Title: After the C word
Rating: K+
Status: Complete
Spoilers: Redux II but just the storyline, mostly my overactive imagination
Archive: What an honor, just drop a note first.
Feedback: Yes, please
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended, characters and show reference belong to their creator CC and 1013. If you know the characters, they aren't mine. No money so, just read, enjoy (hopefully) and leave reviews.
Summary:
Mulder brings Scully home from the hospital after her cancer is cured but, did he? He wakes up and can't find her. Then Skinner shows up.
XXXXX
It had been the longest day of my life, but I couldn't remember a better day in my life. Scully found out her cancer had gone into remission but, I hate that word. I prefer the word cured; remission sounds like it went into hiding perhaps only to make a reappearance later. Cured, I like the word cured. Upon hearing the news, I vacated her room while her family gathered around her. Soon she would be walking away from what was her death bed, not being wheeled out on a gurney covered with a sheet but walking out of it. Her doctors said she could be home within a week if she shows some signs of an appetite and weight gain. I'll be here when she leaves this place, hopefully she'll be using one of my arms as a walking brace once she ditches the ceremonial wheelchair, at the front door.
The last several weeks my life hung in the balance with hers. Our lives intertwined years ago, she has become my life now. It is only worth living when she is next to me. The long days of her illness days crawled at the speed of millennia; I couldn't remember a time when she wasn't in my life. My constant, my scientific steadfast rock. If she would have died because of what they did to her none of them would have been safe from my wrath, not one. I would have a new mission in life, to wipe each of them from this plane of existence, methodically, one by one. I made that clear to that cancer stick smoking son-of-a-bitch when he told me to look for the chip in the water, not the water itself.
Skinner came by to check on her. He wasn't stupid, he knew where he could find me when I wasn't in our office. He sat next to me in the hallway as I told him it was the best news I had ever gotten; Scully's cancer was in *remission*. He asked if he could see her, his question made me feel like I was someone who could give him the permission he didn't need. He walked into a crowded room filled with her family and Maggie's priest. I left to go shopping so when she was released, she'd go home to fresh sheets, blankets, a few new candles, and some ginger tea for the nausea that may take months to completely go away. I wanted to get her some bath gel too but that may be too personal. I don't know, I guess I'll check when I drop off the other items. If it looks like she is low on a few I'll go by and grab some. After all, if a bottle is almost gone doesn't it mean it's a scent she likes? I just wanted her to return home and relax in the comfort of her apartment, her home.
When I returned to the hospital later it was past visiting hours, but they let me in as long as I promised to stay quiet and only stay a few minutes. They knew I had been living inside her room like a tenant in a boarding house since she was admitted. I pushed open the door and the smell of antiseptic with a hint of bleach greeted me. Her immune system was so compromised they were doing double duty keeping her room clean. I took a seat in the chair close to the bed, one that I am sure was vacated by her mom only after they shooed her out. Scully was sleeping, her eyes closed, lashes so light without her usual make up. I could see her freckles more pronounced against the paleness of her skin. She looked weak but she did look better than I had seen her in days, she looked peaceful. It will be a long road back to perfect health for her.
I have a new pressing assignment; get her back to my staunch, logical, rigid, beloved red-headed partner. I stood up hanging my coat over the other chair in the corner. I moved the chair, which was heavier than I thought, right next to the bed sat down and leaned over. I placed my head on her blanket and breathed what little scent of her I could through the cleaning medium. She's here, she's still here I thought as I faded to sleep.
"Mulder. Mulder. Are you okay?" She whispered as she ran her fingers through my hair.
I awoke to find her sitting up in bed, the barest hints of morning blocked by the still drawn blinds in her room. I must have slept soundly because I was groggy when I heard her voice. My body was a mess. My back was twisted, my legs cramped, and my neck was kinked. We really have to do something about our many stays in the hospital after she gets out of here. I snapped awake not wanting her to do anything but get better.
"Scully, did I wake you? Do you need anything?"
"No, I was just getting up to use the bathroom and I felt a weight on my bed. When did you get here, and how long have you been here?"
"I got here around 2200. They let me in if I promised to stay quiet."
"Did you flirt with that young darkhaired nurse again to get down here? I see how she looks at you, being sick doesn't change my observation skills." She walked to the bathroom gingerly. I could see she was weak and trying her best to look strong in front of me.
"I did what I had to do to get where I wanted to go. My flirting was merely a means to an end." I said to the closed bathroom door. I figured she couldn't hear me with the fan and the other sounds of machinery in the room.
The door opened and she stepped out shuffling back to the bed. "Um hm, you'd better be careful she'll be calling you at work once I get out of here." She didn't look at me, she just pulled back the covers. She looked so frail and small. My heart ached watching her get into bed like a four-year-old crawling on one limb at a time.
"I'll let her down gently. I tell her my heart has been promised to another." I walked over to the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin.
"Women in video those tapes that aren't yours aren't real Mulder. It's cold in here." She mumbled into the pillow.
"It's a hospital and you're recovering from an illness, give your body time to heal." I found an extra blanket and put it over her. "Better?"
She reached her hand out from under the covers and took mine. Her body heat left something to be desired, she wasn't very warm. I know it was from the medication and the lack of any fuel in her body. Losing what little extra weight she had, which in my opinion was none, was making her system work overtime in an effort to maintain her body temperature. I felt tiny stabs of pain knowing all I could do was help her and be there for her, but I couldn't make her health better, that would need time. She curled up and tried to keep warm.
"Scully, let me get you something to eat. You need a fuel source, you know that. You can't produce or maintain body heat without fuel."
"I do have a craving for peanut butter."
"Peanut butter, as in a sandwich. Or just peanut butter?" I had never seen Scully eat peanut butter before but, I guessed her body was craving nutrients the peanut butter offers.
"A sandwich sounds ok, plain white bread please and can you see if they have any tea, hot tea?"
"If they don't have hot tea, I'll complain to the chef. Peanut butter sandwich and one hot tea coming up." I leaned over kissing her head. "Rest, I'll be right back."
It took a while to find the tea. They had hot tea, but I had to prod the woman in the cafeteria to find some ginger tea bags for her nausea. Thankfully an older woman knew where they kept them. I walked back to the room with her peanut butter sandwich, a couple of containers of different jellies, a banana, and a hot ginger tea. I stepped into the room and saw Maggie sitting in the chair next to the bed. She had brought a sweater for her. I could tell it was one of Maggie's. It was a female version of the Mr. Rogers button up cardigan. It was gray, looked very soft and she was helping Scully put her arms into it. As usual momma Scully had it down knowing it would be easier for her to get it on and off instead of pulling it over her head.
"Hello Fox." She stood to help me with the plate of food.
"Mrs. Scu…Maggie, did you want something to eat I can run back to the cafeteria, whatever you need."
"No Fox, please sit down, I had something before coming over." She placed the tea on the tray and unwrapped the sandwich, handing the plate to Scully.
"I hope it's okay, they only had creamy peanut butter, no crunchy and the dietician refused to cut the crust off the bread. Good help is so hard to find."
I looked at her as she was sitting up looking a little better than a few minutes ago. She flashed a smile and picked at her sandwich eating most of it. She peeled the banana and ate about a third of it. The tea was her most cherished of all her little delights. She said it actually tasted good and it helped settle her stomach. Score one for the helpless, harried partner. After she sat for about 10 minutes she asked to go for a walk.
"Scully are you sure you are up for that?" I would have brought the outside to her if she asked me to.
"I need to get out of this bed and out into the sunlight. I'll have all night to rest, besides I think the walk will help me digest the first real amount of food I've had in weeks."
Maggie and I helped her out of the bed and we left the room behind. She was classic Scully not using either of us for balance. Walking slowly but steadily we made it to the courtyard. Walking outside, we heard the birds, and the fountain as the water overflowed from one tier to the next only to bubble back to the top and do it again. Scully stopped and just stood there the breeze propelling her hair like some vortex. She closed her eyes and just let the sunlight strike her face, she took a deep breath and let it out. She did this several times while Maggie and I delighted in the simple fact she was here. We sat on the bench. Maggie leaned against me placing her head on my shoulder, turning into it, I felt the wetness of shed tears. I placed my arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze barely holding back my own tears of joy.
I studied her for just a moment, not wanting to be discovered. She may have lost weight, and dark circles may be under those ocean of blue but, her natural beauty could not be denied. Her porcelain skin was flawless, her red hair, and her light eyelashes and eyebrows only confirmed her Nordic ancestry. She was perfect even without the make up she wore at work. I dropped my eyes as she turned her head.
"You okay Scully?" I asked her to calm myself.
"Yea, just enjoying some fresh air and the sounds of life. It reminds me of your yard mom."
Maggie stood up, took her hand, and gave her a hug. I didn't miss the tears she held back. Losing Melissa had an effect on her as only a parent losing a child to such a violent act could. I couldn't imagine losing a child. If Scully and I ever…..well, if the planets and stars were to ever align and grace me with such an extraordinary gift I can't imagine losing a piece a her in such a way in any way. How does one recover from such an event, I doubt you do, you just keep moving forward. Maggie left after we got back to her room.
"I'm going home to shower and get cleaned up Scully, you need me to bring you anything when I get back?"
"Mulder you don't have to stay. I promise I'll be here in the morning."
"I am your concierge Doctor Scully until you are released from here." I smiled at her swallowing hard. How close did I come to losing this woman, my person whether she knew that or not. She wrote in her journal words that were meant just for me about us, our journey, our partnership, our hopes, and our future. I hope didn't misunderstand her words as hard as they were for me to read emotionally.
"Okay, I'd like my own toothbrush, my own soap, my own shampoo, another pair of my pajamas. Maybe I'll feel more normal if I had familiar items. And Mulder can you bring me a book, I don't care which one."
"I will be back in about two hours. Get some rest and I'll return with the items that make you, you." I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. As I moved towards the door, she didn't loosen her grip, I turned and looked at her.
"Thank you, Mulder, for everything. I know what you did, I'm not sure how you did it, but I am certain the chip is the answer." She said that with a voice cracking with sentiment.
I stepped back towards her and kissed her hand. "I know someday your science will figure it all out Scully and I hope to be there when you do."
I left her and went to shower up and bring back the items she requested. I'm not going to lie; it was weird going through her PJ drawer. I've seen her in pajamas. She loves the silky soft ones and I have seen the different colors. My favorite ones are the dark blue and dark purple ones, but I have never rifled through them. I grabbed the dark purple ones and carefully placed them in the bag so as to not wrinkle them.
It took four days for her to prove to her doctors she was strong enough to go home. It was obvious to me they didn't see the Wonder Woman cape she wore but she finally convinced them to free her. Maggie was adamant she wanted to be there when she left and then arrived at her apartment. I followed them to Scully's place and carried her small bag, and flowers inside and set them on the kitchen table. After an hour Scully told her mother she'd be fine, and she didn't need to stay. When she got up to shower Maggie came over to me.
"You'll stay with her Fox?" I could se the plea in her eyes.
"I don't know if she'll let me stay the night Maggie, but I'll stay as long as she allows me too." I put my hand on hers and squeezed it.
"I need you to stay with her at least tonight, promise me you'll stay Fox, no matter what she wants."
"Seeing her eyes, I saw a mom who was desperate to be reassured. "I'll stay, I promise even if I have to stay in the hallway." I smiled at her imagining the protest I would get from landlord Scully.
Maggie waited for her to exit her bathroom and gave her a kiss and a hug goodbye leaving me to break the news she would have company tonight. I was amazed when she didn't put up a fight. I went downstairs and retrieved my go bag from the trunk of my car. After she napped a bit, I made her some eggs and toast for dinner. When she walked into her bedroom and pulled down the comforter, I heard her call me. I rushed to her and stopped in the doorway.
"Did you put clean sheets on my bed?"
I suddenly felt like I violated her and her sacred space, but I had to own it.
"I wanted you to come home to comfort and not have to worry about jumping into housework."
"And the towels?"
"Yea. Scully, I didn't mean to intrude, hell I didn't even know if you were coming home. I needed something to keep me from losing my mind so, I came here, did a small load of laundry and put clean towels and sheets out. I'm sorry if I overstepped."
I could see how she would see this as an intrusion. We have spent many hours at each other's homes, we've exchanged keys, we've shared countless meals, but we have never spent time in the other's respective bedrooms. She looked down at the carpet, then lifted her head.
"I can't tell you how I wished to sleep in my own bed again. I wasn't sure if I'd be back either. Thank you, Mulder, for all you've done for me."
"Scully, I didn't do anything. We don't know why and I'm not going to question anything right now. I just want to appreciate you being alive and being right here, right now. Go get rest and I'll be on the couch if you need anything, anything Scully just yell."
I took a quick shower and made my way to the couch. As I passed Scully's bedroom, I noticed it was dark and quiet. I was hoping she was in dreamland enjoying sweet, well-deserved dreams. I lay down on the couch in the dark. Light from the street gives the living room a faint glow of amber as sleeps grabs me.
XXXXX
I awoke in the dark. I can't see anything, and the room is silent. I can't hear Scully breathing, in fact the room feels like a vacuum, there is nothing here at all. No light, no sound, and although I am breathing, it feels as if the room has no air. I fumble in the dark to get my bearings. I can barely see the window right in front of me by the amber light being held back by the blind that hangs closed. I stumbled over my own feet wondering if a power outage was the cause. I went to check on Scully, finding the apartment very dark. I found the bedroom doorway, but again darkness prevented me from seeing inside confirming her presence. I am confused, her apartment had plenty of windows why was the darkness so prevalent. I was supposed to be there for her. I promised Maggie. I promised myself I would never let her be harmed or hurt in any way again now I couldn't find her.
"Scully…Scully." I called for her, nothing but silence. I continued on searching for her, stopping every so often to call out for her. Due to the darkness I had to feel my way and shuffle my feet, hoping she hadn't gotten up and fallen or collapsed.
"Scully, Scully" My voice doesn't carry far I am starting to panic but I fight losing my composure.
"Agent Mulder?"
I heard the voice call me in the darkness, it sounded like Skinner. I stopped and waited was I hearing things?
"Agent Mulder?"
"Skinner? What are you doing here?" I asked him, wondering how he got into her apartment and why he was here in the middle of the night.
"Agent Mulder what are you doing?"
"I am looking for Scully, I can't find her. She went to bed, I woke up, and she's not here."
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully is dead. She was killed by an assassin's disease."
I couldn't see him, but he was there so close I could hear him plain as day.
"What? No, I brought her home today she's cured. Her mother and I brought her home. I was sleeping on her couch."
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully died this morning in the hospital bed, she never came home, she was never in her bed."
"I refuse to believe that." I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I couldn't breathe.
"Agent Mulder, I'm sorry but she's gone. You were there, we all were. She passed peacefully in her sleep. Her mother asked you if you would deliver the eulogy. Don't you remember?"
"That's not true, you're a liar." I couldn't breathe, my heart felt as if it stopped, I doubled over trying to draw air into my lungs.
"Agent Mulder, you need to go home and get some sleep, rest. It's been a long day, and you have a funeral to help with.
"Show yourself Skinner, I don't believe you. You stand in the dark and tell me lies. Who do you really work for, that cigarette smoking bastard, the person who infected her?"
"Agent Mulder, I understand you are upset, I know how much the two of you cared for each other, but you know I am on your side. "
"Don't you ever tell me I cared for her, I loved her, I owed her everything, I owed her more than what happened to her. I'll find them, and I'll kill each and every one of them." I ran in the opposite direction of Skinner's voice stumbling in the dark, catching myself against one of the cool walls.
"Scully, Scully, I'm here Scully." My voice cracked with emotion, my eyes filled with tears and my lungs burned with the ferocity I used to call out for her. I was on my hands and knees weakly crying her name, "Scully, don't leave me, Scully." I heard Skinner walking up behind me and felt his hand gingerly grabbing my wrist pulling me up. He gave me a fatherly hug, whispering in my ear.
"C'mon let me take you home. You need to leave her apartment Mulder, she' gone."
I just stood there unable to move feeling the pressure from his grip on my wrist. "Scully, answer me Scully.
XXXXX
"Mulder, Mulder."
I was pushed up against one of the walls gently, the feeling of strong, capable hands pressing against my shoulders and then in my hair. I felt my head being cradled.
"Mulder, it's okay."
Suddenly I was back sitting on Scully's couch, and she was next to me, cradling my head against her neck and soothing me, rubbing circles on my back. I pulled back from her. I looked at her, she looked tired. She had dark circles under her eyes, her skin was pale, she looked frail and worried.
"Scully, is this you?"
"What? Mulder, of course it's me. I heard you calling for me, you must have had a dream."
"Scully, I was told you were…..but you're here, in your house and I'm here on your couch. I thought…."
That was it, I broke down. I wasn't staying strong for her now, I didn't just cry, I wept. My body was racked with sobs; I heard the wails of my own voice. My tears flooded her pajama top. My mouth was open and what tears from my cheeks didn't hit her shoulders flowed into it. I could taste the salt, my chest heaved, I could only manage shallow breaths and cries. My tears mixed with the moisture in my mouth and created a thick secretion. I couldn't even properly hold her, my arms were limp and all I could do was lean against her, moaning as my sobs and tears finally began to subside minutes later.
"Scully, I thought I lost you. I was in a dark place with no air. It felt like a tomb, but I was still alive. I couldn't find you. My life was over Scully, I was in that dark place without you, and I felt so empty. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. It's all my fault. I love you Scully. I love you."
"You were calling out for me Mulder. You had a bad dream but that's all it was, a bad dream. I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere. What happened isn't your fault, if I didn't have you, I wouldn't be here, you saved me Mulder. I know we'll figure this out, we will, I promise. Now, let's go back to bed and get some sleep. Okay?"
She smoothed my hair and kissed my head. I held her close but not tight. What kind of a partner am I, she was recovering from a disease that damn near killed her and she is comforting me.
"C'mon Scully let's get you tucked back in." I stood up and took her hand. She stood up from the couch and followed me to her bedroom.
She laid down as I pulled the covers over her. I turned to leave when she grabbed my hand.
"Lay down Mulder, it's big enough for both of us."
"Scully, I don't …."
"Mulder, come on, lay down we need to rest. This way if either of us has a bad dream we'll be here. Okay?"
She smiled at me, I stepped into her bathroom washed my face, and used several tissues to clear my nose. I walked to bed and laid down under the comforter but not under the sheets. I laid there staring at the ceiling thanking the universe for sparing her life and mine. What would I be without her, what would I have done.
"Mulder?"
"Yes, Scully?"
"I'm not ready yet. I need time to trust myself again. I've made a couple of bad decisions in my relationships, and I caused others pain in doing it. I don't want you to be one of them. I need to be sure, absolutely sure. I just need to be sure I won't hurt you."
"But you love me?"
"More than I thought I could ever love anyone."
I felt her hand searching for mine under the comforter. She placed her small hand in mine and gave it a squeeze.
"You want us to be together?"
"Yes, but I need to be sure Mulder. I would hate myself if I ever hurt you." I don't think I could live with myself if I allowed that to happen.
"Someday?"
"Someday soon." She squeezed my hand again and about five minutes later I felt it go limp with sleep.