Chapter 80: Perceived Reality
It's honestly depressing that Frecklewish and Splitpelt actually have a system for when I inevitably go into another mental breakdown. Even odder, they have resources prepared for it. Buzzardface always has a rabbit stashed that is custom modified to my tastes. Splitpelt is preparing a comfort den made entirely to be as comfortable as possible. Frecklewish has a list of things to distract me as well as having somehow setting up a procedure on my kits visiting me while I'm out of it. Heck, even Dawnstar has evacuation plans in case my powers go rampant. That part is somehow both the most relieving and terrifying part of my situation.
I am still sad on the dark path Brokenstar decided to follow, but I know it'll be his undoing soon enough. Then, when he gets here, I'll have the chance to undo all that he is, roll him right back into being a kit. I'm not going to blame myself for what he became. I gave him all I could. I blame his environment, his clan. They're receiving what they gave, but that does not make it right. He wanted the warmth of his clan, so now he's burning it in his mindless ambition and wrath.
Frecklewish made me go on a walk to keep me from spiraling with my thoughts. I'd say the weather was nice, but the weather never changes. At least our personal sun is a little bit temperamental. There are sweet spots where the sun hits just right, warming you deeply. We've got a few rocks that catch that warmth dotted around our territory, but I've got a secret one. I do believe Frecklewish and Splitpelt know about it, but they've never said anything.
I've got this nice little spot hidden a couple tail lengths from camp. It isn't hidden by any kind of power, but it is a special rock. The sun only hits this rock just after sunhigh. You'd think that'd make this rock a poor choice to lounge on, but I've made it with a special trait. You see, this rock is black, such a small thing. You wouldn't think it'd matter, but it does. The rock just absorbs the warmth of the sun so quickly. The only thing that actively needed a power for it was to ensure it doesn't go from warm to burning hot.
When I get a chance to just lay around, this is the place I go. I let the warmth reverberate through my body as I rest, letting my thoughts of the day just drift by. There's something special about letting yourself go. A light breeze rustles the grass. The leaves overhead lightly flap. The scent of early Leaf Fall drifts gently. Even if Leaf Fall is the herald of approaching Leaf bare, I've always enjoyed the season. My long fur keeps me at a pleasant temperature, compared to Greenleaf where I feel like I'm burning up. Something about the colors and the way leaves dance unfettered by their connection to their trees is ethereal.
I'm letting myself drift. I can feel myself, not this body that displays as a cat. I really can feel myself and my expanses. It feels… strange but at the same time pleasant. I'm so much larger than I let myself be. I can feel them all the way back at camp. I can feel them all. They drift through my domain like jovial sprites. Even though I see them as just motes of light, I know each and every one of them by heart. Frecklewish and Splitpelt are together, probably discussing my issues again. Northstar and Sunpaw just got back to camp. Moonpaw… is a lot closer than I thought. She's not in camp. She's watching me from the bushes nearby.
"I can see you Moonpaw." I mewed with closed eyes.
"How can you see me? I'm hidden in a bush. I even placed myself carefully to match its shadow." She mewed in shock.
"There are things I can do that other cats cannot. One of which is seeing the world another way." I responded.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
I gestured for her to rest beside me.
"Ooh. I didn't realize this rock was so warm. I can see why you're on it." She proclaimed, falling for the tempting warmth the rock offered.
"Do you wish to see the world the way I sometimes do?" I asked my curious daughter.
She nodded slowly, the warmth of the rock sapping away the excited energy she once held.
"The easiest way to start is to close your eyes. I want you to feel. The Darkforest is something we cannot comprehend fully. The fact that you see cats is something like an illusion. The Darkforest is flexible, moldable. It conforms to what we believe it is. You see a forest because that is what you believe it to be. It is a difficult thing to do, but sometimes you've got to let go of your perceptions, let your mind go beyond what you believe to be truth. For the moment, you aren't in a forest. You are not a cat. You're a soul, a mass of life in a cloud of thin soul. Can you feel it?"
Moonpaw seemed to be trying hard to wrap her head around the idea. It wasn't an easy concept to actualize. I gave her a while, but then I saw it. A soft smile crossed her muzzle.
"I think I feel it. It's hard, but I think I can get a sense of what you're talking about. It's so strange. I can feel the plants, the soil, and even myself with it. They're all the same thing yet different. Then there's you. You're hard to look at. It's like staring at the sun, blinding. It goes away fast. How can you handle it so easily?" She asked.
"Honestly, I've got the advantage of ascending. It lets me think faster and understand more. Something I've learned with all my experiences and mistakes is that everything is flavored by your perceptions and experiences. When I was alive, I was a zealous devotee to Starclan. Then I died. I didn't go to Starclan. The blood I spilled in their name, the actions I did at their behest, they weren't good enough. They deemed me a sinner, a demon for doing what they wanted. The mate I once loved had betrayed me. Starclan did not want me. I decided to not let that be my end. I shed my filter, my perception on reality. It still comes back from time to time to wound me again, but I try to be more open. A lie can be just as true as the truth as long as you believe in it."
Unfortunately, my rock was beginning to cool. The sun had drifted behind the trees leaving us in a shadow. I shook myself out knowing that I wouldn't have felt stiff anyways but doing it because of routine. I let Moonpaw ponder my words as we returned to camp. Maybe she'd see something I could not. How would I know if I was filtering myself if all I've known is life with the filter.