one day after the cave

Lily woke with her arms wrapped around James and pulled him closer, was being married with a child on the way what she wanted at nineteen? No, but did that mean she was going to love the little one any less also no. Lily wanted to travel, she always had planned her and Pandora would be travelling the world working different jobs in different cities every few months she wanted to sing in clubs and have adventures she wanted to fuck Pandora in various lakes and waterfalls. She often thought of Pandora; she often imagined her during intimate moments with James, sometimes his cologne would put her off though. She'd wrinkle her nose and wish she was engulfed in the lavender haze that was Pandora. Did she feel guilty about her fantasies? Yes, but most of the time she couldn't help it. Times she would try to concentrate on the fact it was James she was being intimate with they were fine too but in order to cum she had to think about girls, but that was normal right?

James was now eight weeks pregnant exactly and he was in a baby bubble piling on information he had learned from baby books and buying baby socks by the dozens. Lily had to admit the little socks were cute, she was rather fond of the little ones with ducks on them. James grabbed her hand to let her know he was awake, she kissed the back of his head and they both mumbled their good mornings. Being with James was easy and it was warm but she knew it lacked the passion she had felt with Pandora. Lily and James got along very well with each other and the house was always full of laughter and playing about. She just didn't know why she couldn't love him as she should. They made sense, now there was a baby on the way, she proposed to him the month previous when he told her they were expecting and they married two weeks later but it all lacked something. She could kiss him hard on the mouth and not feel a spark but she could talk with him for hours and feel like a warm blanket was placed over them hugging them tightly together. Something was wrong but it hardly mattered now that there was going to be a baby.

"I'm going to be sick," James announced jumping out of the bed. Lily followed him,

"Would you like water?" she asked just outside the bathroom door as he started hurling into the toilet,

"Yeah Lils, that be great thanks," he replied before spewing more vomit. Lily went into the room and grabbed an empty glass and cast aguamenti. She hurried back to the bathroom to it to give to her pregnant husband, he took it and thanked her and placed it on the ground and continued vomiting and beckoning with his hand for her to give him some privacy. Lily left the room swiftly and made her way to the backroom where her desk was. Pandora has sent her a letter the night before she may as well read and reply while James was preoccupied. She looked at the post-it on the wall saying 'Baby is the size of a raspberry' and she smiled but her heart felt strangely sore at the same time she thought back to when Pandora had the pregnancy scare.

"Ok so it's been officially eight weeks since I had a period," Pandora huffed out in the library and then looked at the floor.

"You are late?" Lily gasped feeling frantic,

"Yeah, are you angry?" Pandora's eyes were still glued to the floor.

"No, I mean if you are it's my fault but like we don't know for sure right?" Lily looked at Pandora's belly, "Your stomach is pretty much the same," Lily noted.

"Well the fetus would only be the size of a raspberry if I was so, you know stomach size hardly matters. I mean I might not be, we don't know if I am all we know is I'm late," Pandora's eyes travelled from the floor to meet Lily's eyes.

"A raspberry?" Lily smiled and then pouted,

"Yeah a raspberry, but we don't want this? I mean we want to do so much before we have kids." Pandora looked stressed so Lily pushed some of Pandora's blonde hair out of her face and kissed her cheek.

"Let's get a pregnancy test potion of Madam Pomfrey before we start spiralling ok?" Lily cooed. "A raspberry?" Lily repeated and Pandora huffed out a laugh and nodded. Of course when they got the potion and activated it Pandora was not at all pregnant, the late period had been caused by O.W.L stress. Lily felt a little glum when she realised Pandora wasn't pregnant her rational mind knew it wasn't the right time and they were still very young and had so much they wanted to do before they had a baby together but for a moment she was ready to forget about all that and have a baby with the one she loves.

Lily shook her head at the memory, there was time where the disappointment she felt was comical to her because it was so irrational but when she looked at the words 'size of a raspberry' she wondered what it would have been like if there was in fact a raspberry sized baby in Pandora's womb that they had made together out of love. It felt like someone reached into her chest and was squeezing her heart as she opened Pandora's letter, sniffing her lavender perfume and allowing herself to get lost in the scent for a few seconds. She read the letter twice, she wanted to meet up? Lily's heart was beating like crazy; she could feel the sweat gather on her forehead. Not to mention she was doing something reckless and brave? What could it be? Oh no, she didn't want her do anything like that she wanted her safe in her home painting and sending her recipes with flowers painted down the side of the paper. Lily could hardly believe this letter, meet up? Present for the baby? Was Pandora really this mature? Lily closed her eyes and wondered would she be mature if some other girl had gotten Pandora pregnant.

The thought only filled her with rage, she would have no right to be jealous of course but she wasn't sure that would stop her. The thought made her sick, anyone else touching Pandora made her feel sick, it was just wrong Pandora was Lily's and Lily was Pandora's .. only that wasn't true anymore was it? An outsider might say Lily was James' now, that just didn't feel right. James was amazing he truly, truly was and she got treated so well by him and she hoped she in turn was treating him well. She did however feel like she was just going through motions with him, she had so much love for him that she was willing to go through life with him. A life would James would be a nice life, a warm life and secure life, a life she knew many people would dream of. James and Lily had what everyone was looking for in a way: a solid supporting loving partnership filled with love and fun and friendship. They really did like each other, she wondered however when his back was turned at night was his mind filled with dark curls, the way her mind was filled with blonde ones.

'Dear Muffin,

Please be safe for me, I would seriously lose my mind if something happened to you. I will have a think about meeting up, I will consult James, see how he feels on the matter. Don't do anything stupid please Pan, I miss you too.

Yours forever,

Petal'

January 1980

Evan was thrusting hard into Barty while noises spilled from Barty's mouth. Evan reached forward and slammed his fingers into Barty's mouth who started sucking on them immediately while Evan slipped his cock in and out of Barty's ass. He commanded Barty to touch himself while he seemed to be attempting to reach the back of Barty's throat with his fingers and she slammed into him with his cock. Barty reached for his own cock and began stroking it softy on Evan's command. Barty's cock was rock hard and gone completely red standing out marvellously on his otherwise pale skin. Whimpers fell out of him as he found the pressure he was used to and stroked happily to Evans thrusts.

"Fuck," Evan breathed.

"You cum?" Barty asked without taking his own hand off his cock while Evan pulled out,

"Nah went soft," Evan informed him.

"Want me to throw it into you instead? Barty offered,

"No, it's not that, it's you know Reg," Evan told him.

"You are thinking about blood Reg while taking me up the arse?" Barty scowled,

"I am thinking about how our best friend is fucking missing and Pandora aint returning my letters neither. How can we possibly fuck when we don't know where the fuck they are!" Evan breathed.

"They say Reg chickened out, ran away. He's been funny for weeks. Apparently red knocked up Potter so Pandora is probably just sulking around the house nothing to worry about!"

"Funny for weeks? Reg has been funny since he got the bastard mark." Evan corrected him. "What are we doing Barty what are we actually doing? Regulus wouldn't ghost us would he? Something has to be wrong, Pandora would atleast reply to say she is taking time for herself. Something is wrong Barty our best friends are missing," Evan croaked.

"You don't think they offed themselves together when they heard the news about Red and Potter?" Barty said seriously,

"I mean it could be possible but they would of left a note? I checked grimmauld and we can't get into Pan's without her allowing entry with the way the charms work,"

"I wonder would we be able to get in if she was you know…"

"I can't do this, I can't fucking … I am scared, help me. I don't know what I am doing. I hate my life, I hate our life, you shouldn't of signed up for this,"

"I mean I don't know that 'this' has to do with them offing themselves but.."

"Salazar's sake Barty! Fuck it in," Evan groaned.

"Look I'll make us a cup of tea and we'll write to them both again if we hear nothing back in a few weeks we'll check Pandora's place, see if the charm is still in place." Barty sighed. Evan nodded. When Barty left the room to make tea he looked at his dark mark and cried silently. He would follow Regulus and Evan anywhere and he did and look where it had gotten them, Regulus didn't like being a death eater, Regulus didn't like anything really since Potter walked out on him. Something told Barty that his friends hadn't actually committed suicide but something else also told him that he didn't think they were alive either. He had to be brave for Evan so he wiped the tears away shut off his emotions like Regulus used to do before Potter rendered him hopeless at it and made the tea and practised how he was going to smile at Evan when handing him his cup.

February1980

James was showing now a small neat little bump had formed on his stomach and it would probably have made Lily's heart sing with joy if she hadn't been so worried about Pandora. She hadn't heard back from her since that letter about 'brave and reckless' and 'ending the war'. What had she got herself into, she was reported missing and so was Regulus Black. Lily had sat down with James and told him about the contents of the letter the previous month when he informed her Regulus was reported missing and how he hadn't heard from him since the end of December. They had sat in silence looking at opposite ends of the room before launching into a discussion if they thought Regulus and Pandora were doing something stupid together if Regulus was trying to end the war. If Pandora had been right about him all along, if they had been punishing him for something he wanted no part in, if they could have done more for him? Lily was haunted by Pandora's cries from the memory of their breakup.

"He doesn't want this Lily, he doesn't want any of it. He's just a scared kid but there is good in him he is good he doesn't want this."

"Pandora do you remember that I already had a friend who ran around with those involved in the dark arts, because that is what this is reminding me of," Lily spat,

"You are seriously comparing me to Snape?" Pandora's looked as though Lily had just slapped her. "Lily I would never call you what did, I would never dabble in dark magic,"

"I know you wouldn't call me what he did, but this is about the company you are keeping, which is where he went wrong too... REGULUS HAS THE MARK PAN!" Lily bellowed.

"I know, I know how it looks. His family they are making him he doesn't want this I know I can help him please you know him you know Regulus. Think about what you know there is good in him I promise,"

"No there is not. You know who the death eaters are targeting right?" Lily sneered.

"Lily."

"Save it. It's people like me, not only is it people like me but those like my family but of course miss pureblood doesn't have to worry it doesn't affect you Pan it affects me!"

"Lily, I am sorry. Just please, he would never choose this,"

"Me or him,"

"What? You can't make me," Pandora shook her head.

"The fuck I can't if you want to run around with scumbag death eaters stay the hell away fro me so what is it?"

"I can't. I can't leave him Lily, he's .. he's,"

"We are fucking done," Lily pushed passed Pandora and stormed away.

Their relationship had ended there and then but Lily never was able to completely stay away from Pandora. They talked occasionally in school all very formal the letters and getting close again friendship wise didn't happen until Lily left Hogwarts and felt the full force of heartache not being able to see Pandora everyday even if only to catch a glimpse of her across the tables. She was wrapped in James' arms smiling up at him while her heart was silently torn apart over another.

It never did heal

A letter came swooping in from an owl she did not recognise, she went to call for James but the letter was addressed to 'Lily Potter' she made a grab for it and studied the writing she recognised it but she knew immediately it was not Pandora's what was left of her heart sank into her stomach. She opened the letter carefully

'Red,

Congrats on the sprog. Pandora is dead. The magic that protects her house is lifted meaning she's no longer alive. You might want to tell Potter they are announcing Regulus is dead too in tomorrow's is saying he tried to get away and killed him, don't know what happened if that's true or what. Don't know if either of you even care but fuck it thought I'd write to you.

Not so much love but from,

Barty

Ps Evan sends his best, can't imagine why'

Lily could hardly believe what she was reading it took her five times reading it over to make sense of it. When she looked up from the letter the world seemed a little duller. She let out a harrowing scream James ran into the room holding his stomach.

"Lils?" he wrapped his arms around her.

"Get the fuck off me," she screamed and started ripping the letter. "FUUUUUCCCCKKKK." she bellowed tears streaming down her face.

"Lily what is going on?" James looked very concerned.

"Get out, get out, get the fuck out," she wanted to push him but resisted as he was carrying their baby. He back away from her he looked terrified. She felt bad she didn't want to scare him.

"Where did Regulus tell you the death eater meetings are,"

"Where is this coming from?" he asked timidly.

"WHERE THE FUCK DO THEY MEET!"

"He let slip once it was Malfoy Manor but a lot of us order members tried getting in the wards won't let us in. They were too strong," Lily got up to grab her wand. Regulus and Pandora had gone missing at the same time they were doing the same thing if Voldemort killed Regulus he killed Pandora and she wasn't going to stop until she was through the wards and killing Voldemort. "Lily whats going on?" he breathed.

"Look, you may want to go to Sirius' and let him know Regulus is dead,"

"What?" something shifted in James' expression but he rearranged his face quickly.

"Pan is gone, Regulus is gone. He is Sirius' brother it's better coming from you than it is the daily prophet. Sirius is going to need you so please just go,"

"Pandora is? Lily come with me to Sirius' yeah. Remus will be there," James' face was full of tears he was clearly trying to hold back.

"I don't give a fuck who will be there James," she said grabbing her wand. "Go be there for your friend his brothers dead they are both fucking dead James. Dead its our fucking fault for leaving them it's your fault and my fault and I AM NOT GOING TO SIT HERE PLAYING HAPPY FAMILIES WHEN WE COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS,"

"Lily, I don't know what you want me to say? We didn't do anything! He was the one who.." James closed his eyes.

"Pandora tried to tell us he needed help and we walked away and now they are both dead." Lily let out one more scream before grabbing her wand and apperating to outside Malfoy manor. She began trying to bring the wards down with spells. Screaming them and crying and using every bit of energy she can muster. She was shouting into the sky and casting spells one after the other crying and hoping she'd just burst so she didn't have to feel the pain anymore. She kept seeing blonde hair and freckled nose, bright eyes and brighter smile, she saw glimpses of midnight dances and stolen kisses. Pandora burned so fucking bright she smelt like lavender but she was ultraviolet she was the kind of girl you read about in books she had messy hair and thirsty heart she was captivating she was the only person Lily ever loved in that way she realised and she cast yet another spell. She was gone and the world would never be the same. She cast spell after spell failing and screaming before collapsing into someone's arms.

"James?" she said weakly

"Try again," came a familiar voice

"Remus," she wrapped her arms around his neck and started sobbing.

"Lily, I love you but what the hell are you thinking?"

"That she's dead and I love her and I am going to kill him for it,"

"Kill who?"

"Voldemort,"

"You think if you got in there and he was there you could kill him and make it out alive?" Remus asked running his hands through Lily's hair.

"No, I think I could definitely kill him, how I feel right now but there is chance his death eaters would all kill me after," Lily said without any emotion in her voice.

"And what about baby?" Remus kissed the side of her head,

"I love that kid more than anything but he has James he'll be fine," Lily told him.

"He needs you Lily, as does James."

"I think I'm invalidating James by being with him," Lily admitted,

"Hmm?"

"I think I am a lesbian, Remus and James is a man. I know he is queer but if he was fully gay what would you tell him about being with me? I don't want to invalidate him, Remus. I care about him, but beyond that I wouldn't want to invalidate any trans man," she confessed.

"I know you would never do that Lily, did you just not realise it till now?"

"I don't think I accepted it till now but when things started with James I was interested in getting with men too I just …"

"So you were bicurious and then figured out you were lesbian. Thats your journy Lily and if you talk to James about it I mean he'll be sad but I am sure he will understand you can't be with a man if you are a lesbian," Remus said gently. Lily sobbed hard into the crook of Remus' neck.

"I've gone and fucking got him pregnant before I came to this conclusion I am such a fuck up."

"No, Lily you aren't. It may not be ideal but I know you and James wouldn't change that little one for anything no matter what," Remus reminded her,

"I love the baby so much," Lily sobbed. "I don't want him to hate me, I don't want either of them too,"

"No one could ever hate you Lily," Remus held her a little closer. "Not anyone who knows you the way James knows you and certainly not your son."

"Remus, I love her so much and she's gone. She wanted to meet me, she wanted to give a present for the baby, why is she so perfect I would have thrown a wobbler and gone on a six week bender if she was ever to have a baby with someone." Lily felt like such a bad person but she couldn't even dwell on that now when she felt something was trying to tear her apart from the inside out Pandora was gone and there was no stronger feeling than the loss of her. Remus rocked her muttering 'I knows' and kissing her temple. She closed her eyes and thought about the summer they met up at the lake. Summer 1977 or as Lily would remember it 'Our last summer'

"Pandora you look so hot in that in moon bikini!" Marlene called over and Lily flashed her a dangerous look.

"No gawking at my girlfriend allowed, thank you very much!" Lily exclaimed. Marlene chuckled and threw her arm around Dorcas who was in a red bikini. Lily's breasts grew a little from estrogen potions but when she turned 17 she was allowed to take a potion to make them grow properly so she was finally confident in a striped bikini with full breasts. She was given the option to take a position that would turn her penis into a vagina also but she held off on that she was going to take that after her and Pandora had their three children in their 30's. Pandora cannon balled into the lake, James and Sirius copying her almost insatnly. Regulus was on a rock reading a book it was sunny but he wore long sleeves, Lily was at the time curious as to why. Remus sat with his legs half in the lake and Marlene and Dorcas took their place at either side of them. Mary dived into the lake, Lily thought she looked sexy. Pang of guilt for feeling that but she couldn't be too angry at herself for having eyes, she would never act on it anyway not when Pandora was perfect.

"Come into the water with me and my sexy moon bikini," Pandora teased.

"I mean it is sexy Lils,"

"Watch it McKinnon," Lily warned before flinging herself into the water in the most unsexiest fashion known to the human race. Pandora still swam right over and pulled her tight. "Should I have tucked," Lily whispered.

"Not if you didn't want to," Pandora shrugged,

"Yeah but other people might be-"

"I'm going to stop you there, no one who is here with us is going to be uncomfortable and anyone else doesn't really matter besides no one else seems to even be here," Pandora noted.

"You sure?"

"Positive, sometimes trans women have bulges. It is not a big deal, you are valid Lily," Pandora kissed her cheek.

"I do like your moon bikini," Lily commented.

"I like the moon. Oh if we have a daughter can we name her Luna?" Pandora asked happily.

"Luna sounds nice," Lily agreed. Sirius came up behind them and pulled Lily away,

"I am stealing your woman," he announced.

"I say unhand her swine." Pandora joked.

"I am taking her to my castle where she shall be my bride," Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius' foolishness.

"And what does your stable-boy have to say about that?"

"Why am I the stable-boy?" Remus called over, "Is this another 'poor boy' joke?"

"When you marry me young stable boy no one will ever make a poor boy joke about you again young Lupin," Sirius proclaimed,

"I thought I was to be your bride?" Lily teased.

"Hmm on second thoughts Pandora can have you. I have a dashing young man waiting," he pushed lily through the water over to Pandora who caught her and gave her a kiss. She felt the noise of Sirius talking even more nonsense drown out in the background as she got lost in Pandora's kiss. She felt light and carefree like she could float away. Pandora had that effect.

"Reg, do you want to see me do a underwater handstand?" James called over

"Sure," Regulus closed his book.

"Ok I dedicate this to you!" James said proudly going over to a more shallow part of the lake and proceeding to do the most wobbly handstand possible which was over seconds after it started and James ended up swallowing some lake water by accident and choking after. Pandora still called,

"Well done James!" happily and clapped while he was coughing and spitting the water out once right side up. Regulus still looked at him like he was the reason the sun was shining. Lily though she looked at Pandora like she was the reason the sky was blue, like she painted the clouds white and made them fluffy. Like maybe it was her warmth heating the world today. Lily was lucky to be wrapped around her oh she was lucky to breathe the same air as her.

"Let me take you to Sirius'" Remus said, finally taking her away from the memory.

"I can't face James,"

"You two need each other right now. You know who needs us both right now? Sirius, he might talk a big talk about Regulus meaning nothing to him but he loved his brother, probably more than I can imagine. Yes in a complicated way, he felt so much anger for him sure, that's undeniable but who could blame him for that? But when he gets too drunk he always say's Regulus was always going to be his little brother, so I think we should go check on him," Remus scooped Lily up. As she waited for Remus to appreciate them back to his and Sirius' flat the only thing she knew for certain was nothing was going to be the same again.