Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles
Chapter 9: Wrongfully Accused
So. Pip, Rip, and Quimby were in a Millennium jail. Integra and the Mermaids were going to jail, probably.
And that left Seras, who was fighting the original Final Boss from the OVA. Huh, kind of brings things full circle no?
"I AM INCOGNITO!" He said. I'm not familiar with the original anime so um... I'll improvise his character based on the context of the Hellsing series: "I ENJOY KILLING!"
"WELL THIS IS THE TIME TO STOP THE KILLING! I AM SERAS VICTORIA, HECKSING'S STRONGEST AND BADASS LONGEST-TIME AS A VAMPIRE SINCE ALUCARD WAS TAKEN OUT!"
Seras shot a bunch of exploding bullets at Incognito, but with the magic of Seth, he just telekinetically had all the bullets float in the air and then shoot backwards over at Seras, causing a lot of explosions back at her.
"HA HA!" Shouted Incognito. "I threw your stuff back at you! Now who is the mirror man?"
Seras dodged it though but barely, and still had a burn mark on her arm. "Oh that is below the belt!"
"I'd say it's above the belt! Below the belt would be attacking your vagina!"
Seras grunted and then fired a bunch of bullets, but then stopped as she realized that this would just make that thing happen again.
So she instead decided melee. You can't deflect a bullet if it's not bullet but melee.
Seras didn't have a sword but she had cards, and so she summoned Tubalcain's familliar again (sorry that she keeps relying on these two, it won't be for very long she'll absorb more mooks, she already did with Century right?) and then forged one bigass sword out of cards. There was also the scythe which was more obvious but Seras wasn't thinking about that.
This worked to her surprise and she stabbed Incognito in the chest. "Oof." He said. "No, even with the power of Seth, I...
"...I am NOT DEAD YET! SUCKER!"
And then a bunch of blood sprayed out and pushed Seras back like a hose, but it was controlled on his part, like Alucard! Unlike Alucard, Incognito laughed more.
"HAHAHA, I LOVE PAIN!" He shouted.
"NO! PAIN IS AWFUL! TO OTHERS OR YOURSELF!" Seras shoute.d She then thought. Range wouldn't work because he could reflect bullets. Melee wouldn't work because he had the spray.
No, wait! Melee could work! She could just dodge the blood attack, and then he'll leak and run out of blood and die! Perfect plan, Melee was always the answer to everything! Like even the best Smash Bros I think! Seras went back with the Card Sword n hand.
So she began to slash, and Incognito used magic bolts from the wrath of Seth, and blood spurt whenever slashed. But Seras then activated her vampire speed and dodged it. And then, Seras opened her mouth, and bit down towards Incognito. Who dodged out of the way.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO EAT ME?!" Asked Incognito.
"...Yeah it's a vampire thing."
"I KNOW THAT. I'M A VAMPIRE. I'M JUST A SPECIAL ONE. So I thought I went by different rules. Don't I taste... acidic?"
He did, now that he mentioned it. His blood was weird. It didn't melt her tongue or anything because whlie this is violent being Hellsing, tongue stuff makes me cringe and I'd rather not go there. It would be kind of creepy and I want this story to be lighthearted and funny. Instead, though, it felt like Seras ate a lot of hot sauce, but vampiric.
Seras just shrugged since Incognito was weakened. She went "Fuck it" and turned to a giant mouth and ate him.
But then a bolt of lightning came, and a ball of light shout out. It was Seth!
"Shit my vessel is gone. I don't know what I'll do next. Um... I guess I'll be back again some day?"
And then he flew down below the Earth, going back to Hell.
Now Seras could finally reach back at the Millennium!
"This sucks." Said Integra, in front of the courthouse.
"Agreed." Agreed Crimmy.
They were all standing in front of the London courthouse.
"There's too many of them they can't fucking fit inside the building." Said the cop.
"Allow me." Said a new figure.
And then, an ominous man began walking up the steps. He was in a business suit and had short blue hair and glasses.
"Hello there, I am Lawyer Guy, and I will be the prosecuting lawyer here." He said. "Where is your defensive lawyer? Saul Goodman?"
Behind him was a geekier looking lawyer. Skinnier and had bigger square glasses, and was fidgetting. He looked like he was five seconds away from shitting his pants. It's a metaphor, I promise that there won't be any pant-shitting. That was Chapter 5 with Pip, in case anybody forgot.
"This guy might not be able to save us," Said Integra, if it wasn't clear the geekier one was their defence (this is the British spelling) attorney, "are you a good lawyer?"
"No." He replied. "Lawyer Guy is the best of the best. He's been at this for over twelve years, even."
"Twelve years huh. That's a long time."
...
Okay the joke is that's the time between this and the old Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals.
"Oh please, he's a defense lawyer." Said Lawyer Guy. "Haven't you seen the TV cop dramas? They're evil. Why would criminals get lawyers anyway, MWWAH HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Okay..." Said Integra. "I can tell this guy is an asshole."
"I'm Gilty Asscharjd." Said their Defense Attorney. "Please ignore the unfortunate nane. My parents actually wanted me to become a doctor. I'm intelligent, but I hate blood, so I thought I could become a lawyer instead. It was harder, but no blood unless evidence photos show up. Then I vomit."
"He's afraid of blood?" Asked Integra. She had flashbacks to Alucard spreading himself open and using his blood to attack. "Uh oh... we have a bad history with that..."
"Why because you're women haha period joke" They heard a voice that sounded like Walter!
"WALTER ARE YOU AROUND?!" Integra asked, looking around. She thought she saw a shadow in the distance, but it disappeared in to the city night.
"Nobody's here but us, hahahha. Maybe you should just plead insanity to get it over with faster." Said Lawyer Guy. "Anyway, let's start the trial."
"NO, WAIT! I know my damn rights! I get one phone call!"
"Oh, DAMN! And we thought your lawyers were the lawyers!" Said one of the people on the plantif team. "Okay, fine, cops, give her the phone call. BUT! I'm not giving you one phone call each! This is one phone call... FOR ALL OF YOU! HAHAHAHA!"
Seras was approaching an airport in Egypt. But then her phone began to wring!
"Hello sorry I know it's you Integra but I'm a bit busy trying to save Pip and such. Can this wait? Goodbye."
"NO! IT CAN'T WAIT! OF ALL THE PHONE CALLS, THIS ONE CANNOT! Because I am using my ONE PHONE CALL!"
"Wait a minute... THAT'S A PRISON THING! Integra, was my theory right and you were secretly dealing drugs? Illegal cuban cigars?"
"No, it's 'speeding.'"
"...Speeding?"
"Yes, that's what the One Phone Call is about. We've been... wrongfully accused!"
Seras gasped. "Well, I need to save Pip and the President first!"
Integra sighed. "Oh, right. I forgot about that. Damn, that is a very important mission. Uhhhh... please try to do that fast and then come over here to rescue us?"
"On my way." Seras said.
Then on the other end, the phone was shot! I mean, on Integra's end since this was originally from Seras' POV! Lawyer Guy shot her phone and laughed evilly.
"Your One Phone Call is over!" He said. "Now on to the trial, and I will legal the shit out of you!"
"OKAY NOW THE PROCESS OF EXTRACTING YOUR BLOOD FOR THE ULTIMATE WEAPON IS READY." Said the Captain to President Quimby. "THIS MIGHT HURT A BIT, SORRY BUT THE BLOOD NEEDS TO BE FRESH SO YOU HAVE TO BE ALIVE SO WE CAN'T KILL YOU FIRST."
A hologram of the Leader appeared. And Doctor. Schrodinger alaso appeared, but in-person because he could teleport, not a hologram.
"Fuck it, four should be enough but it'll take a bit more time," said the Dcotor Hologram, "so Quimby, this'll hurt and you'll be in torture longer. Because I am an evil asshole, I like this more."
"WAIT FOR ME!" Another voice said! A familiar voice! It was...
WALTER!
He broke through the ceiling, now with giant white angel wings on his back!
"YEAHHHHH! Remember when I said I was an angel of death? Well, guess what, I'm actually a FALLEN angel! Seras shooting me just activated my angel extra life and let me transform in to my true form!"(A)
"Wait Seras shot you?" Pip asked. Rip was grinning at that.
"Urgh, yes. It hurt like heck. Er, hell. Er, heaven? Jesus? God? Whatever, it hurt, and I flew straight over to here. I passed Jan on the way over, and said hi. We acctually did that when Jan did the first Manor Invasion. Anyway, I regenerated to my True Angel Form."
And he showed off his powers by using telekinesis to make Quimby float in the air, but then phase through the bars of the prison! And he waas lifted to this giant ominous statue with two big statue hands, and the Millennium members (including the holograms) jumped on each finger of the hands!
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Pip asked. Rip rolled her eyes and answered:
"A statue for rituals. The Doctor discovered it somewhere deep under Brazil, and the Millennium stole it."
"HOW DID YOU KNOW TIHS?"
"...Because I used to work with them?"
Anyway, then the procedure happened, and Quimby was in great pain as his blood was being worked on. He shouted:
"Er a um, AAAHHHHH OWWWW OOHHHHHH FUCK THAT HURTS AND NOT IN THE HOT WAY IT IS PAIN!"
Then blood began to leak from his chest, from a slit in it, and it started to form this massive floating blob of blood!
"Okay I think that's that." Said the Leader's Hologram.
"Hee hee, yes, this will do perfectly fine." Said Schrodinger, who lept up and caught a lot of the big floating blood blob, and teleported himself and a lot of it over in a poof of fairy dust. A smaller bit of the blob was left, which Walter threw a chakra string at, then reeled it absorbed the blood in his body and flashed blood red, then his wings turned blood red and grew eyes and mouths on them. The holograms of the Leader and the Doctor disappeared.
Quimby meanwhile stopped floating, he just dropped to the ground. He still had a big slit on his chest.
"Wait a minute." Said Walter. "CAPTAIN! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL RIP AND PIP!"
"BUT VAMPIRES CAN'T BE KILLED BY WEREWOLVES!" Captain replied.
"NO THEY CAN THAT'S JUST SHIT RIP MADE UP IN CASE HE EVER TURNED ON YOU!"
Captain gasped! "RIP HOW COULD YOU EVER... LIE TO ME?!"
Rip just shrugged. "It was a white lie! Just in case... something like this happened!
"RIP FROM THIS MOMENT ONWARD WE ARE NOT FRIENDS! YOU ARE ASS!"
"Er a um, speaking of Rip and ass..." Quimby said weakly, before Walter stomped on his slit and put a chakra string to his head.
"WQUIET YOU!" Walter shouted. "We have the Royal Blood from you, in fact, there's no reason why I don't just kill you all right now!"
But then a helicopter tore through the area! It was Seras! Or actually, she was in the passenger's seat, the driver was someone from Egypt!
"Seth was a wanted criminal in Egypt, I dunno about that Google Chrome Incognito Guy." Said the pilot of the helicopter. "So Seras technically defeated him, earning one favor from the Egyptian government. And that favor was to fly her over here for some reason."
"HAHAHAHA!" Seras cheered. "I'M HERE TO SAVE THE DAY! By the way Pip, we have another mission after this, to go save Integra from being... wrongfully accused!"
"YOU CAN'T BREAK THE BARS RIP AMD I ALREADY TRIED THAT!" Pip shouted. "IT'S MADE OF ANTI-VAMPIRE RUBBER! And there's vampire barriers around other places to prevent just digging out."
But then the pilot of the helicopter, not a vampire, rushed up and kicked the bars down, freeing Pip and Rip!
Walter scowled. "You know what, fuck this, I wanna join the Major and Doctor and that damn Catboy in tearing apart the world. I'm going to America, the Final Dungeon, and joining them. Plus, I can have my samble of Quimby's bloodm ixed in with the Ultimate Weapon for maximum damage output. Captain, you're my shield, you stand back and kill these shitheads."
Walter's wings opened up and he began to fly off, out of the hideout cave and going north! Like a migrating bird! Pip growled and began to run after him!
"WALTER YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!" He shouted. "THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT YOU ALMOST KILLED!"
"PIP, WAIT!" Seras shouted, jumping after him.
But then the Captain jumped up and swatted Seras back down like a volleyball, spiking her on the ground near Rip, who just rolled her eyes.
"SHOOT I WAS TOO SLOW TO GET THAT PIP GUY BUT I CAN KEEP YOU IN THIS CAVE!"
In the courtroom, the mermaids were kind of outside after they filled all the seats, they were spilling out and watched their own trial on TV. The London will fix this by making more seats. Like, a stadium. Like the stadium Quimby introduced himself in. Why didn't they just use the stadium?
"WAIT THIS FOOTAGE OF THE SPEED LIMIT SIGN HERE AND THE BLIMP PASSING IT... IT'S AI GENERATED!" Gilty Asscharjd said, which was a shock to Integra and Crimmy, as they didn't expect him to figure that out given his bad track record!
"Oh my god you're right!" Said the Judge. "Upon closer examination, yes, Integra is 'under arrest' for batshit nothing!"
"Excuse me, am I under arrest?" Crimmy asked.
"Actually this alleged incident was before you were even rejoined with Hecksing, so fuck it, you can leave."
"Alright! Interra and I are lovers and all, but we have a situation with our vampires it looks like."
Integra sighed. "From my One Phone Call, Pip I presume fucked up."
"'Kay, I'll catch up with you after you get out, because I'm sure you can!" Said Crimmy, running out. The Fish Army all followed in unison. "And I still have my phone, I can call the others with it!"
Integra smiled and nodded. "Alright, Alucard's Replacement is doing wonderuflly."
Confidently, Integra turned to Lawyer Guy. "Alright, now I believe I am innocent. Maybe I should consider countersueing you later once the Millennium is taken care of..."
But then Lawyer Guy took his gun back out!
"INTEGRA! DUCK!" Shouted Gilty Asscharjd, who dove to Integra and jumped in front of her! Or, in front of where she was standing, she used her badass negotiator powers to duck down already, so he got himself shot for nothing! In the chest!
Gilty Asscharjd fell down and was bleeding and in Integra's arms.
"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Gilty Asscharjd said.
"...Too bad." Said Integra. "Sicne I don't see anything that could help heal you, and the healing Mermaids just left, it looks like you're fucked. However, I can avenge you."
She shot Lawyer Guy in the head and his head exploded...
But it was in to a weird burst of silverry metal!
"What the... HECK?!" Asked Integra.
Lawyer Guy laughed. "I AM NO ORDINARY LAWYER! I AM A ROBOT!"
"So you're an ordinary lawyer hahaha." Said Gilty Asscharjd, laughing.
The silver burst thing reformed and reshaped, turning to liquid metal and then reforming in to his face!
"I AM ACTUALLY A TERMINATOR 2!" Lawyer Guy shouted.
Footnotes:
A: I think this was the intent behind the original, with him being "blown up," but reviving as an angel, but then Integra running him over was supposed to actually kill him and he wasn't seen again. I don't think I ever explained that this was how "angels" in HUC worked. I could be wrong though, my memory is bad and trying to recall what Past Me was thinking is... a difficult and dangerous thing to attempt.
Closing AN:
Yeah, sorry for this chapter being shorter than the norm, and... well, Season 3 is now split in to three chapters, a change from before. And Season 4 will "only" be three chapters in turn. But really, in the original version, one of the Season 4 chapters was ultra short, and the old Chapter 8 (which this whole season is effectively that, spread in to three chapters, and with the events of the old Chapter 9 mixed in as well) so this is... just reshuffling rather than outright cutting stuff? Things should hopefully make sense by the time Season 4 rolls around. And yeah, this was rushed. Chapter 10 will also likely have this problem, as I didn't even start it yet.
Yeah, I wanted to look over and fix up Season 2 and maybe even redo a huge swath of the final chapter to make it... I don't know, flow better? But then there's this season which I kind of also want to redo to thicken out its chapters and such. Or something like that. Bottom line, having every chapter out on an anniversary (and even then, because I'm making Seasons 3 and 4 three chapters each instead of two and four respectively, that'll also change; I'll be leaving out one publish date, the original Chapter 10 publish date so that 13 will still be out on the Homestuck Date, and adding a new publish date - the 20th for the new Chapter 10) was probably a mistake. I'm pretty sure I already made a promise to try to cut back on "meme dates" to not have to rush crap, and yet... well, I considered this an exception, or a "one last special time" thing, and it's biting me in the ass. I feel similar to the Last 100 Days thing, how I told myself to not do "daily publish/writing/drawing/etc" challenges, and yet I did that and... well, I thought it was okay maybe. I dunno.
Honestly I didn't even give this chapter a lookover, aside from glancing up above for some quick fact-checks. Once I finished the "rough draft," I considered this "done" enough. Hey, it still fits the spirit of this being an intentional badfic, at least.