"What are you doing in here?"
A large tail thumped happily in reply to the growling question, but the large, warm lump in the crook of his knees didn't budge.
"You're just gonna pretend that you belong there, aren't you."
The massive dog thumped his tail again, this time stretching out full length with a groan until his large head came to rest against Metal's lower back. It was a nice hot water bottle, soothing his aching muscles and loosening the tension he'd woken with.
"Well don't expect me to allow this every time. You're supposed to be looking after Jess and you ain't staying here forever."
Bruno, the dog who Jess was supposed to be only taking care of for a few days, didn't seem to be leaving fast. The woman he belonged to had been gone for two weeks and Jess had her puppy now, leaving two dogs in the house.
Bruno and Reisa.
Leave it to Jess to name the dog something that wasn't entirely normal. He'd half expected something after a plant, but in the end she went with a Latin word that she explained had extensive meaning behind it for her. Honestly he'd been half asleep when she finally decided. The second he walked through the door at 2am a few nights ago, he found her on the couch with her laptop. Bruno was perched next to her, she was wide away and instantly when she saw him she started chattering away about all the options she had lined up for names and why she did and didn't like them. He did recall not even really speaking and eventually falling asleep on the couch listening to her talk.
The puppy was good for her. They picked her up a day ago and already Jess was forced into a better routine so that she got some sleep. Reisa was an early riser. Metal approved of that. Jess did not.
He could hear them in the kitchen now, coming in from outside.
"No. Come here. I need to clean your whittle pawsies! Scott doesn't like it when the floors are dirty and I just mopped the flo- HEY, noooo….give me that. Here- Put this in your mouth! Ohh, good girl! Look at you, I know. You're so clever! Who's the cutest little puppy? You are! Yes, you are!" Jess cooed and made an odd, stifled squeal. "Oh, your face is so cute! Come on. You need breakfast!"
Metal snorted and smiled to himself as he contemplated getting up. Bruno heard the food bag and lifted his head.
"Well, get going or you'll miss it." Metal told the animal.
Bruno heaved himself up and hopped over him, nearly stepping dangerously close to his more tender parts as he got off the bed.
"There you are!" Jess hissed as Bruno trotted out of the room into the hall. "I told you not to bother him! Come get some food."
Rolling out of bed, Metal decided he better get moving.
"Hey!" Jess greeted him with more enthusiasm than she usually did this early in the morning.
He grunted a reply and watched with mild amusement as the puppy tripped over her now empty dish, making it clang loudly as she looked for a toy to bring him. When she couldn't find anything fast enough she grabbed her dish and ran over, whole body wiggling. She had the personality of a lab, that much was clear already.
"Hey, pup," He couldn't help himself. The squat to lower himself down so her could see her made his knees creak this morning, but it was worth it. "How's she do?"
"Keeping her confined in the kitchen area is really helping keep her accidents to the minimum and she didn't fuss in her crate at all last night."
"You wanted to let her sleep with you, didn't you."
"Yeah. I was sort hoping she wouldn't take to it and I could have a snuggle pup, but I agree with Brock that she needs to learn to be in her crate."
Nodding, Metal started making some food. There was enough for two. He always made enough for two now. It was automatic. If it was there, Jess ate it and if she was fed she gave him fewer headaches because she wasn't running on empty after forgetting to eat all day.
"Are you still interested in trying that class at Rob's gym?" He asked neutrally.
Jess was sitting on the floor with Reisa, playing with her while Bruno sat silent and hopeful at Metal's feet. He might have 'accidentally' dropped a scrap or two for him and now the beast didn't leave his side when he was eating. Damn dog.
"Yeah, I think so."
That wasn't overly convincing. It was going to be one of those mornings.
"Are you sure?"
"I didn't sleep a lot last night because I was worrying about it." Jess confessed, rubbing Reisa's ears and shoving a toy in her mouth when she tried to nip at her hands playfully.
Taking it in stride despite his personal hope that she would accept his offer to take her to the self-defense classes, Metal asked evenly, "What's got you worried."
"I don't know. I don't like new things and I'm scared I'll have a melt down or something and I don't like meeting new people and…I don't know…but then none of those are good enough reasons not to do it because I also want to do it and I want to get past-" Jess paused, frowning and getting more bitter. "Stuff. I want to get past stuff."
"Ok. So we go, and we get past stuff. All the stuff. I'm not gonna drop you off and leave. I'll be right there the whole time and you don't have to talk to anyone but me, and you don't have to work with anyone but me. Ok?"
"Ok."
"You're gonna do it? Cause we got today and then Jason has us training again and I can't promise I'll have the time or energy for a bit. He's being a bear about getting the team into 'peak' condition and we're lookin to bring on a new teammate soon too, so he's twice as grumpy."
"New teammate?" Jess asked curiously.
"Yeah. From Green team. It'll either help the dynamic or shake it up more."
"Are they all still…being little girls about some stuff?"
"Don't worry about, kid."
Sighing, Jess ran and hand through her hair and murmured, "I can't help it. I just want my family to be ok."
"Don't worry about it," Metal said again. "Just be prepared for a few longer days and a grumpier Jason for the next while."
"If today's the only day off you have then you should use it for you, not m-"
"Jess, we've talked about this."
"Right. You won't do anything you don't want to."
"Exactly. Now, you wanna do this or not?"
"Yeah. It's just-" Jess heaved a huge sigh and looked up at him with those big, lifeless, pleading eyes. "What if it doesn't help? What if it makes it worse? What if I'm so bad at it that there's like, no hope for me at all and I'm just-"
"You know I won't let that happen, right? We'll find a way to make you feel safe. I'm still serious about taking you to the gun range and us getting you a permit to carry."
Jess gave him the same look she did the last time he brought it up. "I can't carry a gun around all the time!"
Metal shrugged. "Sure you can!"
"I don't want to carry a gun around all the time!"
"Ok. So we just brush up on your shooting and you can be confident that you can use mine if you need it when you're home alone."
"I'll think about it."
Leaving it alone, Metal plated the eggs and tossed a slice of toast on each plate too before holding one out to Jess.
"You know you don't have to do that, right?" Jess mumbled as she got up off the floor and humbly accepted the food.
"I don't have to, but I want to and it's not a big deal."
Sitting across from him, Jess stabbed the eggs with her fork and said honestly, "I don't know why making food is such a struggle. It's like when I got to do it, my brain decides that it hates everything and nothing will taste good so why bother in the first place, and but if you make it then my brain is like 'oh! Look at that, we did want eggs and toast!'. I don't understand why it's so hard, because it's not even that hard to just pick up a pan, toss eggs in and toast toast, but it feels like so much effort some mornings and then I'm running late half the time anyway so then I just don't and then I'm hungry and cranky and feel like a bad adult because I can't feed myself in the morning like a normal person."
Listening patiently to the rambling, Metal waited before saying, "I don't really have any answers for you, pips, other than it's not that much effort for me to make extra so don't stress about it."
"What time is the class?"
"In an hour and a half. You'll have time for that to settle, don't worry."
Rubbing at her eye and glancing at Bruno and Reisa playing under the table, Jess nodded with a yawn.
Metal eyed her more closely and his jaw tensed.
"You sleep at all last night?"
Smiling almost apologetically with the treat of tears in her eyes, Jess shook her head.
"Not really. Same old, same old."
"I didn't hear you."
"Woke up before I screamed. I'm glad I didn't wake you. I think Bruno woke me up. I felt his cold nose on my hand right when I woke."
"Good dog."
"Yeah, he really is a good boy. He woke me another time too when you were gone last week." Jess picked at her food for a moment before saying softly, "Hey, Scott? How long does it take?"
"For what?"
"Dreams to stop?"
Heavy weight settled on his chest and Metal replied, "I don't have an answer, because mine don't really stop. But, I'm also not you and you are not me."
"I'm having nightmares about being back with my mom and Harold still and those are more frequent than the whole being kidnapped thing."
"What did your shrink tell you?"
"I don't know, I haven't seen her in a few weeks."
"Hm."
He didn't like that.
"S-should I keep seeing her? I mean…it's really expensive and-"
"Was it helping?" Metal asked, already knowing the answer.
"I don't know. I think so…maybe. Yeah."
"Then you make another appointment and you don't worry about the cost."
"Are you sure?"
"You really have to ask that?"
"Right." Jess bent her head over her plate and finished eating before she added. "I hope…that you know I am really grateful for everything you do and all the ways you help me and-and for taking care of me cause- I honestly think you and the others are some of the first people to actually show me what it looks like to have family with no strings attached and- and- yeah. Thank you."
"Uh huh." Metal fought back the discomfort of being thanked for what was mostly just being a good person. It wasn't much really and the kid deserved it plus so much more. "You still hungry? I'm gonna make a protein shake and take that lazy mammoth for a run."
"You can make Bruno run?!" Jess exclaimed, staring at him with amazement. "I have to factor an extra ten minutes when I walk him because he's so slow and likes to doddle along!"
Pushing back from the table and giving Bruno a good head scratch as he took his dishes to the sink, Metal said, "He doesn't do that for me. Maybe you just let him."
"No, I think he just loves you."
"I give him shit when he's dragging his ass, that's all."
"No, he loves you. He mopes around when you're gone and is a totally different dog when you're home."
"You mean he isn't a lazy mutt when I'm gone?"
"No. He sits and watches everything. I think he hardly sleeps when you're gone."
Warmth stabbed through his chest and he casually knocked the crust of bread he'd left on his plate off toward the floor. Bruno caught it with impressive reflexes and smiled up at him with another tail wag. When his ears perked like that you could really see the rottie in him past all the brindled fur and mastiff wrinkles.
When he got his shoes on, Bruno was right there, waiting hopefully. Metal clipped his leash on and eyed the massive beast. He didn't seem naturally athletic, but the dog could keep up easily enough when he decided to and seemed eager to go.
"Well, come on, lazy mutt. And pips? I'll be back in twenty. Be ready to go."
"Ok!"
The gym studio room was warm, but Jess was shivering next to him anyway, arms wrapped around herself as she stood just a little behind him, listening and observing Rob as he taught. They arrived later than Metal wanted, so there wasn't enough time to really ease her into the environment despite Rob's lighthearted teasing.
She'd hardly spoken since they got there, and Metal still felt like it was 50/50 if this was going to be helpful or not.
"Ok!" Rob clapped his hands together after the demo for the group and said lightly, "Let's try that with our partners, and remember, take breaks if you need to. This isn't a competition and you have all the time in the world."
Obviously nervous, Jess glanced up at Metal and he shrugged back at her, hands still in his sweatpants pockets.
"It's your call, pips."
"I'll try?"
Instantly Metal could tell Jess was looking for him to make the decision and he refused to make it for her.
"Only if you want to," He answered neutrally.
The girl picked up on his subtle cue. A series of emotions flickered through her face before she finally set her jaw.
"I'll try." She told him with minimal confidence.
Pretending not to notice, he nodded and said easily, "Sounds good. Ready?"
Nodding, Jess turned so she faced away from him and waited for him to use the hold she needed to learn how to break.
The moment he took her wrists and folded her arms across her chest, tucking her back into his chest, Jess went rigid.
"You ok?" He asked, ready to let go the second she gave the word.
"Ah-I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not? Um…maybe-maybe not- Scott?-"
Letting her go instantly when her voice started to waver, he stepped back, holding both hands where she could see them.
"Take a breath," He soothed when she was about to start frantically apologizing. "You're ok."
"I'm sorry-"
"No. You're fine. Don't be sorry. This isn't easy. It's ok."
"Can we try again?
"Yeah, but only if you want to."
"I do want to!" Jess was obviously frustrated and distressed at the same time, which wasn't an easy thing to fix, so Metal didn't' try.
"Ok, then we try again."
"Wait!" Jess froze when he moved closer again, something flickering through her face again. This time it was extremely close to fear. "C-can I have a hug first? I just…I need to remember you're you."
Heart clenching uncomfortably, Metal immediately held out his arms and welcomed her into them. Damn it. He wished he could erase everything she'd been through, but all he could do was try to convince her nervous system that he wasn't a threat by giving any contact the kid wanted.
"You good?" He asked as she pulled away.
"Uh huh."
"Are you sure?"
"I need to be," Jess said, wiping her eyes and clenching her jaw. "Otherwise this is a waste of time."
"No, it isn't. We do as much or as little as you need."
"I need to learn this." Jess muttered, mood shifting with neck breaking speed now. Anger was useful, but Jess hadn't exactly perfected the art of using it to her advantage yet. Right now it just got in the way.
"You need to be more patient with yourself." Metal retorted with slight annoyance as he took a step closer.
They didn't even get as far as Jess being properly set up for the practice situation. The moment he made a move as if he were going to take her wrist, Jess's whole body went stiff as a statue and she locked up.
"Pips? You with me?"
"Yes," Jess's voice was tight and faint while her eyes stared at nothing.
She was definitely not with him.
"Pips, I think you should take a break."
"No!" Jess ground out the words through trembling lips. "I need to get this! I haven't even started ."
"Jess, just take a minute."
"Stop babying me!" She snapped, venom coating her words in a way he'd almost never heard before as her eyes finally broke out of the lost place she'd been and flashed dangerously at him instead. "I'm never going to get past this if I don't make myself!"
"I'm not babying you." He answered as evenly as possible in response to the bullheaded stubbornness of the girl. "But you need to take a minute. Just- trust me."
"I'm not taking a minute." Jess was breathing faster now and her cheeks flushed, starkly contrasting the paleness of the rest of her skin right now. "Let's just get this over with!"
"No. I'm not gonna attempt to run through this again with you until you're calmed down."
"I am calm!"
"You are not. Take a breath."
"I don't want to be calm!" Jess hissed, forgetting that they weren't alone in the large studio and, while everyone else was doing their own thing, it was obvious that people were trying to respectfully let Jess have her moment and not get involved. "I don't want to take a minute, I want to beat this-this bloody freak show of a brain so I can stop jumping at shadows and-and fucking sleep !"
"We will get you there, but we're not doing this yet."
"Why not!?"
"You are on the verge of a panic attack and a meltdown, I'm not pushing you over that edge by taking hold of you and tipping you past the brink when you're doing a great job of that all on your own."
Jess clenched her teeth and stressed, "I'm fine! "
This was going nowhere. Some days he really wondered if, by some freak of nature, Jess truly was Jason's other daughter. She sure acted like him.
He made eye contact with Rob across the room and his friend shrugged, mouthing, 'Let her. She'll learn her limits.'
Discomfort twisted in his gut again, but Metal took the advice, knowing it was the right course of action. If Jess wasn't going to listen, she would have to learn the hard way.
"Fine." He said quietly. "Give me your wrist. I'm not reaching for it."
The thin joint landed in his outstretched palm, practically slapping down from the force Jess used to put it there.
His hand closed around her wrist firmly and he watched her face.
It took less than three beats for her angry expression to crumple and she burst into tears.
He let go and watched with tired resignation as Jess skirted around him and sunk down the wall, using him as a barricade from the rest of the room as she broke down into her knees.
"Aw, kid." Drawing a slow breath, he approached and crouched down in front of her, reaching out cautiously and palming the back of her head. The fact she didn't shrink away from his touch was a good sign.
"I'm so pathetic!"
The words were muffled into her knee caps.
"No, you aren't." Metal countered with mild annoyance. "It's ok. This is going to take time."
"I should have listened to you- I got so mad- I'm sorry! I don't know what happened!"
"Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. We're good, I'm not mad."
"I just want to be able to do it!"
"You will. We'll keep practicing!"
"This is a waste of time!"
"Hey! Knock it off! You heard Rob at the start of class. Sometimes just coming out here and being willing to try is half the battle and something to be proud of, and he's right."
"I need to be ok!"
"Today just isn't the day, kid," Metal shifted and sank down the wall next to her, pulling his arm around her shoulder. "Let's watch instead, and when you feel up to it, if you feel up to it, we'll try one more time. If not, that's fine! It's not a big deal."
Jess didn't answer and the class was nearly half over when she finally lifted her head and peered over the edge of her elbow at the room.
Still 50/50 if this had been a good idea, but Metal wasn't about to give up yet. Maybe they just needed to try a different approach.
"Well that was a fucking shit show," Jess breathed to her reflection, hands resting on either side of the locker room sink as she leaned there, defeated.
She couldn't bring herself to let Scott try the hold again. They even talked about trying different ones as the class wore on, but in the end, Jess couldn't even stomach the simplest of the tasks and everything was setting her off. All she could do was watch and wish she was able to do what the strong, brave people in her class were doing.
Jess washed her face again in the sink and kept her head down as she moved through the change room to grab her stuff from the locker.
"Hey!"
Flinching, Jess turned her head and found one of the girls from the class standing there. There had been a few that seemed to be around her age. She was the pale, red haired girl with a kind smile and empathetic gray eyes. Her hair was down now, loose curls framing her face and falling around her shoulders like fire.
"Um, I just wanted to say that we've all been where you are. Some of us…well, some of us more acutely than others, but you don't have to be embarrassed about today. You did amazing, and you should be really proud of yourself."
"Thanks," Jess swallowed down a new round of humiliated tears. "I…I don't really feel like I deserve that."
"I know, but it's true and you do." The girl held out her hand to her, smiling a little more. "I'm Hallie McBride. I'm pretty new here too and if it helps, you did better than my first time here."
Jess pushed the curling wisps of dark bangs that had escaped from her ponytail out of her face and said weakly, "I find that hard to imagine."
Hallie laughed and said with slight bitter humor, "You'd be surprised then. First time I came here I had a full blown panic attack and passed out. Rob had to call an ambulance because I hit my head really hard when I fell. Didn't get concussed, thankfully, but it was extremely humiliating."
Second hand embarrassment kicked in and Jess cringed sympathetically.
"Oh man, that would be awful!"
"Wanna know the best part?" Hallie asked cheerfully as she shouldered her colorful bag more comfortably.
"What?"
"We hadn't even started. All that happened was Rob said 'Hello', introduced himself, then a door slammed in the distance and I just…fell apart!"
"You talking about your first time here?"
Another older looking woman passed them with a smile.
"Yeah!"
"Oh, hell, that's not even the best story!" The short, 'angry' butch girl with the tattoos and multiple piercings looked over at them with a huge grin. "You should hear about Ellie's meltdown!"
"What about me?"
Another girl appeared around the corner, drying her brightly colored hair. She had the sweetest round face and a button nose that perfectly suited her bubbly personality. She reminded Jess of Zoe.
"Your first time here!"
"Oh! Shit! Yeah, that was…well hilarious now, but friggin terrible at the time." Ellie pointed at Jess at the same time ruffling her hair. "Actually! Your friend was there that day! He was the one who got me to calm down, eventually. Haven't seen him since."
"He's also the one who set her off." Hallie stage whispered as she closed up the locker she'd been using and zipped up her coat.
"He did not!" Ellie protested, sweetly earnest to put the record straight. "It was Barb's friend Tony who set me off because he was wearing god awful aftershave. Jess's buddy just happened to be paired up with me when it happened. And he was so nice about it too! Honestly- I don't think I would have come back if he hadn't been the one to talk me down."
Warmth trickled in through the ice of humiliation and Jess quietly pulled on her boots as she listened.
"What they're saying is that you don't need to be so hard on yourself." The older woman with the jet black hair and near black eyes was sitting across from her. "We've all got our reasons for being here. We've all been through some terrible shit and, you listen to me on this one ok? There's no quantifying trauma. Don't you dare downplay what brought you here if you hear a story later from one of us that you deem worse than your own. Your story is valid, whatever it is and we understand. This is a safe space to work through some of the shit and come out the other side stronger. So get that chin up. You were a superstar and I hope to see you again here."
Swallowing down tears, Jess managed a smile and whispered, "Thank you."
The woman got up and patted her shoulder as she went past saying, "We got you, honey."
"We also go for coffee after, if you ever want to join. It's nothing formal and it's by no means official therapy, but we're a group that shares what helps and offers support to each other in ways that, well," Hallie exchanged a look with Ellie and shrugged, "Frankly that most people don't know how to."
"And don't feel pressured!" Ellie added hastily, adjusting her glasses a little. "Sheesh, we're probably overwhelming you with all this! And that's not the intention at all . Basically we're just a really supportive group and we want you to feel welcome and would love it if you wanted to join us some time and don't feel pushed into anything!"
A true, genuine smile rose then and Jess nodded, quick to reassure the noticeably empathic girl.
"It's ok! I really appreciate it and…I really might be more likely to come back now, so thank you. That and coffee sometimes sounds amazing!"
"Yay!" Hallie grinned, tossing her hair over her shoulder and lifting her head high. "Want our numbers? That way you can text us if you decide you want to come again and if your friend can't join you, we'll make sure we save a spot for you!"
Flooded with the kindness of the girls Jess nodded and dug out her phone.
"Awww! Cute puppy!" Ellie exclaimed when she spotted the picture of Reisa.
"Thanks! She's new to my life and I love her to pieces!"
By the time they exited the locker room, Jess was lighter and happier about the whole thing. The girls were friendly, kind and extremely genuine with the ease of offering their friendship to her. Jess didn't' feel trapped or pushed, and before they even parted ways in the lobby, Jess already felt a kinship to them.
"Bye Jess!" Hallie waved, heading out as Scott approached. "See you next time! Hopefully!"
"Bye!" Jess smiled as she waved back.
Ellie was still next to her, lingering just a little and glancing nervously at Scott as he came closer.
She lifted her hand when he was nearly next to Jess and gave an awkward little wave, saying, "Hi!"
Scott's serious expression shifted and Jess spotted immediate amusement as he rumbled back, "Hey, Ellie. Been a while! You were crushing it!"
"Yeah! Big change since you were last here." Ellie clasped her hands together and rocked on her toes as she added shyly, "That, ah, visualization trick you taught me really helps! So, um, thanks!"
"Good! I'm really glad to hear that!" Scott told her, countenance lifting and lightening as if he were interacting with Jameelah, trying to put the girl more at ease.
The greatest affection for the man welled up in Jess's heart and she smiled at the floor.
"Anyway! I've wanted to tell you that for a while, and now I did, and I gotta go now! Bye! Bye Jess! Text me if you want, ok? Bye!" Ellie took off, her blue, purple and pink hair flying as she went.
Scott snorted and shook his head before asking quietly, "How are you doing?"
"Um, actually…really good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"You makin new friends?"
"I think so."
"Good." Scott hooked a careful arm around her shoulders and gently walked her toward the doors, sheltering her more than steering her. "You need people, pips."
"Says the grumpy old caveman who doesn't even visit anymore!" Rob said, appearing from nowhere and making Jess flinch. "You know, we didn't even get to spar today!"
"You're still recovering," Scott growled. "And I got in trouble the last time."
"Awwww, nothing wrong with me," Rob turned to Jess, "How you doing?"
"I'm ok."
"Harder than you thought it would be, wasn't it."
"Yes."
"I did warn you."
"I didn't listen."
Rob laughed and pointed at Scott, "You learned that from him."
Jess snickered briefly before sobering and saying honestly, "I just hoped it would be easier than it was."
"You'll get there. Practice with Metal and when he's away, give me a call and I'll work with you too, ok? This wasn't a failure, ok?"
Tears crept back in and Jess bit her lips.
"Jess."
"Thank you."
"Damn," Rob walked forward and pulled her into a hug. "You're too hard on yourself, kid."
Jess accepted the hug readily, squeezing back tightly and trying with all her might to believe what he said; that maybe he was right. Maybe she was too hard on herself.