Disclaimer: I own naught, but my own plot, and the cherry bombs I throw within...

Chapter 14 - Shaky Beginnings

Kat

"If you insist on getting these stitches, then I'm going to insist that you be sat out from fights." Shauna has her arms crossed over her chest and her mouth puckered in disapproval as she glares at me.

Lynn and her older sister definitely share a lot of traits and features, this piercing and intimidating glare is one of them. I also know that isn't an idle threat, and she will totally back it with actions.

"And I'll second it," Chase adds in causing my scowl to deepen.

I can tell these two are already upset that I refused anything for pain, but that's mainly because I know it won't wear off completely by the time I'm set to fight and I want to be at my best for that.

Now I'm being told there's a chance I won't even be able to fight at all, and all because of stupid carelessness on my part.

"I can't fight today?" I whisper, shocked and frustrated.

"Not if you get stitches."

I shake my head confused.

"But I need the stitches, so I'm going to be sat out no matter what," I state angrily and huffing at the end.

"Kat, we've been trying to tell you that with the serum you heal faster and will be able to go right on as if this didn't happen. I just don't understand why you are refusing to let me use them."

I bite my lip and think back to my mumbled rejection of it. I guess in being distracted from everything that happened this morning, and the mortification at my own stupidity, I just reverted back to my Abnegation programmed responses.

"They weren't available to use often, or at all really before I transferred. I was always told that the serums aren't to be used frivolously. " I answer honestly and with a shrug.

Shauna nods in understanding while Chase looks torn between that and being angry.

"Well, you did transfer, and this isn't Abnegation. I hate to say it, but there's no real reason for them to reject using serums that are available to all factions besides their own self-imposed restrictions. Shauna will be using a very common and low-grade version of the serum, one that is used on lacerations here all the time. Between that and the liquid bandage to bind it closed, you should be good for today's fight."

"Yeah, there will be some soreness and it will feel a little strange at first, especially if you've never used the serums before. But I'll also put a thin gauze and tape wrapping over it for more protection. Since fights won't start until after lunch, that leaves the required number of hours for the serum to work and close the cuts."

Shauna and Chase both look at me, waiting for my decision but there isn't one to make here.

I have to fight. There is no other choice.

I give a nod hesitantly at first, then more firmly. "Do it."

Chase smiles at me, relief plain to see on his face while Shauna quickly spins away and moves to get things ready. I wonder, with how fast she's moving, if she's worried I'm going to change my mind.

I slump against the backrest of the reclined bed and stare up at the ceiling trying to contain the anger I'm feeling at myself for being in this situation.

Not that I really regret the morning just some of the aftermath.

Shauna gets to work on me while Chase quietly sits beside me, maybe sensing I'm lost in thoughts or maybe he's lost in his own. But it's nice to have this time to think and center myself, to untangle how I'm feeling and thinking about Eric and my feelings towards him.

He said he would like to be friends.

I can't describe how it made me feel to hear those words from him. I can't describe it because I don't really know what to feel about it.

Am I happy that he wants to be friends? Yes, I am absolutely happy that he does.

At the same time, I feel such fierce disappointment that it's not more for him because I know it is for me. Those feelings are at war inside of me. But I think the happiness, the desire to be around him in any way I possibly, is the winning one.

I still can't believe any of that happened, but the gashes on my arm are proof that it did.

At first, when I got to the clinic by myself and before Chase got here, I was in doubt and denial, as well as asking myself if I really wanted to let him back in after he hurt me, doubting that he was sincere in his apology.

Those thoughts were brief and even before Chase showed up I was already dismissing them.

I know that everyone in Dauntless sees Eric as unemotional, devoid of any kind of real feelings besides anger or hate, but that's not what I see. From the morning of that first breakfast together to every time Zach talked about Eric, to today in the training room with him myself; I see more.

Eric is careful and methodical. He plans and has the patience to see those plans through. He's quick to anger, that's very true, but from what I've seen that is also driven by passion.

I may not know what drives him, what fuels any of that, but I do see it.

He's also very loyal and while he might not let many people in, those that he does let in, he's very protective of them.

In a way, I see...a bit of myself...in Eric.

I also see more, and it's that which leaves me knowing that as much as the whisper in the back of my mind is warning me not to let him in, even more, I know I will.

The walk to the training room is spent worrying now that the chaos of the morning has settled. I'm a little grateful for the fact that we already established how we walk together, it takes the pressure off me as I just fall into that and let my mind go over how I'm going to handle my friends and the others.

I'm a horrible liar. Something I discovered very early on in my life. Especially if it's me trying to lie to someone I'm close too or care for. I don't know if I just feel so guilty for lying or it's that the person knows me so well so they can pick up on when I'm lying; the result is that I've had to adapt over the years. Especially these last few years.

The best method I've found is to lie in the most honest way I can or to mentally tell the whole truth while only giving a bit of it vocally.

I know I need to come up with something for how I got hurt and why Eric was there. Something that had the truth mixed into it but would allow me a little wiggle room. So, I took a page out of the Pedrad playbook of storytelling. I made it so over the top that only those people that really know me would be able to work out what's the truth and what's not. Basically, it would be my three Dauntless-born friends, and possibly my sister, that would know that isn't what happened.

I'm not sure what Four will believe. There is one thing I know for sure, though.

There is no way word hasn't reached Four about what happened, not with Shauna being his best friend, Zeke's, girlfriend. I'm actually surprised he didn't already come to hunt me down. I knew before Eric confessed to me about his and Four's issues, that even the mention of Eric's name would be enough to put my old friend on high alert.

I've been trying muster up guilt for what I'm doing, what we are doing. I should feel bad that this has all been so...sneaky...but I don't. I can't make myself feel guilty about this no matter how much I try.

The only feelings I'm capable of feeling right now are mostly centered around Eric and how he makes me feel. It's not all about just Eric though, but also how I feel knowing I'm for some reason being counted a part of a very limited circle with those three guys.

With Chase and Zach, I've felt a connection to them that, just grew, after that morning I told them more about my past than any other person I know. Not even the incident with Eric had been able to dampen that. I almost think it made it stronger for me because they were my link to him, so I actually sought them out rather than turned away.

And Eric?

The entire morning I've been bouncing between feelings at the thought of him.

Embarrassment at my behavior and thoughts has been the primary one. A deepening pleasure at the connection and now the knowledge that Eric feels some of the same with me. Then there is the this deep and growing burning, the likes I have never felt before, that he causes in me with the barest of looks or touches.

Not to mention the touching itself.

I know being from Abnegation I'm unused to some aspects of common physical displays of affection. But growing up Tris and I always hugged and held hands. Our parents weren't exactly cold in that regard either. Our mom was always there with a comforting hug or embrace. But that was always behind closed doors and not so much done in the public eye. Then after meeting my friends, other aspects of casual touch were introduced to me and much more openly.

Mar is a hugger and loves to cuddle with anyone willing to let her do it. Uri is just as bad about always wanting to hug or grab us. Lynn isn't much for hugging or holding hands herself, but she tolerates it from us to a point.

Since getting here, I've become used to all of that coming from my friends, sister and even on Zach and Chase on occasion. I've also gotten sort of used to seeing much more than just simple hugs or touches from those around me in Dauntless, but that's a completely different subject.

But with Eric….

I've found that a simple touch from Eric is like nothing I've experienced before and I also found myself craving more of it. That's only getting stronger. It's so bad that just walking beside him right now has my skin tingling and making me wish that I could just reach out and let my hand mesh with his again. Like it felt like it has been all morning since I got back from the clinic.

The training room looms up ahead with the doors closed but I can already hear the muffled sounds from the other side of it. Eric steps up and grabs a handle, glancing back at me, then motions me forward when he pulls it open.

It's as I step over the threshold that I feel his fingers graze against the hands I have clasped behind my back but I don't have time to respond or react.

"Kat, what the hell did you do to yourself?" Tris hisses out from where she seemed to have been waiting for me.

I wasn't even three steps into the huge room but it looks like more than just my sister welcome committee.

"I heard you tried to off yourself, stiff. Obviously, you failed." Peter drawls from not that far away from the other side of the door.

And Four, he doesn't say anything...he just glares daggers in Eric's direction as the man walks casually into the training room and immediately starts calling everyone together to get the day started.

I'm relieved that we start our training immediately.

The first portion of the group training will be split between running and weapons. The run will be outside of the compound. I'm loving the fresh air and change of scenery. It put me in such a good mood that even Peter's taunts and glares he kept sending my way couldn't ruin it.

There was a moment during the run when Tris asked me what happened, that I lost that good feeling and worried but I told her the same thing I told Shauna. In the same manner even. I don't know whether Tris really believed me or not.

She hadn't seen me work with knives like Lynn, Mar and Uri have, so she wouldn't be aware of how I am with them. She's not aware of the fact that I don't like to be careless with them after the incident with the factionless. She doesn't know that for a while, I had a fear of them and it was something I made myself get over until now working with them seems as natural as breathing.

If she suspected I was lying she kept it to herself. The thing she seemed to be most concerned with, is if and how I'm going to be able to fight, and how much pain I'm in. The last one was actually what she looked worried about the most. She was just as amazed and grateful as I had been when I told her about the serum they gave me. She also agreed that there hadn't been any other choice after I confessed I felt guilty about not getting the stitches instead.

I told her what Shauna told me. That I'm still going to have the soreness and pain for at least a few days.

But what I couldn't tell her and left out is that I can already tell that this pain is nothing compared to the pain I suffered before. It's nothing to the beatings I've gotten over the years that no one knows about.

It's nothing compared to the pain of crushing guilt that seems to be my constant companion since that day the factionless attacked me and my sister.

So while I know I'm going to hurt, I also know I'm going to live.

"Today, you'll be working with handguns. Most Dauntless are issued two weapons when out on patrols and you will need to be familiar with both of them. While the rifle you've worked with in the past seems like it would be the harder of the two, accuracy with the handgun can be very tricky. So pay attention to what I'm about to show you. I'll only show you once." Four calls out as he walks up and down the line behind us.

We are all at firing stations spaced out along one wall of a smaller room but still located in the transfers training section. There are targets that are on a motorized line that will be moved further back as our accuracy improves. Just like with the rifles, I learned, later on, we all start at a certain distance away but by the end of training we are all expected to reach a certain percentage of accuracy for all the distances combined.

It will be part of a final test so weapons will be something we continue to work through during all the stages.

Because of our past performance with the rifles, Eric suggested that me, Edward and Peter all have our targets moved back to the next level. That also means that we are grouped together. Luckily, I got a station with a wall to one side and with Edward on my right while Peter was put on his other side.

I briefly wondered if Eric did this on purpose considering how Peter's been all morning.

I took the gun in my hands and started doing some of the same muscle memory exercises before we were given the order to start firing. Most everyone else is still working on assembling and taking apart the gun. Although I see from the corner of my eye that my sister already moved on from that stage as well, and is watching me like said she would be during the run.

Once Four gave the go ahead, I felt prepared enough to start firing but like Four told us, the smaller guns are no less powerful than the rifles even if they are smaller. It takes a few adjustments, and a bit of trial and error, before I feel like I've got the hang of it. I also have to put all of my concentration into how I'm doing, so I completely block out anything going on around me.

"Not bad," Edward's voice beside me pulls me out of my zone, and I look over to see him smirking at me. "Not the best here, but damn close."

I blush and shrug at the compliment. I'm not bad with the firearms but I'm definitely not the best like he says. That's him, hands down, but I seem to be pretty close behind him.

I heard Chase say to Lauren once at lunch that we might even be on the same level as the Dauntless-born too, which is why Four agreed to the change in target distance for us.

"Maybe. Can you be considered the best if you're in a group of average though?" I reply with a taunting smirk that makes him laugh loudly for a second then shakes his head with a smile and goes to turn back to his target. "By the way, just for that, I'm going to be sure to give you a run for your money."

He laughs in agreement then goes back to firing again.

"To be fair, I've had a bunch more practice before coming here. My father worked in the ammunitions labs and I had free reign to go in and practice." He informs me while we are both reloading our clips of ammunition.

"How nice for you. Now, if you two are done," Eric coldly drawls out directly behind Edward, "How about you cut out the chatter and stick to the activity at hand. We are watching and ranking you on this after all."

Edward tensed up as soon as he realized Eric was behind him. He didn't turn to look at Eric, just gave a curt nod of his head and a mumbled "Yes, Sir," before he followed the order.

I watched Eric smirk slightly as he watched Edward do all of this, then he turns to face me with the smirk still in place.

He doesn't repeat the order for me, he just raises his eyebrow and inclines his head towards the target. As soon as I get a shot off, after quickly turning back to my target, I feel him move away from me.

I try to lose myself in the activity instead of wondering if the jealous tone I heard in Eric's voice was real or not. I'm pretty sure I'm reading into things again, and that just makes me angry at myself; because sooner or later it's going to make me mess things up.

I can't even begin to think that there is anything on Eric's side other than what he himself said he wants, us to be friends.

I don't realize that I let out a sigh even as I fire. It had to come off as me being bored to the observer I didn't realize I had as well.

"I'm sorry, is the training we have you doing boring you, Kat? Not up to your standards?" Four says from behind me.

It might have been Four speaking but the tone and way he worded them were exactly what I would expect from Eric. I looked over my shoulder to confirm that it is him there and see him wearing a slight sneer on his face.

I shake my head and turn my face away from him quickly, hoping he didn't see the scowl. "No, Sir," I answer, battling to keep the sarcasm out of my tone.

"Careful, Initiate," Four hissed out before I heard him let out a low breath.

Clearly, I failed.

"You're drawing the wrong kind of attention here and have a disciplinary action with the absolute worst person it is possible to have one with. I can't even fight it, Kat. I can't protect you at all if you keep doing things like that."

His words hit a nerve that always seems to be raw when it comes to the two of us, making me snap. I click the safety on the gun before putting it on the table and then spinning to face him. I feel like there should be steam coming from my ears, I feel so angry at him, and I don't bother to keep that from my eyes as they lock on him.

Him putting Eric down is the straw that snapped the restraint I've had so far, and I can't help needing to unload on him.

"I don't want you to fight it. I deserved what I got and I will serve the punishments given. I don't run away from things, but especially when it's something I've brought on myself by my actions. I don't need your brand of protection, Four."

Four paled a little while flinching at my words before he quickly recovered. We both caught movement from the side of us and I turn my head a little at the same time he does to see Eric walking towards us.

Four's expression darkens when he sees that Eric is fully intending on interfering, from his point of view that is, with another of our arguments. He turns back to me and the hurt look he had before Eric started to approach is gone but I hear it in his tone when he speaks again.

"After dinner, you will be in the training room where we will talk more about your...insubordination...initiate." He grinds out loudly enough for the others to hear and then moves away quickly.

Eric is a few feet away by this time and watching Four walks away with his jaw clenched tightly before his head snaps around to eye me. I don't wait to see if he is going to continue coming towards me or not but I shake my head slightly anyway before turning back to face my target quickly.

Guilt and shame mingle together for the low blow I just delivered my old friend, combining with the unresolved anger and hurt I carry around regarding him too.

I don't know why I convinced myself that I could come here and not end up in some kind of showdown with Four sooner or later, but I did and that is now coming back to haunt me. I know it will happen, but I'm in no way prepared for it.

Our former relationship is tied into a past that I'm not ready to face. So confronting Four will lead to something that I can't do right now. It'll have to wait so I can just survive initiation.

I get back to the task at hand but my head is not in the game at all. My focus is completely off track, making my hand a bit shakier than it should be. All of this reflects on my accuracy and it only gets worse the more frustrated with myself I get.

By the time we head to lunch, I am utterly miserable and disgusted with myself. It doesn't help one bit that I see the same disappointment in Eric's expression before he quickly and carefully made it look like a sneer, that I'm feeling about my performance.

I walk beside my sister and Christina, grateful for once for my sister's friends chatter as she complains about the activity and how difficult it was to hold the gun in position for so long and how sore she is. I even truthfully mutter my own agreement that my arm is sore too while mentally thinking it might be my pride that's worse off.

I hear my sister saying that we can only work through it and hope to get over our issues quickly. I completely agree with her, but my issue is entirely different.

It's clear that I let something distract me enough that it made me lose focus and hindered my ability. I can't let that happen again, so that will be the thing I will need to work through and quickly. I can't afford that to happen again during my fights.

Speaking of fights…

I realize as I walk into the dining hall beside my sister, that the board showing the matches for our fights after lunch was still blank when we passed it on the way out of the training room. Something I do not feel comfortable with at all.

Actually, uncomfortable isn't an accurate description of what I'm feeling right now. Dread is more fitting.

Something is going to happen. I just feel it. It's in the air, just like it was the morning before the factionless men came at me and my sister. I ignored it then but I learned the hard way not to ignore it again.

"Kat!" Uri shouts out, waving his arms from where he and the others are already sitting at what has become our normal table for meals. "Tris!" He continues to motion us forward and I look back over my shoulder at my sister as I start to walk in that direction.

She normally doesn't sit with us, even though I've said she is welcome to in the past. Whatever was holding her back from joining me and my friends makes her hesitate for the barest of seconds before she follows me too.

I can hear Lynn ordering some of the Dauntless-born to move out of the seats near them to make room for us. I grin at Tris as I set my tray down on the table and then plop into one of the now vacant spaces, seeing her blushing a little but smiling back.

"Told ya," Uri says in a sing-song voice from beside me.

"Well, shit!" Lynn exclaims as she slams her cup to the table and glares in Tris' direction. "You just cost me my cake, Trissy."

We were both just getting settled into our seats and this made my sister freeze. I frown and look at Lynn, only to see that her glare isn't really at my sister but was first on Uri and then moved to follow the retreating back of Christina who is now heading to the regular transfer table.

"How could I possibly have done that?" Tris asks with her chin jutted out defensively until she sees Lynn's eyes moving back to her.

I can tell Lynn is about to tell her exactly what kind of bet she obviously made with Uri, and though it is good-natured, my sister isn't going to find it as amusing as they do when it's regarding her friend.

"Must be because you went with a cow instead of a foul." I reply with a smirk and kick Uri in the shin under the table to stop him from correcting me.

I know Lynn already got what my warning glance was about and she looks at my sister's plate her eyes going wide and the scowl is back as her eyes get wide. "Fuck! You really are screwing me over today. Now, I've lost my cake for tomorrow too."

I can't help it. I bust out laughing and shake my head. "You three didn't learn your lessons from making those ridiculous bets about me? You had to know it was going to work out for you about as well as it did then."

I can tell my sister is confused by this, so I enlighten her as we start lunch as the others that normally sit at the table have their own trays with today's lunch special.

I tell her how my friends have a habit of betting on anything and everything. The more ridiculous the bet, the better. The currency of these bets varies but when I came along they started making it things I could do if I lost the bet. Honestly, the favored currency between the three has always been their cake.

Today's bet, the one that Mar figured it was okay to tell my sister about, was whether or not she would pick something with beef in it for either lunch or dinner tonight.

Lynn said she wouldn't pick anything with beef at all since Tris has stuck to chicken since she got here. Mar said she would probably go with something with beef by dinner and Uri said lunch.

This was all after Lynn had pointedly ragged on my sister about her aversion to beef last night while we were training. Protein intake has always been one of the things my friend nagged me about and that was what she was doing last night to my sister.

Tris responded about how I would have. Her chin raised defensively and her eyes took on a stubborn look I know so well. Lynn didn't even know that Tris was taking that as a personal challenge. My sister and I are different in a lot of ways but in this, we are the same.

We both have a streak of pride a mile wide. It's going to get us in serious trouble one day.

Today, it backfired on my friend and cost her the precious cake they are all addicted to. I don't have the heart to tell them that I don't love it as much as they seem too.

"So yeah, thanks for the cake today, Trissy." He smirks and shovels a mouthful of food in, chews and frowns. "I doubt I'll be able to win like that again."

"You think?" Lynn grumbles moodily.

"Umm...you're welcome Uri." She replies with a laugh and then turns to Lynn and smirks a little. "And...sorry, Lynn?"

She doesn't sound sorry at all and it causes me to snort out a laugh as the other two join me while Lynn grins into her food, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, yeah." She grumbles playfully. "So how was training this morning? Find out who you are two are going against?"

Zach and Chase slide into seats near us and are quickly followed by Eric, much to the shock and displeasure of Tris. I feel her body go tense beside me and her emotions clear on her face for a second before she masks them.

I try not to frown at this as I give my greetings to Chase and Zach while Eric just juts his chin out in a nod when I make his a more respectful one.

Tris smiles tightly but doesn't look in their direction.

Lynn clears her throat a little bringing me back to her questions.

"The board didn't have the matches up before we came to lunch," I grumble out frustrated, completely skipping over the other question she had because there is no way I can lie and say it went well this morning.

Lynn lets it slide as Mar smiles at us warmly. "It'll be fine. Tris did really good against Lynn last night."

The others nod while Tris is very non-committal and I bump my elbow into hers. She turns her head to me and I see the worry and nerves she's trying to hold in.

"She'll be fine, you both will." Chase verbally adds in his own agreement and I turn my head to look down at him. He nods and gives me a small wink. "Just remember you can't hesitate to go for the opening when you see it. No questioning your instincts. Just go for it."

Tris nods thoughtfully and pushes her food around on her plate while I do something similar as I start running through everything I know about fights during initiation.

My three friends all gave me information about what they know about the general outline initiation follows for both the Dauntless-born and transfers. Both groups will go through the same three stages. The first stage they have almost always kept transfers separate from the Dauntless-born. The exception was Zeke and Shauna's year when there were so few transfers that they just combined the groups. Lynn and Uri gave me as much information about the stages of initiation as they were able to get from their older brother and sister.

I know that the stage we are in now starts out with what Lynn called the 'building blocks' of life as a Dauntless. Getting us in shape, teaching us how the basics of the weapons commonly used in Dauntless, and hand to hand combat.

It's supposed to be physical, at least that's what the little speech Four gave us said this stage will be focusing on. but Lynn said that's pretty much bullshit and she thinks they are looking emotional and mental too. They just don't put as much emphasis on those when scoring.

The scoring is what none of them really have specifics on. As far as Lynn can tell from the details she's been able to get from Shauna, in the past, the matches are set on a progression of skill. Early on they match up people close to their skill level in the fighting. Then as training goes on and we get more time and experience under our belts, they start to throw us into matches against people that would be considered a tougher pairing.

My pairing with Myra sort of supports that, but I honestly think that was all Four letting his own feelings get in the way of who he should have paired us with. He could do the same thing or he could realize what he did and try and compensate with harder matches.

I sigh as I use my fork to play with the wilted salad in its bowl. It's tough to predict what he will do, especially now that Eric is back.

Then there is Eric.

Lynn told me he's known for pairing up the weakest person with the strongest early on, and not just with transfers. Dauntless-born aren't spared from that either.

But if they go by the information we've been able to get….

If Tris is put against Myra, Allison, or Sally; I know she'll easily win. Al would have been one of the ones I worried about until I saw his performance yesterday and heard him saying that he was going to refuse to fight against his friends, that he didn't see the point. As much as it disgusts me, in Tris' case, I can feel a little relief that I know she could take him out easily as long as she doesn't have issues going against either of her friends.

That would be the only reason I worry about her being paired off against Christina. She will be harder for my sister, but only because I'm unsure how Tris will handle being put against her friend.

If she can set aside their friendship, then yeah, Tris can easily handle her too.

That leaves Drew, Will, Peter, and Edward.

Out of the four of them, I can honestly see us being put against Drew and Will today over Edward and Peter.

From what I saw in his fight yesterday, Will isn't bad, just lacking confidence and the drive to really do damage. In the sparring I've seen from Drew, he doesn't really have as much skill as any of the other guys, but he is mean and nasty. He completely has the drive to hurt someone that Will lacks.

Peter is quiet during sparring. He's much more serious than I would have thought and much more skilled than I'm comfortable with him being. I haven't seen him go out of his way to try and hurt someone during sparring, in fact, he almost seems to be holding back at times, which is disturbing to me. But I have no doubt that if he is given a chance too he won't hesitate to inflict pain.

Edward is hands down the one with the most skills of our group. I heard Will say he has been reading books about martial arts and physical combat since he was ten and in his words 'for fun'. I can see when we work out and spar or go through our forms that he has skill, power, and control all behind him. I have a feeling that in a lot of respects he's like me; he's read more than he's actually been able to physically do.

Thinking about everyone and who we might be paired against has me so wrapped up I am completely lost in my own world while conversation kept going on around me. I don't know what actually brings me around out of that, but when I do it's to a serious discussion going on between Zeke, Chase, Zach, Lynn and my sister.

Apparently, Tris relayed Al's complaint about having us all beat the shit out of each other when we are supposed to in the same faction and becoming each other's new family. Her displeasure and distress about this is obvious.

"You can't look at it like that, Tris," Zeke says sternly to her, for once the smile is nowhere to be seen. "It isn't that we want you to unnecessarily beat the shit out of each other. Fights are about several things. The obvious thing is that it's firstly about teaching you those skills. Guns can fail and you might not always have a weapon available when something goes down. When that happens all you will have to rely on will be those skills. So, this is to prepare you for that."

"But it's also to test us, right? I get that." She snaps back with that question. "I just don't see why that test has to go until the other person is beaten unconscious. Especially when it's not an enemy, but a friend."

I can see Eric and Lynn being clearly frustrated with the way the conversation is going but I also see what her issue is. It is exactly what I worried about with her, how she is going to handle facing off against friends. I feel, deep down, the same way. But the difference is I remember something all to well that helped me to look at at this another way.

"Tris, do you remember what happened with Alastair?" I break into the conversation and focus only on my sister at this point.

I hate bringing this up. It's part of a painful past I would rather forget, but at this moment it brings home something I didn't understand when it was happening.

She blanches and turns her head towards me. I'm sure she's surprised I'm bringing it up at all, especially in front of others. She nods with her lips thinned and looks around a little before looking back at me with a questioning look.

I know I'm breaking an unspoken rule here, talking about 'the fallen', but we aren't in Abnegation anymore, and this is a reality that needs to be faced.

"I would have said he was a friend at one time. He came to our house with his family for dinners with ours. We stood beside him for countless hours volunteering. He was supposed to be someone we looked at as family too before he left the faction."

I am speaking in low tones, meaning this to be just for her really, but it just makes it sound mournful as I keep going. She reaches out a hand and puts it over mine, squeezing a little. Maybe telling me to stop, but I can't. Despite the pain remembering this makes me feel, I need to say it out loud to her. We need to acknowledge that this did happen and might again.

"Even though we knew him leaving meant he was one of the factionless, I couldn't have imagined we would have ever had to protect ourselves from him. But that's what happened, Tris. How often did we or someone we knew in our faction come across someone they knew among the factionless?"

Tris sighs and looks down as she nods. "Yeah,"

"Being Dauntless now, sis," I stop and sigh raggedly. "You can almost guarantee we are going to come face to face with someone we once knew. Maybe even someone we're in initiation with right now, if you just want to be brutally honest about it. It isn't a pretty thought, but it is a reality. One that can only hurt or endanger us and those around us if we don't admit to right now. We both know what can happen when you think a past friendship or familiar face will keep the other person from hurting you if they can. It wasn't just me that got hurt that day and it was because I refused to admit the truth."

Disappointment and guilt flood me and this time I can tell Tris is asking me to stop. To stop speaking and to stop feeling guilty for something neither of us really could have predicted. It wasn't that I feel guilty for not predicting it, but for my hesitation and letting my emotions get in the way.

"So, yeah it's a test. They need to know we'll be prepared to act when we need to. We found out the hard way what hesitating can do and that isn't something that can be understood until the other's experience it too."

"Sometimes the only way to learn a lesson is the hard way," Eric says, his voice almost booming in the silence our end of the table descended into as they all strained to hear what I was saying, and making me look his way. He has no expression on his face but his eyes are blue daggers as the lock onto mine. I don't know exactly what he's thinking other than he doesn't seem pleased with what he just heard. "There is no weakness in that." For a second, a split second, his eyes soften a little but then it's gone and he speaks again. "The only weakness is if you don't learn the lesson the first time and never...let it happen again."

I may not know what he's thinking but I'm pretty sure that those last words were for me specifically. His eyes have an intensity that seems to be speaking to me all on their own. Communicating his absolute demand for me to never let it happen again.

"Yes, Sir." I agree softly with a small nod and watch as he gives a grunt and looks away from me to Chase who is sitting beside him, leaning in close and speaking to him in a hushed whisper.

Lunch resumes, with Uri cracking a joke while I watch Chase and Zach glance at me with a mixture of worry and anger in their eyes. Eric is replying to something Chase says and shakes his head in the slightest before looking at me for a second. That second is enough for me to know without a doubt that I'll be telling them more about that story at some point.

"So, I was thinking we could maybe take you two to check out the movie theatre after dinner," Uri says with a smile as he looks between me and Tris.

He and Mar have moved on to making plans for the night. They are on the positivity train and wanting to celebrate our winning our fights today. It was Lynn pointing out we probably weren't going to be in a partying mood that has Uri suggesting something tamer.

I'm about to agree when I remember what I have to face after dinner.

"You guys are going to have to count me out," I admit, blushing and wanting to avoid saying why, but knowing I can't. "I have to report to the training room."

"What the hell!" Lynn explodes and is eyeing me. "You aren't supposed to be serving punishments in the evenings, Kat." She tilts her head and glares at me. "Yes, Shauna told me all about this morning, so I know about the stunt you pulled. So what else have you gotten up to since then that would cause you to have to report to the training room?"

I see her eyeing Eric and her frown growing while I turn even more red from embarrassment.

"That would be because she decided it's okay to smart off at the mouth to me during weapons training." Four huffs out while sliding the empty space beside Zeke at the end of the table and casting an annoyed glare my way.

It doesn't take much for the anger I felt earlier to surge back up. I know he might want me to apologize for what I said but I also know I won't. I don't like that my words hurt him but it doesn't make them any less true.

I should just let it go and not say anything else, but I can't do that either. What I can do, as I clench my fists and try to calm my anger, is try to communicate my point better. So I make an attempt to say this once more and hope against fucking hope that I don't sound like I'm smarting off...again.

"Like I said...Sir...I don't run from or try to get out of paying for my actions or mistakes. I admit my responsibility and hopefully learn from it. Maybe even come out better for having done so. I admit that my tone was less than respectful." " I say and try to imitate Eric's emotionless tone.

But I'm not freaking apologizing!

The tension that was thick in the air between Eric and Four, even sitting nowhere near each other, lessens slightly but only because Four breaks the glare he was locked in with Eric and turns to look at me again.

My sister bristled beside me during my little speech letting me know I was definitely not successful in my effort to be less disrespectful this time around.

Four's lips are thinned as he gives me a small nod. "Good. Then I can expect you in the training room right after dinner, and you can expect to be doing a whole lot of running since you seem too fond of the word."

He grabs his tray tightly and lurches up then stalks out of the dining hall after tossing the full tray into the return area.

Tris watched him go while I alternated between watching them both. When she turns back to look at me, she's scowling with a look in her eyes I know all to well. A look that said she is about to lecture me or plans to later when we are alone.

I refrain from rolling my eyes or saying something that might hurt her as I turn to my tray. "Eat Tris," I order her without looking in her direction and pick up my fork. "We're going to need the energy for whatever the hell is coming our way next."

I grumble this out bitterly and shovel a bite of pasta in my mouth without paying attention to what it tastes like. I watch out the corner of my eye as Eric is hissing something to Chase and Zach, Lynn is watching me with narrowed eyes, and Tris is sulking but at least eating.

The second half of the day is not looking any better than my first and all I can do is hope that this hasn't all just been the prelude to the main event of an even bigger shit show.