Fandom: Naruto / ナルト
Title: tamashii no katachi.
Pairing: Itachi + Sasuke
Rating: PG-13
Description: Itachi recalls a distant memory and Sasuke continues to sear it into his. (Note: Contains spoilers and siblings pairing.)
Disclaimer: This beautiful manga is drawn by Kishimoto-sensei.
Caught up in my different lives, I slip between dreaming and staying awake. Everyone has a judgment, a description to label me. It's a stamp to adjust and fit what they want to comprehend.
Talent. Genius. Hate. Admire. Assassin. Murderer.
To Him, I am all this and more.
Even now, would you still call me by the name that surpasses all others and sinks me beyond the layers of hell itself?
Aniki.
You've called me with a spectrum of expressions until the day I forced you to kill your unconditional love. We separately snipped our ties. But somehow, our wrecked thread kept itself intact somehow.
Am I still worthy of this single honored title I accepted?
Whatever your verdict, honestly, that's the only one I care about.
The one that sustains this corrupted body and slaughters my soul over and over again.
I brought this upon myself, but I never want to burden you with my worries…
…so how did you find out the truth?
Then again, this is you, Sasuke.
Make no mistake, I never learned to believe in anything else, but you.
tamashii no katachi. (the shape of the soul.)
by Miyamoto Yui
Part 1 / Itachi – The only one I'm keeping.
I need to get back quickly.
Clouds were always so beautiful after heavy rain. The fragrance of the crisp air mixed into everything, making the atmosphere fresh and soft. Having just finished a mission, I regarded these tiny pleasures as I ran through blurs of field, green, and road.
The sky didn't want anything from anyone. The Earth only asked that we take care of it while we roamed and most of all, to aide one another. After all, we only had one another.
But when did it all disintegrate to mean your group is 'better' than mine and if you don't agree, then let's wipe that name out?
It was the pinnacle and antithesis of each clan's existence.
Years ago, I aspired to be the finest example of strength and strategy. I firmly thought if you were the strongest, that meant you could protect everything without being questioned.
You'd automatically have authority by default.
But the higher I rose, the easier it became to spot the dirt. These were tarnishes in the dream I never thought I'd encounter.
I knew what I had to do, but they kept stuffing into my brain that I didn't need to know any of the reasons 'why'.
But I wanted to.
They always called me sensitive, being more capable and aware than others. I didn't think it was anything special since it was just a part of me.
But ever since, I've been racing to keep steps ahead of everyone (stop short of probably only the Hokage). My personal goals were clear, yet a little too high and at the time, I was too prideful to succumb nor pout over it.
Because no matter what my parents, the elders or our teachers threw at me, I had a secret like no other.
It was the single treasure that soothed all the hurt or relieved all my tension…
Past Amaguriama, I started to aimlessly notice little children running around my legs as they headed home with their grown up.
Just a little more to go. I'm almost there…
Blinking emptily, I dwelled on those strange feelings that kept pushing into the outlines of my chest: The reality of when I became an adult. Make enough to live. Find someone to love and create a family. Work for the community. Gain status, go up the ranks, and grow old to die honorably.
Yet, there's always been a voice that keeps latently saying, "I don't want any of that." In my heart, I simply want to accept someone who cares for me.
The person I know I am and not whatever image everyone has of me.
I want to accept myself first, but I am not yet who I want to be either.
Such simple statements recycled in my head and yet they were the hardest things to do.
Why is this more complicated than any of the missions I was given?
When did I realize that I didn't want what everyone thought an 'adult' was? Why do I continue to torture myself for it?
I had so many dreams when I was little and I quickly checked them off as I grew up until they were all finished. Then, when I stepped to the top of the mountain of what I had accomplished, I had to look for another one to climb. I searched for something more because it was lonely.
How many times did I go to Hokage Iwa and reflect on what was beyond the lines of our village?
But there was no one I could openly ask about the gap that the word 'genius' or ideal created.
Even the people closest to whom I thought I could ask, I didn't know how to approach them. After all, we were never to show our vulnerability. That's what our training really meant. You could access many tools and tactics, but there was always a back-up for the reserve.
You weren't supposed to run out of wit or items. No one was supposed to follow your train of thought.
Losing myself somehow in these clusters, they told me this was what I had chosen. That my hardest and sincerest effort still wasn't good enough to get me what I aspired for.
Sleeplessly, I keep repeating myself:
Is this all I'll ever amount to?
They probe me for answers to assist them, but I don't even know them for myself.
I am not one who can lie, so I keep living to see what the solutions are. What options, whether bad or good, did I open for myself?
There was no rest though. There's always a problem and when I solve something, another quandary presents itself.
I can't breathe, my brain is fried, and my body is ready to collapse. Why did I allow for this to all happen?
How the hell did I get here?
"Aniki~!"
Lost in my thoughts once more, I stopped and remembered where I was. I was here because I'd promised that no matter what, rain or shine, I'd be there for you.
Taking a deep breath after swiftly rubbing sweat from my forehead, I nodded as he buried his face into my stomach, hugging me until it hurt.
I made it just on time.
I look around at all the kids being picked up and saw Naruto in one corner. One of the sensei went up to him before I could do anything. I glanced down at mine.
Momentarily, am I counted as your grown-up?
With a gigantic smile, he held out a hachimaki. "You have to wear this."
I blinked at him.
"C'mon, Aniki. You promised you'd do everything I wanted to make up for all the other times you broke-"
I nodded compliantly.
An agreement shouldn't ever be broken without good reason.
I knelt on the ground for my blindfold. "You tie it then. I am at your mercy."
Sasuke tried his best to keep his feelings of tickled glee from spilling out and wrapped it around my head, patting my temples to make sure there were no gaps. I couldn't cover my mouth so I willed my face from revealing any amusement.
Instead, I took a long deep breath.
He grasped my hand and led me along, but it became tighter and tighter as we went along. His temperature rose and it started to become hot.
Do you think I'm going to suddenly run away or something?
"I know you're memorizing how many steps we're going, the turns we took and the direction of the wind. Sto~op!" The whiny pout was worth my voiceless comments. He knew me too well.
It was too cute.
"If anyone asks anything of me today, I'll refuse them."
"Really?" He relaxed a bit.
"I can't wait to see what you've planned."
Here is your assignment.
I don't want to pair with him. He'll make me look bad.
But you will be representing your clan and that's the most important thing.
Do I really need to make friends with him?
Sure, he's cordial and polite, but he's so frigid.
Oh, you're requested to depart on that day. But that day is…it's all right. It wasn't anything.
Aniki, can you play with me today?
Why are you the only one who bothers to really look at me?
The only one who knows that deep inside, I am a kid too?
"I got this!"
Somehow, that enthusiasm eased my anxiety. I couldn't believe I was temporarily leaving my well-being to a seven-year-old. Then again, who else would I trust besides Shisui and him?
Caught on all sides, I forgot what it meant to be carefree. I'd lost that a long time ago when I'd taken my responsibilities at home, school, and the village. But here my little brother was telling me he'd handle whatever he had planned with me in tow.
Where did you ever get this confidence from, I wonder?
+/+/+/+/+/
When I heard the flowing water, we stopped and I knelt down for him to take off the cloth. I didn't expect that he'd make his own snacks stand: Sasuke's Café, Limited Time Only!
He offered for me to sit over a red blanket by the river. I took off my shoes and placed them to the side, sitting down quietly with my feet in the soothing liquid.
I was used to silence, but not being served. After all, I was the one they always sent to do "tasks".
He stubbornly refused to let me help him in any way. From behind his stand, he brought out hojicha and dango. Placing the warm tea cup next to a ceramic plate, I commented and played along, "You knew my order? What superb service already."
Sasuke beamed with a toothy grin.
"Itadakimasu."
Taking a bite of the first dango, I chewed carefully. The sauce was just the right sweetness along with the spongy squishiness. Next, I tried the red bean paste. Subtly sweet, the tsubu-an had a delicate texture against my tongue. And after drinking a sip of tea, I tried the unskewered black sesame kurogoma dango and closed my eyes in delight.
Even if they were all my favorites, it was all much better than I'd expected.
My brother enthusiastically watched me, waiting for the moment to get my feedback.
"You ate that pretty fast."
I coughed. "It was really good."
"I made it with Mother. Father gave me tea from his collection."
Giving a thoughtful look, I held my breath.
"Do you want some more?"
"Of course."
Even if I knew it would ruin dinner, I nodded anyway. How could I resist such heart-scorching effort?
This time, he brought out his own portion along with my second one and we ate next to one another in silence.
The sun was high and shined brighter than I'd ever seen. Puffs of clouds lazily drifted by as the river caressed our feet. He happily sat next to me without an adorable scowl.
What moment could ever be more perfect than this?
Something pinched my heart and I looked at my tea, which was being filled again. "What's the occasion, Sasuke?"
"I couldn't wait for your birthday so, well…" He shook his head at me. Splashing his feet in the water, he shyly revealed, "I just wanted to. That's all."
It was so simple: I just wanted to be with you.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked another child this question.
Being on full alert all these years, I humbly looked down at the river at such an innocent response. And before I could take it back, my lips slipped, "Why do you keep doing these things for me?"
Without hesitation, he answered, "Because I love you."
The tea cups toppled over and rolled, the warm liquid staining the blanket. Hugging me fiercely and burying himself into my chest, I curiously probed again, "Why?"
He shook his head and clung onto my clothing. "I just do."
"When we're older, I wonder if you'll still feel the same."
"Of course, Aniki." He watched me with resolute eyes.
I sighed to cover that I felt the compassion I'd somehow lost along the way. His heart bled into mine and engulfed it with comfort…
You remind me time and time again why I need to fight for the future.
As I dusted myself to say that I needed to go train after we cleaned up, he held his hands in fists and shouted, "You always do this! You always run away from me when…when…ugh!"
He couldn't figure out the words of what his heart already knew.
I guiltily admit his frustration made me happy.
Without warning, he declared, "If we're ever separated, I'll hunt you down!"
"Hunt?" I gave a small chuckle.
What a peculiar word choice.
"No matter where you go, I WILL find you."
How wonderful that would be.
I gave a small smile. "You make it sound like I'd be the one to go away."
"Because I'd never leave you."
I stopped to give him a good look over.
What had I opened? Why did I enjoy the hope he shined upon me?
When I stared at him, he was no longer the little kid I knew.
What had I done to inspire such a gorgeously, desperate look?
He continued to glare at me and then blushed.
"What?"
"Mmhm…" Shaking his head, he grabbed onto my shirt even more. "I'm going to train with you even if you say no."
"Okay."
There was no point in fighting when he became obstinate like this. And that suited me just fine.
I've done many things through the academy and my assignments, but this was one of the few things I could never win against. No matter how many people teased me about being a blanche-faced wall, if I spotted the semblance of any tears from Sasuke, I did everything in my power to divert, avoid, and solve it all at once.
I realized just how helpless I could be next to him. No one was ever impenetrable, but I didn't want anyone else but him to know that.
Holding his head in between my hands, I tried to analyze the depth of what I denied to myself. His determined stance never wavered.
My right thumb rubbed against his cheek.
Yes…power…this was what I was born to do. I needed enough to shield you so that even if they chip at everything else, you'd keep the trait that'd been scraped from my very being.
In order for me to exist, someone had to work hard, keep my genes healthy, and survive. I cannot give you anything else, but myself. But now I know…
This is what I do for you, Sasuke.
"Aniki?"
"Why are you so serious? I kept my promise this time, didn't I?"
I'd never depart from you by choice,
so I'll infuse myself into your soul.
I lifted him up and smiled. "Thank you for today, Sasuke."
His jaw dropped, his dark thoughts dispersing with the clouds.
"For today, let's practice our meditation."
Up on the rocks near the monument of our former Hokage, we sat beside one another quietly.
In our line of duty, we steel our mind to cut ties. The ironic thing is that it makes them stronger or destroys them completely…
+/+/+/+/+/
Aren't I supposed to review my whole life as it drains away? But that's not accurate. You're right in front of me. I give a small, painful chuckle.
Holding my fingers to flick his forehead, my spirit drains rapidly.
Just a little more…
I'd carry all of this, Sasuke. Even if I was descending into insanity, I'd remember and walk on.
You are the reason I keep moving forward.
You became my blue sky.
My freedom.
Ah, I'm so sorry for always making you have this pained face…
As you sob with quiet screams of confusion, I close my eyes. Though there were so many moments with you, this is the only one I'm keeping.
But how long do I have to wait for you to come for me again?
Tsuzuku… / To be continued…
-
Author's note: Belated Valentine's Day (at least one part). This fic has been with me for years and finally, I could make part of it. We are writing the second part as we speak.
I hope you enjoyed this!
Love,
Yui
2/18/2024 1:47:40 AM – Los Angeles
2/18/2024 6:47:40 PM – Tokyo