Chapter 30

"Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?"

Allie tried to keep her voice calm, her eyes darting between Mrs Thornton and Uncle Bill as she looked for an answer. "First Mr Bouchard gets up from the table, looking like the sky had just fallen, and then my dad, WHO COULDN'T WALK EARLIER, pushes his wheelchair back, stands up and follows him out of the room. How could that happen?"

Bill had come along to the end of the table and bending down put his arm around her, working hard to not show his own bewilderment at what had just occurred. "I don't know Allie, but I'm sure it won't be too long before we find out."

Turning to Elizabeth, who was struggling to get out from where she was seated on the bench, he continued, "Will you please stay here with Allie and let me deal with this? It may well be Mountie business, although seeing how shocked Gabe was I don't think so. Nevertheless I think it best if I go on my own to find out. Too many people could blow it out of all proportion when I'm sure there is a simple answer."

Elizabeth looked undecided so he added, indicating to Allie sitting in front of him, "Besides I think someone here needs you."

Knowing he was right she gave him the most confident smile she could muster, pushing down the feeling of uncertainty that was rising within her. "Of course I'll stay here with the children. But please hurry and find out for us."

Inside her thoughts were chaotic, trying to make some sense out of the possibilities of what she had just seen. Had Nathan been playing games with them? But to what purpose? And were the steps towards redemption they thought they were seeing in Lucas really not that at all? Something must have occurred to shock him like that. Was something said? Although she thought not as Lillian had only just finished saying grace. Perhaps hearing all the words of love and friendship was too much for him and yet no-one could have been more forgiving and supportive of him than the people gathered around these tables so there was no reason for him to run away.

On the other side of the dining room Gabe was torn, wanting on one hand to follow his friend to get the answers to Lucas's sudden departure but also knowing that he had a duty now to Lillian and the children. This was their Christmas lunch, something everyone had worked so hard to make special, and he was not going to let Lucas spoil it for them.

"Come on then," he said, keeping his voice light and cheerful. "Everybody tuck in before it all gets cold."

Nathan could hear Lucas moving around inside the small outbuilding, pacing up and down and speaking to himself in the way a person does when they are fighting a battle within themself. He had been slow to follow and even at that pace the pain of walking that distance was already making him feel weak. After trying the handle, which was locked, he leant against the wall before giving a loud knock on the door. "Lucas, it's Nathan. I know you are in there so would you please open this door and let me in before my legs give way. Or I freeze out here. Both of which are likely to happen soon!"

From the direction of the main house he could see Bill approaching and quickly shook his head before saying as quietly as he could. "Let me deal with this, I know what is going on."

Bill paused, in two minds about what to do but eventually he whispered back, "Ok, I'll wait in the kitchen. Ring that bell if you need me but if you're not back out in half an hour I'll be coming in."

Inside the building the movement had stopped and he guessed Lucas had been listening. "Bill has gone, it's only me here now Lucas. I spoke with Mary earlier so she had told me about your connection in the past. I'm here to listen to you, if you want to talk. Then I think the important thing will be for you to speak with her, hear what she has to say. Explain things to her and tell her how you feel."

There was still no sound and Nathan was beginning to wonder whether he should leave the man to his thoughts and let him wallow in whatever self pity had suddenly risen in him. The past few days had shown that there was a willingness in Lucas to change who he was but if he retreated back at the first hurdle into the man they had known, ignoring the offer of friendship and understanding from others, then perhaps he wasn't quite as ready or willing as they believed.

"Lucas! It's freezing out here and I'm not exactly warmly dressed. Will you please open up and let me in".

Finally there was a shuffling sound on the other side of the wooden door and he could hear the key turning. When it eventually opened Lucas was standing there, his face ashen and his whole body trembling. Whatever had happened between these two people in the past it clearly had not been a small thing to Lucas for Nathan doubted he had ever seen a man looking so distraught.

Thankfully the children were oblivious to all of this. The dining room was buzzing with the sound of happy voices and when a pea shooting competition started amongst the boys, using the straws that had been placed in their drink glasses for this special meal, Gabe was quick to intervene. Lillian watched with interest, sensing a new confidence in him to deal with these issues now that he no longer felt that it wasn't his place. He kept his voice jovial, taking the friendly rather than stern approach as he pointed out that they still had a long way to go before they could even hope to challenge the longstanding Mountie Cadet champion. Joe and Timmy gave a half laugh before they noticed that his face was serious. "Who? You?"

"Oh no, I was never very good at it," Gabe replied. "But it is someone else who is here with us."

By this time the whole room was listening and a chorus of young voices shouted out, "Mountie Nathan!"

When Gabe again shook his head they looked confused, "Not the old Mountie?" Joe finally asked, with no real conviction.

From the kitchen Bill's voice boomed out, "Hey, enough of that old nonsense!"

"Unbeaten champion", Gabe told them. "Mind you they did stop the unofficial competition not long after he graduated. It was becoming a bit too serious and distracting the cadets from their training." He moved back to sit down then before adding, "and you may want to try it with dried peas, cooked ones are too soft to work properly."

The group along at the end of the table were much more subdued, the two women and Allie making a token effort to eat but in reality it was more a case of pushing their food around the plate. Mae and Beth were tucking in, murmurs of delight coming from their mouths as they licked the gravy from their chins. "This is so good, Mama. I wish we could eat like this every day." Mary smiled at her girls, happy to see them enjoying something in life for a change but inside her heart was racing. She knew she needed to say something but was struggling to find the words to begin. Finally she looked at Elizabeth, "Your Mountie is a good man, I could tell that as soon as he began speaking to me earlier. I know that he will have just reacted in the moment. They say that sometimes what is required to overcome a handicap is a sudden need to help someone. I think that is the case here."

Allie answered before Elizabeth had a chance, "Do you know what is wrong with Mr Bouchard?"

Mary hesitated, wondering just how much she should say without speaking with Lucas first. If he would talk to her. His behaviour in the past indicated that he wanted nothing to do with her family after her father had died so she wasn't sure that anything would have changed in the intervening years. Yet there was something about the way he looked at her, almost with longing, that made her wonder if he had completely deserted them or had he carried a bit of them in his heart all this time.

Elizabeth finally found her voice. "I think perhaps it would be good if you were to give us some explanation of your relationship with Lucas, as it is clear there is one. For some reason seeing you has upset him. His face just now showed more emotion than I think I have ever seen from him so I'm guessing it didn't end well. Clearly you have already told Nathan some of it."

Mary knew she was right and yet she was still reluctant to speak, not wanting to add to what was already going to be a difficult conversation with the man who had been such a big part of her life a long time ago. Would he be even angrier to find out that she was discussing what happened with everyone here. But then she knew that perhaps it would be better if some people heard her side of the story, understood just what it had done to her. To the people she loved.

"I have known Lucas all my life, at least as far back as I can remember. His family and mine were close, our father's almost like brothers. We went for long periods of time without seeing each other because they were always travelling but whenever they came back to Vancouver it was like we had never been apart. He was older than me, between my brother and sister in age, so for a long time I think he just tolerated me as the younger sister, but I adored him in the way young girls do an older boy. In my eyes he could do no wrong."

Elizabeth remembered feeling that way about Charles as a young girl and how in their teenage years he had suddenly noticed her and their relationship had changed to become more. Then even when she moved on and fell in love with Jack it seemed that Charles continued to feel the same. So much time was lost for her and Jack because she had never made it clear to Charles that she didn't feel that way about him. Only when she had rejected his proposal did he finally come to understand that he would always be a dear friend but nothing more. She wondered if something similar had happened with Mary and Lucas.

"Did Lucas change towards you as you got older Mary? Was there something between the two of you or perhaps your feelings for him grew stronger? Or the other way around?"

Mary gave her a look of horror, as though what she was suggesting was unimaginable. "No, no. You've got it wrong. It wasn't me he was interested in."

Lucas sat in silence, not sure that he wanted to speak about it with anyone but acknowledging that Nathan's intentions were to help him he wanted to try. That the man had put himself through even more pain to be sitting here now made him feel guilty but still he found it difficult to open the box that he had kept locked inside himself for so long. These people had already thought little of him for some time and now when they learnt the truth of what he had done they would undoubtedly turn away from him even more.

He could feel the memories rushing back, of family times spent together in the brief periods when they were settled in one place. They may have been few and far between but each occasion was imprinted on his mind, and in his heart. But his overriding emotion right now was guilt at seeing Mary and how much her life must have changed in all those years. She had been the most vibrant and beautiful girl, one of those children who seemed to radiate joy just by breathing and then as a teenager she had turned into a thoughtful and kind young woman, still unaware of her own beauty. He had loved her, promising that if she ever needed something then he would be there for her. And then when it mattered he wasn't. That he didn't know what was happening at the time was irrelevant. He should have done something when he did find out.

"Have you ever betrayed someone Nathan? Then carried the guilt around inside of you for so long that it ate away at you. But instead of facing what you had done you locked it away and pretended it never happened. Even though you knew that others were suffering because you did nothing?" It was only then that he looked up and staring straight at Nathan said, "Of course you haven't. You have such a strong moral fibre running through you that it would be impossible for you to do that. You would never walk away from helping someone in need. Look at you sitting here now. No matter how much pain you knew it would cause it didn't stop you from coming straight after me. It has ruined your surprise for Elizabeth and Allie yet you didn't hesitate. I'm not like that, I wish I was. Even when the truth was told to me I was too much of a coward to face it, to make amends. To do what was right."

Nathan was surprised by the level of torment that seemed to have taken hold of Lucas, always having considered him to be too superficial to feel things deeply. Yet he knew from what Mary had told him that he hadn't always been that way. "We all have done things in life that we regret, Lucas. Things that we are not proud of. Believe me, I am not the saint that you think I am. I have my faults and weaknesses. Usually I am able to hold them at bay but not without a struggle. The secret is to be honest with yourself. What other people think doesn't matter, you need to be comfortable within your own skin if you want to live a life without regret".

Lucas looked at him suddenly with so much pain that Nathan felt himself unwittingly take a step back. "Whatever your weaknesses Nathan, I know you would never betray the people you love. If you thought for one second that they needed you then nothing would stop you from being there, you would not give up the search to find them. You would never abandon them like I did."