Disclaimer: I own naught but the plot and cherry bombs I throw within.

Chapter 12 - It's Not You

Kat

Al has yet another round of crying during the night. There haven't been many nights that he's gone without at least sniffling but over the last few nights it had gotten better. I guess yesterday's fights hit him even harder than he was letting on.

I've discovered that I'm a hell of a light sleeper. Because as soon as he starts up I'm awake and groaning. Not all from the frustration of being woken up again either.

I'm sore all over and that is just making how tired I am to seem even worse than it is. It does make me feel a little better when I hear a few other muffled groans coming from around the room.

I lay there debating what to do and wondering if I dare to look at the time when all of that is answered for me by my watch alarm going off. I quickly slap my hand over it to shut it off and then let out a tired sigh.

The watch doesn't lie. It's time to get my ass in gear.

I groan as I get dressed and I swear to everything that the groan comes out sounding like the word coffee.

I'm definitely going to need coffee first to be able to do this.

I make my with barely open eyes and still groaning occasionally along the way. I feel like I'm barely conscious and wonder how safe it is to be walking around Dauntless like this. I feel like my entire schedule and body rhythm has been thrown off. I don't even know if I made my bed this morning when I got up like I normally do and that was literally just a few minutes ago!

I head towards the dining hall entrance, shuffling through it and head hanging down, and collide with someone.

Whoever it grips me tightly with a chuckle as they steady me.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that none of you listened to me last night?" I look up to see Chase's blue eyes sparkling down at me.

I don't even bother to do anything other than sigh and groan tiredly. The man is a saint because he takes pity on me, leads me to a table and then goes to get me my much-needed coffee.

After I've taken a few big drinks from the cup I finally answer him. "Yeah. Tris wanted to get her first tattoo and wanted me to get one with her. So there was that. Then Mar took the opportunity to get her some new clothes because let's face it if my sister wasn't forced to do it she was just going to keep wearing the stuff she was given those first few days and not bother with more." I take another gulp and then shrug at him. "But if I'm being completely honest, it was the early morning training session combined with the one after dinner that kicked my ass."

I finish talking and inhale the rest of the cup. It helps that he's just as busy inhaling his own. When we are both on our second cup, and I'm in the middle of trying to cool it and drink it at the same time, he finally speaks up with a laugh.

"I think I'm just going to need to bring you a pot of that for at this rate."

I hum my approval and pause in drinking. "As I said at breakfast the other day, Erudite should make themselves useful and create caffeine patches, that would solve everything."

"Naw, I'd miss the challenge too much. There's something cathartic about trying to drink scalding hot coffee without getting third-degree burns and losing the ability to taste anything for the rest of my life."

I snort out a brief laugh and go to answer him back when I see someone approaching the table from the corner of my eyes. The way my body starts to tingle and the drop in my stomach already told me who it was before I even got the visual but it takes my brain a second or two to catch up and when it does, I flinch slightly before I force myself to stop moving altogether.

The look of disgust on his face that day on the roof is burned into my mind and is the first thing I look for. I'm not seeing it though. Eric is standing at the end of the table, looking as tired as I feel with a blank look on his face.

He gives a slight nod. "Chase. Kat. Morning." The words are slightly gruff, like he just woke up, all raspy and warm even if the tone is free of any emotion.

My reaction to that greeting and his presence is a surge of fluttering in my stomach and a warming of my body. Even stronger than what I had when we last saw each other despite almost two weeks of no kind of contact.

Shit, this is not boding well for me already.

I'm not sure what I look like to him sitting her with slightly wide eyes and unable to return his greeting but I'm feeling like a damn fool.

"Morning, Eric. Good to see you back from those patrol runs you've been on. I'm sure it feels good to be finally back too. Although, I'm sorry to hear about Gary and David. They were both good guys and will be missed." My head snaps between Chase who is looking at Eric with real concern and regret in his eyes, to Eric who has a flash of pain that goes through his.

Panic and worry flood me at Chase's words. Lost men means that there was an attack of some kind and that also meant that there was the possibility Eric was hurt. Then more feelings flood me, guilt and frustration that for the last two weeks I have harbored feelings and thoughts that I had no right to be feeling. Especially now that I know Eric had only been doing his duty as a Dauntless and Leader.

"You were out on patrols?" The words are spoken out loud while I only mean to say them in my mind while I look at Eric. None of that guilt and frustration stops me from letting my eyes move over him, looking for any signs that he was or is hurt. I don't really realize I'm doing it at first and when I do finally I inwardly curse myself look down, feeling a flush of embarrassment come over my skin before I take a breath and look back at him. "I'm sorry to hear that we lost anyone." I finish sincerely.

He nods to me briefly and moves to sit at the table, right beside me. "They were good guys and good soldiers. It just shows that it could be any of us at any time."

Even with the space he keeps, that almost feels respectful in a way, but my body still reacts to it regardless.

"It's why we have to be the way we are during training. And not just what you are getting right now in initiation but in all the training you will get as a member. Remember when we were talking about that with Lynn one day, that what position you get will determine the depth of the training and what will be concentrated on?"

I nod after taking a sip of coffee, grateful for the change of subject and distraction from what my body is doing right now. "I do. I also remember Lynn complaining right along with you that there should be a standard training that all Dauntless should be kept to no matter if they wash dishes or patrol the fence." I laugh and shrug at the memory but also the relief that a sudden exit strategy was just handed to me. I look at my watch and frown then say with all truth. "Speaking of training. I really need to get started on mine. I'm getting a later start on it this morning that I would have liked."

Chase sniffs disdainfully and rolls his eyes at me with a shrug. "Can't blame that one on me, Kat. I released all of you guys with more than enough time to get hydrated and go to bed. You guys are the ones that decided tattoos and shopping were the better choices."

The night flashes in my mind and I remember all those moments with Tris. How my friends made her part of the group and how wide her smile got. She looked young again and the weight of responsibility that had begun to weigh her down there at the end in Abnegation seemed to melt away.

"Worth it," I reply with a smile and reach up to brush my hands over the new tattoo.

I might have told Chase about getting the tattoo with Tris, but I could never put into words how all of that felt and what it meant. Even if I could, there was no way I was going to be able to relay that to these to mean. That would be revealing too much and way too personal. Something I have already done way too much with these two men.

Eric clears his throat and shifts beside me, drawing my attention back to him to find him staring intently at my hand as it ghosts over where the tattoo is peaking out from the neckline of my shirt. The intensity of his eyes causes all kinds of feelings in me as images of him running his fingers over the spot flash through my mind.

Yeah, you need to go, and now.

"I'll go with you if you give me just a moment to finish my coffee." His eyes shift back up to mine after he says this.

The words and tone take me by surprise and also leave me feeling a little confused. It's not a request but it's also not really a command. But this is coming from Eric and he doesn't do requests and he doesn't just offer to do things either.

So what he's stating, is what's going to happen and I can't pinpoint how I feel about any of that.

I bite my lip in thought because I do want him to, so fucking badly. At the same time, it feels like it would just be asking for trouble for myself.

"You don't…." I stop because I don't want to say that he doesn't have to. Because of course he fucking doesn't! "I mean, I am sure you have much better things to do than have to…." Nope can't say that either because I am fighting myself. It would be a rejection and I just can't do that. "I just don't want to inconvenience you." I finally get out. It isn't a rejection but it puts it all up to him.

"It's not an inconvenience." He states neutrally and looks away with the smallest of frowns turning his lips down at the sides. He takes a small drink of his coffee.

I turn my eyes away from him and towards Chase who looked to be rubbing his face tiredly.

"Kat," Eric's says but then stops and does this half cough and half clearing of his throat. "I'm sorry…"

I whip my head around to look at him in disbelief and just stare at him, wondering what he's apologizing for. His forehead wrinkles and he frowns a little at me. "Umm...that I haven't been here to continue the morning training...and for missing your first fight."

I'm not sure why I'm feeling disappointment along with the confusion, but I am. I wasn't expecting him to apologize at all and I'm not sure how I feel about it honestly. When it comes down to it, I don't trust myself when it comes to him.

I nod and look away from, to look down at the table. "I understand though." I take a breath and make a decision. "I….if you wouldn't mind then….thank you. I would like to work with you again."

There.

Now, this is all on him if he is sincere in wanting to do this. If it's just him trying to test me to see how I'm going to react after the roof then I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing how much that hurt me.

And I definitely will not let whatever happens to be anything more than me working with a leader of my faction to be better and keep my promises.

Chase clears his throat from across the table. "Zach said something about being in the mood for pancakes now that he has access to a better kitchen again. Wouldn't want to miss that, Kat."

At first, I intend to refuse. To say I couldn't or shouldn't. But his joking nature and smile put me at ease like it has so many times this week. I also know that I would offend Zach, who has made specific mention that he was looking forward to making breakfast again and that he expected me there when he did.

So I laugh and smile as I give the smallest nod of agreement, then drink the last bit of coffee from my cup. I can't help the blush that creeps over my face as Eric drains his and then reaches for mine with a small smile.

I relinquish the cup and watch as Eric quickly gets up and moves away from the table.

"See you at breakfast," Chase says with a smile as he gets up and heads off, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a bundle of nerves.

I grab the bag I now carry that has the gloves, tape and various other things I now bring to morning training. Then I stand up on slightly shaky legs and make my way towards the dining hall door to exit, pausing to wait for Eric who is talking to Chase.

They finish their short conversation and Chase and I exchange waves while Eric comes towards me with a slightly intense expression. We walked together, falling into step like we did that day we walked away from his apartment. I worked to school my features into that same mask, and it wasn't exactly too hard when I'm feeling such a tangle of feelings and thoughts.

Questions and theories, doubts and hopes; they are all colliding making it difficult to sort through.

Could Eric just be doing this per his role as Instructor and Leader, seeing to my training personally? Maybe there is some kind of benefit he will get from it if he's able to take 'the stiff' and make sure she makes it through initiation and ranks well? Maybe it's just an experiment to see if that is even possible. Maybe this is Eric having found a new way to mess with Four like he always seems to be doing since that seems to have been a favorite complaint from him when we would meet up over the years?

There are a million reasons he could be doing this and none of them would be what I'm secretly hoping for to my very core despite every effort to not want that.

So maybe I can redirect that hope to something much more reasonable. I can use the advice I was given by a trusted friend and mentor. I've already been doing the first part of that advice.

Putting aside preconceived notions and don't base how I see or feel about someone based on other's opinions but to form my own.

Maybe it's time to put the other part of that advice in action and look for allies and friends, even if they come in the unlikeliest of forms?

My early morning training, so far, hasn't been too different than any other morning.

Stretching, warm up cardio, then a short run for a set amount of laps.

All of this feels so normal that is almost uncomfortable for the fact that not only am I in a completely different training room doing these things, but Eric has been there right beside me, every step of the way, keeping pace.

This all came about after Eric led me to the Dauntless-born training room instead of the normal training room for the transfers. I'm not complaining one bit about the change of scenery. This training room is much better equipped and is definitely in better condition. I also understand that he picked this training room over the other. Over time since starting I've slowly been joined in that room by not only my sister but Will, Edward, and Peter.

They don't get there as early I do but they all end up in the room the end of my self-appointed cut off time.

I guess in here it will be less likely to be seen together and that makes me aware that it would be better if it's kept that way. I'm not sure how others will take me having one on one time with Eric.

I know how those I'm closest to would react. I can just see it now.

Lynn will be jealous but thrilled at the same time. Mar and Uri will be worried and probably insist on being present just to make sure I don't do something to get in trouble with him. Tris would probably try to drag me out of the training and warn me to keep far away from him, she would be so worried.

It's everyone else that I'm worried about, especially Four.

From the moment we got in here Eric has been all business. He asked what my normal routine is and agreed that it was good, then followed right along with me during it. Only speaking when he made a suggestion for my warm-up routine or during the run when he would call out to pick up or slow the pace down.

We are at the end of our cool down lap when he speaks up again.

"Kat, you said you've worked with knives before right?"

I shake and stretch my legs while taking deep breaths and nod with a frown. I look over to see him beside me doing something of the same. "Yes, Sir."

He stands straight after releasing his stretch and nods while looking over to the side of the room where the throwing stations are all set up. "Your class hasn't gotten to them yet but I would like to see where you are at with them."

My frown deepens but I nod in agreement even though he is already moving over towards where his bag is sitting on one of the benches.

It's not like I can disagree or argue with him. This may be training I've decided to take on myself but he is still clearly in charge.

I follow a little slower. Taking the time to grab my own bag and my water. I take a drink as I walk over to join him and set everything down at the same table he now has his bag at.

He is rifling through his bag and then finally pulls out a large rolled up bit of cloth. He moves the bag to the side and then unrolls what is in his hands to reveal a set of throwing knives of various design and size that are all neatly strapped to the cloth.

I bite my lip to hide my amusement and excitement at seeing what we would be working with.

I guess I don't hide any of that well because he chuckles ever so softly and smirks over at me. "Can you guess what a favorite pastime of mine is?"

I laugh outright at this and shake my head ruefully. "I don't blame you. I love working with them as well. I always wanted my own set of knives but yours are amazing." I remark almost reverently and catch that his smirk widens, even more, looking slightly smug, while he starts to pull out a few knives from their places.

"Then, I look forward to seeing what you can do." He turns to face me fully and presents the knives with a challenging lift of his eyebrow.

My chin juts up and out as I smile in reply to his challenge and deftly take the knives off his hands.

A thrill of anticipation and pleasure runs through me, at having knives in my hand again definitely, but the quality and design of the knives are beyond what I even imagined being able to see much less handle.

I turn and make my way over to one of the throwing stations that line the wall. There is no real reason that I pick the middle target other than it was closest and I am eager to get started.

I do take the time to test the weight and balance of one of the knives in my hand as I am walking over there.

Maybe I took to long to get in place, gauging my target and getting used to the knives themselves, because Eric comes up beside me with a frown on his face and his shoulders tensed up with his hands clasped behind his back. I turn my head to the side to get a better look at him and see that his eyes also seem to be worried or apprehensive.

He must be worried that I don't really know what I'm doing.

Pride and determination set in, as I determine the best way to cut that off is to show him I'm not going to choke.

I narrow my eyes, assume the correct stance, and launch my first knife down at the target. There is a solid thunk as the knife lodges itself into the cut out blue section that is in the shape of a human body and I smile as I see it landed dead center of the chest.

I mark that in my mind and know I want to go for the heart area so will have to make adjustments from there.

"Kat, I wanted to talk to you about the day on the roof," Eric's strained and gruff voice pierces my concentration and takes me by surprise.

My breath catches and my smooth throw goes off, making the knife thud well outside of the area I intended it too while my mind works fast.

I have never felt more like avoiding a subject as I do at this moment and I can't help trying to voice that in as respectful way as I can.

"There's…" I croak as if there's a frog that sucked helium stuck in my throat. I clear it while shaking my head and internally cursing myself then try again. "I apologize but I don't think that's necessary, Sir. I completely understand that you have concerns about Four and our previous involvement. But I would just like to say that you don't have to worry that I would ever allow that to interfere…."

"Kat," Eric barks out my names as I continue to ramble everything out in a rush.

He moves even closer to my side and reaches, taking my chin in his hand and turning me to look at him since I was refusing to do so until now.

"I need to apologize for me..." he pauses and breathes in through his nostrils as they flare slightly, "behavior towards you. It was uncalled for."

I can't help that my body turned to face him more fully and I lean into his hand slightly. I realize this but seem to be unable to stop it. His eyes and the sincerity of his words are drawing me in and I frown.

He hasn't let go of my face but his hand moves in the slightest so now his thumb seems to be brushing lightly over my jawline. I swallow heavily, thinking I need to look away before I make a fool of myself.

I should, I just can't.

"This is going to sound so fucking cliche'," He finally says with a small sideways smile that also crinkles the sides of his almond shaped eyes. "But it really wasn't you at all, Kat. It was all me. Or rather," He stops and lets out a small huff of a frustrated breath, "It was me and Four. Sometimes my issues with him get the better of me and I," He pauses again but this time he takes a deep breath like he is about to say something that is hard for him to admit. "I lost it, Kat. I try not to let shit he does or says to get to me but it doesn't always work and I react. So that day on the roof wasn't you but my own issues, long-standing, with Four."

He finishes softly and his eyes are filled with some kind of plea. Like he is silently asking me to understand and forgive him. Between that, the fact that he is now softly running his thumb over my cheek, and how being so close to him makes me feel; I find I'm unable to process any of this.

It feels too surreal and as if what's really going on is that I'm locked into some kind of dream or something.

Because there is no way this is real. There is no fucking way that Eric Coulter, Second in Command of Dauntless, ruthless and hard leader Eric Coulter; just apologized to me.

There is no way he just admitted weakness and there is definitely he just admitted that weakness to a lowly initiate.

There is no way that same man, handsome devil that he is, is standing here with his hand on my face tenderly stroking it….looking seconds away from kissing me.

Fuck! Maybe I passed out from exhaustion and am in so deep of sleep that this is the result. Well, there is only one way to test that.

In my effort to pinch myself to check if I was dreaming, I failed to remember that I had knives clutched in my hand. The good thing was I confirmed instantly that I was most certainly not dreaming.