Chapter 40: Can Others Be Welcoming?

"They're not there?!"

Porter was just as stricken with concern as he confirmed to Takeshi, "We found the apartment but there is no sign of them."

The anxiety Takeshi had for the situation continued to grow as he realized what he was dealing with. It was what made him call the two agents in the first place to try and get an idea of how close they were to accomplishing their mission but only led to disappointment. He had no reason to blame them for their discovery but he was still uncertain how he was supposed to accept things had gotten to this point.

Forced to accept he was dealing with another obstacle he was not anticipating, Takeshi commanded, "Keep searching. I'll expect an update every four hours."

While Porter was not pleased to have such a reminder in his head, he remained cooperative assuring, "We know how important this is General. We will also be sure to contact you if we find them before then."

Takeshi hung up the phone and heard Ritsuko announce, "The pilots have arrived, General. We have an opportune time to ensure their synch ratios in future missions are satisfactory."

He stood up from his chair ordering, "Follow all necessary procedures. Keep their mission the main focus."

Ritsuko watched Takeshi leave the command room while Maya observed, "He assumed the duties of both the Major and the Commander with ease."

Ritsuko agreed, "He went through the motions with what he had and proved to be successful. With him here, it seems everything will become routine again as it used to be."

Shigure was not so enthusiastic as he reminded, "Even when things were easier, they weren't pleasant. Now we just have no idea how long this is all supposed to go on."

Hearing Shigure bemoan their situation made Ritsuko remind, "No one knows how long life goes on for. If it is your intention to survive, that is the choice you are allowed to make right now."

Shigure turned away from the two as he made his way to Makoto and heard him assure, "Some people are less certain than others. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

Shigure walked alongside Makoto as he pointed out, "If our security over this situation means making sure one of our pilots we lost is still alive, it's difficult to think we'll have it easy."

Makoto sighed as he realized the ever-present danger, agreeing, "We don't even have the Major when we could have really used her. You don't think Kaworu is going to betray us if we don't find them do you?'

The thought made Shigure wince in fear at the suggestion before answering, "He only cares about one of them. I have no idea what he'll do if Shinji does die out there."

Being reminded of who was the most crucial individual made Makoto lament, "We're more secure than we've ever been but we're in a more fragile situation than before."

Within the Eva cages, the repair technicians were immediately put to work as soon as the units arrived. Many were thankful they did not have much damage to work on but knew it only meant they would have to be ready for a more powerful Angel in the future. What had been routine for such a long time was faced with a renewed sense of calm but without an end in sight left them unsure of how ready they could be.

Hajime was disappointed that the uprising in NERV did not yield the results he had been hoping for but forced himself to remain dedicated as he worked with Koji on Unit Alpha. Despite the destruction of two of the laser pods, they were fortunate to have spare ones for such an occasion. It was one step to making sure the unit was prepared but the most immediate concern was being addressed.

As one pod was being loaded onto Unit Alpha by Koji's work, Hajime asked, "How have the others been handling the current situation?"

Koji kept watch of the pod, answering, "It seems like our numbers have been hurt pretty bad. I don't know if we'll be able to do another uprising like the one Kyoya started. Especially with what we know now."

Trying to remember everything that nearly undid their entire cause made Hajime recall, "We have more members of NERV who are dedicated to SEELE than we hoped. We don't even have a way of determining who is secretly working for them now."

Hoping he had one solution, Koji suggested, "Do you think there's still some way we can inform the Prime Minister that we have to address this issue in some way?"

Hajime thought about the suggestion before agreeing, "Porter and Hawk may be the only ones who will be able to get through to the others about that."

Koji watched the laser pod situate itself on the back of Unit Alpha before beginning in the second as he lamented, "It's unfortunate they have been placed where they have been. We went through the trouble to get those two out of here and now they'll more than likely be found."

Before Hajime could add anything else, he looked over to his table as he heard his phone ring. He nodded to Koji to continue his work as he prepared to speak with the person on the other line. While the fears of what might affect them were very real, Hajime knew he would have to try and find solutions where he could.

After preparing himself, Hajime introduced, "Hello?"

The voice of Hawk on the other line called, "We've searched. She isn't here."

The description was brief but enough to make Hajime feel defensive at what was revealed. He knew the two agents were headed for Misato's apartment and there was nothing in his authority he could do to stop it. He struggled to even fully trust either of them when he considered who was suspected of killing Kyoya.

While he remained conflicted at what he was faced with, Hajime managed the one answer he could consider, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm afraid I don't have anything else to lead with."

Hawk was unconvinced as he warned, "And you know that withholding information is an act that can be used against you?"

Hajime did not feel threatened but he still recognized the thin line he was walking as he reminded, "I do. Please believe me, I want them to be safe."

Little assurance was garnered between both parties as Hawk dismissed, "It is your decision. Just keep what I told you in mind."

The line was cut off as Hajime was left to hear the phone affirm there was nothing left for them to say. Without a chance to tell either agent about the most immediate concern in NERV, his issues were being left for another time. The other concern that he was recently talking about however was more immediate and just as important for Koji to hear about.

Koji turned to Hajime to ask, "Did they follow your advice after all?"

Hajime looked behind him to make sure he was not being watched. It was true that Porter and Hawk turned to him to find out if Shinji and Misato would be together in the same place ever again. He also knew it was not the concern Koji was referring to.

Turning back to face him, Hajime answered, "They did."

It was a simple answer but enough to give Koji the context he needed. They both had to be careful about what they said to one another while remaining in NERV and it came at the cost of providing more elaborate answers. This act of defiance was one situation.

Misato found herself wondering how anyone could have accepted her in any other context but was thankful the Horaki household was at least welcoming. In any other situation she would have hoped this was the place she could escape to but she was determined to make sure it was not burdened with her presence. One individual she cared about would be more than enthusiastically accepted even if it was for a brief period.

It was a bittersweet reminder of the sort of life she found herself running away from ever since the decisive night that caused everything to occur the way they did. How at least one special individual in this grand tapestry of tragedies managed to maintain some level of innocence from what came out of a world long lost. How even individuals who took on such scars might have the opportunity to recover after going through life-changing situations.

Hikari looked down at Pen Pen asking, "Did something happen that made you decide to leave him here Miss Misato?"

Finding herself enter the Horaki household made Misato realize there was more than just the opportunity to see Pen Pen in a place where he was freer from the chaos of the world. Both were only children and a far cry from what she imagined would have been possible for herself. Hikari was the personification of innocence while Toji Suzuhara sat next to her as a personification of recovery.

Medical advancements across the course of human progress were demonstrated in Toji's cybernetic replacements after being an unfortunate casualty to the wrath of the 13th Angel. He would not be ready to pilot an Eva unit any time soon but would still have the opportunity for a life ahead of him. Fractured and all, he managed to exude a sense of strength that Misato wished she could have easily taken hold of for what she was dealing with now.

Misato Hikari's suspicion by giving the safest answer she could think of, "I just don't think I'll be able to live in my place for much longer. The Angels have been showing up closer than ever before and we still don't know how many are coming."

The implications behind such a decision made Hikari ask, "If that's the case then where are you going to go?"

While she was not enthusiastic to lie about where she was going, Misato suggested, "NERV is as secure a place as ever. I'm probably going to end up there at some point."

Toji voiced his own concern for such a plan, "You'll be taking Shinji with you right?"

Misato could readily tell there was more to that question than just a concern for his friend's security. These two were still under the impression that Shinji was still under her guardianship but also knew he was one of the few pilots who would be in top physical condition for managing an Eva unit. She knew there would come a time where she would have to reveal just how much things had changed while utilizing a more pragmatic front as the best option she had.

Misato was able to reveal a fragment of the truth behind such a decision as she answered, "Wherever he goes, I go too from now on."

Accepting where Misato was headed made Hikari reveal some of her hopefulness asking, "If you're going there, can you tell Asuka I really want to talk to her again?"

"I..." Misato cut herself off as she realized what she was about to say. Reports on what happened to pilots in NERV were kept secret and Hikari was not important enough to know Asuka's status. Being reminded of the last time she saw her was haunting enough but the idea that she might have to break the news to anyone about her made her want to recoil.

Remembering such harsh realities of the world she thrust herself back into made Misato answer, "I'm sure she would be happy to hear about you."

Receiving such a weak answer made Hikari tug Pen Pen to her chest as she asked, "She hasn't been to school for so long. Is she injured?"

Toji added, "I know she's strong, but she sure didn't seem to be the same for a while. People are worried she might have gone over the edge."

Still afraid to reveal the cruel fate that fell upon such an important friend of Hikari's, Misato nodded as she managed to explain, "She... got hurt really bad. It's pretty safe to say she almost died. It actually got so serious we're not sure she'll be the same again."

Both Hikari and Toji frowned as they realized Asuka was almost a casualty against the human race's attempts to survive the Angels while Hikari accepted, "There have to be good people there. They have to be trying to make her better again."

While Asuka's fate was not set in stone for the moment, Misato tried to keep herself from falling into despair by agreeing, "That's what I'm hoping for."

Toji ventured to bring his own concerns to the matter as he asked, "Um, Miss Misato, I hope it's not too much trouble, but do you know if Kensuke is doing any better?"

Thinking back to how another crucial pilot had been taken out of commission through extraordinary circumstances made Misato remember the sort of troubles the up-and-coming pilot had gone through. Revealing the status of one pilot was difficult enough but being forced to deal with them both being virtually on the edge of comatose made her wonder how much longer she could soften the situation.

A short pause lingered before Misato answered, "He managed to take down two Angels at least. Right now, I think he might be going through a bit more than we thought he could handle. We just have to hope the best and brightest can give him the care he needs."

Seeing Misato in such a state of concern while Toji's face fell in response to the cryptic nature of Kensuke's recovery made Hikari uneasy. If there was anyone who could help the injured pilots now it would not be her and she had to continue holding on to the idea someone in NERV would achieve what she couldn't. Without an idea of how many Angels remained and how many people in NERV still held on to their decency however, she found there were few alternatives she could imagine.

Hopeful for at least one sign of Asuka's recovery, Hikari asked, "Do you think Shinji will at least be able to help her a little?"

Misato smiled at the suggestion as she remembered how the idea would have worked in times past. "She already has issues with being saved by him as it is. He's probably the last person she wants to talk to right now. It would be nice if that was the case though, it would mean she was still with us."

Hikari could tell Misato was trying to find some way to alleviate how serious Asuka's condition was but it only made her fear what she was about to discover one day. She was never approached as a potential pilot but she had fears about what the position held. It was immediately apparent to anyone that Asuka took it seriously and placing her life in danger would be the minimum requirement.

Feeling guilty about placing this expectation on Misato made Hikari assure, "You don't have to bear the responsibility of what happened to her."

Misato shook her head, "I'm her guardian and her superior. Everything that happens to her is because of me."

Seeing Misato gradually become more discouraged by the answers she was giving, Toji took the opportunity to give his last-minute appeal to her, "When you find Shinji, please tell him thanks for all he did for us. There is no way he is going to come out of this not looking like a hero, he did way more than anyone else could have."

Hearing such praise for her charge made Misato give a smile to mask her anxiety of the situation before agreeing, "That is what he deserves."

With nothing else to discuss, Misato was allowed to leave the household and made her way to her car. Upon entry she saw Shinji sitting in the back to keep himself concealed. She was relieved to see him taking the situation so seriously but also found herself wanting to see some sort of end to situations like these.

Misato started her car and pulled out of the driveway before praising, "Good job. We'll be safe a little longer."

Despite her approval, Shinji was not assured he was doing the right thing as he asked, "Should we though? How right is it for us to run away like this?"

The question made Misato find herself almost meditating on how long before answering, "If someone out there wants us to escape, it has to be for a reason."

Lying on his side and stuck in a state of uncertainty, Shinji found himself thrust into a situation he was in many times before. He had every reason to believe Misato would never want to see him again but he was just as afraid of what placing himself back into her life would be. Everything he imagined came up short however as he realized he was effectively on the run against the world now. The greatest fear he had of being with Misato was being realized every second and he struggled to imagine how things could get any better.

Hopeful he could be assured even a little, Shinji asked, "This isn't what we're going to do forever is it?"

Misato sighed as she watched the road in front of her and remained thankful she did not have to stop or wait for anyone. She still had two concerns that were leaving her anxious: the idea her car might break down, and fear of what sort of life she was leading Shinji into. Life was only continuing to get more challenging for them and Misato found herself struggling to give even a single easy answer.

As she tried to determine what she could say that would ease their minds, Misato made herself answer, "We can't. One day we're not even going to have the Angels to run cover with. One day we're going to get busted or we're letting everyone else know first."

Shinji tried to get an idea of what Misato's intentions were as he told her, "I can't decide which choice is better."

Forced to accept she would have to determine everything for Shinji made Misato answer, "I know which one is less painful."

Shinji found himself exceptionally uneasy when he realized where he was. Being brought into the shadier parts of Tokyo-3 was intimidating enough but knowing who he was meeting was an obstacle he never realized possible. No matter how close she and Misato might have been long ago.

Looking around the area he asked, "Does she really live out here?"

Misato kept herself from chuckling as she realized what sort of situation she was placing Shinji in. It was a perfectly normal part of any relationship for both partners to introduce their respective mothers and fathers, but the setting alone was enough to make Shinji question where he was. If the idea of meeting her mother was not intimidating enough, the dark back alley and the old steel door would.

She tried to assure him, "Don't be scared, she just lives here because she wants to."

There was no turning back for either of them as Misato knocked on the door. If she could say she was surprised by anything it was the fact that Ikuko answered so soon as the door swung open. A dim light shined in the background to reveal her face as she stood in front of them.

Shinji could not say what he thought Misato would look like in another 20 years but seeing Ikuko for the first time gave him a rough guess. Against all likelihood he hoped she would be the opposite of what Misato had become but closer observation made him realize some of the habits she had picked up on. The sake bottle in one hand and her lax interest present in her own environment made him wonder what sort of introduction he would be making.

Misato began the introduction, "Hi mom."

Fortunate she had not drunk anything yet, Ikuko gave a slanted smile welcoming the two, "Well isn't this a sight? Here I thought you would never degrade yourself to see me in person again. Well, you can come in if you want."

Shinji was relieved that he was not immediately brought up as he walked alongside Misato into such a sketchy looking place. Looking around he had flashbacks to the day he first moved into Misato's apartment but now had an idea of how much worse it could have looked. Surrounded by blank concrete walls and a floor that did not even look as though it had been touched by anything other than discarded junk, only the appliances, a worn table, and a mattress that lay in a corner gave observers an idea that anyone could live in this place.

Ikuko sat on a nearby chair as she told Misato, "You sure didn't have to skirt around it. Guess I shouldn't be surprised you ended up having a kid after all."

Shinji voiced his confusion asking Misato, "Is she talking about me?"

Misato confirmed his suspicion, "She was the first one I told. Just don't get worked up for now."

What appeared to be a simple exchange of confusion made Ikuko shrug before asking, "Do you want to introduce him to me at least?"

Shinji decided to answer Ikuko's demand, "Uh... Excuse me. My name's Shinji Ikari. It's nice to meet you miss..."

Ikuko introduced herself while realizing, "Ikuko. Sounds like you didn't get named by my girl here if that's who you are." Turning her attention back to Misato, Ikuko warned, "Misato you better not be dropping this kid off on to me if that's what you were thinking."

Misato shook her head as she explained, "I know it's not easy mom. But I had to come to you for a reason."

Ikuko pointed the top of the bottle to her correcting, "No you didn't. It means you really screwed up a lot if you ended up here. If you're going to tell me then you better be ready to tell me everything."

The truth stung Misato because of how true it was to the situation. She never wanted to say she could not stand being around her mother but she remembered every reason she could not bring herself to be more willing to reach out to her. Even worse she was being reminded of her desperation now that Ikuko was more self-aware of what she had become than ever before.

Misato hung her head before admitting, "You're right mom. A lot happened."

Ikuko leaned in her seat requesting, "Well you know what I want to hear."

No one bothered to count how much time had passed since both Shinji and Misato were asked to account for everything that happened up to now. The most awkward part for them however was finding a place to start. As soon as Misato managed to reveal what began her relationship with the one she was supposed to care for, she found her mother left silent for the remainder of the time.

There were times Ikuko was hoping Misato would finally reveal that she got herself together and snapped out of what she was doing but instead found herself seeing events unfold as though her daughter was in a normal relationship with all the ups and downs that came with it. They tried to keep themselves happy together, they broke up, they got back together again, all of it sounding perfectly natural except for the one sight that sat plain as day in front of her. Throughout the whole story Ikuko was asked to hear, she had to remember that the object of her daughter's affection was a boy she mistook for being her grandson.

The recollection of how they got to her run-down living place in such a denied part of Tokyo-3 finally ended but Ikuko was not any more assured. It all simply meant that Misato still saw Shinji as the one who would be there for her and ready to be the man in her life. As if it was not enough, she had to remember the fact that Misato was indeed pregnant with her grandchild after how far things had gone.

Ikuko wanted nothing more than to down the entire bottle of sake in her hand after hearing everything. In any other situation she would have felt sympathy for her own flesh and blood, possibly related she would even want to meet her in person again. But the circumstances that led to this day being possible were enough to make her feel overwhelmed by a sense of sorrow for what she was revealed.

She tried to keep herself stable as she took hold of her bottle before looking at Misato and asked, "What did I do wrong?"

Misato was stung again as she heard her mother ask that question. Not because she was afraid of revealing anything to lose but from the sight of Ikuko looking at her with a trembling face. She did not want to think revealing herself to her mother would be like this but reality had to establish itself at some point even if they could be happy together at last.

Misato tried to assure her, "Mom, it's my fault. I let it all happen."

Ikuko shook her head before planting it on the table proclaiming, "I wanted you to be better than me! I tried to do everything right!"

The sight of her revealing her confusion made Shinji attempt to assure, "Miss Ikuko I tried to-"

A loud crash sounded through the room as Ikuko held up a sake cup and threw it to the ground before she looked up. She was fighting to hold back tears as hard as she could while gritting her teeth in a pained grimace. The sight of Shinji looking on in complete shock made her turn away and drop her hand on the table as she tried to turn her attention back to Misato.

It took a while for her to manage any more words but Ikuko pleaded, "Please Misato! Just tell me it was because I wasn't there for you! Please tell me it's because I'm a terrible human being!"

The sight of her mother looking across to her made Misato feel shame and sorrow fall squarely on her shoulders as she tried to come up with an answer for what her mother was demanding. She knew her relationship would be hard for others to accept and she should have known she was not going to receive her undying support if she ever spoke to her again. The sight of her just as broken as she was at times however was a painful reminder of what reality thought of her choices.

Misato looked down before answering, "None of it was because of you. I didn't even think I would meet you again."

With little assurance in the air, Shinji pointed out, "She doesn't seem to be a bad person."

Hearing Shinji evaluate her made Ikuko giggle before asking, "You haven't told him about me have you? You manage to get that much right but you still think you have to put this on to me."

Attempting to regain a sense of control over the conversation made Misato deny, "I never had to before. I really thought I would just let you live how you wanted to."

Ikuko pointed to Misato again before telling her, "You made your choice. I couldn't stop you when you were a child and I sure can't stop you now. If you want me to die, then just tell me to right now."

Misato slammed her hands on the table before she asked, "Did you not hear the parts about how we had to escape NERV with our lives?! How we're in danger everywhere we look?!"

The gesture did little to shake Ikuko as she looked across to her daughter countering, "Maybe you should have thought about that before going through with this thing! Coming to me and asking for my blessing is just making me want to die and realize how terrible I've been all along!"

Seeing Misato's mother in such a state raised Shinji's interest enough for him to ask, "Ms. Ikuko, how are you supposed to be a bad person?"

With her interest taken, Ikuko looked to Shinji answering with her own questions, "Didn't your parents ever tell you how wrong this was? What sort of life you're asking for by getting into this?"

Shinji was less than pleased to hear Ikuko's question. There were few times he ever revealed all of his thoughts about his father and he was not convinced he would be doing so now. It may have not been the direct request but even such an indirect demand was enough to lead into that subject.

Despite the feeling of Misato's hand holding his in support, Shinji was reluctant to answer, "They... never cared..."

Ikuko hesitated before looking at Shinji in confusion. The idea that he had parents who were indifferent to the societal expectations of what he was doing with Misato was almost enough to make her lose track of her original observation. It even led into an even darker implication that she was afraid of being possible.

Ikuko turned to Misato, warning, "I swear to God you better not be taking advantage of this young man."

Misato shook her head before explaining, "I swear I tried to stop it... I didn't."

Seeing her daughter in such distress left Ikuko in a state of confusion. Every fiber of her being told her that what Misato was doing was completely wrong and had no basis in being permissible. It should have been enough to at least make her force her out and hope she would never see her again.

It was that thinking that made Ikuko look down and remind herself, "Forcing you out would mean having respect for myself at this point. I stopped that a long time ago. Whatever you're on the run from, I might as well be your last stop."

The sudden change from accusatory to resignation left Shinji confused but was recognized by Misato as she told her, "I don't see you as a bad person mom. I did something that anybody should hate. And I... I just ended up not caring after a while..."

Ikuko was not any less aggrieved by the response but found herself resigned to the possibility and told Misato, "I don't know what cruel joke God is trying to pull on me. I might as well take this as my last punishment."

Even after being given the shelter she was hoping for, Misato tried to deny her mother's claim, "Mom... You can't hate yourself this much..."

Ikuko dismissed Misato's claim as she changed her gaze asking, "Shinji was it? Tell me, how do you know your parents don't care?"

Finding himself on edge of how difficult his situation was, Shinji hesitated before answering, "My mother is dead. And my father... He... He doesn't even want me around... I can die for all he cares..."

Seeing Shinji reveal one of his greatest sorrows captured Ikuko's attention but realized she would not be getting anything else out of him. He was willing to take the risk of heading into a relationship with Misato and he seemed to be in the right place necessary for him to be so desperate. Every instinct she had fought against the possibility that her daughter might have been genuine in trying to give him a better life but it seemed to be a real situation as well. Whether it was to take advantage of him or make both of their lives a little less terrible, there was a foundation behind it all that she did not understand.

Fully resigned to her fate, Ikuko warned Shinji, "Listen to me now. There's only one reason I'm not throwing you two out. That's because I'm not a good person and I never deserved a girl like Misato here. Letting her be born is the only thing I can be happy about. Hurt her even just a little and you'll wish you had your own mother to run to. Understood?"

Remembering all of the hardships that weighed on him before made Shinji uneasy before he managed, "I... Yes... Miss Ikuko..."

Ikuko leaned back in her seat as she told them, "Well I guess I know what you're both on the run from. No one is going to be looking out here, that's for sure."

Realizing there seemed to be nothing she could do to convince her mother that she was wrong about herself, Misato tried to voice her gratitude, "I'll try to find a way to make it up to you mom."

Ikuko dismissed the idea, "You say that like I have a chance of being lifted out of a dump like this. This is my natural habitat and you stayed away from me for a good reason."

Misato denied what her mother was saying, "I didn't want you to live out here. I would have taken you in if you agreed to it a long time ago."

The idea made Ikuko smirk before telling Misato, "And if you did suggest it back then, I would have saved you the trouble of waiting for me to die. Just living with the idea that you got to be better than me is the only thing I wanted to keep seeing for the rest of my life."

Venturing to understand how anyone could come to decide anyone would live in a place so easily dismissed by the Japanese government, Shinji asked, "Um, Miss Ikuko, I want to know. Why do you decide to live out here anyway?"

Ikuko shut her eyes before reflecting on what caused her to be here before answering, "It's plain and easy to understand. Because I deserved this for everything I ever did."

A/N: And here we have a more elaborate chapter framing what might as well be an OC I made for this story. Should provide enough details and give an idea of what the main characters will be living through for a while. I consider this an opportunity to get more feelings out of the way in written form essentially to achieve some of the psychological reflections the series does.

It was actually an initial plan for me that after this story was done I would have Misato and Shinji meeting her but I ended up seeing Ikuko as more important to the story than I initially thought. As per my original idea I decided the best way to justify her being alive was by making her in the state she's in. I can also pitch there will be a little more digging into her past so I can flesh her out as best as possible so that she feels like she belongs with the rest of the cast to the best of my ability.

So how will these three manage together? Will they ever be able to reconcile their current feelings? What will other people think now that Shinji and Misato's relationship is slowly but surely becoming more public knowledge?

Questions like these and more are soon to be answered in future chapters. I hope to see you all then.