JUDGEMENT
upright — self-evaluation, awakening,
renewal, purpose, reflection, reckoning
reversed — self-doubt, lack of self-awareness,
failure to learn lessons, self-loathing
OCTOBER 1976
"I CAN'T COME HERE tomorrow evening," Regulus tells her as if they were on a schedule. As if a portion of his world (mostly his sanity) revolved around her, and it was only natural to see her as many times as he could. He acts as if seeing her smile was part of his routine, carves out time for her in his already busy schedule as if it were as important as eating his three meals.
He wasn't even aware of how much he needed to see her, of how they were never that desperate to catch a glimpse of each other, until then.
It was simply that Regulus Black meets Amaris Leclair in the Astronomy tower in the evenings. And he treats it like a fact.
He would have probably continued to do so, had she not pointed it out.
.
"Oh." For a moment, her expression falters, lips curling in disappointment, and eyes downcast. Regulus would willingly do anything in his power to relieve it; but Amaris picks herself back up just as quickly, in order to assure him.
"It's okay," the Hufflepuff smiles wryly. "We don't have to meet everyday anyway. Honestly, I never even noticed how often we've actually been meeting. It's just… I like spending time with you, that's all."
And how could he keep himself from her after hearing that?
"It's not that I'm not fond of seeing you," Regulus immediately tries to diffuse any misunderstanding that could arise. "I'd rather be here than elsewhere. I just have duties to attend to tomorrow night onwards."
"Duties?" Amaris tilts her head in confusion.
"New prefects start their rounds this week," he answered curtly. Though, his newfound title certainly comes as a surprise to her.
"Wait, you're a prefect? " the maiden gapes. And here she thought she had the enigma of Regulus Black figured out.
"Yes, as you can see," the Slytherin brandishes the badge fastened to his robes, and true to his word the silver and emerald emblem has the word engraved on its surface.
She blinks twice and wonders how she never noticed this until now. Sure, it was dark in the tower. And sure, despite being a Slytherin, the boy was never one to brag about the titles he didn't particularly care for. But Merlin, she thought she watched him close enough to be able to confidently declare that she knew Regulus Black.
Not enough, apparently.
'I'm a bad friend,' the intrusive thought creeps up on her.
Which is why, she makes sure of it, the next time. "How many commitments do you even have?"
"Well, aside from prefect duties, there's Quidditch," he gives her a look as if to say 'but you already knew that.'
Amaris patiently waits for him to go on, somehow knowing that that couldn't possibly be just it.
"As for organizations, I have the Slug Club, the connections and perks were too good of an opportunity to pass up. There's also a study group I have with some Slytherin upperclassmen and a social club exclusive to the Sacred Twenty Eight. I gave Potions and Ancient Runes a try, but they merely did homework, so I didn't bother sticking around," the boy elaborates. "Ah, I would have dabbled with the Chess Club too, but I found matches at the Slytherin common room more challenging and better practice. In the end, I'm left with the bare minimum, I suppose."
"Bare minimum?" she repeats, before pointing out, "Reg, I'm not even in a club. And most of the ones you —I quote— 'didn't bother sticking around' for, are not challenging enough for you?"
"I'm going to become the head of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. This much should be nothing," he states simply, and she can't for the life of her, comprehend what normal means for him. If this was the standard, then that would mean she was at rock bottom, wouldn't it?
"Wow," is all the blue-eyed girl manages to say for a good five seconds.
She feels this growing distance between them and wonders when she started being greedy, but beyond that, she faults herself for not noticing sooner.
.
"You're right," Amaris tells him, completely missing the point. "We should really cut back on meeting at night. I'm sorry, I didn't know you were this overworked, I should've noticed—"
"Amaris—" the Slytherin attempts to clear things, but to no avail, she continues to ramble in her spiral of self-guilt.
"Gosh, I never even asked about how busy you are, and you probably force yourself to make time for me. I'm so sorry—"
"Ama—"
"I promise it won't happen again—" She buries her face in her hands, but Regulus doesn't miss the opening presented to him.
"Ari!" He finally manages to cut her off by pulling her wrists back, forcing her to look him in the eye.
Cerulean orbs meet silver irises, finally rendering her silent.
"…Sorry," the Hufflepuff winces, when she realizes that he'd been attempting to talk sense into her.
"Look, I said it before, I'm fond of our time together." Nu-uh. He's never said that. At least not with those words, she could argue. But then he says things like— "I'm not forcing myself to be with you." And who could ever resist hearing that?
Regulus heaved an exasperated sigh, but he told her as earnestly as he can, and it almost puts her thoughts to rest.
Almost.
But something tells her this isn't going to be the first time he'll blow off plans. That there would be other matters to attend to. That he's probably going to get busier from now on.
And it makes her feel a little bit (really, it's miniscule, barely recognizable, she'd insist) lonelier thinking so.
.
Amaris easily gets lost in her thoughts for the nth time, oblivious to the way Regulus had trailed on when he finally releases her from his grasp, "Now that I think about it—"
Well, come on, of course he has other friends. He's always been fine without her. In fact, with everything he's been up to, she should be happy for him. Regulus is thriving! Not that he wasn't already brilliant. But, what kind of friend does this make her, to worry about insignificant little things like the distance between them? If anything, she should be trying to alleviate his burden. He barely gets to breathe. There's a lot of pressure on his plate, and she doubts he's getting enough rest. Merlin, why is she taking up his schedule when he should be sleeping by now? Bloody hell, she's only making this worse!
"Amaris?" Regulus interrupts her train of thought. The way he narrows her eyes, tells her that he knows she hadn't been paying attention.
"Sorry," she mentally chides herself once again, pursing her lips together apologetically. "Um, could you repeat that, please?"
"I was asking if you want to come with me tomorrow night. That way, we won't have to meet here, but we can still spend time with each other," the Slytherin proposes, and she smiles almost immediately, only to recall the implications of their relationship in public; it was the whole reason they hid out in this tower in the first place.
Amaris failed to meet his eyes as she played with the fraying hem of her sweater, "Won't… won't that be an issue?"
The way her brightness dampened instantly, doesn't go unnoticed by his keen eye, so he presses a finger between her furrowed eyebrows, in an attempt to smooth out their wrinkles. He almost chuckles when she stares at him with a dumbfounded expression on her face. But, well, he finally caught her attention, at least.
"The prefect I was paired with told me they can't make it tomorrow. I was going to do it by myself, so I don't see a problem why I can't bring you along," Regulus explains.
"But what if someone sees me with you?" Amaris reasoned out, "I'm not a prefect, and it'll be after dark in the open, they'll catch me and…"
"And?"
"I'm a Muggle-born."
Knowing she couldn't seem to let it slide, Regulus goes about it another way, fully aware that despite Amaris' inability to stand up for herself, she never fails to do so when it comes to the people she cares about.
"Are you doubting me?"
As expected, the Hufflepuff doesn't miss a beat to protest, "Of course not! I'm just worried about what would happen to you if someone sees you with the likes of me."
"Amaris, anyone outside their dorms would earn detention were they to catch me. If anything, they would be trying to avoid me, like you should," he drawled on dryly. "Besides, I have the power to deduct house points and snitch on them when pushed. Who would even dare?"
She raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms, regaining her confidence as she sighs mockingly, "I'm starting to think that giving you a badge is a bad idea. You in power? What were they thinking?"
"I won't let anything happen to you," he flicks her forehead, albeit endearingly. "Don't worry."
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Who's going to protect you?" Amaris asks in return because that was the type of person she was, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
"Didn't you say you'll have my back? It was quite a while ago, did you not mean it?" he teased.
And yet, her lips curl up genuinely, finally giving in, "Alright, alright, you've made your point. I'd love to explore Hogwarts with you."
.
.
.
[ October 26, 1976 ]
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Thank you for tonight! :)
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
You don't have to thank me.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Yeah, but I immediately froze up when Filch passed us. :(
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Wouldn't say I didn't expect it from you. I told you that the fake badge would be useful.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Still, I'm a bit worried about how adept you are at fraud. I've never seen someone do it so smoothly without batting an eye. :P
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Pfft. You're just a terrible liar. You wear your heart on your sleeve.
(The faces you're drawing are completely unnecessary. I don't need a doodle to know how you probably look right now.)
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
I do?
(It's fun! :D )
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Well, I don't think it's a bad thing. But, I certainly can't afford to do so.
(I can tell.)
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Why not?
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
When you're around the people I am, honesty would get you killed.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
:(
Regulus, it's 2am. It's too early to be thinking of such morbid things.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
(Again with those faces.)
You're right. Go to bed.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
(Do they annoy you? :3 )
I don't mind talking more, but you should definitely get some sleep.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
(They're silly. Like you.)
So should you. Good night.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Good night :)
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
And for the record, you can always be honest around me.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
I know.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; redacted:
It's why I like being with you.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Sweet dreams
:-|
[ October 27, 1976 ]
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
We're meeting at the tower tonight, right?
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Change of plans. Can't see you tonight. Prefect meeting.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Ooohh, no worries. Good luck!
[ October 28, 1976 ]
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Are you still up for meeting tonight? I heard some Slytherins saying Quidditch practice was intense.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
"Intense" is one way to put it. We were all a second away from whipping our wands out and hexing each other.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Yikes.
You can rest up if you have to. We can see each other anytime. Don't push yourself!
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow.
[ October 29, 1976 ]
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Quidditch party running late. Can't come tonight after all.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
That's okay! Congratulations on your win. We should also celebrate together sometime. I bought you some treats. :)
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Once again, I can't thank you enough for cheering for your enemy house.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Oh please, you didn't even go against Hufflepuff!
[ October 30, 1976 ]
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Slughorn has a party tomorrow evening.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Oh?
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Yes, to celebrate the Samhain. It's from sunset to midnight. I honestly think he's just using the club as an excuse to throw these stupid parties.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
That's fine! I told you, we don't have to meet every day.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
If you're up for it, though, I can meet you just after midnight.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Reg, really, it's okay. I'll go to bed early tomorrow for a change.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Well, you do need to grow plenty.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Okay, keep making your short jokes. If I grow 6 more inches, you'll run out of them.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
At least your dreams can reach that high.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Well, you're a pole.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
…?
We need to work on your comebacks.
How about tonight? Want to meet up?
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
After you pick on me?
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Well, I can't have you missing me too much, can I?
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; redacted:
I already do.
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
I'm already at the tower, slow poke. :P
.
.
.
NOVEMBER 1976
HER CHEST IS HOLLOW and her ears ring at the sound of someone shouting. Their voice is raspy, and they're heatedly screaming about something she is unable to decipher with everything going on and, most especially, with the erratic way they'd been speaking. This person was stumbling over their words as if they were desperate to say the culmination of everything in their head in a span of a single breath; their lungs seemed fit to explode.
"Amaris," she hears a familiar voice call out to her; the tone even, albeit wary. "Breathe."
It's only then that she realizes that she had been the one screaming. The sound of her voice was so full of rage and hurt that she barely even recognizes it as her own.
"What about Voldemort then, Regulus?!" she asks him, unable to control the words that escape her lips, and yet, the sound of that name still manages to send shivers down her spine.
"Are you mad?! Don't speak of his name!" the Slytherin boy raises his voice just as loud as she had, eyes wide as if she had just killed a man— or rather, shot herself.
But even so, she recognizes that look in his eyes, full of fear and concern for her.
Her other self is relentless. She continues to go on, bombarding him with questions he is incapable of answering.
"What about, then?" Amaris cried out, voice broken, eyes rimmed red and angry tears streaming down her face. "Would you stand for the same cause as him?"
'Stop,' she yearns to tell this figment of herself. 'Please. Stop.'
"Would you point your wand at us and kill us with a flick of a wand because we're just filthy little Mudbloods sullying all of Wizardkind?!"
No. No. No.
'Regulus wouldn't!' she wants to argue, like the many times she had defended him against her closest friends. She never thought she'd ever have to defend him against herself, but nevertheless, her voice falls on deaf ears.
Instead, she finds herself facing the boy her figment had been speaking with.
And despite the familiarity of those gray orbs, she meets the eyes of a stranger, of a Regulus she couldn't even bear to comprehend.
The boy is looking at her like he doesn't know the answer to her question. Like he wasn't sure of which side he'd stand on, dwindling on the edge of morality and self-preservation. He refuses to let go of the latter, because only a fool would do so… Right?
He is not a Gryffindor. He is even farther from a Hufflepuff. He is not noble enough of a person to fight a war that cannot be won, when he can be perfectly fine away from the battle—
And he can't for the life of him, understand why she would have expected anything more from him.
'I'm not a hero nor a saint like you. What do you expect from me?' he wants to tell her, but no words escape him. They simply look into each other's eyes, as if they both knew something that didn't need to be said, until he couldn't bear to face her any longer.
After all, despite the fears they shared, they could never be more different than they already were.
Amaris Leclair stands her ground despite her cowardice, because she has people she loves— people she'll protect even if it means dying in a fight with them.
Regulus Black turns his back away from her. He runs away, leaves her alone in the tower— because beyond everything else, he was a coward.
And like always, his actions were more telling of a truth, compared to anything that could slip past his lips.
.
. . .
.
AMARIS JOLTS AWAKE with a sharp gasp and a tear-stained pillow. Her lungs burn as her heart threatens to leap out of her chest, desperate to escape the cage of her ribs. She heaves deep breaths and attempts to calm herself of the tremors in her body, aftershocks of yet another nightmare.
Despite waking up with sweat trickling down her neck, she feels cold. So cold that she wraps her yellow duvet around her even tighter.
It's just a dream, she tells herself. It's just a dream. It's just a dream.
She buries herself under her covers, and shuts her eyes tight, hoping that sleep could come to her, but to no avail, the nightmare still shakes her up and her fears consume her.
.
In the end, foregoing all her attempts to return to sleep, she reaches for the journal on her nightstand and opts for the only person who would likely be able to grant her a peace of mind. Ironic, given that he had inadvertently been the cause of the lack of it, but she refuses to pin the blame on him.
Instead, she looks back on his offer last night and writes back.
Regulus, can I take you up on meeting tonight, after all?
The Hufflepuff earns no response. Granted, he was probably busy with the party he had already informed her about. But that doesn't stop her from wearing her favorite sweater over her sleepwear, and draping her Hufflepuff robes over her shoulders.
She starts a trek towards the Astronomy Tower in an attempt to meet the boy, even if her efforts would seem to be futile.
.
. . .
.
In Slughorn's office, among the number of students present in the room, Regulus Black was dressed in dark robes that fit and accentuated his form. He acts like a noble and stands like a Renaissance statue, with a stature that elicits a sense of intimidation for some and admiration for many. He observes with watchful eyes and talks with the dexterity of a snake's tongue.
Even among the best, he stands out from the crowd, and to no surprise, people are wary of his presence.
He feels like a prized trophy on display, part of a collection barred by a glass case.
'Well,' he thinks, 'might as well make the most of it.'
.
Freyja Greengrass was his plus one for this stupid party; in other words, his chosen ally. Everyone ought to have one, at least if you were a Slytherin like him. It makes it easier to get a hold of the politics happening in school. And who better to ask than the woman that even the ambitious and cunning regard as Machiavellian?
Together, they lurked by the edge of the room, watching people as they danced at the center of the floor. They pretend to laugh and chat, as they whisper information between each other, weighing the value of each person in the room and how they can be used for the greater scheme of things. It's the basics, after all: to shake hands under the table, to stab each other in the back, to find allies who'd get their hands dirty for you. It's a Slytherin's nature to know the tools at their disposal, and this was not at all unlike the parties they have been forced to attend amidst their childhood.
Perhaps, in a world where the distinction between Muggle-borns and pure-bloods doesn't exist, he would have brought a different girl to this party. And she'd be dragging him towards the crowd, simply to dance among them. They would sway to the music without a care in the world, and he'd look at nothing else but that smile on her face that would rival the sun. With her blonde locks, her yellow robes and the warm light of the chandelier, she'd be bathed in gold, and he'd worship her like a goddess, because Amaris Leclair deserved nothing less.
This, however, was not that kind of world.
And this, of course, was just another part of his life that he refuses to let Muggle-born Hufflepuff Amaris Leclair get acquainted with.
.
From the corner of his eye, Regulus catches a glimpse of Severus Snape comfortably chatting with Lily Evans, the Gryffindor known to be impenetrable to all Slytherin attacks, whether it be harmless jinxes or malicious hexes. He'd commend her for her skill in using counterspells against his fellow housemates, however, the group of four who had always been on her tail like ridiculous guard dogs were so infuriating that he'd rather throw her in with the lot; scorn her for being yet another Gryffindor as insufferable as his brother.
The Marauders —and perhaps, all Lions— will always be the bane of their existence.
Severus, he thought, would have understood that best, and yet here he was, standing close to this Mudblood (Muggle-born, his mind immediately corrects as if Amaris' voice was ingrained in his head to combat the pure-bloods prejudice were made to seep in his veins).
Nonetheless, he sighs, surprised to witness how brave (or foolish) it had been of her to act so friendly with a Snake.
"What's up with them?" he can't resist the urge to ask.
"Snape and Evans?" Freyja Greengrass glances at the same direction he'd been looking, before averting her eyes away in an attempt to maintain discretion. "They're childhood friends."
"Friends, really?" Regulus scoffs at the thought. Their body language spoke volumes; the way Snape's eyes lingered, the way he gave this woman his full attention, bearing his weakness to the world.
"You have eyes," Freyja chuckles, as if to confirm his suspicions. "They're friends in her case… Not so much his."
The woman brings the flute glass to her lips, taking a sip of her drink before going on, "The funny thing is, I hear it drives Potter mad. Not that Evans ever batted an eye at him. I doubt she even considers either of them a romantic candidate."
He perfectly understands the animosity that his fellow housemate held for James Potter; the person Sirius confided in, the person his brother found a home in. It was to be expected, wasn't it? For a brother and a fiancée to feel bitter about losing to some friend. For the two people who'd been by his side since the old days to feel betrayed after being abandoned.
Well, Sirius aside, they currently have more important things to concern themselves with.
.
"Like I said, the Rosier twins are a gamble; they're too close to you, it'll raise suspicions. Rabastan Lestrange is elusive, he keeps his cards too close for me to be able to trust him. Among our options, Severus Snape is our best bet," Freyja cuts his thoughts off, immediately getting down to business. "He could be a valuable ally. Narcissa trusts him, and Lucius respects his skill in Potions. His loyalty is questionable at best, but I have no doubt that he'd do anything he can for Lily Evans. Though, I figured she is a bit wary about him getting into the dark arts."
He's surprised by the amount of intel this woman can always gather. She picks apart people's weaknesses, knows which one to aim for, and before they know it, they're stuck in a convoluted scheme that turns an enemy to a pawn.
Though he trusts her not to threaten him like so, it reminds him to be wary, to make sure that his friendship with a certain Muggle-born never garners this woman's attention.
Severus Snape evidently failed to do so.
That said, when their housemate glances in their direction, and catches them looking, he immediately stirs his friend away in a futile attempt to hide her from their eyes.
"What did you do?" Regulus asks knowingly, turning to the woman beside him as she finishes her drink and sets it on the table.
"Nothing… yet," the Slytherin maiden smirks, a mix of mirth and pride present in her green eyes. "I'm just biding my time, waiting for the day when I can collect his debts… See, Snape already owes me plenty. I just need one more push to tip the scale."
"And then?"
"That's a secret."
He knows her well enough by now to be able to tell that he wouldn't gain any answers from her until the deal is sealed, so he doesn't bother prying. Though, he doesn't try to stop himself from trying to figure it out on his own.
.
Oblivious to it all, Lily Evans sneaks a glance at Freyja Greengrass and discretely waves her hand as if they were old friends. The latter returns the gesture with a curt nod before turning away, the action would almost be unnoticed by an onlooker's eyes.
Regulus averts his attention back to the drink in his hand, though he doesn't fail to express his thoughts, "Gryffindors truly don't possess a sense of fear, do they?"
"They stand to defy the beliefs ingrained among all Slytherins." His fellow Slytherin shrugs helplessly, as if to say 'what can you do?' before calling it a day.
"So you agree she's stupid?"
"I believe she can defend herself with those brains," Freyja says simply as she sneaks yet another glance to look at the pair who had moved across the room. "Though perhaps it does take a certain amount of foolishness to befriend a Snake out in the open at the height of a war."
They can both hear the Gryffindor's joyful laughter from where they were standing. And together they share a deadpan look of helplessness.
"Muggle-borns," Freyja sighs. "They're so naive."
Regulus thinks back to a certain Hufflepuff, recalling the hope that was always present in her eyes. Though he doesn't wish to diminish that, he can't help but agree with his upperclassman's sentiment.
"It's not going to end well for them. Whether it be friendship or something more, like Snape desires," she predicts.
That much, he also knows. But his mind trails back to the thought of him and Amaris, and somewhere deep in his gut, he's aware that the same fate is bound to befall them.
He can't seem to bear the thought of it.
Speaking of the devil— As if he was seeing things from how hard he was thinking, he catches a blur of yellow running past the stained-glass doors.
He tenses from where he stands and sets his glass down, drawn to the figure as if he was already aware of who it could possibly be.
"I'm heading outside for some fresh air," he says hastily before his fellow Slytherin gets the opportunity to respond.
And as soon as Regulus walks past those doors, he looks around the hall, in search of the maiden.
To no avail, Amaris Leclair was nowhere to be found.
.
Regulus sighs to himself and wonders if he was driving himself mad because of a girl. Much less, one he sees almost every night. And yet, when he catches sight of the Fat Friar, failing to hide among the alcoves, he retains hope that she's likely here. Somewhere. Wherever.
He doesn't even have to guess why the ghost was watching over her. She always had a way of drawing people to her. But he is curious about why she has to hide.
Then again, Freyja Greengrass doesn't give him the opportunity to ask.
"Why did you run outside?" the woman's voice catches him off-guard.
When he turns to face her, he can tell she's tempted to cock an eyebrow.
"Nothing," he lies, leaning against the balustrade in an attempt to maintain an air of nonchalance. He even goes as far as to complain, if only to keep her off his back, "This party's just a pain in the arse."
"Hey," she chides him, swatting him lightly with the tip of her folding fan. "What did I say about keeping up appearances?"
"Sorry, Mum," he teases, "This was positively stifling and beyond dreary."
"And yet you dragged me with you," she counters with an eye roll.
He had initially changed the subject in an attempt to fool her, but he can't help but admit his intentions, "Fey, you understand pure-blood politics best. Of course, I had to bring you… Besides, this was also to show that the House of Black and Greengrass Family are getting along just fine. You know, after everything that happened."
"Ah," she sighs, a mocking grin on her lips. "What an exemplary heir. Your mother must be proud."
He scoffs in return, but asks her regardless, "How have you been faring?"
"I wasn't jilted at the altar," she crosses her arms as if to prove it wasn't as bad as he was making it out to be. "I'm fine, Reg. But that's not really what you want to ask, is it?"
"Ugh." This was not the conversation he intended on having in his attempts to distract her.
Freyja motions for him to continue, "Out with it, kid."
"Kid? You're just a year older."
"That's more than a year to you. And they do say respect your elders, so watch it."
They narrow their eyes at each other in a mock-glare.
She's letting him stall despite what she says. In fact it takes more than a beat before he finally admits what's been weighing on his mind.
.
"Have you heard from him?" Regulus eventually asks. The words taste bitter in his mouth, and he still refuses to speak his brother's name. It's petty, but among everyone else, he would think he deserved the right to do so.
"Yes, as anyone would expect, we're on awful terms. Gryffindors are infuriating. They're stubborn and childish. At least, we Snakes can act civil, even if it's just an act," she scowls, but her expression softens slightly as she goes on. "But he's doing better, or so I've heard… Honestly, I would hope so. Otherwise, everything he threw away would be all for naught."
"It took awhile but… I did realize that he's not suited for this world. He'd get himself killed the moment he opens his mouth," the younger Slytherin finds himself agreeing.
Freyja nods in understanding, as if they experienced the same plight, "That man can't lie for his life. I ought to give him a piece of my mind someday."
"I should too…" he mutters under his breath. "Though, first, I have to clean up this mess, get it over with."
"You seemed like you were in a hurry," she reckoned.
"It's better to have it done with, is it not?"
And yet, as observant as ever, she doesn't fail to point out, "No, I meant, tonight."
He decides honesty is the best form of deception he can provide, so he says truthfully and easily, "I'd rather be somewhere else."
The girl in the tower comes to mind.
.
.
.
[ November 1, 1976 ]
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Regulus, can I take you up on meeting tonight, after all?
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
I just saw your message. I'll catch you at the tower. Are you alright?
》Written on Amaris Leclair's journal; addressed to Regulus Black:
Sorry. Don't mind that. I'm actually back in bed. Just had a stupid dream and wanted to see you.
I swear I'm fine though!
I hope you enjoyed your party :)
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Ari, you have a tendency to ramble when you're upset.
Tell me more about it when I see you tomorrow.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
I'm fine, really! Also I might be busy tomorrow. I don't think we can meet each other by then.
》Written on Regulus Black's journal; addressed to Amaris Leclair:
Oh?
.
.
.
PANDORA LESTRANGE NEVER beats around the bush. It's one of the things Amaris loved about her. She can always count on her best friend to tell the truth, no matter how uncalled-for, or how ruthless it can be.
That said, tact wasn't exactly the girl's strong suit.
"You've been jumpy and shifty all day long. You're hiding something, aren't you?" the maiden in question puts her book down, and confronts the Hufflepuff just as the people begin to file into the Great Hall for lunch.
"I'm avoiding Regulus, okay?" Amaris whispers as she shrinks in her seat, fully aware that it was difficult to steer clear of someone in an assembly. Not that she expects Regulus to speak to her in public, but she doesn't have the guts to meet his eyes across the room.
Pandora glances at the Slytherin table and immediately whips her wand out, ready to strike in retaliation, "What did he do? Should I hex him?"
"He didn't do anything!" The Hufflepuff immediately comes to his defense, but not even a second later, her expression falters as she picks on her food, "I just… I'm following Mary's advice, okay? She was right… I-I ought to move on. The quicker, the better."
"I beg to differ. You should go about this at your own pace and think about it for yourself," Pandora settles down, but she snorts at the mention of their mutual friend. "Besides, Mary's hardly ever right. You should keep that in mind. Especially since you have too much faith in those three idiots. Gryffindors have a bad habit of thinking with their hearts."
'Although, Hufflepuffs are no different,' goes unsaid.
"But, Dora," the other girl whines. "At this rate, I'll be a terrible friend… And— And I feel like I have ulterior motives for hanging around him. And I don't like this, I feel like crap."
"Would you feed him a love potion?" the Ravenclaw asks out of the blue, raising an accusatory eyebrow at the girl in front of her.
"Of course not!" The Hufflepuff looks at her incredulously.
"See," Pandora points her fork at her, nonplussed. "Amaris, you have feelings, not ulterior motives. Trust me, it's not the end of the world."
"But—"
"Mary's way was the coward's way out," the maiden cuts her off. "Ironic, given she's a Gryffindor. But whoever she's been pinning for—"
Amaris is distracted by that one particular detail, "Wait, you also don't know who?"
"Why would I?"
"I thought you of all people would have figured it out by now. You know everything!" Amaris exclaimed in shock.
"Not everything …" Pandora sighs. "I just don't like not knowing."
"Exactly. And you don't know."
.
"We're digressing," the dark-haired maiden huffed, unamused. "My point is: it's killing Mary to take the coward's route out. I don't want the same for you, too."
Amaris smiles wryly and insists stubbornly, "I don't know about her but, I'm perfectly fine with the coward's route out."
"Are you sure about that?" the Ravenclaw counters, "Mary's way completely ignores the party at the receiving end of such cold treatment. It means cutting someone out of your life, without a guarantee that you can return to them and be a friend. Will you be able to stand that, even if it means hurting the person who's unaware of your feelings with the sudden distance you're placing between you? Even if it means painting them as a villain because they broke your heart without even knowing what they've done wrong? Even if—"
"Stop. I… I get it," the blonde maiden grumbled in defeat, "I hate you."
"Heh, you're too soft, like always. You can't stand the thought of upsetting anyone but yourself, can you?" Pandora smirks smugly, knowing she's won this one.
"Mhmph mhm khmph hrmp hrmlhm," she hides her face in her hands, and mumbles something completely incoherent, but Pandora knows her better than that by now.
'But I can't like Regulus,' she tried to say.
"Uh-huh," Pandora nods in agreement. "Tell me something new."
"Family circumstances aside, he's way too out of my league," Amaris mutters under her breath. She looks lost and forlorn, and Pandora loathes the fact that Regulus Black happened to be the cause of that look on her best friend's face.
The pure-blood looks almost scandalized by the thought, "What?"
.
Amaris recalls the Samhain party. The way she snuck past the sixth floor corridor just to catch a glimpse of a boy. She remembers the smile on his face, the way he looks nothing like that around her. The way he can easily charm anyone in the room, because the truth of the matter was—
Regulus Black was bloody brilliant.
He's the Quidditch team's seeker, a prefect, a Slug Club Member; well-respected and adored by many. He's the fucking golden child. There's isn't anything that boy can't do and she certainly can't hold a candle to him.
And seeing him in that crowded room reminds her of how they've always been worlds apart. How she has barely scratched the surface of the enigma that was Regulus Black— a noble amongst nobles, a talent among the ambitious and proud Snakes.
It reminded her of her nightmare, of the glaring distance between them, and her inability to comprehend his background because of all her shortcomings.
And so, she hid upon instinct, even when he chased after the shadow of her figure.
.
Pandora snaps her out of her thoughts with an angry growl. "What do you mean he's out of your league? Did he say that to you?"
'If anything, you've always been too good for him,' the Ravenclaw wanted to shout, but that would have certainly caught the attention of everyone else at their table.
"No, no," Amaris assures her. "I just thought about it and it dawned on me that his normal is completely different from mine. He's too perfect, and… And I'm just me."
Pandora looked like she was about to raise hell but she doesn't speak just yet, formulating the right words in her head to interrupt her best friend's spiral of self-deprecation.
"Plus, we're not like you and Xenophilius," the Hufflepuff lowers her gaze, "You guys understand each other like the back of your hand. We're just too different. Sometimes it's like I don't even know him."
"Sometimes the joy is not in knowing about something, but in the pursuit of that knowledge," Pandora finally interrupts. "It's not about how well you know someone, but rather, what other things you can learn about them."
Amaris takes a moment to contemplate her words but before they actually sink in, the maiden goes on.
"That's what I have to say to you as a Ravenclaw," she declared, before pinching her best-friend's arm. "As your dear friend, on the other hand, I'd have to say I hate that part about you."
The blue-eyed girl winces.
"You're so blind to what we see in you —always putting yourself down— but, guess what?" the Ravenclaw crosses her arms over her chest. "Amaris, you are bloody amazing and anyone would be lucky to have you by their side."
Amaris gives her a soft smile, "…I'm luckier to have you."
"You're not getting out of this with flattery," Pandora harrumphed in an attempt to overcome her own bashfulness.
Though that was clearly not her intention, the other girl takes it as a sign to keep quiet and just listen.
"Look, I don't want to say it and I especially don't want you getting involved in something dangerous…" she trailed on. "But beyond getting hurt, you can also have something amazing that only a few people have."
"If it's worth it, you work hard for it," the Ravenclaw reminded. "Shouldn't that be a Hufflepuff's way of thinking rather than taking the easy way out?"
THE NEXT TIME Amaris Leclair meets Regulus Black in the tower, she musters the courage to ask, in her attempts to better understand him.
"Reg?"
"Hm?"
"You've always talked about the duties you carry but…" she trailed on nervously, hoping she wasn't overstepping any boundaries. "Why are you doing this much for your family?"
The moment Regulus opens his mouth to speak, Amaris feels a sense of dread fill her gut.
"I-I mean!" she stammers, "I'm only saying so because you've always complained about your parents and— And there's that thing with your brother… I just don't know why you have to be the one carrying the burden and I just thought that it isn't fair to you—"
He cuts her off, fully aware of her habit of overcompensating. "You don't have to explain, I know you're coming from a place of good intentions."
In truth, his chest swells at the thought of how much a person could genuinely care about him. (Leave it to her to seek justice on his behalf.) But at the same time, a part of him knows that she will never be able to fully understand where he's coming from.
"It's because I don't know who I'd be otherwise," the Slytherin admits begrudgingly, gazing upon the stars and recalling his mother's usual tirade. "Regulus Black is supposed to be the golden child, the promising son. 'Honor your family.' 'Uphold tradition.' 'Make us proud.' 'Don't fail us like your brother did.' They've been telling me that all my life. It became difficult not to live by it."
He heaves a deep sigh. "When Sirius left, it only got worse as I became the last son of Black capable of carrying on the family line."
'I despise it,' he yearns to tell her. 'But I am nothing without this.'
Without the chains that keep him tied to his house. Without the blood in his veins that keeps him bound to the roots of his family tree. Without the crippling expectations and the need to fulfill the words that only serve to tether him until he drowns in murky waters.
"That's not true," Amaris protests, face scrunched up as if she couldn't bear the thought. "When I saw you the other night, it got me thinking, you see… And I may not know much about Regulus Black, but I know you —I know Regulus— and there's so much more to you than just your family name."
"I knew I saw you the other night night," a sly smirk forms on his lips as he confirms his suspicions. "Was that why you've been hiding from me? Were you spying?"
"Of course not!" she defended. "I just wanted to see you, but when I did, I came to the realization that you act very differently when you're around me and… Er— Long story short, I was worried for nothing."
Somehow he doubts that's the extent of it, so he offers, "For what it's worth, I'm a lot more genuine around you."
But the maiden only shakes her head, as she elaborated, "That's not it… It's just… It never truly dawned on me that we're very different people until then. Superficially, I already knew that but the dread only sunk in that night."
"So you were worried, about our differences?" he repeats.
"And I was worried it would get in the way of our friendship," she shrinks in on herself, "I mean clearly, it's silly to worry when we've been friends for this long but— Sometimes, when I see you with your friends, I feel kind of lonely."
"Amaris—"
"It's not that I want you all to myself," she justifies. "It's just… It felt like I was watching a different side of you I would never get to know."
"It's not what you think," he assures her. "I act differently around you but it's not necessarily a bad thing."
"I know," she purses her lips to give him a warm smile. "Just being here with you makes me happy. I mean, the Astronomy Tower is like our own secret hideout, isn't it? I'm glad I took the leap and talked to you back then. I would have regretted it, had we not gotten the chance."
"It's not completely unfounded for you to have your doubts, either," Regulus tells her. "I've always known we were very different people. It's glaringly obvious, don't you think?"
She nods, but the boy continues before she gets a chance to speak.
"But I also don't think we would've had the same dynamic in our relationship had the circumstances been different," the Slytherin pointed out, gray eyes boring into hers.
Amaris looked at him, bemused.
"The people I tend to surround myself with expect the worst in others and demand the best from us. It's a world of use or be used. And that's exactly why it's always been difficult to trust them," he says with a hollowness in his voice, that makes her remember that night she found him by the lake. She wants to pull him into an embrace as if it were an instinct to protect.
"But you have this kind of faith in humanity," Regulus tells her. "You believe in good will and change; that people are capable of things they never believed were possible."
There's a difference between belief and demand, you see. And all his life, people only knew how to ask more and more of him.
Amaris Leclair never had to.
"You don't have to change anything about you," he finished. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be as you are right now."
.
He expected her to chime in anytime now, to look scandalized by the way pure-bloods treated their kin as if she wouldn't believe such cruelty existed in real life. She'd spout words that were not formed merely through pity, but a genuine concern for him as if she could feel the pain in his plight. With her hope came naivety, a desire for the impossible kind of goodness that could never exist in reality, but he wouldn't have her any other way. That's just how it was to be an incarnation of light, unblemished and untainted by darkness.
The boy, however, is thoroughly unprepared to see the tears brim at the corner of her eyes.
There's a lodge stuck in her throat and an ache in her chest that probably began when he started to utter such words. She wishes he could see the good she sees in him, wishes that he knows it's not just her baseless confidence, that it's far from a fantasy. She wishes she's at least capable of conveying them, and telling him that he's wrong and that she sees what's there for what it was.
But words were never her strong suit.
Instead, she holds back a sob.
"Ari…" Regulus lets out a breath, and holds his hand up to reach out towards her; a gesture intended to wipe away oncoming tears.
She takes his hand, if only to move it away from her face and assure him, "I'm alright, really!"
"You're a terrible liar, remember?" he lets out a soft laugh as he tells her the same words he had always reminded her of.
Instead of allowing him to dote on her, the Hufflepuff interrupts him, sincerely promising, "I'm going to be a better friend."
Her desire to show him how much he's actually loved, is what prompts her to make the resolution.
Unrequited feelings be damned, Regulus was bigger than such trivial things.
His happiness was first priority, and knowing how much support he lacked, she aimed to make up for everyone who had taken him for granted.
Her grip on his hand tightens as she brushes her tears away to look him straight in the eye with those dazzling blue orbs.
"I swear, I'm going to be a better friend and I'm going to spoil you rotten because you deserve so much more than what the world has to offer," Amaris sniffed.
To which, Regulus chuckles, a touch of mirth present in his eyes. "That's completely unnecessary."
'You're already the best there is,' he fails to say.