It was another day. Just like any other day. Marinette heard her alarm go off and felt the tears slide down her face. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She didn't know why she couldn't just be...happy. She could remember vague memories of being happy. Laughing with Chat. Of dreaming of being a fashion designer, of telling secrets with Alya of daydreaming of being with Adri-Adrian...the tears fell heavier than before. Thinking of the boy who would never love her back. Who was in love with a friend of hers...Kigami. It hurt so much, to not be able to dislike the girl who took the boy she loved away. She felt any form of life she had left slipping away.
Her lovely red Kwami flew her way over to her and turned the alarm off for her owner. "Marinette you have to wake up now." It was said softly and with the lightest of smiles. The sadness showed in her eyes though, the worry was there too. It only made Marinette feel guiltier. Guiltier than she already felt. She felt guilty for everything she did. She was never good enough, not for Chat, not for Paris, not for Adrian.
"I'm really not feeling it Tikki." Her friend hovered over her for a second.
"Marinette you really need to go." She wiped the tears on her blanket and forced herself up. Putting on the usual outfit she used to love so much. Now she hated anything that was on her body. She didn't really like anything these days. She couldn't even find energy to stick food in her mouth anymore. She knew she had lost weight. She knew it wasn't good because she was already so thin. She just didn't care.
Tikki followed her down the stairs before flying into her purse. Marinette smiled and waved to her parents. She took the pastry that was handed to her, thanking her mom before running out. "Marinette you should really eat that. I don't think you've eaten in days. It's been at least four. Please eat it for me?" Marinette looked at the Kwami in front of her. Smiling, she took a very very small bite.
"There, I have now eaten." She waved seeing Alya up ahead. "Tikki hide." She walked to her friend offering her the pastry that was eagerly accepted along with the line 'Lucky girl, you must get so many pastries in your stomach that you can willingly give me this delicious delicacy."Marineete smiled and giggled. Doing the usual Marinette thing. She wasn't even quite sure what that meant anymore. They walked and talked and she listened to Alya talk about the Ladyblog. She hated herself for not being able to truly care. She cared she really did. She just couldn't feel it. Somewhere in the back of her head she didn't want to be there. She wanted to be back in bed. She wanted to...she wanted to never wake up.
The thought surprised her. She had never thought that before. Wanted to sleep in? Yes. To not wake up? Never. That's death. She had almost died plenty of time as Ladybug. It was always a possibility with her secret life. She had never been scared by that though, it had never really occurred to her she supposed. The thought scared her if she was being honest with herself. What scared her most was the peace that came with that thought. She felt her lips tug up. Felt something that felt vaguely like hope bubbled up inside her. Hope for an end to the life she had gotten so so tired of living.
She smiled and looked at Alya and Nino. Then suddenly Adiran and Kagami were there too, laughing and talking to everyone. Adrian spoke to her and she made sure to pay attention. She no longer stuttered around Adrian. She could speak to him as though he were anyone else. It shocked everyone, everyone except her. It was a loss of hope. She knew. She no longer felt she would ever be with him, so she no longer felt excitement when she spoke to him. She only saw the broken dream of a boy she once loved. She still cared about him, she was sure she still loved him. She just felt nothing but a very distant sadness when she saw him. It made her seem more normal, which she supposed was good. Everyone had told her she was doing so well. She guessed that if it meant she no longer cared for a single thing in life she was in fact doing very well.
The school day went by quickly and she was on her way home when the next Akuma hit. She felt a little excitement hit. This was the one thing in her life she felt she did somewhat well. She felt the adrenaline hit. "Alright Tikki spots on!" She could almost feel that her voice sounded the same enthusiastic way it used to. She smiled a genuine smile feeling all of her senses becoming heightened due to the Miraculous. Her smile grew seeing her feline friend soar across the top of the buildings above her. "Hey there Kitty." She muttered as she ran up to catch her partner.
Chat Noir had managed to make her smile over the last few months. Him and Tikki had been her life savers. Thinking of the two did bring her genuine gratitude. She picked up her speed ready to take down this monster...not too quickly of course.
She laughed as she swung back down next to her partner. She leaned onto her knees taking in deep breaths. "That was the hardest one we've fought in a while!"
"You seem so happy about it Milady." He teased her as he too caught his breath.
"I am! You have no idea Chat...that was the best time I've had in so long!" She laughed taking in the moment. She looked to her partner, noting he was silent. He stared at her with that sweet smile and those warm eyes. The ones that made her feel the same warmth, but also the ones she knew she was fully undeserving of. "What?" She asked softly.
"Nothing. You're just...you're just so beautiful when you smile like that. It's been a long time since I've seen you look so carefree." The next smile was sadder.
"It's been a long time since I have been carefree. It feels so good. Doesn't this just feel right?"
Her eyes sparkled in a way that made his heart leap. He didn't care what he was supposed to feel. He knew looking at the amazing girl in front of him it didn't matter how much she rejected him, or how much he wanted to choose Kigami over her. Just to save himself the sadness. He couldn't. She wasn't his Lady. The girl of his dreams stood in front of him with her eyes sparkling and her smile lighting up the world.
"Bugaboo are you alright?" It was a simple question. One that made her heart ache. Ache to just tell someone the truth. Tell someone that no, she was indeed not alright. She hadn't been in a long time. If anyone could be that person it could be Chat. She knew this. She trusted him with every piece of her. So when she looked at him he could see the honesty there. Which is why it hurt so much when the words that came out were "No, my Chaton. I am not." She only maintained eye contact for a brief second before looking out to the city ahead of them. There didn't need to be words for him to hug her. He would hold her as long as she needed him, they both knew in that moment she did. She needed him more than anything.
"I'm here for you My Lady. I'm always here."
"I know Kitty. I just don't know if I'll always be." Those words made his heart drop painfully. He could feel it in every part of him. He knew what she meant by that. He couldn't breath. He couldn't speak. He couldn't do anything. His grip tightened on her, whether it was for comfort or a warning he didn't know.
"What do you mean?" There was a silence that fell over them. A dark one that threatened to eat them. She took in a breath trying to remind herself this was bad. That she had shared too much, that she was making him worry, something she never wanted to do, but she needed to talk. She finally grew enough sense to change her words. Before she could spill anything else she calmly replied. "It's nothing. Just a thought." She burrowed herself further into his embrace, Allowing herself to relish there for just a while longer. She became angry at herself hearing her earrings beep. "I wish I could stay." She muttered sadly.
"Then stay." There was hope in his eyes. In that gentle smile that she loved. She had always known he wanted to know who she was, but was she ready to know who he was? He wouldn't have long either. Were they ready for this? She really didn't care either way. She trusted him. She thought about it before smiling gently and beginning to walk backwards. "I can't let you find out what a loser I am." With those parting words she had thrown her yoyo and swung away."
Chat frowned. He could never see Ladybug as a loser. She could collect comic books and sit in garbage cans and he would never consider her a loser. Not ever! He wanted to chase after her as he does most days when they part, but he knew he couldn't. He would always respect her wishes. He watched her go before running off to detransform himself.
The walk back to the bakery was silent. Marinette played over and over the good moment in her head trying to ignore the dread she felt as Marinette. Tikki kept watching her nervously. It wasn't until they had been walking for five minutes before Tikki spoke up. "Hey Marinette? What was all that about?" Marinette looked down to her little friend frowning tiredly.
"What do you mean?"
"You said you didn't know if you'd always be around...it just sort of sounded like...bad. It sounded bad. I know you're not alright Marinette! Something needs to change. I don't know what to do! You're my best friend and I can't lose you alright! The world can't lose you."
"Oh come on Tiki you know that Master Fu would just assign you another owner who would do the job just as well or more likely better than me. Then you would have a new awesome Ladybug to follow around." Tikki tried not to let her friend's words hurt her as her friend herself was hurting.
"I know you don't mean that. You know you're not replaceable. Master Fu himself has said so. You and Chat Noir are the best versions there have ever been."
Marinette looked even sadder. Something Tikki wasn't expecting. "If I'm the best you've got then you're doomed." She walked past Tikki continuing towards her home.
"Marinette that's not true! I won't allow you to speak so lowly of yourself!"
"What are you going to do about it Tikki! I am nothing! I haven't done anything in a long time! It would be better for everyone involved if I just disappeared." The last part came out so quiet and defeated Tikki wouldn't have caught it if she hadn't been close. Not knowing what else to do she cuddled up to her owner's cheek and held her as tight as she could while no one was around.
"That's not true." She muttered to herself and Marinette as they continued their walk. Tikki thought and thought as they made their way into her room. She had to tell someone. She had to help! She couldn't watch her owner tear herself apart any longer! Nor could she watch her do something stupid. She knew exactly who to go to.