The Girl Who Shouted I At The Heart Of The World

by A.F. Oliver

Few get a second chance at living, let alone two or three. Rei Ayanami never knew what to do with the lives she had until it was too late. Getting another chance at living could mean a world of difference. After all, life is an ever changing thing and even the smallest of changes can reverberate across the world.

61. Honeymoon With Anxiety

Chapter 61 – Honeymoon With Anxiety

If the loud creaking sound of the heavy steel door opening hadn't shaken him back into consciousness the bright white light that flooded the previously pitch dark room certainly did. Kaji grimaced and curled away from the blinding light stabbing at his eyes though doing so was difficult considering he'd spent the last... whoever knew how long with his hands bound behind his back. Whether it had been a week or a month he had no idea, but at least this was a change. Ever since he'd been thrown in the cell with Fujita he'd been in total darkness, unable to see, barely able to move, hands bound, without food, and with nothing for company other than his fellow spy's incessant complaints...

"Wake up, you bastard!" a voice sounded in the cell followed by a percussive thud and a pained yelp.

"Damn!" Fujita groaned in pain and frustration. "Why did you have to kick me instead of this scruffy fuck!?"

Kaji had no time to snicker at his his fellow agent's comment before he was violently yanked to his feet by his elbow, causing him to yelp in pain in turn. The pain was excruciating but he complied quickly enough that his shoulder remained seated in its socket properly. "Because this one doesn't have your fucking mouth!" the guard barked. "Now both of you get up! You're being moved!"

Kaji strained to force himself to his feet. The time he'd spent in the dark with minimal food and water, coming only in the form of force feedings, he was feeling very weak. "May I inquire as to where we're being transferred?" he asked.

The guard smacked him in the back with the truncheon in his hand, nearly knocking him over. "Move!" the guard barked.

Kaji felt it best to comply without another word. Amazingly, Fujita seemed to share his sentiment considering he also kept his mouth shut as they were marched down the cell block. Either way, he was grateful that he did. In his weakened state he wasn't sure he could stomach or stand a beating...

The guard moved them through the hall, prodding them with his truncheon the entire time, until they reached the end of the cell block. In front of them was a room with three chairs and a table. Swiftly, the guard shoved them inside and forced them to sit down. "Wait here," he said before moving to exit the room.

"As if we have a choice..." Fujita grumbled.

The guard immediately stepped back into the room and smacked the DIH agent in the head with his baton before exiting, slamming the door behind him.

"Fuck... do they really have to be so rough?" Fujita groaned.

Kaji scowled. "If you didn't provoke them every chance you get you'd be better off..." he grumbled.

"Fuck them!" Fujita hissed through his teeth, still wincing from the pain of the latest blow he'd been dealt. "They can tongue punch my dirt star, the bastards! If they knew why we did what we did they'd get it..."

"And if you keep mouthing off they'll shoot you before you can get to tell them, so shut the fuck up!" Kaji snapped back, glaring at him. "We both knew what we were getting into..."

"Yeah we did..." Fujita groaned. "And at this point I'll take a bullet over these cocksuckers starving us to death... Goddammit, I didn't even get my fucking date..."

Kaji sighed and shook his head. "We're locked up in a light-less hole for heaven knows how long and that's what's on your mind, getting laid?" he huffed. "Get your priorities straight, Tetsuo..."

Fujita snarled impotently. "Eat shit and die..." he grumbled under his breath.

"Yes, fuck you..." Kaji snapped back.

A moment of silence passed between them before Fujita started laughing quietly. Kaji couldn't help but join in. It really was quite a humorous exchange between the two of them. The only real pleasure left to them in their current situation was insulting one another for the sake of gleaning a little levity in the midst of their misery.

It was at that moment that the door to the room they'd been moved to opened. In stepped two younger men in suits and glasses followed by an older, short, squat man with a toad-like face who was completely bald, also wearing glasses and suit. One of the younger men shut the door and drew a handgun, holding it at his side with a scowl while the older man folded his hands across his chest. Though the glasses obscured his eyes, Kaji could tell he was studying them intently.

"Well if you're here to shoot us then get on with it," Fujita spat. "I could use a good sleep."

The bald man between the two thugs took off his glasses and grabbed the third chair in the room. He smirked, a grin a bit too wide for his face. "Why would I do that, Fujita-kun?" he replied airily. "You and Kaji gave us the intelligence coup of the century after all..."

Kaji faintly recognized this man. He could have sworn he'd seen him before at least once... "Then what do you want?" he dared to ask. "Who are you?"

The toad-like man chuckled. "Don't you recognize the deputy director or the agency you work for, Agent Kaji?" he scoffed. "I ought to have you shot just for that..."

Kaji's lips parted in shock. Of course, how could he not recognize him... "Director Nagumo?" he croaked out in surprise.

The man sitting across from him smirked. "Ah, so it seems you do recognize me, Ryouji Kaji," he stated calmly. "By the way, that was some stunt you and this ruffian pulled. You've got some real balls, kid..."

"So are you just gonna sit here and taunt us about it or is there something you want?" Fujita snapped. "If not, then just shoot us and be on your way."

Nagumo laughed. "If I wanted you dead you'd be dead already," he replied, his grin never wavering. "Besides, Minister Katsumoto has implored me not to act as your judge, or jury, or your executioner... not that I'd want to. I actually respect your dedication to duty outside the usual channels if I'm speaking frankly..."

Kaji nodded, letting those words sink in. He breathed a nervous sigh, unsure of what to make of his current situation. "So... what is it that you want with us?" he asked. "Why would you bother coming down here, wherever we are, and speaking with a pair of terrorists, sir?"

Nagumo snickered. "Terrorists?" he scoffed. "No, more like a pair of men who had the balls to do what was necessary in the midst of wide spread ignorance. I think it's obvious to anyone who's seen the guts of the intelligence agencies that sometimes... drastic action is necessary."

"That's not for a man like me to determine, sir," Kaji replied softly.

"Indeed," Nagumo returned coolly. "Lest you end up in a hole like this..."

"Are you going to get to the fucking point or what?" Fujita snapped. "This fucking theater gets boring for a, in your words, ruffian like me!"

Nagumo breathed a sigh and wiped at his brow before speaking. "The intelligence you've provided has proven truthful," he replied. "Your actions when you stormed the Ministry of Defense may well have saved the world as we know it."

"No shit!" Fujita spat. "Tell us something we don't know!"

The man holding a pistol in his hand raised it, leveling it at Fujita's face. Nagumo raised his hand, causing the man to lower the gun before he spoke again. "Your actions in the ministry of defense building are being... revised as we speak," he stated. "Your names shall remain confidential and the incident itself will only be known as a minor breach of security followed by an immediate arrest. The gunfight element of the incident never occurred."

Kaji's eyes narrowed. This could go only one of two ways; either they were going to be disappeared by the state or they were going to receive a pardon. "What does that mean for us?" he asked.

Nagumo's grin widened. "The good news for your boys is that you'll be free to go..." he stated calmly. "However, your actions will be monitored for the rest of your natural lives and you'll be barred from employment by every intelligence agency belonging to any U.N. nation."

Kaji breathed a heavy sigh. He should have expected as much. It would certainly be a career change but... he supposed he could put his investigative skills to use as a private detective of some kind. Either way, it would make employment as a civilian rather difficult. He knew one thing and knew it well but being a spy doesn't translate well to most forms of employment. "Understood..." he muttered, looking down at his knees.

"Now that's hardly fair!" Fujita protested.

Kaji glared at him. Of course he would have something to say about the decision. "Will you shut up!" he hissed. "We're lucky to even get this deal. It's not great but it beats prison. Have some gratitude!"

He glanced at him with a bitter scowl. "No, Ryouji, I will not shut up, you shouldn't roll over and take this!" Fujita spat, before glaring at Nagumo once again. "What we did is the only reason your dumb ass is even alive right now and I'm sick of getting pushed around by bureaucrats like you! Fuck your deal! If you're so set on burying the truth and covering your ass, I'll take a bullet!"

The man holding his pistol yet again raised it up, stepping closer to Fujita, leveling it at his head. Nagumo stared at the DIH agent intently. A few seconds passed as a smirk worked its way across his face and then he began to laugh. "I can see why Colonel Shikishima has such a liking for you," he stated quietly. "Despite being an up-jumped street thug, you've got quite the moral compass."

Fujita scoffed and looked away. "I've never heard that one before..." he grumbled.

Kaji allowed himself a smirk. "Please, don't encourage him..." he muttered.

Nagumo leaned forward and braced his elbows on the table, linking his fingers together, resting his chin atop his hands. "Well then..." he drawled, his smirk growing even wider. "Perhaps I can offer you another deal. Searching through NERV's records has revealed quite a lot about this mysterious SEELE group, including the probable locations of many high ranking members..."

Kaji nodded, letting those words sink in. "Go on..." he prodded.

Nagumo's eyes narrowed. "Interpol is already taking strides to arrest members of their organization, including their head, this Keel Lorenz... however, the Japanese Government believes that, since their plans involved assets within its jurisdiction, they should have the privilege of bringing him to justice..."

"How does that alter the deal for us?" Fujita scoffed.

Kaji immediately picked up on what Nagumo was alluding to. The prospect had him positively thrilled though he didn't show it. Perhaps he could finally answer the burning question as to why SEELE had undertaken the actions they had... "So you want the two of us to be the executors of that mission?" he asked.

Nagumo nodded. "Precisely," he responded. "Your talents in the field will be a valuable asset to the task force being assembled to accomplish that end..."

"Great..." Fujita grumbled. "Going from one suicide mission to another... fucking dandy..."

Kaji glanced at him with a raised brow. "Didn't you just say you'd prefer a bullet?" he inquired, exasperated with him.

"Ever play poker?" Fujita retorted. "It's called a bluff..."

"Enough of your childish bantering," Nagumo snapped, his expression turning deadly serious, bringing them both back to the subject at hand. "Will you take this offer or shall I send you back to the hole for the rest of your lives in response to your petulant antics?"

Fujita sighed and shifted in his seat. "Well when you put it like that it almost sounds like a good deal..." he responded. "I'm in... so long as I can keep my career path in the DIH. It's all I know, and I'd prefer not go back to the street life..."

The man with the gun once again lowered it and Nagumo breathed a sigh. "Perhaps I can call in some favors with your organization... pending you're successful," he replied.

"And what will become of me in the aftermath, should we be successful in apprehending Keel?" Kaji inquired. "Will I retain my field agent status?"

Nagumo nodded. "Yes," he replied. "Once your new mission is complete that is... though I think you'll have earned yourself a long vacation. I'd imagine that NERV's commander of field operations will be very happy to see you again..."

Kaji's stomach lurched and his eyes went wide. His superiors knew about him and Misato? "Wh- what?" he stammered. "How do you-"

"I'm in the intelligence business, Kaji-san," Nagumo responded, cutting him off. "It's my job to know things..."

Kaji let those words sink in. Of course they would know something like that, spy agencies spy on themselves perhaps more than anyone else. However... the statement sparked his curiosity. "Wait... so..." he spoke nervously. "Did you know about what could happen regarding SEELE before Fujita and I-"

Once again, Nagumo cut him off, his his face once again morphing into a grimly serious expression. "There was suspicion, but not enough information to act on," he responded. "Every so often we make the wrong call. Thankfully there are some who exist who aren't afraid to act outside the system, hence why we're all here..."

Kaji sat there, letting that statement resonate. "Understood..." he responded.

Nagumo stood from his seat. "Very well. You gentlemen will be released shortly. Once you're released you'll receive a message on where to report to," he replied before turning to the two silent men standing guard. "See to it that the guards release them from their bonds."

"Yes sir," the two men responded in unison before swiftly exiting the room.

Nagumo moved toward the doorway, pausing at it and glancing back at him and Fujita over his shoulder. "Welcome to the endgame, gentlemen..." he stated before stepping out into the hall and away...

Silence fell in the tiny interaction room. A few moments passed before Fujita spoke up. "I suppose that went as well as it could have..." he muttered.

Kaji scowled, looking down at his feet. The prospect of getting a shot at confronting the man who'd set the world down the dark path it had headed on for the last fifteen years stirred so many different emotions within him. If they were successful then he could finally learn the truth behind why things were as they were, why he'd suffered, and why his brother and friends had died. He couldn't help but wonder if there was some sort of noble goal there or if it was just the naked ambition of insane men. If he knew people, and he felt that he did, it was probably the latter... "I suppose so..." he murmured in reply.

---

Shinji sat in the kitchen of the apartment he shared with Misato, a cup of coffee on the table in front of him. He was awake before she was, sitting alone with his thoughts. The conversation he'd had with Misato from the previous night kept playing over and over in his mind. He kept kicking himself for agreeing to going to NERV. The more he thought about going the less he wanted to go. Facing Rei and now Touji was such a daunting task. He couldn't believe he'd allowed himself to actually agree to go...

What was he going to say to them when he got there and actually saw them? What would Touji say to him? Would he blame him for what he'd had to do? Would he hate him? If he did then it was completely justified. Then again, as surprising as Touji being awake was, that still was far less of a daunting thing than visiting Rei...

His emotions and thoughts in regards to her were all over the place. On the one hand he wanted to apologize to her, to tell her that he was sorry for what he'd said to her and beg her to forgive him for how heartless he'd been. On the other he was still angry at her for keeping so many secrets from him for so long and he wanted to absolutely lay into her for it. If she'd just told him about everything, been honest with him and Asuka and everyone else, then maybe, just maybe his father might still be alive. It was such a horrible debate raging in his mind...

He winced and stared into steaming black void of his still coffee cup. Thinking about his father hurt. Even now, five days later, those final words his father shared with him rang in his mind. What did it mean to actually have hope again? What was his answer for why things had happened to him or what his life had meant so far? Why had all of the horrible things he'd suffered happened to him and did it actually mean something?

These were questions he didn't feel comfortable answering... and that hurt. Knowing his father wasn't around to help him answer all of the burning questions he had really fucking hurt...

"Shinji..."

He turned his head toward the living room and found Misato standing there, dressed in her uniform, regarding him with a sympathetic expression. His frown deepened. "Hey, Misato-san..." he murmured, looking back into his coffee up.

There was a nervous, hushed, uncomfortable pause before she spoke again. "Are you ready to go to NERV?" she asked.

Shinji grimaced. "No... but I'll go anyway..." he replied quietly and bitterly. He couldn't hide from it forever. He might as well just get it over with. He was certain to suffer in some way regardless of what happened...

"I know it's hard but you'll feel better afterwards..." Misato returned softly.

He didn't believe her, and something in her tone of voice suggested she herself wasn't even that confident in her own statement. "I probably won't..." he muttered, staring into his coffee cup. "But it is what it is."

Misato stepped over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked.

He tensed and shrugged his shoulder, his pain turning to anger in an instant. The fact that she had the audacity to ask such a pointless question was fucking infuriating. "Can you turn back everything that happened?" he spat. "Can you make it so all the shit that happened to me didn't? Can you bring my father back? No! No you can't, so don't even bother asking..."

"Shinji, I... I care about you..." she murmured.

He pounded the rest of his coffee and stood up, turning his back to her fully, his mind swirling in self loathing and anger. What did care ever matter? When did affection or love or friendship ever matter? He was better just shutting himself off to everyone. If Touji hated him, if Rei hated him, then so what. He probably deserved it, and if not then what did it matter? Besides, it wasn't like she'd ever really been there for him. She barely taken any notice to how fucking low he'd felt even before the battle... "So what..." he growled under his breath. "Rei said the same thing and she just kept secrets from me. I don't care if you care. I just want to get this over with. I'd rather deal with it alone..."

"I'm... I'm sorry Shinji..." Misato croaked out just above a whisper.

Shinji once again grimaced. Perhaps he'd been too blunt with her. Yet again his words were hurting someone else, someone he cared for. He really was the lowest of the low... "It's fine..." he muttered. "Let's just go..."

"O- okay..." Misato stammered quietly.

Shinji breathed a heavy sigh and moved toward the front hallway, stooping down and pulling on his shoes. Immediately afterward he slipped on a green winter jacket that was far too large for his frame. Misato had acquired it for him, somehow, from NERV's inventory. Probably it had something to do with the Eva's cryogenic components but he didn't want to ask. Either way, it would help to brave the cold that had descended on Japan. "I'm ready..." he grumbled softly, throwing the hood up over his head. "Let's do this..."

Misato stepped up beside him, pulling on the black wool greatcoat she rarely wore when representing NERV, opening the door via the switch, causing a gust of snowy wind to blast into the hall. "Okay..." she replied quietly. "Let's go..."

After that, the two of them stepped off into the cold and the wind of the dark morning...

---

Ryuji Nakajima sat within the geofront atop an APC with a cup of coffee in his hands, shivering in the morning's chill. The view of the snow covered landscape that only a few days ago he'd nearly lost his life amid was eerily calming. All around him it was nearly silent. Even the sounds of other soldiers trudging through the knee high snow in the little encampment his regiment had set up were muffled. No one was speaking, at least as far as he could tell from his vantage point. No one needed to. Every man present was processing the events of four days prior in their own way...

He took a sip and glanced around, his eyes drifting over the trees, the destroyed equipment, at the gray and petrified remains of the white Evangelion things which had come from the sky... He couldn't help but wonder how Sergeant Saito and Masaki were faring right now. He knew that Saito had been sent to a field hospital somewhere on the surface but Masaki was still being treated by NERV staff. He wondered if they were doing alright, especially Masaki, him being his closest friend after all. He wondered if they were treating him properly or if they'd simply let him bleed to death for what the JSSDF had done to them unprovoked...

"Hey, kid, mind if I sit with you?" a voice called to him from behind and below.

Nakajima turned around to find Furukawa standing beside the armored vehicle, holding a cup of coffee of his own. He said nothing, just nodded in response.

Furukawa clambered up and sat down beside him with a groan before lighting a cigarette. "How're ya feeling?" he asked.

Nakajima's scowl intensified. "Give me one of those cigarettes..." he muttered in response.

Furukawa said nothing and handed him one, being generous enough to light it with his zippo lighter for him. Nakajima took a puff and let it out slowly. He still felt disgusted with himself that he liked these carcinogenic shit sticks so much but they certainly helped to calm the nerves and clear the mind...

"You're taking it fucked up, aren't you?" Furukawa spoke out quietly.

It was more of a statement than a question, and one that hit the nail on the head. "Yeah..." he murmured in reply. "I am, in fact, taking all of this kinda fucked up..."

Furukawa sipped his coffee and sighed. "I suppose it can't be helped," he replied. "By the way, how old are you, kid?"

"Twenty one," Nakajima responded.

"I would have guessed as much. I'm not that much older than you at twenty seven but it does make a difference, kid," Furukawa replied, taking a puff of his cigarette.

Nakajima sighed and glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "What's your point?" he huffed. "And stop calling me kid..."

"The point is, kid, you don't remember much of the shit that happened fifteen years ago. You were too young..." Furukawa responded, staring off into the distance with a far away expression.

"I remember it plenty," Nakajima protested. "I remember the ruins and the rubble, the breadlines, the-"

"Yeah, you remember those things," Furukawa cut him off. "You don't remember the death and the dying nearly as much. You were too young to remember what it was really like in those few years of anarchy. I'd say this is a cake walk compared to that..."

"So what?" Nakajima hissed. "What does that have to do with right now?"

Furukawa sighed and sipped at his coffee. "The point is that the times I vividly remember fucked me up too," he stated quietly. "But it gets easier with time. Eventually it doesn't bother you as much. Just... deal with it in whatever way you need to."

Nakajima let his kind words sink in. "This is helping..." he replied, waving around the cigarette between his fingers around before taking another puff.

"It can," Furukawa returned quietly. "But it's no substitute for actually dealing with whatever it is that's on your mind... so spill it, kid. What's on your mind?"

Nakajima had never really talked to Furukawa much before the events of the battle but it was strange just how easily he seemed to be able to read him. Then again, they were in the same unit, so that shouldn't come as a surprise. When you spend months of your life living around someone, even someone you barely talk to, you can get to reading their habits. "I'm worried about Saito and Masaki," he admitted quietly.

Furukawa chuckled softly. "Saito, he'll be fine, the old, stubborn goat that he is," he responded. "And you know you can just go see Masaki, wherever he is."

Nakajima glanced over at him, confused. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Furukawa snickered. "You haven't been paying attention, huh?" he responded. "We've taken supervision over NERV, though they're still doing whatever the hell they do. You can get a day pass and go see him."

Nakajima found the news a bit surprising considering how brutal the fighting had been. Perhaps he really hadn't been paying attention to things going on around him. The prospect of getting to visit his friend was an enticing one but... he worried about if he'd even be alive at all. He was already barely keeping his shit together. If he was to lose someone who he considered a brother he worried he might completely crack... "I'm not sure I'm ready to do that..." he muttered.

"Well, what do you have to lose?" Furukawa asked, taking a sip of coffee and a puff off his cigarette.

Nakajima frowned and gazed down into his coffee cup, puffing on his own smoke. "I don't even know if he's alive or not..." he muttered quietly. "If he's not, then... I don't know..."

Furukawa took a drag off his cigarette before flicking it away into the snow and putting his arm around him. "Kid, whether he is or he isn't, you'll find out anyway eventually," he replied warmly. "It's best not to worry about such things and just face them. You'll have to come to terms with all of this sooner or later. It's stupid to put it off."

Nakajima let those words settle, thinking on them intently as he puffed on the cigarette Furukawa had given him. He was right. If he just sat around with his thumb up his ass nothing good would ever come of it. No matter what, he had to fully face the reality of things around him and accept them for what they were. He flicked the half finished cigarette and stood up. "Thanks, Furukawa," he replied, adjusting the rifle on his back before jumping down off the APC.

"You'll do fine, kid," Furukawa returned. "Good luck to you now..."

Nakajima set off toward his unit's command center. Though he didn't look back he forced a smile if only for himself. He would take Furukawa's advice to whatever end...

---

Rei sat on the edge of her hospital bed, fidgeting with the ends of her medical gown. The stitches on her back itched and she dared not scratch them for fear of ripping them open but that was the least of her concerns. Ever since Ritsuko had left her alone she'd been consumed with thoughts and anxieties, the biggest of which was that neither Shinji or Commander Ikari had come to visit her since she'd awoken...

Perhaps it was the loneliness of the room or the memory of what he'd said to her before the events of the battle but she was worried. She worried that he'd never actually come to visit her or that if he did he'd still repudiate her. She knew deep down that was probably an irrational thought considering how he'd looked at her when they'd disembarked from Unit 01's entry plug but she couldn't shake it no matter how much she thought on it. Even though she'd come to the conclusion that her devotion to him was a bit unhealthy thanks to... whatever had happened when she'd merged with Lilith for a second time, she still didn't want to lose him. Even though she knew she had to be able to stand on her own two feet and live her life independent of him the idea of losing him was still a depressing and fearful prospect, one she feared to face.

Compounding this was the matter of Commander Ikari. She knew, upon deeper analysis of his last conversation with her, that he actually did care for her in a familiar way. With that in mind, he should have come to see her by now. Even now, with her feelings for him conflicted as ever, somewhere between respect, hate, and familial love, she felt abandoned that he hadn't. Even now, after everything he'd done, even if half of those things weren't this timeline's Commander Ikari, she still wanted the meager comfort his minimal soothing words provided. Remembering how he'd come to see her after Asuka attacked her she could surmise that the only reason he hadn't come to visit her was if he was hurt or worse...

Asuka... even thinking about her made her shiver. Facing her after her inaction and her secrecy had caused Nagisa's death was daunting, perhaps more than anything else. She doubted that there was anything she could say or do that could ease her pain or earn her forgiveness. It hurt knowing that her relationship with her redheaded friend would never be the same, that perhaps they would no longer be friends... but she had to accept that. She couldn't change the past. All she could do was work toward a better future, though that was easier said than done.

The same dilemmas of inaction versus action still raged in her mind but her recent spiritual journey informed her that action was the right choice... but that didn't make it easy. The irony was palpable.

"Hey, Rei..." a voice called from the door. "How are you feeling?"

Rei looked to the doorway and found Ritsuko standing there with a nervous smile. She grinned in response. She'd truly come to cherish the moments they got to spend together. The fact that she seemed not to hold her actions against her made her value their friendship more than ever. "Hello, Ritsuko-san," she replied. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Ritsuko replied with a warm smile, crossing into the room and sitting beside her on the bed, placing a warm hand on her shoulder. "But I asked you first, right?"

Rei looked down at her knees and dug her fingers tighter into the ends of the medical gown she wore. "I'm okay, the pain isn't as bad as it was..." she returned quietly. "But I'm... anxious."

Ritsuko gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "About what?" she asked.

Rei bit her lip and shrunk into herself, her brow knitting up as she searched for words to articulate her emotions. "I'm... worried about what comes next," she croaked out barely above a whisper.

"How so?" Ritsuko asked.

Rei fidgeted once again, wincing as he trembling made the wounds on her back sting. "I'm... nervous about facing everyone again," she replied. "I'm worried that they haven't come to visit me yet... though I wouldn't blame them if they hated me..."

Ritsuko leaned in and rested her head atop hers. "Rei, it will be okay..." she murmured. "They're just dealing with a lot too..."

She pulled away and regarded the faux blonde with a pensive frown. It was understandable for Shinji and Asuka but it didn't explain the commander's absence... "Then why has Commander Ikari failed to come visit me?" she asked.

Ritsuko's expression became decidedly somber and she looked down at her knees. "I'm sorry, Rei..." she murmured softly. "I'm so sorry..."

Rei's breath caught in her throat. She had no idea what she was going to say but she knew that whatever it was it wasn't good news. "Wh- what is it?" she stammered.

Ritsuko bowed her head with a deep frown. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before..." she murmured, looking down at her knees. "I only didn't because I didn't want to stress you out..."

Rei's stomach churned. The hesitation in Ritsuko's voice was making her feel anxious to the point of nausea. "What is it?" she repeated just above a whisper.

Ritsuko looked at her with a pained expression, her eyes glossy with tears about to fall. He lip quivered and her words came out choked and hoarse. "G- Gendo, ah, C- Commander Ikari... he's... he's gone, Rei..." she stammered. "He died protecting Shinji..."

Rei gasped in shock. He died. Those words felt like a punch in the chest. Commander Ikari was dead. That news stirred up a typhoon of thoughts and emotions within her. She could hardly believe it. It seemed impossible. Commader Ikari was always one step ahead of everyone so the idea seemed impossible...

Rei bowed her head as the tempest in her heart intensified. The news that he was gone made her feel so many conflicting things. In all the lives she'd lived, Commander Ikari was many things for her. He was at some points he'd been a pillar of ultimate authority to be obeyed. At others he'd been a source of warmth and familial care and still others he'd been a subject of utter disdain. Now... especially after he'd genuinely shown that deep down he cared about her, had even set her free, she didn't know what to feel. The last conversation they had was him expression concern for her. Knowing he was gone, knowing that there would never be definitive closure on their strange relationship... it left a hole in her heart that she never thought could or would exist.

Then again... Shinji was probably feeling that even worse than she was.

Her eyes began to sting. Shinji had lost his father on top of everything else that he'd endured. No wonder he hadn't wanted to come see her. In all honesty he probably blamed her, her and her sins of omission, for his death, at least in some way. In all honesty he would be justified in thinking that if he did. No wonder he hadn't come to visit her. He probably irrevocably despised her now and he was dealing with his own grief at losing his one remaining parent compounding that...

"I- I see..." she whimpered in response to Ritsuko as the tears began to fall. It was all she could bring herself to say.

Silence hung in the room for a moment before Ritsuko spoke again. "I'm sorry, Rei..." she murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Rei bit her lip and closed her eyes, stifling a sob, trying to reign in the flood of emotion that threatened to pour out of her. "I- I don't know what I'm supposed to feel..." she whimpered. "Even now I don't know what he meant to me but I know he meant a lot to you... No matter what, Shinji probably blames me..."

"Why would he blame you?" Ritsuko asked quietly.

Rei winced and fidgeted with the end of her medical gown. The guilt she felt about keeping her secrets from everyone for so long threatened to overwhelm her. "Because if I'd just... told someone about the things I knew, about Nagisa, about everything... I don't know, maybe it could have been different..." she whimpered through the tears. "Maybe none of this would have happened..."

"Rei, you can't blame yourself for everything. Besides... who knows how much worse it could have been if everyone knew the things I do, about that other world?" Ritsuko murmured in reply, squeezing her shoulder gently. "You did your best. Some things aren't your fault..."

Deep down she knew that Ritsuko told the truth but it didn't do much to alleviate the pain she felt deep down in her heart. "I know..." she croaked in response, staring down at the floor.

Ritsuko exhaled shakily. "I miss him though..." she murmured, sounding like she was biting back her own tears. "I really do..."

Rei grimaced and dug her fingers tight into the end of her medical gown. "I know..." she whimpered softly.

The two of them sat there together in silence for a little while, quietly grieving in their own ways for their own reasons. Eventually the two of them managed to regain their composure. Only then did Ritsuko speak again. "There's more news... Suzuhara woke up yesterday," she stated quietly.

The news of that threw Rei off guard. Amid dealing with all the strife of the last few months she'd nearly forgotten about the pilot of Unit 03. "He's awake?" she croaked out in surprise, wiping away the last of her tears.

"Yeah," Ritsuko replied. "And he seems to be in decent shape, despite his missing leg."

Rei grimaced. The battle which lead to him losing his limb was yet another incident that she'd tried and failed to make positive change. It almost felt like the universe was going out of its way to remind her of how her inaction and failures had hurt the people around her, even if that thought was irrational... "That's good news..." she murmured softly.

"It is..." Ritsuko stated quietly. "Perhaps it might cause Shinji to come to NERV."

Rei bit her lip, her anxiety spiking yet again... "That's what worries me..." she murmured in reply.

There was a pause before Ritsuko spoke again. "Are you worried that Suzuhara will blame you for what happened to him?"

Rei shook her head. "No... I'm worried about seeing Shinji..." she responded glumly. "And I'm worried he... that he won't visit me..."

Ritsuko nodded, a wan smile working across her face. "He will... when he's ready to," she replied.

Rei frowned and hung her head. That wasn't much in terms of consolation. Then again, there was nothing anyone could say that would make her feel better about any of it. No matter what, she had to face the future that lay ahead, no matter how hard it was. Then, and only then, would anything start to get better...

---

Misato stepped off of one of the few undamaged passenger lifts down to the geofront and into the dimly lit concrete landing area with Shinji at her side. At a plodding pace the two of them passed through the doors and into the halls of headquarters. The mood hovering around the two of them was tense and somber. Ever since they'd left her apartment the boy hadn't said a word but now that they'd arrived at NERV she had to ask him what he felt comfortable doing. She turned her head to look at him. "Hey... do you want to go see Rei and Touji first or Commander Fuyutsuki?" she asked.

He kept his eyes down, his bangs partially obscuring his eyes. "I don't care..." he murmured. "It doesn't matter..."

Her eyebrows knit up. Hearing him speak like this was simply painful. Still, for his sake and her own, she forced a smile. "You should go see Rei and Touji first," she said. "Besides, I'm sure that they'll both be happy to see you."

Shinji visibly shuddered and balled his fists at his side. "Probably not..." he muttered bitterly. "But it can't be helped. I'm already here..."

Misato regarded him with the frown. The defeat in his voice made her heart feel heavy, especially knowing there wasn't anything she could do or say to alleviate his pain. "You have to try, Shinji..." she said as they turned a corner in the hall. "You have to have hope..."

He remained silent, saying nothing in reply...

Her frown deepened. "Would it help if I came with you?" she asked. It felt like the right thing to offer. She really wanted to show him that he wasn't truly alone...

Once again, he remained utterly silent...

"Major Katsuragi," a voice called out from up ahead.

She turned away from Shinji and looked forward to find Hyuga standing a few meters away, waiting for her. He looked somewhat disheveled and even with his glasses she could tell he had dark circles under his eyes. His dour expression matched those of everyone at NERV including herself. "Oh, hey Hyuga," she greeted as she reached him, halting her march. "What is it?"

"Commander Fuyutsuki wants to see you immediately," he replied, sounding a bit nervous. "He said that it's urgent."

"Did he say what it was about?" Misato inquired reflexively. No matter what he wanted she didn't want to walk in blind to his office, especially considering how fragile the peace with the Japanese government remained.

Hyuga shook his head. "He didn't say," he replied, his expression taking on notes of bitterness. "Though I'll guess it probably has something to do with the government..."

The expression on his face spoke volumes. "You're still doing some snooping, huh?" she asked in a hushed voice. She knew him well enough to make such an assumption.

Hyuga set his jaw and nodded. "I have," he replied. "I can't help it. After all the things we've been through I can't help but want to know what's going on..."

Misato sighed. It seemed like he was taking after her in all the worst, self destructive ways... "You need to be careful, Hyuga," she replied with a frown of her own. "Especially with all of these agents skulking around headquarters now..."

Hyuga breathed a heavy sigh. "I know... but what else do I have left, Major?" he returned softly.

Misato's throat constricted at those words and her breath caught in her chest. Hearing him say something like that was just... bleak. "Don't say that, Hyuga..." she replied quietly.

"Well... it is what is is..." he stated softly, emitting a wry laugh. "Just promise you'll let me know whatever it is that's going on in the halls of power, huh?"

She nodded in response, forcing herself to issue a comforting smile for his sake. "I will..." she responded quietly before turning to look at Shinji. "Shinji I'll be-"

He was gone...

"I guess he wandered off..." Hyuga murmured quietly.

Misato's brow knit up as her stomach turned over. Indeed he had wandered off. She could only hope that he'd decided to keep going toward the medical ward but considering how depressed he was she couldn't count on it. She wanted to go after him, to catch up to him... but she knew that it was probably best to give him space. If she were in his shoes she would want to be left alone... and so she'd let him be and do her duty as much as she didn't want to. "Yeah..." she responded softly. "I guess so..."

---

Shinji trudged ahead through the halls of NERV. Part of him felt guilty for leaving Misato behind but he really preferred to face what lay ahead of him alone. It was his trial to face, as much as he didn't want to face it alone he knew he had to. Besides, he'd had enough of her trying to cheer him up. Every time she did it felt hollow. She didn't understand how he felt. No one understood how he felt because they weren't him. Sure, they'd been through similar things in their lives, but she wasn't him. She didn't understand what it was like to feel guilty for causing people she cared about to suffer due to her own inaction. If she did then she wouldn't be trying to make up for how distant she'd been in recent weeks. That alone made him feel a little bit resentful and bitter toward her...

But deep down, she was still the only family he had left now...

He supposed he could try to speak to Asuka again while he was in the hospital wing, after he'd apologized and begged for their forgiveness but deep down he knew she'd probably just scream and tell him how much she hated him once again. At the same time, he assumed that Touji would probably resent him even though what he'd done had been forced upon him... and he was absolutely certain that Rei wouldn't want to see him, not after what he'd said before the battle, not after he'd caused her to get injured in it.

Still... his feet carried him forward through the mostly empty halls...

He grimaced and shook his head as he continued his slow, plodding march to the medical ward. He knew exactly how everything was going to play out. He just had to let it happen. He had to accept the results of his shitty behavior, his hurtful actions, his hurtful words, and all the times he'd been too cowardly to act. In the end they would never forgive him and he'd be alone once again, just like he'd been alone before he'd come to Tokyo 3 all those months ago. Knowing that, the desire to close his heart off forever, so he'd never face that kind of pain after this, burned in the back of his mind.

Shinji's thoughts drifted to his father and the last conversation he'd had with him. He'd spent many hours pondering those words now. He remembered those things he'd told him, about not wallowing in his self pity, about moving forward, about how he had to choose how to live his life... but it just made him bitter and angry. Every time he'd made a choice for himself it had ended in disaster and following orders was the same. He supposed he was just broken in that way. Even more infuriating, it was just like his father to try and move him in a positive direction and never show him how, to actually impart some genuine words and care only to fucking die right afterwards...

He balled his fists and bared his teeth as he continued on his march, the grief he felt over his father's passing manifesting as anger. Who was his father to talk to him about moving forward and accepting himself anyway!? He'd sent him away for years and contributed to a world wide conspiracy just to try and bring his mother back! What right did he ever have to give him advice about life. Besides... closing himself off to everyone around him had worked pretty well for him... right?

He shook his head, shoving that idea out of his mind. No... no he couldn't imagine living the rest of his life alone without the presence of others in his life. As much as a part of him genuinely wanted to close his heart to the world he was afraid that the pain of living that way would be worse than trying to salvage things with the people he cared about. It was a classic case of the devil one knew versus the one they didn't... except not. He knew both of those ways of living, the pain of friendship and love and the pain of loneliness and isolation. That was the binary choice before him and neither of them seemed appealing.

With that in mind, he continued trudging forward, putting one foot in front of other, his heartbeat getting a little faster with every meter he walked. His anxiety was mounting with each passing step. It was getting harder and harder to focus. He desperately tried to think of what he'd say to Rei and Touji when he saw them but his mind would shoot down everything as soon as he thought of it. He could feel his body starting to tremble the closer he got to the medical ward... and soon enough he stood in front of the doors to that place.

Shinji read the words on the doors and drew a shaky deep breath. There was no turning back now. He had to face the two of them to whatever end...

With a heavy heart and a shaky hand he pushed open those doors and stepped into the lobby. Immediately the woman behind the desk looked up at him, greeting him with a feigned smile. "Good morning," they spoke. "Can I help you?"

All of his anxieties, his fears, and his despair rose up in a tidal wave at that question. He could barely handle it. "I- I'm here to see T- Touji Suzuhara a- and R- Rei Ayanami..." he choked out, stammering over his words.

He watched as the woman behind the desk pointed down the hall and told him where they were but his mind couldn't register it. The words were drowned out by his own mental noise. He found himself breathing fast and hard and once she finished speaking all he could do was nod absently. It was all too much to handle. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't face what lay ahead, not now, not alone, not knowing what certainly lay ahead... and so he moved to one of the chairs in the lobby and sat down, holding his head in his hands to try and shut out the world around him.

He grimaced and grit his teeth, trying to smash that horrible sensation of stinging behind his eyes he was all too familiar with. He hated it. He hated that everything had come to this. He hated that even now he was just a pathetic coward. He just hated himself, just like Touji and Rei probably hated him. His thoughts drifted to his father and how disappointed he'd probably be about him being like this after he'd asked him to face the future...

"I can't do it..." he whimpered to himself. "I just can't do it... dad..."

Dad... not father... calling him that just made him feel even lower. Still, he couldn't bring himself to move. The panic and the fear and the sadness was paralyzing... and so he sat there in that chair, rocking back and forth, wishing that the rest of the world could just disappear, knowing it wouldn't and it couldn't...

---

Misato pressed open the doors to the commander's office within the NERV pyramid. It felt... strange to think of this place as now belonging to Fuyutsuki even though he was now the de facto Commander of NERV now. As she moved inside, even now, she half expected to find Commander Ikari sitting behind that black desk with his gloved hands in front of his face. To see the office in the state it was in now, with most of the windows shattered and fragments of stone from the ceiling littering the floor, and Commander Fuyutsuki sitting at that desk with his back to her, facing out the windows... it was rather strange. Despite how strange it was, she wouldn't allow that to affect her. "You asked to see me, sir?" she called out as she approached Commander Fuyutsuki's desk.

Fuyutsuki stood from the chair behind the onyx black desk and turned around to face her, a knowing smile on his lips. "Thank you for meeting with me, Major," he replied gently.

"It's my duty, sir," she replied, unsure of how to address him, opting for the most professional response she could muster.

Commander Fuyutsuki clasped his hands behind his back and faced out the window once more. "I have news from the Japanese Government..." he stated quietly.

Her heartbeat quickened with those words, her anxieties spiking. "News of what, sir?" she asked.

Fuyutsuki turned around, a soft smile on his lips. "Thanks to the files they've gleaned from us, the Japanese Government has ascertained the location of a number of prominent SEELE members," he responded. "A series of operations to apprehend them is being planned as we speak. The truth is coming to light, slowly but surely..."

Misato let those words sink in, nodding her head lightly. It was a bit of a relief to know that NERV was most likely being exonerated of any wrongdoing but it still stung knowing that they were basically the puppets of SEELE and had been since the beginning. Even so, a question burned in the back of her mind, and she couldn't resist asking it, especially having had a chance to read up on SEELE in depth after the battle... "Is Keel Lorenz on that list, sir?" she asked.

Fuyutuski's smile wavered. "I'm not certain, but I'd certainly hope so," he replied. "I've only been informed of the basics. I get the feeling that the Government doesn't fully trust us yet."

Misato nodded yet again, scowling. "It's understandable," she replied. "They might be concerned that we've tampered with the internal documents their using..."

"Indeed," Fuyutsuki returned softly. "Though they'll learn soon enough of our truthfulness. Either way, we'll be pardoned for our our involvement in SEELE's plans, that I can assure you."

"How can you be so certain?" she asked, finding his confidence a bit foolhardy.

Fuyutsuki's grin took on a slightly melancholy appearance. "I have my connections..." he murmured in response. "Either way, I thought you should know where we stand as commander of field operations."

Misato looked downward. It did reassure her that someone, anyone, was finally being truthful with her... "Thank you, sir..." she murmured.

Fuyutsuki turned around yet again and faced the window, once again clasping his hands behind his back. "So... I must ask... did Shinji come with you to headquarters today?" he inquired softly.

Misato winced, remembering how he'd wandered away from her, how she couldn't be there for him while he went to face Suzuhara and Rei... "He did..." she murmured quietly.

Fuyutsuki bowed his head slightly. "I see..." he murmured softly. "I suppose he came to see Suzuhara and Ayanami, yes?"

"Yes..." Misato murmured softly, hoping that he actually did go to see them after he wandered off. "I... I think he's doing that now."

Fuyutsuki chuckled wryly and turned back around, regarding her with that somber smile he wore moments ago. "I'd hoped to speak with him before he went to see them, but it is what is is," he replied, his smile evaporating, turning into a contemplative frown. "I can only imagine the pain that boy is going through right now..."

Her curiosity once again got the better of her. "If I may ask... why do you wish to speak with him?" she inquired.

He glanced at the surface of the onyx colored desk that stood between the two of them, his expression becoming decidedly somber. Even so, part of his smile remained, as if he were reminiscing on something. "I'd like to give my condolences to him as an old friend of his father..." he replied softly.

Misato's gaze drifted downward too. Even if Gendo Ikari had been a stoic, cold, and callous man, his demise weighed heavy on everyone... "That's very kind of you, sir..." she replied quietly.

Fuyutsuki turned away from her and once gain faced the window. "That's all I have for you, Major," he returned evenly. "You may leave."

Misato could tell that he was grieving in his own way even if he didn't want to show it. She did as instructed. She turned around and left the office without another word...

---

Furukawa had been correct that getting a day pass into NERV wasn't that difficult and a few hours after their conversation Nakajima found himself drifting through the halls of NERV's medical ward. He'd stated his credentials at the doors and left his rifle behind. Now he was wandering the halls within in the hope he could find Masaki's room, room 308 he'd been informed. The news that his friend was still alive was a great relief. However, now that he was there, nothing could prepare him for the atmosphere within the halls in which he resided...

It was a truly shocking experience, wandering the halls of the place he and his regiment had originally been sent to destroy. He couldn't help but note how all of the rooms in the medical ward were occupied in equal measure with both NERV and JSSDF personnel. Part of him found it a bit shocking that even days later there were still bloodstains on the floors. Then again... passing through the halls outside the medical wing and seeing the bullet holes and explosive damage all around he could piece together just how brutal the invasion had been. It actually made him feel a bit guilty that he'd taken part in such savagery...

"Excuse me, do you need help?" a voice called out to him.

Nakajima halted and regarded the person who'd accosted him. It was a woman, a nurse, regarding him with steely, distrustful expression. "I'm looking for a friend of mine," he replied nervously. "I was told he's in room 308."

The nurse nodded, glaring at him with a bitter expression. "Room 308 is straight ahead," she replied, pointing down the hall.

"Thank you..." Nakajima replied meekly.

The nurse continued on her way in the opposite direction without another word. Nakajima watched her as she went, noting her posture, her hostility. There was no doubt that he was an unwelcome guest in this place. It was justified though, especially considering what his comrades had done...

Soon enough he found himself at the room where Masaki was resting within. Slowly he pushed open the door and stepped inside. What greeted him was a... sobering sight.

Masaki was definitely alive but he certainly wasn't living in the traditional sense. Bandages covered his entire face except his nose and mouth. His body was attached to all sorts of tubes and machinery. The sight made Nakajima's stomach churn and his eyes sting. Seeing that he'd actually been taken care of was... a humbling experience to say the least. Such mercy was truly heartwarming. "Hey..." he called out to his friend, his voice trembling. "Are you awake?"

Masaki stirred slowly and faced him in spite of the bandages covering his eyes. "Ryuji?" he croaked, his voice coming out choked and hoarse. "Is that you?"

Nakajima rushed to his bedside and clasped his friend's hand in his. "Yeah, Kentaro, I'm here..." he replied softly. "It's me, Ryuji..."

Masaki breathed a heavy sigh. "Sorry you have to see me this fucked up..." he replied softly. "I look like shit, don't I?"

Nakajima feigned a smile even though he knew the bandages prevented his friend from seeing it. "You look better than Saito did last I saw him," he replied. "Fucker lost both his legs."

Masaki laughed softly. "I guess that's something to take comfort in..." he muttered softly. "At least I won't have to worry about him sticking a boot up my ass anymore..."

Nakajima chuckled wryly. "I'll bet he'll get some prosthetic limbs and be right back at it," he replied. "Once that happens and we're back to business as usual you'll have a titanium foot threatening your anus."

Masaki laughed heartily before trailing off, frowning. "Yeah..." he grumbled. "If things ever get back to business as usual..."

Nakajima frowned, all humor in his heart extinguished by that bitingly observant statement. "Yeah..." he murmured in response. "If that ever happens..."

Masaki breathed a heavy sigh. "All of this feels like some kind of nightmare..." he murmured. "I can't believe what happened, that it was all for nothing. You were right... all of this was for something fishy but I don't know what. I guess it's not our place to know..."

Nakajima's frown intensified. He hated hearing his friend talking like him, sounding paranoid and defeatist. "Stop sounding like me..." he scolded quietly, reaching out and nudging his shoulder lightly with his fist.

Masaki mustered a weak laugh. "Yeah... I guess I do sound too much like you," he replied. "I'd better stop before I turn into an asshole."

Nakajima chuckled. "Yeah, good idea," he returned warmly before trailing off. His curiosity got the better of him. "So... did they say when you'll be back on your feet?"

"At least a week," Masaki grumbled in response, reaching up and running a hand through his hair with a sigh. "Most likely I'll be getting moved into the SDF's medical facilities in another few days once they have room..."

The way he made that comment seemed strange, like he wasn't looking forward to it. "That's a good thing though, right?" Nakajima inquired.

"If you say so..." Masaki replied, his lips curving into a slight grin. "The beds here are more comfortable... and military nurses don't smell as nice as these ones do..."

Nakajima sat there at his friend's bedside, momentarily dumbfounded, before doubling over in guffaws of relieved laughter. Perhaps things were going to get back to normal after all...

---

Asuka stood in one of the many hallways of the medical ward of NERV, staring out the window with her one good eye at the cratered surface of the geofront, he hand braced high up on the glass of the window before her. Looking out over the grounds upon which she'd fought against the Mass Production Evas, now petrified with arms extended like crucifix markers, was both surreal and sobering. She'd given her all to beat them, churned up the earth in her fight, and yet, they could only be defeated by powers seemingly beyond hers or mankind's control at large. Knowing what had happened through the whispers of the staff in the medical ward she actually felt strangely... lucky to have survived, and lucky that she'd been able to hold her own against such a power.

And at the same time she still felt lost...

The gnawing feeling of emptiness in her chest and that sense of purposelessness in the back of her mind would not go away. No matter what she did to distract herself or rationalize that she was lucky to be alive, that she'd done her best, that she'd still shown her value in battle, it wouldn't go away. The state she lived in now felt like she was between worlds, like she'd been hollowed out.

Her mind kept searching for the answer to the equation of living on. For so long she'd thought that without something to hold onto, something to fight for, someone to validate her that she'd be unable to keep living, that she wouldn't want to keep living. After losing her ability to pilot for a while and losing Kaworu, perhaps the one person who'd ever understood her, she'd tried to take that option only to realize she wanted to live. Then, she'd realized her mother was always there watching over her in the Eva and gained the will and ability to fight again... only to fail and lose an eye for her troubles. Now there was nothing left to fight for and only fractured bonds remaining with the people she'd grown close to instead of validation and praise...

How did one live without purpose? How did one come to terms with their failures on a grand stage when the opportunity to stand on that stage was gone? How could she live her life without anything to dedicate herself to? These were all questions that swam in her mind, prodding at her endlessly, an itch she simply couldn't scratch. She didn't want to cease living but without her Eva, without her mother, without Shinji, Misato, Rei, and Kaworu... what was left for her?

"Hey..." a voice called out to her.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply through her nose. She recognized the voice and she didn't want to speak to him. "What do you want?" she grumbled, glancing to her side at this person she had no desire to speak to. Hell, she didn't want to speak to anyone at present...

Asuka watched as Touji struggled to move his wheelchair and position himself a meter or two away from her. He turned to face the window, looking out at the same desolation she'd been observing moments ago. "I know what happened..." he muttered softly.

Asuka turned her gaze back to the battered landscape out the window. Her lip curled in disgust. Of course he would come here to judge her, probably to belittle her in her moment of weakness... "Good to know..." she growled in response.

There was a lingering pause that hung in the air before Touji spoke again. "I heard you fought nine Evas all at once..." he stated quietly.

Asuka grimaced and clenched her fists at her sides. "Yeah... and that's how I got this!" she hissed before turning to face him, pointing at her damaged eye. "I don't want to talk about it so fuck off!"

Touji looked at her like he was going to make a snide retort but then stopped himself, a somber expression taking shape on his face. He turned to face out the window. "I'm sorry that happened to you..." he replied. "It's not like I can't relate..."

Asuka's eyes drifted down to his lower body, fixing on place where his lower leg should have been, and cringed. Of course he could relate to such a debilitating injury. Great. Now she actually felt guilty for being so harsh with him... "Sorry..." she bit out, turning her gaze back to the cratered landscape before the both of them.

"It's fine..." Touji muttered in response. "I know that's just how you are by now..."

Asuka was genuinely struck by that comment. Did everyone seriously see her as being that abrasive? "Look, I didn't mean to be a bitch..." she murmured softly.

Touji sighed. "I said it's fine, so drop it," he replied quietly. "I got bigger things to worry about... like what everyone else has been doing since I was asleep and if they're okay right now after... all of this."

Asuka frowned and glanced downward at the windowsill. Of course he didn't know about any of that. He might know that the Angels had been defeated and that the military had attacked NERV but he had no idea of what could have happened between all of the people in his life during his coma... "A lot of things have changed..." she murmured in reply, glancing back over at him.

Touji sighed once again and stared out the window with a scowl. "Well, that's obvious..." he returned, his tone quiet and bitter. "But... how much so? Are Kensuke and Hikari okay?"

Asuka bit her lip. "They moved away after the second to last Angel nearly destroyed the city, and..." she couldn't say the rest. Even if she didn't particularly care for Touji she knew if she told him her suspicions that it would do nothing other than hurt him. Perhaps later she'd tell him, once he'd had a chance to take things in... "Yeah..."

He sighed yet again. "Well... I guess it's good that they managed to miss all of this," he stated quietly. "It's good that they got to escape it, unlike us..."

Asuka resonated with that statement. It was true. They were the lucky ones in comparison to their friends who'd left the city. She found it ironic that here she was, genuinely feeling a sense of camaraderie and mutual understanding with this person whom she used to think nothing of. It served to highlight just how much things had changed and perhaps how much she'd changed...

The two of them continued staring out the window at the desolate landscape of the once lush geofront. Neither of them spoke another word, for there was nothing left to say...

---

Time ceased to exist for Shinji as he sat in that chair, wallowing in his misery, frozen in anxiety. He could have been sitting there for hours or mere minutes but the result was the same, that being paralysis, inaction. He'd managed to pull himself together a little bit but he still couldn't bring himself to go down that hallway and go see the two people he needed to confront. Feeling that weakness, that emptiness, disgusted him... and all he could do was sit there, his head in his hands, staring down at the floor.

The sound of heavy boots on the tile floor filled his ears. He thought nothing of it until those heavy footfalls stopped a few meters away from him. "Hey, kid, you alright?" a man's voice called to him.

Shinji looked up, shaken from his daze, and flinched when he realized who stood beside him. It was the JSSDF soldier that had found him by the entry plug near the end of the battle of the geofront. Seeing him standing there in his combat uniform made him tense. He froze, unable to speak, his mind looping back to the events of that day, his breathing quickening.

The soldier lifted his hands and issued a sheepish grin. "Hey, I'm just here to visit my friend, the one I found you with," he stated calmly. "I'm not gonna bite you. The battle's over anyway."

Shinji's muscles relaxed slightly. Still, he wasn't quite ready or willing to fully let down his guard. "O- okay..." he responded.

A moment of silence passed before the soldier gestured to the chair beside him. "Do you mind if I sit down?" he asked.

Shinji wasn't sure what to say. He really didn't want this man sitting next to him but he also didn't want to be rude. After a moment he shook his head lightly.

The soldier sat down and leaned forward with the groan, resting his elbows on his knees, placing his chin atop his interlinked fingers. "Shit is pretty fucked up now, huh?" he asked, staring ahead, away from him.

Shinji frowned. That was a statement he could agree with, regardless of how crass it was. "Yeah... shit's fucked..." he murmured, looking back down at his feet. Somehow it felt... relieving to word it in such vulgar terms.

There was a moment of pause before the soldier spoke again. "How are you holding up, kid?" he asked. "By the way, your name was Shinji, right?"

Shinji nodded, turning to face him, feeling a bit guilty that he wasn't certain of the man's name. "Yeah, that's my name," he replied. "N- Nakamura? Right?"

The soldier chuckled and sighed. "Nakajima," he returned calmly. "But that's not important. How are you holding up, kid?"

Shinji once again looked down at the floor. "Not well..." he murmured bitterly. "Why do you care anyway? You don't know me..."

"You're right, I don't," Nakajima responded flatly. "But I know courage when I see it, and I know pain when I see it too."

Shinji tensed at that assessment. It was true, he was hurting, and it felt good to be called courageous even if it didn't feel deserved, but it felt... strange hearing such compassion from someone who'd been originally sent to kill him and his friends. Besides... he's almost shot this man with his father's gun... "Well... thanks, I guess..." he muttered, his eyes remaining glued to the floor, unsure of what else to do.

"It's simple respect, soldier to soldier," Nakajima replied quietly. "By the way... that girl you were with... did she make it?"

Shinji cringed. He hated thinking of himself as a soldier but he supposed that what he was, what he'd become. He'd become just as much a soldier as the men who'd attacked NERV, men like Nakajima... but that was far less cringe inducing than the question Nakajima asked. It brought back to the forefront of his mind his cowardice, his true nature as a person... "Yeah..." he murmured in reply. "She did..."

"That's good," Nakajima replied softly. "I'm glad she's okay."

Shinji found himself balling up his fists, frustration and an ember of anger flaring up in his heart. "Why do you care?" he snapped, whipping his head around to face him. "Why are you being so damn nice to me?"

Nakajima stared back at him with a look that was indescribable. It showed sympathy, empathy, sorrow, regret, hope, worry, and pity, all in one. It made whatever anger Shinji felt burn out almost instantly. Then he smiled, a distant look in his eyes. "Because someone showed me kindness after this shit happened," he replied. "So I'm passing it along."

Shinji fought to maintain eye contact with him, his anger coming back even though he knew it was misplaced. "Well stop it..." he growled, ultimately turning away. "I'm not worth it..."

"Well, suit yourself..." Nakajima muttered, leaning back and folding his arms. "So... is that girl a friend of yours?"

"Yeah, she is..." Shinji bit out, glowering ahead. "Or... she was... it's complicated..."

There was a pause before Nakajima spoke again. When he did, he emitted a soft chuckle. "Oh... I see..." he murmured softly. "You love her, don't you..."

Shinji's stomach did a flip and he immediately tensed up. How could this guy who didn't even know him see through him like this? He turned to him, flustered. "W- why would you say that?" he stammered angrily.

Nakajima smirked at him. "I was a teenager once too, kid," he replied. "Besides, I saw the way you were looking at her when we were out on the battlefield."

Shinji grimaced and looked away yet again, both embarrassed and chagrined. Being seen through like that made him feel queasy, almost as much as knowing how fucked up things between him and Rei and everyone else were... "So what..." he hissed under his breath. "Like I said, it's complicated..."

"Well that's just life, kid," Nakajima replied. "Everything is complicated, even the things we think are simple. You just have to roll with it and face down the hard things in life, even if doing that is really fucking hard to do at times."

Those words summed up the conflict in his heart in such a brutally concise manner. It was truly striking, cutting deeply. "That's not very helpful..." Shinji bit out ruefully.

"Yeah..." Nakajima mused with a chuckle. "I don't suppose it is..."

Before Shinji could make any sort of protest, retort, or reply, the intercom system on the ceiling came to life. "Pilot Ikari, please report to Commander Fuyutsuki's office immediately," a voice spoke out. "Pilot Ikari, please report to Commander Fuyutsuki's office immediately."

Shinji tensed up once more upon hearing his name called over the speakers above his head. That was right, the new commander wanted to see him for some reason. He didn't know why but he could assume it had something to do with his father, yet another harsh reality he didn't want to face or ruminate on...

"Well I guess that's your queue to leave," Nakajima stated quietly, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Take care of yourself, kid."

Shinji turned to him for the last time, taking note of the small sympathetic and friendly grin he wore. "Thanks..." he replied, forcing a grin of his own before standing up and turning to leave.

He'd only managed to get a few steps before Nakajima called after him. "Hey, kid," he stated evenly. "Just so you know, if you want someone to talk to, I'll listen. I'll be hanging around until my friend gets transferred."

Shinji halted, those words piercing through him like a bullet. It was so kind of him to offer but he still didn't know this man and he didn't deserve it anyway... but even so he was grateful for the offer. "Why?" he asked without turning back.

"You helped me save my best friend's life," Nakajima stated. "It's the least I can do to repay you."

Those words chipped at the ice in his heart just a little bit. He smiled to himself and continued out of the medical ward without another word...

---

Nakajima watched as the teen pilot he'd been making idle conversation with disappeared through the doors of the medical wing and into the halls of NERV, his smile fading into a contemplative frown as the doors closed behind him. He was glad he'd had a chance to talk to that Ikari kid. Speaking with him had been a truly impulsive decision but one spurred on by the kind words that Furukawa had spared him earlier in the day. It simply felt like the right thing to do. That poor kid had been through just as much as he had. No... he'd been through far more. He'd been killing monsters long before the siege of the city. No one that kid's age should have to do such things. In all honesty he was surprised the teen was as put together as he was after everything. Hell, when he was Ikari's age he knew he wouldn't have been so mature and composed...

It was honestly heartbreaking knowing that kid had to be, that the world had made him that way...

Nakajima leaned his head back and stared up at the ceiling. Months ago he would never have pictured he'd be sitting here, inside a place run by a group he'd been envious and spiteful of. So much had changed and he'd changed too. He'd seen things beyond comprehension, otherworldly horrors, the evil in the hearts of men... and somehow he'd managed to retain his humanity and even shown kindness to someone who could have been his enemy.

Though, if he was being honest, seeing that the Eva pilots really were children as per the rumors made that last part a bit easier to do...

He closed his eyes and scowled, the memories of all the horrors he'd seen days ago coming back to the forefront of his mind. No matter where things went from now on things would never be the same. He could almost hear the sounds of shells and screams if he let his mind wander. He couldn't help but wonder if that would always be the case, if he would ever truly know peace again, if he'd ever have a sleep without nightmares again...

"Hey, soldier, are you alright?" a voice called to him.

Nakajima opened his eyes and craned his neck to see who was talking to him. It was one of the female orderlies of the wing, regarding him with a slight look of concern. He forced a smile. "I'm fine," he replied. "Just a little tired is all."

The orderly or nurse or whatever she was nodded, a sympathetic expression washing over her face. "You were here to visit Pvt. Masaki, right?" she asked.

Nakajima sat up and nodded. "I was, yes," he replied. "Why?"

The woman's smile fell away, replaced by a scowl. "Next time you visit him, can you tell him not to point out the perfume that certain members of the staff wear?" she asked. "It's rather unpleasant..."

Nakajima, remembering the conversation he'd had with his friend, couldn't help but laugh. Part of him wanted to crack a joke about how the poor bastard had navigate the world via smell due to the bandages over his eyes but he resisted. "Sure," he returned warmly. "I'll make sure he knows he's being a jackass."

The woman nodded, her smile returning. "Thank you," she replied before turning away and walking off.

Nakajima shook his head and chuckled to himself. No matter how much things changed some things would always stay the same...

---

Misato trudged through the halls of NERV, her hands in the pockets of her jacket, her head bowed. Many thoughts swam in her head. She was still trying to process her short conversation with Commander Fuyutsuki, about how the government was now taking action against SEELE. It certainly was a relief... but it also stirred up some bitter feelings. It made her feel so useless, like her struggling to uncover the truth had been for absolutely nothing. Yes, the world had changed, she and the people she cared for had survived... but it wasn't thanks to her doing. Where there had once been determination and aspiration, first for revenge and then for truth, there was now a void...

She breathed a sigh and ran a hand through her hair. She really had been driven to obsession over her pursuits to the detriment of everything else and everyone else around her. The way that Shinji was behaving around her was clear evidence of that. The act of him disappearing without saying a thing to her was testament to that irrefutable fact.

The sound of footsteps, heels on the tile floor, filled her ears as she neared an intersection of two corridors. She paused at the junction and turned her head to find Ritsuko coming towards her with a similar dour expression to her own, her eyes cast down at the ground.

Since the faux blonde melted down upon hearing of Commander Ikari's death they hadn't had a chance to talk. Their friendship had certainly become strained in the last few months, yet another casualty of her carelessness in the course of her pursuits. Since the opportunity was presenting itself, now was as good a time as any to reach out to her, or at least try to... "Hey..." Misato called out.

Ritsuko halted and looked up at her, issuing a clearly forced half smile. "Hey..." she responded quietly. "What are you doing here?"

"Commander Fuyutsuki wanted to speak to me," Misato replied, unsure of how to broach the subject of their strained friendship. She was never good at talking about those kinds of things...

Ritsuko's lip twitched downward for half a second before she nodded and glanced away. "What's he been filling you in on?" she asked.

Misato inwardly winced. She should have known better than to call him by his title. After all, it just rubbed it in Ritsuko's face that Commander Ikari was gone... "Apparently the Japanese government is going after SEELE," she replied softly.

Ritsuko nodded, still looking away from her. "That's good..." she murmured.

An awkward silence hung between the two of them. Misato knew she had to say something but she wasn't sure exactly what topic to address. After a moment of pause she decided that small talk would be the way to go. "How come you're here today?" she asked. "Why did you bother coming in?"

"I went so see Rei..." Ritsuko returned quietly. "No other reason..."

Misato nodded. She hadn't gone to see her yet but she knew from the medical reports that she was starting to recover. "That's good..." she replied. "How is she?"

Ritsuko breathed a heavy sigh and moved to lean against the wall. She took up a position against it and braced her back against it, folding her arms across her chest and looking down at the floor. "She's going to recover..." she returned softly. "She's definitely doing better than she was..."

Misato nodded once again, unsure of what else to do. "That's good..." she returned quietly.

"Did Shinji come with you today?" Ritsuko asked softly.

Misato bit her lip. "Yeah..." she replied. "I was hoping he'd go see Rei and Touji but he wandered off before we could go see them. Do you know if he went to see them?"

Ritsuko shook her head lightly, still gazing away from her. "No..." she replied. "As far as I know, he hasn't..."

"I see..." Misato murmured quietly, glancing down at the tile floor.

"Well, I can't blame him..." Ritsuko muttered. "It can't be easy for him..."

Silence yet again hung between them like a shroud. The tension between the two of them could be cut with a knife. It served to show just how strained their friendship had become. Misato frowned, pulling her arms across her chest and digging her fingers into the sleeves of her red jacket as she tried to piece together what she wanted to say. Eventually she just decided to lay it all bare. Playing things close to her chest was never her strong suit anyway... "Look..." she spoke out nervously, daring to look at her estranged friend. "I'm... I'm sorry..."

Ritsuko looked at her with a somber but perplexed expression. "About what?" she asked.

Misato bit her lip and balled her fists, looking away from her as a wave of shame washed over her. "About everything..." she murmured. "About how everything turned out, about how the commander is gone..."

Ritsuko visibly tensed for a moment before relaxing a moment later, a wan smile taking shape on her features. She looked up, leaning her head back against the cold steel wall. "Well... it definitely turned out better than it could have since we could all be LCL right now... but thanks..." she replied quietly.

Misato dared to step closer to her friend, reaching out a putting a hand on her shoulder. "Look..." she spoke, searching for words. "I shouldn't have been such a bitch to you, you didn't deserve that. After Kaji and how I dove so far into finding out what was really going on... well... it's been hard..."

Ritsuko looked at her with an understanding yet somber expression. "I get it," she replied. "We've all been through the ringer and none of us really handled it the best. It's fine, Misato."

Misato looked down, pulling her hand away from her friend's shoulder, folding her arms across her chest yet again. She shifted nervously on her feet. She wasn't expecting such understanding... "So... are we good?" she asked, unable to meet her friend's gaze.

Ritsuko let out a wry chuckle. "Yeah..." she replied. "We're good... but the next time you try to slap me I'm hitting back."

Misato's lips curved upward at that mirthful comment. "Hopefully there won't be a next time..." she returned quietly.

"With everything out in the open now I can't imagine there would be," Ritsuko replied evenly. "Right now all we can do is try to be better, in whatever way we can, in our own ways..."

Misato nodded in agreement. "Yeah..." she murmured, her thoughts drifting back to the pilots, both where she stood with them and how hard it would be for them to get their lives together in the aftermath of what they'd all been through."I suppose that's all we can do..."

---

Shinji stood before the doors of what had once been his father's office. It felt so strange standing here now. Part of him expected to find his father inside, sitting at his desk the way he always did, but he knew that wouldn't be the case. His father was dead and gone and nothing could change that... so why did he feel so strange entering this room? Was it because it once belonged to his father? Was it because of what transpired between him and his father the last time he was here in this place? Was it because of that lingering guilt and regret? Was it because of the sadness and the anger he felt that his father had broken the last promise he'd made to him? He didn't know... but he was here, and he had no choice but to see Commander Fuyutsuki.

Commander Fuyutsuki... his new title was just another bitter reminder of his loss, a loss he didn't even realize he'd feel until it happened... but he had to face it. Shinji took a deep breath to steady himself and pushed open the onyx doors of his father's former office...

As he stepped into the room he took note of the warped ceiling and the cracked glass of the windows. This place had certainly suffered the wrath of the SDF whether direct or not. This place was far less intimidating than in used to be. Was that because his father was gone or because it was damaged? Was it because he'd endured even more damage? Shinji didn't know... all he knew was that the new commander, Fuyutsuki, was sitting at his father's desk, waiting for him...

The old man rose from his seat and regarded him with a pleasant smile. The very sight made him inwardly cringe though he tried his best not to show it. He deserved no pleasantries and he deserved no respect. "Shinji," he spoke warmly. "I've been expecting you."

Shinji glanced downward. "What do you want..." he grumbled bitterly.

There was a pause before Fuyutsuki responded. Shinji watched as the older man gestured toward the desk that once belonged to his father. It was then that he noticed the folding chair sitting before it. "I've prepared a game of Shogi..." he spoke. "Won't you play with me?"

Shinji's gaze turned to the desk and he took in the sight of the board set up and ready to play. He felt a certain tightness in his chest at the sight. Shogi was something his father taught him... and the last time he'd played it with him he'd thrown the board away in a fit of anger over his father's treatment and designs for Rei... He wasn't certain he could bring himself to partake in this game, especially in this place. "Why do you want to play against me?" he asked quietly.

"Your father mentioned you'd taken a liking to the game," Fuyutsuki replied with a warm smile. "And I'd grown to enjoy playing against your father over the years. Now please... come and play with me..."

Shinji didn't have the will to resist even though he desperately wanted to turn around and leave this office, this place that held bitter memory. Despite this, he felt compelled to step forward, and soon enough he found himself sitting the the chair Fuyutsuki had prepared for him opposite the desk. The older man had set the board up for him to go second, just like his father used to do... "Let's begin then..." Shinji muttered bitterly.

Fuyutsuki sat down at his father's desk and immediately moved a pawn. "Let us begin then..." he replied warmly.

Shinji recognized the opening. It was one that his father often used. He scowled bitterly. "Why did you want to see me?" he asked as he reached out and moved a tile.

"As I told Major Katsuragi, I wanted to extend my condolences and concern to you as an old friend of your father's," he replied, making a counter move.

Shinji again recognized the play and moved a tile accordingly. "Well... thanks, I guess..." he muttered in response.

Fuyutsuki studied the board for a moment before moving a tile. "I know it's hard..." he spoke out softly. "Losing someone..."

Shinji grimaced. He didn't want to dwell on it, let alone speak about how he felt about losing his father. It was just the icing on the shit cake he was forced to eat. "I don't want to talk about it..." he muttered bitterly, making his counter move, building his defense.

There was another pause before Fuyutsuki made a move. "I can understand," he replied. "Trying to process loss on your own is natural... but if you shut those around you out it will only lead to further loss and isolation."

Shinji glowered down at the board. He knew the old man was right as much as it stung to hear. He could infer that, from the way that Fuyutsuki had said them, that they applied just as much to his father as they did him. They were a warning... and it sickened him to know that the older man saw through him, that he knew he had the capacity to end up just like his father... "I know..." he muttered bitterly as he made a move. "But I don't know how. I don't think I'm ready..."

Fuyutsuki made another counter on the board, smashing through his defenses. Shinji's eyes widened. Why hadn't he seen that move coming? "I don't think we're ever truly ready or comfortable opening up to others, nor do I think we ever truly rid ourselves of our traumas," the old man responded. "But we must confront our insecurities and fears nonetheless..."

Shinji studied the board carefully. He'd fallen into a trap... "That's not an easy thing to do..." he bit out through gritted teeth, making a ploy to reverse his fortunes on the board. "It opens us up to further pain..."

"That speaks to one of the most poignant choices we must make..." Fuyutsuki responded, making a move and capturing a tile. "Is the pain of isolation preferable to the pain of sharing our hearts with others?"

The trap was closing around him. Shinji's scowl deepened. He'd played right into the old man's hands... "I don't know what's worse..." he muttered as he made a move to secure his defense. "Both are unpleasant in their own way..."

Fuyutsuki instantly countered on the board, placing him in check. "I saw first hand what became of your father through the years due to the option he chose," he replied. "I don't want to see you make the same mistakes he did... and I don't think he'd like to see you make those mistakes either."

Shinji made a move, flailing to make a counter. "He's dead..." he grumbled, staring down at the board. "What does it matter what he would think?"

Fuyutsuki broke through and once again placed him in check. "You and I both know that's just an attempt at dodging the point I'm trying to make..." the old man responded.

Shinji balled his fists, pressing hard against the surface of the table. He recognized this position, this trap. No matter what he did he would be checkmated in the next move. He'd miscalculated like an amateur and allowed his opponent an easy victory... "I forfeit..." he hissed defensively, standing from his seat. "And if all that you called me here for is to beat me at shogi and scold me then I'd like to leave..."

Fuyutsuki regarded him with a somber smile. "That wasn't my attention at all," the old man responded quietly. "Please, stay, at least a little longer."

Shinji's lip curled back in a sneer. "You've already won and you've already made your point, what's left to talk about?" he spat. "There are no Angels left, Unit 01 is gone, why am I still here anyway?"

"Why are you here?" Fuyutsuki asked flatly, regarding him with that contemplative and somber expression of his.

Shinji's stomach did a flip. Those words struck him like a slap across the face. Why had he come here? Was it just because he'd been asked to? Was it because he didn't know what to do with himself? Was it just because he had nowhere else to go? Was it because he didn't want to be alone? The answer eluded him... "I... I don't know..." he replied quietly, looking down at the floor.

Fuyutsuki stood from his father's desk. "I imagine it's probably not an easy question to answer," he returned softly. "But I can imagine closure is among the possibilities, yes?"

Shinji nodded somberly. Yes... that was certainly a possibility. "I suppose..." he muttered. "Maybe..."

Fuyutsuki nodded and moved to open a drawer in his father's desk. "If that's the case, I have a gift for you..." he replied, retrieving something from the drawer on the right hand side and setting it beside the shogi board.

Shinji's brow knit up when he saw what the item, or rather items, were. "Cassette tapes?" he questioned. Did the old man really think that listening to music would help? He'd been doing that already to no avail...

"Your father recorded them shortly before he died," Fuyutsuki stated evenly, a somber smile on his lips. "He asked me to entrust them to you should he meet an untimely end..."

Shinji's lips parted in surprise and his eyes went wide. "Wh- what?" he stammered.

Fuyutsuki nodded and looked down at the shogi board atop the desk, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I think he may have seen this coming..." the old man mused. "I think that... part of him might have known his time was running out, though he'd never admit it."

Shinji didn't know what to say. This was something completely unexpected... and so he stood there completely speechless, unable to put the whirlwind of thoughts presently swirling in his mind to words...

Fuyutsuki sat back down in his father's old chair and pushed the tapes closer to him. "I know it might come as a shock... but if you're seeking a bit of closure then I'd imagine you'll find it there..." he stated softly.

Shinji looked up and met the old man's gaze. His eyes narrowed and he scowled bitterly, the anger in his heart flaring up. "Why do you think that?" he hissed. "Why do you think that listening to these will help me?"

Fuyutsuki shrugged, that somber smile of his never wavering. "I don't know... just and old fool's honest guess," he replied. "I'd never say I knew him well enough to really understand him... but I knew him better than most."

Shinji gaze softened and he stared down at the tapes, contemplating those words. Slowly, he reached out and took them. "Thanks..." he murmured in response. With that he turned to go.

He hadn't gotten more than a few steps before Fuyutsuki called out to him. "Perhaps, when you're ready, we'll play a game of shogi once again, the way your father and I used to..." the old man spoke out softly.

Shinji paused, halting mid step. Thinking about it actually seemed pleasant... but also somewhat bitter. "I'll give it some thought..." he muttered softly without turning around.

"Very well..." Fuyutsuki replied. "Take care of yourself, Shinji..."

Shinji swallowed the growing lump in his throat and continued on his way, exiting the office...

---

It was evening, the sun was low in the sky, and Shikishima stepped out of the car which had brought him to the outskirts of what was once Tokyo 3 where the new permanent command center for supervision of NERV was being put together. The site overlooked the ruins from the summit of Mt. Futago, a place that he understood NERV had once conducted an operation against one of the Angels. He supposed that this place was chosen because a lot of the infrastructure from that operation remained on the hill and was still in mostly working order...

"Looks like as good a place as any to work from wouldn't you say, General?" the staff officer who'd accompanied him here spoke up.

Shikishima glanced down at the new bars on his uniform and smiled weakly. It still didn't sit quite right how he'd attained his new rank, he'd done little to deserve it, but it was nice to have his sense of integrity and morality recognized. He was determined to make the most of his new position and live up to what Minister Katsumoto saw in him. "I suppose it is," he replied, staring ahead and stepping forward into the perimeter.

He could see that there were already engineering crews assembled, ready to go as soon as they received orders, or rather his orders. As he made his way through the command post a captain strode up to him and saluted. "General Shikishima," he greeted with a salute. "We've been expecting you, sir."

Shikishima returned the salute. "Who's in charge presently?" he asked.

"General Oda is, sir," the captain replied. "He's been eager to speak with you, sir."

Shikishima fought the urge to curl his lip at that statement. Of course that old bastard was still in command... but at least he wouldn't be for much longer. "Very well," he returned. "Could you show me to him, Captain?"

"Yes sir," the captain responded, gesturing toward one of the former NERV buildings. "Right this way."

Shikishima allowed the captain to lead him into the building. In moments he found himself standing at the door to what was probably once some kind of technical operations room which had been retrofitted into functioning as an office.

"General Oda is inside," the captain stated, saluting. "I'll take my leave, sir."

Shikishima nodded. "Carry on," he replied.

The captain departed and he found himself alone before the doors. Even with his new rank and assignment part of him was still nervous as to how the old buzzard would react to seeing him again. However, part of him would certainly relish finally and truly putting him in his place, especially after the brutality and callousness he'd shown during the battle on top of how he'd denied what was now irrefutable truth. Shikishima drew a deep breath and keyed the electronic mechanism beside the door frame, causing the door to snap open.

Before him was a sight he didn't expect. There sat General Oda by one of the electronic consoles of the building, hunched over with his chin in his palm, staring away out the window as he puffed on his pipe, a contemplative expression on his face. Shikishima watched as his eye pivoted toward him and his expression darkened. "Well, well..." the old man grumbled. "Look who's back... the mutineer returns..."

Shikishima straightened his back and scowled at the old bastard. "I've been assigned command of the reconstruction of Tokyo 3 as well as the supervision SDF forces, General," he stated flatly. "You are relieved of command, sir..."

Oda turned fully to face him and stood from his chair. "Yes, I know what Katsumoto wants, just as you do," he replied bitterly, staring daggers at him. "I suppose you're proud of yourself, aren't you?"

Shikishima refused to allow this man to get under his skin. He was the officer in charge now, Oda could kick rocks all he wanted... "Will you relinquish command or shall I repeat my actions on the day of the battle?" he inquired, his eyes narrowing.

Oda puffed on his pipe and scowled. "I suppose I don't have a choice in the matter, besides it would jeopardize my oh so lovely retirement..." he replied, the sarcasm and bitterness of his tone unmistakable. He waved his hand toward the dilapidated command center. "I leave the supervision of Tokyo 3 in your capable hands..."

Shikishima nodded, barely able to restrain himself from snarling in rage. Even though the thought was there he resisted the urge as an officer and a gentleman. "Trust and believe, it is, in fac,t held in good hands, sir..." he replied, his stoic scowl unwavering.

Oda stepped toward the door but before he passed him he stopped and turned, looking up at him with a bitter expression. "You know, I did my best," the old man stated bitterly. "I did my best with what information was given to me by those in power and I followed my sensibilities. You can't fault me for that."

Shikishima glowered down at him. "Indeed you did, sir," he replied. "And if you hadn't then a lot of innocent people would still be alive."

Oda's expression shifted. One could almost see remorse in his eyes. "There was a time when one could trust the official channels, Mitsuo," he returned softly. "I hope you remember that..."

Shikishima nodded. "I do remember, sir," he replied. "But that should never prevent one from following their conscience. It shouldn't compromise what's right and wrong."

Oda grimaced and let out a bitter snarl, looking away. "A soldier's role is not to question nor reason, only to do and die, Mitsuo," he returned quietly. "Tell me... if you were in my position what would you have done?"

He bristled at that question. How dare he think so little of him.. "I wouldn't have burned that folder, I can tell you that..." Shikishima hissed in response.

Oda chuckled though his frown deepened. "I suppose I had that coming..." he muttered before looking up and staring back firmly, a small smirk on his lips. "Good luck with your new command, General... and for the sake of Japan, don't fuck it up..."

"Rest assured, General Oda, I most certainly will not..." Shikishima responded, issuing the old man a salute. One always saluted the rank, not the man...

Oda to his surprise returned the gesture and gave a curt nod before exiting the room without another word, leaving him alone...

As soon as he left and his footsteps drifted into the distance Shikishima breathed a heavy sigh. He moved to the chair Oda had previously occupied and sat down, running his hand over his head as the gravity of his situation finally set in. He was set to attempt rebuilding a city which had been blasted off the face of the earth. How the hell did one coordinate such an effort? How long would it take? Weeks? Months? Years? He doubted that Tokyo 3 could be fully rebuilt for at least a decade, especially with the rest of Japan's coast recovering from the earthquakes and tsunamis that happened right after the battle's conclusion... but he had to do his best. Thankfully the Americans were lending what aid they could but it would only go so far. What lay ahead was truly a herculean task...

"You certainly laid into him pretty fierce, sir..." a voice called out from the shadows.

Shikishima jolted at the sound of that voice and whipped around. Behind him, in the shadows near the rear entrance of the room stood Ichijo. He scowled yet again. "It's not polite to eavesdrop, Hajime," he scolded his former subordinate.

Major Ichijo stepped forward out of the shadows with an awkward smile. "I couldn't help it, sir," he replied. "I simply had to see how that old fuck would react to your return."

Shikishima sighed heavily and looked out the window at fading red glow of the sunset. "A small victory..." he replied. "And now the real battle lies ahead..."

"I suppose that's true..." Ichijo returned quietly, moving to stand beside him. "Rebuilding things is always harder than tearing them down..."

Shikishima nodded absently as he took in the view out the window, the men below moving about, the rolling hills in the distance, the gaping hole where a thriving city once existed. His frown deepened. "Indeed that is the case..." he replied. "And it's my job to undo all the things that we did to fuck things up. You can imagine how intimidating that is, right Hajime?"

"Indeed I can, sir," Ichijo responded. "But if anyone is going to have a shot at it then its the most honorable man in the SDF, sir..."

Shikishima chuckled wryly, continuing to stare out the window into the distance. "You flatter me, old friend," he returned warmly. "But I fear I'm out of my element."

"You'll adapt," Ichijo replied as he stepped over to stand beside him. "You always do."

Shikishima's frown returned. "Is that the only reason you're here, old friend?" he asked. "To give me words of encouragement?"

There was a pause before Ichijo responded. "No..." he replied. "That's not why I'm here, sir."

"Then why?" Shikishima pressed.

There was another pause before Ichijo replied. "I'm putting in for a transfer, in order to stay under your command..." he responded quietly.

Shikishima's lips parted in surprise and he turned around in the swivel chair to face his comrade and friend. Sure, it was something he felt flattered by but he couldn't let him do it. It would have serious ramifications for him and no doubt cause controversy in some way, shape, or form. "Hajime, you have a promising career in the special forces," he admonished. "You could assume my old command. You could rise even higher than I ever did with your mind for tactics and your ability as a fighter. I humbly ask, as your friend, to please reconsider."

Ichijo's expression darkened and a bitter frown worked its way across his face, his eyes drifting down to the floor as he breathed a heavy sigh. "I've killed men, Mitsuo." he replied bitterly. "I've killed a lot of people in my time between Second Impact and now... but that one man I stabbed in the back when we invaded NERV... I can't stop thinking about it, about him..."

Shikishima's brow knit up as silence fell between them. He didn't dare speak. The understanding between soldiers born from shared experience and camaraderie told him it wouldn't be right. Instead he waited for his friend to continue when he was ready.

Ichijo drew a deep breath and let it out before continuing. "Even though he'd done nothing to provoke it, even though I knew our orders were bullshit, I still struck him down. I stuck my knife right through his back, right in his heart. He never saw it coming. I took his life and he probably never even knew what was happening. One minute the lights were on and the next... gone..." He paused, raising his hand and snapping his fingers with a bitter chuckle. "Just like that... an innocent life snuffed out, yet another among so many that I've taken..."

Shikishima watched as Ichijo closed his eyes and shook his head. After a moment his former subordinate spoke again. When he did, he sounded like he was about to crack, like he was about to weep... "I did it because I wanted to protect my boys, our boys..." he said, bowing his head further. "But it still eats at me, Mitsuo..."

Shikishima's frown deepened. The pain his friend was feeling was palpable. "It's okay, Hajime..." he murmured. "I understand..."

Ichijo drew a deep breath as he stared down at the ground, his face filled with regret. Shikishima sat there before him, silently watching as he collected himself. His former second in command breathed out shakily. After a moment of pause, his friend lifted his head and regarded him with a smile, standing up straight and thrusting his chin out confidently even though his eyes were glossy with tears. "So... I came to a conclusion, a resolution..." Ichijo spoke, a small smile forming on his lips. "I think it's about time I served my country by helping to build things up instead of smashing them down, sir..."

Shikishima sat in stunned silence as the gravity of those words set in for him. After a moment they induced a smile of his own. He understood exactly what Ichijo was getting at. "Very well..." he replied with an almost tender, understanding grin. "I would be honored to have you serve under me once more, Major Ichijo. I'll make the proper arrangements."

Ichijo wiped the tears from his eyes and snapped a salute, a smile worming its way across his lips. "Thank you, sir," he replied firmly. "I won't let you down, sir."

Shikishima returned the gesture. "You never have," he returned warmly with a smile.

---

Rei stood in the hallway just outside of the hospital room she'd been recovering in, taking in the sight of the snow covered geofront. She found it almost a mystical sight, the thin layer of snow on the ground holding a blue glow, illuminated by the light of the moon high above. She'd never seen snow before. It was a breathtaking sight and yet... it filled her with loneliness. Perhaps it was the desolation of the scenery but... that cold blue appearance drove home just how much things had changed, how much the world had changed, how much she'd changed...

Her ankle still ached but she was able to put some of her weight on it by now. The wounds on her back, along with their stitches, still stung but she was trying not to think about them. There were far more pressing things, things of greater gravity, on her mind. Shinji still hadn't come to see her yet. She'd waited up for him all throughout the day alone after Ritsuko left her room but he'd never shown up...

Knowing that Commander Ikari was dead, she could understand his hesitance to come see her or anyone else. She knew he must be feeling a grief that she could never fully comprehend... though she herself found herself saddened by the commander's passing the more she ruminated on it. By the end he'd actually shown genuine care for her though the distance between them remained great. It saddened her to know that her own relationship with Commander Ikari would never have the change to further improve, that things between them had ended in such a complicated state... and she knew it was far worse for the boy she loved.

Rei closed her eyes a drew a deep breath. Even though things were calmer now the road ahead seemed daunting and cold, just like the landscape before her. She knew that soon enough she'd have to face Asuka, Misato, and Suzuhara. When it came to dealing with Misato she wasn't too worried though she knew that NERV's combat director probably had a slew of questions to ask her. Suzuhara she felt genuine guilt over not being able to prevent his grievous injuries. When she finally had a chance to speak to him she would certainly apologize for how he'd suffered. Asuka... Asuka was the one of them who she was truly worried about seeing.

She reached a hand up to her throat and rested it there, remembering the feeling of her estranged friend's hands wrapped around it, grimacing. Yes... that would be a hard conversation to have, a hard reconciliation to attempt. She wanted to apologize for keeping secrets, for how she'd hurt her through lies of omission... but Asuka's wrath terrified her, especially knowing what she was capable of. That would be perhaps the hardest of amends to make. If only Shinji had come to see her already. She could use that quiet support of his. She hoped that he could be there to help her through things the way he used to...

And that was probably the most terrifying and worrisome thing on her mind... knowing that despite what happened during the battle and their moment of togetherness that he might still hold a grudge.

Rei opened her eyes and studied her faint reflection in the glass windows before her. If there was anyone she needed to reconcile with, to make things right with, an apologize to, it was him, before anyone else. If she could manage to do that then all the other tasks ahead of her would be easier to surmount... but that all hinged on him actually coming to see her. She hoped he would. She hoped that whatever he was dealing with that he could find it in himself to come visit her...

She looked up to the sky, to the hole where Tokyo 3's hanging skyscrapers once resided, where the stars and the moon now shined down upon her. Hearing his voice again, feeling his touch again, seeing his smile again... she wanted him back. She needed him back in her life... but at least she could console herself with the idea he might be looking up at the same sky she was.

"I wish you were here, Shinji..." Rei murmured softly to herself. "I miss you..."

---

The moon was shining through the windows by the balcony, casting a cold blue glow over everything around him. Shinji sat in the living room of the apartment he shared with Misato, his cassette player and the tapes his father recorded sitting beside him on the floor. His guardian had gone to sleep hours ago and he'd been up alone with his thoughts...

He's met up with Misato shortly after leaving Fuyutsuki's office. She'd tried to ask him what happened between him and the new commander of NERV but he'd been hesitant to say. As close as the two of them still were he didn't want to open up about it, and certainly didn't want to admit that he'd acted like an ass over a game of Shogi. He'd managed to keep himself closed off, the way he felt comfortable being, even if he knew it caused his guardian worry. He felt a certain amount of guilt over acting that way but he just didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone. After having his entire world flipped on its head he didn't want to talk to anyone at all, preferring to process things on his own. Hell, being forced to talk to that soldier Nakajima earlier was almost too much for him. Now he was finally alone, hoping to find peace... and yet the conflict in his heart and mind still raged.

For hours he'd tried to sleep with no avail. He'd paced around the apartment for hours, trying to calm his mind. He'd tried drinking water, watching TV, hell, he'd even snuck one of Misato's beers in the hope he'd nod out... but he still couldn't sleep. He couldn't get his mind off of the meeting he'd had with Fuyutsuki earlier in the evening. He couldn't get his mind off of the tapes he'd been given...

He shuddered and ran his hands through his hair. When he'd first gotten home he'd had the inclination to just listen to them and get it over with but the moment he'd inserted the first tape into his player he froze. The realization that these tapes and the words contained on them... they would be the last of his father that remained for him. Once he listened to them there would be nothing left, no words that his father could further share, no further wisdom or insight, nothing...

That truth was a lot for a grieving mind and heart to process...

He'd spent so much of his life thinking he detested his father while still wanting his love and praise only to finally start to receive it and throw it back in his face. Even then, even after that, his father came to save his life and gave him the push he needed when things were most dire. The conflicting feelings he was experiencing, knowing that that relationship was over and could never be improved got worse and worse the more he mulled it over. He doubted that the tapes would make a difference in that, but... if his father had meant for these things, these words, to be heard be him, he had to listen to them. He knew it probably wouldn't give him closure but... he had to listen. If he didn't he'd just be running away from reality the way he used to...

He grabbed his SDAT and lifted it up, bringing the corded earbuds attached to it to his ears. His thumb hovered over the play button. He drew a series of deep breaths, working up the courage he needed to depress it. He knew that no matter what it was that he was about to hear he probably wasn't ready for it, but then again how could he ever be? He'd been an unwitting, unwilling, and passive participant in just about every single event in his entire life... of course he wasn't prepared. But he had to change that sooner or later. One way or another, he had to assert control. That was what his father had done, even if it led him down paths of darkness. It was what he himself should have always done...

Shinji grit his teeth and pressed the play button...

---

Author's notes

The dust begins to settle... and yet things still remain tense. Things remain in a state of limbo for our cast of characters. Though there is hope for the future th road to recovery is long and full of uncertainty and anxiety. I figured it would be fitting to show just how brutal the process of picking up the pieces can truly be. It is a bit unfortunate that Shinji is so far inside his own head that he can't bring himself to reach out to the people around him, that he's afraid to go see Rei, Asuka, and Touji, but I think it's understandable considering his personality. Unfortunately for Rei, she's still no where near ready for discharge and so has no choice but to ruminate in her worries. At least our favorite pair of spies are doing alright, though they're still very much in the dark. The endgame awaits...

I'll have to admit that the plot point with the tapes Gendo left for Shinji has been something I've been very much looking forward to reaching. Yes, I know, this chapter ends in a cliffhanger but I promise you it will be worth it come the end of the next update. I'd also like to apologize... I've caught up to where I'm currently at in composing this work. I can no longer continue updating weekly after this post. Currently my life circumstances are so strenuous that I can only find a fraction of the time to write that I used to. I don't know when the next update will come but I'll do my best to produce it in a somewhat timely fashion. Trust and believe, it's driving me to madness, but a man has to eat. I hope everyone can understand.

Please read and review. All of your support means the world to me.

Regards,

A.F.