing Catherine's next orders. By the next morning, the draft for the emergency dispatch for Catherine's brigade of Swordmasters was finished.
And the first thing Seteth did as soon as the order went through was to take a nap.
12th of Garland Moon, Dawn
"Oi!" Karna hollered as he banged the bars of his holding cell with his mug, "you got anymore drinking water?"
He was then met with a splash of water from the bucket hurled by his jailer.
"Thank you," he then sat back down on the stone floor. He then blankly looked up at his cell's ceiling before flailing around in a tantrum. "DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT MY PASSPORT WAS NULL AND VOID?!"
"We're more than content to lock you up here and leave you to rot, Black Cat," the jailer remarked, "your reputation precedes you."
"Thank you. Choke on a hardtack," Karna bit back, "so why am I still alive after a whole week? And yes, I counted!"
"How?" asked the jailer.
"I check how many days have passed just by watching the mice crawling in here in their heat cycle," answered Karna, much to his jailer's displeasure, "what? Garland Moon's the beginning of mating season!"
"Ugh... I don't get paid enough for this," the jailer remarked, "but I can't kill you or Lord Lonato is gonna get mad at me for losing a possibly valuable hostage."
"Really now?" snarked Karna, "just what does he want out of me and my students?"
"How I am supposed to know?" the jailer asked back, "I got hired a few months ago after my predecessor bit it from gangrene after a night with a bar wench."
"My condolences."
At the Interrogation Room...
"TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW!" an incensed Soldier barked out as he punched his armored hand across Sorcha's face.
The Brigidian girl simply spits blood onto his face. "Bloody 'ell, who taught ye to punch?" she asked amusingly while eyeing the Myrmidon next to the Soldier, "yer husband?"
She was then punched across the face again, the girl still unperturbed at the sight of herself spitting out a loose molar.
"Yer really better off just killin' me," taunted Sorcha.
"JUST TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CHURCH AND WHY YOU'RE ALL DOING HERE!" the Myrmidon screeched out.
"Okay, first of all, I'm fekking Brigidian," Sorcha pointed, "I know jack shite about the Church or the goddess that everyone keeps talking about. Also, I don't know how read half of what ye tarts scribble."
A Thief bursts open through the door behind the two interrogators, looking rather unamused at the lack of progress made.
"YOU IDIOTS!" the two's superior officer barked out, "TWO HOURS OF NONSTOP PUNCHING AND SHE AIN'T BUDGING?!"
"That's what I tried to tell them!" Sorcha pointed out, "but between dat and lassie's love taps-"
Sorcha was then struck across the jawline again.
"Seriously," she spat out another loose tooth to the side, "ask yer daddy to give ye a bundle of gold coins."
"Okay, first of all," the Myrmidon asked, "how are you still even conscious?"
Sorcha snorts at the man's disbelief, "how do ye think I paid for me tuition?"
Two Years Prior...
"Two-sixty, two-eighty and Jackson makes three!" Sorcha remarked as she counted her bounties with her bloodied hands after 15-rounds of illegal bare-knuckle prizefighting.
Before her laid on the floor was her last opponent, now dead and with a sheet draped over his body.
"Oh and... sorry about yer mate," Sorcha apologized to the surrounding audience as the fight staff took the body away, "... mates."
Back at the Holding Cells...
"How did it go?" asked Karna as Sorcha sat back up after being thrown back headfirst into her cell.
"Pansies," she replied, "me pa punched harder than dem when he was nappin'."
The two of them heard another clanging of their cells, with Selene and Byron being thrown back in.
"What about you two?" asked Karna, "what kind of questions did they ask you two?"
"About the missing two," Byron stated regarding how the lucky Cyrus and Topaz were able to elude their pursuers after the rest of them were caught, "I'm pretty sure I heard word of getting the thumbscrews for Vidar."
"They asked me questions of why we're doing here and I said 'traveling performers'," Selene remarked, "I told them a joke and they let me go... after getting about a couple kicks into me belly... oww."
"Dastards," Sorcha snarled out to herself, "soon as I git out, Imma cut open every belly of this shitehole's populace."
"Save your rage for later," Karna remarked as he saw a pair of Knights heading towards his cell with one holding keys in hand gauntleted hands, "... it's my turn now."
All the professor can hope is that there lies a way out. Or if Vidar manages to break from his bonds.
Elsewhere...
"THE PLAN WAS STUPID!" Cyrus cried out with Topaz hanging off the side of Darius's bridles as they continued to ride away from their pursuers, "THIS WHOLE MISSION IS STUPID!"
"We never had a plan to begin with," deadpanned Topaz, "this show of idiocy is utterly disappointing coming from the likes of the Professor."
"SO GOT ANY IDEAS, STUPID?!" Cyrus barked out, "LAST WE CHECKED, WE HAD TO CUT AND RUN FROM OUR WEAPONS AND SUPPLIES!"
"SO SHUT AND KEEP RIDING, YOU BATTUIAN GRASS-MUNCHER!" Topaz screeched out as she threw her knives towards a cart of hay towards its axel, the repeated strikes onto the centerbore causing the cart to tip over onto its side and spill its contents between them and their ceaseless chasers.
Neither the two or the Gaspard forces on horseback knew that they were chasing each other around Adrestrian territory for the past couple days, The pursuers were too blinded with bloodlust to even notice the standards of the twin-headed eagle waving about around their vicinities.
Now normally, any sensible local officials would contact the authorities to cease this madness. But with how many people were entertained by the sheer absurdity of tunnel-visioned Kingdom Cavaliers running after two Almyrans on a giant horse gained something of a cult following from commoners to nobles alike.
Thus the day when two were spotted by the local magistrate whom was completely ignored by the chased and the chasers, the day became known as "The Arundel Wild Hunt."
Back at the Gaspard Territory...
"So guys, tell me," Karna asked as he was being dragged across the stoney hallways with his heels streaked behind him, "what sort of hideous fate awaits this one?"
"You're in no position to be asking questions," replied the Knight.
"Hey hey, tryin' to be friendly here," replied Karna before he was replied back with a punch to his side. "... Okay, point proven," he croaked out.
The three then went through a wooden door before the two Knights pushed him down onto a stool and binding his arms and legs with chains linked to the floor.
"Whoa whoa, what's with the iron mask treatment?" asked Karna.
"We've heard stories about you, Black Cat," the Knight pointed out.
"We're not going to kill you," the other Knight replied, "we're going to save Fodlan by letting you rot in here."
"Meh," the professor remarked, unimpressed by their threat, "I've heard and been inflicted way worse."
"Name one," the Knight sneered.
"I got rid of my own genitals," Karna bluntly remarked, much to the pair of Knights' disgust as they recoiled back in horror at what he'd just said, "with a broken shard of pottery."
"WHY?!" the Knights screamed in unison.
"An absolute unit of a Battuian warrior woman, over 6 feet tall, more muscular than any marble statue in the Adrestian Empire and already a mother of 8 children with 6 dead husbands was about to force herself onto me after I was purchased as a slave during my time at Almyra," Karna explained, "I think my screaming woke up the whole camp that night. They were so horrified that even the lady who bought me to do me re-regulated me laundry duties before my eventual escape."
"... How do you live with yourself?" asked one of the knights while the other took off his helmet to vomit.
"Would you believe me that I am asexual before I lost my manhood that you men disproportionately value?" Karna replied with another question, only for an elderly man in modest-looking noble garments with chainmail over his torso with silver hair draping down his neck and shoulder came into the room and witnessed two of his men recoiling in utter horror.
"LORD LONATO!" the two Knights plead, "SAVE US FROM THIS DEMON!"
The elderly man with a noble bearing lets out a deep sigh before dismissing the two with a gesture of his hand. "... Normally, I'd gag you and beat you senseless with bare hands alone but I need you alive to answer my questions," the noble man pointed out with a deep grimace.
"Ooo, are we playing 20 Questions?" asked Karna with faux-enthusiasm.
"... I'm starting to reconsider the first question of asking you of whether you're working of that damned false prophet," the Lord grimaced, "wretched as the crone is, even she has standards."
"You talking about Rhea?" Karna interjected, much to Lord Lonato's shock.
"... You've got to be kidding me."
Still Elsewhere, Completely Lost...
"JUST HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE WE KEPT RUNNING BLINDLY?!" Cyrus cried out, "AT THIS RATE, WE'LL RUN OUT OF PLACES TO RUN!"
"SHUT UP AND KEEP RIDING, YOU BIG BUFFOON!" snapped Topaz as she threw her last throwing knife towards a hive hanging from a tree branch.
As soon as the hive cracked open upon hitting the ground, a swarm of extremely agitated bees buzzed out unto their pursuers, stirring most of them into a frenzied panic while a few evade the cluster and continue on with their pursuit unimpeded.
"Okay," Cyrus wheezed out at the semi-relief of there being significantly less people after them, "that should make things easier-"
A squishy, bubbling sound was heard beneath their feet. Then their peripheral vision suddenly declining vertically.
The two look down, finding Darius's giant hooves sinking into the ground below.
"... You had to go and say it, you blithering idiot," Topaz snarled.
"EXCUSE ME, PRINCESS!" barked Cyrus, "BATTU IS A LITERAL SEA OF GRASS! MUD SLOPES DOWNHILL! NOT WELL UP INTO A DAMNED CESSPOOL!"
Topaz spots the remainder of the Cavaliers dismounting before they resumed their chase on foot upon spotting the pair's horse stuck in the mire up ahead. "Damn it," cursed the Hassan, "we're going to have to leave the horse."
"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" Cyrus protested, "HE'S ALL I HAVE LEFT OF BATTU WITHIN THIS GODFORSAKEN LAND!"
"Your choice," she nonchalantly replied as she prepared to hop from branch to branch above the bog and leave Cyrus to his fate.
However, just as she was about to jump, a bolt of lightning streaked across the air, the heat of the incandescent flash raising all the hairs on their skin as it passed by both Topaz and Cyrus.
Behind them, all of the Cavalier's heads were lopped off their shoulders as soon as the lightning scorched the earth where the once stood tall. Standing atop the scorch mark was none other than the "Thunderstrike" herself.
"Hey," Catherine greeted the two stuck in the mire, "need help?"
"YES PLEASE!" Cyrus cried out, to whom he was met with Swordmasters throwing ropes over towards his direction.
Eventually, the entire brigade with Catherine and Topaz, latter whom is still feeling awkward of trying to leave him behind so brazenly only to come back around all of the sudden, manages to pull Iskandar out of the mire much to Cyrus's relief.
"Thank you so much!" exclaimed Cyrus as he bowed his head, "you saved us!"
"Yeah, no problem," Catherine remarked before turning towards Topaz, "and you," she pointed out, "I saw you trying to ditch him as I came in after I heard hooves and braying to save your hides. What the hell?"
"Is his life any of your concern?" asked Topaz.
"No but its yours," Catherine rebuked, "you're all in the same class, aren't you?"
"It's called 'cut and run'," Topaz answered, unperturbed by the Knight of Seiros's scolding, "loyalty and obligations are irrelevant in the name of survival. Hell, even the Battu would've done the same if I've failed to keep up, hence I make sure to myself it doesn't happen."
"Then what happens if you fail to keep up?" Catherine asked back.
"Then should I die, I deserve it for getting caught in the first place," Topaz answered, "they better kill me, because I will find a way out. That's what I was taught since I was a child."
"Please, both of you, don't fight," begged Cyrus, the two backing down out of exhaustion of simply talking to each other. "... Okay, so... our mission, might've gone south."
"No kidding," deadpanned Catherine, "except how the hell did you guys end up from Magdred Way to Oghma Mountains in a week? It should've taken you at least less than that given the distance between them!"
"... I think I saw banners of two-headed bird of prey while we were being chased around by madmen over there," Topaz pointed out as the Cavaliers couldn't take the bees anymore and simply aborted their pursuit in favor of being pursued by said bees.
"... Um, isn't that the Adrestrian standard?" one of the Swordmasters pointed out. Catherine then facepalmed at the realization how the two managed to end up here in the first place within a week.
"So you two got lost behind Empire borders and managed to bumble your way back here in a week," Catherine groaned out, "as soon as this is over, your whole class needs a word with the Archbishop."
"Hey, no one in the Empire got hurt!" protested Cyrus, "... except for the people chasing us but that's besides the point!"
"Correct," stated Topaz, "we got ambushed by the enemy forces upon approaching Gaspard territory," she fibbed, "they knew that we were coming."
"So you two got away and the rest of your class is now being held captive," Catherine filled in the blanks as she bought the lie, "alright, that confirms the presence of an insurgency! Our license to kill has been authorized!"
"So you'll really help us?" asked Cyrus.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this for you guys," Catherine pointed out as she flicked the blood of off [Thunderbrand]'s blade before sheathing it, "I'm doing this for Lady Rhea."
"Not the one question your motives when it mutually benefits us," Topaz remarked as she took a [Steel Sword] from a dead Cavalier's sheathe, "come on. We got people that took our own to kill."
"Right," Cyrus agreed as he appropriated a [Steel Lance] from a headless Cavalier before mounting back onto Darius's back, "time to pay back blood with more blood."
"... Uh, right. No problem you guys joining us," Catherine stammered out as the other Swordmasters in her division looked at each other in confusion, "but you know, what you said being only applicable if they actually hurt your classmates-"
"Shut up, it sounds cool."
To Be Continued...
Author's Notes: I AM BACK, BABY.
And may my first semester in Third Year burn in HELL. It was a logistical disaster that I was surprised that I even managed to get most of the things done. Well, it's not like I care about my grades or anything. I just want to graduate with no issues. But with Omicron now a thing, I think my next semester might be indoors at home again but that's something that I can only look forward to and not much else.
Anywho, this adaption of the canon "Mutiny in the Mist" chapter of the canon Three Houses is an inversion of the traditional formula of this fic, in that rather than simply usurping the main character/Fem!Byleth's role in the chapter, instead, the Dustbin will be the ones who'll end up causing the canon events to happen in the first place.
Either way, the Dustbin aren't done suffering at our (possible) amusement just yet. My job is to make sure that the humor stays fresh.
Until then, my free period is gonna last until January 20th before school starts again. Gonna go for a bi-weekly upload periods. Wish me luck.
*Note for December 26th: accidentally changed Cyrus's horse name from "Darius" to "Iskander". Changed it back to the former. Sorry.*
References:
- Cyrus's line "I, hate, Fodlan." is a reference to Shredder's line "I hate Gotham." from Batman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
- Jeralt's line towards Karna is a Fire Emblem Awakening reference.
- Sorcha's flashback 2 years prior is Pam's fight-clubbing "shady past" in Season 2.