Chapter 9 - With Or Without You

Kat

I plop down into my seat at lunchtime in a huff. Uri, Mar, and Lynn all look at me with concern and surprise the instant I slam my tray onto the table as well. The silence only lasts a few seconds before one of them speaks up.

"What's up?" Lynn asks me with a frown.

I don't answer at first as I arrange and rearrange the things on my tray, giving myself time to try and answer her.

There's just so much wrong that I can't even begin to cover it all. It's everything going on in my mind and in my life at the moment, and not much of it makes a bit of damn sense. My mind and feelings are in such a mess right now that it feels like my patience and anger is being stretched thin.

I still haven't seen Eric since the roof incident and the lunch following right after it. That was over a week ago.

From my morning training sessions to the ones with the transfers, there hasn't even been a hint of him. Lynn mentioned offhandedly once that he hasn't even been to theirs after that first day either. No matter that I know this, it doesn't stop me from looking at the doors from time to time and hoping to see him walking through them. Other times, I find myself angry he hasn't shown up and cursing him as a coward in my mind. Then that makes me even angrier at myself because I'm expecting a leader of a faction to attend training on my want to see him? That's ridiculous.

Not to mention the fleeting thought that he would need to avoid me at all.

If Eric is avoiding me, it doesn't seem to be something his friends are in on. They haven't changed how they've acted towards me. In fact, I find myself spending a good amount of time with them since that breakfast. There hasn't been one meal since then that he's showed up at, even though Chase and Zach are at almost all of them in the dining hall.

In the mornings, before I do my self-training I have coffee in the dining hall. Chase and Zach are there and join me. Sometimes afterward, Chase walks me to the training room where I get started. Tris will join me, usually about halfway through my time, and then we both go get breakfast before the rest of the day started officially. When we aren't training and taking time to relax we usually gather in the Pit. One or both of the two older Dauntless are usually near me then too.

All this tells me that what is really going on is that Eric is just busy doing his leader duties, too busy to be hanging around some initiate he may or may not even care for. Logically I get all of this but it doesn't stop it from hurting or me from being angry for it hurting.

So all that's just a fucking mess.

Then there is training itself. Or rather my biggest irritation in dealing with the others of my group.

Al and Christina are a little better, just not by much. Al still isn't adjusting well to Dauntless and is always whining about anything and everything. Christina is taking to some aspects of Dauntless just fine while others not so well. And worst of all is she is so hot and cold with my sister and their friendship. That is the harder part for me to get over and warm up to the girl over.

The worst of the bunch are the obvious ones. Molly, Drew, and Peter. Tris and I are always targets but in general, they are just obnoxious to everyone. My issues with Peter are slightly different but still irritating and disturbing.

He's still a big time lurker. Always nearby in some way. More and more I don't see him with his friends as much, but he doesn't seem to be trying to make friends elsewhere either. While he does still taunt me from time to time, he seems to mainly concentrate on my sister. On runs, he stays uncomfortably close. Even when I try to hang back with Tris, he isn't that far away.

Last night in the Pit he didn't even try and hang around his friends. Everywhere I went in the Pit, he was there. And when I was hanging out in the tattoo parlor, he spent a good hour in there while I was talking with Tori and Bud.

Bud must have sensed that this was freaking me out because he slid over to talk to Peter while the Candor was 'checking out flash for new ink', as I heard him tell Bud when he asked if he could help figure something out. I didn't hear the answer but I do know that sometime later Bud and Peter disappeared to the back. I don't know for sure what Bud did to the boy that made his screech loud enough for me to hear him over the music that plays in there, and I don't care to know. I just found it amusing that whatever he did left Peter walking like he had a bowling ball between his legs for a few days.

It gave me a reprieve for a while but Peter has been back at it since and it has me on edge wondering what he's up to. Not to mention that Tris told me over dinner one night that it had been Peter who pointed out I was missing that first morning. She says he did it by taunting him for losing one little stiff.

Overall, my patience with some of the people in my training class is fading fast.

So when we found out we would be starting fights today, I got excited! It would be a chance, finally, to be able to release some of these frustrations on the targets that caused them in the first place.

I was hyped up until I got a look at the board in the training room that appeared. The one where all the people in our class are written down and matched up.

I was hoping for something good and what I got was Myra. The former Erudite who followed her boyfriend to Dauntless. She's nice enough but she's terrible at fighting and even she admits it freely. Still, I could have gotten over that. I didn't care for it, but I could move on from it.

It's just the first fight, right?

What I'm having a hard time letting go and that has me fuming, is that beside Tris' name was...nothing.

Empty.

Blank.

So Four picked my sister as the person to sit out and I just know that he let his personal feelings make those matches. I know he thinks he's helping us but he isn't.

I saw the look on the others faces when they saw who we were both matched up with. Even Christina had given Tris a disgusted and jealous look when my sister wasn't looking. To the others, it looks like Four is going easy on the weak stiffs and that isn't what we need.

So to in answer to Lynn and my friends, I couldn't say even half of what was pissing me off. But I could at least grumble about the fight match ups.

I stabbed my knife into the lump of meat that's apparently meatloaf with a scowl on my face. "Fucking fights….that's what's up."

Uri shrugs and looks confused. "I would have thought you were looking forward to them, Kat."

"I was! Are you kidding me? Fucking finally!" I almost shriek, causing my friends to snicker and me to blush.

"Then what's the problem, Kat?" Zach asks me, rubbing a hand over his mouth to stop from laughing as I struggle to get my milk carton open without mangling it in my anger.

"It's who I got paired with that's the problem, but not only who I got paired with. Mine's a joke. I would have taken the caterwauling candor over Myra. She's said herself she sucks at fighting and while they haven't said it, I'm pretty sure she only came because of Edward."

I pause long enough in my rant to shove a mouthful of meat in and grimace as soon as I do. It isn't horrible but the texture and the greasy taste is definitely not doing my mouth any favors.

This is now officially on my 'hell no' list of things I'll eat.

Chase smirks at me and holds out a bowl of ketchup. He chuckles when I snatch it up with a quick smile. I practically slather the lump of meat with the entire contents of the bowl, causing my friends to laugh. I can feel their eyes on me as I take another bite, chew a bit, and then shrug as I swallow.

"Meh, still on my hell no list," I remark with a chuckle.

"Not all of your fights can be against some on your level, Kat," Chase says, getting us back to the topic of my rage. His tone isn't in what I would classify as the 'instructor mode' I've heard from him before, but he is close to it.

"I get that. Really, I do. I know that some of our matches are going to be with people that are at different levels and that the goal, if possible, is to advance them as the weeks go by. So honestly, I could get over that if it weren't for the pairing Four picked for Tris. I get a match that even Myra laughed when she saw and remarked that they should just cross her name out, while Tris didn't even get paired in a match. She's sitting this one out."

I take a bite and chew angrily while I let the others process that, hoping they see where I'm coming from. I knew Lynn would and when I see her angry scowl, that much is confirmed. Uri and Mar look concerned but they don't seem to really get why this is making me angry.

Chase and Zach are harder to read. They exchange some heavy looks between themselves but they don't say anything by the time I'm ready to continue on.

"You guys know how they're all looking at the two of us. They either think we're sure to fail and dismiss us, or they're gunning for it to happen. With how he paired us up, it makes it look like Four's cutting us slack. Like even our own instructor doesn't have much hope for us and that isn't good news."

I didn't have to spell this out for Lynn but she nods and scowls along anyways. She gets that this is insulting but she also sees it insulting to the entire training process. Lynn is hard and goes hard when she trains. She has often said that the transfers are treated with kid gloves compared to Dauntless-born.

While I don't disagree, I also know that they have more time and resources to train than most of the transfers would have before getting here. People like me and Edward are exceptions to that generality.

Zach and Chase having finally moved past silent communication and are talking back and forth quietly. I try to listen in but it's impossible.

"I know that you're pissed off about all this, Kat. But maybe you should look at this as extra time to get your sister ready. We already know you are, but sitting out for one day might actually be a good thing here. She can have another day to prepare and then when the next fight comes up she can show them all wrong." Mar supplies with a soft confident smile.

Uri's face lights up in a smile that we all know means he thinks he's just had the most brilliant idea ever. He throws his arm around Mar's shoulders, pulling her into him and kissing her cheek loudly. "She has a point, Kat. That will give us time to put operation 'Rescue Trissy' into play. We'll run some kind of interference to get the Candor's away from her tonight and you can take her to the training room to get in some more time."

A slow smile spread across my face as I nodded. My mood picked up. "I like that plan, Uri. Tonight we steal my sister away and hopefully bring her into our fold."

"Lord help her. She should run now." Lynn muttered lowly but I could see her lips tilted in a slight smile.

"I can stop in and see what advice I can offer if you want," Chase offers to the group but when I look over at him his eyes are on me with soft concern.

I blushed and frowned in concentration while I could see Lynn giving me eye signals to say yes.

I want to, but at the same time, something is holding me back. Probably the fact that I had a flash of a thought that if Chase did then maybe Eric might show up as well. For that reason alone, I shouldn't accept his help.

But Tris could use the help and there is no doubt that Chase would definitely be a great help.

"If you have the time that would be great. I just don't want it to keep you from any plans…"

He waves a hand and smiles at me before I can even finish. "Wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to, Kat. I'll meet you guys in the Dauntless-born training room after dinner."

If Lynn were capable of squealing, she would be right now. Instead, she pumps her fist in the air while we laugh at her and Mar comments that we really might need to tell Tris to run while she has a chance.

After that, the remainder of lunch passed by quickly. We don't have lots of time for lunch so that leaves us wolfing them down. It doesn't stop Uri from play fighting with Zeke when he and Four show up shortly after Chase agreed to help us out. As soon as he joined the table I lost most of my appetite but held out as long as I could.

When I choked down the food I could, I made excuses and bolted. The way I'm feeling in general right now added with the frustration at him for his recent choices has me on the verge of unloading on him but I can't do that with everyone around.

As I was leaving I saw the flash of hurt in his eyes that caused a little guilt to rise up. Then I saw Tris standing to leave and how he looked at her and the guilt went away quickly.

My fight with Myra went about as expected but I hadn't been capable of not trying to do something that might up the odds in her favor.

As soon as I got into the training room I made a beeline for where I saw her and Edward off on their own. She looked at me warily and I don't blame her. I have been short-tempered lately, and I was definitely less than quiet about my not liking the matchup.

Edward looked placid, but his body posture and how he shifted slightly towards his girlfriend tells me otherwise.

"Hey guys," I start out with a smile and come to a stop at a respectful distance to them. Letting them know I see all of that and am respecting their boundaries. "I was wondering if I could have a word with the two of you."

She looks to Edward but he tilts his head and narrows his eyes as he studies me. Finally, he just shrugs.

"First, I wanted to say I'm sorry about my reaction earlier. I have control issues with my temper and I was already on the edge before I saw the match. My reaction has more to do with our instructor than with you, Myra."

She shrugs and looks down, scuffing a toe on the concrete. "It's fine. I know I'm no good at this stuff."

Edward slides a hand around her waist and pulls her against his side but he doesn't object or tell her differently. I try not to feel a flash of irritation at this. It feels too much like she's just giving up.

"Look, you might not be good at this stuff now, but there are always ways to get better. It just takes time." I start to speak in a reassuring manner but then it turns more determined. "But you can't give up, Myra. I'm not sure about this, because my friend Lynn only thinks that this is part of how they score us, but the instructors look at who gives everything they have and those that just give up. You might not have the skill, but show them you have the heart and it just might make a difference."

She doesn't look like she really believes me but she gives a nod and looks up at Edward. His response is to give me a smile and nod then after giving me a parting thank you, he pulled Myra aside and they started to talk earnestly.

I just hoped that it was Edward giving her a pep talk and some instructions.

Whatever he said to her did seem to work.

She didn't look as defeated as she had when I was talking to her. But it only took a few well-placed hits from me and she was down. I could have drawn it out but I didn't want to hurt her more than I had to. I also wanted her to finish as strong as she could and what Four saw of her was her fighting back until the end.

I hoped Lynn was right and they took that into account.

I stalk off the mat while Four calls for her to be helped up and try to hold back the look of disgust I want to throw in his direction. By his expression, I could tell I wasn't successful at this.

He looks angry and disappointed in me.

Well, you can just suck my…..

I don't let myself finish that thought as I move towards where my sister is standing. Four is always so quick to judge others based on how he thinks they should act or react in situations. That was one of the biggest sources of argument for the two of us over the course of our friendship and the years since haven't changed that. I don't know that it ever will.

I slide onto the bench beside Tris to watch the others. Once I've calmed down a little bit and the adrenaline buzz from my fight has passed, I implement the first phase of getting Tris away from the others for tonight.

"Hey Tris," I say quietly to get her attention. Christina and Al are standing a few feet away from us but I still want this to be private. "I have a way to get us more training and help after dinner tonight. But…" I stop and look at her then let my eyes go over to her friends before looking back at her.

Her eyes follow mine and she looks down, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as her face scrunches up in thought. "You don't want me to bring Christina." She states without expecting me to answer.

I look back at her friends while she internally debates. Al and Will just had their match and Christina is trying to console Al even though Will is the one that ended up getting knocked out. But Al hadn't handled himself well before and during the fight.

First, was the appearance of one of the leaders. A guy about the same age as Eric named James. He didn't give off the same vibes as Eric does, where with just a look you know not to mess with him. James looked like he was trying for that but he just came off as creepy, not badass.

At the start of Will and Al's fight, there was some confusion when Al questioned the rules. Four said that we could concede but James said there was no more conceding. We have to fight until one of us can't fight anymore. The two opposing directions hadn't helped clear things up but I guess we had to go by what the leader was telling us and not our instructor. Al hadn't taken this news well.

I look back at my sister and see she might be at a decision, but I decide to help it along. I know how stubborn she can be at times.

"Tris, I don't know why Four matched us as he did, but he didn't do either of us any favors by it; except for one. We have one more day to get in some training and come at this again tomorrow. I got to show a little today but I don't call my match a victory. Tomorrow you are going to have to show you aren't weak or someone to be written off."

I see this making the decision for her, she sighs and nods. "I'll go with you after dinner. I think Christina and Will might like each other anyway and I'm sure they would like some time to themselves."

I wrinkle my nose at this while thinking that Will could do so much better than Christina but I kept that thought to myself.

Tris smirked at me and rolled her eyes. I let out a little laugh at her being able to read my expression.

"I really need to work on not letting everything show on my face," I mumbled, causing her to laugh even more.

The sound drew attention, unwanted on all accounts for me. Christina and Al joined us and I was forced to sit there and listen to them bicker. I told myself I could use this as practice in schooling my features. I'm sure I failed, badly.

Peter also decided that the wall near us needed holding up and I felt his attention on us by the prickles that spread across my back where I can only speculate his eyes were during those times.

God, this day could not end soon enough.