A/N:
Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition S11, R1
Team: Caerphilly Catapults
Position: Chaser 3
Prompt: Write about someone trying to make up for past mistakes.
Additional Prompts:
(dialogue) "There's nothing you can do. It's over."
(style) flash-forward (like flashbacks, but the italic bits depict future events)
(dialogue) "There has to be something better than this."
Word count: 2620
Betas: Queenie, Sky
Warnings: Character deaths, mention of near-death injuries
This story has been written as a sequel to "Severus' Greatest Regret" by Queen Nitiqret, although both of them can be read as stand-alone stories. I very much enjoyed collaborating with Queen Nitiqret on this and I encourage you to check out her work.
-x-x-x-
Severus tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep. It was the last night at Hogwarts before graduation tomorrow, but he wasn't in a festive mood. Last week's events kept replaying in his head. Going to the Astronomy Tower, seeing his Lily in that stupid Potter's arms, kissing. And then, as if it wasn't painful enough, bloody James Potter got on his nerves again, pushing him to the limit, until Severus finally snapped and hit him with Sectumsempra.
Severus winced at the memory of Lily shouting at him in the Hospital Wing, disdain clear in her voice.
"Your obsession with the Dark Arts almost killed him," she had yelled. "I will never forgive you for this!"
He sighed, dragging his hands over his face. How could he ever make it up to her?
He was torn away from his thoughts by a sudden flash-forward.
Rattling of chains echoes in the dimly lit dungeons as a moaning voice calls after him, I'm very disappointed with you, boy!
Severus grunted. These visions were really starting to annoy him. He had been experimenting with dark spells and potions quite a lot this past year, and clearly, mixing some of them resulted in this strange side effect.
So far, everything he had seen came true within days, weeks, or months. Normally, being able to glimpse the future would be very handy, but these flash-forwards were completely uncontrollable. They came and went as they pleased, there was no telling when these events would happen, and no way to find out more about them – or see anything particular that he'd like to.
A little heads up before the disaster involving Lily and James would have been nice, but no –not even half a vision of that one! But what he did get to know in advance, was a canceled Quidditch match, or the lack of pumpkin juice one morning, due to some kitchen crisis. Who gave a damn about that?
He sighed again. Giving up on sleep, he rolled out of bed and decided to go for a stroll.
"Lumos," he murmured, and faint light shot from his wand, lighting the way through the dungeons. As he turned a corner, he almost stepped right through the Bloody Baron. He stopped dead in his tracks.
"Ah," the Bloody Baron scanned him with an unimpressed look, "the man of the hour," he mocked. "I hear you're the reason why Slytherin won't win the House Cup." Severus rolled his eyes when the ghost added indignantly, "The first time in years!"
Without a word, Severus went around the ghost and continued on his way. He couldn't quite bring himself to care about the House Cup right now. Losing points for what he had done was the least of his worries.
Rattling of chains echoed in the dimly lit dungeons as the Bloody Baron's moaning voice called after him, "I'm very disappointed with you, boy!"
That one came around fast, Severus thought, rolling his eyes once more.
Before he realized where he was going, his legs carried him back to the Astronomy Tower, where everything had gone to hell. Lily refused to speak to him since that day, no matter how many times Severus tried begging her for forgiveness.
Stupid Potter, Severus muttered to himself. It was all his fault, of course.
He leaned against the wall with his arms crossed, sulking. He remembered Potter mocking his love for Lily, and her voice rang in his head. "I could never love someone whose ambition is to become a Death Eater."
He wasn't a Death Eater yet, like he had told them, but the truth was, he had already been accepted into the inner circle. The date of his initiation has already been set and he was going to take the Dark Mark shortly after graduation.
The Astronomy Tower is crowded with Death Eaters. They step back respectfully as Severus strides past them to the front of the group, where a trembling, pale blond boy clutches his wand aimed at Albus Dumbledore. Severus unceremoniously shoves the boy aside and pulls out his wand.
The old man looks exhausted, visibly struggling to stay upright by the opening in the wall.
"Severus..." His voice comes out weak. "Please..."
"Avada Kedavra!"
A jet of green light shoots out of Severus's wand and hits Dumbledore square in the chest. The impact of the curse throws him through the opening and he falls down from the Tower, to the Death Eaters' loud cheers.
Severus recoiled from the vision as if burned, nearly falling over.
What the hell was that? He thought.
For a while he just stood there, clutching his chest with one hand and supporting himself against the wall with the other, breathing hard, his eyes wide open. That flash-forward was from years in the future, Severus could tell. Dumbledore looked significantly older.
Dumbledore... He was going to kill Dumbledore? Severus shook his head, still in shock.
A few weeks ago, he would have been glad to find out he would become a successful Death Eater, but now... All he could think about was what Lily would say to this. She would despise him – even more than she already did.
There had to be a way around it. Now that Severus knew where his path took him, he could change it. If he didn't take the Dark Mark, perhaps he could mold a future where he would be able to make up for all the pain he'd caused Lily, and then maybe there was a chance for them to be friends again.
-x-x-x-
Severus stood in his new apartment, staring at a wall calendar, where a date circled with black ink – the day he was meant to take the Dark Mark –told him he only had a few weeks of a normal life left. Now that he decided not to become a Death Eater, he would have to go into hiding. The Dark Lord wasn't exactly the kind of person to whom one could just say, "Oh, sorry, I changed my mind. I won't be joining your inner circle after all." Still, it was worth it. For Lily, everything was.
The flash-forwards he's been having barely ever happened anymore. Apparently, the unexpected side effect of his experiments was finally wearing off. He was generally happy about that, although there were things he wouldn't mind knowing sometimes, like when he would be able to see Lily again. He last saw her on the day of their graduation, and since she still refused to speak to him, he didn't even know where she lived now.
However, a chance to see her came much sooner than he expected. As he was walking down the street one day, a gleam of red hair in the summer sun, that he would recognize anywhere, caught his eye.
"Lily?" he called with disbelief.
She turned around and he finally got to see the familiar face he missed so much.
"Sev?" She looked surprised to see him, but then she narrowed her eyes suspiciously and demanded, "What are you doing here?"
Severus winced at her tone. For all the times he followed her around the castle, trying to talk to her and apologize (he even chased her through the corridors once, all the way to the Gryffindor common room), he couldn't blame her for thinking he was stalking her.
"I live here now." He pointed a finger towards his apartment and Lily visibly relaxed. "In that building. Do you live somewhere nearby as well?" As he saw her tense uncomfortably again, he hastily waved his hands. "No, never mind. You don't have to answer that. So how are you?"
She shot him a haughty look.
"I'm fine, and you? A Death Eater yet?"
Severus clenched his jaw. There were so many things he craved to tell her. I've changed. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm sorry I hurt you. I want to be a better man for you. But he couldn't get any words through his constricted throat. He just rolled up his sleeve to show her there was no Dark Mark there.
Lily slightly raised her eyebrows, and then averted her gaze with a bored expression, but at least she hasn't walked away yet.
"Look, I'm really sorry for everything that's happened," Severus said softly. "Can't we work it out? For old times' sake?"
There was a glint of anger in her eyes when she looked at him again.
"What times?" She snorted. "When you called me a Mudblood but then claimed you loved me?"
He winced at the sound of the fateful word, which marked the beginning of the end of their friendship, and the unmistakable contempt in her voice.
"I never meant to call you that," he insisted, remorse mixing with fury at the memory of what had led to the loss of his self-control. "It's that stupid Potter, all right? He-"
"You should be careful with your choice of words, Sev," she cut him off, raising her palm. Severus's breath caught in his throat as sunlight reflected off a gold wedding ring on her finger. "I'm a Potter now."
His stomach twisted uncomfortably and for a moment he thought he was going to be sick. He felt as if all air was punched out of his lungs. His vision swam a little. He blinked rapidly and took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart.
Lily got married. To that jerk, nonetheless. He had been aware this could happen at some point, but this was unreasonably fast. Not for the first time, he wondered what the hell she saw in him.
However, this wasn't the time to get into it. If he was ever going to be her friend again, he needed to accept her choices, however disappointing he might find them. So, swallowing his heartbreak, he did his best to give her a smile.
"Congratulations," he managed, but the word came out bitter rather than kind. Additionally, his facial muscles refused to cooperate and the smile he was hoping for, formed into more of a sour scowl.
"Thanks," she spat coldly, letting her hand fall to her side.
This wasn't going well. Severus sighed, gathering all his courage, knowing this could be his last chance to make things right with her.
"Lils, I've loved you since we were kids. If you chose to be with an arrogant bully instead of me, then fine, I have to make peace with that. But Lils..." He took a step towards her. She didn't move but she narrowed her eyes, watching him warily, as if expecting him to attack her any moment. Severus swallowed, trying to ignore the sting in his chest it caused. "We had been best friends for years, before you even met him. There was a time when all we had was each other, remember?"
"That time has passed," she stated coolly.
"I know," he said slowly," and I know that I hurt you. And I am so, so sorry-"
"Save it, Sev," Lily cut him off again with a steely glint in her green eyes.
"I will keep apologizing for the rest of my life, if I have to!" he persisted. He suppressed the urge to reach for her hand and all but begged, "Please, just tell me how I can make it up to you. I'll do anything for us to be friends again."
Lily's gaze did not soften.
"There's nothing you can do. It's over."
It was as if a bucket of ice water was poured on his head. There was a lump in his throat and his voice wavered when he finally managed to speak.
"Please, don't say that."
"I told you, I never want to see you again," she reminded him indignantly. "I have enough to remember you by. James's scars all over his chest remind me every day of what you've done. He'll have to live with them forever."
Anger bubbled up in him through the remorse he'd been feeling. What about everything Potter had done to him? Bloody Potter, who traumatized him at Hogwarts, and not only stole his Lily away from him, but also turned her against him.
"Not forever," he blurted out through gritted teeth before he could stop himself. "Just until he dies."
The moment the words left his mouth, he wished he could take them back. Lily gaped at him, her lips parted with disbelief and resentment. Severus shut his eyes, cursing himself mentally. How could he screw things up again?
"I'm sorry, Lils, I didn't mean it," he apologized hastily but it was too late. In a swirl of red hair, Lily turned on her heel and stormed away without another word. "No, wait!" he called after her. "Please! I'm sorry!"
He meant to go after her, but he merely managed a few steps before he was blinded by a violent flash-forward.
The house is blasted to pieces. Severus meanders between huge chunks of rubble. He can hear the blood pulsing in his ears.
"No," he mutters under his breath in horror. "The Dark Lord has found them."
He stumbles over something and looks down to see James Potter's body lying between broken bricks. Severus breathes heavily, raising his gaze to the further end of the demolished house. He trudges through the debris, searching.
And then he finds her. The sight of Lily's dead body brings Severus to his knees. He collapses next to her and wails desperately, tears rolling down his face, blurring his vision. He reaches for her blindly and her skin is cold as ice under his fingers.
Severus felt as if an invisible hand just reached into his chest and crushed his heart. He couldn't breathe, and he didn't even bother trying to stay upright. He slid down the nearest building wall, his fists pulling at his hair.
The Dark Lord would kill Lily. Why? When? He tried focusing on the vision, but it was useless. He had no way of triggering or controlling the flash-forwards, and with the rate he's been having them lately, he wouldn't be surprised if it was his last one.
He had to get them back. If there was even a slight chance of finding out more, he would suffer those stupid visions time and again. He rushed back to his apartment with one feverish thought occupying his mind – he had to save Lily.
For the next two weeks, Severus worked relentlessly day and night, going through his notes and brewing every single potion he had experimented with at Hogwarts. He drank them all, along with the antidotes to those which required it, but the only side effect he managed to get was a nosebleed.
"Damn it!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the table and making several vials fall to the floor and smash. "This is useless!" He dragged his hands over his face. "There has to be something better than this."
There is, his brain provided.
His gaze wandered to the calendar, where the date circled with black ink screamed an obvious solution.
If he became a Death Eater, he could find out what the Dark Lord wanted with Lily and James. On the inside, Severus would know when he was going to kill them, and he might be able to prevent it. If he saved her life – and that stupid husband of hers – he could make up for all the wrong he's done to her.
Lily would never know, of course. She would never speak to him again. To her, he would always remain the man who chose the Dark Mark – the man she despised. But if that's what it took to keep her safe, then it was worth it. For Lily, everything was.