Redux-Worth Fighting For

by Lunaschild2016

Committed to their city and faction, both were driven by their pasts and loyalties. Duty and orders were no longer enough and they both found more than they had hoped for. They found something worth fighting for. Eric/OC Divergent AU (Language, Romance, Sexual Content, Angst, Tragedy)

7. The Way That I Am

Disclaimer: I still do not own the divergent universe..that is all V Roth. I am still just the girl throwing stick figures into her thunder dome.

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Chapter 6 - The Way That I Am

Kat

My morning has taken a turn I couldn't have ever predicted, not even in my wildest dreams.

There was no way that I could have predicted my attempt to get away from all the thoughts that were keeping me awake would result in the person I was trying to not think about most turn up as if I summoned him. There was also no way that I could have predicted what happened when he did turn up.

First of all, was my reaction to him. I should have been uncomfortable, or at least a lot more uncomfortable than I was, but I found myself unable to conjure up that feeling. In fact, I enjoyed him being here with me during my self-training.

Yes, he did most certainly intimidate me but in a way that seems to push me to do better. He circles me, watching with eyes that feel like he is stripping away everything I use as my defenses. He doesn't give me time to feel defensive or self-conscious either. He's all business as he instructs me. Sometimes physically guiding me through adjustments by using his hands or feet. He isn't gentle in the way he does this, but he isn't exactly unkind either.

It's rough and firm with a no-nonsense and demanding manner, and I try with all my might not to let the flutter and tingling his touch produces in me to show. This is slightly harder to control with the rush of things flooding my body right now and it is completely betraying me.

Adrenaline is flooding me, my skin is buzzing with electricity and I feel energized, refreshed even, despite my lack of sleep. This is all translating into the energy I put into the activity.

The fact that my breathing is labored, my skin is flushed and my heart rate is through the roof can all, thankfully, be attributed to the physical activity. Eric might also just put it down to my obvious excitement of being in Dauntless finally and in the middle of my first session of real training. It's kind of hard for him to not pick up on that when I even made a comment that I was impatient for this morning to get here and had tried to talk my friends into doing a sparring session after lunch yesterday.

What I can't handle, and had not expected at all, are the ways that my body is reacting to his presence and touch that I have never experienced before. Like the fact that my nipples have started to harden underneath the material of the sports bra or the sparks that radiate from whatever place he touches straight to my stomach and where a ball of tension has started to form.

I refuse to let any of that get in the way. Having this time with a leader of my faction and my instructor is a rush for me. I want to pick his brain on anything I can think of. Like, some of the moves I've learned about from various places. Ones I've read about or have tried to piece together with ones I already know to form new ones. His response is more than I could have hoped for.

He actually seems to get excited as well.

His excitement is clearly not as obvious as mine, he doesn't show it like I am. But there is a light to his blue eyes that makes them shimmer slightly. His lips start to move from smirks to small smiles and there are even a few chuckles thrown into the mix.

Then the ultimate happens. He actually stops me from just trying to show him the moves using the bag, and has me use him.

Eric starts to spar with me!

His method of sparring and his fighting style is frightening but completely intoxicating in the fact that it shows me just how much I still don't know. It shows me how far I still have to go. This should be upsetting or disheartening but I can't help but feel excited about it.

I've loved being able to spar against my friends over the last three years but our sessions had to be restricted and were infrequent, especially when we were still going to classes and I had much less time to sneak away. Then there was the factor of being limited in the things we could do because I still had to maintain some semblance of secrecy and I couldn't do that if I was too injured.

Not to mention that there is also the fact that my friends are novices too. Even though they've had more practice than me, they still haven't had the type of training that we're all about to get. I didn't realize this before Lynn admitted it but Dauntless-born don't get official training while still dependents. They are allowed to only certain training rooms and only at times when a member is present. Some families start training their kids early but on the whole dependents do a lot of independent training.

So, getting this early glimpse into what's possible fuels the fire in me to soak up all of what Eric is offering right now. To take advantage of this opportunity because the chances of it coming along again are slim. I know this isn't exactly something that should be going on. I should feel guilt or shame about it, but I just can't bring myself to feel a bit of that right now. My eagerness and excitement are able to do what I hadn't been able to do for myself, and they drive out the thoughts and feelings of my growing attraction to Eric.

That is, they were gone until now. They've chosen to surge back to life now that I'm straddling him and he has the most beautiful smile on his face as he looks up at me.

I swear, I didn't mean to end up in this position, it just happened after he practically dared me to go at him with anything and everything I have.

So, I decided on a spur of the moment to execute a move that popped into my head. It worked out well, almost a little too well. It took him off balance like I hoped and I was able to follow that through and get him to the ground. The rest of the move was designed to have me deliver a final blow to put him out of the fight, but I knew we weren't going that far in our sparring.

There weren't any other thoughts in my mind about the position we find ourselves in until that damn smile makes its way on his face and I swear, I feel like my knees turn to jelly. Which, I guess it's a good thing I am currently sitting, just not that it's on top of him.

I have the urge to lean forward and press myself, along with my lips, against his perfect and full ones. I want to run my hands through that perfectly styled hair that is just begging me to mess it up. I seriously think I might be in danger of doing just that as he laughs and smiles at me.

Then a loud shrill beeping starts to emit from the watch on his wrist and breaks the pull I was under, saving me from making a complete fucking idiot of myself.

It leaves me flustered but I try to handle things without showing it. He doesn't make a big deal of where we left things off at and seems to still be amused as I help him up off the floor. Not that he needed it, but I offered my hand and before I could pull it back when I realized how ridiculous that is, it was already engulfed in his.

"What time is it?" I ask him after he's standing. I move away from him and take quiet calming breaths while I move over to where my empty water bottle and jacket are on the ground.

Eric follows closely behind me, grabs the bag he brought to the training room and throws it over his shoulder before looking at the watch on his wrist. The smile that was there just moments ago is gone and a slight frown is tugging the sides of his mouth as he checks the time.

"It's forty-five past 0600 hours. I don't know what time you started, but I can guess you've been going at it pretty hard for a while. And that's not even counting what we were doing together." His arm drops as he takes a few steps forward. His tone is stern and almost disapproving, making me flush in embarrassment. Then his hand finds the small of my back and I'm being guided forward, my body just following along with his unspoken command as he looks down at me from my side and continues speaking. "You also have a long day ahead of you too. Skipping meals won't be allowed if you want to keep up strength."

The command is obvious by the tone and the way he gives me no time to argue before we're already out of the training room, but I feel the need to respond in some way instead of just looking like a deer in headlights.

I nod at him with a small smile that hopefully doesn't look too strained. "I could use the breakfast if lunch is at the midway point."

His lips tilt back up and I can see the pleasure my acceptance causes in him. I can also guess that the fact that he doesn't let his hand drop from my back and he keeps me going along on the same course he's set for, it's assumed I will be joining him.

The entire last few minutes has me flustered. In fact, I'm so flustered that I don't realize where we are until I hear him pressing a code into the security pad of the door we are standing in front of and I realize that it's a residential door.

Holy shit! We're at his apartment?

I swallow briefly and stare at the black door as if it has the answers for the thoughts and questions running through my mind in a rush.

Surely it can't be proper for me to be going to anyone's apartment when I'm still not officially a member, right? Not to mention the apartment belongs to a freaking leader!

I think about refusing until my eyes move from the spot they had been stuck on and over to Eric.

He's watching me closely, shoulders tensed and some expression in his eyes I don't fully recognize. But I can see, at least, that he's waiting for me to make a decision. That he's leaving this completely up to me and won't press me one way or the other.

He doesn't seem to think this is inappropriate, going by the fact that we're still standing here together. From all I do know about him so far, he doesn't seem to be the type that would risk his position by doing anything that would be against the rules. He certainly wouldn't be the type to take such a risk on someone like me.

It's not like I'm worried that he's going to want to try anything with me in a sexual way. The thought of that is truly laughable.

Last night showed me where I stand when it comes to attracting the opposite sex, and Eric is so far out of my league it's not even funny. That fact does sting a little but it helps to reassure me, giving me the courage to make the decision I think I already knew was going to happen.

I did enjoy our morning together and I would like more time to pick his brain. Getting another smile from him wouldn't be the worst thing in the world either. What could it hurt?

I shrug casually with a smile and it seems that's all he needs to move forward. His hand was already on the door handle with it partially turned, he opens the door fully and motions me to go in ahead of him. I step in slowly as I'm greeted with the sound of someone else in the apartment. They are moving around what I discover to be the kitchen area.

Zach is the one that walks out into the living room portion of the big open space and looks at me. He clearly wasn't expecting anyone to be with Eric, judging by the way his eyes widen the tiniest amount when they land on me. He smiles at me widely even through the surprise he is obviously feeling.

"Well, I guess we've got another person joining us today." He chuckles easily and says with jovial acceptance when the smile turns almost reassuring to me. He moves forward towards me and helps to guide me into further into the apartment while Eric is setting his bag down behind us. "Would you like some coffee?" He asks with that smile still in place.

We reached a dining table and stopped just before it and Eric joins us quickly, moving to pull out a chair. Eric just looks at me with an eyebrow raised at my confused expression to his gesture. It only takes a second to register the chair is for me and I blush then look at Zach to respond to his question. "Please!" I reply in a pleading tone and a smile on my lips.

He nods with a smile and turns to the kitchen. By the time he returns the short distance with an empty mug for coffee and a glass filled with water, I'm already in my seat and Eric is right beside me.

I follow Eric's example and pour some of the black brew into my cup and see Eric pushing a few containers my direction. A quick look tells me they have sugar and the non-dairy creamer I know Mar uses in her own coffee. I leave them both untouched, raise my cup to my lips and sip the coffee as is. I close my eyes and sigh in bliss as soon as I do. I thought the coffee from the dining hall yesterday was amazing, considering it's the first time I've had the drink as fresh as it was.

But this, this is just pure bliss.

I open my eyes when I hear Eric chuckling beside me and see him drinking his own black as sin coffee. This coffee might just have spoiled me to any other. Especially when it's served with a side of Eric.

Dammit! Do not go any further with that line of thinking, Kat Prior!

If Eric noticed the way my ears started to turn red and the blush rising on my cheeks, he didn't say. He started talking a bit with Zach, who returned to the kitchen and was working on whatever smelled so delicious.

I take the time to look around at the personal area of Eric Coulter and I'm fascinated by what I see.

For one, the apartment is fairly similar in some respects to that of my old home. The walls are bare and white in color. The furniture is simple and stays true to the color and style of the faction it's being used by. Black is a primary color but the place isn't dark by any means.

The main living area of the apartment is huge with clearly defined areas for each of the functions. The entryway is marked by hooks, a thin long table where Eric seems to keep things from pockets or his bag. It's not the bench my parents have in theirs, but the collection of boots and shoes under the table tells me it serves a similar purpose.

The living room is off to one side with tall narrow windows spaced out on one wall letting in lots of light. Another wall houses an entire section of shelving that contains books with spaces in there that have a collection of electronic equipment with the biggest center space containing a huge vidscreen.

The furniture in the living room is set up so that the vidscreen is the focus. Two long couches form an L shape with two armchairs flanking them. A coffee table sits in the center of it all. There are a few lamps in the room to let in more light as well as the ceiling light fixtures.

I notice with a smile that the unexpected books are resting beside and along with all kinds of weapons. Mostly knives.

Shortly after getting settled and about halfway through my cup of coffee, Chase walked in to join us. As soon as he got seated with his own cup of coffee and greeted me, Zach brought a few plates full of food from the kitchen and put them down on the table. Three empty plates and silverware were on the table at first but another quickly joined them when Zach saw I would be eating with the three men.

The plates of food looked to be enough to feed us all but I still sat back, content to wait for the guys to get theirs before I got anything. Eric wasn't having that so he took my plate and started piling food onto it with a roll of his eyes.

"I thought I wouldn't have to worry about any of that selfless shit with you, Kat." His tone was chiding and playful at the same time, but I could tell there was just a tinge of seriousness in it too.

I laugh and shake my head then dispel his worries. "Oh trust me, that wasn't what was holding me back, Sir," I say and take the laden plate he hands me. "That was self-preservation and wanting to keep all my fingers intact." I raise one hand up and wiggle my fingers in his direction with a laugh. "I saw how all of Dauntless went after the food at both lunch and dinner yesterday. Not to mention I've been eating meals with Uriah Pedrad for about three years now and learned you do not want to get between that guy and food."

Zach and Chase laughed freely while Eric graced me with another smile and shook his head. "I still don't understand how in the hell that happened. How did you and those three ever manage to become friends, much less train together for as long as you have?"

The question was friendly enough but I got it wasn't something he was giving me an option on answering or not. It was a command for an answer.

I had just taken a bite of my eggs so I took the time to chew and think over my answer. When I swallowed, I looked over at Zach and smiled, showing my pleasure at the tasty food. "These are very good, Zach. Thank you for making them."

I know they see this is my Abnegation coming through, but Zach still looks smugly pleased with the compliment and gratitude. He shrugs casually before answering. "I do better breakfast while Eric tends to do better dinners. It's never anything fancy but it beats the dining hall. Besides, you aren't wrong about how everyone tends to fall on their food. Scary shit."

I giggle as I take another sip of my coffee and let my eyes drift over to Eric to see him looking at me. Clearly not fooled by my stall tactics. His eyebrow is quirked and his lips tilted in a smirk letting me know he expects his answer.

"I've always loved to run and that was the main source of trying to keep in shape for me. When you don't have a gym to go to, running is kind of perfect. I just couldn't do that openly in the Abnegation sector so, I had to go somewhere else. I had specific routes and times I would run and I almost always saw them around those times, we just never spoke. It wasn't until one day Mar and Lynn were waiting for Uri when some factionless kids started in on them. I went to help, we got to talking about me being from Abnegation and what I was up to. Uri confessed they started to look for me after they saw me wearing black clothes. He knew he had never seen me in Dauntless before and the three of them got curious. They offered help and things just went from there."

I answered and immediately lowered my eyes to my plate. I hadn't been able to miss the fact that as soon as factionless were mentioned the three of them tensed. I was just praying my answer wouldn't lead to more questions. I'm treading on dangerous territory here. A territory I don't want to be intruded on, but there isn't anything I can do now. It isn't like I can lie about this especially since they can always just demand answers from my friends.

So I sip my coffee and hope they move on from this subject.

We eat a bit more, and for a little while, I think that is just what we are doing, moving on. Until Chase speaks and I almost choke on my bite of food. "So do you often disguise yourself in the clothes of other factions?"

I take a drink from the water glass Zach had for each of us on the table, swallow and then look back at Chase's frowning face.

"I guess you could say I did, but only because I had to. Running or hanging out with my friends wasn't exactly something I could do in my normal Abnegation clothes even if the color alone wouldn't set off alarms. They just weren't made for the kind of physical activity I needed. So, I came into possession of a few items that were mainly from Candor and Dauntless. Obviously, the ones from here worked better for me but it was a bit easier to mix and match the two if I needed to. If I tried to use any other factions clothes to mix it up, it would have made me look factionless and that would have spelled more trouble for me than it was worth. Not to mention it would have been pointless since I was trying not to draw attention. A factionless kid running around by themselves or with Dauntless kids would have definitely drawn attention."

I wasn't even done when Eric started to mutter something under his breath with his forehead heavily wrinkled. By the time I finished answering he was looking at me with his piercing blue eyes and demanded from me something I had been hoping that I could avoid.

"You said yesterday that you've had encounters with the factionless. How bad did those get?"

Shit.

While it wasn't the absolute worst question he could have asked, it still wasn't something I was comfortable getting into. Not even my friends or family knew about me and the factionless and it wasn't something I could talk about openly to anyone, even my family who I would say I've always been close to.

Especially them actually.

I'm not going to be able to get away with not telling him something, I just don't know how truthful I should be.

"Tell me everything, Kat," Eric demands firmly from me as if sensing my thoughts just by my silence alone.

I nodded while looking at my plate and let out a small sigh before looking back at him and the other two. "I'll tell you what I can. It's just, I've never really talked about this before with anyone, even my family who know about it." I admit truthfully and hope this ploy will work. Give them the complete truth about one thing to avoid talking about anything else.

I reach out to take another drink from my water and see Zach pale and flinch at my words, causing guilt to rise up a little and leaves me needing to reassure him.

"It probably isn't as bad as that just made it seem. I just have never been able to talk easily about myself or my feelings, even with my family. I guess that is an aspect of Abnegation too ingrained in to get over so easily."

He nodded at me but his lips were still thinned and he still looked like he was expecting something horrible. A look around shows me that all of them look to be thinking the same thing, just showing it in different ways.

Eric looks the least affected by things.

His face is blank but his jaw is twitching in just the slightest. I decided to focus on him when I answer. I can't even begin to understand why, when anyone else would probably be put off by his demeanor and expression.

I think it's in his eyes. They seem to be the greatest weakness for me when it comes to him.

"When I was younger, a lot younger actually, my sister and I had the hardest time in controlling ourselves and being the perfect Abnegation that our faction expected of us. Especially since our parents are considered to be role models of what it really means to be selfless. Tris and I chafed under all the restrictions though and rebelled. It wasn't until we were just about to be in our teens that something happened to change all of that and I got better about hiding everything I felt inside. I get the need for people like my mom and dad, their selflessness is truly awe-inspiring, but I was miserable there. No matter that I understood where they were coming from and that Abnegation is necessary, I just never belonged."

During this, I could see a bit of loathing and disdain crossing Eric's face as I mentioned Abnegation and I tried to stop my defensive nature from rushing forward. I tried to see what he might and try to explain myself better.

"Sir," I say looking directly at him and holding his eyes with my own. "I know Abnegation isn't perfect, no faction is. I know that some of the people in that faction are just as capable of thinking they're superior as say…." I pause and shrug thinking of people I have known from different factions, "...someone from Erudite or Candor."

My admission causes Chase to grunt agreement into his cup of coffee and Zach to give a bark of laughter while looking over at Eric, who just sat there still looking at me with a blank expression but for a second amusement danced in his eyes. He gave a small nod in my direction, so I went on.

My thoughts turn a little darker as one person in my faction comes to mind who fits that description but is also the worst example of humanity ever. "In fact, I am sure that there are people in the faction that have no business being there at all."

I leave out the fact that he has no business exiting and instead close my eyes against the thought of how much I would love seeing him being one of the people to plunge over the chasm and never be seen again. I feel someone nudge me and I open my eyes to see it was Chase who is looking at me with worry. I nod at him with a smile and look back at Eric. He's studying me intently with his head tilted, looking contemplative but patient.

"Then there are people like my mom and dad that show me how good a faction can be when the person truly belongs. They show me what it can be like when a person is truly committed and working to do their best to not only be the example to other members of their faction but to find true happiness in the role. It was never more apparent to me than when I worked alongside my mom with the factionless. The people she tends to adore her. After a while of wondering why they never seemed to act the same way towards me, I came to realize it was because they knew my heart wasn't in it. I was just going through the motions but my mom was genuine in her want to help them and the concern she showed them. There were times my mom was helping another elder of the faction and the interactions between those two and the factionless were like night and day. The other woman was a bit like me in that she was going through the motions. Everything she did was exactly what an Abnegation should be doing, but there was always this undertone to it. That she was somehow better than them. My mom never had that and the only time I ever saw her be anything other than giving and generous was when one of the factionless was getting out of line or being confrontational."

I pause and reflect on all of my words and feel the guilt I've always lived with at how much I failed at being close to as good as my family. "I've always had issues with that and it was apparent in how my interactions went. They could sense it, even if on the surface I was nothing but the perfect Abnegation. They weren't hostile to me exactly but I could tell the difference in how the responded to me when compared to her. Sometimes I would look at my parents and I was envious of the life they made for themselves in Abnegation."

"How so?" Chase speaks up with a frown and his head tilted.

"It's not that I wanted to stay there or regret leaving, because I don't. When I picked Dauntless it wasn't on some kind of whim or spur of the moment decision. I made the choice, knowing I was leaving all of that behind." I say confidently to Chase in case he had been thinking otherwise. "What I envied, but have hope I can feel now that I am where I belong, is the sense of peace and completeness they had by just being where they belonged. Their lives weren't easy by any means and the work at times seemed overwhelming, but I could see there was contentment for them that came from the fact that they were giving all their dedication to their faction to make a difference. So, as much effort as they had to put into that every day, it was like they got just as much back in the knowledge it was where they wanted to be."

I pause and breath through a wave of sadness. "They may never know it, but that alone gave me the courage to leave. How could I see their example and not long for the same for myself?"

"You couldn't." Zach agrees with me and gives me a smile. "Do you think there are more people like your parents in the faction or are the others more like the elder you mentioned?"

I had taken a bite of food, hoping that what I've said so far was enough to distract from the topic of the factionless encounters. I finish chewing, swallow and then answer with a shrug.

"It isn't like I know everyone in the faction personally. Most of the people I worked with or around, were dependents of the same age or elders I was assigned to and that was generally a female as well. But, from the people I have worked with and gotten to know, I think that it is fair to say most are similar to my mom. Maybe not as dedicated or content as she is, but on the whole, I think most of the people in Abnegation try to be that way. To find peace with a life of service. If I'm being completely honest though, I can say that I know there have to be more people that stayed in Abnegation because it was what they knew in life. We've spent all our lives set into a routine and I think that's scary and hard to break free from. I don't think that is limited to just Abnegation either. It doesn't help that dependents of all factions are told one thing but another is expected from them. On one hand, we are told that when we take the aptitude test we will find out where we belong. Then we are given the choice to pick something completely different and there is always that unspoken expectation from our parents and faction that we will stay. Because leaving would be a betrayal. So you're a traitor if you leave, but it's just as wrong to not follow the test. Damned if you do and damned if you don't."

I huff out the last part and am rewarded by nods from the guys as they ate and listened to me.

I picked up my fork and got a few bites before Eric looked at me knowingly and spoke up. "I get it. So what changed for you then? You mentioned…." He pauses and pushes food around on his plate with a scowl "...that something changed things for you. What happened?"

I lay my fork back on my plate while thinking and put my hands in my lap, trying not to wring them. "Do you three remember when Dauntless used to actually patrol and police the factionless and Abnegation sectors instead of just responding to incidents after they occurred?"

I look up at the three of them and see Chase and Zach casting wary looks in Eric's direction. Eric himself has lost the blank facial expression, the only way to describe how he looks now is, dark. Foreboding almost.

"Yes." He says with gritted teeth.

Going by the demeanor and reaction of the three of them, I guess that not only do they remember, but have been somehow personally affected by that time. It makes me falter and my hands shake a little bit. I wish I could take the words back but it's too late and I know now more than ever Eric isn't going to let me get out of not telling them.

So I press on and try not to let my voice waver too much as I start speaking.

"For years, I heard my father saying that Dauntless needed to be there and any time there was a vote, he always held to keeping them in place."

The pause I take is enough time for Zach to interrupt me. "That can't be right. I've seen the minutes from the council meeting where the order was given to have Dauntless pull out of those sectors and your dads' vote was the deciding vote. Did something happen to change it?"

Their eyes were all on me and I felt the crushing weight of my actions and what it had done to the city.

"I happened," I can't help that it comes out as a hushed admission as I train my eyes down and refuse to look at any of them. "My refusal to obey faction dictates and my wild side often got me into trouble. And because she is my sister, and I more often than not drug her into it with me, Tris was by my side when it happened. She never complained or even tried to stop me, though I wouldn't say she was as eager to get up to things as I was. But she was always there for me and that day was no different. We were up to something that I can't really remember other than we were definitely doing something we shouldn't have been."

I frown and my nose wrinkles as I try to remember what we had been doing in the first place, and it finally comes to me. "We were trying to climb up the side of a building using some of the fire escapes and ledges like we saw some Dauntless kids doing at that same building once. Anyway, some factionless men caught us unaware. I'm sure you can guess what they wanted, so I won't go into those details."

"Kat…..did they…." Chase asks with a clenched jaw but can't finish the question.

He doesn't need to because I know what he was asking. I shake my head with a grimace. "No. It didn't get that far. We were able to stop them actually getting ahold of us by fighting back when I don't think they expected that. We didn't exactly fight fair either so between that and them being caught off guard that we resisted at all, it was enough to make a run for it. For all my being wild, at least I wasn't stupid. If we were going to be up to something, I always made sure help wouldn't be far from us. I knew that there was a guard station not far away and as soon as they came on us I yelled for Tris to make a run for it. When we were able to get free she ran to that station right away."

"So she just fucking left you there!" The calm and collected Eric is gone, and I see him trembling as he spits out the words in anger and disgust.

I adamantly shake my head in the negative even while getting the words out.

"No!" I deny loudly. "I was following her, right on her heels. But there was another man that neither of us had seen. I guess he was on watch or was waiting for us in case we got away. Either way, he tackled me from the side and Tris didn't see me go down. Even if she had, we weren't far from the guards and the only chance we had was to get one of them there as quickly as possible. I kept fighting back and threw gravel and dirt in his face then hit him with a few well-placed kicks to get free. I was up and already moving away as the guard raced up. He ordered me to go, to get behind him and head to the station itself. Tris followed him, and I found out later she did that after he told her to stay put, but she couldn't when she saw I wasn't behind her. I promise, I was going to comply with the order and was already heading towards Tris where I saw her waiting for me, motioning me frantically towards her."

I stop and let out a tremulous breath. I feel like I'm under some kind of spell that's prompting me to tell this story. To finally release the events that have haunted me every night of my life since then. It feels like a movie playing in my mind as I recall them but so much more vivid than just a memory.

"His backup was on the way. You know how stations work. One person always mans them and they have rotations of people that go out to walk the routes. It was the guy from the station that rushed to us after putting in the radio call for the others about what was happening. But until they got there it was one against five. It should have been fine, the others looked like they were complying when he told them to stay where they were and had his gun raised. I was almost to Tris when I saw that there was another guy in the shadows and that he had a knife. He was about to be ambushed and something in me knew that would be enough to take him down. There wasn't any time to give warning other than to just act."

I shrug my shoulders and try to collect myself. This is where things always go hazy for me when remembering that day. It's all jumbled together with an overwhelming tangle of feelings that seem to make events hard to make out.

It's during this time when I'm silently trying to piece it together before I can relay it in words, that I suddenly feel warmth engulfing the hand on my lap that I had been using to pick at the material of my pants. I look down to see a big hand covering mine and trace it up to see it belongs to Eric. Who is looking at me in concern radiating from not only his eyes where it seems is the only place he generally allows emotions to broadcast from, but also in the set of his mouth. He nods at me, reassuring and prompting me to go on.

I look into his eyes and the haze seems to clear in the slightest, allowing me to speak again all while never breaking eye contact with him.

"I still don't know if I stabbed him, the factionless man with the knife, purposely or if it was an accident. No matter how much I've tried to remember, I just don't. I just remember my feelings at the time and some of the events come back to me like they're stuck in slow motion with gaps in between. I remember making the connection between the man with the knife and the fact that he was going to be on the Dauntless guard, and the guard wouldn't know what hit him. I got so angry that it was like I could see it. I could taste it and it consumed me. The next thing I know is that the guy with the knife is on the ground under me and I'm perched on top of him with my hands wrapped around the hilt of the knife which is buried into his chest. There was blood everywhere, on my hands especially. It was sticky and felt like it was holding my hands on the knife. I don't know if I was actually trying to free the knife or just my hands but what ended up happening is that I finally got my hands free along with the knife when I jerked them away. I could faintly hear yelling and screaming around me. I know there were people rushing towards me and I started to stand, still holding the knife. I felt pain suddenly and I looked to see that where I felt the pain, more blood seemed to be appearing from nowhere."

"Are you telling me one of the fucking guards shot you? A kid from Abnegation!" Eric growls out angrily and tightens his grip on my hand.

I wince a little but answer him without moving my hand from his. "Yes, but I understand, Sir. All he knew was there was an attack going on and came onto the scene to find a young girl covered in blood and still holding the knife. Not to mention, I'm sure that yelling was an order for me to drop the knife, which I didn't."

"That's no fucking excuse." Eric's voice thunders through the apartment and it takes Zach putting a hand on his shoulder to calm his friend down but he looked pretty upset himself.

"That's why your dad changed his vote, wasn't it. Because one of the Dauntless shot you." Chase surmised with a soft voice that was devoid of judgment or anger. He almost seemed understanding.

I wonder if he understood everything. Like, does he understand how much guilt I carry around about that day? I know I have never spoken that feeling aloud to anyone, nor the feeling that I have always had that I need to make up for those events in some way. That day truly did change so much for and about me.

Because of that day, I knew that it wasn't just about making it to Dauntless, but making it up to them as well.

I nod slowly and breath out calmy before I answer. "The other elders used that to point out how volatile situations could become with Dauntless in charge. Trying to say that the situation was actually made worse by their presence. I argued and argued with him until I was blue in the face really. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to my dad. I even went after Marcus Eaton and yelled at him." I snort in disgust at the memory of that foul man and his obvious pleasure at the time. I had given him exactly what he wanted all along. Dauntless out of his domain. My lips thin and I take a deep breath to contain my rage so I can continue.

"It was all too late though. The vote had already taken place while I was in Erudite medical after an emergency session was called. I was still on the operating table when the vote was called for. By the time I was released from the hospital, it was well past the point of return. There was no taking it back."

Eric interrupts me again but this time there is an expression of apprehensiveness on his face. "Operating room? Kat, where were you shot at?"

His grip around my hand tightens again and I almost feel like he is pulling slightly. Like he's trying to pull me towards him at the same time as his eyes dart around looking me over. Like he's trying to appraise my physical capabilities and if where I got shot will weaken me anywhere.

I reach up with my free hand and tug the neckline of my shirt to the side to reveal the oddly shaped scar that resides close enough to my heart and that the heart shape of it serves as an additional reminder of what could have happened that day.

I hear quick and sharp breaths from Eric and Chase when I reveal it while Zach let's out a curse. "Fuck," he says and shakes his head in disbelief.

I let the shirt go and it falls back into place and smile sadly in Zach's direction. It falls quiet and they seem to need that time to collect themselves as much as I do.

I could tell they are all disturbed by what I had to say but other than that I can't read what else they might be thinking or feeling. The one thing I can really tell, and that I feel grateful for, is that at least they aren't showing hate for me being the cause for Dauntless being pulled from the factionless sector.

I don't think I could have handled that when they are the first and only people I've opened to. I know I've just met these men. I know I don't really know anything about them and they don't know me, but there is something that makes me feel like I can at least trust them with this.

Like they will get it, and me. So, I put my trust in them that they won't use this vulnerability against me and hope I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life.