It was just paper sealed in an envelope made of paper. How could feeble pieces of paper hold so much weight against her will?
Because it wasn't the light weight of the paper that bothered Raven the day after 'Gar Allan Poe' passed the envelope to her. It was the emotional weight that letter within was potentially withholding from her. That message that might possess the closure she desperately needed and wanted on the chapter of her life that involved her former boyfriend Gar.
The letter that Gar himself wrote to her in the past, to be opened at a predetermined date in the future. Did Beast Boy not consider that that would torment her?
Somehow, Raven felt the strong obligation to open the letter on Friday, as instructed, as if she had personally promised Gar she'd comply before he passed away. But she didn't. Yet, here she was, back in her apartment, that darn letter teasing her on the carpeted floor. She sank her face into her grey pillow, to hide her vision from the envelope, and to hide her growing frustration.
And this was only the first of three days.
"Ugh!" Raven let out a begrudging groan. She then heard a zap. Lifting her head up again, she noticed that she'd concealed the envelope in her telekinesis, levitating it with her powers drawn from her subconscious.
"The effects of that numbing incantation must be wearing off, Raven!"
Raven squinted in reaction to the sound of Beast Boy's voice.
"This is stupid and cruel, Beast Boy," she muttered. "If you thought it would be funny to send a trail of love letters while you're in an afterlife of sorts, well haha your ghost self can laugh all you want as you shove this letter up your a- "
"And yet, you've not done anything to the letter!" this Beast Boy retorted tauntingly. "You could've just opened it. Or destroyed it. Or X-Rayed it! But you haven't! Because you do like this game of one-sided pen pals, don't you, mama?"
The letter hovered closer to the sorceress. Clearly, Raven still had her powers but currently had very little control over them. She was hearing convincing voices of Beast Boy, and even manifested a little version of him the night before. And, her subconscious was obviously bringing the letter closer to her, having the need to just rip it open like a bandaid or a forbidden scroll.
"Why did you do this, Gar?" Raven asked. "This last hurrah? These final shenanigans? Why would you think to pull some kind of prank on me? After you're gone?"
Despite her growing anger, the Beast Boy in her head let out a friendly snicker as he uttered, "Might as well get out and get your mind off of that envelope!"
"I don't want to..." Raven whined unenergetically. She was not yet ready to go full-speed ahead back into the trenches of life. "Why are you subjecting me to this? The numbing spell is taking my powers down a few notches but right now, I'm feeling this immense hatre-"
Beep! Beep!
Raven recognized the alert. She had just received a transmission request, and was promptly reminded of her yesterday's action of unblocking all incoming communication.
"Should I put the restrictions back up?" she reconsidered. With a sigh, she lazily walked to the living room, and declined the request.
Then, accessing the settings of her communications systems, she chose to block all incoming communication except from her closest peers - Starfire, Cyborg, and Robin. Though she was still not ready to reopen all lines of communication, she was gradually growing tired of talking only to an imaginary Beast Boy.
After one last minute of contemplation, Raven had her hands on the call button.
"... Starfire? Good afternoon... Do you happen to have a free room in the tower? ... Yes, after I visit Doctor Fate..."
Raven emerged out of the sliding door, yawning as she walked past the grey walls of the corridor of Titans Tower, Jump City.
She didn't think she'd be back under such depressing circumstances, but she knew deep down she needed to get out of her apartment to be able to clear her head even the tiniest bit. It helped, for she was able to go one full day without hearing Beast Boy's voice.
It was the break she needed. That, plus being in her former home, and having renewed her numbing spell, had made her forget her worries.
"Blue Beetle, such crude language is ideally to be used sparingly, especially to describe friends or comrades."
Upon hearing Starfire's stern tone, Raven halted, shy away from the sliding doors to the common room to automatically open. Of course, it was much easier to not hear Beast Boy's voice with Starfire's ever-present one.
"Right, sorry, Starfire," she heard Blue Beetle apologise. "Pent-up emotions. And Scarab was egging me on."
The Scarab beeped in admission.
"And I also happen to agree, in one of our rare instances," Raven heard Traci Thirteen - one of her own mentees - utter. "She's great and we trust her and all, but there are a lot of potential issues having Raven here. She's still mourning - rightfully so - but we have to consider the emotionally dependent nature of her powers. The numbing spell has its limits, and the more Raven's used to it, the less effect it will have on her. If Raven from a few months ago were here right now, she'd say the same thing."
"I bet even Leroy agrees!" Blue Beetle exclaimed, followed by hissing from an iguana on Traci's right shoulder.
Raven could hear a flustered sigh come out of Starfire's mouth. A sigh of defeat.
Everyone was then distracted by an alert sounding off on the main screen.
"Trouble downtown," Starfire informed. "Minor. I will inform Robin that we three can handle it. We shall suspend this discussion for later."
Raven hurriedly tiptoed back to her room before she could be seen. Her herbal tea could wait, though she felt very weird secretly tiptoeing away. Usually, she'd simply teleport herself out of the way. But, she seldom had to secretly scurry away from her friends.
She reached her door just in time to find Robin walking down the hallway.
"Raven, you're up early," he greeted.
"It's almost noon," Raven muttered, sweeping her eavesdropping on Starfire and the team under the rug.
Robin placed an assuring hand on Raven's shoulder.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he apologised.
Raven shook her head. "I should be the one saying sorry. I shouldn't be rude. You all are just helping me."
"Starfire, Blue Beetle, and Traci are tending to a call. So, while we wait for them, what do you say we go to the movies before we meet up with them for lunch? There's this new critically acclaimed film noir. I've been meaning to watch it, as it has very limited showing, but Star's never one for whodunnit thrillers. You, on the other hand, have always had a bit of interest in the intrigue. Maybe that'll help?"
Raven's eyes wandered in contemplation. She had an instinct in her gut tell her she had some matters to deal with, but couldn't for the life of her remind herself what it was.
"... I got nothing better to do."
At the movie theatre, Robin and Raven stared at the unlit marquee sign that read 'Closed for repairs'.
"They haven't fixed the damages caused by Overload last week," Robin muttered, sighing as he sat on the sidewalk, disappointed. "Ugh, and I was looking forward to it as well."
Arms crossed, Raven muttered sarcastically, "Nice work, Boy Blunder..."
She walked to the cinema schedule that the theatre had originally planned, looking at the scheduled time slot of the film noir they were supposed to watch.
"Look, next time..."
Raven stopped herself from patronizing Robin further. Firstly, because she had reminded herself to be more gracious. And secondly, she was just abruptly reminded of what she was supposed to do today as she studied the schedule.
"It's Friday," she realised.
"That's right, Rae-Rae," uttered Beast Boy excitedly in her head. He'd returned, just in time.
Robin looked over his shoulder at Raven's wide-eyed face. "Hm? What's wrong?"
"I actually got to go."
"Really? So soon? To where?"
Raven mentally estimated the time it would take for her to return to San Francisco, without powers.
"It's been three days. Star can fill you in. She knows. It's been great, Robin. Thanks for the hospitality. Tell Blue Beetle and Traci Thirteen I'm sorry for worrying them, but I'm fine."
Robin stood up, about to offer her a ride, but she was already on her way.
"... Anytime."
Raven swung the door to her home open and reached for the sealed envelope on the counter.
It was Friday today. Three days had passed. It was finally time to open the dang letter.
She ripped the envelope open and unfolded the paper.
'Hey Raven!
Sorry for the wait. I had to make some changes as I had carefully planned out everything else before this letter, and the best I could do here to not ruin my flow of messages was to ask you to open this later.
Everything in me hurts, Raven. Deep inside, I've always had this feeling that my genes will one day just quit on me. The best thing I was hoping for was that it would simply take away my shapeshifting. But reality went the other direction and my DNA is shifting my shape in every conceivable uncomfortable way. Everything hurts. I know I did not show it, but there's no stopping it, so I don't want anyone else hurt by seeing me in pain. I'm pretty much done for.'
At that paragraph, Raven stopped reading, as memories of that painful day flooded her mind. The first day Gar could no longer hide the pain from anyone, on his hospital bed.
Three days before that hospital bed became his deathbed...
"Raven! ... Raven!"
Raven rushed to Gar's bedside after hearing his distressed calls, finding Gar doubled over, the bedsheets tossed on to the floor. He had his eyes shut, wincing. Veins were visible on his pale green face and all over his shirtless body, so feeble and famished.
"Gar?" Raven inspected his physical condition, and found his body disfiguring, like an ice pop disintegrating in a summer heat. "I'll call -"
Raven ceased when Gar grabbed her hand.
"They haven't been able to do anything," Gar said through gritted teeth, tears trickling down due to pain. "I just want you - ugh... - I - "
"Let me morph you just this once, please," Raven begged, concentrating hard on him.
He'd previously insisted she not use her learned ability to morph him forcibly because she had learned it from a sinister source, one taught by the evil Malchior. But now, against his bitter judgment - and against hers - she felt there was no other option.
Gar moaned as Raven tried to put his body back into shape. She had recently begun having the numbing spell used on her, and so she wasn't at her best, power-wise, but she tried. He tried.
Tears trickled down her face now as she powered through watching her love undergo such immense suffering.
Raven refused to let tears fall as she continued down the letter.
'So, I've created all these messages for you, with every creative juices and every crafty fiber left in me, thinking they will help you move on. And I hope to some extent they have (or will, I'm kinda lost in my own fun). But I'm realising with each message, I've also made them for me holding on, and now letting go. So, I went back on my letters and wrote this. Because I'm ready to let go.
Knowing you and your vast array of powers, you might be attempting some medium voodoo to contact me from the heavens (because let's face it; all dogs go to heaven and I could at least transform into one, so I must go to heaven!), or even try to resurrect me (but let's also face it; there's a snowball's chance in hell that I'm heading to the demon realm, because, as I've pointed out, I'm going to heaven), or attempt to spoil yourself on this last Adventures of Beast Boy I want to embark you on.
I implore you to not try to look for the future messages before they're meant to be found. The whole intention of all this will be lost if you do.
We cannot change the truth, no matter how much we dislike it. One of the first life lessons you taught me.'
Raven recalled those early Teen Titans days, when they thought they'd lost Robin. As it turned out, they had lost Beast Boy first. She read on.
'I'm not asking you to change - changing's my job! Hehe. Change only if your heart wants you to. Being sick in bed has made me realise that, despite always believing for the best, there are some things that cannot be changed. The inevitability of death, for example. And truth.
But also, my love for you (an unchangeable truth). And, I have a sneaking suspicion your love for me will not change either. But I want you to move forward. Life is full of possibilities, Raven, even without me. And this chain of messages I want to use to help you see that. I'm no prophecy, but I want to show you how much potential I still see in your future.
I'm also no therapist, so I don't know if this is healthy for you to be looking forward and so subscribed to my messages. So, I'd like to involve a familiar friend called 'Choice'. You can stop following my trail of love letters anytime. Whenever you feel you're out of that rut. Or whenever you've had enough of my fun schemes! I understand either way. You can stop this adventure I created for you at anytime at your discretion. Hopefully, by then, you're setting foot on your new adventure.
If you haven't read this part, I assume you've already moved on, and my job here is done! Otherwise, there's a raccoon at your front door today at noon. A carrier raccoon, you can say. I have my ways with animals, in case you haven't noticed.
Fur-ever yours,
Beast Boy'
Raven's thumb gently rubbed on Gar's drawing of a raccoon beside the punny sign-off, as if trying to feel him through it, before realising she was just smearing the ink off.
Raven was now left with a choice. Should she keep reading these letters? A large part of her wanted to. But he was right in questioning if it was healthy. Still, so far she'd been impressed at how much work he got done on that infirmary bed. How many animals did he grant tower access to?
Most importantly, she could indeed feel his emotions radiating out of the ink and papers. And so far, it seemed they were helping her. It encouraged her to start going out again for a start, after all.
"The next letter is from a raccoon," she reiterated. "I at least have to see how Gar managed to pull that off."
She reread the last paragraph.
"A racoon at your front door today at noon..."
She gasped, looking for the time.
It was almost 1 p.m.
"I'm late!" she screeched, rushing out the door, a little projection of an amused Beast Boy watching her run from the countertop.
"Way to go, Rae..."