She'd barely walked ten yards down the lane, when she noticed a figure in the distance walking towards her. Stopping, she dropped her carpet bag and lifted a hand to shade her eyes against the sun. Squinting, she tried to make out who it was in the shimmering mirage. Had someone come to meet her? She scoffed at that idea. She was the last person they'd be expecting…
Reaching down to pick up her bag, she began walking again. Slowly closing the distance between her and the mysterious figure, she hadn't realised she was humming. But why would she? The tune was so stilted and uncertain, it was barely recognisable...
All I trust I give my heart to,
All I trust becomes my own,
I have confidence in confidence alone,
Besides what you see,
I have confidence in me…
The words hummed through her thoughts without any optimism or enthusiasm. In fact, there was nothing but dread and panic. The tune was as slow and leaden as her steps, each one dragging along, stirring up little puffs of dust.
With each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine…
Wondering if the words to her tune could be further from the truth, she squinted against the sun. Although it was falling toward the horizon, it still held much of the afternoon heat. All the while, the figure in the distance was growing larger, its outline taking shape, no longer just a speck surrounded by the shimmering heat mirage. But with the sun behind them, they were still just as dark and mysterious.
I have confidence,
The world can all be mine…
Tightening her fingers around the handle of the guitar case, her other hand clung to the worn carpetbag, clutching so tightly, anyone might think they were her only remaining lifelines. They probably were. But she couldn't think about that. Not now. It took a few moments to register, before she was aware of nails digging painfully into soft palms. Loosening her grip, she hoped there'd just be crescent shaped indents, angry red marks that would eventually fade. Hopefully, she hadn't broken the skin.
But she couldn't waste time worrying about something as silly as that. There were too many thoughts, more important things, swirling around her head. Since leaving the Abbey, walking to Residenzplatz, and then taking the bumpy ride from town, she'd had more than enough time to get her thoughts in order. But she hadn't. Even after those days spent in seclusion, the endless nights where she'd toss and turn trying to forget the Captain, only for him to appear in fitful dreams… her thoughts were still a mess.
But rather than confront her time at the von Trapp's, rather than contemplate the future, she did what she did best. Ignore everything and try not to think of any of it. It was Reverend Mother who had forced her to face her feelings. And now, she would never forget her shame, admitting to Reverend Mother that she'd fallen in love with the Captain. What's wrong with you, Maria? You were sent there to look after his children. Instead, you fell in love with the man.
To her horror, she'd knelt in the Reverand Mother's office, repeating the words of Baroness Schraeder – words she'd rather forget. The Baroness was right. She'd crossed a line. She'd fallen in love with the Captain. Walking along the dusty lane, in and out of the shade, she could feel her cheeks growing warm, but it wasn't from the hot sun.
Could it be true…? Did the Captain really love her. Her heart fluttered at the thought. But only for a moment.
She'd begged the Reverend Mother not to send her back, tried to convince her she was ready to take her vows. But here she was. You have to find out, Maria. The words echoed through a head empty of any coherent thought. Usually, she'd trust the Reverend Mother with her life. After all the woman possessed all her worldly wisdom, and much of God's too. But what did Reverend Mother know about the Captain…?
All I trust I leave my heart to
All I trust becomes my own,
I have confidence in confidence alone…
"Oh, help…" she muttered under her breath, closing her eyes for a moment then quickly opening them, hoping the figure had disappeared. It hadn't… and worse still, it was now waving at her…
Even though there were fifty yards of lane and an avenue of trees stretching between them, it was obvious who it was. She sighed, realising she'd have no choice but to stop. Walking to the next pool of shade, cast by one of the large trees that lined the lane, she came to a standstill, and waited. She'd prefer not to talk to anyone, but if she had to, she might as well do it in the shade. Now, with barely twenty yards between them, she opened her mouth, ready to say something, but they called out to her first.
"Hello…!" the figure waved at her.
"Oh, hello, Sofia," Maria called out, forcing a smile for the young maid.
"Fancy meeting you here, Fraulein Maria!" Sofia frowned, coming to a breathless stop under the shade of the same oak tree. "I thought you'd left…"
"I did… well, I mean, I had…" feeling her cheeks growing warmer, Maria hoped the girl might blame the warm afternoon. "Something came up… at the Abbey…"
"Oh…?" Other than what went on at Mass on a Sunday, Sofia was pretty much clueless about religion. What was so urgent at the convent, and why did it need to be solved by someone who wasn't even a nun? "Couldn't it wait? After all, you're leaving in a few weeks, aren't you?"
"Well, it's all sorted now…" Maria answered truthfully. After her talk with the Reverend Mother, her future had been sorted. It was clear, she would never become a nun. The excitement of falling in love with the Captain, was tinged with sadness. But she couldn't think of that, not here. Not yet…
"Oooh, you're so lucky!" Sofia gushed.
"Lucky…?" Maria asked defensively. Did Sofia know about her and the Captain?
"You're coming back when things are just getting interesting!" she dropped her head to the side.
"Interesting…?" Maria asked far too quickly, immediately wishing she hadn't shown any interest at all. She'd learned very early on, it was best to give the young maids a wide berth to avoid getting dragged into their gossiping.
"Mmmm… interesting," Sofia nodded for emphasis.
Maria looked blankly at Sofia who was barely Liesl's age. The maids' gossip usually involved the Captain – silly schoolgirl stuff about how handsome and dashing he was, how he'd smiled at this one or that one, what he'd said and what he hadn't. Just silly stuff… But Sofia seemed to be bursting with news.
"I shouldn't say anything… and if anyone asks," especially, Frau Schmidt, "you haven't heard this from me…" with a conspiratorial wink, she took a step closer to Maria. "And mind you…" lowering her voice, she looked around, even though they were clearly alone on the isolated country road, "there hasn't been anything official… yet…"
"Official…?" Maria frowned, starting to worry, hoping everyone was safe. She looked over Sofia's shoulder into the distance, even though the villa was at least a mile down the road, around a wide bend in the lake, and surrounded by trees. It sounded serious…
"It's the Captain…" Sofia nodded. Their favourite topic of conversation.
"The Captain…?" Maria's heart was suddenly in her throat. "Is the Captain alright?" she managed to ask, her words constricted.
Sofia looked at her like she was mad. "Alright…? Oh, I think so," she shrugged. Fraulein Maria had always been a bit different. "Anyway, word has it," she lowered her voice, "the Captain and Baroness Schraeder are engaged!"
"Engaged…?" Maria wasn't sure if she said the word out loud, or whether she'd just screamed it in her head. Placing a hand on her stomach, she felt ill. Breathe, Maria, keep breathing…
"I know what you're thinking…" Sofia nodded at Fraulein Maria's horrified look.
Maria looked at Sofia, taken aback. I know what you're thinking. She couldn't think at all, could barely breathe. Feeling lightheaded, the world was spinning, but she forced herself to focus on Sofia.
Smile, nod, breathe, keep smiling, don't cry, smile, don't forget to breathe…
"Can you believe it…?" Sofia asked.
Bewildered, Maria managed to shake her head slowly, shock setting in. There must be some mistake, it can't be true…
"The poor Captain, stuck with that toffy woman and all her airs and bloody graces…" Sofia rocked her head from side to side, emphasising her point. "Between you and me, he could do so much better," she added with a huff. "Why, just this morning, the woman had the nerve to pull me up right in front of everyone and tell me…"
But Maria wasn't listening to Sofia's latest run-in with Baroness Schraeder. She could hardly breathe, let alone register what this might mean. The Captain was marrying the Baroness…? She felt like she was going to be ill. How was it possible? The Baroness had told her the Captain was in love with her. How could Baroness Schraeder be so wrong…? Surely, she knows the Captain better than anyone.
Smile, nod, breathe, keep smiling, don't cry, smile, don't forget to breathe…
Searching her mind, she forced herself to go back to that night.
Baroness Schraeder had told her the Captain couldn't keep his eyes off her. That's what she'd said. But she'd told her not to worry. What makes it so nice, he thinks he's in love with you...
Thinks…?!
Oh, she'd been a fool! Her head was spinning faster, she needed to steady herself.
Smile, nod, breathe, keep smiling, don't cry, smile, just keep breathing…
Like a bolt of lightning, reality struck her. Baroness Schraeder hadn't said he's in love with you. The Captain only thinks he's in love with you. Just breathe… Her throat was dry, she could taste the bile…
In the jumbled mess of that night, it was suddenly crystal clear. Baroness Schraeder had said the Captain would get over it soon enough. They all do, you know… But she didn't know. What did she know about love…?
Had he got over it? Had he got over her… After she'd gone, he must have realised. He realised, he wasn't in love with her.
"…I guess it just goes to prove, there's no telling when it comes to taste, is there?" Sofia added.
"I guess not…" Maria answered mechanically, unable to think. The Captain doesn't love you. She couldn't face him; couldn't face her. Not now.
Smile, nod, breathe, keep smiling, don't cry, smile, just don't cry…
She'd told the Reverend Mother the wrong thing. Baroness Schraeder had said something very different. She needed a new plan. Need to get away from here, need to escape. She stole a desperate glance over her shoulder, hoping to see a yellow speck up the road waiting for her. But of course, it wasn't. Some time had passed since she'd stood watching on as the bus disappeared in a puff of dust in the distance.
"…of course, we're not sure…"
Maria turned back, realising Sofia was still talking. "Not sure…?" she asked, very nearly snapping out the words. A glimmer of hope…
"Well…" Sofia shrugged. "Don't say anything, but Anna swears she heard Baroness Schraeder talking to Herr Detweiler," she lowered her voice again. "It was something about jewellers and rings…"
"Oh…?" Maria frowned. Is that what this is all based on?
"It can only mean one thing, can't it?" Sofia demanded, but a blank stare was the only response. "An engagement ring!" she added impatiently, when Maria failed to answer.
"I guess so…" Maria mumbled, trying to force her brain to make sense of everything. But she couldn't think...
"Well, Fraulein Maria, there's so much to catch up on, but I've got to keep going…" Sofia explained with another shrug. She'd much rather stay and chat. "I need to get up to the crossroad, otherwise Father will kill me," she answered Maria's frown. "Herr Kraus gives me a lift home, and I can't keep him waiting."
"No… of course, not," Maria responded, staring blankly at the young maid.
"Between you and me, the old man is a bit odd, if you know what I mean, but it's better than walking five miles," she gave Maria a wink. "Goodnight, Fraulein Maria!" Without warning, she wrapped her arms tightly around Maria.
Still dumbfounded, Maria's arms hung at her sides while Sofia squeezed her tightly, betraying the distant nature of their relationship. Thankfully, the girl didn't notice the lack of response, and soon enough, let go just as abruptly.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Sofia promised before taking off at a brisk pace.
"Goodnight…" Maria turned toward the main road and mumbled, even though Sofia was too far up the lane to hear.
In time, looking back, she'll never know how long she stood there, not knowing what to do, trying to understand what she'd just been told. Not sure how it all fitted with the night of the party, let alone the Reverend Mother sending her back.
The Captain and Baroness Schraeder were engaged to be married. But were they? Frau Schmidt's warning rang out, loud and clear. Don't listen to a word of their silly stories. But was that just wishful thinking.
Still, she shouldn't have left; she shouldn't have run away. If she'd stayed, she wouldn't have had to confess to Reverend Mother, she could have just kept telling herself it was all in her head. After all, that's what it was. All in her head… and heart… No one else would ever need to know about her silly crush on the Captain. Now, it had changed the course of her life, and thrown everything up in the air.
But was it just a silly crush?
Lifting a hand, her fingertips brushed her lips. He'd almost kissed her. She was certain of it. The way he'd looked at her, the way he'd held her, the way the rest of world had disappeared. It couldn't have all been her imagination. Or was it…?
She looked around, searching up and down the quiet lane.
She had to leave. She couldn't return to the villa, but she couldn't go back to the Abbey either. Oh, dear Lord, what was she doing here… Feeling the sting as tears pooled in her eyes, she reached down and snatched up her bags.
When the Lord closes a door, He opens a window. That's what the Reverend Mother always says. But what if He slams the window shut as well? Well, she couldn't hang around here to find out.
Forcing her feet to move, her steps slowed, before petering to a stop. She had nowhere to go. The Abbey and the Captain's villa were the only homes she'd known for so long, and she couldn't go back to either. She turned toward the main road. She had to start again, but she didn't know where to begin.
There hasn't been anything official…
That's what Sofia had said. Were the Captain and Baroness Schraeder even engaged? Here she was, putting all her faith in something a gossiping maid had told her. And it was all based on something another gossiping girl had overheard. Frau Schmidt had told her not to pay any attention to anything she heard from the maids. But weeks ago, the housekeeper had told her the Captain was going to propose to Baroness Schraeder.
Her head was aching…
Turning around, she stared up the lane, then looked back down toward the main road. Sofia's figure bobbed in the distance, almost lost in the shimmering mirage. The odd Herr Kraus would be picking Sofia up soon, taking her home.
Looking around her, in the silence of the country lane, it hit her.
She had nowhere to go…
Oh, I must stop these doubts,
All these worries
If I don't, I just know I'll turn back,
I must dream of the things I am seeking,
I am seeking the courage I lack…
oOo
Circling and pacing menacingly, Georg clasped his hands behind his back. Annoyed, he'd only been partway through explaining to Max exactly what Supervising the Children involved. He sighed. He certainly didn't expect telephone calls from the neighbours telling him they'd found his children wandering the length and breadth of countryside. Stopping, he clicked his heels, and turned to retrace his steps. He hadn't even got started on their trip to Salzburg.
Luckily, for Max, the children had made a sheepish appearance from behind the stables. In the time it had taken him to descend the flight of steps to wait for them at the landing, Max had moved surprisingly fast, retreating inside and taking Elsa with him.
Ten minutes, and he was still waiting for one of the children to give him a satisfactory explanation, or something that resembled Rudolf's account. He sighed again. They were still sticking to their ridiculous berry picking story…
"Now, it's not like my children to be secretive…"
"We're not being secretive, Father," Louisa answered.
"Mm-hm…" Georg paused staring out across the lake toward the snow-capped Untersberg. So often, she'd tell him it was her mountain. Where are you, Fraulein? If you were here, the children wouldn't have got up to this nonsense. They wouldn't have needed to go searching for you. The children didn't go anywhere without you…
The children…
Remembering the children, he cleared his throat. Turning on his heel, he retraced his steps, hands still clasped firmly behind his back. "And it's not like my children to be late for dinner!"
"We lost track of the time," Friedrich answered, looking to his brother and sisters for help. He tried to hide his relief when they all nodded in agreement.
"Argh! I see…" Georg stopped his pacing and turned to face the children, their heads still bobbing enthusiastically. Lowering his gaze, he was reminded of addressing countless groups of wayward cadets. They always had such innocent faces, yet the eyes always give them away. Sometimes filled with guilt, other times remorse, but always fear. They fear you, Captain… He tightened his jaw. Do you always have to have an answer for everything, Fraulein? He held his hands tighter, crushing his fingers.
"Now, who's going to be the first one to tell me the truth?" He did a lap of the seven pairs of eyes staring up at him from their haphazard semi-circle. There was a time when they'd fall into line and stand at attention, he recalled with a stab of guilt. But you put a stop to that too, didn't you, Fraulein?
Reminding himself of the task at hand, he frowned at his eldest son, who seemed to have taken command of the troops today. "Friedrich…?" but he was met with a blank look.
"Brigitta…?" She always liked to point out the obvious, and even if he hadn't spoken to Rudolf earlier, it was obvious his children had been up to something. Surely, she'd tell him. Let's see if they spoke to Maria, this afternoon. Brigitta simply held her ground and stared back at him.
"Liesl…?" But his eldest jutted out her chin defiantly and fixed him with her mother's eyes. Doing his best to hold her gaze, he'd been getting better at it over the summer. There was a time when he could barely look at her…
He gave his eldest daughter an awkward smile.
"Where do you think we were, Father?" Liesl asked.
"Now…" he frowned, but she simply dropped her head to the side. So much like her mother, it was unnerving – she could see right through him. Perhaps, she knew that he knew. Deciding that was impossible, he turned his back on the children. Liesl's defiance and Agathe's eyes safely behind him.
"Well, if you don't believe us, you must have some idea where you think we were."
Turning the tables, her mother did that too...
Despite putting some distance between him and the children, Liesl's words followed him. Sighing, he frowned out at the lake. Fraulein, I need you here. He could feel her blue eyes piercing his back. Blue eyes, her blue eyes – angry, pleading, desperate, wild. The children just want to be loved, love them all… His eyes searched out across the lake, the distant peak, the wide blue sky. I'm trying my best, my love…
His thoughts miles away, he still caught the stifled giggle from somewhere behind. Spinning around, he knew one of them would eventually break, it was just a question of which one. "Ah-ha!" he turned, pointing in the direction of the giggling. "Marta...?"
"Yes, Father?" Marta answered sheepishly in her sweetest, most angelic voice.
"You tell me…" he was moving again, circling in on his daughter.
"Friedrich told you, Father," Marta replied as confidently as she could, despite him crouching in front of her. "We were berry picking," she added with a decisive nod.
"I forgot!" Georg clapped his hands together and stood up. "You were berry picking!" Smiling, he looked around at the children, all nodding enthusiastically, chorusing their agreement.
"All afternoon?" Suddenly serious, he went back down on one knee.
The children chorused their agreement again.
"We picked thousands of them!" Louisa declared.
"Thousands of them?" Georg looked up wide-eyed at his daughter, while the children all nodded and agreed.
"They were all over the place…" Friedrich explained.
"What kind of berries?" Georg asked, fixing his eldest with a steel-trap look.
"Argh… blueberries, sir," Friedrich answered.
"Blueberries…?" Georg could barely conceal his laughter. "Mm-mmm…" he turned back to face Gretl. "It's argh, too early for blueberries…" he turned to look at Marta.
"They were strawberries," Friedrich jumped in with a panicked response before Marta had a chance to crumble under Father's stern look.
"Strawberries…?!" Georg looked up at his eldest son with animated shock.
"It's been so cold lately…" Friedrich explained, immediately realising how ridiculous he sounded. At least it was better than telling Father they went to visit Fraulein Maria. "They'd turned blue…" he shrugged looking desperately at Kurt and the girls for help, but they weren't offering him any. Instead, Liesl rolled her eyes in his direction and Louisa looked skywards like she was praying for divine intervention. It's probably all that could save them… that, or Fraulein Maria…
"Oh… tsk, tsk, tsk…" Georg clicked his tongue and shook his head in mock sympathy for the blue strawberries. "Very well…" rising from his haunches, he held out his hand. "Show me the berries…"
"Ooh..." the children murmured as one, looking at each other, hoping someone might have an answer for Father.
"Well…" Louisa tried to think of something to say, but it was obvious, they hadn't given their story enough thought.
"Show me the berries…" Georg demanded, hand still outstretched. "Come on…"
"We don't have them anymore," Kurt mumbled.
"You don't have them anymore?" Georg mimicked his youngest son.
"Well…" Kurt stammered.
"Well… what happened to them?" Georg bent down, resting his hands on his knees, eyeballing Kurt.
"We… we…" Kurt withered under his father's glare. Desperate, he turned to his sisters for help.
"We ate them!" Brigitta jumped in to save her brother.
"You ate them?" Georg asked with a smile.
"Yes!" the children answered together.
"All of them?" Georg asked, gleefully turning his attention to Brigitta.
"Yes!" the children answered emphatically.
"Oh, they were so delicious!" Liesl declared.
"Very well!" Georg stood up and clapped his hands together. "Since you've obviously stuffed yourselves full of thousands of delicious berries, you won't be hungry anymore," he bit the inside of his mouth, trying not to laugh. "So, I'll just simply have to tell Frau Schmidt…" he reached out and tapped Marta's button nose, "err… to skip your dinner." The children's smiles fell away, quickly replaced by scowls and frowns, as he turned and began walking up the steps to the terrace.
Partway up, he stopped and turned to see seven glum faces staring at him in disbelief. Chuckling to himself, he turned away, crossing the terrace to the back door. They'll learn their lesson soon enough. Stepping into the grand foyer, he hesitated, wondering where he might find Frau Schmidt. The sound of Elsa's laughter trailed through from the sitting room. Frowning, he walked past the sitting room toward the kitchen. He'd let the housekeeper know, the children had returned and to have their dinner on the table in twenty minutes.
That would give them enough time to reflect on their behaviour, and more importantly, realise certain behaviour had consequences. He wasn't happy they were gallivanting around the countryside alone, but he was more concerned they were being dishonest. He sighed. They'd rather make up ridiculous stories, knowing he couldn't possibly believe them. Truth was, he couldn't be angry with them. Not for long, anyway. They weren't the only ones making up stories or concocting reasons to go to town, secretly hoping to see Maria.
Oh, Maria… where are you?
You should be here with us. With them. The children weren't the same without her… nothing was.
oOo
Returning from the kitchen, Georg's long strides echoed across the foyer. Instead of going straight to the sitting room to join Elsa and Max for a pre-dinner drink, he slowed his steps and stepped softly past the sitting room to the terrace doors. Having left one door slightly ajar, he hung back in the shadows, glancing out at the children.
They were moping around on the seats below the terrace near the landing. No doubt, feeling sorry for themselves and wondering how they'd get through the next hour without any dinner, let alone survive until breakfast. Almost feeling sorry for them, he held onto the edge of the door. Still, they needed to learn a lesson, and a bit of tough love never went astray. A stab of guilt reminded him how badly he'd tipped the balance of those scales these past years – far too tough, not enough love.
You made me realise though, didn't you Fraulein?
Sighing, he turned away from the children, and made his way to the sitting room. He'd let them stew for another ten minutes, then go out and call them in for dinner. That might go some way to lifting their mood, even if they hadn't seen Maria today. Contemplating, he flexed his fingers. He couldn't be certain, but surely, if they'd seen her, they wouldn't have kept it to themselves. Marta and Gretl would have found it impossible to keep quiet.
Still, part of him hoped they had seen her. Did she ask after him…?
"Oh, there you are, darling!" Elsa called out from the settee as Georg walked through the doorway. He forced a half smile in her direction but didn't break stride, crossing the room to one of the French doors. She shared a look with a sheepish Max. "Are the children alright?"
"Mmmm…" he muttered under his breath, lifting a finger, and pulling back the sheer curtain. He couldn't see the terrace or landing from the sitting room, but he had a perfect view out across the lawn. If they decided to take their bikes out again, he'd catch them heading towards the stables.
"I knew your children were too smart to get into trouble!" Max announced.
Georg dropped the curtain, and turned to glare at Max. "No thanks to you, Max," he snorted.
"Oh, Georg," Elsa shook her head. "You can't wrap them up in cotton wool forever." With only two weeks left of the holidays, she really needed to broach the subject of boarding school. Leaning forward, she flicked the end of her cigarette on the edge of the ashtray. "You need to let them have their…"
But he wasn't listening. He'd turned his attention to the world outside. He pulled back the curtain again, staring along the path that led from the lawn, following the curve of the lake. The shadows were lengthening now, and it wouldn't be long before the cicadas joined the balmy evening with their noisy chorus. He watched the breeze moving the tops of the trees, gently one way, and then back again. He stared at the gentle swaying, the leaves shimmering as a stronger gust blew through them, only for the breeze to return.
The sky was still clear. So, it should be a cool night.
He took in a deep breath, filling his lungs, before releasing the air on a long sigh.
Where are you, Maria…
oOo
Thank you everyone for continuing to read!
I hadn't planned to include the "Berry Picking Scene" but I just love how playful Georg is with the children. And it's even more fun, to know that during filming, Christopher Plummer was pulling faces at the children while crouched down with his back to the camera. Of course, he had the children in fits of laughter! There are a few photographs from behind the scenes, which I'm sure you've all seen.
Of course, I don't own TSOM, just having a bit more of a lend!
"Immerse your soul in love"