A/N: I wanted to take a chance to acknowledge anyone who has commented on this series (or really anything I've written) so far. It's been difficult for me to know what norms are here on FFN when it comes to commenting and responding since responses are all through DM, so I don't always respond, but I see and appreciate every single comment and go back and reread them semi-regularly. Also, I know I have at least a couple of very kind guest commenters who I wish I was able to respond to directly! You have all been so sweet and encouraging and I really do appreciate it! Jumping into fanfiction for a series I've loved for so long and that's beloved by so many was daunting, but I've really enjoyed writing so far, and I'm so glad others are enjoying reading my work. Thank you all so much!
Leia knew five words in Corellian: a standard greeting courtesy of her time spent as a diplomat, and four swear words courtesy of the Corellians on base. When she woke, she heard a string of the latter from Han followed by a soft warble from Chewie. She tried to remember when they'd appeared, but the last thing she recalled was walking alone in a snow squall.
Leia squinted and examined her surroundings. They were in a small shelter, just her and Han and Chewie. Neither man nor Wookiee seemed to notice that she was conscious immediately. They were digging through something — a med kit, she realized when Han pulled a roll of gauze from the bag and set it aside. Leia felt the weight of an emergency blanket pinning her body down. When she realized she couldn't feel her hands, she tried to control her panic. "H-H-Han?" she whispered, her voice far shakier than she expected. "Ch-Chewie?"
Han's head shot up and he scooted close to her. "Hey, Leia," he said softly. "Hey. Glad to see you awake."
"I c-can't feel m-m-my hands," she gasped. Every part of her trembled. Leia tried to wiggle her fingers and still felt nothing.
Han swore again and pulled one of her hands out from under the blanket. He slid her glove off and examined her fingers. "Don't think they're frostbit yet," he said, cupping her hand between his and exhaling over her fingers. "But we can't get you to heat until this storm is over." Han looked her in the eye. "Stay awake for me, okay?"
Leia nodded wearily, eyelids feeling heavy again. "'Kay," she mumbled before slipping back into darkness.
Space was cold. The environmental controls in the cutter had failed along with every other system in the ship.
Space was cold, but the droplet of blood that hit Leia's face was warm.
There was more blood than a single person could produce, more blood than a two billion people could produce all crammed into the interior of the cutter. Leia looked desperately for him amidst drops of blood and bits of floating rock. A body at least, though she hoped he was alive. The cutter was empty of people, though. Only Leia and the suspended drops of blood and rubble remained.
She woke herself crying and shivering. Her skin hurt. Everything hurt as her body warmed and shook. The stabbing, burning pain that covered every centimeter of her skin was overwhelming. The sensation brought to mind the serum she'd been given on the Death Star, and Leia had to fight her own mind not to panic entirely. A sob shook her.
Han's voice broke through the fog that enveloped her mind. "Leia, you're okay," he said calmly. Leia realized with a faraway sense of relief that he was squeezing the fingers on one of her hands, attempting to reassure her, which meant she could once again feel her hands. "'t's just a dream, Princess."
It wasn't just a dream; that was the problem. Leia didn't know how to explain that to him, though, and she didn't want to argue, to risk him moving away from her, leaving her shivering and pathetic and unable to tell present from past. She sniffed back tears and screwed her eyes shut.
[I don't think it's just a dream, Cub], Chewie said softly. Leia wanted to thank him, but found she didn't have the words.
"Oh." Han squeezed her hand again. "Wanna talk about it, sweetheart?"
She shook her head, but opened her eyes again to take stock of her surroundings. She was still under the emergency blanket, but her outer layers of clothing had been removed, leaving only long underwear. Warmth surrounded her and seemed to be coming from the blanket itself; it must've been one of the new battery operated ones. She felt the weight of what she quickly identified as a large warming pack on her chest. Han held one of her hands under the blanket and covered the one resting on top of the blanket loosely with his own. She shifted and felt something in her skin resist the movement. An IV. He'd pulled out the self-heating intravenous fluids and was covering the entry point in her skin with his hand.
Leia sat up and pulled her hand out from under his. She looked at the tube taped to the top of her hand with vague interest. "Wasn't sure if it'd bother you," Han said.
She shook her head. "It's not the tube that bothers me; it's the needle. Once it's out, I'm fine."
He reached toward her and tilted her chin up to get a better look at her face. "Lips aren't blue any more," he reported. "Think you're gonna make it." Leia was certain that he was attempting to sound lighthearted, but concern tinged his tone and his smile didn't reach his eyes. He was really worried.
She tried for a reassuring smile, but her skin still hurt and the dream lurked in the shadows of her mind, so she wasn't sure how well she pulled it off. "I can do better than hypothermia," she murmured in an attempt at lightening things up. "Being taken out by a little weather would be embarrassing."
Han laughed. "Sure would."
She looked from Han to Chewie. "How'd you find me?"
[I smelled you], Chewie warbled softly. [The wind brought your scent.]
"Good thing, too," Han added. "You were nearly two klicks away from camp."
"Think I got turned around in the storm," Leia mumbled. "Stupid of me. Should've stayed put but I lost my comm and I knew the temperature was dropping. Was afraid I'd die of exposure if I didn't get back to camp."
"You were barely breathin' when we found you. Scared the hell out of us."
Chewie made a soft noise that Leia recognized as an indication of agreement. She looked at him apologetically, heart hurting nearly as much as her skin and head at the thought of them panicking.
"Everything hurts."
"You talkin' about your skin?" Leia nodded. The stabbing sensation all over her body was duller than when she first woke up, but it was still there, a constant reminder of past injections and her own stupidity. "That's good. Means you're warming up."
"Yeah," Leia said softly. "Does everyone else know where we are?"
"We told 'em to stay put and commed 'em when we found you. Said we were staying here at least 'til morning."
[Cub was about to commit murder, so separation is probably best], Chewie added.
"I wasn't gonna kill anyone," Han muttered.
Leia furrowed her brow. "What happened? What does he mean?"
Han shook his head and shrugged. "Had a disagreement with Coy is all."
"Join the club," Leia said weakly. "I was thinking of getting us matching jackets." She squeezed Han's hand. "What happened?"
He sighed and shook his head again. "When we were startin' to get worried, he said something—It doesn't matter. I'll play nice the rest of the trip, I promise."
"I doubt that," Leia teased. "Really, what happened?"
Han looked at Chewie, then shifted his gaze to the sealed shelter entrance. "We were talkin' about how worried we were when you didn't come back and Coy said he was worried, too, because, and I quote, 'we can't lose our blood bank'."
Leia stared at him quizzically, head tilted slightly in confusion. "That all?" she asked when Han fell into silence.
He jerked his head in her direction and looked her in the eye. "Yeah, that's all. Pissed me off, talking about you like that."
She shrugged. "It's true, though."
Han appeared confused. "I don't get it."
Leia lay back down on her side; she felt weak and her back was killing her. "I'm a—the medics call us 'walking blood banks'. I'm a universal donor with low levels of antibodies in my blood. I'm our best option on the team for a donor if someone needs a field transfusion. I keep a transfusion kit in my pack."
He squinted at her. "You're okay with that?"
"The name or the expectation?"
"Either. Both."
Leia shrugged again, attempting a calm and collected air even though merely imagining sitting with a needle in her arm in order to extract the blood necessary for a transfusion caused her chest to tighten and her head to swim. "The name could use some work. The expectation isn't any different than any other. I'm dedicated to the cause. That means helping my fellow soldiers." And because he'd been so kind, because he'd gone after her and warmed her and tried to cover the IV when he thought it would bother her, she added, "And our loyal contractors as well of course."
Han barely reacted to her addition aside from a slight tilt of his head. He seemed bothered.
"What?" Leia asked after far too many seconds of silence passed.
"Nothing. I don't like treating sentients like product is all, and calling a being a walking blood bank seems awful close to that."
She considered this for a moment. He had a point, though Leia didn't quite see it the way he did. She shrugged. "Well, I'm sure if you're ever dying in the field, you'll be glad we exist."
"Only if it's a decision you make because you want to do it."
Leia snorted. "What, you'd refuse a transfusion if you were dying?"
He looked her in the eye, his tone dead-serious. "If I knew you were being forced to do it, yeah."
She shook her head. "Your self-preservation instincts could use some work." Leia yawned, exhaustion from the past few—several?—hours catching up with her.
Han's laugh was loud, full, and nearly contagious, though she wasn't sure what was so funny until he nudged her shoulder lightly and said, "You're one to talk."
She glared at him but made no attempt to suppress her own amused smile. He has a point. "Just so you know, if it's me giving you blood, it's because I want to do it. Even if you're abandoning me." She yawned again and shut her eyes, squeezing his hand in reassurance.
Han was quiet a moment. "Oh, yeah?" he finally questioned. "Why's that?"
Leia considered the why. She'd want to do her duty of course, would want to help anyone she could in the field. But, also, it was Han — her unlikely friend who did things like buy juice from her destroyed home and sharpen her knife without her asking him to. She was fading fast, though, and didn't have the words to say all that. She hoped her sleepy, "Same reason you came after me," sufficed.
Leia's second attempt at sleep was miraculously dreamless. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had truly dreamless sleep. For the first time in months, waking up was more of a disappointment than a relief.
She could hear Chewie's soft snores and the quiet impact of snowflakes on the shelter roof and wall. Han still held her hand and Leia wondered if he'd fallen asleep gripping her fingers, but when she turned her head in his direction, his eyes met hers, his expression grave.
Leia yawned and sat up, pulling her hand from his so she could stretch her stiff limbs. The IV had been removed sometimes during the night, so there was nothing restricting her movement. She smiled at Han. "You sleep at all?" she whispered, hesitant to wake Chewie.
Han shook his head as he sat up. "Don't worry about me."
Leia looked at him, brow arched, and shook her head ever-so-slightly. "Don't tell me what to do," she murmured, her tone entirely toothless.
He scoffed, a smile playing on his lips, but didn't say anything else. He caught both her wrists and took a close look at her fingers. "Just checking for frostnip," he said quietly before releasing her. "Looks good."
Leia studied his face, increasingly aware with every second that passed that she was still only wearing a single layer of long underwear. She glanced around the shelter for her other layers and found them folded neatly on the corner of the small structure. Leia reached for her insulated coveralls without saying a word and pulled them on, feeling a bit less vulnerable with an extra layer between her body and the world.
"You weren't gettin' warm with it on," Han said. "It was trapping the air, keepin' you cold. Otherwise, we wouldn't've…" He trailed off awkwardly.
Leia furrowed her brow. "That's what I assumed," she said without elaboration.
"Just didn't want you feelin' uncomfortable."
She tilted her head and looked at his face again. "I trust you," she said quietly. She let a beat of silence pass before adding, "Both of you."
"Oh," Han said with a tone of surprise. "Well, good."
How could he not know that? she wondered. She recalled what Luke had said, about Han not being used to friendship in general. Still, it's me. Surely he knows I trust him with my life regularly enough.
They waited a few minutes before waking Chewie. Han distributed ration bars from his pack and, after eating, they shoved everything that remained in the shelter in Han and Chewie's bags. Leia couldn't shake the feeling that Han was on-edge. He had been since she'd woken up, but she didn't want to press him to talk if he wasn't up for it.
When there was nearly enough light outside to safely tear down the shelter and catch up with the rest of the group, Han touched her elbow gently. "Hey, we need to talk before we head back," he said. His tone left little room for argument.
Leia eyed him quizzically. "Okay. What's going on?" He took a breath and Leia got the distinct sense that he was working out how to word something. "Just say it, Han. You're not going to hurt my feelings."
That invitation apparently gave him the ability to proceed. "What you did, runnin' off like that, was stupid and reckless." Chewie interrupted with a growl of protest in Han's direction, but Han held up his hand to stop him. "No, let me finish." He focused back on Leia. "You spent half the trip out here telling everyone to stick together and stay near camp for safety, and then you went wandering off on your own in the middle of a snow squall. You could've gotten yourself killed and you put anyone willing to go looking for you at risk, which is the last thing I expected from you leadin' a team."
Leia realized very quickly that she'd been wrong about him not hurting her feelings; the words he used stung and she found herself torn between trying to defend herself and actually absorbing what he said. His tone was firm but not harsh; he didn't sound like he was lashing out. His face betrayed a mixture of worry and frustration, but not anger.
"We do well to listen to those we trust, Leilei. Especially when they're brave enough to disagree with us." Echoes of Breha's voice rang in her head. Leia didn't think Han needed to possess any particular type of bravery to chastise her — he'd clearly never thought much of station or title when regarding an individual and he was rarely shy about making his thoughts known — but, as she'd confessed earlier in the morning, she did trust him. And though his delivery lacked even the slightest hint of tact, he wasn't wrong. She could've died; he and Chewie had been at risk. If anyone else had decided to look for her, they'd have been at risk as well.
She stared down at her gloved hands folded in her lap and nodded. "No, you're right," she agreed. She paused a moment, expecting a snide comment about her admitting he was right, but Han remained quiet. She lifted her head to look at him. He studied her face intensely but didn't interrupt her. Leia shrugged. "I don't have a good excuse. I've been in my head about needing this mission to go well and it's caused past missions that didn't go so well to come to mind. I…I do better sometimes if I can get a few minutes outside, but I shouldn't have left the shelter last night. I'm sorry."
"You could have died," Han responded harshly, though his eyes betrayed something deeper than frustration. Terror, maybe. "A few more minutes out there and…" He trailed off, shaking his head.
Leia nodded again. "I know. I'm…I'm sorry for putting you through that. I'm sure it was frightening. It won't happen again."
After a beat of awkward silence, Han and Chewie both made vague noises of acceptance and Leia assumed she was forgiven.
[How'd the past missions not go so well?] Chewie inquired gently.
Leia looked away and pulled her knees to her chest. "People died."
"The boyfriend?" Han asked.
She tilted her chin down ever-so-slightly. "Boyfriend, everyone on my ship, my entire planet." Han and Chewie protested simultaneously, clearly not in agreement that she bore responsibility for Alderaan. Leia waved them off. "Neither of you were there. You don't know."
"Did you push the button? Give the orders?"
Leia bristled. "No, but he chose Alderaan because I wouldn't give up the base."
[I don't think so, Princess.]
She lifted her eyes and looked at Chewie's kind face. "Tarkin said that was the reason." The words sounded absurd as soon as they left her mouth. Leia had known Wilhuff Tarkin since she was sixteen. The man treated deception and manipulation like a sport. She knew that. But she'd had a hard time coming up with alternatives for what she'd been told about the reason for Alderaan's destruction.
[You gave them the other location. Did they believe you?]
Leia nodded slowly. "I think so. I—I can usually tell if someone thinks I'm lying. They seemed…" She furrowed her brow. "They seemed to believe me."
[And they destroyed your home anyway.]
"They don't fight fair, sweetheart," Han added. "Even if you hadn't given 'em anything, that's still on them."
Leia nodded. She knew everything they said was correct; she just had a hard time believing it herself.
Han cleared his throat and touched her elbow again. "If that happens again, the needin' to get outside when we're somewhere new, someone can go with you. I know it's not the same as being alone, but Chewie can be real quiet if you ask him, and I bet the kid could even manage it if you're firm about it. And I can….try." Leia laughed and he shot her a crooked smile before continuing, his tone serious. "Just need you to not get yourself or anyone else hurt. Deal?"
Leia nodded again. "Deal," she agreed. Though you'll be gone soon, her mind tacked on unhelpfully. Leia's heart twisted at the thought.
They packed up the shelter and commed the bigger group to let them know they were on their way. As they trekked through freshly fallen snow, Leia wondered how she'd made it as far as she had during the night. It was an absolute miracle they'd found her considering just how off-course she'd been.
Luke hugged her when they arrived back at camp, letting her off entirely too easy by merely asking if she was okay without any hint that he planned on lecturing her. "I'm tired," she admitted quietly to her friend, "But I'm okay. Alive, at least, thanks to Han and Chewie."
Luke regarded her with obvious concern but seemed to think better of interrogating her.
Wedge and Kes both checked in with her briefly. Wedge seemed about as irritated as Han had earlier in the morning. Leia made a mental note to find him later so they could hash things out.
She was about to talk through the plan for the day with the group when Varner Coy approached her. "Princess, I need to say something."
Leia tamped down on the beginnings of irritation and looked Varner in the eye. "Yes?"
The man's eyes flashed, jaw tense. "That little stunt you pulled last night, running off? It was idiotic. You put everyone at risk when you act that stupid."
Leia opened her mouth to respond, to let Varner know that she understood and it wouldn't happen again, to apologize even, but before she could utter a word, Han's deep voice carried across the shelter, his words clipped and tense.
"Don't talk to her like that."
Leia shot him a look, shaking her head. Varner hadn't said anything Han hadn't said just a couple of hours prior. Varner bowed up to respond to Han, but Leia spoke first. "Thank you, Captain, but I can take it from here," she said. She turned back to Varner Coy. "You're right, Lieutenant Coy; what I did was reckless and put you all at risk. I apologize. It won't happen again."
Varner seemed taken aback. His shoulders sagged slightly and he squinted suspiciously at Leia.
She raised an eyebrow. "Was that all?" He nodded and Leia addressed the rest of the group. "I owe all of you an apology as well. What I did was reckless and not befitting of someone in leadership. I'm sorry for opening you all up to risk. I promise it won't happen again."
"It's okay, Leia," Luke said gently. Leia wanted to tell him to stop while he was ahead, but she wasn't able to before he glanced at his teammates and said, "We're not mad. Right?"
Wedge shook his head and Leia felt as if her ribcage was being cracked open. Wedge had known her longer than anyone on the mission. He'd known her father. His expectations of her were usually fair. If he was upset… "I'm pretty pissed, actually, Skywalker; I just wasn't planning on dragging it out in front of everyone." He met Leia's gaze. "We can talk later. What's the plan today?"
Leia was only speechless a moment, after which some latent training from her prior life kicked in and she was able to acknowledge Wedge's statement with a small nod before telling the group at large about what they'd be doing. They were splitting up to cover adequate ground at the proposed site, meeting back at the Falcon for lunch, then moving on to the second location, where they'd stay overnight before repeating the entire process again.
She made a last minute change to the groups she'd had in mind, swapping Luke with Wedge. The new grouping placed Han and Wedge with Leia, allowing the men to vent in Corellian all they wanted without having to worry about being overheard. She could have technically swapped Varner with Han or herself with Wedge, but she also knew her own tendencies when emotional tensions were high, and she didn't think lashing out at Varner would help the team overall.
"Sometimes good leadership is knowing your own weaknesses and protecting your people from ever seeing them on display." Her father had said that more than once when she'd been all-too-ready to challenge her own weaknesses for the sake of saying she'd done so, consequences be damned. Leia wasn't certain she could hold back biting remarks if she was stuck with Varner for hours and hours considering how exhausted and raw she felt; better to not put any of them in that situation in the first place.
Han saw through the ploy — or he thought he did. "If you're wantin' a chance to talk with Antilles, during a scouting excursion probably ain't the right time," he muttered as Leia shoved the few things she'd removed from her pack the night before back in their places.
"I don't want Antilles to talk to me if he doesn't feel inclined to right now," Leia said quietly, tightening the straps attaching her bedroll to her pack. "But if he wants to vent about me in a language I don't understand, I won't stop him." She looked at Han pointedly.
He raised his eyebrows. "Volunteering me as a sounding board, Princess?"
She shrugged. "You don't have to say or listen to anything you don't want to. All I'm saying is don't shut him down on my account. I'm fine with it." Leia slid her arms through the straps on her pack and addressed the entire group. "If everyone's packed, let's tear the shelters down and get going."
The air outside was again colder than Leia expected and she wondered how long it would take to acclimate, to at least expect the right level of chill. She walked alongside Chewie, while Han and Wedge followed behind. The two men only spoke occasionally, always in Corellian, always in low voices. Leia refrained from looking back at them as long as she could hear them speaking. She didn't want Wedge or Han to feel as if she didn't trust them to keep up.
They walked half the perimeter of the proposed location - a large glacier that would offer natural camouflage and insulation from the driving wind and seemingly endless snow. She paid close attention to the area, looking for any signs of wildlife to report back to Kell. The entire area seemed like a wasteland to Leia.
"Do you hear or smell anything?" she asked Chewie.
[Not yet. Not here.]
"What do you mean, 'not here'? Did you smell something last night?"
Chewie tilted his head curiously. [I am not sure. I thought I caught the scent of something that was not you. But I couldn't tell you what it was.]
Leia nodded and stopped her trek, waiting for Han and Wedge to catch up. "See anything of interest?"
"Just flaky, white hell," Han said sarcastically.
Leia rolled her eyes. "You know, I actually do want your opinion on the location."
"Thought it didn't matter since I'm leavin'," Han quipped.
She sighed. "Your personal tolerance for the weather doesn't matter, but I'd like your take on the location from a tactical perspective." Leia met his gaze. "You're a good strategist," she added quietly.
"Think it'll be easier to draw conclusions when we see the other location," Wedge said. "I'm not seeing any dealbreakers so far."
Han scoffed. "I mean, if having to carve corridors and hangars out of a glacier isn't a dealbreaker—"
"It isn't." That had been declared a plausible solution before they'd headed to Hoth. Leia had wondered about how realistic the plan was, but had been assured by beings with far more military experience than she had that it made sense to make use of natural surroundings to hide the base. Carving straight through an existing glacier certainly fit the bill.
Han paid her interruption no mind. "—then the place looks perfect. No murder insects, and you rebels seem to want to be surrounded by as much inconvenient water as possible. Seems ideal."
Leia had only recorded about two-thirds of their observations on her datapad when it spontaneously shut down.
[Probably the cold], Chewie said. [Electronics don't like extreme temperatures.]
"No kidding," Leia muttered. She shoved the datapad into her pack and kept moving in the direction of the Falcon.
Wedge caught up with Leia on the hike back to the ship. "Look, about last night—"
Leia pursed her lips. "It won't happen again, Wedge," she assured him.
"How do you know?"
The sun reflected off the snow, its brilliant brightness forcing Leia to squint and making it difficult to make out Wedge's expression. "What do you mean?"
"You seemed kind of—It's obvious what we were talking about brought up some old memories. If you had a flashback or something—" She wanted to interrupt, to say that of course she hadn't had a flashback, but she distinctly remembered having to ground herself out in the swirling snow before the whiteout had overtaken her. She bit her bottom lip and let Wedge finish his thoughts. "Here's the thing: we all have 'em. Anyone who's seen battle up-close probably has 'em. But just running off like that—Leia, if we'd been in a combat situation, you would've been killed."
"I know not to step out in front of a line of stormtroopers, Wedge," Leia said icily.
"I'm not just talking about the other side."
Leia scrunched her brows together. "What are you talking about?"
"I don't condone it, and I've never…But, if someone's trying to keep an entire squadron hidden out in the field, and one person is putting the entire group at risk…"
She stared at him, doubting that she'd understood him correctly, hoping she hadn't. "Fragging?" she hissed. The wartime tragedy of one soldier murdering another on the battlefield wasn't foreign to Leia; it had been discussed on the Senate floor; it had been thoroughly condemned by her parents. But, she'd only heard of it in the context of retaliation — a violent and irreversible manifestation of deep grudge-holding. That motivation was bad enough. What he was describing… "That's a war crime. If you've seen anyone—"
"I've never seen it firsthand," he assured her, though Leia hardly felt much comfort from the admission. "And I've never even heard of it happening with the Alliance. But people get desperate in the field. They get scared and do things they wouldn't normally do. And if you're the one causing the fear…I'm just saying, not everyone reacts compassionately if you're putting others at risk."
Leia's mind whirred. Wedge's concerns weren't without cause — he'd no doubt heard of such atrocities with the Empire — but his questioning whether or not she knew if she'd go wandering off again bothered her. She was in control of her actions, of her mind. Even in the midst of everything the night before, she could have chosen to stay in the shelter. She didn't love the implication that a few stray memories might cause her to lose control of her own faculties.
She apologized again, assured Wedge it wouldn't happen again. He seemed less frustrated than earlier in the day. By the time they arrived back at the Millennium Falcon, the group was talking and joking like usual, though the apparent worries about her brain crumbling lurked in the back of Leia's mind.
Maybe I shouldn't be leading other people, she thought as she sat curled up in the gunner's seat in the lower turret, hoping for just ten minutes without external chatter. The very idea wounded. She'd been raised to lead in one capacity or another. She didn't know another way of life. Her parents had intended for her to lead a planet.
Leia closed her eyes and imagined the note she'd found tucked in her mother's dress, the now-worn piece of flimsi that she kept in a small moisture-proof box in her go bag. She'd read it over and over again since Yavin, hoping to internalize it, hoping to prove Breha right.
You are an Organa. You are the best parts of both of us. Show them.
Being an Organa, being the best parts of her parents left little room for weakness, real or perceived. Her parents hadn't been hardened, they hadn't been infinitely strong. They fretted and cared and had days and weeks when Leia had watched with terrified fascination to see if they'd be able to pick themselves up out of the distressing situations they witnessed time and again. They always did, they always managed it. She wished she knew how.
"Thought you might be here." Han's voice grated, but Leia knew it was only because she wanted to be alone, that anyone's voice would grate at that moment. She tried to keep that in mind as she responded.
"Just needed a minute," she said, keeping her tone as even as possible. She looked up at the smuggler, meeting his gaze as he peered down into the turret.
"It's thirteen-hundred."
Leia nodded. They needed to leave in half an hour at the latest. "Thank you, Captain," she said quietly, lowering her gaze to her knees.
Han dropped into the turret, not bothering with the ladder, the sudden sound of his boots hitting the floorplates causing Leia to flinch. She looked up at him again. The space was so small, and he was so…not. The trapped feeling she had to talk herself down from every once in awhile caused her chest to tighten.
He studied her face for a moment before taking a seat on the floor, back pressed against the window, giving her as much space as the cramped turret allowed.
"All right, what's going on? Because you're callin' me 'Captain', and I know I haven't done anything to piss you off."
Leia raised an eyebrow at him. "Anyone ever tell you not everything's about you?"
"You. Weekly. And half the time, you follow it up with, 'But this just so happens to be.'"
She glared at him, not wanting to laugh, but recognizing the absurdity of what had apparently become a regular exchange. She hadn't even realized…
"This just so happens not to be," she said quietly, picking at a loose thread on her coveralls. Leia frowned slightly, eyes again meeting Han's. "Did you tell Wedge I had a flashback?" she asked.
Han shook his head. "Think most of us figured that out on our own."
Leia pressed her teeth into her knuckle, mortified. "He said he's worried if we're in a combat situation, I'd get fragged for putting everyone in danger."
"Last night wasn't a combat situation. No reason to act like it was."
She nodded, his response only slightly comforting. "I know. I…I can't say for sure what I'd do, but in combat, we'd all be busy, right? We'd have tasks. If I can focus on a task, I'm fine. It's the downtime that makes things…" Leia trailed off and shook her head. "But I'm still aware of what I'm doing. It's not like I couldn't have chosen to stay in." She picked at the thread again. "Wedge said he'd never heard of it happening with the Alliance. Fragging. Just with the Empire."
Han was silent for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, serious. "Desperate people do desperate things, Leia."
She wanted to ask if he'd ever been that desperate, but she wasn't sure she wanted the answer. Han, as he had told her months prior, had standards. But he also had a past that he seemed less-than-proud of despite all his bluster and bragging.
"Would you ever be that desperate now?" she asked. That seemed more important, more relevant anyway.
Han frowned, deep lines appearing on his forehead. "It'd be real easy for me to tell you 'no', but combat warps things. I'm not gonna haul off and throw a detonator at someone because I'm mad at 'em or because I don't like 'em, but…I can't consider every scenario." He fell quiet and Leia's stomach dropped. She wasn't sure what to do with the statement. She felt relieved when he spoke again after a moment. "I'd do anything I could to keep from gettin' that desperate, though. That's part of strategizing, making sure you and your team ain't ever that desperate."
Leia nodded because she wasn't sure how else to respond. The insight was sobering and the responsibility undergirding the idea weighed heavily on her.
"This mission has been a disaster hasn't it?" she murmured.
Han snorted. "Not even close. Everyone's still alive, everyone's still got all their limbs, you're gettin' the information you came for, and we haven't had to deal with Imps once. Considerin' all the personalities out there, the fact that no one's been punched in the face is pretty miraculous."
Leia pursed her lips. "When you say 'no one'—"
"I mean me or Coy, yeah," Han finished.
She laughed and checked her chrono. They needed to get going in just a few minutes. She hesitated to move, though. The conversation had been one of her and Han's more pleasant ones in recent memory despite the topic; she hated to ruin the camaraderie. And there was one more thing she wanted to know.
Leia looked Han in the eye, noting briefly how uncomfortable he must be, scrunched up on the floor in the turret, pressed against the wall. "You'll be honest with me if I ask you something, right? No sugarcoating?"
"Sweetheart, when exactly have I sugarcoated anything for anyone?"
She took that as a yes and continued, feeling awkward and a little childish for even asking. "Do you think I can do this? Lead teams?"
A small smile crossed Han's face and Leia experienced the momentary fear that he was laughing at the idea, laughing at her. No laughter erupted from the man, though. He leaned toward her slightly, his voice low. "Now, look, I'm only sayin' this once because it's borderin' on mushy and I don't do mushy."
Except when you do, but go on, Leia thought, not daring to verbalize the quip. She looked at him expectantly.
"Leia, I think you can do just about anything you decide to."
Their second night in the field was less eventful than the first. Leia listened more than she spoke, and was less surprised this time when Han sat next to her during the evening meal. With Luke on her other side, and Chewie nearby, she felt almost like she was with family. The thought caused her ribcage to shrink or her heart to expand or maybe a bit of both. She hadn't felt like she was with anything akin to family for months and months.
And two of them are leaving.
She batted the reminder away before she could dwell on it. She didn't want to cry or sulk or lash out at Han or spend the entire evening wondering when he'd ask for the knife. She just wanted a decent night before scouting the next day.
They managed to steer clear of upsetting, depressing topics. Han had brought his sabacc deck, and they learned that Kell, who'd attended university on Corellia, was better at Corellian Spike than Leia or Chewie.
"I notice Kell isn't being accused of cheating," Leia mused, recalling their first flight to the Indoumodo outpost.
Han held up his hands defensively. "I didn't really know who I was dealin' with back then. Didn't know you could bluff any more than I knew you could throw a knife."
Leia gestured toward herself in disbelief. "Literally a double agent." She exchanged an amused look with Wedge. "Antilles knows. He can vouch for my skills."
"Oh, I can vouch for plenty now," Han quipped.
"Skywalker could probably use some bluffing lessons," Wedge said. "He's an absolute disaster just ordering food if we're on a mission."
Luke glared at him. "Very funny. No one's suspected anything so far."
"You told someone your name was Starkiller," Varner said.
Luke bristled, cheeks tinged pink. "It's my alias."
"Luke," Leia groaned. "Who approved that alias?"
"We have to get them approved?"
"Well, now you'll have to," Han muttered.
"You're just asking for someone to make a connection between Luke Skywalker, killer of the Death Star and Starkiller." She shook her head and patted his knee. "We'll come up with something else for you."
They wrapped up sabacc — Kell and Han tied for most number of winning rounds — and most of the team turned in. Leia sat up, reviewing and adjusting her field notes, adding a few details that Kell had given her, and generally trying to avoid waking the entire group with an anguished scream.
She moved on to mulling over what to do with the teams for scouting in the morning. Leia didn't love that she'd been so distant with some of the lesser-known members of the team. Varner Coy still didn't seem to like her much, but she could get over that, surely. He didn't seem actively antagonistic at least, which was an improvement. She only knew Kes a bit, and she didn't know Kell at all outside of his sabacc skills. I should swap out with Luke in the morning, she thought. Get to know the rest of the team a bit better.
As if he'd been summoned by her thoughts, Luke got up from his spot in his bedroll and sat near Leia. "Hey," he whispered, "what're you doing up?"
"Just going over our field notes so far." Leia glanced at him. "Do you mind if you and I switch places tomorrow?"
"Han do something?" Luke asked suspiciously.
She chuckled softly. "No, not at all. He's been really nice today all things considered. I just…think I should get to know the others a bit more. I know we're only a team for this mission, but…it doesn't hurt."
Luke nodded and yawned. "'Kay, but if he asks why we switched, I'm telling him he did something. No one's messed with him this trip. He's probably feeling unloved."
Laughing again, she said, "I'm sure you're right."
"You should get some rest. Sounds like you had a rough night last night."
Leia smiled at him gently. "I'll be okay. Thanks for the concern, though."
Luke pursed his lips. "Do you want…If I wake up the way I did the other night, do you want me to wake you up?"
She considered the offer. If—If Luke could get to her before she screamed, she could at least be saved some embarrassment. Worst-case scenario was that he woke her out of a non-nightmare. She nodded slowly, carefully. "Yes. That would be…Thank you."
Luke squeezed her knee. "G'night, Leia," he said before heading back to bed.
"'Night, Starkiller."
He glared at her, but laughed all the same.
Leia found herself more inclined to at least try to sleep with the knowledge that Luke might be able to pull her out of a nightmare before it got too bad or embarrassing. She slid her datapad into her pack and retired to her own bedroll between Luke and Chewie, hoping for a dreamless sleep.
She woke to the sound of her chrono beeping along with several others. Leia opened her eyes, thankful that Luke hadn't had to wake her during the night and that she apparently hadn't woken anyone else, either. She glanced around the shelter at her sleepy, slow-moving team and smiled. She was eager to start the day.
She communicated the change in teams over breakfast. Han shot her a look with eyebrows raised, but shrugged when she nodded slightly to indicate that, yes, he'd heard correctly. When they set out in opposite directions to look at the proposed location, Leia found herself walking alongside Kes, right behind Kell and Varner.
"There's a series of caves a klick north of here," Kes mentioned. "Noticed them as we were walking in."
Leia nodded. "Wonder if we should check them out. Chewie said he smelled something living night before last but couldn't place it. I'd like to know what sort of organics we're dealing with."
"Saw a few—Tolkani!" Kes called, causing Kell to stop walking and look at them. "What were those animals we saw?"
Kell's eyes lit up. "I'm not sure that they have a name yet. They appear to be herd animals, and we didn't seem to make them nervous. Had one walk right up to us."
"Smelled kriffing terrible," Kes said.
"But they didn't seem like a threat?" Leia asked.
Kell shrugged. "Any creature can be a threat. We're a threat. But they weren't aggressive and didn't appear interested in trying to eat us, so I think we're safe." He paused as they walked a few more steps. "They were large enough to act as beasts of burden. I'd be curious to see if we could domesticate some, train them to carry people or loads of supplies."
"We have speeders for that," Varner said.
"We're not guaranteed anything will adapt well here," Leia said. "My datapad keeps shutting down from the cold. The reflection of the snow might mess with sensors. We may need to make considerable modifications to the speeders and ships for them to work properly." She looked at Kell. "I think it's a good idea to consider at least. I'll add it to our report."
Varner eyed Leia, but said nothing.
"What's the deal with Coy?" Kes asked in a low voice as he and Leia trailed behind Kell and Varner again.
Leia shrugged. "Some of the rank have had an understandably difficult time with the idea that I'm in Command all of a sudden. It's just growing pains, I think." She only believed about half of what she said, but she was trying — really trying — to at least project a charitable air even if she didn't feel it.
"I'm assuming the people you're talking about didn't ever meet Bail."
Leia flinched and looked at Kes warily. "They're actually mostly convinced my placement is a result of nepotism, so I don't know that knowing my father would improve their opinion of me."
He shook his head. "No. No, Leia, I'm not saying they'd accept you easier because of him. I mean he talked about you and everything you were accomplishing and learning all the time."
She bit her lip. "He did?" Leia knew she'd been discussed with leaders who she'd met many times — Mon, Carlist, Jan — but when it came to those she'd never encountered or only knew by sight, she found it surprising that her name had been brought up at all.
Kes nodded. "I only met him twice and you came up three times. Queen Breha came up probably six."
Leia laughed softly. "Dad really loved Mom."
"It wasn't that. Or, it wasn't just that. He talked about your work and your skillset because it was relevant to what we were trying to do." Kes paused. "And also because someone suggested you be assigned personal security against your will for something. He said he wasn't planning on fighting that battle, but they were welcome to try."
"Still technically relevant to whatever you were trying to do, I'm sure," Leia said with a small smile. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I did something pretty immature a few months back with Varner." She told Kes about the now-infamous target practice. He laughed.
"Oh, that was him? Shara told me what happened, but I didn't know he was the one…" He clapped his hand on Leia's shoulder affectionately. "If he's still nursing a grudge over that, he needs thicker skin."
"Perhaps."
Kell and Varner stopped around ten meters ahead and turned to face Leia and Kes, urging them to hurry and catch up. Leia picked up her pace to keep up with Kes' longer stride as they headed toward the other half of their team.
She heard it before she saw it, the crunching of ice and the muted thud of clumps instead of flakes falling to the ground as it shook off its snowy camouflage. By the time she saw it hurtling toward Kell and Varner, some instinct had Leia sprinting toward the creature, blaster pulled, as she yelled for the men to run.
It was at least double her height, covered in white fur, and running directly toward them with claws extended and fangs bared. It was so focused on Kell and Varner, it didn't appear to notice Leia, and she didn't plan on giving it time to. Still running toward the creature, she aimed her blaster and shot two bolts between its eyes. It stopped in its tracks and dropped to the ground in a powdery cloud of snow.
Leia stood, frozen in place as she watched the creature for voluntary movement. It lay completely still, no twitching, no breath. Her comm crackled and she heard Han's voice. "Chewie swears he just heard shots. You all right?"
The frozen feeling didn't stop. She blinked rapidly, still staring at the creature's form, inhaling deeply to catch her breath. Her heart hammered in her chest. Kes answered Han's call before he could panic.
"Everyone's fine. Ran into…some sort of creature. Organa took it out."
A pause. "She's okay?"
"I'm fine," Leia said faintly into her comm.
Kell walked close to the still form of the creature and knelt next to it in the snow. Leia peered in the direction of the caves, wary of attracting more of…whatever it was.
Kes and Varner were suddenly on either side of her.
"You ran toward it," Varner said in disbelief.
"I know," Leia replied, feeling as surprised by her own actions as he sounded.
He swore, shaking his head and laughing nervously. "You're insane."
She laughed in response, the lingering adrenaline rush causing her to tremble. "What do we—" Leia stepped closer to Kell, who appeared to be taking samples of the creature's fur. "Kell, what do we do with it?"
Kell shrugged. "I don't think there's much we can do with it."
Leia peered at the still, hulking form, a pang of guilt causing her chest to tighten. It was a threat, right? I didn't just kill some innocent creature? She closed her eyes and replayed the seconds before she took off sprinting. It was definitely actively moving toward Kell and Varner, claws out, teeth bared. It would have killed them, she assured herself.
Having gathered as much information as they could and not wanting to risk attracting more of the creature's kind, they headed back toward the Falcon. The others weren't around when they arrived, so Leia opened the keypad to enter the code Han had given her a month prior. The ramp lowered and they boarded the ship to wait for the rest of their party.
Leia sat at the holochess table, a mug of tea in front of her, still shaking from the encounter with the creature. She rested her chin on her fist and listened to her own breathing, fingers pressed to her collarbone to keep herself present. She hoped the other group arrived soon; she was anxious to get going.
Boots on the deckplates caused Leia's eyes to snap open. Varner made his way to the caf machine, hazarding a glance at her as he passed. Leia sipped her tea and tapped on her collarbone.
"Didn't thank you earlier," Varner said after a minute. "For saving us from that thing."
"Well, the amount of paperwork I'd have to do if one of you died on my mission is intolerable," Leia deadpanned.
Varner stared at her, a look of consternation on his face. A moment passed before he nodded, rolling his eyes. "Funny."
"I am," she said, sipping her tea. "Thank you for noticing." Leia cracked a small smile.
"Really, though," Varner said, "that was…a little crazy, but you handled it. Thanks."
Leia nodded. "Just taking care of my team."
Varner nodded in return and left without saying anything else, caf in hand.
The ship felt very loud once the other half of the group was on board and Leia again slipped into the lower gun turret with her tea. Snow had been blown into piles next to the ship and covered the bottom half of about half the windows. Leia watched the falling flakes, wishing they brought with them the same sense of calm that snow did at home. Winter on Alderaan was beautiful, peaceful, and far from treacherous, at least in the safety of the palace grounds. She closed her eyes, imagining snow-dusted trees and a fire in the hearth, snowball fights with her parents that she never quite grew out of — they'd even had one during her last winter visit and followed it up with mocoa in her father's study. Leia remembered their cold-flushed faces and breathless laughter, her mother running her hand over Leia's braids, tucking frizzy pieces of escaped hair in their proper places, her father kissing her forehead and saying how much they'd missed her.
Leia felt tears roll down her cheeks, heard a couple drop into her tea. She wiped her eyes furiously with her sleeve when she heard footsteps approach the turrets, hoping whoever it was would just pass by and not attempt to talk to her.
No such luck. Han called down to her. "Gettin' ready to take off," he said. "You strapping in down there?"
Leia took a deep breath and swiveled the gunner's chair so she could see him. She forced a small smile and nodded. "I think so."
He squinted at her, studying her face. "Everything all right?"
She shrugged, not wanting to answer, but also not wanting to be pressed when it was clear Han hadn't missed her tears. "The snow reminded me of home for a minute is all. I'm fine."
He nodded slowly and changed the subject entirely. "Heard we missed a hell of a show today."
Leia scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Firing two shots hardly constitutes a show."
"Dunno. I'm feelin' unfairly deprived. Dameron said it was ten times as big as you."
"Dameron is grossly exaggerating. It was maybe three meters tall."
"Tell me he was exaggeratin' when he said you ran toward it."
Leia pursed her lips and took a sip of tea.
"Leia," Han scolded, though his heart wasn't in it and she noticed he seemed unable to stop smiling.
She shrugged and tucked a wisp of hair that had managed to escape her braids behind her ear. "It was heading for Kell and Varner, and I'm a better shot than either of them."
"Well," he began, "I still feel deprived, missin' out on seeing that. Feel like I'm owed some entertainment now."
Leia looked him in the eye, all but daring him to look away. "Maybe if you stick around, you'll get some."
"There's an idea," Han said. "I'll consider it." He winked and strolled away, shouting, "Taking off in five!" as he left.
Leia turned her chair back to face the window, hand covering her didn't know how wise it was to allow herself some hope that the little makeshift family she'd found would remain intact — plans were altered all the time, after all, priorities shifted, people changed their minds.
Still…
There's an idea. I'll consider it.
Leia gripped her mug as she stared out the window and dared to hope.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I wanted to let y'all know that in an attempt to have slightly more relaxed writing schedule so I can handle some life stuff, the next chapter won't be out until Friday, June 16, 2023. I promise this isn't indicative of a lack of inspiration or burnout - it's actually sort of the opposite. I spent all of last year totally burned out professionally and I finally have the energy to start getting some things in order, but spending all my free time writing isn't conducive to that as much as I would love for it to be. I'm not sure if I'll go back to every-other-week posting after that or continue on the more relaxed schedule, but I will communicate that once I'm sure what will work well for me. And I'm sure I'll continue to post one-shots here and there because I simply can't help myself.
Thank you so much for reading! I so appreciate hearing feedback and am glad you're along on this journey with me!