"Dialogue"

'Thoughts'

AN: Generic "I randomly spawned in Teyvat, what do?!" story. I don't care for lore accuracy, neither should you.

Not a native English speaker. Not exactly a stellar writer in my native language either.

Expect clunky and/or repetitive sentences. Expect plot holes the size of your mother's. Expect terrible attempts at being cute and funny.

Don't expect consistent uploads. Don't expect peak fiction. Don't expect consistent chapter sizes. Life sucks.

I take no responsibility for any critical mental damage acquired from reading this "story".

CHAPTER 0 - FANTASTIC PISSADVENTURES IN A NEW WORLD (GONE WRONG)

I felt something warm running down my legs. My body jumped up, almost automatically, before my mind could even make sense of the current situation. I, Vincent Ramos, age 24, had just pissed myself awake.

Only after I had confirmed the unfortunate state of my pants did my mind begin to process everything else around me. Like the fact my room and its content had been replaced by a dense forest.

'Where the fuck am I?' That's all I could think of at the moment. I decided to check myself for injuries, pinching at random to confirm if this was indeed reality. Unfortunately, my predicament is far too real for my liking. I wasn't run over by a truck, I did not die to a random act of violence or sudden disease (I think). I was simply sleeping in my room, waiting for my alarm to go off.

'This is just like those shitty isekai comics I used to read. Not nearly as fun when it happens to you…'

"Ah fuck, I had a functional analysis exam this morning," I ranted to no one in particular, perhaps to try and keep myself from curling into fetal position and bawling my eyes and soul out. Not only had I been separated from my family, friends and belongings, I had also been forced away from my responsibilities, like finishing my Master's in math and… going to work in the afternoon. Life as I knew it was, for all intents and purposes, over.

As any rational human ought to do, I immediately started running down my current list of regrets and man, was it a long list. I can't believe I spawned in the Kingdom of Fuckall before I even got laid. I had for some reason focused on me being dense and missing out on some prime goth-girlfriend action during my third year of university. 'Hannah, I'm really sorry for accidentally friend-zoning you'. This might be my brain trying to keep me from thinking too hard about what happened and push me to stay alive instead.

I began to look for some source of water to clean myself. Hopefully it's good for drinking too, as I am feeling quite parched for some reason. Choosing a random direction, I begin my trek, taking note of the amount of apples these trees carried. Very tasty and red, yes. It seems food would not be an immediate concern, at the very least. Plenty of birds and squirrels around, and even though I felt a bit too disgusted with the idea of murdering a cute fuzz ball, I knew that if hungry enough any man would devolve into a hunter. Not like I'm a vegan or anything, but for most people there are multiple degrees of separation between the death of an animal and the consumption of the flesh. We all know it happens but most never have to do it.

As I let my mind rant about the ethics of murdering squirrels via application of rock to head technologies, I had stumbled upon a pond, with some fish swimming around and a small rock formation in the middle, with a suspicious hovering device dead center. The forest had mostly cleared out around this area, giving ways to a mostly flat and green landscape. The chilly early morning breeze was now a pleasant warm current, and the sun was shining bright in the clear blue sky.

Taking a small sip of the lake's clear and cold water – hopefully safe to drink – I stripped myself and dove in, soaking the clothes and hoping they'd at least dry out during the day. There were no signs of life – human life, at least – around, so any shame in me walking around butt-ass naked outside had been replaced by some feeling of liberation.

Am I going feral already? Regardless, I swam to the middle of the body of water and climbed to inspect the device.

"No reaction on touching. No heat coming out of it. How is it even floating?"

'Definitely some bullshit fantasy thing' I thought.

My interest had faded so I swam back to shore and laid my clothes on a sunny patch, waiting for it to dry. If I ever made it to safety I'd start worrying about this device.

…

I feel like I'm taking all this too well. I expected a more visceral reaction to being transported to the middle of nowhere at random. Perhaps my rational side had already decided there was no point in moping, and just wanted to keep on living. This wasn't a prank or dream. It was oh so real.

'Not much point to this, I guess,' so I got up and picked some apples from the nearby trees. By this point, some other fruits and berries had caught my attention, but I'd rather not tempt fate by eating any unknown thing. What if I decided to take a bite of the berries and started vomiting and shitting myself into a slow agonizing death? No thanks.

More time passed, and despite the warm weather, my naked body started feeling a bit cold. Thankfully my clothes – still dirty, but at least not smelling like piss – were now only slightly damp. They'll dry out further as I wear them. I had decided to explore, heading further south (assuming the sun still does the whole East-West thing) in the hopes of finding some sort of natural shelter. I'm far too incompetent to actually make a shelter in the wilderness.

Unfortunately, that did not happen. Afraid of jumping into the few caves I found since wild animals are most definitely a thing, I was lacking for options in accommodations. With night fast approaching and the warmth of the day being replaced by the very fresh evening, I started growing desperate. Perhaps a rash decision, but I decided to stay awake and keep on moving through the night. The stars were unlike any I'd seen home.

When dawn came, I was once again near a body of water, a small stream. Taking a small nap to replenish my energy, even if only a little, I pressed on following the water and hopefully finding something. The stream had turned into a river at some point, and the forest had once again thinned out. The very first signs of humanity I'd seen made themselves visible. Ruins and a small dirt road heading East. Up in the sky, there was a floating island. Whatever hopes I had of being in my own world had disappeared completely. If the humans, or elves or some other bullshit fantasy race lives here were smart enough to make roads and a floating island, there might be hope that their civilization still stands somewhere else.

I decided to follow the path then, hopefully accelerating my meeting with the people of the land.

…

Not even my thoughts interrupted my march, at least not until late in the afternoon. I had yet to stop for a break, walking for hours at this point. I wasn't sure how I was doing it, but I suppose I shouldn't question it for now. A small human looking figure made itself known behind a small bush. It turned towards me, and started approaching.

My hopes for a rescue where shattered when I saw it clearly. A masked monkey demon thing wielding a club. Whatever it was, it didn't look very friendly. Stuck between freezing and fleeing (not fighting, I'm too much of a coward) I opted to bolt the fuck away.

Perhaps not expecting me to run as fast as I did, I had managed to make some distance between myself and the creature, which had apparently given up the chase soon after I began running, opting to instead scream at me in some language I could not recognize. Not a very motivated assailant, thankfully. But now I had a problem – I was completely winded, drenched in sweat, thirsty, hungry and scared.

"M-man up you l-little... whiny bitch," my voice was shaking as I talked myself into action. Night time was fast approaching once again. I didn't want to lay down in the wild anymore, especially as it was getting more and more dangerous. What in the fuck was that thing? It had a club and some clothes, so it has to have some intelligence. There are likely more of them.

What if I had intruded on their territory? Was it calling for a hunting party? Am I food now?!

'Calm down. Keep walking,' panic was the last thing I needed to fall into, 'Just keep walking.' And so I did, until the dark night had once more made itself known. In the distance, still very far away, I saw lights. I never stopped walking, but now some tears I didn't realize I was holding back started streaming down my face.

And so I walked and kept on walking, until it was day once more and the city – standing proud in the middle of a giant lake – became bigger and bigger. Wooden signs in some language I can't read started appearing on the roadside; a few emptied out carts, abandoned with their wheels broken. 'Maybe not as advanced of a civilization as I'd hoped.'

But a civilization nonetheless. The stone walls of the city seem close enough for me to touch them at this point. One more day of travel and I'll reach it. Not that I'd last that long. I'm running on fumes thanks to the potentially poor decision of walking all night. I sat down under the shade of a nearby tree, eating yet another apple – my sole source of sustenance since I awoke in this world. I miss my Cheetos.

As I reminisced, a faint voice brought me back to reality.

"Help!"

'It's getting closer.' I got up, mustering the remaining strength on my body to look around for the source and, if needed, run away.

4 figures made themselves known, emerging from the woods into the road, very close to me. The tallest of them, a brown haired man dressed in green, was running and screaming towards the city while 3 of those monkey things chased him. Yes, it's time to pretend I didn't see shit and hide.

The man tripped on a rock, and the creatures began bonking him like it was going out of fashion. Were they weak, or was this guy surprisingly sturdy? It didn't look like it was hurting him that bad, all things considered, but he still yelled as hard as he could. Growing bored of laying into this schmuck, the creatures scattered a few minutes after the violence had begun, allowing the green man to stand back up and limp his way towards the town.

I decided to follow him, hiding in the forest like I was some sort of creep, and it turned out to be the correct decision. His limping made him slow enough that even my lethargic ass could keep up the pace. Some armored guy, likely a knight of some sorts, spotted him and ran to his aid. At this point I figured it would be ok to reveal myself so I stepped out of the bushes I was in and onto the road, calling for their attention.

"H-hey," I said, hesitating a bit. Both of the men turned to look at me and before I could even speak another word, something rammed into my back, sending me falling face first into the dirt. As soon as I hit the floor, I felt the thing ram into my back again and again, completely winding me and making me feel the taste of blood in my mouth. Is this how I die? So close to salvation?

I heard the armored man make a dash towards me and the ramming quickly stopped. The last thing I felt before blacking out was a warm liquid running down my legs.