This one-shot takes place around season 16, and is pretty ridiculous. Just some hospital silliness, since I will be having surgery myself soon, and I wanted to write something amusing to try to counteract my fear.
Reviews are welcome! It's lonely on this site, lol.
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"Because your love, your love, your love is my drug"
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"You don't have to be here, you know. It's not necessary."
Olivia looks up from her magazine to see a grouchy face and narrowed eyes peering at her over the side of the hospital bed.
"I don't mind. You shouldn't have to be alone right now."
Amanda rolls her eyes, her delicate features contorting into a scowl. "It's routine surgery, Liv. I'll be out of here in a few hours. It's not like I'm at death's door. And I don't need a baby-sitter."
"Well, you need someone to drive you home, don't you?" Olivia reasons in a placid tone, flipping idly to the next page. "Or were you planning on taking the subway?"
"I'm perfectly capable of taking the subway," Amanda growls in return.
"While you're drugged and in pain?" Olivia arches an eyebrow in challenge, trying not to feel irritated at the younger woman's moodiness. "It's okay to admit you need help, Amanda. You don't have to be Super Woman all the time."
Their conversation is interrupted when a cheerful nurse pops her head into the cubicle to let Amanda know that her IV will be inserted in the next few minutes. Olivia watches as Amanda nods mutely in response and notices how quiet the detective becomes once they are alone again, Amanda appearing uncharacteristically nervous.
"What's the matter? Are you okay?" she asks in concern, setting the magazine aside and focusing all of her attention on her colleague now.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Amanda waves a seemingly flippant hand in her direction, a faint tremble in her tone.
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am." The detective's arms fold resolutely over her chest, her lower lip protruding in a slight pout.
Olivia sighs audibly, wondering why everything has to be a battle between them, even right before surgery. "Seriously? What are you, a toddler? Just tell me what's wrong, Amanda."
The other woman is stubbornly silent, refusing to meet her gaze, and Olivia grins teasingly as a thought occurs to her. "Hey, you're not scared of needles, are you?"
"No, of course not," Amanda murmurs in a meek voice, and then immediately clears her throat gruffly. "Why would I be scared of something so stupid?"
"Well, that sounded convincing," Olivia chuckles knowingly as her smile widens.
"What are you so happy about?" Amanda snaps in reply, Olivia pretending to shiver in terror at the fierce glare aimed her way and hoping Amanda will lighten up a bit, but only succeeding in making her grumpier.
"Nothing," she replies lightly with an innocent shrug of her shoulders. "It's just nice to know that Detective Rollins is a mere mortal like the rest of us."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean it's nice to see you acting like a human being with actual fears," Olivia explains gently, trying not to focus on how cute Amanda looks in her oversized hospital gown, and keeping that particular thought to herself. "You don't have to act like you're so tough when you don't feel that way."
"I am tough," Amanda insists with a frown, the shaking of her folded arms giving her away.
"Sure you are," Olivia replies with a smirk and a placating nod. "Would the tough detective like someone to hold her hand when the IV goes in?"
She grins again at the blush that colors Amanda's cheeks and the offended expression on her face. "I don't need anyone to hold my damn hand, Olivia. I'm an adult, not a child."
"Could have fooled me, but okay, suit yourself." Olivia shrugs again and goes back to her magazine, observing Amanda's skittish demeanor out of the corner of her eye but choosing not to mention anything more about it.
When the nurse returns with a cart full of supplies to start getting Amanda prepped for surgery, Olivia notices Amanda's breathing becoming slightly labored and the color leaching from her skin, leaving her shuddering and pale. Without saying a word, she puts the magazine down and leans over to casually grip the metal bar on the side of the bed, letting her hand rest there.
A suitable vein proves difficult to locate, and when the nurse is on her third try and Amanda is wincing and gritting her teeth, legs squirming beneath the thin hospital blanket, Olivia feels a small, cold hand cover hers on the rail. She smiles softly at the detective and links their fingers together, giving her a comforting squeeze.
Once the IV is finally in, Amanda breathes an audible sigh of relief and instantly pulls her hand away, murmuring a sheepish thank you as a deep blush returns to her face. Olivia doesn't make any more quips about being afraid of needles, and simply wishes Amanda a speedy and safe surgery, knowing how embarrassed the other woman is at her display of vulnerability.
Olivia feels a pang in her heart when Amanda's bed is wheeled away, flooded with sympathy and worry, even though she knows her detective will be fine. Gallbladder removal is one of the most common forms of surgery and after a short recovery, Amanda will be able to resume her duties at SVU, but this time without the pain that has been plaguing her for the past few months.
It has been hard to watch the obstinate detective try to make it through every shift as the pain had become worse, an argument starting every time Olivia had suggested desk duty or taking some time off. She has never known anyone this headstrong and unwilling to admit when they are in need of help or rest, smiling to herself and shaking her head affectionately as she concedes that Amanda wouldn't be Amanda if she behaved any other way.
Torn between strangling her and embracing her is how Olivia feels during most of their shifts together, the younger woman getting under her skin in a way that both annoys and intrigues her. She has felt like this from the start, Olivia drawn to the blonde for reasons she is too afraid to examine closely or put a name to, and resolves to be there for Amanda during her recovery, no matter how frustrating an experience it promises to be.
The surgery ends up being short and uneventful, Olivia allowed to join Amanda in the recovery room once she is awake and her pain is under control. Her heart melts when she pokes her head around the corner of the curtained-off bed to see her tough little detective curled up under the sheet, dwarfed by the polka-dotted hospital gown and a wild nest of blonde hair spilling over her shoulders.
"Hey there, sleepyhead," Olivia says softly, taking a cautious step toward the bed and smiling as Amanda's eyelids crack open and hazy blue orbs struggle to focus on her. "How are you feeling?"
The younger woman smiles sluggishly in return and raises an arm as if in greeting, before it falls limply back to her side. "Livvvvv." Amanda draws out her name and giggles drowsily, her head lolling on the pillow. "Livvy Liv Liv." She looks puzzled for a moment, brows wrinkling as she bites her lower lip. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm your ride, remember?" Olivia chuckles at Amanda's adorable state, a rare treat to see her so disarmed, even though it's obvious that Amanda is high as a kite.
"My ride where?" The detective is staring at her like she has just said something completely outlandish, and Olivia sputters out a laugh, quirking an eyebrow.
"Your ride home."
"Huh? I can't drive myself? Or take the subway?"
"Amanda, you just had surgery," Olivia reminds her with a hint of exasperation, not wanting to get into this discussion again.
"What? Get outta here!" Amanda looks utterly stunned for a moment before pulling the blanket down to her thighs and yanking her hospital gown over her breasts, her jaw falling open in wonderment. "Liv, there's bandages under here!"
"Yes, I know," Olivia mutters dryly, an instant blush infusing her cheeks with bright color as she gently takes the gown out of Amanda's grasp and lays it carefully back in place, trying not to catch a glimpse of her colleague's bare body. "You had your gallbladder taken out, remember?"
"I did?" Amanda looks aghast, like this is brand new information, and then much to Olivia's surprise, abruptly on the verge of tears. "But I never told anyone to take it out! What if I need it?"
"Amanda, you gave the surgeon permission," Olivia explains gently, taking her hands into her own and squeezing them comfortingly. "You can live without it. It was causing you pain with all those stones. You're going to feel so much better now."
"Liv, the doctors stole my organs." The dead-serious tone combined with the tremble in Amanda's lower lip and those big blue eyes filled with tears, has Olivia fighting to hold back a burst of laughter, overcome with a wave of protectiveness for her detective.
"I promise they didn't do that," she assures her, stroking a hand over Amanda's forehead to swipe those unruly bangs out of her face and tuck them behind her ear. "Wow, they sure gave you some good drugs, didn't they?"
"They drugged me too?!"
Amanda looks so comically shocked, the situation so bizarre, that Olivia can't hold in her snort of laughter and the urge to lean over and envelop Amanda in a loose hug.
"Everything is okay, sweetie, I promise. Nothing bad is happening here. Everything was done with your consent. And I'm going to take care of you until you feel better. You know you're safe with me, right?"
"Always," Amanda murmurs reverently, Olivia swallowing hard at the sudden lump her throat, misty-eyed herself for a second.
She is taken aback when she attempts to pull away from the embrace and Amanda grabs onto her arm with an unexpectedly fierce grip. "No, don't leave me, Liv. Keep me safe."
"I will, honey," Olivia whispers tenderly, filled with compassion and impulsively pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm not leaving you. I'm going to stay right here until it's okay for you to be released and I can take you home."
"Good," Amanda sighs heavily, Olivia unprepared when the detective reaches up and pulls her into another hug, desperately trying to regain her balance as she almost topples right onto the smaller woman.
"Oh honey, be careful," Olivia admonishes worriedly, trying to disentangle herself and then giving up when Amanda refuses to let go. "Don't hurt yourself. I almost crushed you."
She is surprised by another instant mood change when Amanda lets out a girlish giggle, twining a lock of hair around one of her fingers. "What's so funny?"
"I have a crush," the blonde whispers dramatically, one hand cupped around her mouth like she is trying to keep from revealing the big secret to anyone else in the room.
"Oh, you do?" Olivia is curious and amused but chooses not to question her further, not wanting to put drugged-Amanda in a position she will later regret, undoubtedly leading to the awkwardness and rage of sober-Amanda.
"Actually, I think it's more than a crush. I think I'm in love."
Olivia is caught off guard by this follow-up confession and is hit with a wave of jealously so swift, it nearly takes her breath away and makes her knees buckle. She struggles to breathe evenly and get herself under control, trying not to let on how much she is bothered by this revelation.
"Well, that is one lucky person," she finally murmurs, her heart aching at the huge, goofy grin that stretches across Amanda's face as her eyelids droop closed.
"Get some rest, honey." She lets go of Amanda's hand and strokes her hair again before stepping back from the bed and sitting down on the chair, relieved that this conversation appears to be over.
"No, Liv, you said you wouldn't leave me!" Amanda whimpers loudly, her expression panicked as her eyes fly back open.
Olivia is instantly out of the chair and resuming her position at Amanda's bedside, a soothing hand rubbing circles on her back. "Shhh, I'm not leaving you," she reassures her quickly, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the abrupt the mood swings and finding it hard to keep up. "I'm right here. I just sat down for a minute."
"I don't want you to sit down over there. I want you to sit down here with me," Amanda whines as she pats the minuscule space beside her on the bed.
"Oh, sweetie, I don't think that's a good idea." Olivia raises an eyebrow at the offer, holding in another bout of laughter. "That bed isn't very big and I don't think there's enough room for both of us. I wouldn't want to hurt you."
"There's enough room," Amanda protests as she shifts awkwardly on the mattress and presses herself against the metal rail.
"No, don't do that," Olivia chastises lightly, trying to maneuver Amanda back into the middle of the bed with gentle movements. "You're going to be uncomfortable. This bed is just for you, not me."
"Can I order a bigger bed so we can share?" Amanda is all innocence and sweetness, Olivia's lips twitching in amusement, and she is already disappointed that she will likely never see this endearing side of her colleague again.
"I don't think you can do that," she replies patiently. "I think you just have to take what they give you."
"Well, that's bullshit, isn't it?"
Olivia sputters out a laugh as the feisty version of Amanda makes a brief reappearance, and she can't decide which version charms her more. "Yes, it is," she agrees with another chuckle, a teasing note in her tone now. "You should be able to order whatever size you want, shouldn't you? It's ridiculous that you have to put up with this kind of subpar treatment."
"Well, it's certainly not how I pictured us sharing a bed for the first time, but I would make room for you, Liv, I swear." Amanda's voice is genuine, the expression on her face so open and honest that Olivia feels a lump rise in her throat again. "Even if the bed is too small and it hurts me."
It takes a moment to register exactly what Amanda has just said, Olivia's jaw dropping and her eyes widening as she stares at the younger woman in shock. "You...you've pictured us sharing a bed?"
"Yeah," Amanda replies in a breathy tone, her expression taking on a dreamy quality now. "But it's usually only when I picture us having sex too. Not when I look like Frankenstein's monster."
Olivia is absolutely speechless at Amanda's answer, her heart beating wildly in her chest and her throat so dry it feels like she is about to choke, sweat lining her palms and gathering under her arms.
She is so distracted by Amanda's revelations that she only realizes what the detective is doing when her gown is up over her breasts again and the blanket is down by her knees. "See? A monster," Amanda repeats sadly, gesturing to her mostly-nude form.
"Amanda, stop!" Olivia snaps to attention as she hurriedly tries to cover the younger woman up again, averting her gaze as much as possible and acknowledging that a hospital is probably the best place for her to be right now, since Amanda's confessions and actions are likely to cause heart failure.
"No, Liv, just leave it," Amanda squawks indignantly, shooing her hands away. "It's hot in here. I want to be naked."
"I don't think this is a good place for you to be naked. You should wait until you're in the privacy of your own home," Olivia explains through gritted teeth and rising impatience, eventually having to give up on wrestling the gown and blanket out of Amanda's grasp for fear of hurting her.
She whirls around and stands there with her back to the bed, swiping her hands up her burning face and over her thick mane of hair, a harsh sigh emitting from her lips. Olivia desperately tries to ignore the arousal that is suddenly thrumming through her body, but the hardening of her nipples and the ache in her groin makes it nearly impossible to do so.
She remains frozen there for a moment and refuses to turn around when Amanda says her name, struggling to pull herself together and determined not to picture the other woman's beautiful body, those perky breasts and the golden thatch of curls at the juncture of her thighs. Amanda is not the only one who has envisioned them sharing a bed and being intimate, and Olivia is trying to process all of the startling information that has been revealed that day, her mind wandering back to Amanda's earlier comment about being in love.
She takes a deep breath when Amanda calls her name again, this time more urgently, steeling herself before turning around slowly and stifling a groan of both frustration and desire. Amanda has removed her gown completely now, the garment wadded up in a ball on the floor along with the blanket, and is perched on the bed stark naked and staring intently at her.
"Do I look like a monster, Liv?" she asks softly, her voice trembling and uncertain as she gestures to her bandages, and Olivia's heart melts as she bends over to pick up the blanket.
"No, sweetheart. You're about as far from a monster as you can get. You're gorgeous."
"Thank you, Liv." There is a slight pause before Amanda continues speaking. "You can touch me if you want." The offer is made in a tentative whisper, and Amanda looks so tiny and vulnerable in the hospital bed that any humor, annoyance, or arousal immediately disappears from Olivia's mind and she is in protective-mode once again.
"No, honey, I'm not going to touch you like that," she says quietly but firmly, averting her gaze as one of Amanda's hands cradles her breast and the other slides between her legs to cup herself. "Not here and not like this."
She gently pulls Amanda's hands away from her body and drapes the blanket around her shoulders to cover her up, wrapping her arms around the small form and pulling her into her chest. "But I will hold you," she adds tenderly, trying to smooth over any rejection Amanda might feel with an affectionate hug.
She is relieved when Amanda hugs her back and there don't seem to be any hard feelings, the other woman's head drooping heavily on her shoulder. "It hurts, Liv."
Olivia tenses for a moment when she thinks Amanda is referring to what has just transpired between them, but quickly realizes she is talking about her surgical incisions. "I know it does, honey. Let's see if we can get you some more pain medication, okay?"
She feels Amanda nod against her and drops another quick kiss on the top of her head.
"Thank you for taking care of me, Liv." Amanda sounds half-asleep now, her voice growing faint, and Olivia nearly misses what she says next. "I love you."
Her heart swells with emotion, tears pricking her eyes unexpectedly, and she leans down to press her cheek to Amanda's, knowing they have a lot to talk about in the near future. "I love you too."
"Really?" she hears Amanda mumbles into her chest, and then the blonde is raising her head, a spark of lucidity in that drugged gaze. "You're not just saying that because I look like a monster and you feel sorry for me?"
"Yes, really," Olivia murmurs with a watery chuckle, and reiterates her previous statement. "And you don't look like a monster. You're beautiful."
"Well, it's about damn time," Amanda grumbles as she snuggles into Olivia's arms again, nestling her head on her shoulder and nuzzling into her neck. "Because I've loved you forever, Liv. It's always been you."
Olivia can't help the joyful tears that spill down her cheeks, smiling softly as she gathers the small detective closer, finally able to admit to herself that she feels the same way.
It's always been Amanda.
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*Song lyrics are from Kesha's "Your Love is my Drug"