Kazuma opened his eyes to the watery dawn light peeping in between the curtains. His eyes started to slip closed again, but then he jolted properly awake with a start, a little frisson of anticipation running through him. Smothering a yawn, he rolled over and freed an arm from the tangle of blankets. His questing hand met the bedside table and groped along the surface until he felt the smooth expanse of paper beneath his fingertips. He dragged the calendar onto the bed and squinted down at it blearily.
Rows of neat red X's marched across the page, each line stretching precisely from corner to corner of every box. He counted the blank squares that the X's had not yet encroached upon, leading up to the date heavily circled in black ink. Seven days. Exactly one week until Ryunosuke and Susato's ship docked.
It had been nearly a year and a half since he'd seen them, and even that had barely counted. He hadn't had much time with them while dealing with the aftermath of the Reaper trial, and then they'd been gone by the time he was settled in enough to really sit down and visit with them. Or maybe that was just an excuse. He had still been so shaken up then, roiling with grief and anger and a niggling sense of guilt he did his best to ignore, that he hadn't been in the right headspace to have a proper conversation with them. Not a serious one about the secrets he'd kept from them and the unsavory things he'd done or nearly managed to do. About things he wasn't proud of. Maybe he had deliberately avoided it, and in doing so, he had avoided meeting his friends in a personal enough setting where such a conversation might be struck up until it was too late and they were gone.
He had missed them terribly, and the news of their visit had filled him with such a burning excitement that van Zieks still periodically asked if he was losing his mind because he was grinning like a loon. He had bought the calendar the day he received the letter announcing his friends' plans and had religiously marked off every day since. The anticipation made it hard to focus, and he frequently lost himself in daydreaming as he imagined the reunion and planned out all the things they needed to do during their stay, much to van Zieks's despair and the detriment of his work.
Now, as they entered the final stretch of waiting, this last week before he would see Ryunosuke and Susato again, a more practical and less thrilling prospect began looming larger in Kazuma's mind. Namely, would they need to have that talk he'd put off having? It had never seemed right to discuss such serious matters in their letters, so they had never gotten around to it. Perhaps Kazuma could just continue ignoring it the way he always had. Ryunosuke and Susato were kind to a fault. They would let him get away with it. Those days were long behind them now, an unpleasant memory, and Kazuma need never acknowledge them again.
Still… Maybe he owed them some kind of explanation now that he had enough distance to look back and pick apart his past motivations and actions with more insight. Maybe he needed to do that in order for them to realize exactly how much he had grown and changed over these past months.
Because there was one thing stopping him from ignoring the past entirely: Karuma. Ryunosuke had written that he was bringing Karuma back to England with him, and Kazuma's driving need to be worthy of his father's blade, to have overcome his darkness and grown into someone deserving again, very much hinged on the past and how far he'd come from it.
He hadn't quite decided what he might or might not say on the matter yet, but as that day drew closer, he was starting to worry about it more.
He would rather not think about such things, worrying himself in circles searching for answers, so he set the calendar aside and slid out of bed. He had work to do, after all. There would be time for fruitless fretting later.
When he arrived at the office some twenty minutes early, it was empty. This was unusual. Van Zieks seemed to make it a point of pride to always arrive before Kazuma, even when they were between cases and there was no good reason to be putting in overtime. Kazuma had once voiced this suspicion to van Zieks himself and been rewarded with the most condescending look he'd seen in all his life, which was saying something given his mentor's penchant for supercilious scorn. Kazuma still had to smile as he remembered van Zieks's pique when he said, "Where do you even come up with such nonsense? I had a life before you, Mr. Asogi, and my schedule predates your arrival in my office. Don't flatter yourself."
That said, it was still a small victory to beat the man at his own game. And Kazuma did still believe it was some kind of game despite van Zieks's curt denial. Maybe a one-sided game dreamed up in Kazuma's imagination, but a game nonetheless.
He crossed the room with a spring in his step and knelt down at his desk, but his smug satisfaction evaporated at the sight of the note that had been left in the middle of his workspace. An address was scrawled across the top in van Zieks's precise handwriting, followed by a terse message: Murder discovered this morning. Meet me at the scene.
Kazuma muttered something that would have made his prim, uptight mentor sputter in horrified disbelief and stomped out of the Prosecutor's Office to hail a carriage. At which point his mind went blank and he couldn't recall the address, so he left the carriage waiting outside and stomped all the way back to their office to retrieve the note he'd left on his desk.
It took nearly ten minutes to reach the building in question. The door to the flat was cracked open, and he pushed his way inside to see van Zieks and the detective acting as Gina's mentor standing next to a body seeping blood into the floorboards. They watched Gina skeptically as she crouched on the floor and waved a scrap of fabric back and forth under Toby's nose.
"'E's got the scent, 'e does," she said proudly as the dog gave a sharp bark. "Ain't you a good boy?"
"Ah, Mr. Asogi," van Zieks said, gaze shifting to the doorway at the sound of Kazuma's footsteps. "How good of you to join us."
Kazuma scowled. "Yes, well, I came as soon as I saw your note. If you wanted me sooner, you should have sent a message."
"And deprive you of your exclusive daydreaming time? I think not. You're about as useful to me at home as at the office these days, with all your mooning about."
Van Zieks's voice lacked any kind of sharp edge and his eyes glittered, but Kazuma's scowl deepened anyway. It was too early in the morning to be teased, especially if the taunt had an unpleasant kernel of truth to it.
"You're insufferable," he muttered.
"Yer just in time, 'Soggy!" Gina said cheerfully. "We found a bit o' cloth in this gent's 'and. Tore it clean off 'is attacker, I reckon. I fetched Chief Inspector Toby to lead the investigation, and now we're gonna follow the trail an' see where it leads. Blimey, look at 'im go!"
Toby leaped forward, barreling right towards…the victim sprawled across the floor. He nosed at the body, yipping and wagging his tail rapidly.
Gina scratched her head. "Er… 'E might be a bit confused. C'mon, Toby. That ain't right."
"Maybe the fabric smells like the victim too after being clutched in his hand for goodness knows how long," Kazuma said.
Van Zieks sighed through his nose, regarding the scene with ill-disguised exasperation. "At least he didn't go haring off outside. Miss Lestrade, I thought I told you to put a lead on him. You were supposed to fetch one."
"An' I did!" Gina protested, digging a leash out of her pocket and brandishing it. "But 'e don't really like it, see. Works better wivout it, I reckon. 'E's a free dog."
"Put the lead on him at once," van Zieks said, unmoved. "I am not going to chase a dog down the street, and we'd risk losing track of him."
"That would be undignified," Kazuma said, perking up at the thought of van Zieks scrambling through the London streets after a small dog, arms windmilling wildly to keep his balance as he raced with breakneck speed to keep up. "Your reputation might never recover."
Van Zieks turned a dour glare on his apprentice. "Whatever foolishness you are thinking, cease at once."
"I'm not thinking anything."
"While that does often seem to be the case, I am quite sure that daft look on your face spells trouble. If you're going to insist on woolgathering on the job, at least confine your fantasies to your personal affairs."
"Woolgathering?" Kazuma asked, tasting the unfamiliar term and rolling it around on his tongue.
"Daydreaming. Indulging your fantastical delusions."
Kazuma snorted. "That's quite a leap, from daydreaming to delusions."
"The deranged look on your face makes me think such a leap is justified," van Zieks said sourly.
Kazuma had to laugh.
"Oi, will you lot quit yer bickerin'?" Gina asked, clipping the lead to Toby's collar. "We're back in business! Chief Inspector Toby 'as the scent!"
Toby fell into a frenzy of barking, straining at the leash until Gina winced and complained that her hand would fall off. The little group followed the dog out into the street, leaving the scene in the hands of a few other detectives still in the process of securing the building.
Toby led them down several blocks, tugging so hard that poor Gina was yanked along at an uncomfortably quick clip and nearly lost her grip before Kazuma hurriedly fisted a hand in the leash to help control the excited animal.
Finally, they arrived at a new building. Toby jumped at the door, yipping and pawing at the wood.
"Pull him away from the door and step back," van Zieks said. "We don't need him accosting anyone who might be inside."
"Or getting hurt if things go south?" Kazuma suggested with a sly grin.
Despite van Zieks's blatant skepticism when it came to Toby's abilities and general irritation with all the fuss that always came along with him, Kazuma had caught him petting the dog on multiple occasions when he thought no one was looking.
"Just get away from the door," van Zieks grumbled, shooing Kazuma and Gina backwards.
They retreated a few steps down the hall while van Zieks knocked on the door. There was a new tension to his shoulders, and Gina's mentor had a hand tucked beneath his coat where a firearm might lie hidden.
Van Zieks had just raised a hand to knock again when footsteps shuffled across the floorboards inside and the door swung open to reveal none other than Sholmes himself. For some reason, this made van Zieks look even more eager to draw his sword rather than easing his tension.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded.
Sholmes laughed loudly, undeterred by the hostile glare boring into him. "Why, the same as you, I expect! It's about time you decided to join us. We were starting to think you weren't coming."
"This area is potentially linked to a crime," van Zieks snapped. "Until Scotland Yard has had the chance to examine the scene and deemed it eligible for release, you are not permitted to be here."
"Who is 'we'?" Kazuma asked.
"I'm glad you asked!" Sholmes said, beaming at Kazuma as if he hadn't heard van Zieks. "Come in and say hello. It's the polite thing to do."
He stood aside, holding open the door and gesturing into the room graciously. Van Zieks shoved past and stopped dead. Kazuma and Gina crowded behind him, craning their necks to see into the room.
It was an unassuming, bare-bones room without much to look at, except for Iris kneeling on the floor beside a small table.
"Hello, Mr. Barry!" she said brightly. "Oh, is that Kazu and Ginny too? How lovely!"
Kazuma dared to shove at van Zieks's back and squeeze past him into the room. His mentor's jaw worked soundlessly as he stared at Iris, and he didn't even reprimand Kazuma for pushing him. Instead, he rounded on Sholmes with blazing eyes.
"What do you think you're doing, dragging your ward to crime scenes?"
"Come now, my dear fellow," Sholmes said blithely. "The murder didn't take place here, after all, and she's a very sensible girl. You surely wouldn't banish her?"
Van Zieks looked as if he might explode with barely restrained fury, but he mashed his lips together to keep from saying whatever was on his mind. Kazuma coughed to cover his laugh, not keen on attracting his mentor's redirected ire. Van Zieks had always been ruthless about kicking Sholmes off of his crime scenes, but it seemed the great detective had devised a new strategy to combat this. Van Zieks would think twice before tossing his beloved niece out on her ear.
"You have some nerve," van Zieks bit out in a low voice.
Sholmes only doubled over laughing.
"There's not much to see here," Iris said. "Although Hurley talked to the landlord to get some information on the tenant, if you're feeling brave enough to ask him about it."
"We will speak to the landlord ourselves," van Zieks said. "It will be a much quicker and less aggravating process."
"The only really interesting thing we found is this pile of dirt someone tracked in. It's such an unusual reddish color that I think we have a chance to determine exactly where the suspect picked it up from. If you just give me a minute to examine it, maybe I can tell you something helpful."
Sholmes raised his eyebrows at van Zieks and waggled them in an infuriatingly smug manner.
"Your valuable insight might prove useful to us," van Zieks said through gritted teeth, glowering at Sholmes.
Kazuma and Gina crossed the room to peer at the heap of scattered reddish dirt Iris was examining. Muddy footprints tracked to and from the pile.
"Looks like two sets," Kazuma mused. He set his foot next to one experimentally for comparison. "Both look like adult male sizes."
"Maybe we can track 'em!" Gina said, squinting down at the floorboards and following a set of prints in drunken loops around the room. "Well, this fellow seems to 'ave been walkin' in flamin' circles. We'd 'ave better luck findin' somefin' for Toby to take a sniff at."
"It might be useful to track his movements in here too," Kazuma said, following after her. "Maybe we can get an idea of what he was up to. Oh, right here. Now they're heading for the door and…"
He trailed off as the line of footprints ended abruptly at Sholmes's feet. He stared at them for a moment before looking up at the detective.
"Er… Mr. Sholmes? Is it possible that you walked through Iris's dirt pile?"
Sholmes whipped up his leg in an impressive display of flexibility, nearly kicking Kazuma in the nose, and hopped about on one foot as he caught the other in his hand and twisted it about to peer at the sole of his shoe.
"Well, what do you know?" he crowed. "I seem to have collected some evidence!"
This was too much for van Zieks, who puffed up to twice his usual size in a truly formidable fashion.
"Sholmes!" he roared. Sholmes promptly lost his precarious balance and toppled to the floor in a heap. "You are obliterating evidence and destroying the crime scene! Look at this mess!" He gestured wildly at the swarm of footprints nearly obscuring the smaller set beneath, then seemed to do a double take and pointed at the wall opposite. "On the wall as well? How did you even get up there?"
Sure enough, a handful of muddy footprints climbed the wall in no less than three separate places, reaching an impressive and improbable height.
"Ah," said Sholmes, picking himself up and dusting off his jacket. "You see, I was merely testing–"
"Get out!"
"Don't you want to hear my deduction about the–?"
"No! Get out!"
"I've got it!" Iris said, drawing the argument up short. She prodded at the grit sticking to the end of the magnet she'd produced from thin air—who didn't carry emergency magnets around just in case?—and smiled wide in satisfaction. "The reddish color suggests that the soil is rich in iron, and there are some odd flecks in here that I was trying to place. They're magnetic, and I think they're iron filings. I think you're looking for an ironworks, specifically one located in an area with iron-rich soil. I'm guessing the iron shavings are leftover waste products from an industrial site."
"You can get all that from a bit of dirt?" Kazuma asked skeptically.
"Well, it's just a theory."
"You might be interested to know that the victim did not work at an ironworks or any sort of industrial factory," Sholmes broke in.
"I already knew that, actually," van Zieks snapped.
"And neither does our suspect. So one might wonder what he could have been doing there. An illicit meeting to contract the building of a secret safe behind the wall to store valuables, perhaps? Hiding the murder weapon? Crafting a legendary sword the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Excalibur? Once I discover which site he–"
"If you set foot within five blocks of any ironworks in the city, I will have the police detain you."
"Oh, you're no fun at all. After all, wasn't it Iris and I who uncovered this valuable clue for you?"
Van Zieks's mouth twisted like he'd tasted something sour.
"Good work," the Yard inspector murmured to Gina. "Let's see if we can find something else for Toby to track."
"Yes, sir!" Gina said, grinning. "I bet I can find somefin' in the closet over there."
For some reason, the little exchange made something in Kazuma's chest twinge. He looked away to see that Iris had skipped across the room to join Sholmes.
"You were as brilliant as ever, my dear," Sholmes said with an indulgent smile. "I'm very proud of you."
Iris beamed up at him, and the knot in Kazuma's chest twisted tighter and tighter. He couldn't put his finger on why exactly it bothered him so much, but suddenly there was a bitter taste in his mouth.
He glanced at van Zieks, but his mentor was observing these other exchanges as well, mouth puckered in disapproval and exasperation.
"Yes, good work, everyone," van Zieks said, clapping his hands together. "Now kindly vacate my crime scene."
The next few hours were a whirlwind of investigation, bouncing from the crime scene to the suspect's apartment to an ironworks that an anonymous tip pointed the Yard towards. Kazuma strongly suspected this tip had come from Sholmes in one of his elaborate disguises, but he did not voice this suspicion to van Zieks. His mentor had been in a somewhat sullen mood after Sholmes's latest shenanigans, and it seemed unwise to prod him back into a towering rage.
They were so busy that they scarcely had time to breathe, much less brood on irrelevant things. It was only after they had retreated to their office to begin the less glamorous work of building dioramas and picking apart witness statements and filling out copious amounts of paperwork that other thoughts began encroaching again. Kazuma frequently found himself staring blankly down at some evidence catalog or witness statement and had to refocus on his work with an effort.
"Is something the matter?" van Zieks asked finally.
Kazuma gave a little start as he was jerked out of his thoughts and twisted around. Van Zieks had been working quietly on constructing a model of the murder scene for the past hour or so, but now he had paused to watch his apprentice with hooded eyes.
"No, nothing," Kazuma said a little too quickly.
Van Zieks studied him in silence for an uncomfortably long moment. "I should hope," he said slowly, "that if something were wrong, you might feel as if you could bring it to me."
"Nothing is wrong," Kazuma said more firmly, turning back to his work.
Van Zieks let it go. They worked in relative silence for a while longer, each focused—or, in Kazuma's case, not focused—on their own tasks.
Kazuma tapped the end of his pen idly against the paperwork he should have been filling out, thinking again of the pride on Sholmes's face earlier and the bright joy suffusing Iris's.
Something touched his shoulder, and he started in surprise and looked up. Van Zieks stared down at him with a very grave expression, leaning over to clamp his hand on Kazuma's shoulder.
"Come here," he said.
Drawing Kazuma up, he steered his apprentice over to his own desk and pushed him down into the chair that had lived there for a year and a half for his use. Rounding the desk, van Zieks sat in his own chair and stared across at Kazuma, steepling his hands on the tabletop.
"What is bothering you?" he asked.
Kazuma shifted uncomfortably. "I already told you. Nothing."
"Yes, and it was a lie then too. You haven't been yourself today. Since we got back to the office, at least. I'm not sure you've produced a single usable page of work in hours."
Kazuma flushed, embarrassed at being called out. "I– Sorry, I've been distracted. Woolgathering, you know. I'll focus right now and get it done."
He started to stand, eager to escape and actually do his job before he got a sharper reprimand.
"Sit down," van Zieks said. Kazuma's mouth snapped shut. He sat. "This is not your usual daydreaming. You are unhappy. Why?"
"That's not really any of your business, is it?"
"…Perhaps not. But it is interfering with your work, and… I do not like to see you unhappy."
Kazuma sighed. "There's nothing you can do. You wouldn't understand."
Van Zieks considered this, brows knitted together and lips pursed. "You could try me."
"What's the point?" Kazuma asked without any heat, more a sigh than an accusation. "It won't change anything, and I don't want to talk about it. It's…silly. Embarrassing. I don't want…"
He scrubbed a hand across his face, weary and exasperated and at a loss. He didn't understand why van Zieks was still pushing. They had grown closer over the months they'd worked together, close enough not to consider each other enemies anymore, at least, but van Zieks was still usually quick to back down at the first sign of resistance when it came to emotional matters.
One corner of van Zieks's mouth quirked upwards in something like a tired half-smile. "We have seen each other at our worst already and moved past it. What do you think you could possibly say that might shock me or make me think any worse of you? I think we are beyond that."
Kazuma squirmed with discomfort, but van Zieks had a point, no matter how bluntly stated. Van Zieks had already seen all the worst parts of Kazuma on full display and chosen to move on from it. If he was still holding a grudge, he hid it well. Kazuma still had the urge to put his best foot forward, but it wasn't as if he could trick van Zieks into thinking he was a perfectly nice, good, innocent person the way he had once tricked Ryunosuke and Susato and Mikotoba. That ship had sailed. Ironically, perhaps van Zieks was the best person Kazuma might voice dark, embarrassing thoughts to, simply because the man's opinion of him couldn't possibly be lowered much further.
"It's not like that," Kazuma said with a sigh. "Just… With Ryunosuke and Susato coming back so soon, it stirred up some old feelings, maybe."
"…Ah. If my presence is that disturbing to you, you may take the rest of the day off to put your head back on straight."
"No!" Kazuma waved his hands frantically, as if he could physically dispel the misunderstanding. "No, not like that. It's not about… It's just that… I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, you know?"
"Yes…" van Zieks said slowly, eyeing him with new caution.
"And I… I…" Kazuma swallowed hard. His chest felt very tight and his face very hot. The damning words escaped in a rush. "I don't think my father would be proud of me, that's all. And I wanted him to be."
He squeezed his trembling hands together in his lap and stared down at them. He wished he hadn't said anything. It was embarrassing to admit to, and somehow it hurt even more to hear the words aloud instead of only in the echo chamber of his skull.
"Oh," van Zieks said very softly. "This I understand."
Kazuma dared a glance up at him. "What?"
Van Zieks's eyes had taken on a misty, remote quality of their own, staring past Kazuma into nothing. "I have…also done things I am not proud of and made very grave mistakes. I expect my family would not be very proud of me either."
Kazuma's fingers tightened around each other, strangling themselves into submission. He hadn't meant to crack open something bigger than himself.
"I'm sure that's not…"
Van Zieks only sighed. "I dragged the family's name through the mud with this Reaper nonsense, and family honor is as important to the English nobility as it is to the Japanese. I made my own errors of judgment, errors that hurt people, and…turned into someone else. They would not even recognize me anymore."
"I'm sure your brother did a worse job of it," Kazuma said, before realizing that probably wouldn't make van Zieks feel any better.
"But Klint is gone, and I am still here making a mess of things." Van Zieks turned his gaze back on Kazuma, his eyes focused and sharp once more. "Everyone does things they are not proud of. You cannot and should not be proud of every mistake you make, but that does not mean that you are unworthy of pride. You are more than the sum of your mistakes. You did not turn into someone else, not really. Only lost your way for a time. Everyone falters sometimes."
"Yes, but I– I was…"
Kazuma cringed thinking back on his many missteps and wrong turns from that dark period in his life. The dishonorable and immoral things he'd done or nearly resorted to. He had done them for the sake of clearing his father's name, and that somehow made it worse. His father would not have approved at all. Kazuma shied away from the thought of the disappointment reflected in his eyes. He had respected and admired his father above anyone, and let him down in spectacular fashion.
"I cannot speak for your father," van Zieks said gravely, leaning forward and catching Kazuma's eyes again. "It is not my place. But for what it's worth… What I can speak on… I am very proud of you, Mr. Asogi."
"Y-you?" Kazuma stammered, taken aback.
Van Zieks nodded once, solemn features unchanging. "Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but… You have come a long way. I have watched you fight for every inch, make your penance for your mistakes, and strive to overcome your faults and become a better person. A person who is just and honorable and eager to improve the world. And if I can see that… Someone who was biased against you from the start, prejudiced against your family and your people, unwilling to give you the benefit of the doubt… If I am proud of you, then how much easier would it be for someone who has loved you from the very beginning?"
Kazuma's lips trembled, and his throat felt very thick. His breath hitched in his chest, that thing inside him twisting tighter and tighter in a bittersweet ache.
Van Zieks's earnestness had blindsided him. While van Zieks might not be as unfeeling and heartless as people often assumed, he did not often broach delicate emotional topics. He certainly did not articulate his own feelings.
And yet now he was, just so that Kazuma could compare his mentor's less worthy feelings to those of his father. Van Zieks might not speak for Genshin, but in speaking for himself, he was lightly prodding Kazuma to draw his own conclusions. And that was a very gentle kindness that Kazuma had not expected or felt like he deserved.
"You don't have to just say that," Kazuma rasped.
"When have I ever lied to you?" van Zieks asked, affronted. His grave, earnest manner began sliding back towards a more familiar and comfortable irritation. "Certainly not in order to spare your feelings."
Kazuma coughed out a strangled sort of laugh and scrubbed at his face. "Can I…? Can I ask you a favor?"
"What is it?"
He folded his hands in his lap again and stared down at them. "When Ryunosuke returned to Japan after your trial, I sent my sword—my father's sword—back with him. I'd dishonored it, giving in to my demons and even damaging it during my altercation with Inspector Gregson. He's holding on to it for me until I'm worthy to take it up again. And now he's coming back to London in a week, and he's bringing it with him."
He paused, searching for the words or working up the courage.
"Yes…?" van Zieks said warily.
Kazuma glanced up at him from beneath his lashes, noting the apprehension tightening the lines of his mentor's face. "I hurt you the most," he said. "And you've been with me every step of the way since, watching me grow and guiding me. I think you're probably the best judge. Do you…? Do you think I've come far enough yet?"
Van Zieks drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You're asking the wrong person," he said in a very soft, gentle voice that Kazuma had never heard before, like he was trying to let his apprentice down gently. "I can't tell you that."
"But–"
"It doesn't matter what I think, Mr. Asogi. You forfeited your right to your family blade because you felt unworthy of it. The only one who can decide if you're worthy now…is you. That's a question you need to ask yourself and really take the time to think about, and it might require some soul-searching. It's a decision that you need to feel comfortable with." Van Zieks paused before adding, "But if it were up to me, I would have returned your blade to you a long time ago."
Kazuma swallowed hard. "Thank you."
Van Zieks looked away. "Take the rest of the afternoon off."
"But–!"
"You have a lot on your mind, and it isn't as if you're getting much work done here anyway. You may resume your work tomorrow—hopefully with more focus. I will finish up here today."
Kazuma drew in another breath to protest, but then let it out in a sigh. Truthfully, he wasn't getting much of anything done while his mind was so unfocused, and what he'd managed to complete was likely of inferior quality. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he was spinning his wheels uselessly here. There was no point struggling to hide it when van Zieks had already seen through him.
"Alright," he said. "Sorry for being so scatterbrained and useless today. I'll have myself sorted out by tomorrow."
"It's no trouble… You've already been scatterbrained and useless ever since you received word from Mr. Naruhodo of his impending arrival. I can tolerate that as long as you aren't unhappy whilst doing it."
"You're impossible," Kazuma said with a huff, but he stood and turned away to hide the wobbly smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
He crossed the room but paused in the doorway, twisting back around to regard his mentor. Van Zieks was looking down at the paperwork in front of him, but although he had picked up his pen, it dangled uselessly in his hand and his eyes were not moving across the page to read the words. Maybe even he was prone to a bit of woolgathering from time to time, and it might be Kazuma's fault.
"I hated you for a long time," Kazuma said, and van Zieks raised his head to regard him with flat, empty eyes. "Long before I knew you or even knew your name. I hated the idea of you, maybe. It was easy to blame the prosecutor who condemned my father and put his death at your feet. And goodness knows I did my best to make you pay for it. I was prejudiced against you too, well before we even met.
"But you're really not so bad, you know. Lord Stronghart and his conspirators painted you as the Reaper and dragged your family name through the mud, not you. Even when you went along with it, you were trying to do the right thing. You did a lot of good, working tirelessly to make London safer and get criminals off the streets even when people persecuted you for it. And you have worked tirelessly to make amends for your mistakes, mentoring me and working to overcome your prejudices and fighting to reform the justice system even though you aren't the one who broke it in the first place. And you can be kind, even though you try to hide it. You've come a long way too.
"And if even I can see that…then I'm sure your family would too. If you're a different person than you used to be, maybe that's not all bad. People change, you know. I have too. At least you're changing in the right direction. That's probably something to be proud of." Kazuma paused and then added, "Anyway, Iris adores you, and she is actually your family. That should count for something."
Van Zieks stared at him, expression frozen and unchanging. "…That you can even bring yourself to say such things to me shows how far you have come, I think."
Kazuma smiled then, the tension in his chest unclenching, because he thought van Zieks was probably right. About a lot of things, maybe. Kazuma did probably have some soul-searching to do, but it didn't feel as frightening as it had this morning. Van Zieks was insightful and clever and wasn't prone to sugarcoating the truth just to make his apprentice feel better, and Kazuma trusted his judgment. If van Zieks thought Genshin would be proud of his son and thought Kazuma had grown enough to be worthy of Karuma again, then Kazuma would probably come to the same conclusion himself sooner or later.
"Well, I had a good teacher," Kazuma said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He turned and strode from the room so quickly that he nearly missed van Zieks's quiet voice behind him murmuring, "Thank you."