Our Vows

Chapter 1

"I know I'm not necessarily the world's most sociable, pro-people person," Meredith began, and grinned when neither of the two people she loved most attempted to contradict her.

"One of your finer attributes," Cristina noted approvingly. "I don't trust anyone who has more than maybe two or three friends at our age. We need to save what little social energy we possess for the very few people who matter, not spread it around carelessly to anyone we happen to encounter like some sort of STD." Cristina helped herself to another cup of coffee and the chocolate cream donut Derek had hoped to devour himself.

Although the fiercely independent Cristina lived on her own, she considered Meredith and Derek's house her second home and had taken the liberty of procuring her own key, much to the amusement of the former and the bemusement of the latter. Derek accepted that Meredith and the rather terrifying but loyal Cristina had long ago declared themselves "twisted sisters" for life, but he did wish Cristina would refrain from rifling through his old CD collection when the Shepherds were out and subsequently mock him mercilessly over his taste in music. Apparently, listening to the same '80s power ballads he'd belted out as an overly earnest band nerd back in high school wasn't deemed sufficiently cool. Even as a moderately less dorky adult, however, Derek had never been particularly aware of or influenced by 'coolness.' He remained geekily excited to expose his kids to the aural magic of '80s ballads as soon as they were old enough to appreciate them.

"So you probably won't keel over in shock when I tell you I don't want a party to celebrate," Meredith continued. "I'm not doing that thing where someone claims not to want something but just doesn't want to want something and get their hopes up about getting it. I really, sincerely, from the bottom of my weird little heart do not want one. It's just a day or two from when Mark…"

"Died," Cristina reminded them helpfully.

"Which always reminds me of Lexie being gone too." She took a deep breath, and Derek and Meredith politely pretended not to notice a few tears that Meredith angrily wiped away. "Anyway, you know I'm allergic to small talk and too impatient to deal with the humble brags from all the parents we'd have to invite. Gosh, I was just soooo surprised when the test revealed that Bryson was a literal genius-"

"Most humble brags are decidedly lacking in the 'humble' part," Cristina agreed.

"And the mere thought of people celebrating you and gushing about how much they adore you gives you hives," Derek pointed out, grabbing Meredith's hand from across the kitchen table and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He could feel her wedding ring digging into his palm. Although a staunchly independent thinker who wasn't a fan of most traditions and conventions, Meredith never took it off.

"Too bad it's not your birthday coming up," mused Cristina, turning to Derek. "You love the adulation."

"Only when it comes from the people who matter," he countered. He had grown up in a large, chaotic but warm family, and was hence far more comfortable with attention, affection and events that involved celebrating himself and others. Meredith remained grateful that her material needs had been met throughout her long and lonely childhood, and she always thanked the God she wasn't positive existed for the education she needed to fulfill her dream of becoming a surgeon. But her mother had been unwilling and perhaps constitutionally incapable of giving her daughter love and support, and her father hadn't even stuck around long enough to try.

"So what you're getting at, Mer, is that you want us to ignore your birthday entirely?" Cristina reached for more of the Shepherds' infamously strong coffee. "I never understood why we arbitrarily make a bigger deal over the ones that happen to end in zero or five anyway. Plus, it's not like birthdays are any sort of earned achievement. I mean, celebrating our promotion to attendings is understandable, but why should we acknowledge birthdays when we're really just congratulating each other on not yet contracting a fatal infection or getting run over by a truck?"

"Maybe we could do something between a big party and nothing at all," suggested Derek, the diplomat of their trio. His younger self had been too confident and stubborn to compromise, but navigating a relationship with his brilliant, complex and equally determined wife had armed him with a few new skillsets.

"We could watch my collection of gruesomely gory surgical videos while devouring pizza and tequila," Meredith suggested hopefully.

"I love when you're cutely creepy," Derek informed her, and he meant it. He leaned across the table to kiss her, ignoring Cristina's inevitable eyeroll. Meredith readily confessed to being oddly "dark and twisty," as guarded as a maximum security prison, and prone to thinking and feeling too intensely until those aforementioned thoughts and feelings manifested in all sorts of unexpected and sometimes cringe-inducing ways. She was not someone who determinedly cheerful, idealistic, and admittedly cocky Derek might have expected to end up with, but she had turned out to be not just the woman he loved but the only human being he'd ever truly needed. Even now. Derek shifted uncomfortably in his chair. In some ways, especially now…

"Shepherd, stop daydreaming about what you want to do to Mer when I'm not around to gag about it and answer her question." Cristina's voice broke through his reverie.

"About which surgeries are the grossest and therefore greatest to watch?" he guessed, giving his wife a hopeful grin.

Meredith returned his smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "No, about where our post-it vows are. I like to reread them occasionally-"

"If one defines 'occasionally' as twice every single day," teased Cristina.

"-and I noticed they're not in our usual spot." She gave Derek one of those contemplative gazes of hers. "Did you take them down, or…?"

"Of course not, "Derek said, just a little too quickly. "The kids must have accidentally knocked the frame from the wall and taken the liberty of relocating it."

"Did your kids grow three feet since I last saw them yesterday?" asked Cristina.

Derek squeezed his wife's hand and mustered one of the optimistic, reassuring smiles that she had once claimed boosted her serotonin levels more effectively than the antidepressants she had taken in her teens and early twenties. This time, she didn't return it, and Derek could feel his heart rate accelerate. "We'll find them, sweetheart. And we'll celebrate your birthday any way you want, okay?"

"Okay," Meredith repeated softly, but all three people gathered around that familiar kitchen table suddenly found themselves wondering whether things were truly "okay" after all.

To be continued…