Chapter 4

The mess hall smelled of food, new dishes that Abby never tried before. Delicious smells surrounded her but despite that, Abby had no appetite, only eating enough to sustain her without actually tasting the meal. At the back of the room, she sat at the table with Jackson, hunched over the table, she played with her food as he worked on finishing his own plate. The level of noise in the room was beginning to give her a headache. The place was packed as everyone wanted to eat their breakfast after the long general meeting earlier. Somehow, Abby managed to completely avoid Marcus, she already knew her assignments and there was no need for Kane to even talk to her. She sneaked out of the room as soon as it was over and hoped that it would go unnoticed by him. Last night's events in her room still fresh on her mind.

Across the room, Kane sat at a different table with Miller Senior and Kara's husband- Mike, glancing in Abby's direction ever so often. She was with Jackson who was almost done with his food meanwhile Abby completely ignored hers unless you count pushing it from one end of the plate to another, her face pale which worried him as he hadn't seen her eat a full meal since she woke up in the bunker. Marcus watched as Jackson said something to Abby, she smiled in response, but it never reached her eyes. She looked around the mess hall but clearly skipped the spot where Marcus was, she'd already done that a few times and he was certain she was ignoring him. And as soon as Jackson finished his breakfast, the two of them dropped their trays and left the mess hall heading towards the medical where a tonne of work awaited them.

Standing in the brightly lit room, Abby placed her hand on her back and stretched with a silent moan, stretching her stiff muscles. She spent all of the morning and midday doing an inventory of their medical supplies in between seeing patients. There was a lot of stuff and she wanted it done as soon as possible. The sooner it was done, the sooner they could focus on more important things.

Fifty-one, fifty-two…

A knock on the door distracted her. I'll have to start all over again, she thought annoyed.

"I am going to get lunch, are you coming?" Jackson's head popped through the door.

"No, I am not hungry. But you go, I'll finish up here."

"Are you sure? You've barely touched your breakfast…"

"Positive. I've just had an energy bar," she lied through her teeth.

"Okay, I'll see you later," satisfied, he left her alone.

Truth be told, Abby wasn't hungry, she wasn't sure if she could even stomach any food right now without throwing it right back. Since the realization of their situation dawned on her, she constantly felt sick, her stomach twisted in a tight knot. So many lives lost and yet, there she was, not wanting to be alive. Saved while so many others were dead. She didn't know who she was anymore, pieces of her scattered in so many places, ripped off. Broken fragments left on the Ark, in Arkadia, Mount Weather, City of Life, the Polis tower… Her last piece was brutally torn off from her in Becca's lab, or perhaps she parted with it willingly, a piece of her humanity that she so desperately clung to all her life. Losing it shook her and broke her, made her question who she really was. She wished she could just pick those pieces and put them back together like a jigsaw puzzle but it's not how it worked. Gaping holes in her soul were there to stay forever.

Her grip loosened and a piece of equipment fell to the floor. She jumped as a loud bang startled her. She dropped to her knees to pick it back up and examined it carefully. Could she even be a doctor anymore? After what she'd done in Becca's lab? Everything she believed in, all that she was… She went against that. How could she heal people, help them? Tears formed in her eyes threatening to spill. She pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth trying to suppress them. Placing the item back in its box, she started counting again, trying to refocus.

One, two, three…

Soon, her patients would start coming in, she had to finish before that and despite not feeling hungry, her stomach grumbled loudly, her hands weak. She would have to get some food whether she liked it or not.

In a room not far away, Marcus sat at his desk, his head in his hands. his day was hectic and it wasn't even afternoon yet. So many things to plan and so little time. After breakfast, he was on his own and found himself missing the times they worked together with Abby in Arkadia. He rubbed his tired eyes. The council meeting was in the evening, that's when he'd see her. Jaha and Miller were to join him in the afternoon but mostly, he was left to his own devices. Engrossed in his work, he skipped lunch and as his stomach made noise and a wave of nausea hit him, he wished he hadn't done that as he was beginning to lose his focus. There was so much to do and so little time. People needed to be retrained for their new positions and he tried to focus on their assignments but his head was pounding. He closed his eyes and slapped his hands on the desk pushing himself up. Hunger clouded his thoughts, so he dragged himself to the mess hall dreading to see everyone as he knew they all had questions they wanted to be answered and he was still working on that.

By the time Marcus got to the mess hall, most of the people already had their food so the queue wasn't long. Quickly, he collected his tray and scanned the room for a place to sit, he spotted Abby in the back of the room, alone, mostly playing with her food, half of it still on its tray. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and headed in her direction with a steel grip on his tray.

"Hello," he said sheepishly.

"Hello," she replied looking up for just a second before focusing back on her tray.

"Mind if I sit down?" he placed his tray on the table opposite of her.

"No, go ahead."

"So, have you spoken with Clarke? Jaha said you should have been able to call her today?" he watched her as he took a bite of his own food.

She looked up at him briefly, then back at her food that she was still playing with.

"Yes, she's fine. They're fine."

"I'm glad to hear that—"

"Me too." She cut him off. "I'm sorry, I have to go. I have a patient to see," she stood up and grabbed her tray.

Marcus wanted to say something more but she was gone before he realized what had happened. Resigned, he dropped his head and focused on his food, chewing it without actually tasting it.

"Hello, Marcus. A voice startled him, he whipped his head around and came face to face with Iris, an older woman from Indra's village with a head full of grey locks. She used to be a warrior in her youth but losing a leg forced her to change her life. She was a wise woman whom Marcus had a lot of respect for.

"How are you, Iris?" he asked with a genuine smile happy to see her. His mouth watered at the thought of the smoked meat she used to sell at the market in Polis.

"I'm well, thank you. I hope that I am not intruding."

"No, not at al! Please, take a sit." He gestured towards an empty chair.

"Thank you, we've already eaten," she said and only then Marcus spotted a woman who stood next to Iris. She was around his age, perhaps a few years younger. "This is Leanna."

"Nice to meet you," said the younger woman. She was shorter than Iris, perhaps even shorter than Abby, and her waist-long, blonde hair was braided in intricate braids that grounders often worn. Her green eyes watched him curiously.

"Likewise—"

"I just wanted to say thank you."

"For what?" Marcus furrowed his brows.

"For saving us. You saved my elderly father and my 10-year-old niece. If Azgeda was here, they would've thrown them out of the bunker."

Marcus didn't know what to say. This conversation was unexpected, if anything, he would've expected to be shouted at for killing so many people yet everyone inside seemed to be grateful, surprisingly calm and relaxed. Everyone but the one he cared for the most, he thought bitterly.

Iris sensed his discomfort and tried to change the subject.

"Leanna used to be our midwife, she delivered hundreds of babies so if you ever need one, don't look no further."

"I'll definitely keep that in mind." Marcus smiled warmly, grateful for the distraction.

"We'll leave you to enjoy your food now," said Iris. "Take it easy, Marcus. We've got plenty of time to build a new life down here." Bags under his eyes and tired expression didn't go unnoticed and Iris worried about him.

"I will, Iris. I will."

Marcus took a deep breath and rubbed his tired eyes trying to focus on the task in front of him. It's been a hectic few days and he'd barely had a chance to see Abby apart from the new council meetings. He felt bad for her as she was virtually forced into her council seat by people who volunteered her for this position based on the trust they had in her. She showed no desire to retake her seat but took it gracefully. The new council was formed out of 7 members, a mix of Skaikru and Trikru, including Iris and Abby. Kane was sure things would ease up in the future but right now, running this place was exhausting and except Abby, no other council member had any other obligations. He couldn't even imagine how exhausted she must be, she was overworking herself again and as always, no word of complaint came from her.

Marcus missed talking to her as he didn't get to see her much. Apart from the council meetings, when she conveniently avoided him as much as possible, barely ever saw her. Once or twice, he spotted her across the mess hall but she was either gone by the time he got to her or she left soon after he approached her, only speaking to him when it was necessary. He even tried knocking on her quarter's door but she either wasn't in or flat-out ignored him; he figured she needed space.

With heavy eyes, Kane leaned back in his chair and yawned. With everything going on he was already working around the clock. After a long and exhausting day, when he finally managed to drag himself to his quarters and his bed, he would be lying awake because every time he closed his eyes he saw the mountain of dead bodies filling these very corridors. What he had done lay heavily on his shoulders and he had difficulty accepting his decision, it haunted him every minute of every day but it was done and there was no changing that. They had things to do, people to keep alive and the amount of work kept him busy enough to avoid falling apart. It was his cross to bear but every time he looked around the cafeteria and heard children's laughter, he knew that he might have just made the right choice. Perhaps not for humanity, not for those he killed but for their people.

Not far away, in medical, Abby sat at her desk, filling up paperwork when her stomach rumbled. She ignored it trying to focus on her task, but the letters kept blurring With the palms of her hands, she rubbed her eyes and tried to refocus her gaze. She was exhausted but inventory wouldn't check itself, and the sooner it was done, the sooner she could move to other things. She lifted her arms above her head and stretched her back with a yawn. She brushed her loose her back and started typing again but her focus kept drifting away. It was wrong that she was there, it wasn't her place, she was supposed to be outside when the wave hit. Yet, she found herself inside. But since she was already there, she might as well make herself useful. She tried focusing again.

"Abby." Jackson knocked on her door and entered without waiting for her answer.

"Yes, Jackson?" she said without looking away from the computer screen.

"Niylah and I are going to the mess hall. Apparently, the cooks found some sugar in the storage room and decided to bake some cookies. Kane granted everyone an extra break. Are you coming?"

This sounded like a nightmare to Abby. She'd done her best to avoid most people for as long as she could and a large gathering wasn't something she fancied at that moment, it felt suffocating. The people there and the amount of empty space in the bunker only reminded her of what she'd done or how many people they could've saved. She swallowed and put on a fake smile.

"Go, I'll join you later. I want to finish this up first."

"Okay, but don't take too long or there may be no cookies left."

"I won't," she replied and focused back on her work.

With that Jackson left and Abby sighed in relief. She reread what she typed and rubbed her eyes in frustration. The gibberish coming from under her fingers was a clear sign that she needed rest. She'd been up for nearly 24 hours, and she was exhausted, her shift ended ages ago so she figured she might try and get a few hours of sleep before the next council meeting. It's not like was being productive anyway, she got up and made her way out of the door. Her stomach twisted and grumbled in hunger letting her know it'd been a while since she'd last eaten. The mess hall wasn't far but as she approached it, the sounds of happiness and excitement coming from it discouraged her from entering. She slumped her shoulder and resigned, she dragged herself to her quarters. She'd eat later, she thought, when there would be fewer people there. She dragged her feet one by one towards her room as she walked the abandoned corridors.

The air of the mess hall was filled with excitement as people stood there chatting in anticipation. The promise of cookies, something most of them never tried, was thrilling. Kids jumping up and down to try and see if the cookies are coming, adults trying to contain their excitement but their heads turning towards the kitchen every so often. In the back of the room, Marcus scanned the room and a big smile formed on his face as seeing everyone so happy and carefree lifted his spirits, even if only temporarily. To him, it was clear that a weight was lifted off their collective shoulders despite the heavy workload and their past. The lack of immediate danger really helped everyone feel at ease and helped with their mood.

"Hello, Marcus." Leanna's voice came from behind him.

He smiled and turned around, losing sight of the crowd.

"Leanna, how are you?"

"Exciting day, isn't it."

"I suppose it is." He turned around to look at the crowd again as Leanna stood by his side.

"Have you tried a cookie before?" she asked.

"No, never had a chance. We didn't have the ingredient to make them in space."

"Oh, they're delicious! Well, most of them, as long as you know what you're doing." She winked at him. "Can you see that woman over there? The one with blonde, spikey hair?"

Marcus nodded.

"That's Sianna. Do NOT ever let her near the kitchen. Her cookies made the entire village sick. With not enough toilets, they were desperate and had to use the woods. Half of the village at once. The east side of the village was unusable for weeks and if the wind blew the wrong way…" She scrunched up her nose and Marcus chuckled.

"I'll remember that."

The mood was light, and everyone looked nervous in anticipation.

"Here." She tucked something small in his hand. "Hide and eat it."

"What is it?"

"One of the cooks is my friend. She let me take two cookies for helping her with the prep."
Marcus narrowed his eyes at the rule-breaking but decided against spoiling the moment. He lifted the cookie that was wrapped in a cloth so no one would see it, opened it ever so slightly, and sniffed it. A rich and sweet smell hit his nostrils and he closed his eyes with a small moan of pleasure, the scent was amazing. Leanna laughed at his reaction.

"It smells delicious. Thank you,"

"What are you waiting for? Eat it?"

Before Marcus could take a bite, commotion in the room distracted them. A wave of people moved forward, their loud chatter defeating. The cookies arrived and the queue that formed started marching forward as the first people received their treats Marcus didn't have to feel bad for having one before everyone else.

Leanna watched him, curious at his reaction, he smiled at the woman and bit into his cookie, closing his eyes again. The plain cookie melted in his mouth, sticking to the roof of it, the sweet taste pleasant but not overwhelming. He just held in on his tongue, enjoying the sweet taste he never had a chance of experiencing before.

"Mhphm." Was all Marcus could say, his mouth full of the delectable shortbread cookie, it was simple and yet the most delicious thing he'd ever had.

"Good, isn't it."

"It's delicious. Thank you," he finally said before taking another bite out of his cookie.

Before Leanna could say anything else, another woman waved at her and called her name. Leanna excused herself and went to join her, leaving Marcus alone. Left to his thoughts, he looked around the room again. Jackson stood in the queue waiting for his treat but there was still no sign of Abby, he'd expected her to come with her younger colleague, so it was surprising to not find her there. He made his way over to the doctor.

"Hey, Jackson, have you seen Abby?" The younger man turned around surprised at being addressed.

"Yeah, she was in her office and said she'd come later." Jackson wasn't sure if he should tell Marcus that he suspected Abby fell asleep at her desk as soon as he left her office. She looked exhausted and it wouldn't be the first time this week, the bags under her eyes were a dead giveaway of how tired she was. But Jackson didn't want to rat her out to Kane, he figured that if she wanted to tell him, she would, and he sensed that there was tension between these two and he wanted nothing to do with that.

"Thank you. Enjoy your cookie."

"No problem. You too."

With that, Marcus walked away, his steps slow as he watched the people enjoying themselves. As he observed them, he noticed the first signs of the community they were building, and he couldn't help but see hope despite all the atrocities. He couldn't help but think what if? What if Azgeda was there? Could it be so peaceful, would they enjoy this moment? He doubted that. He shuddered at the thought of where they would be if that was the case. With a shake of his head, he pushed the thought away trying to focus on here and now, on the happy moment they all shared.

His thoughts drifted to Abby again, he doubted she'd come to the mess hall. They weren't in the bunker long, but he already noticed that she seemed to avoid the mealtimes, and always had an excuse; sometimes she was too tired, sometimes, she wasn't hungry, and when she finally came, she never finished her food. Others might be fooled but Marcus saw right through her, he knew exactly what was going on, yet again, she tried to bury herself in her work, so she didn't have to face the actual problem. On the Ark, she used to do the same thing, it was her MO, but he'd play along, at least for now, give her space if she needed it but the cookie was too good for her to pass up on and at least, it gave him an excuse to check up on her. Nowadays, he felt he always needed an excuse and couldn't just pop in to see her.

With a new cookie in his hand, he made his way towards the medical where he expected to find her.

"Abby?" He called as he entered the Medical Center but the place was dark and quiet, Jackson and Niylah were still in the mess hall and the place seemed deserted. He turned the lights on and made his way toward her office at the opposite end of the room, fully expecting to find her asleep at her desk. The door was closed so he knocked and waited but there was no answer. Anxious, he knocked again.

"Abby?"

Silence.

He grabbed the handle, pushed the door open, and peered inside expecting to see Abby's head resting on her desk but no such luck, the room was empty. He considered looking for her but he didn't want to push and overwhelm her so he shook his head as he decided against it. He walked over to her desk and placed the cookie in the center of it. Writing a note would be something he'd normally do but he figured she'd find the cookie just fine. He turned the light off and left her office heading towards his own where more work awaited.

End of Chapter 4