BOY WHO LIVED SORTED INTO SLYTHERIN!

By Beatrice Lola Yang, Hogwarts Gazette reporter

In a stunning turn of events, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was sorted into Slytherin house, the house of the murderer of his parents. This reporter can verify that there was no tampering with the Sorting Hat, who, when questioned about the sorting, threatened to render her completely unable to even think about enchiladas (her favorite food) without experiencing a sensation of pure agony if she dared question its integrity ever again.

Harry's sorting was not the only unexpected sorting into the Slytherin House of the day. Hermione Granger was the first Muggleborn to be sorted into Slytherin since You Know Who's initial rise and Ron Weasley was the first member of the Weasley family to be sorted in Slytherin in the past ninety years. When asked to give a quote regarding his brother's sorting, Percy Weasley jumped off a moving staircase rather than speak to the press in a stunning act of cowardice, which must have been as painful literally as it was to watch metaphorically. However, Fred and George Weasley, speaking interchangeably in a deliberate effort to antagonize this reporter, said, more or less, "Whatever house he may be in, Ron is still our brother and no one has the right to mercilessly taunt him but us."

We reached out to Drs. Danielle and Emmet Granger, Hermione's parents, who gave us this statement: "We are of course proud of our daughter, though her house is not particularly relevant to us. Just like the mighty ibex, if she falls, it will only be so that she may rise again to higher heights." Though this reporter is unfamiliar with this particular expression, and neither are any of our Muggleborn staff members, we can only assume this is a kind gesture of support.

Professor Aurora Sinistra, manifesting out of nowhere through unknown means in our newsroom the instant one of our staff suggested interviewing her, said "You will rue the day you ever crossed Aurora Sinistra, Herr von Falkenburg!" Then she blinked and appeared to remember where she was. "I mean, I am exceptionally proud to be hosting a Muggleborn student once more. Slytherin may have a reputation for bigotry, but that reputation will soon be destroyed." She shook her fist in the air. "All enemies of the glorious new era that Slytherin will bring into being will be destroyed," she added in a sepulcher tone.

"Could you, um, maybe elaborate on that?" this reporter asked.

"No," Professor Sinistra intoned and then she disappeared in a huge flash of light.

Slytherin house is, of course, notorious for its bigotry against Muggleborns during the era of You Know Who, a stigma dating back to the days of its founder, Salazar Slytherin, who purportedly left Hogwarts amid a dispute between him and the other founders regarding whether or not Muggleborn students should be let into the school. However, Bathilda Bagshot, noted historian and author of first year history textbook, A History of Magic, believes there is more to that account than meets the eye.

"Of course you have to take into account the context of the era," Bagshot explained. "Many peasants targeted mages – both real mages and Muggles mistaken for mages – during the founding times, despite the official stance of the Church that mages did not exist. As such, Slytherin may not have been motivated by hatred so much as legitimate security concerns of taking in students with parents who may, as the Bible so vividly says, suffer not a witch to live."

Much of what we know of the Founder's time is shrouded in mystery, but there is no doubt Slytherin House has been a hostile place for Muggleborns, with overall fewer Muggleborns sorted there than any other house. However, there have been periods of history where Muggleborns were tolerated and sometimes even embraced. Nobby Leach, the first and thus far only Muggleborn Minister of Magic, serving between 1962 and 1968, was a member of Slytherin House. Muggleborn Slytherin Sir Ignatius Calvin Kendall, one of the most premiere epidemiologists of the magical world, discovered a smallpox vaccine two years before the Muggles and is believed to have worked behind the scenes to accelerate the invention of the Muggle vaccine.

In the past millennia, Slytherin has been noted for zigging where others expected it to zag. Just when people think they've gotten a handle on Slytherin House, that is when the Sorting Hat changes everything around. Cunning and ambition are traits that are universal and constant. Not every ambition, however, is particularly grand. Harry Potter's ambition, much to the surprise of this reporter, is to run a fish and chips shop.

"That's it?" this reporter asked him incredulously. "You don't want to be, like, Minister of Magic? Or slay dragons? Or discover even more uses of dragon's blood?"

"What the heck have dragons ever done to me?" Harry demanded. "Do you have some sort of grudge against them? Did a dragon kill your sister and now you've sworn a blood oath against the entire draconic community? Cause if that's the case, then my condolences, but dragons are awesome, so I really can't help you."

This reporter coughed and tried to direct Harry discreetly back onto the track of the actual question at hand. This happens quite a lot, this reporter has found. Harry believes he has what the muggles refer to as ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, meaning he has, among other things, problems on focusing not enough and sometimes too much.

"Look, I'm just a normal kid," Harry said, seemingly ignoring the fact he survived a Killing Curse when such a thing was widely considered to be impossible. "I have normal dreams. I'm sorry if that's a disappointment. I'm sorry if you were expecting some sort of titanic battle of good versus evil. But that's not going to happen. I'm not a child of prophecy or a chosen one. I'm not the lord of multiple houses or heir to Merlin or whatever Chemtrailsarereal style ridiculousness people come up with next. I'm just Harry Potter."

"And what do you say to people who think you're insulting the memory of your parents by not being sorted into Gryffindor house?"

At this point, Harry swung his arms, with clenched fists, from the back of his body to the front on each side in a movement several of this reporter's Muggleborn contemporaries referred to as a "floss" and announced that "haters" could "get rekt" [sic]. Then he gave a rude gesture and backflipped away.

Not everyone is so pleased at having Harry in Slytherin as he is. Headmaster Dumbledore expressed grave concerns about Harry being placed in a house "subsumed by darkness." He lamented that such an action did not serve the "greater good" and when asked what that meant, he just looked at this reporter with pure puzzlement, called her by a completely different name and said, "It is for the greater good that the greater good not be defined."

Far be it from this reporter to speculate on the headmaster's mental state, but things are not looking good for him. Or greater good.

When asked about what she expected to see from Harry in the future, Divination professor Sybill Trelawney levitated into the air, smoke came out of her mouth, and she said in a portentous tone "WHEN THE MOON IS IN THE SEVENTH HOUSE AND JUPITER ALIGNS WITH MARS, THEN PEACE WILL GUIDE THE PLANETS AND LOVE WILL STEER THE STARS." Then she floated away. We can only assume Professor Trelawney either is foreseeing an age of prosperity brought upon by the return of Muggleborns to Slytherin or she has completely lost whatever scant marbles she previously possessed.

Though these are not the only options. When asked his opinion about which of these options he considered to be correct, newly appointed Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor Quirinus Quirrell said, "Both. Both is good."

I had the strangest dream last night. Some of you will probably think I made it up. To which I say, WELL DUH I MADE IT UP. That's why it's called a frigging dream! Still, it was a really strange and vivid one and I can't help but think that maybe it meant something. It couldn't have been real, but maybe it was? But then again, it'd be a bit conceited of me if it was.

What made it stand out was how spectacularly vivid it was. I remember all of it right now. I tend to remember my dreams more than most, but this one took the cake. I was back in the great hall. There was a huge storm outside and, thus, inside as well what with the enchanted ceiling. The ceiling was raining on me, which wasn't particularly polite of it. (It also doesn't match up with reality, because the actual enchanted ceiling doesn't do that.) A puddle of water formed in front of the staff table.

"Harry Potter," a clear, ringing voice that sounded like a pinging sound on the very finest crystal called out. A figure rose out of the water, a regal woman with her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite. I could not tell you what she looked like, merely that she was stunningly pretty. She did not, alas, hold up Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine right that I was to carry it. But then again, I've always believed supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony.

"You've finally arrived to take up your mantle," the woman said dramatically. "As Heir to Hogwarts. The descendant of all four founders! The Chosen One of legend!"

I burst into laughter. I couldn't help myself. This was the most ridiculous, clichéd dialogue I've heard in ages. Like, honestly, by this point, with how deeply people tend to intermingle in a thousand years, I'm sure most of Britain, magical and Muggle, is a descendant of the Founders. I'm sure I'm nothing special. And even if I was, there's, like, thousands of different alternatives.

"Come on!" I said through my laughter. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! And who are you, anyway, the Lady of the Lake?"

"I am the spirit of Hogwarts," the woman said ethereally. She cleared her throat and knocked on the staff table pointedly. "I said, I am the spirit of Hogwarts," the alleged spirit said in an echoey tone, the words reverberating against the walls of the hall.

I rolled my eyes. "This dream is stupid. And it's unoriginal. And it's boring." The spirit arched her eyebrow in a Vulcanic fashion. "Look, lady, let's say, for example, I did have a special destiny. If I had special Heir superpowers or whatever, with no checks and balances, I might add, it'd make things dull. It's the struggle that matters, the fight against evil. If I just plowed my way through obstacles, it wouldn't be anywhere near interesting."

The spirit tilted her head and then grinned. She snapped her fingers and then the image of the ethereal and stereotypical spirit of legend was gone. In its place was a person of maybe prefect age and indeterminate gender with facial features that were constantly shifting. "Well done, Harry," the person said in a very androgynous tone. "You figured it out in far less time than your father…and your mother never figured it out at all."

"Who are you?" I demanded. "And what are your pronouns?"

The person gave a laugh that sounded high pitched and grating. "As I said, I really am Hogwarts. Pronouns they/them, I think, though I don't care if you use other ones. Buildings tend to get sentient after long enough or if there's enough emotions connected to them. Remind me to tell you about my torrid affair with Buckingham Palace when you're old enough."

"I think that'll be never," I decided. "So what the heck is all this?"

Hogwarts snapped their fingers and I was in the Slytherin common room. With a lazy wave of their hand, they set a fire going in the fireplace. "I like to test people with that whole child of destiny spiel. It's really depressing how many people decide to go mad with power."

I shrugged, totally unbothered. There was a reason, after all, why people didn't give eleven year olds unlimited power. "Whatevs," I said sagely and plopped on the couch. "Did I pass?"

"With flying colors," Hogwarts said with a smirk. "But I've rarely had anyone who passed by just…being completely apathetic to the prospect of being powerful."

"I'm a very realistic person," I told them. "I just figured I was dreaming and didn't want to get my hopes up. Anyway, I refuse to believe any of this is real." Hogwarts's eyes glittered with mirth. Not twinkling like Dumbledore does. Just glittering. There's a difference. Don't ask me what it is. It's just obvious.

Hogwarts did a handstand on the sofa across from me and then plopped onto the seat. They looked like they were about to burst into laughter. "Look, Harry, I've seen hundreds of thousands of students walk through these halls. I've seen into their minds; I knew their beings. Only thirty thousand of them ever passed my test. Only nine hundred figured it out the first time around. That's esteemed company you're in."

"Any famous names in that bunch?" I wondered.

"Ironically, Albus Dumbledore," Hogwarts said. "He's changed since then, though." They sighed. "He's not an evil man, but he's not well at all. He's having…difficulties mentally."

"He's going senile," I surmised.

Hogwarts scowled. "It's really quite painful to watch. You should have seen him in his prime. A stronger fighter for good, there's never been. But he's been descending headfirst into paranoia and insanity. He had potions to slow the decline, but…their brewer refuses to continue brewing them."

"Snape?"

Hogwarts nodded. "That's why Albus gave him such leeway. But Snape's luck ran out and now Albus's mental state has dropped precipitously. I fear you are in danger…though, in all honesty, I truly find the prospect still difficult to believe. I am guessing – and considering how much of human nature I have seen, my guesses tend to be very good – that he would not turn his wand on you no matter how tempted he may be. But if I am wrong…"

Was that actually a tear I saw in the corner of Hogwarts's eyes? Now that was a disturbing thought. "Alas, there is little I can do to directly interfere," Hogwarts lamented. "I have a great deal of latitude to protect the students from outside threats, but the internal ones, not as much, especially the headmaster. I have only this advice to give you: your weakness can be a strength."

Ugh. More cryptic bullshit. I hate dreams like this. Give me one where I'm surfing, thank you so very much! "Thanks for that," I said sarcastically. "If you'd care to return me to my regularly scheduled dreaming schedule…?"

"I shall, with one warning: Do not let your irreverence turn into arrogance. Your mother refused to let limits define her. It was her greatest strength – and her greatest weakness. Some limits exist for reasons."

"You didn't like Mum?" I asked tentatively.

"It would be gauche in the extreme to speak ill of the dead to their orphan," Hogwarts said, and that pretty much answered my question now that I think about it. "To your dreams you return, Mr. Potter."

They snapped their fingers and that was the end of that dream. Anyway, like I said, it was just a dream and not real. I mean, it's not like Hogwarts told me anything new. Dumbledore's a senile lunatic? Well, duh. I only decided to put it in the blog because I thought it might be funny for all of you to see.

Speaking of the blog, a lot of people think it's…impossible for some reason. Like, I've had a dozen people tell me it's impossible for electricity to work at Hogwarts. You know what I have to say to them? My mobile bloody works. Whatever theories you have are obviously wrong. Maybe electronic devices don't work for you because you believe they don't, have you ever heard of that? I mean, come on, how can electricity not work here? According to Hermione, who's a certified genius, the brain runs on electrical impulses. Could we even be alive if electricity didn't work at Hogwarts?

Wait, what if we're not alive?! What if we're all dead and this is some weird purgatory?! No, Harry, calm down. You've got to get your head back in the game. Purgatory is supposed to be boring; it's not as awesome as Hogwarts.

Hogwarts is a pure wonder. Moving staircases, moving portraits, moving suits of armor, there are a lot of inanimate objects that like to move it, move it. I've been taking lots of pictures for your edification, much to the horror of the staff. Multiple staff members have told me that the blog is a total violation of the Statute of Secrecy and ordered me to take it down, to which I say you can pry this blog out of my cold dead hands. And if I am dead and in purgatory, you can then pry it out of my cold undead hands. Okay. Focus. Pictures.

[Image descriptions: A variety of pictures taken of the various moving staircases, classrooms, Slytherin common room, ceilings and in one case whose context escapes me, a rubber chicken with eyes that appear to see straight through your soul.]

One thing I don't like about this place is the way everyone keeps staring and whispering at me. To be fair, it's probably more of the Boy Who Lived thing than the whole Slytherin thing, but the Slytherin thing didn't help. We have to wear these dumb uniforms with pointy hats that makes us all look like the Wicked Witch of the West. Did whoever designed her somehow know about these uniforms or is it a coincidence? Inquiring minds want to know! Getting back on track, the uniforms for each house match the house colors and I think that's just not nice. It just means us Slytherins get ostracized more.

It's really sad to watch. People look at me like I'm going to eat their soul and I would never do something like that because souls probably taste terrible and also it would be wrong. I'm not a bad guy. I've never done anything evil in my life. But people look at me like I'm Dudley and it's absolutely bloody sickening. We have a lot of work to do.

I also have a lot of homework to do, which neatly segues into my review of the classes! If any professors are reading this, I have a right to free speech, I'm sure, and I will vigorously fight any punishments given because I'm criticizing you. I warn you, I'm abnormally persistent and I'm also a celebrity now, so I've got that going in my favor.

Herbology is basically horticulture/biology and it's not really especially magical. The teacher is nice though, with the suspiciously apropos name of Professor Sprout. Sprout (and, no, Hermione, I'm not going to use the professor title on my blog all the time) is the head of Hufflepuff house so I was worried she might be biased, but she's actually quite fair. She told me she was pleased I was trying to improve Slytherin's reputation. Apparently, the two houses got along surprisingly well back in the day before Snape drove it into the ground.

History of Magic is absolutely fascinating, but I'm literally the only one who thinks that. Everyone around me is napping, but I just can't help but listen to the history of a whole other world, occurring right under our noses, and think it's the coolest thing ever. Most people find Professor Binns (and darn it, he deserves that title) to be soporific (thanks to Hermione for helping me find that word), but something about him brings out the hyperfocus in me. We'll see if that lasts. It doesn't always.

Charms is very interesting and useful, but I'm not impressed with the teacher, who fell off the pile of books he was standing on in shock when he read my name on the role call, despite knowing very well I was there. He's also the head of Ravenclaw House so…kind of glad I wasn't sorted into there.

Transfiguration is…well, I want to do well there, because it seems extraordinarily helpful, but I'm finding it very difficult to focus in there. And McGonagall seems to bear a grudge against me. Apparently, my parents were her favorite students and she thinks I'm insulting their memory by being placed into Slytherin. She seems to be picking on me a bit, but I can't say it's for things I'm not doing wrong, so I'm going to wait until things escalate before I do something about it. Maybe I can talk some sense into her. Though I'm not very good at that.

Defense Against the Dark Arts is precisely as good as I thought it was going to be, which is to say absolutely terrible. Quirrell cannot teach his way out of a paper bag. He's frightened of his own shadow and I honestly feel like I would probably do a better job of teaching the class. At least he doesn't really pay attention to anything the students are doing, allowing me and Ron to joke around to our heart's content. To add insult to injury, the awful smell of garlic gives me a constant headache.

And potions…potions is odd. Apparently, I really dodged a bullet by not being taught by Snape, who not only was driving Slytherin into ruin but hated my father was a burning passion according to Professor Sinistra. But while O'Neill is a really, really good teacher, there's something about him that gives me the willies. There's something about him that seems off. And even more annoyingly, I just can't put my finger on it! He seems nervous, but not at Quirrell levels. More like he's waiting for something to happen and it keeps on not happening and thus his anxiety is building and building with no relief. I'm keeping an eye on that guy. He's hiding something.

O'Neill isn't the only one who's acting oddly, though. Hagrid invited me for a cup of tea and a chat. Being the sociable fellow I am, I obviously invited Ron and Hermione. I haven't heard from Hagrid since I got sorted, so I was worried he might bear a grudge against me for being in Slytherin, which would honestly hurt, because Hagrid was the first person who really gave a damn about me. But it turns out I had nothing to worry about, because Hagrid was a Slytherin himself!

"'Course that was years and years ago," Hagrid said vaguely. "Feels like a whole other life. Well, the three of you look cold. Why don't I make some borscht." He looked at Hermione as if that was supposed to mean something to her. It clearly didn't.

As Hagrid started puttering away on the stove, he kept on making very odd comments about Russia to Hermione, like asking her opinion about the Ukraine war ("or maybe your parents call it a special military operation, eh?!" he said as if this was supposed to be a smoking gun) or asking her opinion on Crime and Punishment, though Hermione completely misinterpreted what he meant by this and started chattering away about various judicial cases to Hagrid's bewilderment.

"What the heck?" Ron whispered to me.

"I don't know, mate," I whispered back. "Maybe he's distracting himself from doing a green scare by doing a red one?"

To distract myself, I picked up a newspaper lying on Hagrid's table and if I'd been drinking anything, I would have spit it out at the circled article, one pertaining to a break in at Gringotts.

"Hagrid!" I shouted. "This break-in, that was on my birthday! We were there! Do you think the goblins might suspect us?" I paled as I recalled how upset the goblins had been when I took pictures in the lobby. What if they were suspecting me of casing the joint?!

"I'm sure everything will be fine," Hagrid said slowly, as if bewildered I had leapt to that conclusion. "Um, but aren't you curious about what was stolen?"

I stared at him. "To heck with that! They didn't rob my vault. I need to find a lawyer! Come on, guys!" I hightailed it out of the hut and a bemused Ron and Hermione followed suit.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR BORSCHT?!"

COMMENTS

slyther1nhousehead: Do not overly concern yourself, Mr. Potter, about what you write about your professors in this blog. So long as you are not vulgar or slanderous towards them, you are allowed to express negative viewpoints without repercussions. I will be your advocate if such repercussions are nevertheless attempted.

Thanks, Professor Sinistra! You're the best!

1sabelcheatham: Harry, my name is Isabel Cheatham, of the law firm Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe, Diagon Alley. I know it sounds presumptuous of me, but I'd like you to consider our firm in the event you have legal issues that need to be dealt with. As a former Slytherin myself, it warms my heart to see someone such as yourself trying to redeem our foul reputation. Also, don't worry about the goblins going against you; my sources in Gringotts inform me you're not under investigation.

Phew! What a relief! Thanks for letting me know, Ms. Cheatham. I'll ask around and see what other people have to say about you, but assuming you all check out, I wouldn't mind hiring you if there's a need.