Waves were lazily crashing against the coast. My bare feet buried in the cool sand were dangerously close to the edge where they were able to reach. I felt their presence as they collided with the land in incredible synchronicity. I took my fascinated gaze away from the waves blurring on the sand and looked ahead. The distant horizon that my still-insatiable gaze registered intensified the emotions that came to me this day.
Everything was new. Unknown.
I felt unsatisfied.
Is it possible to miss something that one has never experienced? Or is it that my second instance remembers something that I have no right to perceive as a memory? If so, will this situation overwrite what potentially exists somewhere in my subconscious?
I sighed, lowering my head.
Will the day ever come when I understand myself? Is the impression of splitting stoppable in this particular case?
Another sigh left my slightly chapped lips. At the same time, I heard a voice coming as if from afar. Drowned out at first by the constant hum of the sea, it gradually became clearer. I knew it. I knew to whom it belonged. I longed for it to reach me undisturbed, for me to hear every word clearly.
I squeezed my eyes tightly, wanting to focus only on that sound, on the timbre of her voice.
She was getting closer and closer.
– Eren.
She was right next to me.
The corners of my lips involuntarily moved up.
– It's about to start raining.
Raining? Just a moment ago, the sky was blue and cloudless.
I struggled to open my eyes and saw her face above me. She was leaning over me, and her hair was blown away by a gentle breeze.
– ...I fell asleep.
– I know, that's why I came.
– I was dreaming...
– About what?
– The sea, the beach and you, or in fact... your voice.
The expression on her face changed. She smiled at me.
She had a nice smile. I wanted her to do it more often.
– Let's go home, Eren – she said, offering me her hand.
I grabbed it without thinking and lifted my still sluggish body. The darkening sky actually heralded a change in the weather. We headed off along the already trodden path. We took our time, the home was close by. My hand still held hers, I was not going to let it go. The feeling was too pleasant. I wanted it to last as long as possible.
Closing the door behind me, I leaned against it with my back, and located my still slightly unconscious gaze in our entwined hands.
– Where are you going? – I asked strangely concerned as she went off in an unknown destination and direction.
The bond has been broken. An extremely unpleasant feeling.
– I wanted to add wood to the fire – she explained, glancing over her shoulder at me.
I must have looked alarming, to say the least, because she stopped and, looking at me more intently, took a step toward me.
– Is everything okay? – she asked, without taking her eyes off me.
– No... not everything – I replied half-consciously.
– In this case... what's not okay?
I remained silent. I couldn't explain it. Or was it just a defense mechanism? Could it be that I was simply running away?
– I want to know. You can tell me everything – she spoke up, coming even closer.
– I don't know if I can – I admitted quietly and held my breath as her more intense scent reached my senses.
She stood very close, and her hand was slightly in contact with mine.
– Mikasa.
– Yes?
– Why did you come here with me?
I surprised her. I saw it in her eyes.
– Because I want to be with you.
– Why?
– ...And you? Why did you take me with you? – she asked after a while.
– Because I want to be with you – I repeated her words. I meant it.
– Why?
Her determined gaze made it difficult for me to escape. There was only one right way out. She deserved to hear the truth.
– Because... I'm selfish and couldn't do otherwise.
– The decision to live with me is selfish?
– Do you think it's not?
– If it is, then I'm also selfish.
Her sweet scent, her shining dark eyes staring into mine, the gentle movement of her fingers brushing against my skin – all this made the vision of the way back lose its meaning. It was not possible.
– Do you think it was selfishness that led you? – I asked, responding to her increasingly daring moves.
– I believe that it doesn't matter. Regardless of the reasons, the result would always be the same. In any option, you would stay with me until the end.
Stimulated by the message, I tightened my fingers on her hand and lifted it, bringing it closer to my lips. Once again, the look in her eyes betrayed surprise.
– When the end comes, will you be with me then? – I greedily sought further confirmation.
– Yes.
Seemingly ordinary 'yes' hid a meaning that I could not grasp at that moment with my mind working at slow speed. I had the impression as if the world had slowed down, and I with it.
Gently kissing her fingers, I pressed her warm hand to my cheek and closed my eyes.
– Eren – her whisper left a mark on my skin.
She was close, dangerously close. I didn't feel ready yet to open my eyes and see if my impressions were correct. But... what if I miss my chance? Will she wait for me?
Panicked by the potential loss, I lifted my eyelids. I was not wrong. My impressions turned out to be correct. I felt her fingers slide over my skin, and when they reached lower and touched my lips, I craved the same.
They were soft and a little wet. I ran my fingertip over her lower lip, making them part gently.
It's not enough.
I wanted to feel more.
I wanted to feel them on my own.
I leaned over, reducing the already negligible distance between us, and subconsciously closed my eyes.
I felt them.
A wonderful feeling.
Stepping back slightly, I met her eyes full of unfamiliar emotions, and holding her tightly to me, I once again met her lips. They moved slowly, as if getting used to the still unfamiliar conditions. Our unhurried, subtle movements gradually began to accelerate. They betrayed curiosity and confidence that we were doing the right thing. A wave of heat went through my body, making my needs evolve. I moved, pushing harder, but at the same moment a loud thumping sound reached me. The window opened, hitting the wall with a bang.
My confused gaze returned to her sparkling eyes, and my arms withdrew, freeing her slender body. She swayed gently, making me perceive her as this fragile, weaker being for the first time in a very long time. It lasted only a moment. She looked adorable.
I stared at her without saying a word. Greedily. With disbelief. With a one-of-a-kind feeling. Or at least I thought so. Maybe from the outside my face was lacking any expression?
Cool breezes blew in through the open window, and raindrops hit the windowsill louder and louder. I noticed goosebumps on her uncovered forearms, and when she trembled, as it were, I woke up and closed the window.
– I should hide the wood, because it will get wet – I said totally pointlessly and off topic.
After all, that was not the most important thing now!
She stared at me for an undetermined amount of time, which I felt took at least an eternity, and eventually, in response, she merely nodded her head. She lowered her eyes, and without a word began to move in an unknown destination and direction.
Like a damn travel to the past.
– Be careful – I heard as I pulled the hood over my head.
– Always – I answered, opening the door.
The cold air wrapped around my burning face. Suppressing loopy thoughts, I set my feet in motion. As if on automatic, I bent down to pick up the wood and grabbed 1/3 of the pile. With a bunch of branches and one-of-a-kind chaos in my head, I ran back and forth, and when there was nothing left to delay my return home, it hit me that this is what I want. I want to go back there. I also realized that it wasn't like she started moving in an unknown destination and direction. After all, she had already explained to me what she intended to do.
– I prepared the bath – she said as soon as I walked in.
She surprised me. She stood in the short hallway between the kitchen and the bedroom and, without taking her eyes off me, waited for me to say something.
– Go first. I'd like to have something warm to drink.
Like last time, she answered nothing. I was left alone. It wasn't comfortable because I didn't feel like myself. This was not the behavior I was used to. I didn't know myself from this side and I wasn't happy with all the changes. I felt weak and insecure. How should I have behaved? How should I react to her words?
I prepared the bath.
Could it be that there is something else behind this statement? Could it be that it was an invitation?
I turned my head suddenly, glaring unconsciously at the closed bathroom door. If that was the case, I must have made her uncomfortable.
– Eren? Is something wrong? – her voice reached me like a punch.
Her hair was wet, and her cheeks were flushed pink.
– ...Have you finished? – I asked, not wanting to answer her question.
I must have been stuck here since she disappeared behind the door.
– Yes.
– Then... my turn – I said, placing my hand on her head, and entered the pleasantly warm room.
I took off my soaked clothes and dived into the hot water. More minutes passed. The temperature of the water gradually decreased. I felt my body also gradually relaxing.
I needed this.
I sobered up, although I was not intoxicated by any substance.
Like a newborn, I surfaced from the already cold water.
...
"The feelings you've been hiding from me…
the things you'd never want me to see.
Show them to me."
Kanae Sumida, Byousoku 5 Centimeter