Chapter 16 - Hard Lessons

Eric

This day...this fucked up, roller coaster of a day...just needs to end already.

I feel exhausted and stressed out, and we haven't even gotten into fights. The initiates are still warming up for fuck's sake!

Is this what life is going to be like with Kat? How messed up is it that I'm hoping so?

It's nothing like I would have wanted a few weeks ago or how I would have reacted. I would have been raising hell for someone messing up my routine and life like she has been, but I wasn't really living back then either.

So far every encounter I've had with her has had some surprise in store for me.

I can admit that not all of them are all that good. But the good ways...the great ways...fuck do they make me feel things.

One of my admissions to Zach during my time in Amity was that I felt like I was coming alive again but for every positive thing to come from that, there's also a negative. One of the big negatives' that I'm feeling right now is the uncertainty of how I'm going to keep her safe.

I've never worried about keeping anyone safe as I do with Kat. Before my brothers, with my parents, it hadn't entered my mind that there would ever be anything they were in danger from. Which had been a mistake and one I vowed to never make again. The best way to do that was to not have anyone in my life to worry about. I mean, with Chase and Zach it's not so much that I worry about keeping them safe. It's more that there are things I want to keep them from having to take on themselves.

At lunch, I got a big dose of what that feels like when I listened to Kat talking to her sister and trying to impress on her the importance of what we're doing here with the fights. Her story about whoever the fuck Alistair is, definitely had my hackles raised. It certainly had Zach and Chase's interest raised too. I already knew I was going to be getting more details from her about that but it just multiplied a concern I already have about Kat.

One more of those not so great surprises. The fact that Kat tends to let her emotional state affects her performance.

I saw is during weapons training when she and Four got into it. Another thing I would be getting the story on. Because whatever it was had her going from being one of the top performers, besides Edward, to barely landing her shots. Then hearing that story and how she admitted herself that something happened that caused her, and possibly her sister, to get hurt during an encounter with the factionless.

It wasn't lost on any of us the encounter she was mentioning was not the one she told us about over breakfast that first morning. Zach was the one to point out that he knew that morning she had evaded completely answering my demand for her to tell me about all of her encounters. If the one she did tell us about was one that left her bleeding out from being shot, what were the ones like that she isn't telling me?

I knew leaving lunch that at some point between now and tomorrow morning I would be getting every detail I could from her. I determined that I'm going to find a way to work with her to make sure that the issue she has about losing focus gets corrected.

Now I'm watching as Four drags Peter Hayes away from Kat and their little showdown, and know I'm going to need to step up my plan to neutralize the former Candor.

Watching her handle him leaves me torn between being turned on as hell and just as worried.

I've known how Peter operates from the moment he got here. He and I play the same game. One I was trained to play to fulfill my duties but it's one he seems to get off on.

He likes to get in peoples heads and plant doubts using little bits of truth. Enough that the person isn't likely to dismiss them out of hand because they're things that they are most likely already thinking. It's just enough for him to get under their skin and manipulate them to whatever his goal is. Whether that's to turn them against someone else or lose confidence in themselves, possibly even both.

Kat saw this and turned it back around on him and then some.

I watch Kat flinch and stumble when Four pulls them apart and it's like watching her come out of some kind of trance. I want to give her a smile of approval for how she handled him, but how can I when I saw the look of revulsion that came over her when she realized what just happened?

So I give her a small nod and turn away feeling like I just suffered my own blow. I know that look of revulsion was for herself, not me, but I can't help feeling like it might as well be. Not when I realize those words she used to describe Peter might as well have been said about me.

Knowing how those words are making me feel I can also imagine that they've made Peter feel even worse. When I catch the hateful glares he shoots at Kat, I know I need to move fast.

Time seems to blur by as the initiates all finish their stretches and warm-up before fights begin. I toy with the idea of cutting them off early and getting them started, then disregard that. I let Four guide them through the warm-up without bothering to give him shit about it. Instead, I step over to the side close the board and lean against the wall, keeping up the illusion that I'm watching them all like a hawk when really I'm too wrapped up in this feeling that's been growing in me since lunch.

I can't help to think that it's not really what I'm feeling so much as what Kat is. She's been off since that crap with at the range with Four and it's just been making her act even more cagey.

I wanted to get answers from her about what was said and what he wanted from her that he put up a front of a punishment tonight, but seeing how she is right now I know that's not the best idea. I might not be able to find out what happened this morning but I could make damn sure I knew what was going on tonight. He was stupid to pick the training room for their meeting. Cameras are all over the place.

Lucky for me my own time with her in those rooms would never be available to anyone but who I authorize. Being a leader, as well as having a best friend that's in charge of that department, has its advantages. Namely that I could call in for it to be put in blackout mode or erase the footage and no one would say shit about that or anything else they see in the room.

That solved that issue for me though it would be better if I could override the damn punishment altogether. But given her anger when she snapped at Four at lunch, I'm thinking she might just get pissed at me for stepping in.

I'm worried about upsetting her and that's not a feeling I'm used to at all anymore.

Just like earlier, I didn't want her to think I pulled a stupid move like putting her sister against Peter right out of the gate, but I didn't want her to think I would never put either of them against someone like that. Because I will, even if I don't like how it makes me feel so goddamn off center and worried.

I slide one of my knives from a vest pocket and fiddle with it while sighing at myself as I eye Kat when she moves over to one side of the training room to watch the first set of fighters.

It's Edward and Will up first. Another choice of Four's. I have no problem with the pairing but I wouldn't have picked them to be first up. I would have put them after a few of the more boring and predictable fights to break things up a bit.

I split my time walking slowly back and forth as I watch the two go at it watching them and watching Kat watching them. Seeing what others might not be seeing as they move. Just like with Kat, I notice that Edward seems to be very practiced and smooth but he also seems to be holding back from doing any big moves.

I wonder if she sees this too while she observes so closely, being very focused on the two. Her sister beside her is cringing while watching her friend as it looks he's taking a pretty bad beating from Edward. Kat has concern as well but I can tell for now its pushed back by her absorbing everything. When it's over she's right there with her sister, trying to help Will up and handing him over to Four so he can escort him to the clinic.

The next few fights barely keep my attention. I glance at the board and see the next one is Molly and Christina, call them forward to get started, then I start musing over the next round of fights and who I'm thinking of pairing together and in what order.

Seeing as Four is doing a piss poor job, I figure it's time for me to step in.

I have to admit that I feel a bit nervous about Kat's match with Drew but at least it's not Edward. I don't mind putting her against the Erudite but I would prefer to have a few more training sessions with her before that happens.

I still can't believe he put Tris with Peter after having her sit out the first fight! I can't wrap my mind around that, because it's so unlike Four. Usually, I'm the one that has to push him to match up the girls with the stronger male initiates.

"Stop!"

The word is wailed from the ring and has me jerking my attention back to the two fighters where I see Christina on the ground. She's holding out a hand to ward off the kick Molly looked like she was about to deliver her.

"Stop!" She coughs as blood drips down her face from her nose. "I'm done."

Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me here. I know I was crystal fucking clear that there was to be no conceding in fights.

My mental screaming does nothing to relieve the burst of anger I have right now but I need to remain calm and have a clear head to deal with the situation. I'm feeling a bit generous so I decide I'll give her a chance to correct herself and get back to the fight.

I walk slowly towards the ring and step up then on it with my arms crossed casually over my chest but it's really to hide the clenching of my fists.

"I'm sorry, what did you say? You're done?"

A smart person would recognize the tone as anything but friendly. They would see the way my eyes are trying to sear the correct answer into their own, and they would act accordingly. It should make her think and reconsider, but she does none of that. She pushes herself to her knees then pinches her nose to stop the bleeding.

She doesn't even bother actually answering me and it doesn't look she plans on continuing the fight either.

All my generosity dries up and I seethe with rage.

"Get up," I don't bother to get her enough time to follow through with my quiet command as I reach down and grip her arm and hoist her to her feet.

I spare one glance at Kat, along with the others, then make my decision as I start to pull the girl along with me towards the door. "All of you, follow me."

Better be sure about this Coulter, you're about to show your ugly side to Kat. There's no taking it back once it's done. Is giving this girl another chance worth that?

Probably not, but I can't let how Kat's going to react to my actions stop me from teaching a lesson that needs to be learned. It's not just about the girl struggling to keep up with me at my side, it's about all of them. If one of them didn't think my words were enough of a warning then let this action be the last one they'll get from me.

Besides, what's that saying? If you can't handle me at my worst…

I lead everyone to the Chasm until we're all standing on the bridge. I shove Christina towards the railing once we've reached the middle.

"Climb over it."

"What?" She gasps out incredulously, her eyes wide and her complexion paling.

"Climb. Over. The. Railing. If you can hang over the Chasm for five minutes, I'll forget your cowardice. If you can't, you're done. You're out."

She stays silent, looking at me with disbelieving eyes while I look on her with my cold and hard ones. I don't feel an ounce of compassion for what she brought on herself. I could have just thrown her out. By the rules, I have every right too. By giving up and conceding she removed herself from a fight, an activity that she is required to participate in. She essentially removed herself from initiation.

I should throw her out. She's annoying as shit.

"Fine," She spits out and I can tell she's trying not to let her voice shake to betray how scared she is.

As she grips the railing and looks over the side for a few seconds, I almost hope she won't do it. That she will back down and then I can just escort her to the gate. I think that's part of why I brought her here because part of me doesn't think she will do it if she was willing to give up so easily back there.

Christina does end up climbing over, albeit it seems like it takes her way too long to do it. Once she's finally over the railing she just as slowly lowers herself. I glance at my watch to mark the time from when she finally started to hang from the side.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her friend, the farm boy as Kat calls him, set his own watch. He and Kat's sister are standing shoulder to shoulder, watching closely and with looks of worry directed Christina while a few looks of disgust are thrown my way.

I try to resist it, but I do end up searching out Kat among the group and see she's standing close to Edward. Her forehead is wrinkled and her hands are clasped tightly in front of her as she watches her fellow transfer hanging on for dear life. She must feel my eyes on her because she looks up to meet mine.

I didn't know how worried I was about what I would find there until I see the understanding she communicates to me with a simple nod before she looks away quickly and back at Christina.

In that brief look, I know that she doesn't care for what's being done, but it seems she understands. I expected that she wouldn't even if it seems like she really does not get along with her sisters' friend. Hell, I saw her feeling guilty for the pain she might have caused Peter with her words. Kat seems to have this perplexing mix of deep compassion along with the hardened will resolve of a seasoned Dauntless.

So, she doesn't like what I'm doing but at least she understands and that's enough for me.

A strangled sob coming from Christina has my attention going back to her to see that's she slipped so that she's barely holding on by her fingertips. I brace myself and get ready to grab her if she loses her grip entirely. I won't let her fall but if she can't hang on and it requires me to step in, I won't let her stay either.

"Come on, Christina," Al bellows out encouragement to her. I see her look at him as he gives a few loud claps and nods at her while talking to her again. "Come on, grab it. You can do it. Grab it."

She flails around for a few seconds, at first looking like she isn't going to be able to get a grip again until she finally does. There are a few more of those cheering sessions as the time ticks by, but this time Tris joins in on them.

"It's time," Al spits out as his watch alarm goes off. I'm surprised by how firm he is and how brave he's being by looking at me with the glare he has going on considering he's such a pussy in training.

I make a show of checking the time on my own watch just for his attitude.

"Fine," I reply calmly after a few long seconds. "You can come up, Christina."

Al takes a step forward as if he's going to help her and I put a hand out to stop him, shaking my head.

"No. She has to do it on her own."

"No, she doesn't." He actually growls out at me. "She did what you said. She's not a coward. She did what you said."

Where the hell is all this attitude during training? I narrow my eyes at him but don't respond. He takes this as agreement and hauls her up and over the railing. She drops to the ground where Tris kneels down to help her.

I look around and make sure I have everyone's attention as they look on the bleeding and trembling form of the girl.

"Dauntless don't give up. This will be the only other warning you get." My voice echoes off the stone walls and carries over the roar of the water. "Get her to the clinic." I nod my head towards Tris as I give her the order. "Everyone else, back to the training room now. We have fights to continue."

They all scramble to do what I say. Al joins Tris in taking Christina to the clinic and I don't bother to deny him. I'm focused on the one person that didn't all but run from the bridge to get away from me.

I hoped she wouldn't rush off, that she would stay behind, but honestly didn't expect it. She lags behind enough to be very last and it allows me to catch up with her.

"You understood, right?" This is the first thing I ask her once I'm close enough to her that no one else can hear us?

Fuck this insecurity I'm constantly feeling with her. I don't like it one bit but it also seems like it's one of the things that comes along with all the new feelings I have.

I don't like second guessing myself or how I'm doing my job. Yet again that seems to be another thing I can't help but doing now that it seems like I'm thinking clearly, and thinking for myself, for the first time in years.

Which is why I didn't just have a few guards come to take Christina away at the moment she refused to keep fighting, like I would have a few weeks ago.

Kat's arms are behind her back with her hands clasped lightly together. I shouldn't but I reach forward and let my hand brush against one of hers. Her fingers curl a little around mine. The contact and her acceptance of my touch has my body relaxing.

"I did. You made it clear before fights, Eric. You shouldn't have had to do that in the first place." She looks over her shoulder at me for a moment as we walk slowly towards the training room again. "Like you said earlier, sometimes it takes learning the hard way, right?"

I squeeze her fingers with my own and let go. "Speaking of, we will be talking about that, Kat."

Her head is faced forward so I can't see her expression but I hear her resigned sigh before she responds. "I know. I honestly already figured as much."

"After you get done with…" My jaw grinds together as I get the words out and try not to take my irritation with Four out on her, "Your time with Four, I want you to find me, Chase or Zach if it isn't too late. I would really prefer to talk about all of this before the morning."

So I can plan how to make sure you don't lose focus like you did earlier and also what I'm going to need to do to put Four in his place.

"You know he's going to make me run laps or something like that until at least just before curfew, right?" She says with a shrug.

She sounds sure that's what's going to happen, but I'm not so certain that he's really going to have her do anything training wise. He has something up his sleeve I just don't know what.

"I doubt it. But if that's the case then I'll know and we can save our talk for the morning."

I hate the thought of not being able to sneak in time with her after dinner. I'm finding that I want...no need...to see her beyond just in training. As much time as I can get with her, I want it, all of it.

Our conversation is cut off there as we enter the training room. I immediately move away from her and over to the board, already calling out the next names to get started.

Four enters shortly after we all get back, with Tris and Al trailing him. I can tell by the nasty look and his thinned lips that he's heard about what happened. I watched as Four and Tris paused at the door for just a moment where it looked they were talking. I knew it was about me because of his pointed head nod in my direction.

I don't need to be there to know that he's warning her about me. That he's saying something to make her distrustful and wary of me, maybe even dislike me. Normally, I wouldn't care. I would find it either amusing or not even worth another thought. But this is Kat's sister and I sense this is going to be trouble for me if things work out as I'm planning.

I take another look at Kat who is watching the two of them as well before she rolls her eyes and looks away.

I smirk a little and think that maybe it won't be as much trouble as I thought. The only opinion that matters to me is Kat's and so far she hasn't shied away yet. I'm just hoping it can stay that way.