Chapter One ~ Rafael Barba
"You showed up" He said a sincere smile lighting his handsome now bearded face, happiness lacing his voice.
"Last call at Forlini's" She countered with an opened armed gesture.
For a few minutes it seemed just like old times. The seasoned SVU Captain had come breezing into what had once been one of their favourite places over the last ten years, he was at the bar midway through a good scotch waiting for an update on a case, she even gave him a smile.
"Thank you" She offered genuinely. "For what you did for Delia".
"How is she?" His concern for the client he had just successfully defended was equally as genuine.
"Her social worker is putting a team together". She continued to fill him in, her voice grateful, relieved, and almost cheerful.
Hearing her talk like this even just about a case brought a sparkle to his green eyes, they hadn't done this in a very long time. It really was just like "the old days".
"PT, therapy cognitive rehab and it turns out that Ty had a settlement from a construction site accident which is now hers, so all things considered she is in a better place".
Barba couldn't help himself "Unlike the two of us".
She nodded in silent acquiescence.
And there they were, immediately back to the present, the here and now, what their close relationship had now become.
One upon a time and without any hesitation whatsoever it would have been Olivia Benson picking up the phone to Rafael Barba, asking him for the favour. The call to defend domestic violence victim and "murderer" Delia Hackman had come from their friend and colleague Amanda Rollins. Just over three weeks ago he had sat in the self-same spot asking Liv how many other lawyers she had called first.
"Three" She had admitted.
There had been very little chat other than, some thanks, he promising to do his best to acquit Delia and Liv telling him everything comes to an end; She was responding to his comment about the time they had spent together here in Forlini's and the bar's closure after some 79 years as a New York staple, but he couldn't help but feel she was actually talking about them. She had refused his offer of a drink saying she couldn't stay. Quietly but almost in desperation her had assured her that it was possible to sit with someone, have a drink and not say a single word to each other. They hadn't even looked directly at each other; all of the somewhat stilted conversation being exchanged in the long highly polished mirror above the bar. Even his implored heartfelt "I miss you Liv" Had not persuaded the SVU Captain to stay.
"You are still holding on to this?" He asked pointedly.
A mirthless smile lifted her lips, she turned to face the bar, again nodding silently. He saw her take a deep breath before turning slowly to look directly at him for the first time since they were in court.
"I asked you not to defend Wheatly". She said slowly, her beautiful brown eyes hard and dark as they met defiant green.
"And now he's dead". He said flatly. "We've been over this. I was trying to protect you".
When Rafael Barba had agreed to defend the exceedingly wealthy and unscrupulous criminal Richard Wheatly for the murder of Kathy Stabler, Oliva Benson had pleaded with him not to do it. When he had said no, she had of course asked him why? He had assured her that one of the main reasons was to protect her. Barba felt certain that if Wheatly hired another shark, as he put it, not only would they put Elliot Stabler and the NYPD as a whole on trial, they would put her on trial too. And not just her partnership with the former SVU detective but their personal relationship as well.
"He should not have been allowed anywhere near the investigation they will eviscerate you on the stand maybe even end your career".
He had hoped that there had been no malice in his tone, he was not trying to undermine her as a police officer, just simply trying to point out how another defence attorney would view her allowing Elliot Stabler to be so closely involved in the investigation into his wife's murder. Normal protocol would have been for her and the NYPD to recuse Stabler from the investigation.
"So which is it? She had angrily asked him. "Are you protecting me or is this your defence attorney outrage or is this about Stabler?"
At the time the lawyer had admitted to it probably being the first two, he didn't know Stabler. That said he had heard enough, knew as much as he wanted or need to know, but whatever his feelings towards Liv's former SVU partner were, Rafael Barba was professional enough to put them aside, what he was not professional enough to put aside at this moment in time were his feelings towards his closest friend of the last ten years. One way or another he would defend Olivia Benson with his dying breath, she just couldn't or wouldn't see it… not then and not now anyway.
"I didn't ask you to". Her tone was one of resigned exasperation.
"No I guess you didn't" He acknowledged sadly, knowing another time, another place, another case she might have been furious with him as she had been so many times in the past, but she would also have been grateful to him for looking out for her, she would have forgiven him, this was different.
"I hear you".
He actually could understand that his male pride was just a little wounded. But there was something he couldn't understand no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he went over it, no matter which way he looked at it and it hurt like hell. Before he could stop himself the thought he had had so many time in the last six or so months had formulated into words and the question was out there.
"What I don't get, why you feel more anger towards me than you ever let yourself feel towards Stabler?" He couldn't look at her as he spoke, whilst his tenor might have been questioning, laced with anger, the hurt in his words would have been so easily reflected in his eyes.
"You don't know anything about my feelings for Elliot and you don't know him".
Barba was biting his tongue there was so much he wanted to say but he knew it would only make things worse.
"I got a glimpse." He managed almost flippantly.
"I've known him for 23 years and he always had my back".
Again Barba bit his tongue at what he really wanted to say, going for what he felt was a "softer" option.
"And you grew up without a father to protect you".
"Please don't".
He could feel the anger emanating from her body as she tried to stop him.
"And I grew up in a home in a neighbourhood where I got bullied. We are going to see him through different prisms".
"This isn't about him; this is about you and me and how you betrayed me".
Barba hated hearing her say that again. The first time she'd said it had been like a kick in the gut, he had lost count of the amount of times it had replayed over in his head recounting her words verbatim.
"Just so we are clear, I feel betrayed by you, and I don't know how I will ever get over it".
It hurt none the less now. The fact she still felt it actually hurt all the more. He had not betrayed her; he had done his job, a job he felt he had to do for her, unfortunately it had meant defending and out and out scum bag like Richard Wheatly, but he had done it for her. Even if he didn't say it Barba felt this entire situation was totally about Elliot Stabler.
"I asked you not to defend Wheatly and you did anyway".
There was so much he wanted to say, as an attorney his brain went down the precedents route, but this really wasn't the time to cite their old cases, remind her of the times in the past they had disagreed so vehemently over the defence or not of someone. But those other cases did not revolve around Elliot Stabler.
"We are just going around in circles denying and deflecting, you defend him. It's okay I get it."
He rooted around in his pockets as he spoke, looking for cash to pay his bill and feeling the need to just get away, anger and pain that he couldn't control threatening to overwhelm him.
"It's okay I get it it's what you do when you love somebody unconditionally". He couldn't meet the angry eyes that he instinctively knew were fixed upon him.
"Please don't tell me how I feel." She bit at him.
He could hear the resentment in her voice, but he wasn't essentially talking about her, it really wasn't just about her and her feelings. His wounded green eyes finally met the sparkling brown which were watching him intently.
"In this case I can."
He tried to stop himself, but he couldn't the words tumbling from his lips. "Because I know how it feels to love someone unconditionally". He fought desperately with his emotion as it burnt the back of his throat and pricked at his eyes.
Olivia said nothing just shook her head slightly as if perhaps his words had some resonance.
"When you are ready to stop feeling betrayed by me, I'll be here". Frustration, anger and deep sadness flowed through him as he dropped his money on the bar and grabbed his jacket. Getting up from the bar stool he made to leave.
"Raffa"
"What?" He asked testily, hurrying by.
"I miss you too."
On the pavement outside the bar he took a deep steadying breath, closing his eyes momentarily to clear his head, her husky words still resonating in his ears, they couldn't have hurt more if she punched him in the stomach at the same time. He hailed a cab and sliding into the back seat he gave the driver his address.
"You okay with the music?" The driver enquired amiably.
Barba hadn't really noticed it until now.
"Of course" He replied feeling it would curtail any chit chat that he definitely wasn't in the mood for.
The driver nodded in his rear view mirror.
"You can't beat the Chairman of The Board". He said his toothy white grin increasing with the volume.
Barba couldn't help but smile at the irony as he finally exited the cab, thanking the driver and rewarding him with a large tip. The Cole Porter classic which filled the small space was a very fitting soundtrack…In the roaring traffics boom. He got out of the elevator and went into his apartment dropping his briefcase it clattered onto the polished wooden floor…in the silence of my lonely room, I think of you.
Slinging his jacket unceremoniously over one of the high back stools in his kitchen he took a heavy crystal tumbler from the cupboard, decanted himself another large scotch and sank down into one of his oversized armchairs. Taking a hefty mouthful from the glass he ran his fingers through his hair. The classic Sinatra song still reverberating around in his head along with Olivia Benson; So a voice within me keeps repeating you, you, you, night, and day. Why the hell couldn't it have been New York New York playing in the cab.