Chapter 19

After the excitement of another rendition of "Happy Birthday" followed by Little Jack blowing out the candles on his cake and then the sharing out of slices, it was difficult to get the children to settle after lunch but all the adults knew that without an afternoon rest some of them would be too fractious to enjoy what was planned for later.

Grace had been quite moved when Lucas had outlined his intentions for the evening, thinking it was wonderful that he was so keen to offer something different to engage the children, that took them away from their normal lives and the uncertainty they all carried.

Before he began they would follow their own Christmas Eve tradition, something Lillian's adoptive parents had begun as a way for her to cherish the memory of her birth family in this period of celebration. They both felt strongly about this, understanding the importance of allowing each child the opportunity to remember those they had lost by talking about them and the memories they still had. In some cases, when the child had been very young when they were orphaned, it was Lillian and Grace who had painted the picture to create these folk memories which had now became their own and it allowed them to not just feel the love their parents had for them but to share it with the others.

They knew that this year would be difficult, the pain still fresh for the young family who had just arrived and yet it was important to let them know that not everything about their parents had been bad. It was clear that they loved their mother dearly and that she had done what she could to love and protect them. And from what Joe had told Bill their father was not always the bad man he was at the end, there were good times with him too.

Now as she looked at them all spread out around the sitting room it broke her heart to think of the journey of grieving they still had to traverse. The little ones wouldn't remember much, a sadness in itself, but it was the oldest two who she was most concerned about. The experience they had endured was something that would stay with them for a long time but there were so many good people around who would do everything they could to make it an easier road for them to travel.

She was glad to see that Allie and Chloe seemed to have formed a bond, the two girls huddled together on one of the sofas as they whispered and giggled together. Little Jack was curled up once again beside Allie, despite Elizabeth's attempts to get him to settle down with the other little ones on the floor cushions. "It's alright Mrs Thornton," Allie had said with a smile, wrapping her arm around his shoulder to draw him closer, "I quite like him snuggling with me. I've never had that before…a younger sibling." Elizabeth felt a warmth spread inside her at the sound of those words.

She had left Allie to speak with Nathan for quite some time earlier, knowing that he would find the right words to calm whatever fears remained within her, while she turned her focus onto her son. Memories of his birth in the cabin came flooding back as she looked out on the snowscape beyond the window, remembering how alone she had felt even though she had her friends with her. She had missed Jack so much but now, for the first time in a while, she felt him here with her as though he was acknowledging that it was time for her to let him go and move on. To say a final goodbye because he could see that she was going to be ok. As if he knew that Nathan would always make sure that she and their son was loved in the way he would have done himself and so he could finally rest in peace.

"Penny for your thoughts", Abigail whispered in her ear.

There was a mixture of love and sadness on Elizabeth's face as she turned around to her friend, softly replying, "I was just thinking about Jack and all that he has missed out on with his son. He would have been the most wonderful father but there will always be the question in my mind of what would have happened if he had to choose between the Mounties and us."

Abigail could sense there was more so taking hold of Elizabeth's arm she guided her back towards the kitchen and the privacy it would afford them. "Jack would have done what he thought was the right thing on each occasion that arose, whether that meant going or staying. If he went it would not have been because he didn't love you or Little Jack enough, just that he had such a strong calling after his friend Doug died that he could never ignore. It was like a flame that burned inside him."

Elizabeth nodded, "I know. Sometimes I think that it would have tortured him forever, that he would have had to keep trying to make amends for Doug going in his place. That eventually it may have even driven us apart. Then I think that maybe becoming a father would have changed that, given him a reason for not always having to go. An understanding that it was all part of God's plan."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Abigail knowing that Elizabeth needed to gather the thoughts on what would always be a poignant day for her. That Nathan's brush with death had not frightened her away as it once would have was telling. Gone was the young woman who had fallen for the romantic gestures as much as the man she loved. When it all crashed down she had been broken, unable to understand why and scared to give her heart to someone again. So she had looked for just the romance and found it in someone who she could not be hurt by if he was to be taken from her.

"I love Nathan", Elizabeth announced, as though affirming it to herself as well as making a statement to the world. "The thought of losing him like I lost Jack tore me apart and I fought so hard against my feelings. I know I treated him badly. Allie too. Yet here they both are still loving me. Forgiving me. I do believe that if Jack could choose the person he wanted me to be with then it would be Nathan."

Abigail watched her friend, seeing clarity and peace on her face for the first time since she had watched her fall to the ground at the news of Jack's death. Back was a hint of the feisty young schoolteacher from years gone by but mostly it was the face of a mature woman who knew what, or who, she wanted. Finally Elizabeth was ready. Ready to live fully again. Ready to open her heart to love. Ready for a lifetime with Nathan.

Elizabeth suddenly gave a little chortle, looking at Abigail with a wry smile on her face. "Enough about me. I could go on forever about how it feels to have cast off the shackles that I've let hold me back all this time but it won't change the past. The future is what matters now and I haven't had any explanation for your announcement before. Did you really say that you and Bill are getting married?"

As much as she would love to let the mystery play out for longer Abigail knew she needed to explain things to Elizabeth. They had wanted to tell her and Nathan together and now with so much having gone on in the last few days it was hard to remember how it had all come about but the reason was as clear as day.

You're not the only one who has been fighting her feelings. You know how hurt I was when I found out Bill was still legally married and I let my stupid pride get in the way of listening to what he had to say. Now when I look back I wonder why I didn't just have it out with him but I guess I was too afraid to not have him in my life. So I became someone I am ashamed of, a stubborn self-righteous woman." When Elizabeth went to argue with her she added, "at least as far as Bill was concerned."

She wasn't surprised that Elizabeth gave no protest then and let out an unladylike whistle under her breath as a smile came to her face. "Will you look at us. Wise in the extreme when it comes to seeing each other's situation but too stubborn or stupid, take your pick, when it comes to seeing what is in our own hearts."

She looked at Elizabeth with a more serious expression then, "I am so sorry for deserting you at such a difficult time in your life. Perhaps if I had stayed you would…" Elizabeth broke in quickly. "There is nothing for you to be sorry about, you had to go. Your mother needed you. I am the only one responsible for the mess I have made of things and now it is up to me to make it right."

Her voice trailed off as Bill walked into the kitchen, bending to give Abigail a kiss on the cheek as though it was the most natural thing in the world for him to do in front of others. Elizabeth doubted she had ever seen him so contented and now looking at them together she knew they had come to understand what she was only just learning….that time was too precious to waste by not being with the one you love. She made a promise to herself then that she would make up for all the lost time by doing things that showed both Nathan and Allie what they meant to her. How much she loved them and Little Jack.

"Ah, I seem to have interrupted a serious discussion here. Has this good lady told you our news?" Elizabeth's smile told him that Abigail had, before Bill added, "but I bet she didn't say that she had made me the happiest man in the world by saying yes to my proposal!"

Abigail blushed before quickly adding, "It's a bit of an unorthodox way to do things and I'm sure people will question our haste". Then looking up at Bill with the most loving smile she finished, "but the priority is the children and this is the best way."

Elizabeth was trying to put the pieces together and thought she had it figured out but wanted to hear it from their lips. "So, are you going to put me out of my misery? I have all sorts of ideas floating around in my head right now. Are you thinking of adopting the Scott children?"

Abigail kept her head down but Elizabeth thought she noticed a twitch in Bill's eyes before he answered, "No, we're not going to adopt them. At least not right now."

Screwing up her face in a puzzled expression Elizabeth kept thinking, "If you're not going to adopt then how does this have anything to do with the children?" Another thought popped up in her head and she quickly said, "You're going to open an orphanage in Hope Valley!"

Again Bill shook his head, leaving Elizabeth to wonder what exactly was going on.

In the outbuilding Lucas got up to put another log in the stove before turning to look at what was stacked in front of him. Small bags were lined up, decorated with ribbon and labels in a somewhat haphazard fashion but not too bad he thought considering it was two men who had done it.

Bill had just left, after surprising him by offering to help while the women got on with the extra tasks a houseful of people brought. He hadn't expected time spent with the judge to be so easy but it seemed that without the trappings of their public personas they were just two men getting on with the job at hand.

They had talked a lot about Nathan, Bill making a big effort to let Lucas know how much he appreciated what he had done for the man he regarded as another son. Somehow it had been easy to open up with each other about their feelings, their relief that everyone was safe helping to bring down the walls that had separated them.

"I don't know what I would have done if I had lost Nathan as well, Lucas. You have no idea how much I give thanks for your help in rescuing both the men, but particularly Nathan. Maggie has said that those minutes that you saved in getting him in may have made a big difference to his recovery."

He noticed that the other man was once again looking embarrassed by the praise being heaped upon him and wondered if this was perhaps a new situation for him to find himself in. "You don't like being thanked, do you. I would have thought you would be used to it with all the big extravaganzas you have organised for everyone in Hope Valley, all the grand gestures you do for Elizabeth. After all, getting tickets for the reading by Virginia Woolf must have been met with quite a lot of gratitude from her."

He knew he was pushing Lucas but something deep inside told him that it was important to find out, to get to the bottom of what drove this man in his actions and what seemed to be different now.

Lucas wasn't offended by Bill's probing, instead he felt quite relieved that he was being given the opportunity to explain himself. He took a moment before he answered. "You're right, I am and always have been a bit of a showman. When you spend a lot of your childhood moving about, never having the chance to make lasting friendships, you realise that you either have to be happy to stay in the background or make sure that people know you have arrived. I chose the latter."

Bill found himself thinking about Nathan in that moment and could suddenly see a familiarity in what drove the two men. Perhaps that was why Elizabeth had been drawn to both of them. Not that he was saying they were alike, in fact they were polar opposites in how they reacted to people but at their core was a young boy trying to find a way to exist in a difficult family situation.

For Nathan it was the struggle to protect his mother and sister from the shame of his father's crimes, his answer being to become an honest steadfast man who didn't say much, didn't show his emotions easily except with the people he was close to. Lucas on the other hand had to battle not just the loneliness of being an only child but also of never being able to set down roots. So he had channelled himself into being an entertainer, a magician, a bringer of fun and laughter to other people.

Then they both came to Hope Valley and met Elizabeth and she seemed the answer to what they both needed.

He realised that Lucas was watching him, waiting, so he nodded and kept his focus on what was being said. "Go on."

"You want to know why I suddenly feel so differently? That's an easy question to answer. In the past few days I have seen the full gamut of emotions on display here but the greatest of them has been love. It has been there for everyone and from everyone, something I have never experienced this close before. I see it in your eyes when you speak of Nathan. What you said just now about your fear of losing him. It made me wonder if anyone would feel that way about me."

When Bill began to speak Lucas held his hand up, "I'm not looking for sympathy here, just trying to explain how I have been given a new view of life over the past few days. I don't expect to garner that reaction in anyone because I haven't acted in a manner to warrant it. I have never done anything in a purely selfless manner, the gambler in me always looking for what I could gain from a situation. But here, surrounded by all of you, I have witnessed pure altruism in your actions. There are no egos, no misplaced pride or self-serving manners. I have watched you all and I want to be a part of that. Be like that."

He gave a little laugh to himself then, knowing how deep he was going into his feelings and still not sure how to do it. "Do you know who has inspired me the most? Allie Grant. On the drive here from Hope Valley she was full of gratitude towards me for enabling her to spend Christmas with Nathan. But it wasn't for her own self, her concern was for her uncle and how torn he would be between doing his duty and wanting to be with her. Then I have watched the way she is with Little Jack and the new girl, Chloe. She has such a big heart for someone who has been through so much and that can only be because of the love she has received from Nathan."

Lucas paused for a moment, scratching the back of his head almost in embarrassment, "I guess what I am trying to say is that yes I want the family life I always dreamed of but now I know that it doesn't just come easily. Perhaps that is what I thought I would get by pursuing Elizabeth but I was wrong. I need to be the husband and father that a family would be proud of and for that to happen I have to make myself a better man. Being here has shown me that I have some excellent role models to show me how to achieve that. It will take time, I know, but good things always do."