Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed my little foray back into he world of fanfiction.
Despite the amusing comment earlier and their strained friendship of recent months, Rafael Barba really did know Olivia Benson "that well". It was exactly that knowing and understanding that kept him firmly in his seat, sensing she needed the space between them clearing the dishes afforded her. If they didn't get much beyond her last statement he would feel a lot happier than he did a few hours ago, maybe this was how she got over it, or at least began to…he could only but hope. She was here after all and at least they were talking he silently reassured himself.
Through the silky back of his vest and the expensive cotton of his white shirt Barba felt the totally unexpected warmth of her hands on his shoulders.
"There are actually three places."
She noticed Barba shift his head all be it very slightly, the question she knew it heralded remained unasked.
"After the Mickey Davis case, just as you were leaving, we ran into each other on the street."
Again she saw a brief inclination of his head but this time it was a definite nod.
"You asked me if I had actually been defending myself because of the way I'd had to leave the DA's office."
Of course he would remember, his recall was always excellent, but it was the start of 2021 it was a difficult time to forget.
"I did and you said you cannot change the past." She squeezed the broad shoulders beneath her hands, the tension in his body palpable. Liv felt another pang of guilt, just like the earlier scene she had walked into and the open bottle of scotch, she knew she was responsible.
"I told you I just missed it, and I missed you. As we've said we have been through some rough cases together and some even rougher times personally, but I would go through them all again if I could put that time turner back to when you were here in my life every day. I could face them all over with you, each and every one."
For a moment Liv thought about Elliot, the crux of why all of this had come about in the first place. If she were having this unlikely time turner centric conversation with him could she say the same thing? The answer took that same moment to think about…no.
The enormity of her words continued to sink in. Barba swallowed hard; Barba swallowed very hard, still concentrating on the glass of wine before him he spoke softly, he spoke very softly…
"I've lost count of the days I wake up thinking I am still at the DA's office, other days I wake up wishing that I was still there." His voice was laced with a wishful tone.
"That I am going to see you, some way or another spend my day working with you, maybe sparring, or even arguing with you over something or another, but still sharing a drink at the end of it. Even before Richard Wheatly's trial I would think about you every day, I'd smile wondering what case you were working, the smile would broaden wondering how you would have worked the case I was dealing with. After his trial I thought about you even more, but I didn't smile, my heart breaking all over as every day I wondered if you were ever going to speak to me again, or if you would ever forgive my betrayal."
The word almost stuck in his throat his body overwhelmed with misery just as it always was when he recalled those harsh words, and the severe look on her beautiful face. The hands that had been squeezing his shoulders slid down across his chest wrapping him in an even more astonishing hug. Her soft cheek came to rest against his, her oh so familiar scent invading his nostrils. His eyes drifted shut relishing both her smell and the connection. Barba held his breath not wanting this moment to end but at the same time wondering where it was going. He savoured her closeness and her touch, his body once more overwhelmed but with completely different emotions.
"Raffa you and I have been in a messy, hard painful place for too long, because I …"
"No." His hands instantly came to cover hers before he lifted one to his lips kissing it gently. He held it there for a few seconds his lips resting against her fingers before continuing to speak. Still in a soft but this time much firmer tone.
"We both had our reasons for doing and saying what we did, we both believed wholeheartedly in those reasons, neither of us was at fault for that and I am not sure even with our favourite time turner either of us would do anything differently if we had the opportunity."
His fingers tightened around hers.
"That said we are both very much at fault for letting it go on. We have been friends for too long, we certainly have been through too much together to have not been brave enough to confront it, slug it out, it's not like things could have got any worse than they already were."
She freed her other hand from under his and caressed his cheek, both of them still staring ahead at his half empty wine glass. Olivia knew the always eloquent lawyer was right, neither of them would say sorry outright because they both believed what they had done and said at the time was right and would most probably do the same a second time around, she had already contemplated that.
"I can't argue with any of that counsellor, we are both very single minded people. In hindsight slugging it out instead of letting it fester might have been the way to go. As you say it couldn't have been any worse than it already was."
Her mind flashed back to some of those quarrels she'd thought about earlier in the day..
"After you left the bar I also got to thinking about some of the disagreements we'd had in the past, there were some humdingers, but we always ended up friends again...eventually".
It made them sound like two fighting children, she felt him press his head against her cheek, his slightly greying hair tickling her face.
"Do you remember when my grandmother passed way?" He suddenly asked.
"I do, funnily enough it too crossed my mind this afternoon and I know exactly what you are going to say."
Barba heard the smiling inflection in her tone, unsure if he was surprised or not at her recollection…
"You asked me what I was going to be doing when I was 85 and I said squabbling with you."
The fact that he too recalled this particular memory stirred an odd little emotion in Liv.
"You know I can still picture your face as you sat across from my desk, you smiled a little wistfully and said wouldn't that be nice."
"I might have revised my thoughts on that over the last few months."
His response was typical of the sharp talking lawyer and Liv had to laugh out loud.
"Much as I hate not being able to see and work with you every day, I at least want to know you smile when you think about me."
The muscles in his face contorted into one of those smiles beneath her fingers.
"And I want the next call for help from SVU to come from its Captain, I don't like being the elephant in any room and especially not in your squad room."
Liv smiled too.
"Hmm and talking of Rollins." She subtly let him know that she was well aware that her colleague had filled him in on more of that particular conversation than she had.
"You and Carisi going head to head in the courtroom is proving very interesting."
Entertaining might have been a more accurate choice of words, but it somehow felt a little inappropriate.
This time it was Barba who out and out laughed at her observation.
"He has turned into a first rate advocate; he has a nice way with him in the courtroom and jurors like him".
Barba was happy to bestow the well-deserved praise upon the young man who had started out as brash, far from empathetic replacement for Nick Amaro at SVU and who had decided to take the bar. He had followed Barba around like and eager puppy, attending every one of his closing arguments, it was a joy now to see him in action even if he was opposing counsel. You could never accuse Barba of not relishing a challenge in the courtroom. He was still smiling at Liv's remark as he felt her forefinger slip down his bearded cheek, stopping at the very base of his chin, the pressure she applied drawing his face towards her. For the first time in a while they looked directly at each other.
"He had a first rate mentor who has an unequivocal way in the courtroom."
She mimicked his words noticing his eyes sparkle at her compliment. Despite the fact that Liv remained standing, their faces were only inches apart, her hand was still on his cheek, hers was still grasped in his.
"In Forlini's I told you not to tell me how I feel." She purposely didn't comment on his response.
She had avoided thinking about it directly after he had left and if she was being honest she hadn't been entirely sure how it had been meant, she wasn't entirely sure how she wanted it to be meant. Their closeness now, the innocuous yet intimate way in which they were touching spoke volumes as did the look in those beautiful green eyes of his. It was a domino effect, as things tumbled very quickly into place for Olivia Benson, none of which she had was going to voice aloud at this moment except for one…
"But you do know how I feel don't you Raffa, you know exactly how I feel?" Her voice was almost husky, soft and questioning, her brown eyes searching his handsome face.
No matter how deep their friendship went, no matter what affection they had for each other they had always remained the consummate professionals that they both were. Boundaries had often been pushed sometimes to the limits for whatever reason but never crossed, especially not the one between friendship and anything more. She'd been scared to, she loved that deep affectionate friendship they shared, and she hadn't wanted anything to change it or damage it, nothing. That had been taken out of her hands when Barba had defended Wheatly or so she had thought, but she could change all of that now, they both could. She hoped above hope that she knew him as well as he did her.
His expressive face was hidden behind that lawyer's façade giving nothing away, but those eyes spoke directly to her soul, just as they had done on so many occasions in the past and but a few short hours ago. Her palm rested against his cheek his fingers tightened around hers.
"I love you Raffa unconditionally and with all my heart."