Chapter 7

Nights in the bunker were dark and surprisingly quiet, there was no wind howling in the trees, no enemy lurking in the dark, not even the ever-present machine humming of the Ark, mostly, there was silence.

The bunker operated on a normal day/night schedule based on their time zone, most people were awake during the day except for the few essential personnel working nights which meant that those times were very quiet, eerily so.

Marcus found it difficult to fall asleep in complete silence as he lay in his bed in darkness, listening, hoping to hear a sound. Just behind the thin metal wall was Abby's room but unlike in other rooms, there was never any sign of life coming from there. If he hadn't seen her entering her quarters, he would've thought it was unoccupied.

His mind drifted to her, there was a clear distance between them, a space that he didn't know how to cross. This was way worse than their relationship on the Ark. In Space, she at least acknowledged his existence, sure she hated his guts but it was better than the indifference she showed him nowadays. Everyone wanted to feel like they mattered, to be acknowledged, anything but Marcus felt like he didn't even exist for Abby or was a mere annoyance, a bug that was pestering her and she didn't have time for that.

This time she hid her anger well and he wished she hadn't. He knew very well that Abby was furious with him for saving her but he couldn't leave her outside, he wasn't strong enough. There was no way he could just sentence a person he loved to death, not anymore…

Oh, the irony, he thought. Abby did exactly that on the Ark, she effectively sentenced her husband to death despite having no other option but when Kane was to die, she admitted that she couldn't go through that again. She should understand his position. Exasperated, he turned to the side and punched his pillow to flatten it. Abby said it herself; she couldn't lose a man she loved again, she should understand his position and yet, she ignored his existence, and wouldn't even as much as glance in his direction. How he wished she'd be angry with him. If she hated him, at least he had experience with that, he could take it, anything was better than being ignored.

His mind drifted to the council meeting earlier that day, the look in her eyes worried him. They were cold. Empty. Her usual defiance, expressiveness and fire were gone only to be replaced by steel glaze. Marcus shuddered at the thought.

In the past few months, things had gone horribly wrong. They all had done things they didn't want to, all made mistakes, but they seemed to have broken Abby. Being a doctor was her constant, her guiding light, it grounded her, told her who she was. Breaking that, changing mind, making decisions that went against her moral code shook her to the core, she lost herself and couldn't find a way back.

Marcus wished that he could fix it for her, take her pain away, guide her way back but he couldn't. Just like she couldn't take his pain away. He wished she'd allow him to help her shoulder her burden, be there for her like she was there for him, make her smile, hug her, to give her hope. She was his source of hope and he held on to that, wishing that one day, she'd let him back in to help her. Wishful thinking, he scolded himself. He didn't even know if she would be able to forgive him and ultimately, he was too afraid to push her, too scared to find out. They were in a bad place and like a coward, he was too scared to have an actual conversation about them, too afraid that she'd end things permanently. The way things were, he at least had hope to cling to and he'd be there, patiently waiting until she decided she needed him. His chest tightened at the thought. She was the only woman he ever truly loved and they had so little time together, life wasn't fair but it was particularly cruel to them. He never thought he needed someone else to live but when she pushed him away, he realized he needed her to breathe because he struggled when she was gone.

Frustrated, he pushed himself up and flung his leg off the side of his bed, his eyes landed on the alarm clock on the bedside table which read 5 a.m. in bright red digits. He yawned and stretched his arms above his head knowing full well that those two hours of sleep would not be enough.

A noise outside his door startled him and he dropped his arms immediately, listening intently on high alert. Abby's door squeaked then closed, quiet steps as she padded on the floor. So she was inside, his previous question answered. He turned on the light and dragged himself to take a shower. It was going to be a long day.

The halls were long and identical looking, most lit brightly but some, rarely used, were dark and unwelcoming. Led lights scattered evenly along the walls made the corridors look endless, repetive patterns made it impossible to judge the distance. Anyone who walked them at night experiences the feeling of unease, like there was something lurking in the shadows, waiting, ready to pounce at the unsuspecting victim. Marcus shook his head; he knew it was silly but he made a mental note to add some things to mark the distance and to make this place more inviting.

"Morning." Came a cheerful voice from behind him, starling him. He recognized that voice.

"Good morning, Leanna. How are you today?"

"I'm good, off to a new work post today. Agro this time…" she made a face.

"Kara mentioned that they needed all hands on deck this week, the new crop is ready for harvest."

"Yeah… It's just so frustrating," she said with an exaggerated sigh.

"And why is that?"

"They keep switching me from one job to another, they have no idea what to do with me… I used to be a midwife, you know." He nodded in reply as she continued. "I've heard that some women wanted to start having kids soon. We may need a midwife." She raised her eyebrows expectantly.

"I suppose." Marcus wasn't quite sure what she wanted him to do with that information, Cooper and Iris were responsible for work assignments. "You could talk—"

"Isn't that healer woman your friend of something?"

"Or something." He waited for Leanna to continue not wanting to discuss private matters between him and Abby.

"And she's on the council with you…" Leanna was undeterred. "Would you mind putting a good word for me when she needs some help? I'm so fed up with changing work posts when I know I would be of use in medical."

"I'll see what I can do," said Marcus without making a commitment. Medical was Abby's domain, if she needed help, she'd ask for it but they weren't on speaking terms for him to make a friendly suggestion. Should she ask, Kane would suggest Leanna.

"Thank you." She smiled. "Are you going to breakfast?"

"I am indeed."

"What a coincidence, so am I!" Marcus doubted it was a coincidence at all but he welcomed the distraction, mindless chatter seemed to help him get his mind off of the things that worried him.

30 minutes earlier

"It doesn't look too serious, Mike. Only a couple of stitches and you'll be good to go," said Abby as she grabbed her supplies. Mike was a workman delegated to sorting out some of the storage rooms on the lower levels, a moment of distraction cost him a nasty gash to his forearm, one that required stitches.

"Thanks, doc."

"Tell me again, what are you guys doing down there?" She used the old distraction method as she prepared her needle.

"We've found…" But Abby wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying, her eyes focused on her own hands, willing them to stop shaking and cooperate. Damn, she thought as she realized that she forgot to eat dinner, she'd have to go and get breakfast to steady her hands. She sighed, it was before the morning shift, the mess hall would be busy and she wasn't in the mood to deal with crowds. She took a deep breath.

"Okay, this may hurt a bit." She turned her attention back to her patient. She flexed her hand trying to steady it before the procedure. It was going to be a long day and she'd have to go eat whether she liked it or not.

"All done." She smiled at him. "Keep the area clean and try to rest the arm for a few days." Abby gave him the full set of instructions and sent him on his way. Once he was gone, she tidied up and with nothing left to do she forced herself to walk to the mess hall to get some food despite not feeling hungry at all. She considered if she could push it away until lunch, mid-morning was when Marcus was in the mess hall and she didn't fancy seeing him at that moment. Their interactions were awkward, she had no idea what to say to him, she was angry, frustrated and sad. She understood that she asked a lot of him when she requested to be left outside the bunker. Expecting him to live with the guilt of leaving her to die was unfair, she knew that all too well, yet she couldn't bring herself to forgive him, anger consumed her. She didn't want to feel that way but she couldn't stand his compassion. Marcus was good, deeply good and that's what he saw in her and she couldn't stand that because she wasn't good, not after what she had done. Who she was, she didn't know anymore but she knew she wasn't good as good people don't torture others. What she knew was that she didn't deserve him, she was a monster who would ruin his life just like she destroyed everything she touched. No, it was better to stay away, let him move on with his life, and find a chance at happiness, it'd be better that way; with her, he'd only experience misery. She choked back tears, wiped her eyes to make sure none had fallen, took a deep breath and as she walked out of her office, her stomach growled loudly. Now you're letting me know, she thought annoyed at her own body for waiting that long to remind her she was in need of sustenance. Sounds of her stomach brought back memories from Arkadia.

Fixing cuts and bruises was all she seemed to have been doing those days in the medical. She yawned and stretched her back, it was afternoon and after a busy morning in medical, a council meeting at midday, and an even busier afternoon with wounded workers, she was absolutely exhausted.

"Hey Abby, I'm on my way to dinner, are you coming? It's meat and root vegetables stew today." Marcus' head popped in through the door, a big smile on his face.

"No, I'm not really hungry and I've still got a few things to finish here." She gestured around the empty space, Marcus raised his eyebrows in response as if he was asking her 'seriously?'

Abby was about to reply but her stomach rumbled, betraying her.

Marcus' eyebrow shot even higher and they both laughed.

"I guess I may be a bit hungry after all," she said as she took off her coat only now realizing that her stomach was completely empty.

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked.

"U-huh— Morning? No, last night, I was meant to get breakfast but there was an emergency and—"

"What about lunch?

"I was meant to go but Shawn dislocated his shoulder and it took me ages to set it up and I forgot."

"You forgot?"

"That's what I said, I forgot."

"Explain something to me Abby." He looked at her. "How can you forget to eat? I never quite understood the concept."

"It's simple really. Let's say I am in the process of doing something and I feel hungry. I'd want to finish what I'm doing before I get food because I hate stopping in the middle of a task. So I will carry on and by the time it's done, I'll forget I was hungry to begin with and I'll start doing something else. And the process will repeat. Honestly, it can go all day long if I'm busy."

"I guess I can understand that but surely you must remember at some point?"

"Well, you eventually kind of stop feeling hungry, I typically remember when my hands start to feel shaky, that's my queue to get food because I can't fix people up with trembling hands."

"I'll remember that." A wide grin appeared on his face.

Abby smiled at the memory, telling him that was a mistake because from that moment on, whenever she said that she wasn't hungry, he asked to see her hands to verify. It was cute but annoying as he caught her a few times. She shook her head dismissing the memory, and her smile turned sad. As she got closer to the mess hall, the smell of the food reached her, her mouth watered at the delicious aroma. Inside, a loud chatter indicated that the place was packed, she took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and entered the brightly lit room.

With a tray of food in her hands, she maneuvered her way through the crowd to the back of the room when she could remain mostly hidden from the prying eyes. She placed her tray on the table, sat down with her back to the wall and looked around the room. No sign of Marcus, her shoulders relaxed and she picked on her food, chewing it absent-mindedly, not really tasting any of the flavors, lost in thought she stared into space, not really seeing anything.

She was halfway through her breakfast when she spotted him. Marcus walked into the room followed by a woman who said something to him and he laughed, a genuine laugh, one she hadn't heard in weeks. The woman was a stranger to Abby, she must have been one of the Trikru women who was seeing Niylah, she thought.

Chewing on her food, Abby slumped in her seat, hoping that Marcus wouldn't notice her as she watched as the two of them grabbed their food and sat at the nearest empty table. Seeing them chat caused her stomach to tighten, a burning sensation in her chest brought her back to reality. Jealousy was an ugly thing and she squashed it, Marcus had every right to talk to whoever he wanted to and he deserved to be happy, she reminded herself. If she couldn't make him happy, he'd be better off with someone less damaged, someone who hadn't hurt him and who hadn't done terrible things. Her mood soured, she was no longer hungry, her fork hit her plate. She clenched her teeth. You pushed him away, it's better that way, she reminded herself. She pushed her chair back, stood up, and grabbed her tray to deposit the half-eaten food in the disposal unit before she made her escape through the back door hoping that Marcus wouldn't notice her.

Days in the medical were always long, and weeks of exhaustion and malnourishment caused many problems that needed to be treated now that emergencies were no longer a priority. Abby washed her hands and a familiar scent of antiseptic soap hit her nose. Unlimited running water was still something she was getting used to, everyone and everything in the bunker was just so clean, it was such a change of pace from their time on the ground and even on the Ark where water was so very precious. Still not wanting to waste resources, she turned off the water as soon as she was done.

"Hello, Sarah." Abby dried her hands on the towel as she turned around to see her patient who just entered the room. "How can I help you today?"

"I've been thinking of getting my contraceptive implant removed." The woman wrung her hands. "We're going to be stuck here for the next few years so Jack and I thought that we might start trying for a baby now."

Abby nodded. "Roll up your sleeve, please." It was the the fifth removal that week, hope started to fill the walls of this bunker as people wished to move on, continue with their lives, and leave the atrocities of the past few months behind. Things were changing around Abby and she only watched from the sidelines as everyone else took charge of their lives.

"Don't look," Abby warned as she pressed the scalpel to the woman's arm.

Sarah turned her head immediately and gritted her teeth bracing for pain. Abby pushed the blade into the flesh and Sarah hissed and squeezed her eyes. Quickly, Abby dug the implant out, dropped it into a steel tray and wrapped a bandage around Sarah's arm.

"Done." Abby smiled and Sarah opened her eyes to look at her arm. "It can take a while for your hormones to stabilize so don't be surprised if you can't conceive immediately," she reminded.

"We're gonna try anyway." Sarah winked at her with a cheeky smile, Abby returned the smile, but it was an automatic gesture, it never reached her eyes.

The overall happiness in the bunker confused Abby, after everything they'd been through, all the people they lost, there was still hope left. It amazed her. They were all victims, she supposed, they didn't have to make decisions that Abby did, they only followed their leaders, it surely made everything easier. They didn't lose themselves, didn't sacrifice their humanity, survival was their only objective as all the responsibility felt on Abby and other leaders such as Kane and Jaha, she thought. Their people deserved to be happy even if she couldn't be.

After an exhausting day and several implant removals, Abby entered the council office. It seemed that everyone was late and the only other person inside was Kane. Crap, she thought. Speaking to him wasn't something she particularly wanted to do but if she kept quiet, he'd use it as a chance to try and talk to her, something he'd been trying to do for a while now and Abby had no energy to deal with that so she chose to be proactive and prevent silence.

"We need to discuss the implant removal schedule," said Abby as she entered the room and made her way to her chair. Marcus lifted his head from his datapad.

"Hello to you too."

Abby chose to ignore that. "I've removed more implants today, that makes it seven and we already have eleven pregnant women, some from before the Primfaya but there will be more soon.

"And what do you suggest that we do? It's the perfect time to start having children so they won't be infants by the time we get out."

"Except that the medical won't be able to handle a sudden influx of pregnancies, births, and children and we'll have to prepare nurseries or we're going to end up with a bunch of women unable to work. I may need an extra person; someone I can train to be a midwife."

"Very well, write down your request for extra staff and give it to Cooper, he handles the staff schedule, you know that." Abby took a step back, surprised at his response and harsh tonne. She didn't know what she expected but this impersonal reply wasn't that.

Her confusion must have been visible on her face because he asked, "Is there anything else?" He turned his attention to his datapad.

She blinked back tears that threatened to fall, annoyed at her body's irrational response, hoping that he wouldn't notice, glad that he wasn't looking at her.

"No, that's everything, I'll write the request. Thank you," she said and sat down praying that someone else would come in. She was lucky as only seconds later, Iris entered the room. Abby shuffled her notes, trying to focus on them but her mind was preoccupied with Marcus. She didn't dare to look at him, too scared to see the way he might look at her, too scared of what she could see in his eyes. It was clear that things had changed between them and despite knowing it unconsciously, the realization hit her and heavied on her shoulders. It's what she wanted and yet, the reality was more painful than she ever imagined it would be.

On the opposite end of the table, Marcus tried to focus on his datapad, willing himself to read the report but he couldn't. He didn't mean to be so blasé towards Abby but his head was pounding and he didn't realize how what he said came across. The look on her face when she heard his words shattered him. The realization and devastation on her face clear as a day, she looked like her worst nightmare just came true. Marcus wanted to say something, let her know that she wasn't an inconvenience but he couldn't focus and then Iris came in so he had to drop it. He glanced in Abby's direction, but she pretended to be interested in a piece of paper in front of her. He hoped to catch her after the council meeting but she was the first one to leave the room, and Cooper stopped him to discuss something so he couldn't even run after her. Damn, Kane thought as he stood chatting to his fellow council member. He'd have to find her later, especially since he already had a solution to her problem, Leanna. He was sure that Abby would be pleased to get someone with experience, he couldn't wait to share the news, it would ease Abby's workload significantly.

Walking the lower levels was a solitary experience, it was restricted to most people, the corridors were deserted and smelled like bleach. Oddly, Marcus quite enjoyed the scent, it smelled clean. His steps echoed, bouncing off the walls, the only other sound besides his breath. Alone with his thoughts, his mind drifted to Abby like it had a habit of doing. Deep in his thoughts he made his way out of the restricted level and hadn't quite registered the voices coming from behind the staircase door until he pushed it open.

"Come on, Rue, I'm a nice guy, much nicer than those grounder guys you're used to." Frank stood in front of a young woman.

"I'd rather walk outside without a radiation suit," she replied as she tried to walk past him.

"Now, don't be rude. I've been perfectly nice to you and you're just being a little bitch."

Marcus senses on high alert as he slowly approached the couple hidden behind the corner.

"Is everything okay?" he asked using his sternest voice. He noted that the woman sighed in relief.

"Yes," replied Frank. "It's a private conversation."

"Rue, are you okay?" Kane ignored the man.

"Yeah, he was just being a prick." The young woman didn't mince her words, she reminded him of Raven. Frank grimaced but didn't dare say anything in Marcus' presence. Being a warrior, Kane was sure that Rue was quite capable of taking care of herself, but he wasn't about to let Frank run amok and impose himself on every woman in the bunker.

"Frank, we've been through this before—"

"I haven't broken any laws; we were just talking."

Marcus sighed in resignation, for everything Frank's ever done, he was right, he never did anything illegal, at least not that Marcus knew of, but he annoyed enough women to be regarded as a creep, someone you needed to avoid. In fact, Frank didn't break any laws but he was the first to report when a woman slapped him and it happened on more than one occasion.

"Don't you have a work assignment to be at?" Marcus sighed.

"Actually, I was on my way there. I'll see you guys later," he said and walked away quickly without so much as a glance in Kane's direction.

Marcus turned to Rue, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. You do know that I could break him like a twig, don't you?"

"I can imagine." Marcus smiled. "Indra was your mentor, wasn't she?" A sad smile appeared on both their faces as they were reminded of the woman they both missed.

End of Chapter 7